certifigate: latest update

here in the uk, we were perilously close to getting barack obama handed-down as our next prime minister (thanks to barack obama's claim to british citizenship through his father), but fortunately he has now been confirmed as an all-american toffee-apple (which never fell far from the tree) and they're stuck with him:

obama's father is communist frank marshall davis

obama's birth-certificate: the shit from the shat

spark up! can today reveal exlusively that rumours surrounding the authenticity of barack obama's birth-certificate (and confusion over the exact details of his nativity) are simply part of a complex disinformation campaign conceived by the cia and fbi. government operatives are working day-and-night to undermine a dastardly plot by the kkk to tell the president to "go back where he came from". special field-agent, mr i fakem, said, "we are doing our nuts trying to defend the big guy from these nasty jibes, and whilst there are people out there continuing to talk at liberty, there is always the serious risk that, one-day, one discordant little word will get through the ring of spiel and upset him irreconcilably - we, at the bureau, are confident, however, that our tactics of concealing the true facts about the president's country of origin should ensure that no-one directs him to piss off back there anytime soon".

between a rock and a hard-faced act

chris rock, former american comedian, has announced his retirement from ripping the living piss out of incumbent presidents of the united states - on the grounds that mr obama is the "comedian's worst nightmare" and 'too inspiring to make fun of' considering the fistful of dollars which he, chris, has personally delivered up-front into brother barack's campaign-fund, not-to-mention the embarrassment of faustian-factor-10 photo ops going begging on the white house lawn. of course, president obama is not only the comedian's "worst nightmare", but also the "worst nightmare" of every little boy and little girl living, or dying, in helmund province, afghanistan - and forgive my cynicism, but one is hard-pushed to believe that the ultra-quick-witted chris rock was ignorant of the contribution which he was implicitly making to the coffins of obama's real-death fighting-fund...

yes, in barack obama we have truly found an icon, a human-being who commands the innate spirituality to inspire men of all creeds and colours to sacrifice their meaningless lives for the everlasting glory of his unimpeachable name...ironically, by voting-in one of the most entrenched racists in recent history, the liberal citizens of the united states of america may have inadvertently taught the world a very very important lesson: racism does not a derive from the colour of a man's skin, but from the colour of his soul.

jocelyn jee esien bombs for obama

when recently reading stanislav on obama's humourless delivery of ordnance and worldly war-mongering words, i was rudely reminded of one of his british born girl-guards, jocelyn esien, who is, by-and-large, equally witless wotless and dependent on other people's material - which she slyly sub-sources and shamelessly passes off as her own original work. but leaving aside the murky state of miss esien's professional ethicity (rumours about which have surely led to her credentials as a writer coming under question and her little miss jocelyn series sliding soundlessly from bbc schedules), i would prefer to concentrate my ire on more serious affairs - jocelyn esien's emotional support for the casual killer of humanity, families and children, president barack obama, the american warhead in afghanistan, and first black man to make a complete cunt of himself in the white house. jocelyn esien ('jos jee' to her friends) is a remarkable actress with a veritable multiplication of personalities stashed in her walkabout wardrobe, yet she totally miscalculated when attempting to combine the role of celebrity political activist with conscious community support comedienne - this was just one face too many, i'm afraid. you see miss esien wants to preen like a queen in her celebrity sheen whilst licking the sweet splash of obalma glamour off her brazen body before it has even shied from trickling down the crack in her pertinently bare ass - she wants to pose uncriticized against the christylized gun-crime poster whilst bigging-up the macho gangster-man-murderer mr barack hussein obama. the seeping gang-blood of youth is really only a race-paint-prop for her carefully-staged career and her bank-rôle, playing a delinquently dark-hearted duo with the black-comedian-in-residence in the oval office, is no damn good example to impress on any succeeding ghetto generation - these two guys are actors, not models...and as the president continues to mercifully blast the unbleached brains out of young muslim girls who would otherwise have had to suffer a cruel lease of life without the benefit of a dog-standard democratic education, the hypocritical highlights of stars such as jocelyn jee esien will fade-to-dusk and be set to rest, fittingly, in the west wings of their horrific theatre of self-service. her epitaph: a latter-day leni riefenstahl, but not quite so funny. don't get me wrong, when time is inevitably called, i don't wish to see this bitter-barking talent put up against the wall and mown-down along with her 'muse', president obama, and accompliced terrorists mr anthony blair, prime minister gordon brown, and mr george w bush (one should make allowances for dozy feminists like miss esien), no, if justice is properly served, she will find herself in a dim dingy cell, her big gob locked-down for 24-hours-a-day between the concert-pitched thighs of a certain ms condoleeza rice, paying customary lip-service - although i fear she might well enjoy the strictures of this sanction just a little bit too much...well...one can but dream...for the meantime, i don't expect jocelyn esien to spew the obamatic bile of any projectile presidential satire our way anytime soon - the best we can hope for is probably some lame-gummed sketch about the white hand not knowing who the black one is feeling up...although this is a great pity as she could get away with (illegitimately harvested) lines of a more assassinatory nature on the fringe-boards. what we definitely can't expect is a true exposition of united states foreign policy - for example, the freewheeling vision of a perma-grin president obama bouncing an afghan baby's head off george bush's chest, dribbling it through hillary clinton's splayed legs, and slam-dunking it into osama bin laden's upturned throat...can we?

update:

it appears that the hackney post are conniving with jocelyn jee esien in an attempt to airbrush her infamous obama quote from history - so here it is for posterity:

"despite this foray into femininity, esien credits her comedy career to a series of male muses: jerry lewis, steve martin, jim carrey, eddie murphy, and one barack obama. “president obama,” she corrects herself quickly. “i feel disrespectful when i say barack. he has really, really, really inspired me. i’m pretending he’s my prime minister but he lives in another country.”"

old holborn maintains complete radio silence on news of the world phone-tap-dancing competition...

...together with all his contributors and commentators. i wonder why...?

and not even a peep about the metroploditan two-piece tea service's reluctance to sniff too deeply into the can. well there's a surprise...

this latter law-shyness presumably because: 1) the buggers are extremely careful not to leave any trace of their illegal invasions of private areas 2) bobbylon are not up to the job and 3) glass cop-shops are liable to splinter.

iain dale predictably plays a strait bat for callscum and cameprune. but skyed it...

guido fawkes revels in relief as yates strikes out...and his comment-gang-members (normally queuing round the bloc to brag about their infinite knowledge of every cunting thing under the sun) signally fail to share with the public their expertise on the digital intricacies and etiquettes of eavesdropping on the orgasms of the fat and famous...but disingenuously reveal how simple it is to crack the code of an unprotected voicemailbox. howzat? leg before wicket...


glossary

phone-tapping: a) a remote procedure practised by the insecure which involves listening to and recording the activities and conversations of others via the microphone of a mobile- or land-line regardless of whether the apparatus is in-use or on stand-by b) tracking an individual via the global positioning system utilized by mobile-handsets and c) monitoring of text-messages.

spying: installing spycams in a variety of venues frequented by a victim - including bedrooms and bathrooms.

intimidation: a seemingly chance acquaintance with someone who is ostensibly unfamiliar with any details of one's previous personal life yet oddly prone to dropping constant hints about intimate aspects of one's behaviour. warning: a regular pattern of intimidation may eventually develop into unveiled threats.

entrapment: where a victim is encouraged by an intimidator (see intimidation above) to perpetrate acts which may land the victim in hot-water.


for the record

no, i do not have any evidence that my phone, computer and premises were bugged whilst i commented on guido fawkes between march 2007 and january 2009 - nor do i have the know-how to carry out such surveillance techniques, i'm not even curious.


to softly go where the gutter-press has gone before

today the british blogosphere lost its voice of innocence as it silently gobbled on its own excrement.

positive discrimination now officially extinct

old holborn reports that positive discrimination in the uk is now extant as a museum exhibit only

...but still manages to get his knickers in a twist

what a warped old willy

the recessionary gene: a potty history for the fresh british immigrant

good sir, although your efforts at integration are most admirable, i do not think you guys fully appreciate the tragic history of trials and tribulations which we britons have had to endure whilst settling these blessed isles. we were originally forced to leave africa due to acute climate change, which resulted in severe deforestation and overcrowding, we then travelled thousands of miles, on foot, spent hundreds of thousands of years finding the fucking miserable dump, and, as if all that weren't enough, had to suffer the shame, indignation and acute psychological trauma of our skin turning white, our noses going pointy, our arses deflating, our eyes turning weird and freaky colours, our hair going all funny and straight then bleaching (or in serious cases even going bright bloody red), dropping a cock-size and getting nobbed by romans - all this whilst watching the rain piss down the whole year round. in fact, although we were not aware of this fact at the time, our terrible experiences triggered-off an extremely deep episode of tribal sociopathic psychosis which subsequently induced in us the overwhelming need to become evil murderous thieving raping profiteering cunts - a condition for which our five-century-long participation in the slave-trade, colonization and various acts of worldwide suppression and exploitation acted as a radical, yet progressive form of occupational therapy, which has, i am sorry to say, since been widely discredited. of course, i trust, in the circumstances, that you will understand our awfully embarrassing predicament to the extent that you might find yourself in a position to excuse our awfully bad manners around the globe of late, and i sincerely hope that i may rely on your utmost discretion in this matter. so...thanks for all your marvellous efforts anyway, but we are now investigating alternative healing avenues of a more holistic and practical nature, which go under the general classification of...'work' - take up for these courses of treatment is presently rather slow, but we are receiving some encouraging initial results and anticipate great demand in the coming months. now my only regret (and on this sensitive subject i must here admit to feelings of intense personal guilt) is that, despite inventing the rack, guns, nuclear missiles, and the inflated pigsbladder, we, as a race, never succeeded in concocting a fast and effective skin lightening cream for those unfortunate souls who have elected to follow in our footsteps - and for that unforgivable oversight...i must truly apologize...still...no-one's perfect, hey?...enjoy your stay!

the bankrupt budget: a guide to settling accounts

in my expert opinion, alastair darling would have done far more for the british economy on budget day had he produced from his briefcase an uzi sub-machine gun, cut down on 646 public expenses accounts, and then, as a grand finale, detonated his own savile row semtex-suit.

now there is in fact a peculiar logic to this radical financial rescue plan...because, having liquidated parliament, it would then be much harder for this country's creditors to recover their cash; you see, 60 million people are a lot more difficult to find than 646 - especially if we all hide. of course, the queen owns everything and signs everything - so we can always refer the bailiffs to her majesty's front door and thus be rid of two millstones around our necks with one good long stretch for criminal bankruptcy.

every dodgy businessman realizes that the insolvency court is the time-honoured way to get off scot free - why doesn't gordon brown? god knows who'd take over the bailed-out wonga warehouses - but fortunately bankrupts are not eligible as directors. imagine the headlines when the bank of england goes bust domino-style? that's going to be a tricky one to explain to the taxpayers.

if only the prime minister had let the banks collapse in the first place, it would have been a great blow for social equality and the government would have saved a bundle - instead we've all suffered a free-market currency devaluation, incurred massive public debts, and given the banks a huge handout, how very conservative.

in retrospect, why didn't brown punish the bad banks by closing them down, whilst compensating the depositors with the choice of investing elsewhere - we would still have been quids in. no, gordon brown wants our shrinking notes in his banks, and he wants our taxes too - he's obviously more into big business than public welfare. gordon's buying the mistress designer lingerie and leaving the wife with holey old baggies - it remains to be seen whom he'll fuck the most.

did messysplice slip staines mcsnide smegmails?

well don't ask me! i haven't a fucking clue! i just reckon it's a valid question, that's all; jag singh and alex hilton are having relations with the labour party...hilton fell out publicly with derek draper...the messageplacemen have vast blogging experience...it's not inconceivable that a concerned labour party member could have copied these emails to one of these splicechiks (for a cautionary glance)...and the irresistible lure of rocketing blogstats, publicity, money, and the chance to spring clean downing street, could well have got the better of him. i do however rate tim ireland's cock-up theory, wherein the emails were accidentally copied to a guido fawkes informer, perhaps jag singh or alex hilton - although the ultimate dream would of course be that the emails were indeed hacked and sent to messagespace, but the crime was craftily camouflaged to appear like a piece of classic draper incompetence...well if this was in fact the case, one can but wonder whether staines, singh or hilton were even aware that they were in receipt of stolen smut - not that i would wish to exonerate felons, mind. mmm...involuntary handling...is there a little imp at large?

newsflush: celebrity publicist stricken by freak double-eclipse

*flush*

rumours have begun to circulate that top publicist max deathorg may have tragically od'd. a hospital spokesman has revealed that events unfolded shortly after the usually irrepressible pr man received the sad news that one of his high-profile campaigns had been cruelly and inensitively upstaged by fate. mr deathorg is said to have been absolutely heart-broken and is reported to have complained of "some posh bird" stealing his main client's deadlines.

*end of flush*

in other unrelated news,

the missed-list:

millions of fans worldwide are mourning the sudden death of talented and beautiful tony-award winning actress natasha richardson who helped raise millions of dollars in the fight against aids. miss richardson, 45, was a trustee of the charity amfar - the foundation for aids research.

whilst in the uk, millions more anxiously await news of terminally-ill jade goody, the brave bouncy big brother celebrity, aged only 27, whose valiant battle against cervical cancer in front of the cameras has raised to an unprecedented level public-awareness of the killer disease - and the vital importance of regular cervical-screening.

the wouldn't-be-missed-list:

pope benedict xvi who, on a visit to cameroon, has proclaimed that condoms are not the solution to the aids crisis and would, in fact, "make matters worse". what an evil lying cunt. what "makes matters worse" is the universal poverty which prompts poor people to share razor-blades and re-use hypodermic needles (whilst faithfully participating in the medically-questionable western vaccination campaigns which almost certainly introduced aids into the african population in the first place); the unsterilized surgical equipment used in woefully under-equipped hospitals and dentists' surgeries is now known to be the main cause of the african aids epidemic - and widespread aids misdiagnosis, due to cheap substandard testing, has historically concealed a huge hepatitis and tuberculosis problem. abstinence mr pope? don't even go there you sad old patronizing wanker.

the three moskejeers (and dardazzathang)

i've developed that autocue disdain for all things messagespace that so many fellow citizens now reserve for muslims. it's very tedious, i know - unless you're the target of course.

article by alex hilton on labourhome:


A threat from a comrade


alexhilton Mon Feb 16, 2009 at 06:12:27 PM GMT Facebook


Today I got a disturbing and threatening phone call from a Labour member upset that I have a relationship with the Tory blogger Guido Fawkes.

Some time ago I set up a cross-party advertising system for political blogs called messagespace - and the ads on Labourhome are delivered through that system. Messagespace delivers ads onto I think about 40 blogs now from the very left to the very right. I no longer have any role in the company and own a small minority of shares in it - just 10%.
The reason for it being cross-party was that advertisers who had to be politically impartial could not advertise on a system that was wholly left wing.

This has been discussed on Labourhome in some depth a year ago.

More than my shareholding in Messagespace, I count Paul Staines (Guido) as a friend and I have many friend whose politics I disagree with. Some of them are Labour members.

Labourhome was never meant to be the Alex Hilton Ego Show and I'm very cautious not to post too often which I feel would make readers and writers think that there is an editorial line. I do have strong opinions on many subjects and this is just one of the places I express those opinions - but I wanted this to be a space where the entire breadth of Labour thought is welcome.

Now I won't say who has been threatening me because that would be unfair and I still hope he will change his mind. But I have been told that if I don't extract myself from Messagespace I will be painted as endorsing every offensive comment or article on the Guido Fawkes site, that of Devil's Kitchen, Iain Dale and every other right winger on the system.

I have been told that I don't have Labour values by owning shares in Messagespace though, frankly, I feel more guilty about not checking where my tiny pension pot is invested. I have been told that there will be a campaign to rubbish me in the Labour Party and this will inevitably reflect badly on Labourhome.

Now I really am not going to comment on who made this threat. What I would like is your views on whether I am wrong about my 10% ownership of Messagespace or my friendship with Paul Staines. I'm not saying I'm going to do anything different on the basis of your thoughts, I just felt that as you contribute to this site, you ought to be able to say in the open what you think and be able to hold me accountable.

Alex Hilton
alexhilton@gmail.com
07985 384 859


tim ireland (bloggerheads) got hold of the above offering like a dog with a new bone and made great play of paul staines' uncertain bankruptcy status - only to witness the entire post and comment-thread scratched silently from the labourhome website. other contributors helpfully pointed to the dangers of licking the arse of the worm-infested. but whatever the angle, mr hilton's conscience clearly felt the need to defend him.

then this from jag singh on labourlist:


Derek,

I intended to stay out of this fight between you and Guido/Paul, but you've personally involved me and it's time I speak frankly. Those of us who have been involved in online electioneering for far longer than you, can clearly see that you're taking us all down in to the gutter. We last spoke a few days ago (about Labourlist taking MessageSpace ads - an idea YOU brought up months ago, btw) and we were still talking about the possibility of Labourlist joining the MessageSpace network. Now you are attacking me.

I'm comfortable with MessageSpace's dealings with Guido - and here's why:

Last week I mailed a cheque for £500 to Tom Harris' Glasgow South Constituency Labour Party for the revenue accumulated from MessageSpace ads on his website. MessageSpace has never done so with an MP from another party.

Last summer, during the Mayoral elections, MessageSpace helped Ken Livingstone's campaign (not Boris' team!), and we were able to work for bargain rates for the Labour Party. We were able to do it because the commercial side of our business makes us able to do things for free, like run charity ads for Action Aid and even the DEC.

MessageSpace has run successful campaigns for War on Want, and handled ad campaigns for unions (Unite, Amicus, CWU, TUC, NUT) and charities (Save the Children, Help the Aged, Royal British Legion, Stroke Association, Friends of the Earth, Oxfam, Media Standards Trust, Age Concern, Plane Stupid) alike. And yes, we've also done a little bit of work for Policy Exchange, the LibDems and the Conservative Party. These adverts appear on some forty blogs, of which Guido is just one.

As Chris Paul puts it, "MessageSpace is a help with the sustainability of blogs across the political spectrum and the boycott mentality advanced here is not likely to help the rest of MessageSpace's outlets." We've been able to direct more advertising money (and by extension, support) to sites like Labourhome, Labour Outlook, Kerron Cross, Bloggers4Labour, Tribune Online, Harry's Place than Google or any other ad network for the sole reason that we're able to aggregate our influential audience and deliver them directly to advertisers. Over the last few years we have paid tens of thousands of pounds to bloggers.

We have channelled and provided more financial support for more Labour blogs than anyone else. Your cack-handed attempt to get back at Guido/Paul is going to undermine all that. You are also going to get the back up of most of the rest of the blogosphere - big successful, influential sites like PoliticalBetting.com. Do you understand or even realise we sell ads on behalf of all these sites? It is all very well for ConservativeHome and PoliticsHome who have substantial funding from Tory backer, they don't need us, most Labour blogs don't have any backers. Are you trying to undermine everyone else in your blind rage with Guido?

Before you start on about racism let me tell you something - I grew up in the deep South in a post-9/11 America, wearing a turban. In my time I have known racists and I know Paul Staines. I also know his father, and have joked with him in Hindi. It's probably better than mine, perhaps because he comes from Uttar Pradesh, in India. I've also played with Paul's youngest daughter, Priya. Trust me, I'm pretty sure Paul isn't racist.

If you really want to pick a fight with other bloggers - have at it. You are however in my view damaging the whole blogosphere with this fit of pique. So far you've just got everybody's backs up and done the party absolutely no favours. This pointless, stupid and ill thought out attack on a funding stream for many Labour supporting blogs is worse than counter-productive.

Give me a call - we should be working together to further the Party's efforts on the Web.

JS

Jag Singh @ 11:06 am, Mon 16th Feb 2009

the above address was then summarily butchered by a mr steve dryden.

i love mr singh's list of good causes, as patronized by messagespace - he appears to have omitted the idf pizza fund.

paul staines, jag singh and alex hilton: three individuals united in friendship by a common desire to make money and diss muslims. they must find the anonymous comment facility on the guido fawkes blog an exhilarating release, at any time of day.

apology to paul staines: not so much a racist as a person who hates the devotees of one religion, very very much.

so where does the cuddly mr draper fit into all of this? (he comes across as one of those flawed but rather genial higher executive officers that one might be fortunate to encounter in the civil service...likes a long liquid lunch...and easily confused with david shaylor) labourlist stats are comparable with those of the guido fawkes blog, no wonder staines is pissed. however, the staines-draper-feud could all be for show: by the sounds of it, derek draper has put pressure on alex hilton to sell his shares in messagespace...isn't it paul staines who wants to buy them...?

the closet voyeur: or how a misleading blogger called john approached me in the dolphin

aside from descriptions of western foreign policy in the middle east, i've noticed the term 'control freak' a few times recently:-

(1) michelle obama was recently honoured with this title in a gossip magazine. and so what really? many of us have been accused of such unpleasant self-centredness during our lives. no big surprise then that it can happen to the president's wife too...although i would be interested to know whether mr obama is also a 'control freak' or whether, in the marriage, he falls more into the 'controlled freak' category and will duly subjugate the globe, along with his alleged conjugal frustrations...as a self-satisfying little sideline.

(2) paul staines (guido fawkes). by tim ireland (bloggerheads). in disrespect of the former's snide comment moderation 'policy'. the other side of the bedsheet being that mr staines is in the nasty habit of rolling over and spreading his legs for any political body with the right figure ($).

connection?

yes, mr staines must be well-pleased with the results of those clandestine romps swinging with his obama-backing islamophobic celebrity friends: a president in washington who's tough on muslims, and a % of the vaults of those banks he oh so conveniently helped topple just prior to mr obama's election.

remember that paul staines is the man who enjoys saying anything about anyone without the possibility of being sued himself...cheeky? no, not when he's quick to threaten with libel-writs those who criticize him...

over the last couple of years, i originally thought the constant cellphone-surveillance and hidden camera stunts the work of some kinky prankster who had an unhealthy fascination with the goings-on in my bedroom...well i'm sure that it provided for some amusing titillation at a few 'get-togethers'...but i've now come to the realisation that the real motive for this obsessive observation was no more than a form of cheap blackmail. why else would someone calculatedly and fastidiously inform me as to how they knew of all my movements and conversations, whilst rigorously concealing his identity? fortunately, i was oblivious to the extortionate aspect of all this attention, and continued to write satire (on guido fawkes) for myself and my own enjoyment.

i wonder how much 'gossip' on guido surfaced as a result of a pretty girl getting slipped the telephone number of a westminster insider - allowing the woodworm access to a myriad of digital directories and eavesdropping opportunities...both during and between calls? a highly illegal bug...one would assume...

my forecast? a bright future. neither for the present administration...nor those who claim to hold it to account. a very bad reflection.

his special day

and as black people devoted themselves to the temporary television screens rigged up in work-places around britain, the white colleagues felt conspicuously left out of the ritual - unless they could shore up some sheer facade of hopeful racial-suffering. and in primary schools, children, black and white alike, flew dreams of the day they would ascend to the most powerful chiefdom on earth - until skilfully shut down by the exclusion of non-miscegenation, by the realization that mr obama was no model of them, nor for them, nor even correctly coloured-in. whilst the half-mast children just glimpsed the similarity, but not the significance of growing into the man they took for granted - and just didn't get the deal. and nor would they, for a few years - maybe never, if this slim symbol slew the monster of experience which "miss" classified without ever having had the opportunity to examine face-to-face. these special kids had never known a different president and didn't know the different times he'd had to pass. this was the one silly thing their parents could not hope to teach them - but their education would. unlike their friends, they had a big lesson ahead. only the chinese really got it.

fantasist fawkes in furore over furry ferret fetish fixation

sticks and stones may break my bones, but hamsters...?

well. i've had many things thrown at me in my time time but never a cute little furball. still, there's always a first time. someone has recently been characterized as afore-mentioned rodent on the guido site, and subsequently, and somewhat obsessively, had the misfortune to be stuffed up another (dissenting) commentator's arse. now call me vain, but i believe fawkes or one of his prawns was referring to my good self...

so what, you may ask, is all this about?

it's about incandescently animose feelings aroused in the blog's right-minded readership over paul staines' flippant support of the israeli massacre of palestinians in gaza. in a fit of juvenile pique at old-socialist support for the anti-murder movement, he encouraged his fans to pay for moral-boosting kosher pizza to be delivered to IDF soldiers - although the infamous post could more accurately be described as a pressure-valve-excuse to vent his pre-existing islamophobic views. you see, the argument had been building up in the comments' section for a few days - with the yellow emperor brilliantly debunking anonymous and kicking the latter's snide sick-ass up-and-down every page of the site. since staines 'came out' he has posted more pro-death views and has continued to be knocked sensible (one might foolishly hope) by dalai lama ding dong - presumably the selfsame outraged outrider.

ah, but bloggers like to play games, wind people up, and provoke debate, don't they? yes, and the guido fawkes blog has proved itself a master of the art...with generally a high level of freetalk tolerated. it is also a satirically slanted page. so what's the problem? the problem is that this post was not spiced with deep-pan irony, but churlish reactionism which revealed paul staines' contempt for both arab and jewish humanity alike - after all, he only sided with one party because of his dislike for the other, apparently...although i noticed, in comments which he duly deleted, that accusations of opportunism, BNP sympathies, smothering of d-notices, and paid-for pro-zionism all bubbled to the surface during the intellectually imbalanced bout. there is also an element of hypocrisy involved here too - because, from personal experience, i know that extremely dry, cutting criticism, which pertains to subjects such as racism and establishment authorized exploitation of immigrants, is routinely and summarily excized from the record.

often comically portrayed as bit of a chump, could staines be altruistically setting up abhorrently decorative skittles for his superbly analytical commentator to scatter asunder in a moral bowling alley becrowded by gasping spectators? no, not from where i stand - that would entail the admission of his darkest secret...ie. that his visitors are more interested in the commentators' contributions than his own. this is totally true - he appears to have attracted one phenomenally intellectual writer to the site, whose depth of political, philosophical, psychycological and economical understanding is simply astonishing and, more importantly, rooted in a rigorous yet down-to-earth morality. why else do you think the blog is consumed by politicos of the highest rank? this man or woman seems to spatter words onto the screen with a brashly satirical virtuosity and prokofievan prolificism. probably the best blogger in the world. not i, i might add. is this all an imagination on my part? no - anyone who reads guido fawkes regularly would recognize the person of whom i speak. this integrally purposeful performer must hold down many thousands of readers a day - accounting for paul staines' marvellous viewing statistics. i assume that poetic and comedic cameo appearances from people like myself push the hits up even further.

staines is a cynical mercantilist who thinks nothing of profiting from the current bloody conflict by coldly and humourlessly backing the aggressor - the irony being that his inability to repress his own extremist feelings will ultimately cause the bread-and-butter of his freeloving-fanbase to desert him. hats off to his idealogical disintegrity. or perhaps, like both established parties, he's sniffed the financial wind and is looking to pick up the race-hate vote? short-termist. fuck, i'm just the prick who requested payment for posting satoiletry amongst the comments. in the light of events, thank god he ignored my proposal with the contempt with which he treats everyone else. please appreciate that i have never gone in for guido-bashing, mainly due to the fact that i was unaware of the true nastiness of his anonymously excremented opinions. a thank you here to tim ireland and others who have fastidiously documented staines' hypocrisy and his zealous crusade to impose liberty on us all. i do not agree with tim ireland's politics nor his antipathy towards the (almost) 'anything goes' rough 'n tumble of the guido fawkes' bar-room-brawl (i have rather enjoyed it), but appreciate that tim is is a decent, sincere and level-headed bloke. unfortunately, the landlord at the guido & fawkes is a stasi-snitch and his blog an ink blob which his blotting-paper will have great difficulty in absorbing.

win/lose: obama result cool with afro-yankees

newsflash:

spark up! can now furnish its faithful readers with the blinding results of a sophisticated new lightening-strike opinion poll...

(sample: one randomly selected black american tourist enjoying a beer and the sweet sassy sounds of the anointed jackson sisters at london's new orleans festival)

"yeah man. if the muddlaroad guy wins, he sure our favorite black homeboy. if he lose, he just some motherfucker honky has-bin."

thanks to mr pick hedge, who describes himself as 'mister joe main-street floten' voter'


the foregoing interview was carried out by scat (southern crumbfart & twisters) and specially commissioned at no particular expense to this organisation

prop-a-gate: didn't they do well!

by employing their last publicly funded breath to resuscitate terminally ill banks, bush, brown and the other political vampires of the western world have drained the lifeblood of the welfare state to infuse their avaricious kith and kin with prolonged parasitical powers

by destroying the natural auto-immune system of the free-market (its self-educatory facility to reward success and punish failure) with the poison of quicksilver, our leaders have propagated the malignant growth of short-termism

socialism and capitalism corrupted in a single perverted coup-de-grace

of course, the social welfare blood-bank has been used for decades as cover for the dark powers to tax-off the fruit of honest industry

but now the crescendo of their craving has demanded a whack-up final fix

an oppression overdose

government has exercized its democratic prerogative and exhibited a perpetual preference to rob peter in order to pay-off paul

so why does peter still prefer government?

share dump: follow the markets guided by the analytical acumen of our finest financial brain...from the comfort of your own bog

when i checked the ftse 100 index earlier today, i was immediately concerned by its somewhat erratic and uncharacteristic behaviour

it was going

upwards

but fortunately it did not take long for normal business to be resumed as london took it's cue from new york and shares began to do do what they do best

fucking plummet!

go on boys! get down there!

you know you want to!

go on my son! go on my son! you can do it!

jump! jump! jump!

dive! fucking dive! fucking dive!

the bottom's not anywhere near fucking enough!

dow jones 9000 psychological barrier

is it fuck!

i'm gagging to savour a minus 9000 share-shafting barrier-rogering bank-buggering global-gang-banging fucking bust!

with added freefall fiscal frissons

and get buffeted shitless by the resultant monetary fucking boom!

go pike into eternal fucking liquidation

you know it makes sense!

go bask bare-assed on the cool polished rocks of oblivion my worthless beauties

stat-shattering!shock spark up! surge from down-under exposed for inspection!what a stunner!

amazingly! spark up! scored record bloghits this week! an absolutely cataclysmic clock-up! and it's only wednesday! despite the cruel injustice of a virtually opaque blog-blockade (administered by faceless authorities) spark up! with a phenomenal 9000% increase in individual page-visits (as compared against all previous weeks put together!) beat the odds and emerged proud! and with head held high! suck on that guido!!!

britain's phoney war: st gord and the boys who cried gulf

the uk government about to launch another war against yet another intangible adversary

no, not the mythical al qaeda this time around, but the credit crunch, a real fucking monster by all accounts, eats money or something - according, that is, to our financial better-offs, the banks, who reckon its been rampant in their vaults and noshed half the country's economy...so they say

can't we just set a bloody big rat-trap and use gordon brown as bait?

britain's motto seems to be: if there ain't an enemy, invent one

and have him pose quixotically against the backdrop of an existential economic nightmare

first fuck off as many foreigners as possible to make the plot sound plausible though

i know i shouldn't tell you the ending, but i'm sure you've guessed already

bin laden did it

the gold's all bunked under some mountain in afghanistan

that's why we're out there wasting men women and kiddiwinks by the villageful

you know it makes sense

funny

we've been conveniently fabricating foes to satisfy our strategic ambition for a century or so

when the real deal arrives on our doorstep, it's invisible, invincible and insatiable

go on gordon the gladiator, take your social safety net and a trident missile

see if you can do him

where's st fucking george when you need him?

spark up! exclusive: mandelstone was brown bogey

newstrash:

thanks to our fabulous team of dedicated investigators, spark up! is now privy to privileged political inside information and can reveal what no other bugger in the blogosphere realized nor even dared fucking imagine - namely that a giant prime-ministerial snotball was removed from pete mandelspun's left kidney over the weekend. fuck knows how it got there, i'm not a doctor.

spark up! the blog that brings you news the rest can't digest

boris freewheels towards fascism

boris johnson's mpa-led inquiry into metropolitan police racism was just too obvious, hardly imaginative

he pushed blair, great, but then he had to

in light of very smelly financial revelations (which required a good strong flushing),
untidy corpses,
a disappointing lack of timely bombs with which the chief might opportunely intimidate us into prostrating ourselves before his rank indispensability,
too great a focus on nicking black officers/black inner city youths,
and to cap it all: the rather embarrassing incident of a handful of coppers who failed to buy a valid ticket at the oval underground-station - and then proceeded to steam a tube-train full of commuters

instigating an in-house inquiry into the fucking obvious though boris?

the length of a football match to finish off sean rigg?

great result

if not abolish the evil bob altogether

consider exhibiting the entire collection of conscious constables outside the national gallery in pigeon square for the mum of all bollockings...dressed-down...for a life-study...with a crushed watermelon and a sweet street kiss



(did the boys catch boris without lights on his bike, make him push it home or something? whatever they got on him, he's not pedalling hard enough for sure)

the guido fawkes friday caption competition (boy from brazil edition)

take part in the famous guido fawkes friday caption competition

here on spark up!

register your witty entry in the comments section below

(safe in the knowledge that you will not be helping fawkes to help himself to any more wealth than he already has, the greedy cunt)

everyone's a winner:

if i raise enough money i can sue the bastard!

this advertisement is brought to you courtesy of messyplace

the blair bracelet:

standard issue metropolitan police handcuff

comes in attractive matching pair

beautifully crafted stainless steel fashion accessory

perfect for dirty little cunts whose right hand claims to be totally fucking oblivious to what the left one's doing

do what you will, but please don't bang me up naked and alone with...

a pre-payment gasmeter

room 101:

just don't go there