Friday, 18 December 2009

dear dave

despite maintaining a healthy official firebreak between your party and the uk's most popular political blog, it's now common knowledge that the guido fawkes website is a valued tool of the conservative party - prized tory property in which the upper echelons take both a secret pride and great interest, due mainly to the high level of political, economic and sociological analysis which crams out the comments sections and which is consumed obsessively by the cream of right-wing intelligensia. indeed, dave, i am sure that you and your top advisors are in the habit of consulting guido fawkes, together with other influential right-wing blogs, in order to inform your opinion and mould party strategy. unfortunately, however, herein lies a serious problem - because, on behalf of obama global and general slaughterhouses inc, a certain little miss jocelyn has been busy renting office space on all the major right-of-centre blogs and shitting out her cuckoo policies with gay abandon...for you to incubate, hatch and rear in the warm cozy nest of conservative central office...all in connivance with her buddy, president obama's number one man in great britain, david lammy mp, minster of state for business, innovation and skills...who, it is evident, has been wantonly moonlighting, instead of concentrating his energies on his constituency and governmental duties. so you see, i'm afraid you've been sold a dud dave - and the other david's been grooming you ready for the united states' president to take walkies...primarily to a war-crimes tribunal. in a nutshell, you've been reading the wrong stuff, dave - which probably explains why you currently advocate hunting down those deadly toddler al qaeda cells which covertly operate amongst the infant populations of muslim nursery schools...which probably explains why you intend to deploy eco-friendly tanks and cruise missiles in helmund province...and which probably explains why you wish to massacre one half of afghanistan's children in the hope of encouraging the other half to train to become doctors and found a cutting-edge health service in their brand spanking new democracy...or they could, of course, choose to go to america and work for peanuts reforming the united states' health-care a special favour to president barack obama...and be grateful for the life-changing's a free world, ain't it dave?

well maybe you're already well aware of this situation, dave, and quite comfortable with it too...after all, some of your closest cabinet confidants have been enjoying the lascivious pleasures of paul staines' notorious guido fawkes orgies, so i hear...and getting on fucking famously with little miss jocelyn's foxy fact, they've all apparently ended up becoming quite intimate...and why not? let's big-up the technicolor dawn of a new age of multi-cultural conservatism as it flourishes unabashed in the fertile soil of this great and tolerant land where black and white are afforded an equal opportunity to hate the guts of muslims with all their hearts and minds and souls...not to mention their god-given might (especially the persuaders of fundamental christianity). tragically tho', dave, whilst no doubt being boosted by the fanatical emotional support of your cliquey cabal of fresh-found black extremist friends and finding faux-comfort in the cool companionship of your communal small-mindedness, i fear that you fail to appreciate the supreme nonchalance with which these deviant jokers let you and your kind send out ignorant white boys to slay innocent muslim civilians...and also their smugness on observing those same white boys returned home in ceremonial, nay celebratory, coffins - because, let's face it, slavery is, as yet, neither forgotten nor forgiven...saddam hussein was not renowned for his prominence as a stand-up comedian, so heed carefully his final dictum that western civilization would founder in the wastes of arabia - and remember that it would not only be he who would view with satisfiction that particular outcome...who knows...perhaps even obama himself is not averse to watching his honour-killing child-murdering christian soldiers leading us over the lip of the abyss...? and isn't the swag-president just as much a crack-pot christo-cuntric crusader as blair, or lammy, or our own dear little miss jocelyn?

yes dave, do the citizens of this country really pray for the members of yet another political family to cower under state police protection for the rest of their 'natural' lives? we certainly don't want to pay for it - of that i can assure you.

so i suppose that's about it dave...and if it's achieved nothing else, at least this letter has established who's wearing the political trousers in the englishman's conservative castle...and oh...that reminds me dave...just one thing...i know the queen gave you an introduction into conservative central office - did she swing the first-class honours degree for you too...?

your ever humble peasant

spark up

ps: riddle me much do you know about the close associate of guido fawkes who carries out phone-tapping and other illegal surveillance operations on political bloggers? is he, or she, one of yours, one of the government's, one of lammy's, one of obama's, one of little miss jocelyn's, or one of staines'? or are all you perverted buggers at it? you know, it must be christmas.

dearest t

given that you do not read this blog, guido fawkes, old holborn, or call me ishmael, and you do not monitor my communications by hacking into my computer (let alone eavesdrop on my conversations and track my movements via a bug in my mobile telephone), i trust that the contents of this letter will cause you absolutely no offence whatsoever.

i cut short your last telephone call because you started to rant on about sinking 'this ship'. if you are going to push your magic red button and turn the world upside down, please proceed - and i will await reports of a wet fart occurring in a hurricane. you appear to have issues about power which manifest themselves in an acute complex about the size of your penis - a trait which i must confess i have always found rather unattractive in a woman.

please give my love and lots of kisses to mummy - if she wants me, she will have to catch me.




Wednesday, 30 September 2009

brown: value for money?

now that gordon brown has chosen to appeal to the traditional values of hard-working british families, i can only assume that he considers these 'values' to include hypocrisy and the exploitation of illegal immigrants from countries colonized by unidealistic poverty. personally, i see absolutely no evidence of this prime minister's integrity; if he had truly wished the electorate to believe in him and his precious politics, mr brown would have sacked baroness scotland before wasting his words on a high-minded conference speech - but now, no-one of any worth will buy it. with all due respect: markets need to turn a profit, and politicians need morals (not the other way round you confused cunt).

Monday, 31 August 2009

carnival curfew: an early bedtime for multiculturalism

last year: police cut off the carnival music at 8pm and provoked a riot in notting hill.

this year: aside from advance-raids on the homes of carnival-goers who meet with their disapproval, the police are ensuring their revenge by stopping the parade at 6.30pm, in the shameless hope of provoking even greater civil disturbance - which will ultimately give the metropolitan police 'just cause' for closing the notting hill carnival down for good...

...and then we would witness the inevitable evolution of the illegal carnival - attendance at which would amount to a far more blatant political statement than participation in the current carnival, which, in connivance with a compromised community, is controlled and organised by a repressive police authority...well...6.30pm finish?...can't be a black people's party, can it? that's even a bit early for white people...

and where is trevor phillips* whilst his friends in scotland yard are cracking down on carnival with a horde of mounted troops that would have been the envy of genghis khan? he's sitting on his hands - when, by rights, he should be co-ordinating dawn busts on potentially pernicious and subversive promenaders ahead of their empirically british 'last night' at albert hall.

but fair play to him - trevor phillips is making a fine job of monitoring the content of this very blog thanks to his obama-backing, phone-bugging, pc-hacking, islamophobic associates in the guido fawkes hinterland.

*head of the equality and human rights commission

Sunday, 23 August 2009

a tribute to president barack obama

for some obscure reason, there are people who assume that i am unhappy about the ascension of barack obama to the white house...but i am not...well...i felt in my heart-of-hearts that mr mccain cut a more genuine, warm and fatherly figure...and as a war-veteran could have made military decisions with more comprehension and compassion...and less rabid blood-lust...but in fact i am truly ecstatic that we finally have the first afro-american president of the u s of a...really...because now there truly is no black or white - just people who are either for or against this.

nice one barack.

Wednesday, 19 August 2009

slurping in the slime-trail of trevor phillips: kwame kwei-armah gets lost up love's blind alley

kwame kwei-armah looks up to barack obama as the father-figure of 21st century civil-rights' activism and seems to have stereotyped barack obama as a modern-day william tell. well mr kwei-armah, i hope you trust your saviour's aim, son, because playwrights who go round with their eyes screwed tight shut are fuck all use to anyone.

our obama moment on comment is free,, 6th november 2008:

"Kwame Kwei-Armah
I make my living with words, which as you might expect gives me the greatest respect for their power, resilience, sheer and almost exclusive contribution and exploration to that which I believe most worthy – but it also allows me to understand and respect their limitations. And this, the election of Barack Obama to the office of the most powerful person in the world, is one such moment where my facility for words can never, should probably never, capture what it is that is going on in my heart.

I don't think I even know what is going on in my heart. But as I left the shores of the United States on Monday night – where everyone's nerves were on show – and although I have always maintained cautious optimism when it came to believing in Barack's success, I found myself having to rebuke those nerves and hold onto the mantra, the now iconic mantra, "Yes we can". And yes we did.

I ran about my house at 4am, as I screamed and woke my children to the chant, "We have a black president". We? Who is we? I honestly thought that I may have been going mad – for the tears and the screaming just would not stop. No matter how much I tried to calm myself it just would not stop and I thought I was going to go insane with joy and pride as I hugged my 12-year-old son and he said, "Dad, we have a black president"; and as my 16-year-old son asked if I believed that would happen in my lifetime and I replied, "Yes, the moment I heard Obama's 2004 speech in Boston"; and as I listened to my daughter, full of sleep, say "I need to go to an Obama party".

I knew that deep in my heart, despite all my words, that maybe I didn't quite ever believe that I would see this day. But now I have – my only sadness is that his mother and father, and my mother, were not here to see this. What a day, what a sleepless day, but a magnificent day."

and so now the first black president has proved himself to be a dirty double-talking war-criminal, where's the criticism wanker?

Saturday, 15 August 2009

the welfare state: bromide of the people

turns off society

celebrity nothing but the truth

i wonder whether obama-worshipping celebrities like jocelyn jee esien and chris rock were duped into supporting the current united states administration, and its war-crimes in the middle east, or whether they were always just ingrained islamophobic crusaders simply gagging to re-inforce the white man's prejudices, who found this presidency an irresistably golden opportunity to vent their repressed church-blessed hatred.

my money's on the latter option, but when, in time, barack obama's popularity fails and the gloss dross turns to disowning him, i suspect that cynical intellectuals such as jocelyn jee esien and chris rock will be claiming the former.

Wednesday, 5 August 2009

notice to readers: beware cheap imitations

i do hereby wish to declare that, i, spark up, have not commented on the guido fawkes bog-wall since early january - except once, as "spark up".

Thursday, 30 July 2009

certifigate: latest update

here in the uk, we were perilously close to getting barack obama handed-down as our next prime minister (thanks to barack obama's claim to british citizenship through his father), but fortunately he has now been confirmed as an all-american toffee-apple (which never fell far from the tree) and they're stuck with him:

obama's father is communist frank marshall davis

Tuesday, 28 July 2009

obama's birth-certificate: the shit from the shat

spark up! can today reveal exlusively that rumours surrounding the authenticity of barack obama's birth-certificate (and confusion over the exact details of his nativity) are simply part of a complex disinformation campaign conceived by the cia and fbi. government operatives are working day-and-night to undermine a dastardly plot by the kkk to tell the president to "go back where he came from". special field-agent, mr i fakem, said, "we are doing our nuts trying to defend the big guy from these nasty jibes, and whilst there are people out there continuing to talk at liberty, there is always the serious risk that, one-day, one discordant little word will get through the ring of spiel and upset him irreconcilably - we, at the bureau, are confident, however, that our tactics of concealing the true facts about the president's country of origin should ensure that no-one directs him to piss off back there anytime soon".

Monday, 27 July 2009

between a rock and a hard-faced act

chris rock, former american comedian, has announced his retirement from ripping the living piss out of incumbent presidents of the united states - on the grounds that mr obama is the "comedian's worst nightmare" and 'too inspiring to make fun of' considering the fistful of dollars which he, chris, has personally delivered up-front into brother barack's campaign-fund, not-to-mention the embarrassment of faustian-factor-10 photo ops going begging on the white house lawn. of course, president obama is not only the comedian's "worst nightmare", but also the "worst nightmare" of every little boy and little girl living, or dying, in helmund province, afghanistan - and forgive my cynicism, but one is hard-pushed to believe that the ultra-quick-witted chris rock was ignorant of the contribution which he was implicitly making to the coffins of obama's real-death fighting-fund...

yes, in barack obama we have truly found an icon, a human-being who commands the innate spirituality to inspire men of all creeds and colours to sacrifice their meaningless lives for the everlasting glory of his unimpeachable name...ironically, by voting-in one of the most entrenched racists in recent history, the liberal citizens of the united states of america may have inadvertently taught the world a very very important lesson: racism does not a derive from the colour of a man's skin, but from the colour of his soul.

Friday, 17 July 2009

jocelyn jee esien bombs for obama

when recently reading stanislav on obama's humourless delivery of ordnance and worldly war-mongering words, i was rudely reminded of one of his british born girl-guards, jocelyn esien, who is, by-and-large, equally witless wotless and dependent on other people's material - which she slyly sub-sources and shamelessly passes off as her own original work. but leaving aside the murky state of miss esien's professional ethicity (rumours about which have surely led to her credentials as a writer coming under question and her little miss jocelyn series sliding soundlessly from bbc schedules), i would prefer to concentrate my ire on more serious affairs - jocelyn esien's emotional support for the casual killer of humanity, families and children, president barack obama, the american warhead in afghanistan, and first black man to make a complete cunt of himself in the white house. jocelyn esien ('jos jee' to her friends) is a remarkable actress with a veritable multiplication of personalities stashed in her walkabout wardrobe, yet she totally miscalculated when attempting to combine the role of celebrity political activist with conscious community support comedienne - this was just one face too many, i'm afraid. you see miss esien wants to preen like a queen in her celebrity sheen whilst licking the sweet splash of obalma glamour off her brazen body before it has even shied from trickling down the crack in her pertinently bare ass - she wants to pose uncriticized against the christylized gun-crime poster whilst bigging-up the macho gangster-man-murderer mr barack hussein obama. the seeping gang-blood of youth is really only a race-paint-prop for her carefully-staged career and her bank-rĂ´le, playing a delinquently dark-hearted duo with the black-comedian-in-residence in the oval office, is no damn good example to impress on any succeeding ghetto generation - these two guys are actors, not models...and as the president continues to mercifully blast the unbleached brains out of young muslim girls who would otherwise have had to suffer a cruel lease of life without the benefit of a dog-standard democratic education, the hypocritical highlights of stars such as jocelyn jee esien will fade-to-dusk and be set to rest, fittingly, in the west wings of their horrific theatre of self-service. her epitaph: a latter-day leni riefenstahl, but not quite so funny. don't get me wrong, when time is inevitably called, i don't wish to see this bitter-barking talent put up against the wall and mown-down along with her 'muse', president obama, and accompliced terrorists mr anthony blair, prime minister gordon brown, and mr george w bush (one should make allowances for dozy feminists like miss esien), no, if justice is properly served, she will find herself in a dim dingy cell, her big gob locked-down for 24-hours-a-day between the concert-pitched thighs of a certain ms condoleeza rice, paying customary lip-service - although i fear she might well enjoy the strictures of this sanction just a little bit too can but dream...for the meantime, i don't expect jocelyn esien to spew the obamatic bile of any projectile presidential satire our way anytime soon - the best we can hope for is probably some lame-gummed sketch about the white hand not knowing who the black one is feeling up...although this is a great pity as she could get away with (illegitimately harvested) lines of a more assassinatory nature on the fringe-boards. what we definitely can't expect is a true exposition of united states foreign policy - for example, the freewheeling vision of a perma-grin president obama bouncing an afghan baby's head off george bush's chest, dribbling it through hillary clinton's splayed legs, and slam-dunking it into osama bin laden's upturned throat...can we?


it appears that the hackney post are conniving with jocelyn jee esien in an attempt to airbrush her infamous obama quote from history - so here it is for posterity:

"despite this foray into femininity, esien credits her comedy career to a series of male muses: jerry lewis, steve martin, jim carrey, eddie murphy, and one barack obama. “president obama,” she corrects herself quickly. “i feel disrespectful when i say barack. he has really, really, really inspired me. i’m pretending he’s my prime minister but he lives in another country.”"

Thursday, 9 July 2009

old holborn maintains complete radio silence on news of the world phone-tap-dancing competition...

...together with all his contributors and commentators. i wonder why...?

and not even a peep about the metroploditan two-piece tea service's reluctance to sniff too deeply into the can. well there's a surprise...

this latter law-shyness presumably because: 1) the buggers are extremely careful not to leave any trace of their illegal invasions of private areas 2) bobbylon are not up to the job and 3) glass cop-shops are liable to splinter.

iain dale predictably plays a strait bat for callscum and cameprune. but skyed it...

guido fawkes revels in relief as yates strikes out...and his comment-gang-members (normally queuing round the bloc to brag about their infinite knowledge of every cunting thing under the sun) signally fail to share with the public their expertise on the digital intricacies and etiquettes of eavesdropping on the orgasms of the fat and famous...but disingenuously reveal how simple it is to crack the code of an unprotected voicemailbox. howzat? leg before wicket...


phone-tapping: a) a remote procedure practised by the insecure which involves listening to and recording the activities and conversations of others via the microphone of a mobile- or land-line regardless of whether the apparatus is in-use or on stand-by b) tracking an individual via the global positioning system utilized by mobile-handsets and c) monitoring of text-messages.

spying: installing spycams in a variety of venues frequented by a victim - including bedrooms and bathrooms.

intimidation: a seemingly chance acquaintance with someone who is ostensibly unfamiliar with any details of one's previous personal life yet oddly prone to dropping constant hints about intimate aspects of one's behaviour. warning: a regular pattern of intimidation may eventually develop into unveiled threats.

entrapment: where a victim is encouraged by an intimidator (see intimidation above) to perpetrate acts which may land the victim in hot-water.

for the record

no, i do not have any evidence that my phone, computer and premises were bugged whilst i commented on guido fawkes between march 2007 and january 2009 - nor do i have the know-how to carry out such surveillance techniques, i'm not even curious.

to softly go where the gutter-press has gone before

today the british blogosphere lost its voice of innocence as it silently gobbled on its own excrement.

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

positive discrimination now officially extinct

old holborn reports that positive discrimination in the uk is now extant as a museum exhibit only

...but still manages to get his knickers in a twist

what a warped old willy

Thursday, 7 May 2009

the recessionary gene: a potty history for the fresh british immigrant

good sir, although your efforts at integration are most admirable, i do not think you guys fully appreciate the tragic history of trials and tribulations which we britons have had to endure whilst settling these blessed isles. we were originally forced to leave africa due to acute climate change, which resulted in severe deforestation and overcrowding, we then travelled thousands of miles, on foot, spent hundreds of thousands of years finding the fucking miserable dump, and, as if all that weren't enough, had to suffer the shame, indignation and acute psychological trauma of our skin turning white, our noses going pointy, our arses deflating, our eyes turning weird and freaky colours, our hair going all funny and straight then bleaching (or in serious cases even going bright bloody red), dropping a cock-size and getting nobbed by romans - all this whilst watching the rain piss down the whole year round. in fact, although we were not aware of this fact at the time, our terrible experiences triggered-off an extremely deep episode of tribal sociopathic psychosis which subsequently induced in us the overwhelming need to become evil murderous thieving raping profiteering cunts - a condition for which our five-century-long participation in the slave-trade, colonization and various acts of worldwide suppression and exploitation acted as a radical, yet progressive form of occupational therapy, which has, i am sorry to say, since been widely discredited. of course, i trust, in the circumstances, that you will understand our awfully embarrassing predicament to the extent that you might find yourself in a position to excuse our awfully bad manners around the globe of late, and i sincerely hope that i may rely on your utmost discretion in this matter. so...thanks for all your marvellous efforts anyway, but we are now investigating alternative healing avenues of a more holistic and practical nature, which go under the general classification of...'work' - take up for these courses of treatment is presently rather slow, but we are receiving some encouraging initial results and anticipate great demand in the coming months. now my only regret (and on this sensitive subject i must here admit to feelings of intense personal guilt) is that, despite inventing the rack, guns, nuclear missiles, and the inflated pigsbladder, we, as a race, never succeeded in concocting a fast and effective skin lightening cream for those unfortunate souls who have elected to follow in our footsteps - and for that unforgivable oversight...i must truly's perfect, hey?...enjoy your stay!

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

the bankrupt budget: a guide to settling accounts

in my expert opinion, alastair darling would have done far more for the british economy on budget day had he produced from his briefcase an uzi sub-machine gun, cut down on 646 public expenses accounts, and then, as a grand finale, detonated his own savile row semtex-suit.

now there is in fact a peculiar logic to this radical financial rescue plan...because, having liquidated parliament, it would then be much harder for this country's creditors to recover their cash; you see, 60 million people are a lot more difficult to find than 646 - especially if we all hide. of course, the queen owns everything and signs everything - so we can always refer the bailiffs to her majesty's front door and thus be rid of two millstones around our necks with one good long stretch for criminal bankruptcy.

every dodgy businessman realizes that the insolvency court is the time-honoured way to get off scot free - why doesn't gordon brown? god knows who'd take over the bailed-out wonga warehouses - but fortunately bankrupts are not eligible as directors. imagine the headlines when the bank of england goes bust domino-style? that's going to be a tricky one to explain to the taxpayers.

if only the prime minister had let the banks collapse in the first place, it would have been a great blow for social equality and the government would have saved a bundle - instead we've all suffered a free-market currency devaluation, incurred massive public debts, and given the banks a huge handout, how very conservative.

in retrospect, why didn't brown punish the bad banks by closing them down, whilst compensating the depositors with the choice of investing elsewhere - we would still have been quids in. no, gordon brown wants our shrinking notes in his banks, and he wants our taxes too - he's obviously more into big business than public welfare. gordon's buying the mistress designer lingerie and leaving the wife with holey old baggies - it remains to be seen whom he'll fuck the most.

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

did messysplice slip staines mcsnide smegmails?

well don't ask me! i haven't a fucking clue! i just reckon it's a valid question, that's all; jag singh and alex hilton are having relations with the labour party...hilton fell out publicly with derek draper...the messageplacemen have vast blogging's not inconceivable that a concerned labour party member could have copied these emails to one of these splicechiks (for a cautionary glance)...and the irresistible lure of rocketing blogstats, publicity, money, and the chance to spring clean downing street, could well have got the better of him. i do however rate tim ireland's cock-up theory, wherein the emails were accidentally copied to a guido fawkes informer, perhaps jag singh or alex hilton - although the ultimate dream would of course be that the emails were indeed hacked and sent to messagespace, but the crime was craftily camouflaged to appear like a piece of classic draper incompetence...well if this was in fact the case, one can but wonder whether staines, singh or hilton were even aware that they were in receipt of stolen smut - not that i would wish to exonerate felons, mind. mmm...involuntary there a little imp at large?

Thursday, 19 March 2009

newsflush: celebrity publicist stricken by freak double-eclipse


rumours have begun to circulate that top publicist max deathorg may have tragically od'd. a hospital spokesman has revealed that events unfolded shortly after the usually irrepressible pr man received the sad news that one of his high-profile campaigns had been cruelly and inensitively upstaged by fate. mr deathorg is said to have been absolutely heart-broken and is reported to have complained of "some posh bird" stealing his main client's deadlines.

*end of flush*

in other unrelated news,

the missed-list:

millions of fans worldwide are mourning the sudden death of talented and beautiful tony-award winning actress natasha richardson who helped raise millions of dollars in the fight against aids. miss richardson, 45, was a trustee of the charity amfar - the foundation for aids research.

whilst in the uk, millions more anxiously await news of terminally-ill jade goody, the brave bouncy big brother celebrity, aged only 27, whose valiant battle against cervical cancer in front of the cameras has raised to an unprecedented level public-awareness of the killer disease - and the vital importance of regular cervical-screening.

the wouldn't-be-missed-list:

pope benedict xvi who, on a visit to cameroon, has proclaimed that condoms are not the solution to the aids crisis and would, in fact, "make matters worse". what an evil lying cunt. what "makes matters worse" is the universal poverty which prompts poor people to share razor-blades and re-use hypodermic needles (whilst faithfully participating in the medically-questionable western vaccination campaigns which almost certainly introduced aids into the african population in the first place); the unsterilized surgical equipment used in woefully under-equipped hospitals and dentists' surgeries is now known to be the main cause of the african aids epidemic - and widespread aids misdiagnosis, due to cheap substandard testing, has historically concealed a huge hepatitis and tuberculosis problem. abstinence mr pope? don't even go there you sad old patronizing wanker.

Thursday, 19 February 2009

the three moskejeers (and dardazzathang)

i've developed that autocue disdain for all things messagespace that so many fellow citizens now reserve for muslims. it's very tedious, i know - unless you're the target of course.

article by alex hilton on labourhome:

A threat from a comrade

alexhilton Mon Feb 16, 2009 at 06:12:27 PM GMT Facebook

Today I got a disturbing and threatening phone call from a Labour member upset that I have a relationship with the Tory blogger Guido Fawkes.

Some time ago I set up a cross-party advertising system for political blogs called messagespace - and the ads on Labourhome are delivered through that system. Messagespace delivers ads onto I think about 40 blogs now from the very left to the very right. I no longer have any role in the company and own a small minority of shares in it - just 10%.
The reason for it being cross-party was that advertisers who had to be politically impartial could not advertise on a system that was wholly left wing.

This has been discussed on Labourhome in some depth a year ago.

More than my shareholding in Messagespace, I count Paul Staines (Guido) as a friend and I have many friend whose politics I disagree with. Some of them are Labour members.

Labourhome was never meant to be the Alex Hilton Ego Show and I'm very cautious not to post too often which I feel would make readers and writers think that there is an editorial line. I do have strong opinions on many subjects and this is just one of the places I express those opinions - but I wanted this to be a space where the entire breadth of Labour thought is welcome.

Now I won't say who has been threatening me because that would be unfair and I still hope he will change his mind. But I have been told that if I don't extract myself from Messagespace I will be painted as endorsing every offensive comment or article on the Guido Fawkes site, that of Devil's Kitchen, Iain Dale and every other right winger on the system.

I have been told that I don't have Labour values by owning shares in Messagespace though, frankly, I feel more guilty about not checking where my tiny pension pot is invested. I have been told that there will be a campaign to rubbish me in the Labour Party and this will inevitably reflect badly on Labourhome.

Now I really am not going to comment on who made this threat. What I would like is your views on whether I am wrong about my 10% ownership of Messagespace or my friendship with Paul Staines. I'm not saying I'm going to do anything different on the basis of your thoughts, I just felt that as you contribute to this site, you ought to be able to say in the open what you think and be able to hold me accountable.

Alex Hilton
07985 384 859

tim ireland (bloggerheads) got hold of the above offering like a dog with a new bone and made great play of paul staines' uncertain bankruptcy status - only to witness the entire post and comment-thread scratched silently from the labourhome website. other contributors helpfully pointed to the dangers of licking the arse of the worm-infested. but whatever the angle, mr hilton's conscience clearly felt the need to defend him.

then this from jag singh on labourlist:


I intended to stay out of this fight between you and Guido/Paul, but you've personally involved me and it's time I speak frankly. Those of us who have been involved in online electioneering for far longer than you, can clearly see that you're taking us all down in to the gutter. We last spoke a few days ago (about Labourlist taking MessageSpace ads - an idea YOU brought up months ago, btw) and we were still talking about the possibility of Labourlist joining the MessageSpace network. Now you are attacking me.

I'm comfortable with MessageSpace's dealings with Guido - and here's why:

Last week I mailed a cheque for £500 to Tom Harris' Glasgow South Constituency Labour Party for the revenue accumulated from MessageSpace ads on his website. MessageSpace has never done so with an MP from another party.

Last summer, during the Mayoral elections, MessageSpace helped Ken Livingstone's campaign (not Boris' team!), and we were able to work for bargain rates for the Labour Party. We were able to do it because the commercial side of our business makes us able to do things for free, like run charity ads for Action Aid and even the DEC.

MessageSpace has run successful campaigns for War on Want, and handled ad campaigns for unions (Unite, Amicus, CWU, TUC, NUT) and charities (Save the Children, Help the Aged, Royal British Legion, Stroke Association, Friends of the Earth, Oxfam, Media Standards Trust, Age Concern, Plane Stupid) alike. And yes, we've also done a little bit of work for Policy Exchange, the LibDems and the Conservative Party. These adverts appear on some forty blogs, of which Guido is just one.

As Chris Paul puts it, "MessageSpace is a help with the sustainability of blogs across the political spectrum and the boycott mentality advanced here is not likely to help the rest of MessageSpace's outlets." We've been able to direct more advertising money (and by extension, support) to sites like Labourhome, Labour Outlook, Kerron Cross, Bloggers4Labour, Tribune Online, Harry's Place than Google or any other ad network for the sole reason that we're able to aggregate our influential audience and deliver them directly to advertisers. Over the last few years we have paid tens of thousands of pounds to bloggers.

We have channelled and provided more financial support for more Labour blogs than anyone else. Your cack-handed attempt to get back at Guido/Paul is going to undermine all that. You are also going to get the back up of most of the rest of the blogosphere - big successful, influential sites like Do you understand or even realise we sell ads on behalf of all these sites? It is all very well for ConservativeHome and PoliticsHome who have substantial funding from Tory backer, they don't need us, most Labour blogs don't have any backers. Are you trying to undermine everyone else in your blind rage with Guido?

Before you start on about racism let me tell you something - I grew up in the deep South in a post-9/11 America, wearing a turban. In my time I have known racists and I know Paul Staines. I also know his father, and have joked with him in Hindi. It's probably better than mine, perhaps because he comes from Uttar Pradesh, in India. I've also played with Paul's youngest daughter, Priya. Trust me, I'm pretty sure Paul isn't racist.

If you really want to pick a fight with other bloggers - have at it. You are however in my view damaging the whole blogosphere with this fit of pique. So far you've just got everybody's backs up and done the party absolutely no favours. This pointless, stupid and ill thought out attack on a funding stream for many Labour supporting blogs is worse than counter-productive.

Give me a call - we should be working together to further the Party's efforts on the Web.


Jag Singh @ 11:06 am, Mon 16th Feb 2009

the above address was then summarily butchered by a mr steve dryden.

i love mr singh's list of good causes, as patronized by messagespace - he appears to have omitted the idf pizza fund.

paul staines, jag singh and alex hilton: three individuals united in friendship by a common desire to make money and diss muslims. they must find the anonymous comment facility on the guido fawkes blog an exhilarating release, at any time of day.

apology to paul staines: not so much a racist as a person who hates the devotees of one religion, very very much.

so where does the cuddly mr draper fit into all of this? (he comes across as one of those flawed but rather genial higher executive officers that one might be fortunate to encounter in the civil service...likes a long liquid lunch...and easily confused with david shaylor) labourlist stats are comparable with those of the guido fawkes blog, no wonder staines is pissed. however, the staines-draper-feud could all be for show: by the sounds of it, derek draper has put pressure on alex hilton to sell his shares in messagespace...isn't it paul staines who wants to buy them...?

Sunday, 1 February 2009

the closet voyeur: or how a misleading blogger called john approached me in the dolphin

aside from descriptions of western foreign policy in the middle east, i've noticed the term 'control freak' a few times recently:-

(1) michelle obama was recently honoured with this title in a gossip magazine. and so what really? many of us have been accused of such unpleasant self-centredness during our lives. no big surprise then that it can happen to the president's wife too...although i would be interested to know whether mr obama is also a 'control freak' or whether, in the marriage, he falls more into the 'controlled freak' category and will duly subjugate the globe, along with his alleged conjugal a self-satisfying little sideline.

(2) paul staines (guido fawkes). by tim ireland (bloggerheads). in disrespect of the former's snide comment moderation 'policy'. the other side of the bedsheet being that mr staines is in the nasty habit of rolling over and spreading his legs for any political body with the right figure ($).


yes, mr staines must be well-pleased with the results of those clandestine romps swinging with his obama-backing islamophobic celebrity friends: a president in washington who's tough on muslims, and a % of the vaults of those banks he oh so conveniently helped topple just prior to mr obama's election.

remember that paul staines is the man who enjoys saying anything about anyone without the possibility of being sued himself...cheeky? no, not when he's quick to threaten with libel-writs those who criticize him...

over the last couple of years, i originally thought the constant cellphone-surveillance and hidden camera stunts the work of some kinky prankster who had an unhealthy fascination with the goings-on in my bedroom...well i'm sure that it provided for some amusing titillation at a few 'get-togethers'...but i've now come to the realisation that the real motive for this obsessive observation was no more than a form of cheap blackmail. why else would someone calculatedly and fastidiously inform me as to how they knew of all my movements and conversations, whilst rigorously concealing his identity? fortunately, i was oblivious to the extortionate aspect of all this attention, and continued to write satire (on guido fawkes) for myself and my own enjoyment.

i wonder how much 'gossip' on guido surfaced as a result of a pretty girl getting slipped the telephone number of a westminster insider - allowing the woodworm access to a myriad of digital directories and eavesdropping opportunities...both during and between calls? a highly illegal would assume...

my forecast? a bright future. neither for the present administration...nor those who claim to hold it to account. a very bad reflection.

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

his special day

and as black people devoted themselves to the temporary television screens rigged up in work-places around britain, the white colleagues felt conspicuously left out of the ritual - unless they could shore up some sheer facade of hopeful racial-suffering. and in primary schools, children, black and white alike, flew dreams of the day they would ascend to the most powerful chiefdom on earth - until skilfully shut down by the exclusion of non-miscegenation, by the realization that mr obama was no model of them, nor for them, nor even correctly coloured-in. whilst the half-mast children just glimpsed the similarity, but not the significance of growing into the man they took for granted - and just didn't get the deal. and nor would they, for a few years - maybe never, if this slim symbol slew the monster of experience which "miss" classified without ever having had the opportunity to examine face-to-face. these special kids had never known a different president and didn't know the different times he'd had to pass. this was the one silly thing their parents could not hope to teach them - but their education would. unlike their friends, they had a big lesson ahead. only the chinese really got it.

Friday, 16 January 2009

fantasist fawkes in furore over furry ferret fetish fixation

sticks and stones may break my bones, but hamsters...?

well. i've had many things thrown at me in my time time but never a cute little furball. still, there's always a first time. someone has recently been characterized as afore-mentioned rodent on the guido site, and subsequently, and somewhat obsessively, had the misfortune to be stuffed up another (dissenting) commentator's arse. now call me vain, but i believe fawkes or one of his prawns was referring to my good self...

so what, you may ask, is all this about?

it's about incandescently animose feelings aroused in the blog's right-minded readership over paul staines' flippant support of the israeli massacre of palestinians in gaza. in a fit of juvenile pique at old-socialist support for the anti-murder movement, he encouraged his fans to pay for moral-boosting kosher pizza to be delivered to IDF soldiers - although the infamous post could more accurately be described as a pressure-valve-excuse to vent his pre-existing islamophobic views. you see, the argument had been building up in the comments' section for a few days - with the yellow emperor brilliantly debunking anonymous and kicking the latter's snide sick-ass up-and-down every page of the site. since staines 'came out' he has posted more pro-death views and has continued to be knocked sensible (one might foolishly hope) by dalai lama ding dong - presumably the selfsame outraged outrider.

ah, but bloggers like to play games, wind people up, and provoke debate, don't they? yes, and the guido fawkes blog has proved itself a master of the art...with generally a high level of freetalk tolerated. it is also a satirically slanted page. so what's the problem? the problem is that this post was not spiced with deep-pan irony, but churlish reactionism which revealed paul staines' contempt for both arab and jewish humanity alike - after all, he only sided with one party because of his dislike for the other, apparently...although i noticed, in comments which he duly deleted, that accusations of opportunism, BNP sympathies, smothering of d-notices, and paid-for pro-zionism all bubbled to the surface during the intellectually imbalanced bout. there is also an element of hypocrisy involved here too - because, from personal experience, i know that extremely dry, cutting criticism, which pertains to subjects such as racism and establishment authorized exploitation of immigrants, is routinely and summarily excized from the record.

often comically portrayed as bit of a chump, could staines be altruistically setting up abhorrently decorative skittles for his superbly analytical commentator to scatter asunder in a moral bowling alley becrowded by gasping spectators? no, not from where i stand - that would entail the admission of his darkest that his visitors are more interested in the commentators' contributions than his own. this is totally true - he appears to have attracted one phenomenally intellectual writer to the site, whose depth of political, philosophical, psychycological and economical understanding is simply astonishing and, more importantly, rooted in a rigorous yet down-to-earth morality. why else do you think the blog is consumed by politicos of the highest rank? this man or woman seems to spatter words onto the screen with a brashly satirical virtuosity and prokofievan prolificism. probably the best blogger in the world. not i, i might add. is this all an imagination on my part? no - anyone who reads guido fawkes regularly would recognize the person of whom i speak. this integrally purposeful performer must hold down many thousands of readers a day - accounting for paul staines' marvellous viewing statistics. i assume that poetic and comedic cameo appearances from people like myself push the hits up even further.

staines is a cynical mercantilist who thinks nothing of profiting from the current bloody conflict by coldly and humourlessly backing the aggressor - the irony being that his inability to repress his own extremist feelings will ultimately cause the bread-and-butter of his freeloving-fanbase to desert him. hats off to his idealogical disintegrity. or perhaps, like both established parties, he's sniffed the financial wind and is looking to pick up the race-hate vote? short-termist. fuck, i'm just the prick who requested payment for posting satoiletry amongst the comments. in the light of events, thank god he ignored my proposal with the contempt with which he treats everyone else. please appreciate that i have never gone in for guido-bashing, mainly due to the fact that i was unaware of the true nastiness of his anonymously excremented opinions. a thank you here to tim ireland and others who have fastidiously documented staines' hypocrisy and his zealous crusade to impose liberty on us all. i do not agree with tim ireland's politics nor his antipathy towards the (almost) 'anything goes' rough 'n tumble of the guido fawkes' bar-room-brawl (i have rather enjoyed it), but appreciate that tim is is a decent, sincere and level-headed bloke. unfortunately, the landlord at the guido & fawkes is a stasi-snitch and his blog an ink blob which his blotting-paper will have great difficulty in absorbing.