Wednesday 24 November 2010

if you're happy and you know-it, throw a ballot-box-full-of-bricks through the front-window of conservative/liberal* central office...


the first responses to a government survey of citizen-happiness (organized by the office of notional statistics) are starting to arrive in whitehall...

instead of wasting their energy organizing violent protests, why don't all these middle-class students simply sign a pledge to refuse all work and payment of taxes? although such action, in common with the riots, may well be deemed 'criminal' by the authorities...at least it would be moral...and would certainly command the full attention of mr cameron, mr clegg, and the comfy-club coalition.

*delete according to political preference

Tuesday 23 November 2010

red edit confesses: being in opposition is crap...


...a statement which (when decoded) reads: labour were crap in government.

ed miliband has probably proposed the best political argument for being granted the keys to number 10 downing street since the publication of the coalition's election manifesto.

Sunday 21 November 2010

pope benedict xvi pronounces catholic church to be "still against evil"...


...but will allow his theological subscribers a little more discretion on how they go about doing it.

the pope believes that, for a homosexual man, the use of a condom is a small step towards holy cleanliness, but that, to atone for the controversial act of ceremonial gay-packaging, heterosexuals should get as dirty as humanly possible, especially the african ones - for this, the pope says, is the only way to achieve "a humanization of sexuality".

the pope has absolute faith that his diocese's doctrinal determinations on the yay's and nay's of hiding one's bushel have created far more lives than have ever been lost to aids - but since some of those lives created were lives created with aids, he admits that the mental arithmetic becomes a little bit tricky.

fortunately, the pope's not the first person one would approach either for sex-tips, or for help adding things up.

Friday 19 November 2010

what brand of panties does kate middleton wear...?


...i want to buy my girlfriend a pair in the exact same style for xmas.

Thursday 11 November 2010

old holborn scares the natives


in a recent post, entitled social cleansing, my socially-challenged neighbour, namely old holborn, has attempted to put the wind-up-the-willows of white middle-england by suggesting that a cap on rates of housing benefit will inevitably lead to an exodus of immigrants from inner-london to the shires in search of lower rents. and how wrong could he be? very wrong...the restriction on levels of housing benefit will surely hit-hardest-in-the-pocket those who benefit from the welfare state the most...the long-term unemployed? no, the greedy private landlords who for years-upon-years have been raising their rents above the market-average...because the government has encouraged them to do so. in fact, the housing-market would have crashed yonks ago had it not been for an excessively generous housing benefit system...and now it definitely will implode (if the coalition puts its votes where its manifesto is). can't you just hear those high-geared high-ratio high-mortgaged liberal buy-to-letters just screaming in ideological pain as they realize that they can no longer afford to pay off the huge business-loans which they have procured under the former socialist régime? and what will the immigrants, upon whom this country was built, do when the price of property plummets, eh old holborn? they'll leave their digs, dig into their prudently propagated savings-accounts, and buy up land, bricks, and mortar in every suburb, village and hamlet the length and breadth of the country. just as the rothschilds snapped up buckinghamshire real estate at bargain-basement prices during the 1840s (following a cattle-market crash), so will today's immigrant businessmen follow suit. yes, old holborn, your new neighbour could well turn out to be a nigerian - erecting a hideously-huge-white neo-hollywood-style mansion on a greenfield site near you...happy retirement holborn!

Wednesday 10 November 2010

following the example of cameron's historic re-unification of the anglo-french axis of norsemen...


...british students have been inspired to harmonize riots...à la mode française...in order to demonstrate their opposition to the ending of state-funded state-brainwashing...

university degrees, traditionally awarded according to an individual's level of adherence to politically correct ideology, must now be paid for by the individual...

today's socially conscious pillaging of conservative central headquarters seems to be the inevitable result of a government which has cut public services whilst raising taxation...with a view to pocketing the difference...

very naughty

...although mi5 agents probably provoked the whole débâcle with the devious intention of undermining the students' otherwise peaceful protest...

in a statement on behalf of polite metropolitan society, sir paul stephenson exclaimed: "it's not acceptable. it's an embarrassment for london and for us. cutbacks in student grants could be the death-knell for public hostelries already pushed to the brink by the smoking-ban...and how the blazes am i to buy a pint after paying to put my pig-shit-thick bourgeouis children through the university of disinformation. i'm fucking livid. who's got some squirt?"

questioned on the serious outbreak of violence, sir paul said: "we thought they [the students] were all nice well-mannered middle-class kids who'd never dream of getting into trouble with the police and upsetting their daddies. standards of social-conditioning appear to be at an all-time low in modern british universities. either we must raise the bar and instil some ps and qs into their loutish lexicon...or we must return to a bespoke education system for the elite...and kick out the ruddy riff-raff. i blame the teachers for all this laxity...but most of all i blame the bloody liberals. when's the next rumble lads? what about getting the young farmers to trash the tuc, tit-for-tat like?"