Thursday, 7 May 2009

the recessionary gene: a potty history for the fresh british immigrant

good sir, although your efforts at integration are most admirable, i do not think you guys fully appreciate the tragic history of trials and tribulations which we britons have had to endure whilst settling these blessed isles. we were originally forced to leave africa due to acute climate change, which resulted in severe deforestation and overcrowding, we then travelled thousands of miles, on foot, spent hundreds of thousands of years finding the fucking miserable dump, and, as if all that weren't enough, had to suffer the shame, indignation and acute psychological trauma of our skin turning white, our noses going pointy, our arses deflating, our eyes turning weird and freaky colours, our hair going all funny and straight then bleaching (or in serious cases even going bright bloody red), dropping a cock-size and getting nobbed by romans - all this whilst watching the rain piss down the whole year round. in fact, although we were not aware of this fact at the time, our terrible experiences triggered-off an extremely deep episode of tribal sociopathic psychosis which subsequently induced in us the overwhelming need to become evil murderous thieving raping profiteering cunts - a condition for which our five-century-long participation in the slave-trade, colonization and various acts of worldwide suppression and exploitation acted as a radical, yet progressive form of occupational therapy, which has, i am sorry to say, since been widely discredited. of course, i trust, in the circumstances, that you will understand our awfully embarrassing predicament to the extent that you might find yourself in a position to excuse our awfully bad manners around the globe of late, and i sincerely hope that i may rely on your utmost discretion in this matter. so...thanks for all your marvellous efforts anyway, but we are now investigating alternative healing avenues of a more holistic and practical nature, which go under the general classification of...'work' - take up for these courses of treatment is presently rather slow, but we are receiving some encouraging initial results and anticipate great demand in the coming months. now my only regret (and on this sensitive subject i must here admit to feelings of intense personal guilt) is that, despite inventing the rack, guns, nuclear missiles, and the inflated pigsbladder, we, as a race, never succeeded in concocting a fast and effective skin lightening cream for those unfortunate souls who have elected to follow in our footsteps - and for that unforgivable oversight...i must truly's perfect, hey?...enjoy your stay!