tonight, some startling new socio-scientific soccer analysis by professor pinkwinkel brainstove the third:
having once more witnessed the clockwork implosion of the england world-cup football campaign, i felt it my deep patriotic duty to examine in some detail the biological factors which lie behind our boys' brave defeat in the heat of brazil...
...thus after an intensive spot of research into the genetic make-up of past-and present england squads - which necessitated the exhaustive dna-testing of all our star-players, including a graveyard-shift in order to effect the unauthorized, but wholly unavoidable, exhumation of a few decomposing legends from our glorious past - i have made the utterly astonishing albeit unpolitically correct discovery that our nation's greatest success apparently came in a world footballing competition held back in the grim greyscale year of 1966, when the england team was exclusively drawn from the diminishing pool of white-coloured people resident in the country, whilst conversely that, since the selection of black-coloured people for the england team, we have never again achieved an international result which in any way compares to the aforementioned monochrome triumph...
...in fact, upon making that incontrovertible deduction, i was about to terminate my investigations altogether and submit my findings to the english footballing association, however, following a swift and sudden free-kick in the bollocks by none other than erstwhile england hero, rio firebrand, i decided to look into the matter further, and upon pain of receiving another penalty-kick in the privates, i proceeded to thoroughly assess and carefully calibrate the physical performance of all england-players over the past five decades...
...and guess what? it transpired that they were all jolly good professional sportsmen performing at the top of their game, and that no particular squad, whether multi-culturally blessed or unblessed, was significantly or obviously deficient in the talent department...
...so what elusive x-factor could currently be missing from the mix? could it perhaps be a non-specific contemporary socio-cultural influence, i asked myself with rio looming defensively in the background, his huge persuasive hand firmly gripping my shoulder and a regulation 2800 hertz ref's whistle protruding provocatively from between his lips...?
...but then suddenly, as if bit on the bum by a lightning-fanged liverpool-chopperholic, i had the answer:
yes, i reviewed the revealing televisual footage of our team singing "god save the queen" and found that barely anyone, except for the captain and the goalie bothered mouthing a single word of the awful anthem - because, i concluded, our lads must have absolutely no pride in this godforsaken country, bankrolled as it is by murderous military misadventurism, especially those from ethnically-minorized and other politically disenfranchized communities or classes, who probably feel they hold next-to-no emotional or socio-cultural stake in the nation, save the purely metaphorical and stereotypical one with which they might perhaps, in a purely metaphorical and stereotypical sense, wish to kebab her germanic-rooted majesty, the scottish-sounding prime minister, and other members of her vampiric government before serving the lot up for gazza's eclectic epicurean delectation...
...and quite frankly, a platoonful of battle-hardened squaddies, fresh from the slaughter-fields of afghanistan, bound together by a team-spirit of barmy-eyed beer-swilling patriotism, would have given the game more nationalistic welly and had more chance of grinding-out a bone-breaking win - for, mad cunts as our mainly-white warriors undoubtedly are, they are the only group of guys left in england who still truly harbour that insane passion for the crown and whichever noble nobhead happens to be poncing around beneath it - although there again, of course, playing a team of trained racist killers might possibly not be sending out to the world the sort of diplomatic message which our political leaders might exactly wish...
...therefore, ipso de facto a priori non sequitur in posteriori ad nauseam, in light of our desperate national need for an emotionally-and-socially-gelled england soccer-team with the sporting capability of taking-on then crushing foul-faking foreign footballers, may i, on mr firebrand's able advice, propose to david "the jackdaw" cameron the following common-sense overseas and domestic policy initiatives, which in future might allow our afro-caribbean and other ethnic-minority or socially-dumped-upon sportsmen to feel more part of 'the english team':
- an immediate ban on the senseless bombing of brown people in their own sovereign states - since this manner of international diplomacy can tend to make black people most uneasy, well recognizing as they do that in afro-caribbean countries they will invariably then themselves receive the same treatment in spades
- a prohibition on offering any form of moral, physical or political support to any other national government which proposes or proceeds to bomb brown, black or poor people in their own sovereign states - such as permitting the use of uk-based airfields and uk intelligence in the execution of these aforementioned offensive actions
- the severest official condemnation of other national governments which propose or proceed to bomb brown, black or poor people in their own sovereign states and the refusal to permit such offensive countries the license to station military personnel and equipment on uk territory
- the automatic prosecution of government ministers, such as mr andrew mitchell, who illegally seek to assist in the armament of other nations with a view to precipitating war between foreign states for commercial and political gain
- the prohibition of illegal detention and torture and the severest official condemnation of other national governments which permit illegal detention and torture
- official recognition, by the uk government and authorities, of the reality that a black person being beaten to death, suffocated or otherwise murdered by uk police or mental-health professionals in a uk police-station or mental-health facility may not ultimately regard al qaeda, the ruskies, or isis as representing the greatest potential threat to his, or her, personal safety
prof pw bs iii
