Wednesday, 2 September 2015

shirty corby's minging manifesto: the unexpurgated version



"what we most urgently need in this country is a fairer society, in fact it must be completely recalibrated in order to ensure that privilege and elitism are wiped-out forever...

and the most simple, effective way in which we can achieve this noble aim...is obviously to eradicate all government and public-sector corruption, at its root, here in the seat of power, and where-so-ever it flourishes on these criminality-ridden islands, in the offices of local, regional and national power...

but you know...i'm getting a bit long-in-the-tooth for all this revolution lark...and tearing down the current, decadent establishment of barbaric, self-interested exploitation - of which, as a prehistoric parliamentary fossil, i am a fully paid-off member - and then entirely reconstructing it, such that everyone, regardless of colour, creed or social class can happily co-exist on level terms, sounds to me like rather a big job, and, at the end-of-the-day, a bloody great shit-load of hard work...

so what i actually propose to do is ermmm...let all those stinky-rich buggers buy me off with a few extra pennies-in-the-pound on income-tax, as a soft form of liberal punishment, you see...and then let them carry on harvesting the system, and the hard labour of the general population, much in the middle-class manner to which they have always been accustomed...

after that, i'm going to drop 'round to my mate eddie's, the dodgiest fucking printer in the whole of london, now trading as smudgitup's, and we're gonna run off a couple of trillion quid's worth of brand-new tenners...ok, so we'll probably start to trip-out just looking at the psychedelic double-fuzzy reverb-effect on jane austen's ghost-image mug-shot...but hey, look on the bright side, we could put the drug-gangs permanently out of business, and even encourage people to save their bank-notes for a rainy day...

then we're gonna add this pile of people's quantitative easing to the extra cash from tax-receipts and stash the lot in my bedroom, basically someplace where the missus can't get her sweaty little mexican mitts on it - because there's no way i can risk her buying up futures on the commodity exchange, we're knee-deep in bloody coffee-beans already...

of course, i do not intend to keep all this dosh for myself, oh nono, i sincerely plan to redistribute the funds, señora corbyn permitting, straight to my gangster friends in local government, who, after pocketing half the proceeds in personal commission fees, will then redistribute said funds to cowboy public-sector contractors in return for thousands of phantom sleeping-policemen, politically-correct traffic-lights where no fucking bugger wants them, and a diversity of other silly street-furniture-shifting sodding shite...

(oh yeah, whats good for the greedy city-banker is good for the bent town-hall grafter...)

furthermore, i trust that local council stasi-officers will also leave sufficient resources available to mount highly vicious campaigns of political intimidation and harassment against any non-socialist residents and other non-aligned, non-voting blogger-types, who will clearly be required to undergo extensive social re-education courses and be subject to continuous, 24-hour internal-external-in-the-bed-in-the-bog-style deep-'n-intimate surveillance programmes, whereby all forms of communication, whether digital, telephonic, written, oral, or physical, will be monitored and archived at all times...because yes, you guessed it, in my little red book, there are only two kinds of people in this world: those who vote for me, and those who don't - you're either a socialist or an extremist, or non communistarum, ergo barbarus as we used to say in classics lessons.  ha yes, i knew my grammar school education would come in handy one day...

(no, in reality, i hated grammar school, terrible place it woz...and as a result of my bitter experience, i am now violently and ideologically opposed to the entire grammar school education system - ruined my life it did - however, brother piers has a wacky alternative theory and reckons i just hated school coz i woz so fuckin' dense...)

anyway, getting back to the point, my motto is: why prevent the rich corruptly and criminally redistributing money to themselves via abuse of democratic power and privilege (and thus practically eliminate poverty from society), when you can always re-redistribute their vast ill-gotten booty into a titanic welfare-state of poverty-prolonging dependency, destroy the moral fabric of society from within, and hand comrades a fair opportunity to fiddle tax-payers' money back through fraudulent benefit claims...?

revolution?  can't be arsed, mate - but as a purely cosmetic communistic exercize, we're gonna rock rugby, give harrow the old heave-ho, and concrete over eton to make way for a nice, new, modern comp.

nationalization?  yes, one of the great socialist success-stories of the seventies...

...which our more youthful members of society may not perhaps fully appreciate...

...well, you see, in the case of the railways, we have a wide spectrum of service amongst the various franchise-companies - ranging from top-class to utter-shite.  now, take the worst train-line you have ever had the misfortune upon which to travel...and imagine that the company running this line has been put in charge of the entire rail-network...and you will soon get a pretty clear picture of how our rail-system will fare under the people's locomotion operative, or plop - as i intend to rename it...

...because what i know is this: young men and women are flocking from the world over to live and work in london and the uk, many of them young socialists...and what they all want, more than anything else, is not the seamless, air-conditioned service of safe, modern public-transport, but to get a genuine flavour of grim, strike-bound eighties-britain, back in its horrid, hazy hey-day...and so what better entrée could we serve these guys up than the good-old-fashioned, authentic 'british rail experience'?  hitler made the trains run-on-time - and i say making the trains run-on-time is anti-semitic, so there...

...and this in turn reminds me of my brand-new, butt-kicking campaign slogan:

"yes, we're getting there..."

...which i'd somehow forgotten.

next, i must mention the united states of america - where the white administration still regards black people as runaway slaves...

...but hey, what d'you expect from a country founded on slavery?  of course, britain wasn't founded on slavery - well, not completely anyway - it just founded the north atlantic slave-trade, and then profited from it quite-a-bloody-lot, just like these mercenary people-smugglers today, who keep the european and uk's cheap-labour-market topped-up with eager freedom-seeking immigrants - without papers and without rights - whilst leaving a cruel percentage of their desperate, starving customers to die in the back of freezing juggernauts, and in the bottom of leaky, unseaworthy rust-bucket-boats.

our uk government dropped the bombs in africa and the middle-east which triggered this tsunami of humanity, our ukgovernment has pursued the protectionist economic policies which have impoverished the entire continent of africa, and our uk government's intelligence services have assisted with the cia's civil-war-start-up-programme in somalia, syria, libya, ukraine, and even, via corrupt political interference, in nigeria, where violent-rebellion has been cynically stirred-up by the violent, repressive, british-and-american-backed rulers of that nation, for whom a cunningly manufactured war against terror attracts huge dollar-funding from the white house administration: now we must begin to look after the war-victims which form the major part of the bush-blair-obama-cameron legacy.

inhumane british and european union immigration legislation is forcing the desperate to drown themselves in our seas - how about abolishing it in order to allow migrants and refugees, whether economic or political, to board proper, safe, sanitary ferries, just like we elitist europeans do?

oh...and maybe the mandatory construction of an asylum-seeker-new-town, on chipping norton, might concentrate our esteemed conservative friends' minds on the main matter-at-hand...?

now, naturally, i'm fairly worried about being terminated by the cia before the labour-leadership ballot-results are returned on 12th september, 2015...

...and when under threat of assassination by the cia, who better to arrange my personal security and act as minders than the cia's very best buddies themselves: marty and gerry, the bother-boys from belfast?

do i like vladimir putin?  no, he hasn't got a beard...

...oooooooh, but being a big, furry, russian bear, he does have a rather nice hairy chest...

oooh dear, tricky one...

bushy beard?  hairy chest?

bushy beard?  hairy chest?

bushy beard?  hairy chest?

cia?  kgb?

western imperialism?  eastern-bloc communism?

bushy beard?  hairy chest?

bushy beard?  hairy chest?

oh shit, i feel a splitting headache coming on...

ermmm...crikey, i've had a fucking major brain-wave...

wool...

yes, wool: the answer to all our economic problems...fairer than slavery, safer than coal...yep, we can all go back to trading in wool - it's ecologically sustainable, organic, no-one gets harmed, everybody's happy, except baa-baa, when he get fleeced, of course...and guess what?  i know a few sheep up in the cotswolds who need a damn good fucking shearing...

ok, so we're gonna nationalize every farmstead in the country, set up sheep-processing communes, and make knitting a core-subject in the new school-curriculum...along with benefit studies, advanced shepherding...and pure-and-and-applied sheep-counting.

errr...so...right....what this country needs is to get back to basics - the proletariat must seize the means of production...coz the unions ain't got 'em, that's for sure; yay, for too long our natural, indigenous, british brand of socialism has been infected by conservative capitalist greed...our own dear labour party has been sorely subverted by elitist bougeois infiltrators, who have woven such a wicked and insidious web of organized corruption that the views of the actual grass-zoot membership are currently no longer represented, or regarded, in parliament, in any recognizable manner...

...even our own so-called red ken has shamefully succumbed to temptation and been infected by evil blue-thoughts...and i ask you this: how can i associate with a man who oversaw the establishment of a public-private transport-partnership, which has, bendy-bloody-buses aside, successfully managed the running of a half-decent, and reasonably efficient, london bus-service...?

...and i herewith promise the people of britain that, upon ascending to high office, i will duly and summarily banish the refusnik formerly known as 'red' ken from the entire administrative area bounded by the m25 motorway...and exile him to the distant, deep-blue-rinsed constituency of eastbourne, where he will make atonement for his irredeemable sins against socialism by helping old tory biddies across the street for the duration of eternity.  amen.

frankly, god-only-knows with whom ken's been associating lately in the capitalist-piggy-bank sector...?

my policy on terrorism?  well, first i'm gonna make tony blair a peer and invite every international anti-state terrorist and insurgent, from the whole planet, along with each and every one of our own, six-hundred or so, duly and democratically-elected terrorists of state - plus, of course, the undemocratically-appointed, fur-trimmed lord-and-lady-terrorists of the realm - into the houses of parliament for a coffee-morning-cum-conference-thingy...

...and then, because i'm not really one for confrontation or anythink...i'm gonna leggit straight to a traditional london hostelry situated at a suitably safe distance from westminster, where i will take indefinite refuge under a pub-table and stick my fingers firmly in my ears - this course of direct action should, i am advised, cure a multitude of multi-national political evils and save on exhorbitant proposed parliamentary refurbishment plans...

of course, i should, by rights, be advocating the immediate prosecution, discombobulation and permanent political excommunication of tony blair inc for crimes against humanity...

...but he's labour...he's one of us, init...?

...finally then, the part of my 7-year-growth-plan for which you have all been waiting, with anxious brows and bated breath:

t'raaah...the announcement of my first people's cabinet...more commonly known as the wild bunch...


foreign office:

as already indicated, i am not particularly a man for confrontation - so i will be sending georgie bawlaway, armed with his double-barrelled gob, on all overseas missions requiring a modicum of diplomacy or tact.


immigration:

as minister of this vital government service, i will be appointing great-aunty bessie's cocker spaniel, rover, to guard the white cliffs over dover - in fact, he alone will replace the entire immigration department.  good boy.


the exchequer:

mrs corbyn will be counting the beans...either that, or i'll be losing my nuts...


home office:

although dame diana double-dollop expressed a sincere wish to be in charge of agriculture, food and fisheries, i was of the confirmed opinion that this post would not stretch her, and that our veteran restaurant-inspector should, conversely, head-up tings at the home office; moreover, i understand from extensive briefings down at the three square meals public house, stoke newington church street, that dame diana will be drafting in a small private army of highly-trained sistas from the combat collective, who apparently insist on policing both the capital, and country, for free - indeed, as an integral component of their 'babylon-off-the-beat' franchise, the afro-caribbean anti-crime-consortium concerned promise to deliver complementary riot-squad-protection for cherished national piss-ups including wimbledon, royal ascot, the proms, the boat race, henley regatta, and cricket at lords.


overseas-aid:

in light of his deeply principled stance against foreign military intervention, plus a share of the popular vote which deserves at least some limited representation in parliament, i shall be appointing mr nigel frograge as a junior secretary in the overseas-aid department, which, as luck would have it, will command the largest budget of any in whitehall; mr frograge's job will consist in giving away every last single penny available from the treasury to those funny-coloured people abroad - upon pain, that is, of severe corrective measures being summarily administered by his über-strict, disciplinarian boss, the ever watchful leanne "whiplash" wood.


environment:

fuck-off piers - no, you cannot be a weatherman, you caused global-fucking-warming, you meddling four-eyed cunt.


tax and welfare

as i hinted earlier, the need for taxes and welfare could be wholly negated, and the respective executive departments totally dismantled, if we could only sum up the political courage to eliminate the endemic corruption from within government, which in turn breeds privilege and elitism for the wealthy, but poverty and ill-health for the static social underclass...

...but to-be-honest, i just can't be fussed...and anyhow, i need to create jobs for the boys in the unions.


defence

last-but-not-least, to conclude the frontbench line-up, we will have nicki, shungun of shotland, tossing the icbm...

...and since, merely to conjure this frightful, chilling image should ensure that mr putin, the chinese army, the american military, and even the most diabolical, battle-toughened, and brutally-obsessed terrorist will not dare to venture within five-hundred fucking miles of our serene and idyllic isles...

...i see no further point whatever in maintaining either armed forces or a ministry of defence.


                                     *    *    *


haha...so the irish republicans, gerry and marty, have switched their support over to me - this means the cia have at last dumped brand-damaged blair and the power of the national grid will now be all mine, all mine, i say...

mine, mine, mine, mine, mine...

one doughnut to rule them all, one doughnut to find them,
one doughnut to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

aaah...my progress, my progress..."


sc


Tuesday, 25 August 2015

clipped words



presented to you here below is the rudely deleted comment which i posted late last night on david hirsh's jerusalem post article: if corbyn wins.  my response to his piece on our mangy moth-eaten messiah was clearly way too morally sophisticated for goldsmiths college's david hirsh and the jerusalem post to handle - well, either that, or israelis can't take the criticism they dish out, and therefore refuse, or fear, to engage in proper debate.

david hirsh's attack on dirty corby was, to my mind, intellectually slack, politically sloppy, journalistically lazy, and definitely not up to scratch compared with the sheer academic standards which we have traditionally come to expect from our highly talented jewish friends, but there again, i suppose what do you expect from a jumped-up souf-london sociologist?  i think 'conceit', 'arrogance' and 'complacency' are the key words here - obviously these israeli guys don't want to compete on a level playing-field and are fucking bad losers.

"i certainly agree that mr corbyn, in common with many on the far left of british politics, appears to have far too cozy a relationship with islamists and former members of the irish republican army, but in his defence, his stated policy is one of inclusivity, dialogue, and the promotion of peace - the exact opposite of that which the american, israeli, french, and british governments have historically espoused. 
anyway, why should, for example, jeremy corbyn take up the case of israeli lobby groups, when their views are already well represented in the british parliament by so many fanatically pro-israeli members?  and why should he not commend press tv and russia today for criticizing the british and american governments, when the british broadcasting corporation and other mainstream western media outlets have time-and-again proved themselves to be intellectually and morally incapable of providing such analytical depth, let alone any semblance of objectivity?
many british citizens are sick-to-the-back-teeth of war, as dictated by our aggressive western foreign policy of military intervention, and they sincerely hope that mr corbyn possesses the requisite diplomatic skills and experience to resolve many of the issues which lead to these devastating and wickedly destabilizing conflicts in today's world - do israelis truly share these same hopes for peace?
so please, what is the distinction between criticism of israel and anti-semitism, when serious criticism of israel inevitably seems to precipitate the deliberately discussion-distracting charge of anti-semitism?
i lived for some time amongst the hasidic jewish community located in stamford hill, london, which, as i understand, strongly opposes the actions of the state of israel, and even the very foundation of the state of israel, on ideological grounds - does this therefore constitute anti-semitism on their part?  the hasidic jewish community of which i speak lives in harmony with its palestinian neighbours, and sometime in the early 1990s - check in the hackney gazette, if you please - i even remember the spiritual leaders of this tranquil hasidic community joining with local palestinians to perform a ceremonial burning of the israeli state-flag in protest over israeli repression - was that an act of anti-semitism by the rabbi in question?  i also believe that members of the hasidic jewish community are politically anti-zionist - is this to be considered anti-semitic?
appallingly, i now hear that this peace-loving jewish community has become the target of ignorant, brutish, neo-nazi thugs.
i agree that organized boycotts of israel are wrong, just as the socially-damaging economic sanctions against iran and iraq were wrong - it is estimated, by some observers, that millions may have died as a consequence of the western sanctions against the iraqis, many of them children; sanctions are not only socially and physically devastating, they are immoral, because they have fatal effects on an innocent civilian population which may already be experiencing severe oppression; sanctions can also have disastrous political repercussions, and tend to assist the rise to power of tyrannical régimes such as the islamic state - in fact, i'm sure you must be aware that allied sanctions against germany following the first world war directly fostered the public discontent which catapulted to power adolf hitler and the nazi party.
truly, i am surprised that jeremy corbyn backs boycotts as policy - boycotts did nothing to end apartheid in south africa, and moreover, the nineteenth-century equivalent of sanctions against ireland, the corn laws, a protectionist trade policy promoted by benjamin disraeli, for one, helped turn a potato famine into what eventually became the de facto irish holocaust.
however, mr hirsh, in respect of the current crisis in iraq, i frankly find it churlish that you seek to justify a string of fundamentally immoral, neo-colonial wars by selectively referencing the rôle played by the royal air force and the american air force in saving yazidis from the islamic state, when you perfectly well know that the primary objective of these western forces was, and is, to protect western oil interests - in fact, i judge your comments to be especially obtuse in light of the fact that the islamic state, essentially armed by the west to fight assad's government, has arisen from the ashes of an illegal, immoral, and completely misjudged western war in iraq, which has itself precipitated the genocide of millions of arabs...
...and given that these wars have constituted a gross act of criminality, is it extremist for a muslim man to wish to defend his lands against insurgent british forces?  were british forces to invade israel, would it be extremist for israelis to resist militarily?  furthermore, what meaning has the word 'extremist' in the context of a repressive western polity, where merely to criticize our western-initiated wars automatically results in one being labelled an 'extremist' by those propagandists such as formed mr blair's government?  has not the term 'extremist' now been completely devalued by widespread casual, flippant and unexamined use?
i agree that mr corbyn's left-wing supporters may possibly be tempted by totalitarianism, and i fully intend to take this matter up with him on a personal level - but are not all politicians, power-seekers, and governments, worldwide, tempted by totalitarianism?  do not many regard israel and the united states themselves as totalitarian states?
as a non-aligned blogger engaged in the promotion of non-violence, who has been put under permanent 24-hour surveillance by the new labour and successive governments, simply for voicing strong opposition to the iraq war and american foreign policy, am i not entitled to view the british government as totalitarian?  for daring to express my views, i have been intimidated and physically threatened by violent labour activists in hackney, london, and have suffered a prolonged and personal hate campaign, which was initially mounted against me, in secret, by local officials with links to the new labour government - am i not then entitled to regard mr blair and the new labour government as totalitarian?  words are cheap, but lives are not - in a civilized society, at least.
therefore, whilst i concur with much of your criticism of mr corbyn, i am convinced that israel has many serious charges to answer as well - the zionism instrinsic to israeli society and politics has doubtless created a superiority complex amongst its jewish citizens, infecting the wider jewish diaspora also, which encourages many jewish people to falsely judge other cultures and ethnicities as distinctly inferior to their own, not least societies of african-origin, whose members are routinely regarded by a preponderance of jewish people as really little better than sub-human, and indeed, it is this conceited attitude of jewish racial and moral superiority which has gravely infected the politics of the middle-east to the point of almost utterly destabilizing that region.
another serious charge which israel must face - along, it has to be said, with america, france and britain - is the genocidal exploitation of the african continent; so long as israel refuses to act against and prosecute the american-israeli businessmen who have criminally facilitated, in league with the cia, the plundering, for astronomical profit, of militarily and commercially valuable mineral resources from that continent, most notably in congo - where a bare minimum of 5 million people were massacred during the course of the clinton inspired coups and resultant wars - black people, all around the globe, will never be able to trust israel, nor jewish people in general.
if you wish to frame my criticism of israel as conspiracy theory or anti-semitism, please be my guest, but to deny the truth concerning the cultivation of this multi-national, multi-cultural evil, in which israel and jewish people have undoubtedly played their fair share, is tantamount to condemning humanity to oblivion.
yes, many british people wish to see mr corbyn elected as leader of the labour party and opposition, and maybe even progress to fill the post of prime-minister of the united kingdom - and they do so because, for the first time in british history, they see a real possibility that a british government, of whichever political hue, could actually formulate a foreign policy which signally fails to treat black and brown people as fair-trade farm-animals and convenient commercial cannon-fodder...
...now why would israelis or jewish people want to object to that, my son?"

breaking-news-update:

i am sorry to report that one of our most experienced, respected and revered commenters, namely lady laaardidah of lordship road, has been brutally banned from expressing herself on the jerusalem post website. iz it coz she iz black? or iz it coz the jewish race consider themselves to be above comparison with rastafarians? shame really - because, having done much business with jewish entrepreneurs in the past, i was always under the confirmed impression that jewish guys loved a good laugh about their religion...and since, on the grounds of their deeply and strictly observed faith, the two communities here in question, rastafarian and hasidic, both abstain from eating pork, both wear their hair in dreadlocks, both subscribe to the custom of wearing hats, and both get a bit narked about the state of israel, i cannot for-the-life-of-me understand why such obvious comparison should pose a problem?

anyhow, once again, i will re-publish the offending comment here below, which was made, in all innocence, in response to the above-mentioned one of my own, and allow readers the opportunity, for themselves, to decide upon whether the bounds of good taste and decency have been wantonly breached by our highly esteemed, if occasionally verbally-accident-prone, legislative representative - needless to say, lady laaardidah is, at this very difficult time, totally and utterly inconsolable, suspecting as she does that this extreme course of exclusive action constitutes a prima facie case of the most vile and cynical discrimination.

"hi davy, darling...love your gig bro...
ya, those hasidic guys...
they're like errr...the jewish rastas, aren't they?
you know...sort of mystic religious anti-establishment-rebel types, ok ya...?
oh and errr...i see you caught the drift of my latest expression...
ya, there's a new wind blowing through british politics...
and to be honest hunny, most of it's coming straight outta my arse."

well, i can't actually see the problem myself, can you?


Wednesday, 13 May 2015

hey chaps...was it cricket...or chequers?



the winner of our general-election sweepstake is mr votes and values cast down the disused mineshaft, who, at precisely 8.04pm on 28th october 2014, correctly predicted that nigel façade's uslip party would terminally damage the prospects of a labour victory at the may 7th polls, leaving the conservatives largely unscathed in comparison...

...and lo it came to pass that the crafty conservatives were seamlessly shoed-in by devious default...

...so congratulations to our hot-shot forecaster of fascism, who duly wins the chance-of-a-lifetime opportunity to watch his tender aspirations for freedom legally phased-out, law-by-liberty-leaching-law, in a fundamentally dysfunctional democracy, where repression rules ok.

howzat?


Wednesday, 22 April 2015

write to rant: general ejection special



today, spark up! is offering the write-to-rant to the man set on a collision course to become the next prime-minister of the united kingdom - the irredeemable el gin efraga:

"of course, back in the good old days of empire - when we as a nation were in the habit of overtly plundering the riches of all those other less developed countries around the globe, murdering and violating their men, women and children, and seizing their best farmlands to build vast immigration centres specifically designed to house deranged british toffs suffering from a serious sunshine deficiency - we were not nearly so popular as we are today, and foreigners did not especially wish to come here to live in the uk... 
...oh yes, in the era before world-war-two, immigration control was barely an issue for our government, and in any case, at that period, we as responsible indigenous citizens, were automatically in receipt of the devolved powers necessary to manage the integration of foreign faces into our communities on a street-by-street basis, and so with a little local help, those that didn't 'fit in', so-to-speak, soon seemed to find their way home, or moved along elsewhere... 
...however then, quite frankly, i believe we british became a victim of our own socializing success - because you see, after the catastrophe of the 1939-45 world-war, some bright spark, with a misplaced sense of racial guilt, decided to open-up a free national hospital, free to anyone in the whole wide world who fancied visiting to make use of its free health services, and before you could say "excuse me, matron", peoples of every culture, colour and creed were flocking into britain, from every imaginable corner of the earth, to live in the vicinity of our renowned medical institution, and this is why we face the terrible overcrowding we do today, where royals are forced by austerity to share palaces and castles, sometimes, and even have to spend more time with common bourgeois in-laws, in order to give each other space... 
...and now what's worse, is that for some unknown reason, things are getting rather hot 'n sticky, socially and politically, for our british ex-pat folks abroad - can't think why really...? just like i can't think why half the under-developed world wants to travel thousands of miles, across strange continents and oceans, risking life-and-limb simply to make an appointment at the accident and emergency department of our super-duper hospital...? but anyhow, the point is that we haven't actually got enough spare space to accommodate all our own people now fleeing persecution from other cultures in other parts...
...so obviously what we need is a lasting solution, and that's why i say: let's just stop fannying around, and bulldoze the national health service once and for all - it'll cure a multitude of ills - and afterwards we can politely ask all non-british persons to kindly bugger-off someplace to make room for the re-migration of true-brits, whose families have, through no fault of their own, been residing outside the country for a century or so... 
simple really, if you think about it...? 
...and what's the good of a free hospital, anyhow - without the key support of low-paid immigrants to staff it and to pay-in national insurance contributions for the upkeep...?"

Monday, 19 January 2015

fry the french flag for freedom of expression...



...but mind you observe all relevant european union health-and-safety regulations first.

yessir...if, as this article suggests, president hollande is seriously calling for the punishment of those who burn the french-flag, then the double-standard of his pretension to support free-expression is now flapping pathetically around in the wind above le palais de l'élysée, like a badly-soiled pair of his best french-knickers - and not least as a result of blow-back from his hypocritical, inquisitional purge of anti-jewish satirists, who can now find themselves hauled into court for merely blowing a raspberry in the wrong political direction.

so what is this offended little french prick going to do about the tricolour-trashers in niger?  send in the troops to teach them a lesson?  one would hope that's a conspiracy-theory too far...

...but nevertheless, this is not just fancy fascist talk from the precious parisian pillock, because under french law:
'outraging the french national anthem or the french flag during an event organized or regulated by public authorities is liable for a fine of €7,500 - and six months' imprisonment if performed in a gathering'
in fact, wikipedia goes on to explain:
'a july 2010 law makes it a crime to desecrate the french national flag in a public place, but also to distribute images of a flag desecration, even when done in a private setting'
now, as regular readers of these hallowed pages may have remarked, all forms of imagery are strictly prohibited here, except of course for the officially approved portrait of the profrite spark up! - as viewed in the left hand margin...

...however, vis-à-vis l'égalité...a couple of conscious cartoon ideas have cropped-up which i feel the urgent need to share:
  • a picture of a french newsagent's which shows a pile of charlie hebdo copies for sale on one side, and a heap of handy french-flag-packs, with accelerant and matches included, on the other
  • a drawing of first french political slag of the republic, actress julie gayet, with the tricolour stuffed up her poop-hole in the form of a free french suppository
that's right folks, only in france are you legally permitted to insult the arabs, the prophet, together with every follower of islam, or even depict a naked muslim woman being anally-assaulted by her own niqab...

...yet absolutely forbidden, upon pain of instant criminal prosecution, to depict the fucking fascist fanny-hole of a french-flag being 'desecrated'.

ooh là là...bit of a touchy old tart, françois "le fanatique" hollande - especially where it concerns the slightest disrespect for his silly sad shit-hole of a hypocritical republic...

alors...

vive la fraternité...

vive l'égalité...

vive la liberté (d'expression)...


Wednesday, 14 January 2015

charlie is bigger than christ



charlie died for france's sins.

charlie died to save frog-kind.

...and when on the seventh day the latest edition appears, charlie will descend again into les poubelles parisiennes, or be recycled into convenient arsed-sized squares for public analyzation by the l'académie française, never more to be re-read...

...yet in one foul scoop, a new world religion will have been born - by satirical caesarean section - which superficially supersedes all pre-existing judaeo-christian faiths...

yeah, i suppose that, having spent the past few decades shitting merrily away upon the holy bible, the imperial commune of secular france desperately needs some kinda sacred book for its high-president to wave in the face of islam's rising popularity, some kinda scriptural revelation for its socio-racial elite to rally around, and err...a seedy old porno rag with dodgy scatological drawings, and a decidedly dubious editorial direction, will just have to do...

...so incredibly, we now have one established religion which demands that their prophet never be insulted, neatly juxtaposed against another - politically manufactured - quasi-religion which insists, contrarily, that this same prophet must be insulted on a regular and compulsory weekly basis...

my god, you just couldn't make it up...

for verily, as our own dear dave, damp druid of westminster, has most probably already spouted unto the braying democratic masses of britland:
"freedom of speech is an integral component of a civilized society...as is bombing the fuck out of civilian populations in the middle-east and africa on the slightest political pretext...not-to-mention routinely and hideously repressing the ethnic and religious minorities who find themselves, through no fault of their own, residing within our own borders..."
unfortunately, of course, we in the wicked old west do not live in a civilized society, and this starkly simple fact explains why, every single bloody morning, ordinary joe bloggers arise by the thousand, from their lowly and plebeian pits, to viciously denigrate prominent members of our western democratic hegemony in the most obscene manner possible, and why, conversely, pseudo-revolutionary tools, organs, professional provocateurs and political propagandists of our intrinsically racist establishment - such as charlie hebdo itself - are financially incentivized to further the state's sly agenda of insulting, wholesale, certain systematically subjugated, socially dehumanized, ethnic and religious minorities, solely in order to provoke the most radical and oppressed amongst their number into that irrational violent retribution which is commonly fostered by the intolerable intensity of cultural hopelessness.

paradoxically, if we were indeed members of a civilized society, we would, as integrally satisfied citizens inhabiting a trusted framework of justice, never even feel the necessity to insult either the politically powerful, or the powerless, in our communities, and if we did so, it would surely constitute an utterly meaningless act of folly, and be brushed-off abruptly and indifferently into the all-consuming abyss of human absurdity...

...but due to fatal lack of french imagination, any such democratic idealism is defunct as a fart in the fragrance-hall of fascism, and the progressive moral republic is clearly not even a day-dreamed aspiration colouring the consciousness of those who control the sweet perfumed land of liberty, fraternity, equality and vulgarity - where the vile blood-sport of immigrant-race-baiting is king, coyly veiled by the insincere mask of fanatical communal secularism, through which the butchering french bourgeoisie will never in a thousand years recognize their own fundamental barbarity.

muslim extremism shames french sensibilities as a stubborn self-inflicted symptom of the lingering colonial hangover, a miniature mirror-image of france's existentially evil imperialist character - and therein lies the reason for macho-mag-man hollande, the self-hating sado-masochistic emperor of angst, smashing it into a million persecuted pieces in a futile hypocritical gesture of self-destructive state-suicide.

charlie hebdo held aloft as a proud example of french culture?  monsieur hollande wouldn't know art if it jumped-up and bit him on his fucking fat french bum.  for shit's sake, the cunt's obviously snorted way too much 'charlie'...


Wednesday, 10 December 2014

write to rant



tonight, spark up! is offering the write to rant to renowned, revered and racially retarded thespian, dame janita jaykloff:

right, it seems i've been maliciously misquoted and i'd like to clear-up this bloody awful mess without any further ado - so here is my final statement on the matter:
  • i am not, i repeat not, attempting to whitewash black history
  • wanky white bourgeois liberal theatre which totally fails to register fuck-all interest in the wider afro-caribbean community is not, apparently, a part of black culture
  • never-fuckin-ending white guilt is not a part of black culture
  • white racism is not a part of black culture (i don't think)
  • racism is a white invention - so there
is everybody happy now? good, i'm orff to drown my sorrows in a bucket of pink champagne with bob belldoff at a hideously white notting-hill wine-bar.  now, piss-orff the lorrt of you.

thank you for your intellectually considered contribution, dame janita.


Saturday, 8 November 2014

trouble at tower



a poppy-blood waterfall pouring from the punctured establishment's most feared symbol of repression - to replenish its moat...

...is this an advert for fascism, or an exposure of it?

that is the question...

...to see or not to see?


Wednesday, 24 September 2014

big-oil buys-off bad-egg



well, surprise, surprise...following in the smoking hell-bound footsteps of his brother dave bloodtax and his former boss, bonking-mad blair, the butcher of baghdad - and buckinghamshire - ed miliband is about to sell-out, not only the leftwing of the labour party which trustingly raised him to his parliamentary perch, but also millions-upon-millions of sensible, mature, rational britons who, unindoctrinated by rolling 24-hour bbc weapons-ads, explicitly oppose the united kingdom's participation in the never-ending american wars of economic exploitation which continue to wreck civilization in the middle-east.

in seeking election to the top-rung of british politics, mr red edit, cia fast-track recruit extraordinaire, has clearly chosen to chase the islamo-paranoic-race-hate-n-wog-bombing-vote rather than re-galvanize the respect he successfully garnered last year, from socialists, liberals and conservatives across-the-board, when, completely sans-autocue, he nervously stood-up to dave cannonrod and president obombaklaart himself, and like a cutely blinking little lighthouse in the deep obsidian of the cia news-blackout, dutifully warned the captains of mercantile insanity from the razor-sharp rocks of sanctimonious self-serving neo-cuntist colonialism.

power, greed and irrepressible israeli influences have predictably turned miliband's 'ed, with the result that in the shifting desert sand between the cruelly conjoined shambles of syria and iraq, he has drawn a spurious legal line every bit as divisive, immoral and expedient as the scar originally gouged-out by the scimitar of slasher-sykes and simultaneously stitched-up with picot's poison-tipped needle, during the colonial era of socially-sanctioned fascism one hundred years ago.

so it appears, instead of looking to his good grassroots friends for a hand in clambering out of the electoral hole he has carved himself - with a little help from an embarrassingly fluffed conference speech - ed, on the contrary, has decided to bite their experienced green-fingers and rather rashly reach for the dow chemical company pesticide.

of course, improvizing funkily on the bright-side of death, ed can now precipitate the busting of an artificially-inflated london housing-market bubble - by enlisting the eager assistance of a battalion of short-fused suicide-bombers, who, along with many law-abiding muslims in the british electorate, may well now be enticed to vote tactically...

...and finally, having turned the capital into a vicious war-zone, which will conveniently bring his primrose hill mansion safely below the two-million-quid tax-threshold, ed millstone will then find himself in a prime position to achieve a famous double-whammy...

...when he fatally deters the influx of would-be immigrants, formerly attracted to the prospect of a peaceful and prosperous britain.

 

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

dairy-boy dave does downing street



committed as ever to keeping you fully abreast of all the latest developments in the westminster paddock, spark up! strives at all times, through the good orifices of our dedicated team of agricultural correspondents, to keep its fictional finger on the pulsing penis of british politics - a prominent member otherwise known as the prime minister...

...and today, via a live conservative cattle-feed, we bring you instant updates of the milky-bar stud's snapshot five-finger government shuffle, as he sets about milking britain dry:

  • wild willy hague is put out to pasture pending release of nhs funds by jeremy blunt-scalpel for emergency gender-appropriate implant procedures - internal sources report that in influential establishment circles the former foreign secretary was deemed to be neither milkman nor milkmaid and, having failed adequately to demonstrate his status as a real man or real woman, ultimately fell between two toxic tory toadstools, namely michael fulloan and phillip harmonger
  • esthetick mcvieh is invited to sit in cabinet to make-up employment numbers, make-over the corpse of the conservative party, and make-out she gives a flying flipsided-fuck about the plight of hard-working women in the uk who do not belong to her cosmeticized class of all the corruptions - in fact, interviewed as one of the budding new cia-vetted implants in the hairy old hierarchical herd, she provided the following revealing insights into farm-boss, dairy dave dachshund's 'milk-round' selection process:
    "oh ya, the induction was all rather short-and-sweet, really...dave likes to do it all the old-fashioned way...by hand, you know...it was basically a complex political aptitude test which consisted in him asking me, quite charmingly actually, whether i was a woman...a question which i'm pleased to declare i answered correctly, in the affirmative, of course...then he simply said, 'well get your tits out and you're in darling', and having duly confirmed my qualifications, that was just about that i think...except for the ceremonial appointment to cabinet...which he hastily completed by getting some sort of silly little pink organic cattle-prod out from beneath his desk, where i suppose he'd been hiding the thing away, cheeky boy...and then tapping me lightly on the tip of each tonsil with it, prior to serving me a celebratory vanilla milkshake, in the goblet...ohhh how super it all was, what a great victory for women's rights this has been, what a great day for the conservative party...i'm simply over the moon...and by-the-way, i have to mention this...the pm's so understanding about women's issues too...you see, by the end of the interview, i'd become so nervous i left a big sloppy-wet turd-cake all over the sofa...but d'you know what?  to his eternal credit, the guy didn't even blink...he just looked-over and re-instated it as health secretary...what a leader"
  • michael "marigold" glove, having made a dog's dinner of national schooling, is to be fed to state pupils in the form of reconstituted porkmeat as part of a drive to teach under-informed british youngsters about the golden-days of 1950s education
  • ken "hush-up" clarke-to-the-secret-torture-court, despite boasting an adequate boobsize to remain in post, is put straight out to grass for being a grouchy old sexist ox
  • diane abloatt is widely believed to have shown an interest in a position, but after extensive measurement and re-measurement with 'outsize' calipers and imperial rulers, it was found her arse didn't fit

Sunday, 29 June 2014

own goal of the century: lucky at wars, unlucky in sport



tonight, some startling new socio-scientific soccer analysis by professor pinkwinkel brainstove the third:

having once more witnessed the clockwork implosion of the england world-cup football campaign, i felt it my deep patriotic duty to examine in some detail the biological factors which lie behind our boys' brave defeat in the heat of brazil... 
...thus after an intensive spot of research into the genetic make-up of past-and present england squads, which necessitated the exhaustive dna-testing of all our star-players, including a graveyard-shift in order to effect the unauthorized, but wholly unavoidable, exhumation of a few decomposing legends from our glorious past, i have made the utterly astonishing albeit unpolitically correct discovery that our nation's greatest success apparently came in a world footballing competition in the year 1966, when the england team was exclusively drawn from the diminishing pool of white-coloured people resident in the country, and yet since the selection of black-coloured people for the england team, we have never again achieved an international result which in any way compares to the aforementioned monochrome triumph... 
...in fact, upon making that incontrovertible deduction, i was about to terminate my investigations altogether and submit my findings to the english footballing association, however, following a swift and sudden free-kick in the bollocks by none other than erstwhile england hero, rio firebrand, i decided to look into the matter further, and upon pain of receiving another penalty-kick in the privates, i proceeded to thoroughly assess and carefully calibrate the physical performance of all england-players over the past five decades... 
...and guess what? it transpired that they were all jolly good professional sportsmen performing at the top of their game, and that no particular squad, whether multi-culturally blessed or unblessed, was significantly or obviously deficient in the talent department... 
...so what elusive x-factor is currently missing in the mix? could it perhaps be a non-specific contemporary socio-cultural influence, i asked myself with rio looming defensively in the background, his huge persuasive hand firmly gripping my shoulder and a regulation ref's whistle protruding provocatively from between his lips...? 
...but then suddenly, as if bit on the bum by a lightning-fanged liverpool-chopperholic, i had the answer... 
...yes, i reviewed the revealing televisual footage of our team singing "god save the queen" and found that barely anyone, except for the captain and the goalie bothered mouthing a single word of the awful anthem - because, i concluded, our lads must have absolutely no pride in this godforsaken country, bankrolled as it is by murderous military misadventurism, especially those from ethnically-minorized and other politically disenfranchized communities or classes, who probably feel they hold next-to-no emotional or socio-cultural stake in the nation, save the purely metaphorical and stereotypical one with which they might perhaps, in a purely metaphorical and stereotypical sense, wish to kebab her germanic-rooted majesty, the scottish-sounding prime minister, and other members of her vampiric government before serving the lot up for gazza's eclectic epicurean delectation... 
...quite frankly, a platoonful of battle-hardened squaddies, fresh from the slaughter-fields of afghanistan, bound together by a team-spirit of barmy-eyed beer-swilling patriotism, would have given the game more nationalistic welly and had more chance of grinding-out a bone-breaking win - for, mad cunts as our mainly-white warriors undoubtedly are, they are the only group of guys left in england who still truly harbour that insane passion for the crown and whichever noble nobhead who happens to be poncing around beneath it - there again, of course, playing a team of trained racist killers might possibly not be sending out to the world the sort of diplomatic message which our political leaders might exactly wish... 
...therefore, ipso de facto a priori non sequitur in posteriori ad nauseam, in light of our desperate national need for an emotionally-and-socially-gelled england soccer-team with the sporting capability of taking-on then crushing foul-faking foreign footballers, may i, on mr firebrand's able advice, propose to david "the jackdaw" cameron the following common-sense overseas and domestic policy initiatives, which in future might allow our afro-caribbean and other ethnic-minority or socially-dumped-upon sportsmen to feel more part of 'the english team': 

  • an immediate ban on the senseless bombing of brown people in their own sovereign states - this manner of international diplomacy can tend to make black people most uneasy, as they well recognize that in afro-caribbean countries they will invariably then receive the same treatment in spades
  • a prohibition on offering any form of moral, physical or political support to any other national government which proposes or proceeds to bomb brown, black or poor people in their own sovereign states - such as permitting the use of uk-based airfields and uk intelligence in the execution of these aforementioned offensive actions
  • the severest official condemnation of other national governments which propose or proceed to bomb brown, black or poor people in their own sovereign states and the refusal to permit such offensive countries the license to station military personnel and equipment on uk territory
  • the prohibition of illegal detention and torture and the severest official condemnation of other national governments which permit illegal detention and torture
  • official recognition by the uk government and authorities that a black person being beaten to death, suffocated or otherwise murdered by uk police or mental-health persons in a uk police-station or mental-health facility may not ultimately regard al qaeda, the ruskies or isis as representing the greatest potential threat to his or her personal safety

prof pw bs iii

Thursday, 29 May 2014

the face that lost a million votes



do you mean the wonky face of ed milibandage, i hear you say? the cheap socialist sticky-plaster designed to cover-up the mortal gaping wound of the iraq war and other labour-inspired wars of terror, which led ingloriously to the caring-sharing party's sudden self-inflicted death?

no.

i mean the ghoulish grinning gob-hole of tony "wog-bomber" blair, which impertinently persists in popping-up to corrupt the political consciousness of our unscreened televisual in-take with the cancerous propaganda of whatever subliminal neo-colonial neo-conservative agenda he happens to be pushing at any given moment in his interminable and intolerable serial-killing career - a constant crimson thorn cutting into the carnaged memory of an electorate still ashamed to countenance the trail of mutilated civilian bodies which blood-oil blair and his government left to rot across the now permanently warring wastelands of the middle-east.

yes...

...and today the man who once refused immigrants the right to receive life-saving treatment for aids on the nasty hospital service is blindly railing against the racism of the uk-capsized party, a group of great british grumblers who've never, thank fuck, had the power nor political presence to actually prosecute a neo-colonial war - no, no, they wouldn't dream of such a thing - but just don't want to see the maimed and impoverished results of great british foreign pulverization and ethnic persecution washing-up on our beautiful blue-flag british coastline of pristine cultural cleanliness, because that would be really be a reality show too far, wouldn't it?  beyond the pale an-all-that...non-bitter drinking bastards building our houses for knock-down prices, knocking-up public infrastructure projects for pennies, saving the great british taxpayer billions of pounds - well that's the theory, anyway - grafting for groats, servicing our beer-pumps, knocking-off our women - not-to-mention our blokes bored with bog-standard british booty - and generally bursting the bankrupt bubble of britain where, as-if-by-some-mad-mushroom-induced-magic, we can still get paid over-the-odds for producing bugger-all whilst the rest-of-the-world knocks-out shit for peanuts...

...wherever will it all end?

well, if we brits want the wedge to pay each other top-dollars for basically scratching each others bottoms on the beaches of europe, but don't on principle wish to work for the world market-rate like everybody else, it all ends in another war of exploitation where we bust-in to rape another country and rob it of its natural resources, just like tony bash-em-up blair did - so although burglar blair was the mastermind of the great middle-east mineral-mugging, he in fact drew his power-to-oppress overseas from the very same small-minded muddle-english mentality which views the u-keep-away party as the cynically simple solution to all our country's problems, and i humbly conclude that barbaric blagger blair and façade-for-fascism farage are merely two sides of the same bent britannic coin...

...but none of this alters the unforgiving rule of reality which dictates that the labour party will never be re-elected until its front bench is publicly purged of the sub-smirks of serving war-criminals and until tony "the butcher of baghdad" blair, along with all his free-loading former government monsters, are brought to justice in the hague for their long and wicked list of violations against humanity.


Tuesday, 18 March 2014

write to rant



today on spark up! we are privileged to be able to publish an exclusive extract from the diary of cryogenically preserved celebrity comedian, and bouncy-bed bastion of black british consciousness at the black-bashing corporation, mr lenny emery:

dear diary,

this morning, i woke-up in my luxury padded penthouse at promiscuous sin towers, luton, examined the super-calorific contents of my well-over-burdened intercontinental breakfast-tray...

...and, upon encountering some culturally-based confusion as to which side my toast had actually been buttered, pondered the matter awhile, before plodding off pensively down to my alternatively-coloured yet unbendingly benevolent masters based at bestiality house, portaloo place, london - primarily, it must be said, in order to embark on a self-sacrificing revolutionary whinge about the unethically under-cooked nature of my unbrowned bread...

...however, having announced my arrival at satan's-soul studios amid a fawning flatulent fanfare from fellow old fespian farts and entered unto the inner scrotum of scrotums (whereupon i was instantly blinded both politically and numismatically by that strangely intense white limelight, which as if through the power of some televisually enhanced magic once more began to radiate irrepressibly from my own unshackled artistic arsehole), it suddenly dawned on me (when removing my reality-bland shades and glimpsing my reflection in the basement-bog mirror) that the most prudent course of action would rather be to put on a big cheesy smile, wank the board-members off a bit, then ask them ever-so-nice-and-politely-like if they wouldn't mind awfully treating black fellas (and gals) like me a teeny-weeny dash better in the not-too-distant future...

...although, this all said-and-done, i obviously also proceeded to lay down the law in black-and-white and stated unequitably that i still wish to retain my exalted efnick position as grand-token-darky amongst darkies whilst continuing to appear as if i give a flying coconut-cake about the rest of the banana-careered bunch as they are all served-up to the chairman and dicksucker-general ass-first as an entrée exotico-erotico of afro-frisson fritters - fried to a facety-fit for the exclusive entertainment of the evil empire's faithful fag-boys.


yours ever-so ever-so gratefully


lenny ennui (cunt by example)

Friday, 14 February 2014

write to rant: valentine's special



without further ado, let me pass the keyboard straight-over to our most cherished and seasoned commentator, lady laaardidah of lordship road:

tonight, i am going to talk about a subject close to my heart: money...

...and well do you know what? there are neo-colonialist wars being fought all across africa and the middle-east - just to ensure that our so-called western democracies can rip-off the minerals and natural resources of impoverished third-world countries; civilian men, women and children are being murdered, raped and tortured by western soldiers and western proxy-mercenaries; whole populations are being left unconscionably poor because of cia-engineered civil-wars and exploitative western protectionist policies deliberately designed to prevent free-trade - and even in this our own nation, at least half our people have been disenfranchised from 'normal' established society, ejected, after summary state-educational psychological assessment, from the happy-slappy club of privileged political propriety, and black-listed as life-long members of the untouchable underclass by the cia, never to secure a 'good' job, ever...

...yet despite all this global deprivation, this social and economic turmoil, there's a prissy young white middle-class cow out there, miss stella greasepole mp, who's been spending time, money, and probably public resources, on a campaign to get another eternally young white middle-class cow, jane arsend, onto the back of the british ten-pound note - a paperback-writer on the back of our officially issued toilet-paper, so-to-speak...

...i'm not surprised this member of parliament, greasepole, received widespread popular abuse for her efforts - what ordinary person holds onto a tenner for long enough to notice what government-approved cunt pardon-my-patois is printed on it, anyway...?

...and now our oh-so-sensitive state is spending more time, money and public resources on protecting the honour and refined feelings of its little privileged madam, because obviously her feelings are so much more worthy than those of the pesky plebs who insulted her - what ordinary person would get this kind of service from the police and the criminal prosecution service, if slagged-off in the street, for example? is it now therefore illegal to heckle a politician in public...? especially the upper-class-upstart variety...?
...anyhow, why this literary obsession with jane arsend? does the respected mr carney engage in fantasy-wanks over her...? surely a far more suitable candidate would have been the lovely nell gwyn (this picture would do nicely
), a working-class girl who made it good and a nice choice for the boys, who would then have a real incentive to get off the dole, get off their arses and earn a few notes to save-up under the mattress, instead of blowing the lot on beer and wacky-backy...

...of course don't ask me why, but personally i would prefer to see a facety old black bag on the back of our banknotes - for the fifties it could be mary supercreole, for example, the afro-caribbean nurse who was dame florence nightygulf's long-time civil partner and darling of the empire's troops in the crimea...

...just how long do we have to wait for a black brother or sister to make it onto the back of the bank-bog-roll? it was on our black backs upon which most of the wealth was made, wasn't it...? and we certainly paid for it...

...so big hugs and valentine kisses going out to peter nunn, the guy who's being prosecuted for putting ms greasypole-dancer in her place - for all i know, he could be a misogynist wife-beating tory, although i'm pretty sure he's not...

...anyway that's not the point- the point is that we, the general public, will never know what the point of the prosecution is, because the text of the allegedly malicious message is not being published for us to read and for us to judge for ourselves...

...if mr nunn's communication were truly offensive, then why keep it an official secret? why not promulgate the terror-inducing tweet far-and-wide and simply let the rude-mouthed rascal be shamed in front of his family, friends and society-at-large? no, the state will not allow this, because this is not about cost-efficient justice - this is about teaching the filthy-tongued working scum that they must doff their caps to their silver-spooned social betters, and about showing them that the government has the power to suppress any speech which might prove upsetting to a member of the ruling political elite, in what is effectively a secret trial, the proceedings of which will only be observed by a few favoured ones selected by the inner circle...

...how can we as members of society assess whether justice is being done in this case? how can we judge for ourselves whether mr nunn's message was malicious or whether it was some sort of rather dark joke? why should we be paying for such a costly public court case when in fact all expression is self-regulating at the point of delivery and inevitably receives a rapid counter-balancing reaction in the form of equally rugged words, as is appropriate...?

...and now i must turn to mr old holborn and give him my sincere thanks for supporting mr nunn in his committed mission to liberate the confined mentalities, emotionalities and vocabularies of our educationally and professionally challenged superiors, but no hugs and kisses, mind - since he is a libertarian who does not believe in the freedom of movement, via migration, and has also omitted in a most discriminatory and islamophobic manner to take up the cause of mr royal barnes and his wife rebekah dawson of hackney, who have likewise been charged under laws restricting their right to freedom of expression...

...now, islamic extremist patrols here in britain, however distasteful, simply constitute a negative emotional reaction to christian military democracies which use armed force to impose their values upon muslims in sovereign countries abroad - and these oppressive patrols on our streets are clearly also a direct reaction to attempts by our domestic authorities to impose bans on certain religious practices, such as the wearing of burkhas...

...now, whilst i denounce physical intimidation and aggression as a means of imposing one's personal religious values upon others, i must, in the name of multiculturalism, defend to the depths of my social conscience, the right of those with whom i disagree to say their piece...

...and in the strange case of mr barnes and his wife, whilst i despair for their manners and civility, i must respect their right to communicate and express their deep emotions in respect of the murder of mr lee rigby in woolich - in the name of a happy functional multicultural community imbued with equal opportunities, we must permit muslims to glorify the murder of british soldiers in britain, just as we allow our own political leaders and soldiers to glorify the murder of muslim combatants in foreign countries. we must also accept that muslims may wish to incite others to murder british soldiers in the defence of muslim lands - for in truth, had conversely this couple been speaking in parliament and incited british soldiers to murder muslim combatants in a foreign muslim country, they would surely have been promoted to cabinet and could even have risen to the rarified respectful rank of prime minister...

...nevertheless, i might add, that it's not actually possible to incite someone else to murder or carry out an act of terrorism - as this action is strictly an individual choice - and a 'terrorist publication' is more familiarly known as mere 'propaganda' in westminster circles...

...in summary, by silencing citizens' disgust at policies, our ministers and members of parliament are obviously attempting to hide from their own immorality - and this is why the public tends to utter its sentiments so viciously...

...it serves no purpose for greasypole to make this guy a scapegoat other than to promote herself and to advance her own political career by show-trial...

...fundamentally, the nunn and barnes-dawson cases are comparable in that there is exactly the same principle of free speech which lies at stake and to prosecute these malcontents achieves absolutely nothing in a world split between observers who already either wholeheartedly concur or differ with the positions held by the persons accused - the evidence here is sealed from public inspection and the judgment completely subjective, thus rendering the proceedings both anti-democratic, anti-judicial and singularly political; the only result of these court-hearings will be to anger the already angry within our communities and to squeeze out a possible outbreak of real violence - but naturally this type of reaction is precisely the unethical excuse for which our police-state itches in order to crack-down on those who dare to highlight its failings...

...you know, perhaps the most efficacious way to deal with mr nunn would be to strike his image upon pound-coins and then inscribe his tweet around their edges...?

...as i mentioned above, the matter-at-hand resonates with me incredibly profoundly, since, whilst serving in the labour shadow cabinet, i myself suffered the severe indignity of being gagged by the parliamentary press-gang, largely as a collateral consequence of refusing to suck mr obama's double-headed willy - although of course it would've been nice to have been offered the opportunity.



ll

Monday, 13 January 2014

my vision for a less alluring britain: a paranoid patriotical broadside by "dozy" dave dachshund



today, a guest post by our prime minister:

now we are entering the interminable run-up to the next parliamentary elections, i would like to outline my plans to combat the greatest threat ever faced by this country to our cherished way of life...no, i do not refer to the illegal war-wankers who squat in the palace of westminster and have recourse to scrounging off the state-purse...but to the army of legal immigrants who wish to invade our borders, work for a living, and interrupt the sacred tradition of the great british tea-break, which for centuries has facilitated our citizens endless cultural quest to strive for and brew-up the perfect cuppa.

my strategy for combatting these half-boiled non-tea-drinking barbarians, who couldn't produce a proper pot of cha if they tried, is as follows (and generally comprises a trans-national policy of making our royal kingdom as undesirable a place to eke-out an existence as is politically possible without me being summarily ousted from power for humanitarian reasons by a united nations task-force with a military intervention mandate from the security council):

first, my government will introduce benefit restrictions on persons from european union member-states whom iain dunkirk smith's missus doesn't like the look of - with the full and dishonourable intention of opening the door on a legislative programme which will eventually corrode the entire social-security system and welfare-state unto the point of complete and utter disintegration, thus depriving of food and shelter all those cia-black-listed british and non-british citizens whom i and my conservative colleagues do not wish ever to secure decent remunerative employment from our multi-national-owing chums in the minted-breath mafia.

second, i will commission the jolly huntsman to degrade the national death crevice to a such degree that the sick and needy will be forced to cough-up repeat-prescription insurance contributions in order to top-up with basic medical care from the excruciatingly expensive private hospitals owned by my brethren in the extortionate elite.

third, i will contact ozburden to tax the economy to oblivion.

fourth, i will personally oversee the fracking, by greedy frog gas-prospectors, of our green and pleasant environment - naturally, with a view to poisoning the water-supply (for the benefit of my plug of shares in evian and perrier), precipitating persistent geological earthquakes along with persistent ecological heartaches, and last but not least, lining my own pockets with the slurry of stateside silver which i will proceed to pick-up without so much as pausing to piss any profit towards the poor peasants whose habitats i have sacrificed to fund the seamless stratological scam.

as a fifth measure, i will commit britain to sourcing unsustainable energy by procuring overpriced nuclear-power-installations from foreign super-cowboys, and siting said radical-attractive time-bombs in flood-susceptible locations...

...and finally, i will instruct wild willy havoc to launch cruise-missiles into the inner-cities of social discontent and rake the remnants of our unconservative communities with reconstitutional rounds fired from friendly united states army helicopters...or i might just contract al qaeda to finish the job if they can quote me cheaper - but whatever the preferred method of anti-cultural treatment, it will pan out much less costly, and provide a bigger better bang for our bucks, than we could possibly achieve by sending the plethora of plebs off to a pointless war.

this is my dream...

...of a land unfit for anycunt to live in.


dd

Monday, 28 October 2013

tescop mobile casts blacks, irish, and yappy border-collie-schnauzers as negative rôle-models



the television ads grimly make their point, in a coldly dictatorial don't-you-dare-me dispassionate fashion, reprovingly repressing the punter's right to disrespect the chose-us-or-else phone-package product currently being pushed by our premier purveyor of mercantile correctness, but the posters and photo-stills, show-bizarrely snapped for this take-no-prisoners neurotic-colonialist campaign, are just depressingly drab, to a degree which is devoid of any compelling human connectivity, especially this one, that is reminiscent, in its morosely melodramatic mood, of the no ifs, no buts benefit-fraud warnings, or perhaps those old-style drives to deter tube-fare-dodging where the isolated individual is detected and depicted in the clinical grey light-beam of cinéma vérité virtuousness.

reproachfully inhibiting potential customers' freedom of expression whilst denying the strategically selected star-performers an opportunity to shine-up their cv with effortlessly effusive verbal wit, would seem to be sending out completely the wrong message for a communications company (which is after all aiming buzby-like to promote profitable banter along their pay-lines), and it also has the professionally distasteful side-effect of somehow lacing the long-term memory with the unhappy image of a frustrated or failed comic.

indeed, this advertizement's atmosphere is so grim 'n gritty when observed in bare newsprint, that i simply can't avoid the gnawing afro-sensitive thought that there might have been a definite, deliberate and devious attempt by the w an' k agency to promote a culture of negative socio-racial stereotyping.

of course, i don't for one thousandth of a nano-moment blame this communo-ethnic betrayal on gina lashaway, ed airstack or dear old ronnie corgiette, who in their blithe political naïveté have all been well exploited here and comprehensively taken-in (unlike those termed 'immigrants' in this country, who from the 1950s and 60s to the present day have habitually been refused private accommodation by prejudiced scum-landlords on the grounds of skin-colour or national origin alone), yet obviously, no matter how accomplished an artist, the nightmare of being haunted by the curse of unimaginative and mediocre commercial production values is the eternal risk taken by a comedian when being remunerated for performing other people's dodgy material, as opposed to working-up his own scripts on the hazardous trail of trial and error, or even remunerating a copy-writer for quality lines at the correct market-price.

however, quite frankly, i consider it a damnable disgrace that, ranking alongside the randy romford rascal as one of britain's top-rated contemporary comedy acts, ms grievous lashearache, having gigged her friggin' arse off and made it bloody big-time over in the states, has been condescendingly palmed-off with such a fucking naf ad-spot - so let's hope, for her and her colleagues' sakes, that the mobile merchandise in question now lives up to the billing...

...because let's face facts, there's not much good publicity to be gained from associating with tescops otherwise - it's not as if this business, which enjoys the forced labour of unemployed jobseekers for free, is known as a burning beacon of charity...

...i mean-to-say, what's the chance of an establishment-approved outfit like w an' k or tescops (the firm which volunteered itself as a public immigration-surveillance department) dipping into the billions they've reaped in profits to fund a community information campaign against racial discrimination, hey?  would you join a phone-network which was run by a management once more-than-willing to monitor their customers on behalf of the government?

nevertheless, in conclusion, i must confess that there are already several alternative analyses doing the rounds which tend to contradict my afore-mentioned supposition that this multi-national operator indulged in cynical manipulation of multi-culturalism - the most compelling theory being that mega euro-mobster, mad ronnie kickbutt, was actually the gangster initially responsible for feeding the notorious reputation-damaging horsebeef into the retail-supply-chain earlier this year, and then helpfully popped-up to tender tescops his magic "mob-a-job" brand-relaunder-and-relaunch-service, although only on the strict condition that both his afro-caribbean east-end-moll and his long-haired gay-lover got some gratuitous greasy graft from the deal too.

clearly, i couldn't possibly comment.


Sunday, 13 October 2013

ed shows di true colour of his knickers



this week's shadow-cabinet reshuffle shows that ed rubberband, the prodigal neo-colonialist puppet, has been mercilessly zapped back into the indoctrinated line of new-weird-odour mercenaries by his political handler, 'big' bro dave, who on behalf of the cia operates the labour party leader from the other side of north atlantic geo-political rift...

...for there was no way in the enwhitened and enamelled world of western democracy that a black woman, holding a seat in a british opposition shadow-cabinet, could possibly help instigate a lightening left-wing rebellion against the bastard blood-lusting proposals for a us war of aggression in the middle-east, make consequential international willies of the predator and vice-predator of the undead states of america, and in the process upset the vampire-in-waiting capillary clinton's carefully laid plans for an economically face-saving apocalypse, yet still hope to hang on to her racially-profiled frontline job...

...naturally, with a token afro-caribbean and a token asian already squatting proudly in the inner-circle of labour party chiefs, diane abbott was not only considered out of order politically and out of favour personally, but also above quota ethnically...

...indeed, although not great in physical stature, the former shadow health minister's ungraciously-engineered dismissal will leave a big gap on the opposition frontbench in parliament which will be filled by much slighter ladies, with far prettier cia-compatible politics, who will possess neither the experience, muscle, nor minds broad enough to force their leader into a corner of conscience and exercize him ethically unto the point where he might once more feel moved to face down the assembled forces of evil as they seek to scam quasi-legislative approval for the unjustified unleashing of unending unlawful war...

...we won't ever again be seeing a labour shadow-minister dementedly jumping up and down outside the prime minister's official residence in protest at our country's participation in illegal military aggression against foreign powers - the miliband cabinet's complacently compliant now...

...next time around, when the witch obama and his coven decide to conjure-up a conflagration of carnage to cap all cruel conflicts, the big political activist with the big mouth, from the small, so-called 'unimportant' constituency of hackney north and stoke newington, will not be there to bend ed the unred by his ear, whisper some sweet common-sense somethings into it, and let him hear the anti-war message passed down the gripevine by the unminted millions to whom morality matters...

...and who's now going to remind mr milibrit about the impending dangers of using arse-ignorant immigration policy to fluff-up the racist vote and frig-off fans of fascism...?  who's going to remind him that immigration restriction, the cia's favourite tool of torture against those born on the wrong side of the earth, leads to two-speed international socialism, a passport to poverty for the underprivileged exploited billions, and brown bodies rotting and rocking away at the bottom of our trench-trap oceans, swaying unconcerned in the eternal watery hammocks of their holed-dreams, after the boat-babies' deluded bids for some place a bit better...floundered...?  and who's going to remind him that whilst watchtower europe allows certain slaves entry to service the market, it calculatingly jettisons others to indemnify its social welfare program and preserve our state of lawful ignorance...regarding the global trade in humanity...?

...yes, when it comes to questions of race, mr miliband will always put his own first, because otherwise he knows he will receive a firm but frosty phone-call from the family - as he no doubt did before chucking diane overboard, along with the votes of many non-mainstream minorities, the ideological left, and any remaining chance of preventing his party from splitting asunder before the next general election...

...really, it seems such a dictatorial disgrace for this wet young woolly-brained whippersnapper to so disrespectfully ram a mute down the throat of such a senior advisor...

...but whilst there won't be any claim lodged for either race or age discrimination...

...the leader of the labour party will be held to account for his selfish actions...

...at the public polls.


Tuesday, 8 October 2013

the curious incident of the dork who didn't budge at the right time



inexplicably, bodge-it-man iain duncan smith, the bungling blue-meanister who has already recklessly blown millions on his notorious universal haircut (projected date for complete super-smooth roll-back: 2017), retains his precarious position in dave clingon's government as the most hated man in britain - despised indeed by broad cross-sections of benefit-claimants, working-classes, people with disabilities, ethnic minorities, and grass-roots conservatives alike...

...incredibly, even some high-ranking colleagues in cabinet hate the cunt...

...coz he always claims he's got some-shit in the pipeline, but then the system gets blocked, and he can't budge-it...

...so with a record of career-failure as long as his cobbled-together cock-up of a cv (contrived version), why have captain skid's mortal enemies, the bounty-hunting crew of fair-weather frigate, miliband's revenge, not yet handed this chronically constipated cabinet-minister the dreaded 'back-spot'...? (a largely ceremonial parliamentary procedure, which is traditionally performed by frantically digging-up the requisite degree of ritual dirt to despatch the accursed-one forthwith to a mossy park-bench in the bleak backwoods of bucks)

...and the answer to this ostensibly unfathomable parliamentary mystery is of course that captain plebwash is doing more damage to the conservative-government whilst stationed at the helm of his own morally and systemically misfiring departmental-destroyer than the shampooed shadow-boxers in the lack-labour opposition ever could hope to...

...nice work dave.


Friday, 4 October 2013

trial by template



there's a funny squiggly little shape somebody once drew on a map which some people call "britain",

some people love it, some people hate it,

but millions of people who live in the funny squiggly little shape don't even believe it exists, and believe instead that they live in different-shaped funny squiggly little things with differently-spelt funny squiggly little names,

and then again, many others believe they don't live in a funny squiggly-shaped little thing at all, nor do they have any emotional feelings for it, because it's an abstract and arbitrary political construct which only has real significance for those people who believe it exists because they believe they rule it and for those other people who believe it exists but don't themselves believe they rule it because they give money to the people they do believe rule it;

ed, dave, nick and nige believe it exists because they believe they rule it and will get money from other people who don't themselves believe they rule it,

but obviously if those other people didn't believe ed ruled it and ed didn't believe he would get money from them, then ed wouldn't believe he ruled it and wouldn't have to believe it existed,

and so ed wouldn't have to defend his dad's name when other people who believe it does exist accuse his dad of hating it because ed would simply submit that he could not believe his dad to have hated something which he himself didn't actually believe to exist,

and which in any case, being a good marxist, ed's dad knew never fucking well existed in the first place,

although naturally i mention this last point notwithstanding the remote theoretical possibility that he may have had, on occasion, good, just and reasonable cause,

to cuss it off really rotten like.


Wednesday, 2 October 2013

tescrow: the company with a possum in the tank



in chief-wally cameron's grand british massage-parlour of opportunity, the socially-sensible saintsbury's have opted to decline the government's free-gift of financially-forced-labour, rail-roaded from the job-camps of the unemployed, whilst in contrast, horse-traders tesconscripts have rushed-in to fill their inhumanely resourced boutiques from the disenfranchised ranks of press-ganged claimant-crews, shackled by circumstance of regressive elitist economics to benefit-workfare scams...

...and well, credit where credit's due, i suppose...

...because quarter-on-quarter, smart-thinking sensbury's profits are up, yet over a comparable period, tricky-tacky thicko's earnings are now slumbering...

...it seems that's the price you pay these-days for operating as a 'charitable' community-centric concern...

...and for those job-seekers not fortunate enough to be chosen to work identical shop-hours for unequal amounts of individually-assessed employment and housing benefits, there's the once-in-a-lifetime chance to get a taste of hypothetical-money doing a real job - when iain duncan smith miraculously recreates the genuine work-experience right there in the jobcentre, or a not-for-profit company which produces sweet fanny except big salaries for its fat batch of directors...

...yeah, really...

...billions of pounds are going to be splashed on simulating 'the real thing' in the hot-house industrial environment of politically-controlled public offices...

...except obviously, as one of the lucky-millions, you won't ever be sacked, get promoted, earn a bit extra by grafting on overtime, gain the emotional satisfaction of creating wealth with which to feed you or your family, learn handy transferable skills, or produce anything of any intrinsic utilitarian or monetary value whatsoever...

...no matter how much official cock you copiously successfully suck...

...but at least the obsessively moral supervision will keep you safe from accessing the incalculably evil and invisible realm of the mystical and unethical black-market economy, where you might just earn a few bob on-top of your state-allowance for tidying up some old granny's back-garden...

...moreover you'll trudge home each evening, dog-tired after a hard day's work, deliriously happy however in the knowledge that, like the billionaire businessmen of britain, you'll be taxed bugger-all...

...and then of course there will be the added bonus of doing something conscientious which contributes to the construction of a fairer, more equal and just society...

...such as:

  • painting parliament blue...and then maybe orange, or purple and yellow according to general preference

  • painting nuclear power-stations green

  • painting black people white and white people black...whilst offering mixed-race citizens and asians the choice of either colour-scheme

  • painting wind-turbines khaki-'n-camouflage to give them the enhanced ecologically-pleasing appearance of giant whirring metallic trees

  • and painting all military personnel, plus their equipment, weapons, trucks and tanks, a pretty shade of pink...as a prelude to exporting this graphic concept-industry to the united states in the form of an all-inclusive designer make-over-service for marines...

...oh what a wonderful world this will be...