curtailed words

one of our most admired commentators, ms katie kwik-fit, has just been blocked from contributing to the on-going discussion of existentialist values over on the slog.

john ward, who preaches liberty, but practises carte-blanche censorship of expression on his charade of a discussion thread, wrote the following in reply to a zeusgoose comment on this at the end of the day blogpost:

ZG
 Spot on. most animals live in Now 95% of the time, and less ‘sophisticated’ they are, it goes nearer to 100%. There is no ‘Time’: Man’s frontal lobes invented it to explain multivaritiate data coming at us that would fry your head unless you simplify it.
Now, about who’s going to win the Cup next year…..

our girl, katie kwik-fit, who clearly operates on a higher plane of consciousness than ward, was cynically sandbagged as she submitted the following tips:

yes, john, quite...just two little points arising from all that...

...i often think that my dogs are more in touch with real life than i am myself, and slightly more intellectual too...

...in the small gaps i get off between work showing good examples to the common underclass (which seems terminally addicted to the twin activititties of taking-in trash-tv and milking other people's hard-earned money from the government benefits system), i like to relax my overtaxed brain by reading a bit of rainer maria rilke - he's an amazing animal-loving poet who's well into country stuff and all things natural...

...i personally recommend the eighth elegy out of the set of duino elegies, which connects nicely with your own point, as it so happens...

...my preferred translation is by a guy called cf macintyre - his book has double scripts, one on the left and one on the right, so you can appreciate the form of the original german version and the reworked english one all at the same time...

...yeah, i'm really into rilke coz he didn't get subsidies from the state and liked to live in castles and shit like that.

typical disgraceful hypocrisy consistent with ukip wally-philosophy.

too many kookie flag-wagglers spoil the british broth

owing to the twin trials of a close shave with frisky frisian separatists and an unscheduled mental abstraction by over-zealous froggie fans who left me digitally stranded with a gadget possessing the technological sophistication of a high-falutin fucking flapjack, blogging has not been possible in recent weeks...

...but now things have been succinctly sorted, spark up! can exclusively break the shocking news that, in the face of a very britannic civil war over exactly where english fruitcake ends and scottish dundee-cake begins, our evergreen prime-minister, dave "cucumber-patch" cameron, has abruptly back-tracked on parliamentary proposals to construct the highly-subsidized-choo-choo to economic ruin and instead diverted the £333 billion pre-allocated treasury funds into integral structural improvement and modernization of adrian's roll, the ancient british pastry-dyke running between tyneside and the solway firth, which has historically acted as a traditional boundary of ethnic demarcation and civil disunion.

it is further reported that celebrity exponent of true-blue-cuisine, cordon ramsarse, has been duly consulted and is currantly engaged in the process of testing the consistency and composition of the underlying cultural crust in order to establish the exact location of the disputed political fault-line - indeed, there is also confirmation that ramsarse has agreed to judge a great british fuck-off competition to design the decorative piping on the project.

in response to questions raised in the house of commons today, chef de partie cameron has been quoted as indicating his preference for a 'jimmy-jock' collaborative approach to resolving any aesthetic and artistic differences that may be encountered during the anglo-tartan co-production of this structure of vital national importance, and remains adamant that "good fences make good partnerships"; however, president "humbug" hollande of france has voiced concerns over the culinary specifications of cameron's turnover and stated his intention to supersede this « patisserie pathétique » with a giant all-encompassing european crâp - par-ce qu'il est un putain de cocksuckeur américain.

cap'n dunc's duelling dictums

on the eve of the official launch of iain sunken smith's welfare flagship, hms universal cockup, one can but sympathize with the precarious position of our poorly-served night-watchman prime minister, his reputation already riddled with friendly-fire, nails bitten ragged to the quick, as he prays, to any god prepared to offer him the fleeting courtesy of half-an-ear, for a smooth snagless slipway to guide the british-built public vessel, which holds together all his party's electoral hopes and dreams, into the merciless ocean of common reality - although no doubt a good portion of his pious petition will be devoted to despairing pleas that his mizer for work and pensions may not choose this particular mayday to perform that oh so emotionally-honest impression of a loose-cannon for which his cabinet colleague has garnered such national renown...

...just a tip mr smith, but i really reckon that the damp decadence of smashing a jeroboam of top-tipple champers across the bow of this byzantine benefit boat of babylon may not go down too well in the country at large - and personally, i recommend a vintage can of super-strength skol lager, the viking's choice.

clearly, mr smith's religious commitment to the social safety-net is completely unparalleled in contemporary political history, and he has unquestionably been almost irrepressible in his tireless desire both to make the system more transparent (by cleverly cutting down on the raw material required for its manufacture) and to design bigger safer holes (in order to cater for the unfortunate eventuality of innocent british citizens becoming irretrievably trapped beneath it). nevertheless, there does seem to be a duality, and maybe even a dichotomy, in the minister's philosophical approach to reform, which, being a right-of-centre blog, we here at spark up! are duty-bound to give some form of cursory examination, whilst stopping short of out-and-out moral judgment, of course - for although his 'cap' on benefits is laudably universal, the decision to deduct surplus monies solely from claimants' weekly living-allowances does indeed foster the almost certainly illusory appearance that the cap'n is deliberately discriminating against our communities' shopkeepers in favour of our landlords; a small point perhaps, yet mr smith might consider, in these critical commercial circumstances, that his passionate love for our welfare system might well be more fully expressed in an altogether unbridled and uncapped state...?

...and then there is the albeit minor question as to whether the well-off should repay unrequired sums of benefit back to the government, so that funds may be rightly redistributed to those in actual need - followed naturally by that other, complementary question, which must surely pop-up like a big bobbling belly-dancer and groovily gyrate around in the dissonant dialectic of the cap'n's intellectually rigorous mind: should those who decline the state's assistance be obliged to pay any taxes whatsoever...? at the very least, some might like their contributions back, or so one could well surmise...?

now, to be fair to the minister for flogging a dead horse, some of our more intuitive westminster commentators are currently suggesting that the chaos caused by this meddling and tinkering with the benefit payments-system is not down to duncan at all, but is in truth of fact the purely paranormal result of psychopathological poltergeist activity by maggie, a miscreant former inhabitant of those offices...

...however (and i propose this alternative view as an untested theory and by no means as established fact), there is another quite plausible explanation for these potty political phenomena which are now being witnessed by the witless in whitehall and confirmed as regular daily occurences - but in order to understand this most convoluted of hypotheses, one must delve dangerously deep into the very psyche of the man, duncan smith, himself...

...you see, i intend to publish a paper on the subject, and it pans out something like this:

cap'n smith possesses two great yet eternally conflicting loves in his life, or maybe they perhaps possess him, on that point i'm not precisely sure - his first love, chronologically-speaking, is none other than the limbotic spirit of the battering baroness herself, margaret thatcher...with his second love being the volcanically voluptuous venus which we each know as the british welfare state...now, when his obsession for the welfare state forces itself to the fore, why, he wouldn't even harm a fly...but when his ardour for his mental matriarchal mentor is triggered to rise into the ascendancy, and becomes dominant in the flimsy frontal lobes flopping off from his cerebral cortex, his placid personality suddenly undergoes a terrific psychological transformation and gross gender transmutation such as you would never ever wish to behold ever...and then, dear readers, 'she' is prone to a wailing, a flailing, a fearful gnashing of teeth, and a paranoic although perfectly logical predisposition to stabbing-up her perceived metaphysical rival in love, the welfare state...these aforementioned events constituting a serious psychotic episode which usually culminates with 'her' slashing wildly in the shower.  so whacky.

what a woman.


(due to an unforeseen virus rampaging through the editorial department, tonight's special column was composed, off-the-cuff, by esteemed spark up! ghost-writer, professor pinkwinkel brainstove the third)

snooker-ass steve sleights indian subcontinent

in the course of presenting a potted history of snooker for the british broadcasting corporation, six-times world-champ sir steve gravis has besmirched the strict etiquette of professional player-conduct by committing a blatant foul-stroke but failing to call it to general attention; essex-bred steve allegedly brought the popular billiard-spin-off sport into disrepute by deviously white-washing from his commentary the historic asian contribution to the invention of the modern game - instead attributing full ballistic honours to the british army.

despite provoking a widespread clatter of serious public unrest which has rebounded across every corner of the eastern hemisphere, the pouting sir steve has stubbornly remained po-faced amid mounting international pressure for him to give television audiences satisfaction by sitting on his cue.

to analyze the complex socio-political angles created by a venerated british sporting-ambassador conveniently swerving around the accepted historical truth, spark up! has consulted no-less an expert than steve gravis' pool-hustling peer, sir trev "trickshot" trillips, who when interviewed today found himself in a favourable position to string together a few short yet astute observations in order to give us the direct benefit of his vast knowledge and experience in such matters:

i must regrettably report that, primarily as a consequence of a well-misspent youth, my former club-mate sir steve gravis has foolishly flouted educated advice and insisted upon expounding a theory on the origins of snooker which has insulted indian culture in the most indiscriminate and ignorant manner. 

according to the encyclopeedia britannicka (my ultimate reference-point in life), the game of snooker was devized in 1874 at jabalpur british army barracks, india, by a certain sir neville chamberpot and fellow officers, who, whilst under the high himalayan influence of nepalese charas, confused the rules of billiards with the ancient local pastime of karrom. further research into this incipient indic board-game reveals that it was in fact nicked from the greeks who in turn nicked it off the egyptians - this latter discovery being a frisson-inducing finding which opens the anthropological doors on theories that snooker possibly first emerged in the african rift valley, where pre-historic homo sapiens tribesmen happened to spectate upon a strikingly similar game (played by a since extinct early hominid, or ape-man, species using spears and their enemies' testicles) which they were subsequently inspired to develop and hone, through the tireless striving of thousands of years of craftmanship and ingenuity, into a portable package sufficiently civilized to flog-off to the pharaohs.

indeed, the deep african influence is still evident in the modern game of snooker which we all know and cherish today, and thus i believe it to be absolutely non-coincidental that the black-ball bears the highest value, whilst the white-ball assumes no intrinsic numerical value whatsoever, being but an expedient device with which to take pot-shots at the many and various coloured balls - almost as if the table were in some strange way analogous to this our crowded earthly world and the players the sublimely intelligent gods who created it...

in conclusion, might i remark upon the less obvious african connections of those illuminati who have in recent times graced the green baize of this great game and done so much to frame its irresistible appeal - first, ronnie "the conscious" o'suliman, who has always bravely acknowledged his 'dark side', and finally, sir steve "gingernacks" gravis himself, whose proud nubian ethnicity is disturbingly disguised by a cruelly disfiguring screwback gene issuing from a progressive welsh missionary.

i rest my case. 

how the braindead enable evil to establish an 'event'

having received certain missives indicating that certain persons in certain sections of our community might just possibly have been untowardly upset by a recent spark up! exposition, i can, in my defence and all sincerity, only state that, in my heart-of-hearts, i consider this effect of my causing to have been entirely and unequivocally unintentional.

here at spark up! we strive to rise above the petty puerile squabblings of the left-right-and-centre of the arstablishment in order to highlight prevailing socio-political issues worthy of a damn good rogering, and in this respect, i am reluctant to engage in the over-reactively emotional lamentation or celebratory commemoration of the croaking of an ancient briton whose active influence on our current-day lives has long since passed, there being of course much more clear and present monisters on which to keep a carefully-focused cats-eye - big bad-assed benefit-exploiting monisters indeed, who will be revelling in the god-organized opportunity, afforded by the deliberate distraction of ten days' national-mourning and idiot-driven mockery, to dip right out of public-view and brew-up yet more miserable poisoned broth for the manipulated masses, whose lawful vilification constitutes a cordon bleu meal-ticket for the cunts who facilitate its slimy legislative path through parliament.

this said however, the dear departed's largely tax-payer-funded funeral arrangements (weighing-in at roughly £6 million) at least merit a cursory inspection - draining, as they do, the communal cash-pool, curtailing, as they do, city-based courier earnings, and buggering-up, as they always do, both traffic-circulation and the general london-economy for a whole bloody week.

naturally, none of this elaborate extravagance is in any way of the untimely deceased's own making...in an ideal world, the down-to-earth former prime-meddler's mortally stripped-assets would have enjoyed:

• the simple common delights of lying-on-a-crate in a democratically selected east-end corner-shop


• a cortège of white vans tastefully sprayed black in deference to the solemn occasion - all driven courteously by specially chosen basildon men each with his foot to floorboards to maximize profits


• a scenic al fresco hearse-ride to the funeral-venue on a hastily converted milk-float chauffeured by norman deathbite


• a brief chapel-service consisting of a few quick apt words of wisdom taken from st francis of assisi - concisely summing-up the general sentiments of the gathered proletariat


• a no-frills no-fuss heave-ho into the furnace - closely followed, in strict accordance with royal aryan tradition, by the voluntary 'sati-style' self-sacrifice of every living conservative cabinet minister, past and present

nevertheless, in the event that the demented empress had chosen interment as her favoured option of transferral into the afterlife, i'm sure that, being an unpretentious woman, she would have gone for:

• only a modest-sized pyramid


• an unostentatious but practical black-leather-bound sarcophagus with shoulder-length straps, an attractive brass-buckle, and a handy compartment for storing tissues scrawled-over with quotes


• just the one burial-chamber - although sufficiently spacious enough to accommodate all her ex-colleagues, a fridge for her milk, a year's supply of whisky, and a few gross of brussels

moribund maggie merks miliband

in a final impeccably-timed stroke of dedicated disruptive political defiance, baroness splatcha has, for the greater good of the conservative party, selflessly snuffed it in order to block out news headlines of iain dunderhead smith's impending parliamentary demise as he slowly succumbs to public-pressure under an a4 avalanche of incendiary anti-government petitions and slow-burning leftwing lawsuits.

we salute the strategic stealth of the ironing lady's stubborn churchillian spirit, but are still seeking to locate any serious solid evidence of a viable social conscience.

too tight to rent

according to an anonymous call received very late yesterday evening, this blog can exclusively reveal that there's currently a few serious sparks flying in the duncan smith household...

the unknown source, who was described by staff as being 'fairly emotional', was disposed (and indeed desperate) to give our news-room editor the following insightful telephone interview:

ok ya one's had it up to here with the lord of the dunce ya...this morning one was untimely wrenched from an absolutely appallingly surreal yet somehow totally indecipherable nightmare (about being so poor one was compelled to use a 25000 page petition on which to wipe one's bum) only to be treated to a personal recital of the latest chapter in his epic saga of love on the sponge, as sensationally serialized in the daily wellygraph every sodding sunday.

no, he did not live with one illegally in a bedsit in the early eighties, the randy rat used to sneak round from dossing in his bosom buddy's room at the pratt's club for a quick consolation shag whilst getting over his depression at playing an integral rôle in losing two bollocking great big bits of the bloody british empire in succession - because you see for some strange reason which ultimately eluded one ya, he found the (all-too-erratic) erotic experience 'afforded him deep psychological comfort'...ahh...

...and then before breakfast ya one used to boot his useless arse straight back out onto the street and tell him not to disturb one's janet reger's again until he'd found himself a real job with real money - obviously ya, one thought he never would get any proper employment and that one would never see the pathetic penny-pinching prick again, but hey the best laid plans of mice and sado-mastic women and all that...and then blow one's farmyard fanny if he didn't land some poxy dead-end position (through some dodgy ex-army mate) and return to haunt me...

...well after all one had said, one obviously had to give the stupid tosser another chance ya, and seeing as one didn't actually possess a television set at the time ya, it seemed like a good idea ya...and so anyway ya, eventually he wormed his way right up into one's trendily down-at-heel chelsea studio-room and then one's haute-couture silky french knickers, permanently ya - basically after the daft old bag who ran the place took pity on the spare-brained pillock when he nearly electrocuted himself changing a light-bulb or plug or something...

...and ya to cut a long and altogether harrowing story short...one blasted disaster then led to another and one supposes one could probably well say that in a certain manner of speaking the feckless failure-prone ponce has still got his fingers in his landlady's socket even unto this very most dark and despondency-inducing of days...if one gets the general drift of one's meaning ya...

one just wonders who that lady was?

a precipitate of petitions

yep, you heard it on spark up! first:

the change.org petition, challenging iain duncan smith to survive for an entire year eating only his own words, has given birth (out of wedlock) to a bouncing little baby petition - eminent biologists examining the phenomenally rapid rate of reproduction are speculating that some strange form of asexual budding is probably responsible for the recent emergence of the spewing spluttering sprog.

if you care to sign this new letter petitioning the prime minister of the united kingdom to either sack iain duncan smith or demand his resignation, please hurry - as space on the page is limited and demand high.

write to rant

tonight's guest in our freedom-to-look-a-berk slot is the politician with the pursed lips, mr george odballs - i believe he has a few emotional words to say about a mindless outrage which has recently hit the news headlines:

yes, duncan smith is responsible for these absolutely horrendous crimes and these are crimes that have shocked the nation; the courts are responsible for sentencing him.

but i think there is a question for government and for society about the welfare state...and the sort of people who deliberately burn it down killing all those innocent young children who seek shelter within it - taxpayers are subsidizing the outrageously licentious lifestyles of career criminals like duncan smith, and i think that debate needs to be had.

ok, thank you - that's it really. 

why's my bloody car been clamped?

the skeletons in obama's legacy

south-londoner shaker aamer has been held in guantanamo bay detention facility for 11 years without being charged or tried.  in common with about three-quarters of the inmates in the black hole of congress, mr aamer is now on hunger strike - he has lost 30lbs in weight.

the director of the legal charity reprieve, clive stafford smith, has urged the uk government to do more to help shaker aamer:

shaker has a wife and four british kids – one of whom he’s never met – in london. the uk just accepts routine assurances from the us that all is well, when all is rotten in guantanamo bay. Does the uk really take the position that there is nothing more that can be done if a close ally is committing the on-going torture of shaker aamer?

sure seems like barack obama is aiming to be the american president who over eight long years in office never found a window in his very busy schedule of very important meetings about very important matters to close down the concentration camp established by his predecessor george w bush to imprison any muslim who the cia have an inkling might be a bit miffed about the united states military invading his brothers' country and bombing the bejesus out of their families.

the full story is reported in an interview on london itv news with reprieve legal director, cori crider.  corrr

oliver stone and peter kuznick are also getting geared-up for a spot of non-prejudicial multi-racial president-bashing in their new book and tv documentary series, the untold history of the united states - and according to an interview the two writers gave on channel 4 news, the series apparently attempts, using words-of-one-syllable and not-so-pretty pictures, to convince the american public of the futility and gratuity of historic hit-parade us invasions such as those which devasted the civilian populations in iraq and afghanistan.  good luck mate...

the dissident directorial duo proclaim to be mighty peed-off with president obama's aggressive and imperial foreign policy, yet at least one of the two nevertheless appears to have still been hoodwinked into voting the flunky old git back in...when will they ever learn?  my personal view about politicians and elections - don't vote, it only encourages the cunts.

if you're hacked-off and you know it...

...and if you hate iain duncan smith's guts as much as he hates yours, please consider signing this petition on change.org challenging the millionaire secretary of state for working in poverty to put his claim to be able to live off £53-a-week where the sun don't shine his mouth is...

(note: there's the added bonus of being invited to call him a cunt in the why is this important to you? section)

clipped words

the following critical comment, made by bruce and the steaming pile of minotaur shit, in reply to the slog post friedmanite capitalism has aimed low and missed. we need a new higher aim was summarily and shamefully edited out and nicked:

The Crusades and the Spanish Inquisition were, shall we say, cases of serious copybook-blotting, but pretty much once Charles I of England and Louis XVI of France had been separated from their silly heads, Christian values in Europe – and later middle America – used the social principles of State-separated Christianity to produce communities, welfare and humane treatment on a scale never seen before.

leaving aside the fact that i entered this sentence and nearly never found my effing way out again (i was luckily saved by a ball of mental commas in my pocket)...and (given it's easter) gliding glibly over the astonishing new sociological evidence that in the nineteenth century 'christian values' and 'social principles' were busily working together in pefect mystical harmony to transform the face of europe without any human intervention whatsoever...i would respectfully request to enquire of ward whether he refers to a scale of size or rather one of quality...for if he can but bring himself to acknowledge that slavery was not abolished until 1833, and that even then the 'freed' slaves were by law compelled to work as 'apprentices' until as late as 1840, he might admit that any 'welfare and humane treatment' by governments in europe was at best cynical and more often the complete sham which it remains today...

...and as for:

Indeed, it has long been my theory that the Roman Empire crumbled in the end because early Christians in Rome offered a way of life so diametrically opposed to the cruel Imperial ethic, it was by definition bound to be seditious….and melt the iron hammer with which the Romans knocked their conquered peoples into shape.

well, it's probably worth noting that the emperor of rome, constantine, himself converted to christianity in 312 and yet oddly enough the western roman empire did not go up in smoke until 476, when it decamped to the middle east, put on an even more bizarre outfit and survived another funky 1000 years as the byzantine empire - so i humbly propose therefore that ward's decline-and-fall theory requires a little hammering-into-shape itself.

From around 1830 in Western Europe, and America after the Civil War and before McCarthyism, Christian values produced a level of caring social interaction and theory miles beyond that of any other continent. That this didn’t happen in Africa, India, and South America is, for me, a condemnation of the Church as an agent in league with a repressive State – be that Argentina or the British Empire. Conquistador priests and and early missionaries have a lot to answer for. But not only did the British Empire turn out to be far more constructive and benign than any predecessor, the Brits gave it away at the end of the Second World War because (the Labour Government at least) believed in self-determination.

gobsmacking stuff really - to think that ward really believes cultures in other continents could not look after their own without the 'benign' influence of a british empire which, incidentally, the establishment gave away (mainly in the 1960s) to its distinctly nefarious mates, who are effectively still ruling and exploiting ex-colonial lands and peoples by proxy for the british elite until this very day; how much land in south africa, kenya, and zimbabwe was 'given away' considering that much of it has remained under european ownership to the present? how many people in kenya or south africa (to name but a couple of former colonies) have been violently slaughtered and suppressed since the advent of independence? and did the lovely labour government dissolve the british empire because it 'believed in self-determination'? did it ffff - the empire dissolved because its subjects wanted out.

That Labour administration was largely based on Christian-inspired Fabian and Community Trade Union Socialism at the time. I’m not a member of any of those clubs, but the 1945-51 administration still stands out for me as easily the most productive of an otherwise ethically dim British century. Without the inspiration of Jesus of Nazareth, I doubt if it would ever have happened.

pardon me for assuming that fabianism and trade-unionism were inspired by the atheist doctrine of communism, but you learn something every day dontcha?

the 1945-51 labour administration...

didn't they eat well?

bedroom-tax special by spark up! legal correspondent: miss jacquetta oven-baked

beware, iain can-can smith's claim that he could get-by on 53 quid-a-week is probably a seasonal april fool's stunt, but nevertheless it admirably demonstrates his complete and utter lack of sympathy for the poor old job-seeker's predicament. our esteemed minister is right, of course - if forced into that deeply undesirable situation, we could all probably just about scrape through on 53 quid-a-week, with a few spadesful of initiative and a little benefit-regulation-bending help from our friends, yet as i say, the miserly old muppet misses the point altogether, because one of the main hurdles facing the unemployed welfare claimants is the emotional and psychological abuse hurled at them by cruelly condescending and sadistic jobcentre staff, by self-righteous parasitic work-programme advisors, by patronizing free-loading private landlords (who grasp even more rent off their housing benefit tenants than their cash-paying ones), and by the secretary of hate for work and pittances himself.

obviously were the incredibly dodgy sociologist to be set-up in the artificial position of making-do on 53 quid-a-week by some reality suppressive tv-show, he would, being the original mr smug, always know in his heart-of-hearts that he was the millionaire minister of preaching-to-the-poverty-stricken and would chirpily cheap it out for a couple of weeks - possibly periodically popping over the garden-fence to the fully-loaded in-laws for rounds of cucumber sandwiches and bridge...

...however, surviving long-term on benefits for year-upon-miserable-year, whilst observing all the nitty petty life-restricting rules and supporting young children, is a different cup of tea altogether...

...so what would be really nice, would be to find a means of levying a surcharge on the mad-cap minister so as to recover the millions of pounds of tax-payers' money which is currently being mindlessly squandered defending iain's elasticated ego in the british courts - because then he could be bust-to-rights, bankrupted and have his mock-tudor homestead seized by the council in order for it to be relet back to him for the tidy sum of say £5300-a-week rent...

...and naturally, the accidental indigent would have deductions made to his jobseeker's allowance for each and every unoccupied room which anti-socially graced his grandly state-subsidized mansion.

ping.

 

the balance of bollox

in common with many hypocritical self-righteous fascists in britain, our most dear and beloved home secretary, st theresa dismay, continues to whinge-on about the uk appeal court's refusal to deport abu qatada as if this legal decision constituted the greatest injustice ever to befall any sovereign state anywhere in the world ever in history - yet she and her fellow gripers are blitzingly quick to forget that the only reason for this notorious individual gaining a political platform, and ensuant accessory power, is the commitment of former governments, left and right, to fully disregard the human rights of muslims in the middle-east by waging upon them devastating neo-colonialist oil-wars and by supporting hideously repressive dictators throughout the wider region; indeed, it seems anathema to the home secretary even to contemplate acceptance that the earlier illegal decision, made by herself and her empire-greedy peers, to invade iraq and murder countless thousands of civilians in cold blood, has sown such sour seeds of discontent as to hasten the promotion of a multitude of abu qatadas in the making.

considering our country's long form for warmongering crimes against muslim populations, surely it is but a small moral price for us to pay that we must now diligently safeguard this anti-western cleric, here in our bosom, until the end of his days, or until such time as he chooses, of his own volition, to fuck off somewhere more hospitable? (and to be fair, i'm bound to propose that the same immigration criteria should be applied to all prospective citizens whose countrymen we have historically oppressed and exploited)

by way of a final thought on the matter, i truly cannot help surmising that were ms dismay's home-sweet-home to take a direct missile-hit from a royal air force fighter-jet which completely wiped-out members of her entire extended family whilst merrily engaged in the celebration of a loved-one's nuptials, it would do wonders for her personal professional ability to weigh the value of an innocent human life against the inalienable right of a british cabinet minister to talk absolute blind-bulletshit in the houses of parliament.

monsieur hop-lit hollande dit: «tant pis» as white rebels stage coup against south african government

ah oui oui oui, french president, françois frogleg, has determinedly assumed a tant pis policy vis-à-vis the ousting of democratic governments en afrique; seasoned international observers readily admit that frogleg really knows his oignons when it comes to sorting out conflicts in places he permits black guys to run...


en bref:

le petit empereur has obstinately sat on his hands during the recent overthrow of (south-african backed) president bozizé of the central african republic...

...and now he's also refused point blanc to sanction french military intervention in south africa itself, allowing white revolutionaries carte blanche to re-introduce apartheid across the former rainbow democracy (where god conveniently chose to bury the pot of gold in the white-backyard) and effectively sentencing chief-troublemaker nelson main-dealer to be locked back up on the robben island retirement-resort...

...but obviously eff eff (as he's affectionately known en angleterre) is still piling (black) troops willy-nilly into the malian desert to fight the islamist insurgents because those arab guys just ain't got a fucking clue about fashion and are thus in serious danger of offending les sensibilités françaises...

ooh là là

spark up! artsflash exclusive: iain slasher smith to audition for rustic reality tv show

as ever here at spark up! high-command, we strive to keep abreast of the news that no-one else will touch and ahead of the stories no-other-bugger even dreamt existed - and today we can reveal to the world the pithy pre-production details of a ground-breaking new soap-cum-sitcom which is set to take mainland british tv by storm...

...sources suggest that the proposed working-title for this forthcoming series is the would life - which, described in terms falling well within the mental-grasp even of an educationally-retarded conservative cabinet minister, is destined to be a revamped documentary-style version of that cherished seventies classic, the good life (but with a sadistic satirical twist), and will remorselessly track, nay stalk, the ups-and-downs of two resilient rural families, one an established brick of the english landed-gentry (inhabiting a two-million-quid tudor mansion in buckinghamshire), the other a household of immigrant romanian stock (resident in local-council-accommodation down the other end of the village), as they both face up to the identical fundamental problem of living, loving and surviving in 21st century bread-line britain without being permitted the luxury of any recourse to public funds whatsoever (whether this funding be via state benefits or government salary)...

...industry insiders are reporting that the rab c nesbitt team are rabidly bidding for the contract to play the reviled romanian clan, and that the family of an as-yet-unspecified government minister is being hotly tipped to fly the flag for the great british aristocracy, or so rumour has it...

...well, don't know about you guys...? but i'm sure rearing to get stuck into this one when it finally reaches our screens.

genial mr genocide joins the congo conga club

when david cameron soon slides his former chief whip into position as european commisioner, andrew mitchell will be following furtively in the footsteps of those down the centuries who have manipulated mineral-rich african governments before him.

read keith harmon snow's exposé about the murder and mayhem in congo which has long been orchestrated by cynical western exploitation of african resources:

gertler’s bling bang torah gang - israel and the ongoing holocaust in congo (part 1)

also learn how the european commission commands a place at the heart of this darkness:

congo's president joseph kabila: dynasty or travesty?

iain citizen smith recommends rebellion

...yes, honest...according to the daily wellygraph, our beloved secretary of hate is furiously fanning the flames of revolution right under his own backside...well i suppose everyone claiming benefits knew that already - they just didn't realize he was doing so deliberately, as part of some weird ritualistic auto-da-fé; in fact, rumours are rampant in parliament that he hasn't trimmed his twin tufts for a good fortnight, and is not planning to visit his exclusive gentlemen's barbers until his hair reaches down to his shoulders...

...and frankly it's not hard to imagine that, during those dull interludes between wanking wildly over the latest benefit-savings figures, he's probably busy designing pro-active websites like boycott workfare - which, i have to admit, is really rather professional, not-to-mention extremely helpful...

...obviously if there is a revolution, mr smith will be the first minister down to the barricades with his antique shot-gun, humanely putting angry hungry rioters out of their misery...thus cutting down unemployment expenditure and conveniently rescuing the country from the reds in the run-up to a general election which he and his mates have otherwise done everything conceivably possible to lose...

...naturally, having ballsed-up the work programme (leaving a lingering legacy which may cost the government billions of pounds in court-costs and bureaucracy as civil servants struggle to re-imburse the thousands of britons who have been illegally deprived of their jobseeker's allowance), and having also been caught wilfully stamping on the souls of the poor by incompassionately targeting the disabled and elder-generations with a spare-box-room tax, the redoubtable mr smith is now desperately seeking to impress the non-benefit-claiming taxpayer by waging war on immigrants claiming welfare - despite the fact that:

• neither immigrants nor students wish to travel to a country which has no job-prospects.
   
• immigration will probably be negligible by 2015 due to the interminable recession.
   
• non-benefit-claiming taxpayers (even the racist ones) do not give a hoot who gets their benefits cut, just so long as someone gets clobbered, with a resultant reduction in general taxation - although, knowing our greedy self-aggrandizing governments, the non-benefit-paying tax-payers may be in for a bit of a nasty shock on that account...

...i suppose mr smith could additionally be trying cynically to curry favour with non-immigrant non-taxpaying benefit-claimants, but the secretary of hate's belligerent dogmatism towards welfare claimants has almost certainly already ensured that almost every briton who has ever claimed a benefit, ever, will now be allergic to the conservative party for all time...

...and so whilst we cheer on this obsessive sado-masochist as he strides cockily toward the electoral guillotine over the corpses of the too-low-born-to-be-bothered-with, let us ponder one final philosophical gem which he has bountifully granted us at tax-payers' expense - namely mr smith's assertion that the mandated members of our british workfare-force are not 'real slaves' such as those in third-world countries permanently indentured to poverty by the neo-colonialist policies of his greedy and oppressive government...

...perhaps then mr smith would care to enlighten us as to what shade of 'slaves' these unpaid workfarers actually belong?  imaginary slaves?  metaphysical slaves?  purely hypothetical slaves?

...and i presume moreover that mr smith would be unconditionally thrilled to authorize the participation of his own dear children in this politically patent non-slavery...for say, two years...in a beef-burger processing-plant...or some other such industrial pillar of the community...

...on-the-other-hand, if this anti-migration minister and his multi-national chums get their wicked old culturally-discriminative way and are permitted to promote their 'free-market' of compartmentalized national prisons, an altogether more meet experience of the duncan smith reality-game-show would be to spend life chained to a romanian slaughterhouse, for a pittance...

...good grief, one truly wonders whether mr iain lock-down smith appreciates the traditional permeating process through which the human race came to inhabit these insignificant little islands in the first place...?

spark up! beastly bye-election special

...and in a constituency where the number-one topic of conversation was race...err sorry i mean immigration...the officially ratified contest results for talking-about-immigration-without-being-racist are as follows:

1st:  liberally demoralized party (scoring 32%)

2nd:  manic street protest party  (scoring 28%)

3rd:  cunts                                   (scoring 25%)

4th:  arseholes                             (scoring 10%)

ah well mmm yes...the winners pulling off a remarkable victory there considering they spent the bulk of their time and energy trying to talk about lord grinhard without giving an actual physical demonstration of punching his head...for despite disaster looming, campaign organizers nevertheless rallied courageously to the liberal cause and cleverly co-ordinated to exploit a loophole in local regulations allowing the not-really-racist-card to trump the sex-card...

...and also a good showing for the radicals seizing second place, the politically unkempt party - i hear they have signalled the start of the bronze revolution by setting fire to barbecues across the european riviera...

...and then third place...oh dear...what with the liberal heirarchy laid-out in hospital on a life-support machine after inopportunely falling victim to a vicious internecine drive-by incident...very disappointing, the ruling tribe must feel thoroughly ashamed of themselves...

...and finally...not making the podium this time 'round...a party which will be rapidly seeking to woo the conservatives into a coalition of contrasts in order to keep the new-suits factor out of power...

so no, it's not racist to talk about immigration, although preventing the romanian race from accessing opportunities equal to those enjoyed by all other european races would, on the face of it, appear to be a dab dodgy ethically...perhaps however we're looking at this problem the wrong way around...you see, european immigration legislation discriminates wholesale against all non-european races: the african one, the american one, the australian one, the asian one, and that one to which people who are born on pacific islands belong...and perhaps therefore we should be asking not how we can make the romanian race equal to all the non-european races of the world, but rather how (in the interests of a global free-market) we can make all the non-european races of the world equal to the european one...

...just a thought...

...and here's another: is the conservative party a christian one?

spark up! newsflush special:playground politics re-emerge in parliament

on the premise that compulsory taxation, in particular the class-discriminatory variety, is fundamentally immoral, spark up! today sought ed sillibugger's opinion as to whether the sum of two 'wrongs' is a 'right'; ed was sadly unavailable for official comment, but the general force of his of hypothesis appears to be:

'snot a stupid tax - mi yard in't worth quite that much see...nah-nah-na-nah-nah

and

it's them wot started it, sir

this blog apologizes for not predicting the proposal of this labour tat-policy in retaliation for the original conservative tit-policy.

dunkin' double-standard smith bites back

i don't exactly understand why our beloved secretary of state for sardines has rushed to repond to criticism of his welfare-reform policies and in doing so constructed a defence so full of holes that it makes emmental cheese look like a more effective substitute...but he sure has...and whilst it oh-so-perceptively addresses the hitherto altogether unexamined issue of overspending labour-fuckwits, it wholly fails to address his own dogmatically heartless and hypocritical attitude towards the less well-orff in our communities...

...and bearing in mind that spark up! stands for the abolition of the welfare-state, every form of compulsory taxation, and all government generally (since the genuinely free-market, along with basic common-sense-and-decency, can go far further towards remedying social, financial and spiritual ills than any brain-dead bunch of dictating 'democratic' demagogues), i here reproduce, thanks to the spite-facilitator, the right honourable iain duncan smug's open letter to ed militant in its full and unexpurgated glory:

Rt Hon Ed Miliband MP

House of Commons

London

SW1A 0AA

February 2013

Dear Ed,

We would both agree that social housing is invaluable for the hundreds of thousands people in the United Kingdom who need help and support in getting accommodation.

With 2 million households in England on housing waiting lists and 250,000 families living in over-crowded accommodation, I am sure you would agree the need to tackle the issue is pressing and deserves to be debated in Parliament.

But what we saw from you at Prime Minister’s Questions yesterday was not an attempt to engage in a constructive discussion on how to address the problem of helping people find suitable housing, rather it appeared to be a pathetic exercise in political point scoring and scare mongering that does not help one single person, child or parent move any closer to having the home they need.

Your description of this as a ‘bedroom tax’ says more about your lack of understanding of how Housing Benefit works than anything else. This government is restoring fairness to a welfare system that was left in dire straits following thirteen years of Labour Government. One of the many steps we are taking is bringing housing benefit and social housing back into line with the private sector, so you only receive a payment for the number of rooms you need.

The truth is that after years under the last Labour Government, where this problem was allowed to grow out of control, it is the Coalition Government that has decided something must be done. You should know that local authority housing waiting lists rose from 1 million in April 1997 to 1.8million in April 2010. You should also know that by April 2010, house building in this country had fallen to its lowest peacetime levels since the 1920s, with the number of social rented housing stock falling by 421,000 units from 1997 to 2010. These are problems that we are having to deal with in government and try our best to resolve. To do that we have invested £19.5billion in affordable housing and will deliver 170,000 new affordable homes by 2015.

Given the last government, of which you were a member, failed comprehensively to deal with the housing problem, I would have thought you would have been the last to criticise what we are doing to alleviate the crisis you left behind. Nearly one third of working age social housing tenants on Housing Benefits are living in accommodation that is too big for their needs. That equates to nearly a million spare rooms currently being paid for by taxpayer and denying hundreds of thousands of people the chance to adequately house their family.

I am sure you would agree that every family deserves the chance to be housed comfortably. I would hope that you would also agree that the hard working tax payer who has to make tough choices of their own about what sort of property they can afford to live in, should not be paying for what is effectively a benefit subsidy for empty rooms.

At no time in the last 2 years and 9 months have you explained how you would deliver your 2010 manifesto commitment which stated very clearly that Housing Benefit would be “reformed to ensure that we do not subsidise people to live in the private sector on rents that other ordinary working families could not afford.” Your colleague, the Shadow Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Liam Byrne MP as forced to admit last year that the cost of Housing Benefit – at £20billion a year – was too high and you admitted last year that Labour in Government “didn’t do enough” on housing and that you “don’t have a solution for this”.

However, despite this admission, you sought to play politics with this issue. Yesterday, you referenced two cases of vulnerable people without making any mention of the fact this government has made £155million available to Local Authorities through Discretionary Housing Payments so that those very people you speak about can be helped make any adjustment necessary.

The use of individual case studies may provide political sound bites, but I must tell you that in every local community there are case studies about children having to stand to do their homework and others sharing bedrooms with their parents and baby siblings. You seem to have failed to be concerned about their plight, caused by the last Labour government’s housing failings which we are now trying to rectify.

The changes we are making are ensuring that our social housing stock is used as evenly as it can be so as many people as possible can access this invaluable resource.

I remind you that the Labour government you were part of, left us with a housing benefit bill which almost doubled in 10 years to £20billion and under your own forecasts would have risen to over £25billion by 2014-15, as well as over-crowded housing and an appallingly low level of house building. Not a legacy I would have thought you would have wanted reminding of.

Yours,

Iain

yesseree, the confessions of a confused man, who's never had the plebeian pleasure of dwelling in an inner-city council-flat, i'd say...

• in the first paragraph, the secretary of state commits himself to social housing, yet his government is not committed to financing the development of council houses - it merely proposes a programme enabling the building of affordable homes, most of which will be utterly unaffordable for minimum-wage earners.


• in the second paragraph, the secretary of state begins to lay the foundations for his masterplan to cram 2 million households, including 250000 in already over-crowded housing, into the notoriously tight drums provided by the cheap-skate architecture of state-funded estates.


• in the third paragraph, the secretary of state accuses ed hi-tax-band of pathetic political point-scoring...and then proceeds to spend much of the remaining letter doing precisely the same thing.


• in the fourth paragraph, the secretary of state indicates that [we plebs] should only receive a payment for the number of rooms [we plebs] need - obviously implying, in light of his proposals, that, unlike people of his class, we plebs don't for example require a study-room from which we can strive to better ourselves.


• in the seventh paragraph, the secretary of state affirms that every family deserves to be housed comfortably, yet apparently thinks nothing of ramming lodgers into historically cramped council accommodation.


• in the seventh paragraph, the secretary of state refers to the hard-working tax-payer who is paying for the so-called "spare-bedrooms", yet absurdly fails to grasp the glaring fiscal fact that his own blatantly discriminatory policy will inevitably and adversely affect hard-working tax-payers on low-wages who currently claim housing or council-tax benefits, not-to-mention those recently unemployed claimants who have for many years previously been, what he divisively terms, "hard-working tax-payers" - does the secretary of state not respect "hard-working tax-payers" who are content to provide services to the british public in return for low wages?


• in the seventh paragraph, the secretary of state refers to the "hard-working tax-payer", yet appears too bashful to admit that his labour-intensive work-programme has now transformed the unemployed classes into captives of industry, if not actual masters of their own material productivity.


• in the eighth paragraph, the secretary of state admits by implication that he does not believe in subsidizing benefit-claiming tenants in the private sector who pay rents that other ordinary working families could not afford - so are we to infer that the secretary of state believes ordinary working people should not be able to afford accommodation in the private-sector?


• in the ninth paragraph, the secretary of state underlines his government's generosity by confirming that £155 million has been made available to cover the cost of booting folks out of their homes - charming, neither do i recall hitler sending jewish citizens the bill for their train-fare to auschwitz.


• in the tenth paragraph, the secretary of state claims that in every local community there are case studies about children having to stand to do their homework and others sharing bedrooms with their parents and baby siblings - so does this maxim hold true in the secretary of state's own local community in leafy swanbourne, buckinghamshire?


• in the eleventh paragraph, the secretary of state describes social housing as a valuable resource - why therefore do his fellow cabinet members not pile-in and invest hundreds of billions of pounds in building more traditional council housing, as they undoubtably would do were the valuable resource some rare metallic commodity on the stock-exchange?

to the wider-minded british population (which, to be fair, broadly tolerates the wealth-waving antics of public-school-brats like income drunken smith), the condescending manner in which the secretary of state professes to be intimately apprised of the box-dimensions deemed socially-fitting for the likes of common state-educated scum must truly be gob-smacking; perhaps, instead of lording-it-up in posh london hotels or swanky state-subsidized pieds-à-terre, our members of parliament could, for the sake of the economy, try over-nighting in the wild wanton extravagance of a spare-room in a council-flat on hackney's pembury estate...?

i, dodos - the chingford nobhead

in terms of tactical character assassination, the basic problem with this unashamedly, yet somehow endearingly enlightening, left-wing-slanted slagging site, is its phenotypical predisposition to attack the politician due to disgust at his politics, rather than attacking his politics due to disgust at the politician; one could, you see, spend silly time speculating as to whether, for instance, the secretary of state for shirk and pencil-sharpening is:

a) in any conceivable way a productive member of british society

b) nobbing his sexy parliamentary assistant

c) proud to have served a cushy-tour in zimbabwe (overseeing the former british colony's transition from a whites-only paradise to a black-on-black battlefield hell) as aide-de-camp to a british major-general who was previously intimately involved in the genocidal operation against kikuyu tribesmen in kenya during the "mau mau" independence struggle

d) confident that he was, in accordance with his own sponge-crushing criteria, fully deserving of the unemployment benefit which he claimed back in the early 1980s

e) comfortable with having married into the antiquation of a wealthy aristocratic family, which effectively owns an entire buckinghamshire village, lock-stock-and-smoking-barrel, thanks to a swash-buckling naval ancestor who was baroneted for empire-and-booty-building efforts including his military contribution to maintaining jamaica as a british slave-colony

f) looking forward to a rainbow vista of full multi-cultural employment in britain - where black people will no longer be socially-suppressed and conveniently tucked away in state-subsidized inner-city ghettos, but will, conversely, be gainfully occupied licking his wellies clean of aylesbury vale mud and otherwise generally attempting to forever secure their own small corner of idyllic english heritage by breeding-up his daughters and snaring-'n-snatching his sons

however i will resist such sordid temptation and stick solely and religiously to the subject of the politics that the secretary of state espouses...

for starters, i'm bound to remark upon the pointless nature of criticizing the secretary of state's desire to decimate the benefit system, for it is, after all, a government's customary prerogative to decide where and how to spend our hard-earned tax-monies (that's why one elects the arseholes into office in the first place, is it not?) and, in any case, the compulsory charity enshrined within the welfare-state has done little to bring communities together, quite the reverse, in fact - which is why the united kingdom is so financially, physically and emotionally defunct; please remember that, although the welfare-state was originally the well-intentioned brainwave of those wishing to eradicate poverty, parliament introduced the relevant social legislation at a time when the public had grown used to leading an almost anarchic war-time existence, and when the deadly toll of taking the british population into two devastating, yet ultimately avoidable, world wars had drastically reduced confidence in the absurdly incompetent ruling elite - so as it is for many beleaguered commonwealth immigrants today, the welfare state was, for the common man of post-war britain, essentially a bung of blood-money that bought-off a brewing class-revolution; much of the normal world would ridicule our obsession with automatic entitlement to unearned security, but would nevertheless relate closely to our anger at the posh parasitic public-school pirates whose government policies deliberately discriminate against and exploit enormous sections of society, both at home and abroad, and constitute, alongside the crucial collaborating influence of social ignorance, the prime root cause of the endemic poverty which we have subsequently sought to alleviate through the benefit-system.

therefore, it's not necessarily a question of the secretary of state's precise policies that we're dealing with here, but a question of his motivation for effecting them; if the cuts to public-services are strictly ideological and 'for our own good', then why were they not made during the effluent eighties, when the yuppy champagne was being pissed down the pan, or in the 'booming' noughties, when tings could only get better? furthermore, at a time when a decreased tax-burden would be a surefire boon and boost to our flagging economy, why are public-health and social-security benefit-services being degraded without a corresponding reduction being made in taxation? i mean, how are we meant to source private health-care, private education, and private insurance when we are still paying through the nose for government services which are barely extant? lower taxes are probably the only reasonable remedy for the woes of our economy, yet apparently they're not propitious for the government slush-fund which fills the gaping gobs of our lords and masters at ministerial feeding-time.

the middle-classes used to complain about 'paying twice' when choosing to opt for private healthcare and education, but bizarrely the dire condition of state healthcare and education will now force everyone to 'go private' and to 'pay twice' - once for a service which no longer truly exists, and once for a service which has been set-up by cabinet ministers' business-boss-mates to catch the desperate deluge departing from state provision and cash-in; the conservative politician's fundamental rationale for privatization is no longer ideological, it is clearly cynically commercial; you got it - the public pay twice, the politicians get paid twice.

yes, it's all very well cutting unemployment benefits, but the british privileged classes, whatever jolly canvas they may paint, simply don't want to let darkies and other socially-disenfranchized groups get their feet anywhere near the real establishment or employment ladder - at least, not before those keen underclassed candidates have first crawled on their hands-and-knees, slurped cock, and sold both their own and their brothers' souls to the great white hegemony in the rich-man's mind's-eye - and best don't count the ('successful') likes of celebs such as diane abbott and barack obama - they're just fluke figments of their own furtive imaginations.

yes, it's all very well cutting unemployment benefits, but fossilizing red-tape and suffocating taxation make it pretty much impossible to make a legitimate go of a small business in britain today.

how then are the deliberately disenfranchized classes to afford private-sector-services?

the secretary of state favours bullying those on the jobcentre work-programme because he loves the powerful buzz it gives him, and because it drives cheap labour in the direction of his accomplices ready-and-waiting in the manipulative mercantile employment-market.

the secretary of state favours absolute immigration-control because it creates, for the benefit of unscrupulous firms, an inevitable indetectable sub-class of illegal immigrants who can be used-and-abused below the minimum-wage without legal recourse to any official employment tribunal.

what next, sir? job-seekers on work-programme treadmills generating environmentally-friendly electricity for parliament and the civil-service? perhaps, to raise production-levels, you might give your job-gerbils a free-organic-lunch from supermarket left-overs, but obviously 'the perk' would have to be deducted from weekly-benefit payments as 'grub in lieu of cash'.

to the secretary of state, the social-justice of equality, sex and race legislation, combined with the welfare-system, comprises a handy head-guard (such as worn by sparring boxers) for the less-advantaged in society - allowing him and his peers liberal licence to punch the crap out of their customers without any fear of causing actual bodily harm; it's all sinister psycho-ops, antagonism and intimidation.

does he care?

does he fuck.

so he went to a local comp...what does he want?a fucking medal?

ed miliband's just another flunky of the evil elite which exploits life on earth for its own nepotistic and nefarious ends, but no-one dares say so...it seems that children of holocaust survivors are somehow silently conferred a mystical aura of criticism-rebuffing requisite reverence which, contrarily, is not bestowed upon those whose predecessors rode out the ravages of such horror as produced by the transatlantic slave-trade and colonialism; like the inheritance of inordinate family wealth, this manner of automatic privilege is prone to breeding a conceited culture of condescension towards those who are not chosen to stand in the magic circle of sophisticated society - and in the case of ed miliband, his contempt for the citizens of less prosperous civilizations is painfully apparent in his blithe support for acts of aggressive military intervention aimed at controlling, ultimately unto annihilation, an unhappy uppity underclass, arbitrarily manufactured by the dictates of his wonderfuelled world.

clipped words

oh dearie me, those leftie lounge-lizards over on the slag don't like it up 'em... i watched, in horror, as the following clarifying observation, made by ed bulliband, in reply to carys' comment on the cameron doomed (2): the lies and pernicious times of rupert murdoch thread, was summarily and callously deleted:

clegg? no, no, no...we're not jumping on that clapped-out old wheel-challenged wagon - in fact, our (not so new) strategy will comprise the head-butting of immigrants (until they see sense and return to their countries of origin) and a general comfy comfy supportive approach to the present government's neo-colonialist outrages, whether they be committed in west africa, east africa, the middle east or boris' backyard fiefdom, inner london...

...ultimately smoothing the grubby electoral ground for an historic labour coalition with errr...ukip, dear.

stop press

the following enlightening observation made by the (botched) resurrection of adolf - an nwo production, in reply to simoncz's comment on the slag's cameron doomed (2): the lies and pernicious times of rupert murdoch thread, was conveniently erased from ward history:

"lord only knows how you calculate the value of a cured person which must be why it isn’t done.
but the benefit tends to get left out of the conversation."

i know, i know - if only our government could get a grasp of what realsocialismus all about ist; we used to have a spitze nationalistische health service in deutschland, but tragicallisch, was mein rescuing ambulanze driver geshotten by an over-zealous ss officier who was only following of ze orders relating to 'urbanische speed limitatzions' (or as we simply say in the mother-tongulation, die geschwindigkeitsbegrenzung) before he could to get me to our nice spik-spanking, world-beatings brains surgery theater, which was buried in 'nem bunker located unter den linten trees.

stop stop press

the following revelation made by pierre bowlerdash, in reply to braindirt's comment on the slag's cameron doomed (2): the lies and pernicious times of rupert murdoch thread, was ignorantly incinerated and exorcized:

oh god yes...it's the same guy init? it all fits in...sporadic attendance in the house of commons, pops over between inauguration ceremonies to show his face...betya he becomes prime minister shortly after obama leaves office...

apparently he's not 'black' but 'post-racial'...gee, he must fit into the tory party like a sore box-tick...every time he enters conservative central headquarters the scene must resemble a trailer for stanley kubrick's 2001: a spaceman arriving back on earth from 4000 years in the future, hailed by the jibber-jabbering screeching of a bunch of primordial effing apes.

write to rant

spark up! has always stood firm as an unreserved proponent of freedom of expression (albeit largely for my own personal practition) and this most probably accounts for the frustrating fact that this blog has never made a single fucking penny - nevertheless, some bright tit in the editorial department has come up with the ripping ruse of giving the most downtrodden, vulnerable and oppressed in our society the opportunity to reply to establishment slurs and smear-campaigns...and then charging the poor blighters up for the privilege of accessing the hugely intellectual and influential spark up! audience...

...so without further ado, let me introduce our very first vict...sorry i mean guest...and the chap without a happy lot who's going to fill tonight's slot is the well-fitted-up former secretary of state for international despoilment, government chief blip, and current member of parliament for scrotum collarfield, mr randy "gnasher" switchell:

oh jolly good, may one commence wanting* now mr spark up? ok, ya, here goes...

well, the events in question took place on the evening of the 19th september last year...you see, after a hard day's graft whipping the old boys into anti-social action, i left my orifice in the palace of promise-and-political-perfection, as per normal...and had just perchanced to mount my rather prim-and-poofy old cambridge college bike, whom i affectionately call 'dave'...when i said to dave: "dave, my dear, do you wish to leave the palace of promise-and-political-perfection via the big-wide-black-easy-peasy main square gate or via the tight-little-pain-in-the-arse-iggerly-fidderly footmen's rectangular side-gate"...and, blinking up at me with those incredulously lashful lewd lamps of his, dave replied: "oh randy darling, do let's go through the big-wide-black-easy-peasy main square gate to which we are so arrogantly and aloofly accustomed...i do so love going through the big-wide-black-easy-peasy main square gate, it makes me feel so mmm...you know...very important...and on-tops, i don't want you getting-off prematurely before we reach our snuggly-buggly home-sweet-home-from-home"...and hence, not wishing to disappoint dave by slipping out of the palace of promise-and-political-perfection via the tight-little-pain-in-the-arse-iggerly-fidderly footmen's rectangular side-gate and then getting-off prematurely in the prurient presence of members of the voting public, i duly proceeded, perched astride dave, in an east-south-easterly direction towards well-wicked whitehaul and the wild-willie-wanton-wonderland of do-as-one-damn-well-pleases...now, standing before the big-wide-black-easy-peasy main square gate (and freedom to do all those naughty nasty nymphotic things we so wanted to) stood the law...and so i boldy approached and said to the law: "please oh please may dearest dave and i leave the palace of promise-and-political-perfection via the big-wide-black-easy-peasy main square gate to which we are both so arrogantly and aloofly accustomed"...and the law (whose name began with a 'b' and whose bonce was amply appointed with brazen beruffled blond hair and perniciously punctuated with a brace of beady blue button-like eyes) said unto me "no, not now, buzz orff and use the bleedin' pleb-gate like every-bugger-else you bloody barefaced bourgeois bumboy and watch you don't ride that crappy-creaking-old-clapped-out contraption on the pavement, or i'll have you banged-up in belgravia beastall before you can say 'nick robinson'"...

...good grief, as you can no doubt imagine, i was flummoxed, flabbergasted and flaming-well flipped...and, mindful of the irreversible emotional damage which could have been visited upon dave's tender feelings, i set most assiduously to verbally accosting the law in somewhat uncertain but nonetheless copiously colourful terms...and, as luck would have it, the law did indeed threaten to apprehend me upon that very specifical spot, and was on the brimming brink of impounding my dearest darling dave in the deep-dark-dank shed of no-electoral-return, when i began pleading for judicial clemency so profusely, politely and with such persistent plaintive, nay boot-slobbering-and-grovelling, pathos that the law, instead, produced from his bulging breeches-pocket an enormous great lead-pencil, with which he thankfully did not batter me, but pointedly and industriously began to inscribe, upon a long-long-long strong scroll of standard-issue civil-service lavatory-paper, the exact tempestuous tirade of unexpurgated excited expletives which had recently spewed so reflexively and incriminatingly from my unwittingly licentious lips...and then it did happen...the grievous gravity of the matter-in-hand exploded across the horizon of my consciousness, flashing and crashing like a sterilizing thunderbolt through the unrevealed future of my costly pre-washed curriculum vitae...and before i even became aware of the action, my fingers were tip-tip-tapping out a desperate distress-tune on a blue-rinsed blackberry, hastily yet somehow instinctively making conservative arrangements for an unmarked brown van to pull up smartish outside the exclusive private pimlico residence of saint bernard shagun-ho, in order to discreetly deliver a suitcase jammed full of untraceable fifty-note bills accompanied by the massed bare-boobies of the brazilian women's rugby union squad, all tastefully topped-off with a bursting bin-liner of finest white colombian coco...and i truly believe that this assorted box of sweeties did do the desired trick...for the law, as if deferring to an unseen providential power from above, stayed his enormous great big leaden pencil and abruptly employed the rubber adorning its elevated extremity to erase the jaw-dropping job-stopping 'p'-word, which i had so rawly and recklessly ejaculated...charitably changing it from a crude farmyard four-letter form...to a five-letter latin noun abbreviated in the plural...proving beyond any unreasonable doubt that the official record of the accidental ad-hoc meeting was in truth of fact altered by the law...and that, equipped with a fully-loaded classical education, our own profoundly diplomatic protection group is a force with which to be reckoned around the world...

...ergo, forthwith and without additional ceremony, whilst dave was being duly relieved of his puny pneumatic pump, i was routinely frisked then fleeced of my wallet, cash, cards and spanking-new phone...and feeling owed some manner of salutary explanation following this cruel, yet oddly cathartic episode, i turned to the law and enquired: "everyone desires to escape to well-wicked whitehaul and the wild-willie-wanton-wonderland of do-as-one-damn-well-pleases, so how is it that in all these years no-one else has demanded to exit this way?" the law saw that i was dying to get out of the palace of promise-and-political-perfection, and, to afford me as brief an answer as was professionally possible bawled: "no-one else insists on leaving through here, since this gate was designed especially for you two. i’m now going to open it - so fuck off you pair of batty bent brainless bastards and don't come back until the british people have balloted to remove your butts, belongings and berkshire bullshit, you clueless class-corrupted conniving cunts"...

...and accordingly, i hurried straight home to oil poor dave's rusty rear sprocket.

*roughly translated from the now largely obscure eaton-cheese dialect, this means 'ranting' - for ease of reading, the remainder of this passage has been pre-interpreted by the spark up! editorial staff.

angel of death (uk) inc

as if the united kingdom didn't have enough enemies already, our neo-colonialist government has launched yet another mission in africa to create a few more for us...

yes, that's right, instead of concentrating on lowering taxation and promoting the growth of our homegrown manufacturing industry, dave "the jackdaw" cameron has decided to invest in the malignant manufacture of a spot of terrorism over in mali - namely, by engaging in a joint venture with french president, mad frankie holocaust, to clear the sahara desert of hotheads whom france, britain and the cia have riled-up to rebellion in the first place (primarily through the cynical western backing of oppressive régimes in the wider region); obviously there are bound to be lucrative multi-national contracts for extracting oil, gas or other (rare) mineral resources at the bottom line of this immoral intervention in local african business - if it were just about sand, we could simply have invaded the normandy beaches again.

ok, so no-one's trying to pretend that the al-qaeda organization in the islamic maghreb (essentially a group in exile opposing the algerian government, who have now taken control of the malian insurrection) are a kind and cuddly lot, but in the world of quantum power-politics, there exists a hard-and-fast empirical constant which states that revolutionaries are only ever as bad as the dictators who pissed them off to start with; like al-shabaab, in somalia, aqim were practically dormant as a military force around 2005, however, as was the tragic case in somalia, wholly unnecessary western interference (as exemplified by the united states' flintlock special-forces exercizes) and alleged false-flag kidnapping of european aid-workers by shadowy satellite factions has served to radicalize and smear the group beyond all recognition - leaving one to speculate as to whether the cia played a rôle in kindling this conflict and, in turn, to doubt the purported humanitarian motivation behind american, french and british involvement in the entire west african arena.

after all, when it suits western nations (as evident in libya, syria and the ivory coast), they are quite happy to enlist the support of al qaeda and other islamist factions in their dubious quest to overthrow despots deemed a danger to their own people and the world in general, yet if al qaeda happens to fall-out on the other side of the west-versus-anti-west equation, it is demonized mercilessly.

western policy towards al qaeda seems to be guided by political convenience rather than by any consistent framework of principle - and this therefore begs the following fundamental questions: what really is al qaeda? who actually controls it? what are its exact aims? and (most importantly) does it truly function as a coherent and integrated international organization outside the malicious machiavellian minds of our malevolent western politicians?


* * *

if you found the above piece of interest, please read the following related spark up! blogposts:

sarkozy brands all true frogophobic englishmen as al qaeda

western intervention in somalia causes carnage across africa

hardnut hague backs israel against palestine and supports syria against syria

i don't know who's paying our thigh-slapping finger-flapping foreign secretary to stick his well-powdered nose into these two middle-eastern conflicts, but it surely can't be the british public?  with due respect to the deranged details of these bitter historical disputes, both sides in the syrian civil-war and both in the gazan conflict are gripped in a desperate deathlock and have every intention of rolling over the precipice, taking each other's communities, and any assistant combatants, to a permanent and peaceful settlement on the smooth marble foot-stones of the chasm of no-return.

just because the united kingdom is (supposed to be) pulling out of the war in afghanistan, it does not mean that our government should be finding another arena in which our military can spread indiscriminate carnage - in fact, quite the opposite i would have thought.  the involvement of our armed forces in syria and blatantly biased heavy-handed ministerial interference in gaza can only lead to fatal fall-out with iran and russia - eventually guaranteeing an industrial dose of terror and destruction on the streets of britain's towns and cities, that we might better appreciate the plight of those already under the congressional cosh of the massed cashed cohorts.

hopelessly hamstrung by his own hypocrisy, hague claims: "hamas bears principal responsibility for the current crisis".  well hear this wee willy wonkywall: 'the current crisis' is over half-a-century old and this country's great leaders have contributed to it copiously from its very creation.

no-fly zone over syria?  fuck me hague*, have you ever considered a no-fly zone over gaza, or considered arming the palestinians?  has it ever even crossed your sold-out sense-proof mind to condemn the israelis for their perpetual splitter-splatter of previous war-crimes?  has it ever occurred to you to call the syrian opposition to book for their disregard of human rights?  if the answer to all these questions is a resounding "no", then i suggest you back out sharpish from the whole bloody debate and take your battered boy soldiers with you.

it's more than spark up's life is worth even to contemplate condoning the killing of civilians - whether this be by israelis, palestinians, or either faction in the syrian slaughter - but he-man hague is all for slyly passing the blame for the obliteration of palestinian children onto (guess who?) the palestinians.

from the days of the oxford bullingdon club and the salacious violence-fuelled news-stories of its members' 'bashes' with black call-girls at the rothschilds' extravagant waddesdon manor, one has always taken it as read that cameron, johnson, osbourne and company were the overpaid overdressed overrated and overfed footmen of the israeli government...

...but hague's from an altogether different set, yet dances delicately and deftly to the tel-aviv tune like a real rehearsed pro - so the whiff of a question left wafting in the wasting wind is this: what diffractive goodies do his poppet-masters have on him?

*preferably not

spark up! scores cia-supremo scalp

...such is the power of spark up! that within a mere week of our blog raising concerns over the washington administration's control of the central intelligence agency, cap'n "poker" petraeus has resigned from the directorship of the world's most degenerate spy-department in order to spend more time with his pack of dotty doting bimbos...

...and not only this, but a cursory analysis of comments entered in response to a 2010 spark up! post, entitled petraeus flips-his-flopsider and vows to flush insurgency from white house, shows that the cap'n's predisposition to being abducted by neurotic nazi-nymphos was already raising worrying warning-flags in the white house - indeed, an anonymous administration commenter going under the on-line identity of president obama (commander-in-chief of dormitory arrangements) made clear reference to fears about "the poker" (as he is affectionately known to close friends and colleagues) becoming easy prey to a racial-sterotype of the friskier kind, but (as stereotypes of this nature so often sadly do) the presidential premise proved definitively false and instead poor old "poker" petraeus was, in the event, soundly scuppered by an all-american aryan amazon, a battle-bronzed brunhilda von bismarck, no less...

...of course, stormtrooper brickwall claims to have been jealous of a love-rival flirting in the figure of a 'voluntary social liaison officer' at united states central command, but spark up! has money on this being a case of mistaken identity - and that it's the twin-sister who's actually in the frame...

...so yes, once again the cia is rocked by ripping revelations originating on this very blog - basically because, if a blogger as politically unintelligent as spark up! has worked out what's up, then the pentagon's chief spooks can be pretty damned certain that at least half-the-globe's population already knows the dirty dingy details too...

obama: boss or floss?

let's not beat about the bush here...despite dreaming away four fluffy years in the complacent clouds of ideologically-insulated democratic fairyland, obama does not automatically deserve a second term in sleeping beauty's castle (bavaria, colorado), because, save for his innovation in using civilizing cruise-missiles to radically redesign the humble family abodes of brown folks across afghanistan, his vision in demolishing illiberal libya (together with the lives of a few tens of thousand black and arab africans) in order to make way for the extremist gangland-patchwork of a cia-inspired weaponry-wonderland, his dedication to the task of brutally eradicating a government with an un-american sounding name in somalia, his subversive approval for the toppling of an unaesthetically left-handed chocolate baron in the ivory coast, his bold promotion of black majority rule within the united states prison-system, his commitment to positive discrimination for african-americans wasting-away their lives on the waiting-list for a lethal-injection, and save for his abolition of due respect for archaic bureaucratic civil-rights legislation originally envisaged to prevent the hunting down and slaying of unarmed black youths, the first african-american president hasn't changed a darned-devil-detail of a thing for his fellow humankind, especially those in the poorer divisions. do i hear you cry "racist"? yes? well, err...not really, no i'm not...since i don't in fact believe that any american president has earned a second-helping, and, if the truth be told, none of these war-greedy dictators has ever earned the power which is laid-on with that particular presidency, at all...(except for poor old ronnie reagan, in his younger days a sincere intelligent man with immense political integrity, who obviously could not be held responsible for the war-crimes perpetrated by his subordinate gangsters on account of his grey marble being irretrievably diminished by old age.)

...and now, perversely, fully sated after four years of uninterrupted bloodlust, the vampires in the white house are making righteous overtures of peace toward the middle-east - however, reading such regular rounds of romney-bashing in publications such as the daily telegraph makes one peruse the possibility that president obama has long since secured the tel aviv contract on iran...there again, he might let the israelis go ahead and bust into tehran, but then inexplicably fail to back them up...

...okay, of course...in theory, i'd love the challenger, mister unmittigated, to be given a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to show how his free-market policies could ultimately shake-out the country's encrusted economic cobwebs, thus allowing his private corporate cowboys (instead of obama's public ones) to rob the electorate down to its very last dime...but alas, it must also be recognized that this single-minded single-celled ship's captain is in reality a crafty covert crypto-communist who desires nothing more than to skip the inauguration ball, jump straight into air-force one, and commence playing with his little red button. indeed, mr romney lives in the insidious hope of provoking a pre-emptive israeli attack on iran and subsequently precipitating a worldwide conflict which would see a half-hearted battle-weary north america and a less-than-half-hearted europe valiantly take on a hopping-mad heavily-armed russia, china, middle-east, south america and most of darkest disenchanted disenfranchized africa - with the final result most probably panning out accordingly: after a 20-year-long war, costing billions of lives, the united states would eventually be occupied by the victorious allied defenders of global-freedom and divided into four controlling sectors (the russian sector, the chinese sector, the iranian sector, and the zimbabwean sector) and the capital, washington dc itself, would be divided-up in similar fashion...great britain would suffer a nuclear attack before being surrendered unconditionally by her majesty the queen, although it would later be established that the decisive annihilation of london was actually a case of american friendly-fire...israel would get themselves mugged by their neighbours and demand rehousing from the chinese, to whom they had secretly switched sides before the war (which, you will remember, the israelis had initiated by attacking iran and triggering-off the whole shabang), the united nations would grant israel a charter to take up accommodation on the islands currently known as japan, the japanese would be removed to south korea, south korea would get taiwan, taiwan would...oh shit, i think you get the drift.

by-the-way, what's the betting on the american people voting for a suicide-dingbat who will merrily take most of them with him to republican hell? quite high, i'd imagine...?

...blast it, yeah...basically romney's a wrong-un, a complete nonny no-no - so i suppose we'll just have to return to offering mr obama constructive advice and making helpful yet sensitive criticisms...

to summarize his short but rank reign, the first african-american president has failed to close down guantanamo bay detention centre, but otherwise done sweet fanny adams and even she's getting brassed-off with the lack of material change - once you've seen the contents of one grey suit you've seen them all, apparently. obama claims that muslim people have suffered intolerably at the hands of terrorists, yet conveniently omits to mention that the overwhelming majority of attacks have been clumsily orchestrated by the united states army; obama claims that he stands for freedom of speech, yet, for example, has done nothing, here in britain, to quell the suppressive tactics employed by his henchmen and supporters against those who wish to question his distressingly scarred record on human rights; persistent drone flights over afghanistan and pakistan and their accompanying lightening-strike assassinations are inducing deep psychoses amongst local inhabitants on the ground; obama's presidency has given rise to rebellion and riot throughout the middle east, north africa and even here in little old england - his leadership seems to instigate, not the peaceful civil-rights 'please-be-nice-and-change-your-oppressive-racist-establishment-from-the-inside' kinda protest of the 1960s (from which grew the ideologically futile beanstalk that he himself climbed to grab his meaningless political loot), and not the practical-yet-ethical self-defence type of stand against aggressive authority (as famously proposed by hard-sane independent men of the street, such as mr malcolm x), but rather the violent hate-fuelled revolt of extremists infiltrated then fired-up by agents of the cia and led by the power-gluttonous wannabe-bourgeois government-bitches (and here i use the word 'bitch' in its non-sexist sense), who, frustrated and angry with 9-to-5 career-chosen-cocksucking at the feet of their class-confining-overlords, leave over-remunerated work at weekends to mouth-off in a vicious repartie of reprisal reflected from the mirror of their own immoral folly, inciting the impressionable road-ragged grudge of youth to leap over the revolutionary barricade of bad-emotion and chuck their un-lived lives at the mercy of the unmerciful line-up of state mercenaries (clocked-in colleagues of those same senior pseudo-sunday-agitators, who, afraid of losing the slutty-slot in the system where they prattle and pose, slip-quietly-into-reverse in search of some mythical lost wallet, packed with hard hypocrisy); the epitomy of this syndrome: obama the rebel with a remote...

...and what has his highness to say about the assault on humanity in haiti, and the deliberate deluge which cruelly drowned a coastline of communities in japan? pre-informed rumours circulated halfway 'round the globe in awful anticipation of these cynical crimes - so why the officially sanctioned silence and the mass-media cover-up of a massively misunderstood murder? was there a soupçon of cia involvement, perhaps? or has the president been kept in the dark? and then we must examine the curiously ambushed ambassador in libya, cited as 'a friend of the arabs' - it's inconceivable that the cia did not know their own hoodlums were staging a slickly organized slap-in-the-face-of-america, designed to damage the obama administration. who stood to gain from this act of terror? mr romney? or would hitman clinton maybe consider herself a stiletto shoe-in if the united states were subjected to a short sharp spell of romney ruin...? the main question is: if not the president, who is running the cia? mitt romney? mrs clinton? a foreign nation? no-one?

if mr obama is being undermined by a clandestine inner circle for which he does not have the racial or family 'status' to attain membership, surely he must speak out? if he is being compelled, through malevolent threats, to slaughter the sons and daughters of mother earth and to rape africa and asia of their integral geological riches, surely he should resign and leave office in order to confront his extortionists? if none of the above apply, he must be man enough to carry the can; isn't it strange that there were no accusations of electoral racism when obama was voted into the white house, yet now there is a real chance that he could be voted out, the accusations of racism are flying every-which-way?

as a final gesture of goodwill, we here at spark up! editorial high-command would like to offer president obama a piece of sincere and heartfelt free-advice - namely, that in the event of him being fortunate enough to fluke another four years in office, he should please try to avoid playing the rôle of hillary clintwick's magic broomstick...

...and if he is not duly fated to be re-elected, we can cheerfully console him with the fact that a vacancy could soon arise for the position of coach at norwich city football club.