as ever, spark up! is committed to keeping you fully abreast of all the latest developments in the westminster paddock through the good orifices of our dedicated team of agricultural correspondents which strives at all times to keep its finger on the pulsing penis of british politics - otherwise known as the prime minister...
...and today, via a live conservative cattle-feed, we bring you instant updates of the milky-bar stud's snapshot five-finger government shuffle as he sets about milking britain dry:
- wild willy hague is put out to pasture pending release of nhs funds by jeremy blunt-scalpel for emergency gender-appropriate implant procedures - internal sources report that in influential establishment circles the former foreign secretary was deemed to be neither milkman nor milkmaid and, having failed adequately to demonstrate his status as a real man or real woman, ultimately fell between two toxic tory toadstools, namely michael fulloan and phillip harmonger
- esthetick mcvieh is invited to sit in cabinet to make-up employment numbers, make-over the corpse of the conservative party, and make-out she gives a flying flipsided-fuck about the plight of hard-working women in the uk who do not belong to her cosmeticized class of all the corruptions - in fact, interviewed as one of the budding new cia-vetted implants in the hairy old hierarchical herd, she provided the following revealing insights into farm-boss, dairy dave dachshund's 'milk-round' selection process:
"oh ya, the induction was all rather short-and-sweet, really...dave likes to do it all the old-fashioned way...by hand, you know...it was basically a complex political aptitude test which consisted in him asking me, quite charmingly actually, whether i was a woman...a question which i'm pleased to declare i answered correctly, in the affirmative, of course...then he simply said, 'well get your tits out and you're in darling', and having duly confirmed my qualifications, that was just about that i think...except for the ceremonial appointment to cabinet...which he hastily completed by getting some sort of silly little pink organic cattle-prod out from beneath his desk, where i suppose he'd been hiding the thing away, cheeky boy...and then tapping me lightly on the tip of each tonsil with it, prior to serving me a celebratory vanilla milkshake, in the goblet...ohhh how super it all was, what a great victory for women's rights this has been, what a great day for the conservative party...i'm simply over the moon...and by-the-way, i have to mention this...the pm's so understanding about women's issues too...you see, by the end of the interview, i'd become so nervous i left a big sloppy-wet turd-cake all over the sofa...but d'you know what? to his eternal credit, the guy didn't even blink...he just looked-over and re-instated it as health secretary...what a leader"
- michael "marigold" glove, having made a dog's dinner of national schooling, is to be fed to state pupils in the form of reconstituted porkmeat as part of a drive to teach under-informed british youngsters about the golden-days of 1950s education
- ken "hush-up" clarke-to-the-secret-torture-court, despite boasting an adequate boobsize to remain in post, is put straight out to grass for being a grouchy old sexist ox
- diane abloatt is widely believed to have shown an interest in a position, but after extensive measurement and re-measurement with 'outsize' calipers and imperial rulers, it was found her arse didn't fit