Sunday, 29 June 2014

own goal of the century: lucky at wars, unlucky in sport

tonight, some startling new socio-scientific soccer analysis by professor pinkwinkel brainstove the third:

having once more witnessed the clockwork implosion of the england world-cup football campaign, i felt it my deep patriotic duty to examine in some detail the biological factors which lie behind our boys' brave defeat in the heat of brazil... 
...thus after an intensive spot of research into the genetic make-up of past-and present england squads, which necessitated the exhaustive dna-testing of all our star-players, including a graveyard-shift in order to effect the unauthorized, but wholly unavoidable, exhumation of a few decomposing legends from our glorious past, i have made the utterly astonishing albeit unpolitically correct discovery that our nation's greatest success apparently came in a world footballing competition in the year 1966, when the england team was exclusively drawn from the diminishing pool of white-coloured people resident in the country, and yet since the selection of black-coloured people for the england team, we have never again achieved an international result which in any way compares to the aforementioned monochrome triumph... fact, upon making that incontrovertible deduction, i was about to terminate my investigations altogether and submit my findings to the english footballing association, however, following a swift and sudden free-kick in the bollocks by none other than erstwhile england hero, rio firebrand, i decided to look into the matter further, and upon pain of receiving another penalty-kick in the privates, i proceeded to thoroughly assess and carefully calibrate the physical performance of all england-players over the past five decades... 
...and guess what? it transpired that they were all jolly good professional sportsmen performing at the top of their game, and that no particular squad, whether multi-culturally blessed or unblessed, was significantly or obviously deficient in the talent department... what elusive x-factor is currently missing in the mix? could it perhaps be a non-specific contemporary socio-cultural influence, i asked myself with rio looming defensively in the background, his huge persuasive hand firmly gripping my shoulder and a regulation ref's whistle protruding provocatively from between his lips...? 
...but then suddenly, as if bit on the bum by a lightning-fanged liverpool-chopperholic, i had the answer... 
...yes, i reviewed the revealing televisual footage of our team singing "god save the queen" and found that barely anyone, except for the captain and the goalie bothered mouthing a single word of the awful anthem - because, i concluded, our lads must have absolutely no pride in this godforsaken country, bankrolled as it is by murderous military misadventurism, especially those from ethnically-minorized and other politically disenfranchized communities or classes, who probably feel they hold next-to-no emotional or socio-cultural stake in the nation, save the purely metaphorical and stereotypical one with which they might perhaps, in a purely metaphorical and stereotypical sense, wish to kebab her germanic-rooted majesty, the scottish-sounding prime minister, and other members of her vampiric government before serving the lot up for gazza's eclectic epicurean delectation... 
...quite frankly, a platoonful of battle-hardened squaddies, fresh from the slaughter-fields of afghanistan, bound together by a team-spirit of barmy-eyed beer-swilling patriotism, would have given the game more nationalistic welly and had more chance of grinding-out a bone-breaking win - for, mad cunts as our mainly-white warriors undoubtedly are, they are the only group of guys left in england who still truly harbour that insane passion for the crown and whichever noble nobhead who happens to be poncing around beneath it - there again, of course, playing a team of trained racist killers might possibly not be sending out to the world the sort of diplomatic message which our political leaders might exactly wish... 
...therefore, ipso de facto a priori non sequitur in posteriori ad nauseam, in light of our desperate national need for an emotionally-and-socially-gelled england soccer-team with the sporting capability of taking-on then crushing foul-faking foreign footballers, may i, on mr firebrand's able advice, propose to david "the jackdaw" cameron the following common-sense overseas and domestic policy initiatives, which in future might allow our afro-caribbean and other ethnic-minority or socially-dumped-upon sportsmen to feel more part of 'the english team': 

  • an immediate ban on the senseless bombing of brown people in their own sovereign states - this manner of international diplomacy can tend to make black people most uneasy, as they well recognize that in afro-caribbean countries they will invariably then receive the same treatment in spades
  • a prohibition on offering any form of moral, physical or political support to any other national government which proposes or proceeds to bomb brown, black or poor people in their own sovereign states - such as permitting the use of uk-based airfields and uk intelligence in the execution of these aforementioned offensive actions
  • the severest official condemnation of other national governments which propose or proceed to bomb brown, black or poor people in their own sovereign states and the refusal to permit such offensive countries the license to station military personnel and equipment on uk territory
  • the prohibition of illegal detention and torture and the severest official condemnation of other national governments which permit illegal detention and torture
  • official recognition by the uk government and authorities that a black person being beaten to death, suffocated or otherwise murdered by uk police or mental-health persons in a uk police-station or mental-health facility may not ultimately regard al qaeda, the ruskies or isis as representing the greatest potential threat to his or her personal safety

prof pw bs iii


obama - the witch messiah said...

i am the great enigma.

i end wars by starting them over again.

i close torture facilities by keeping them open.

i fight islamic extremists by taking their side in bloody civil-conflict, then supplying weapons to their liberated weapons can flood freely out of libya, syria and the gulf states...and whoops, now we've gotten ourselves another whole mother-fucking shooting-match in iraq...and a great excuse to pile back boots-first into baghdad again.

i never take sides in sectarian conflict...except in afghanistan, sudan, somalia, libya, syria, ivory coast, nigeria, mali and iraq - where the united states has always pursued this disastrous policy during a devastating decade of illegal occupation and intervention, just like we have done every god-damned place for the last century or more of our chequered globe-twatting history...but what the fuck, you only live once...just some of us get to live a whole lot longer than others.

i am with you one day, and against you the next.

i defend african-americans by locking their asses in jail in greater numbers than ever before.

i protect vulnerable children and civilians by blasting them to a better world, where they can live in pieces.

i honour and cherish the african motherland by arming african christians against african muslims and sending them to war with one another - i will make two africas for the price of one...and all the lives of those unfortunate to be born in that cute rustic ole continent, or 'zoopark america' as michelle and i like to think of it...yeah.

i am deaf, the destroyer of words.

whatever happened to the 'vote of no-confidence'? said...

andrew mitchell has been caught red-handed assisting in the preparation of acts of terrorism, or assisting in the perpetration of war-crimes - depending on how you wish to view his dirty dealings in africa. he claims that his decision to authorize what were, practically speaking, illegal payments to a régime strongly suspected by the united nations of being involved in the commission of war-crimes was in fact a collective one taken together with the prime minister, david cameron, and the foreign secretary, william hague - if this was so, the shock-waves emitted by such an explosive scandal should by rights have been powerful enough to bring down the entire british government, yet aside from some ineffectual routine criticism for the cameras, parliament's international development select committee corruptly decided to overlook the entire unsavoury matter, and the country was duly distracted by a disinterested disingenuous media which was undemocratically induced to direct our attention straight to the less politically destructive, but far glossier news-fodder created by jimmy savile sex-abuse, news international phone-hacking, and the no-expenses-spared 'plebgate' production itself.

in summary, the british government has authorized aid for the purpose of precipitating an illegal war of exploitation in africa - however, despite every section of the british media being intensely aware of the illicit actions of the prime minister, the foreign secretary, and the former international development secretary, and the highly damaging nature of their actions' potential ramifications, our corrupt parliament assisted by a bunged-up media has predictably white-washed its own record in impeccable style.

take your pick of our impotent press:

bbc: andrew mitchell denies 'rogue' action over rwanda aid

bbc: rwanda defence chief leads dr congo rebels, un report says

the telegraph: andrew mitchell criticised by mps for rwanda aid decision

the guardian: andrew mitchell: 'restoring rwanda aid not the act of a rogue minister'

the daily mail: mitchell in eight trips to rwanda before £16m aid handout: friendship with leader of hardline regime revealed

wikipedia: andrew mitchell

the slog: plebgate: randall and mitchell (not quite deceased after all)

extremely pissed said...

@whatever happened to the 'vote of no-confidence'?

the 'vote of no-confidence' has been wiped-off the agenda of parliament along with any remaining semblance of democracy.

why should we be surprised about the behaviour of our members of parliament...?

...only extremists join political parties or organized political movements and the members of all these political groups arrogantly regard anyone outside their personal snobbish hate-club as inferior beings.