"what we most urgently need in this country is a fairer society, in fact it must be completely recalibrated in order to ensure that privilege and elitism are wiped-out forever...
and the most simple, effective way in which we can achieve this noble aim...is obviously to eradicate all government and public-sector corruption, at its root, here in the seat of power, and where-so-ever it flourishes on these criminality-ridden islands, in the offices of local, regional and national power...
but you know...i'm getting a bit long-in-the-tooth for all this revolution lark...and tearing down the current, decadent establishment of barbaric, self-interested exploitation - of which, as a prehistoric parliamentary fossil, i am a fully paid-off member - and then entirely reconstructing it, such that everyone, regardless of colour, creed or social class can happily co-exist on level terms, sounds to me like rather a big job, and, at the end-of-the-day, a bloody great shit-load of hard work...
so what i actually propose to do is ermmm...let all those stinky-rich buggers buy me off with a few extra pennies-in-the-pound on income-tax, as a soft form of liberal punishment, you see...and then let them carry on harvesting the system, and the hard labour of the general population, much in the middle-class manner to which they have always been accustomed...
after that, i'm going to drop 'round to my mate eddie's, the dodgiest fucking printer in the whole of london, now trading as
smudgitup's, and we're gonna run off a couple of trillion quid's worth of brand-new tenners...ok, so we'll probably start to trip-out just looking at the psychedelic double-fuzzy reverb-effect on jane austen's ghost-image mug-shot...but hey, look on the bright side, we could put the drug-gangs permanently out of business, and even encourage people to save their bank-notes for a rainy day...
then we're gonna add this pile of people's quantitative easing to the extra cash from tax-receipts and stash the lot in my bedroom, basically someplace where the missus can't get her sweaty little mexican mitts on it - because there's no way i can risk her buying up futures on the commodity exchange, we're knee-deep in bloody coffee-beans already...
of course, i do not intend to keep all this dosh for myself, oh nono, i sincerely plan to redistribute the funds,
señora corbyn permitting, straight to my gangster friends in local government, who, after pocketing half the proceeds in personal commission fees, will then redistribute said funds to cowboy public-sector contractors in return for thousands of phantom sleeping-policemen, politically-correct traffic-lights where no fucking bugger wants them, and a diversity of other silly street-furniture-shifting sodding shite...
(oh yeah, whats good for the greedy city-banker is good for the bent town-hall grafter...)
furthermore, i trust that local council stasi-officers will also leave sufficient resources available to mount highly vicious campaigns of political intimidation and harassment against any non-socialist residents and other non-aligned, non-voting blogger-types, who will clearly be required to undergo extensive social re-education courses and be subject to continuous, 24-hour internal-external-in-the-bed-on-the-bog-style deep-'n-intimate surveillance programmes, whereby all forms of communication, whether digital, telephonic, written, oral, or physical, will be monitored and archived at all times...because yes, you guessed it, in my little red book, there are only two kinds of people in this world: those who vote for me, and those who don't - you're either a socialist or an extremist, or
non communistarum, ergo barbarus as we used to say in classics lessons. ha yes, i knew my grammar school education would come in handy one day...
(no, in reality, i hated grammar school, terrible place it woz...and as a result of my bitter experience, i am now violently and ideologically opposed to the entire grammar school education system - ruined my life it did - however, brother piers has a wacky alternative theory and reckons i just hated school coz i woz so fuckin' dense...)
anyway, getting back to the point, my motto is: why prevent the rich corruptly and criminally redistributing money to themselves
via abuse of democratic power and privilege (and thus practically eliminate poverty from society), when you can always re-redistribute their vast ill-gotten booty into a titanic welfare-state of poverty-prolonging dependency, destroy the moral fabric of society from within, and hand comrades a fair opportunity to fiddle tax-payers' money back through fraudulent benefit claims...?
revolution? can't be arsed, mate - but as a purely cosmetic communistic exercize, we're gonna rock rugby, give harrow the old heave-ho, and concrete over eton to make way for a nice, new, modern comp.
nationalization? yes, one of the great socialist success-stories of the seventies...
...which our more youthful members of society may not perhaps fully appreciate...
...well, you see, in the case of the railways, we have a wide spectrum of service amongst the various franchise-companies - ranging from top-class to utter-shite. now, take the worst train-line you have ever had the misfortune upon which to travel...and imagine that the company running this line has been put in charge of the entire rail-network...and you will soon get a pretty clear picture of how our rail-system will fare under the
people's locomotion operative, or
plop - as i intend to rename it...
...because what i know is
this: young men and women are flocking from the world over to live and work in london and the
uk, many of them young socialists...and what they all want, more than anything else, is not the seamless, air-conditioned service of safe, modern public-transport, but to get a genuine flavour of grim, strike-bound eighties-britain, back in its horrid, hazy hey-day...and so what better
entrée could we serve these guys up than the good-old-fashioned, authentic 'british rail experience'? hitler made the trains run-on-time - and i say making the trains run-on-time is anti-semitic, so there...
...and this in turn reminds me of my brand-new, butt-kicking campaign slogan:
"yes, we're getting there..."
...which i'd somehow forgotten.
next, i must mention the united states of america - where the white administration still regards black people as runaway slaves...
...but hey, what d'you expect from a country founded on slavery? of course, britain wasn't founded on slavery - well, not
completely anyway - it just founded the north atlantic slave-trade, and then profited from it quite-a-bloody-lot, just like these mercenary people-smugglers today, who keep the european and
uk's cheap-labour-market topped-up with eager freedom-seeking immigrants - without papers and without rights - whilst leaving a cruel percentage of their desperate, starving customers to die in the back of freezing juggernauts, and in the bottom of leaky, unseaworthy rust-bucket-boats.
our
uk government dropped the bombs in africa and the middle-east which triggered this
tsunami of humanity, our
uk government has pursued the protectionist economic policies which have impoverished the entire continent of africa, and our
uk government's intelligence services have assisted with the
cia's civil-war-start-up-programme in somalia, syria, libya, ukraine, and even,
via corrupt political interference, in nigeria, where violent-rebellion has been cynically stirred-up by the violent, repressive, british-and-american-backed rulers of that nation, for whom a cunningly manufactured war against terror attracts huge dollar-funding from the white house administration: now we must begin to look after the war-victims which form the major part of the bush-blair-obama-cameron legacy.
inhumane british and european union immigration legislation is forcing the desperate to drown themselves in our seas - how about abolishing it in order to allow migrants and refugees, whether economic or political, to board proper, safe, sanitary ferries, just like we elitist europeans do?
oh...and maybe the mandatory construction of an asylum-seeker-new-town, on chipping norton, might concentrate our esteemed conservative friends' minds on the main matter-at-hand...?
now, naturally, i'm fairly worried about being terminated by the
cia before the labour-leadership ballot-results are returned on 12th september, 2015...
...and when under threat of assassination by the
cia, who better to arrange my personal security and act as minders than the
cia's very best buddies themselves: marty and gerry, the bother-boys from belfast?
do i like vladimir putin? no, he hasn't got a beard...
...oooooooh, but being a big, furry, russian bear, he
does have a rather nice hairy chest...
oooh dear, tricky one...
bushy beard? hairy chest?
bushy beard? hairy chest?
bushy beard? hairy chest?
cia?
kgb?
western imperialism? eastern-bloc communism?
bushy beard? hairy chest?
bushy beard? hairy chest?
oh shit, i feel a
splitting headache coming on...
ermmm...crikey, i've had a fucking major brain-wave...
wool...
yes, wool: the answer to all our economic problems...fairer than slavery, safer to produce than coal...yep, we can all go back to trading in wool - it's ecologically sustainable, organic, no-one gets harmed, everybody's happy, except baa-baa, when he get fleeced, of course...and guess what? i know a few sheep up in the cotswolds who need a damn good fucking shearing...
ok, so we're gonna nationalize every farmstead in the country, set up sheep-processing communes, and make knitting a core-subject in the new school-curriculum...along with benefit studies, advanced shepherding...and pure-and-and-applied sheep-counting.
errr...so...right....what this country needs is to get back to basics - the proletariat must seize the means of production...coz the unions ain't got 'em, that's for sure; yay, for too long our natural, indigenous, british brand of socialism has been infected by conservative capitalist greed...our own dear labour party has been sorely subverted by elitist bourgeois infiltrators, who have woven such a wicked and insidious web of organized corruption that the views of the actual grass-zoot membership are currently no longer represented, or regarded, in parliament, in any recognizable manner...
...even our own so-called red ken has shamefully succumbed to temptation and been infected by evil blue-thoughts...and i ask you this: how can i associate with a man who oversaw the establishment of a public-private transport-partnership, which has, bendy-bloody-buses aside, successfully managed the running of a half-decent, and reasonably efficient, london bus-service...?
...and i herewith promise the people of britain that, upon ascending to high office, i will duly and summarily banish the
refusnik formerly known as 'red' ken from the entire administrative area bounded by the m25 motorway...and exile him to the distant, deep-blue-rinsed constituency of eastbourne, where he will make atonement for his irredeemable sins against socialism by helping old tory biddies across the street for the duration of eternity. amen.
frankly, god-only-knows with whom ken's been associating lately in the capitalist-piggy-bank sector...?
my policy on terrorism? well, first i'm gonna make tony blair a peer and invite every international anti-state terrorist and insurgent, from the whole planet, along with each and every one of our own, six-hundred or so, duly and democratically-elected terrorists of state - plus, of course, the undemocratically-appointed, fur-trimmed lord-and-lady-terrorists of the realm - into the houses of parliament for a coffee-morning-cum-conference-thingy...
...and then, because i'm not really one for confrontation or anythink...i'm gonna leggit straight to a traditional london hostelry situated at a suitably safe distance from westminster, where i will take indefinite refuge under a pub-table and stick my fingers firmly in my ears - this course of direct action should, i am advised, cure a multitude of multi-national political evils and save on exorbitant proposed parliamentary refurbishment plans...
of course, i should, by rights, be advocating the immediate prosecution, discombobulation and permanent political excommunication of tony blair inc for crimes against humanity...
...but he's labour...he's one of us, init...?
...finally then, the part of my 7-year-growth-plan for which you have all been waiting, with anxious brows and bated breath:
t'raaah...the announcement of
the wild bunch...errr-ooops, i mean my first
people's shady cabinet...
foreign office:
as already indicated, i am not particularly a man for confrontation - so i will be sending georgie bawlaway, armed with his double-barrelled gob, on all overseas missions requiring a modicum of diplomacy or tact.
immigration:
as minister of this vital government service, i will be appointing great-aunty bessie's cocker spaniel, rover, to stand guard over the white cliffs of dover - in fact, he alone will replace the entire immigration department. good boy.
the exchequer:
mrs corbyn will be counting the beans...either
that, or i'll be losing my nuts...
home office:
although dame diana double-dollop expressed a sincere wish to be in charge of agriculture, food and fisheries, i was of the confirmed opinion that this post would not stretch her, and that our veteran restaurant-inspector should, conversely, head-up tings at the home office; moreover, i understand from extensive briefings down at
the three square meals public house, stoke newington church street, that dame diana will be drafting in a small private army of highly-trained sistas from the
combat collective, who apparently insist on policing both the capital, and country, for free - indeed, as an integral component of their 'babylon-off-the-beat' franchise, the afro-caribbean anti-crime-consortium concerned promise to deliver complementary riot-squad-protection for cherished national piss-ups including wimbledon, royal ascot, the proms, the boat race, henley regatta, and cricket at lords.
overseas-aid:
in light of his deeply principled stance against foreign military intervention, plus a share of the popular vote which deserves at least some limited representation in parliament, i shall be appointing mr nigel frograge as a junior secretary in the overseas-aid department, which, as luck would have it, will command the largest budget of any in whitehall; mr frograge's job will consist in giving away every last single penny available from the treasury to those funny-coloured people abroad - upon pain, that is, of severe corrective measures being summarily administered by his
über-strict, disciplinarian boss, the ever watchful leanne "whiplash" wood.
environment:
fuck-off piers - no, you cannot be a weatherman, you
caused global-fucking-warming, you meddling four-eyed cunt.
tax and welfare:
as i hinted earlier, the need for taxes and welfare could be wholly negated, and the respective executive departments totally dismantled, if we could only sum up the political courage to eliminate the endemic corruption from within government, which in turn breeds privilege and elitism for the wealthy, but poverty and ill-health for the static social underclass...
...but to-be-honest, i just can't be fussed...and anyhow, i need to create jobs for the boys in the unions.
defence:
last-but-not-least, to conclude the frontbench line-up, we will have nicki, shungun of shotland, tossing the
icbm...
...and since, merely to conjure this frightful, chilling image should ensure that mr putin, the chinese army, the american military, and even the most diabolical, battle-toughened, and brutally-obsessed terrorist will not dare to venture within five-hundred fucking miles of our serene and idyllic isles...
...i see no further point whatever in maintaining either armed forces or a ministry of defence.
* * *
haha...so the irish republicans, gerry and marty, have switched their support over to me - this means the
cia have at last dumped brand-damaged blair and the power of the national grid will now be all mine, all mine, i say...
mine, mine, mine, mine, mine...
one doughnut to rule them all, one doughnut to find them,
one doughnut to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
aaah...my progress, my progress..."
sc
