write to rant

tonight, spark up! is offering the write to rant to renowned, revered and racially retarded thespian, dame janita jaykloff:

right, it seems i've been maliciously misquoted and i'd like to clear-up this bloody awful mess without any further ado - so here is my final statement on the matter:

• i am not, i repeat not, attempting to whitewash black history

• wanky white bourgeois liberal theatre which totally fails to register fuck-all interest in the wider afro-caribbean community is not, apparently, a part of black culture

• never-fuckin-ending white guilt is not a part of black culture

• white racism is not a part of black culture (i don't think)

• racism is a white invention - so there

is everybody happy now? good, i'm orff to drown my sorrows in a bucket of pink champagne with bob belldoff at a hideously white notting-hill wine-bar.  now, piss-orff the lorrt of you.

thank you for your intellectually considered contribution, dame janita.

trouble at tower

a poppy-blood waterfall pouring from the punctured establishment's most feared symbol of repression - to replenish its moat...

...is this an advert for fascism, or an exposure of it?

that is the question...

...to see or not to see?

big-oil buys-off bad-egg

well, surprise, surprise...following in the smoking hell-bound footsteps of his brother dave bloodtax and his former boss, bonking-mad blair, the butcher of baghdad - and buckinghamshire - ed miliband is about to sell-out, not only the left-wing of the labour party, which trustingly raised him to his parliamentary perch, but also millions-upon-millions of sensible, mature, rational britons, who, unindoctrinated by rolling 24-hour bbc weapons-ads, explicitly oppose the united kingdom's participation in the never-ending american wars of economic exploitation, which continue to wreck ancient civilizations in the middle-east.

in seeking election to the top-rung of british politics, mr red edit - cia-fast-track-recruit extraordinaire - has clearly chosen to chase the islamo-paranoic-race-hate-n-wog-bombing-vote rather than re-galvanize the cross-board-respect, successfully garnered, last year, from socialists, liberals and conservatives alike, when, completely sans-autocue, he nervously stood-up to dave cannonrod and president obombaklaart himself, and like a cutely blinking little lighthouse in the deep obsidian of the cia-news-blackout, dutifully warned the captains of mercantile insanity from rupturing their unprotected undersides on the razor-sharp rocks of sanctimonious self-serving neo-cuntist colonialism.

power, greed and irrepressible israeli influences have predictably turned miliband's 'ed, with the result that, in the shifting desert sand between the cruelly conjoined shambles of syria and iraq, he has drawn a spurious legal line, every bit as divisive, immoral and expedient as the social scar originally gouged-out by the scimitar of slasher-sykes - and simultaneously stitched-up with picot's poison-tipped needle - during the colonial era of socially-sanctioned fascism which supposedly concluded over one hundred years ago.

so it appears, instead of looking to his good grassroots-friends for a helping hand in clambering out of the existential electoral hole, which - with a little help from an embarrassingly fluffed conference-speech - he has crassly carved for himself, ed is contrarily intent upon biting these same comrades' experienced green-fingers by, rather rashly, reaching for the dow-chemical-company-pesticide.

of course, improvizing funkily on the bright-side of death, ed can now precipitate the boombastic busting of london's artificially inflated housing-market-bubble - by enlisting the eager assistance of a battalion of short-fused suicide-bombers, who, along with the majority of law-abiding muslims in the british electorate, may well now be enticed to vote tactically.

then finally, having turned the capital into a vicious ideo-religious war-zone - which will conveniently bring his primrose hill mansion safely below the two-million-quid mansion-tax-threshold - ed millstone will happily find himself in a prime-position to fatally deter the influx of all those would-be-immigrants, formerly attracted to the lip-smacking prospect of a peaceful and prosperous britain...

...and he will thereby cap his silly socially conscious chaos with the arch-anarcho-political achievement of a famous double-whammy.

 

dairy-boy dave does downing street

committed as ever to keeping you fully abreast of all the latest developments in the westminster paddock, spark up! strives at all times, through the good orifices of our dedicated team of agricultural correspondents, to keep its fictional finger on the pulsing penis of british politics - a prominent member otherwise known as the prime minister...

...and today, via a live conservative cattle-feed, we bring you instant updates of the milky-bar stud's snapshot five-finger government shuffle, as he sets about milking britain dry:

• wild willy hague is put out to pasture pending release of nhs funds by jeremy blunt-scalpel for emergency gender-appropriate implant procedures - internal sources report that in influential establishment circles the former foreign secretary was deemed to be neither milkman nor milkmaid and, having failed adequately to demonstrate his status as a real man or real woman, ultimately fell between two toxic tory toadstools, namely michael fulloan and phillip harmonger

• esthetick mcvieh is invited to sit in cabinet to make-up employment numbers, make-over the corpse of the conservative party, and make-out she gives a flying flipsided-fuck about the plight of hard-working women in the uk who do not belong to her cosmeticized class of all the corruptions - in fact, interviewed as one of the budding new cia-vetted implants in the hairy old hierarchical herd, she provided the following revealing insights into farm-boss, dairy dave dachshund's 'milk-round' selection process:

  "oh ya, the induction was all rather short-and-sweet, really...dave likes to do it all the old-fashioned way...by hand, you know...it was basically a complex political aptitude test which consisted in him asking me, quite charmingly actually, whether i was a woman...a question which i'm pleased to declare i answered correctly, in the affirmative, of course...then he simply said, 'well get your tits out and you're in darling', and having duly confirmed my qualifications, that was just about that i think...except for the ceremonial appointment to cabinet...which he hastily completed by getting some sort of silly little pink organic cattle-prod out from beneath his desk, where i suppose he'd been hiding the thing away, cheeky boy...and then tapping me lightly on the tip of each tonsil with it, prior to serving me a celebratory vanilla milkshake, in the goblet...ohhh how super it all was, what a great victory for women's rights this has been, what a great day for the conservative party...i'm simply over the moon...and by-the-way, i have to mention this...the pm's so understanding about women's issues too...you see, by the end of the interview, i'd become so nervous i left a big sloppy-wet turd-cake all over the sofa...but d'you know what?  to his eternal credit, the guy didn't even blink...he just looked-over and re-instated it as health secretary...what a leader"

• michael "marigold" glove, having made a dog's dinner of national schooling, is to be fed to state pupils in the form of reconstituted porkmeat as part of a drive to teach under-informed british youngsters about the golden-days of 1950s education

• ken "hush-up" clarke-to-the-secret-torture-court, despite boasting an adequate boobsize to remain in post, is put straight out to grass for being a grouchy old sexist ox

• diane abloatt is widely believed to have shown an interest in a position, but after extensive measurement and re-measurement with 'outsize' calipers and imperial rulers, it was found her arse didn't fit

own goal of the century: lucky at wars, unlucky in sport

tonight, some startling new socio-scientific soccer analysis by professor pinkwinkel brainstove the third:

having once more witnessed the clockwork implosion of the england world-cup football campaign, i felt it my deep patriotic duty to examine in some detail the biological factors which lie behind our boys' brave defeat in the heat of brazil... 

...thus after an intensive spot of research into the genetic make-up of past-and present england squads - which necessitated the exhaustive dna-testing of all our star-players, including a graveyard-shift in order to effect the unauthorized, but wholly unavoidable, exhumation of a few decomposing legends from our glorious past - i have made the utterly astonishing albeit unpolitically correct discovery that our nation's greatest success apparently came in a world footballing competition held back in the grim greyscale year of 1966, when the england team was exclusively drawn from the diminishing pool of white-coloured people resident in the country, whilst conversely that, since the selection of black-coloured people for the england team, we have never again achieved an international result which in any way compares to the aforementioned monochrome triumph... 

...in fact, upon making that incontrovertible deduction, i was about to terminate my investigations altogether and submit my findings to the english footballing association, however, following a swift and sudden free-kick in the bollocks by none other than erstwhile england hero, rio firebrand, i decided to look into the matter further, and upon pain of receiving another penalty-kick in the privates, i proceeded to thoroughly assess and carefully calibrate the physical performance of all england-players over the past five decades... 

...and guess what? it transpired that they were all jolly good professional sportsmen performing at the top of their game, and that no particular squad, whether multi-culturally blessed or unblessed, was significantly or obviously deficient in the talent department... 

...so what elusive x-factor could currently be missing from the mix? could it perhaps be a non-specific contemporary socio-cultural influence, i asked myself with rio looming defensively in the background, his huge persuasive hand firmly gripping my shoulder and a regulation 2800 hertz ref's whistle protruding provocatively from between his lips...? 

...but then suddenly, as if bit on the bum by a lightning-fanged liverpool-chopperholic, i had the answer: 

yes, i reviewed the revealing televisual footage of our team singing "god save the queen" and found that barely anyone, except for the captain and the goalie bothered mouthing a single word of the awful anthem - because, i concluded, our lads must have absolutely no pride in this godforsaken country, bankrolled as it is by murderous military misadventurism, especially those from ethnically-minorized and other politically disenfranchized communities or classes, who probably feel they hold next-to-no emotional or socio-cultural stake in the nation, save the purely metaphorical and stereotypical one with which they might perhaps, in a purely metaphorical and stereotypical sense, wish to kebab her germanic-rooted majesty, the scottish-sounding prime minister, and other members of her vampiric government before serving the lot up for gazza's eclectic epicurean delectation... 

...and quite frankly, a platoonful of battle-hardened squaddies, fresh from the slaughter-fields of afghanistan, bound together by a team-spirit of barmy-eyed beer-swilling patriotism, would have given the game more nationalistic welly and had more chance of grinding-out a bone-breaking win - for, mad cunts as our mainly-white warriors undoubtedly are, they are the only group of guys left in england who still truly harbour that insane passion for the crown and whichever noble nobhead happens to be poncing around beneath it - although there again, of course, playing a team of trained racist killers might possibly not be sending out to the world the sort of diplomatic message which our political leaders might exactly wish... 

...therefore, ipso de facto a priori non sequitur in posteriori ad nauseam, in light of our desperate national need for an emotionally-and-socially-gelled england soccer-team with the sporting capability of taking-on then crushing foul-faking foreign footballers, may i, on mr firebrand's able advice, propose to david "the jackdaw" cameron the following common-sense overseas and domestic policy initiatives, which in future might allow our afro-caribbean and other ethnic-minority or socially-dumped-upon sportsmen to feel more part of 'the english team': 

• an immediate ban on the senseless bombing of brown people in their own sovereign states - since this manner of international diplomacy can tend to make black people most uneasy, well recognizing as they do that in afro-caribbean countries they will invariably then themselves receive the same treatment in spades

• a prohibition on offering any form of moral, physical or political support to any other national government which proposes or proceeds to bomb brown, black or poor people in their own sovereign states - such as permitting the use of uk-based airfields and uk intelligence in the execution of these aforementioned offensive actions

• the severest official condemnation of other national governments which propose or proceed to bomb brown, black or poor people in their own sovereign states and the refusal to permit such offensive countries the license to station military personnel and equipment on uk territory

• the automatic prosecution of government ministers, such as mr andrew mitchell, who illegally seek to assist in the armament of other nations with a view to precipitating war between foreign states for commercial and political gain

• the prohibition of illegal detention and torture and the severest official condemnation of other national governments which permit illegal detention and torture

• official recognition, by the uk government and authorities, of the reality that a black person being beaten to death, suffocated or otherwise murdered by uk police or mental-health professionals in a uk police-station or mental-health facility may not ultimately regard al qaeda, the ruskies, or isis as representing the greatest potential threat to his, or her, personal safety

prof pw bs iii

the face that lost a million votes

do you mean the wonky face of ed milibandage, i hear you say? the cheap socialist sticky-plaster designed to cover-up the mortal gaping wound of the iraq war and other labour-inspired wars of terror, which led ingloriously to the caring-sharing party's sudden self-inflicted death?

no.

i mean the ghoulish grinning gob-hole of tony "wog-bomber" blair, which impertinently persists in popping-up to corrupt the political consciousness of our unscreened televisual in-take with the cancerous propaganda of whatever subliminal neo-colonial neo-conservative agenda he happens to be pushing at any given moment in his interminable and intolerable serial-killing career - a constant crimson thorn cutting into the carnaged memory of an electorate still ashamed to countenance the trail of mutilated civilian bodies which blood-oil blair and his government left to rot across the now permanently warring wastelands of the middle-east.

yes...

...and today the man who once refused immigrants the right to receive life-saving treatment for aids on the nasty hospital service is blindly railing against the racism of the uk-capsized party, a group of great british grumblers who've never, thank fuck, had the power nor political presence to actually prosecute a neo-colonial war - no, no, they wouldn't dream of such a thing - but just don't want to see the maimed and impoverished results of great british foreign pulverization and ethnic persecution washing-up on our beautiful blue-flag british coastline of pristine cultural cleanliness, because that would be really be a reality show too far, wouldn't it?  beyond the pale an-all-that...non-bitter drinking bastards building our houses for knock-down prices, knocking-up public infrastructure projects for pennies, saving the great british taxpayer billions of pounds - well that's the theory, anyway - grafting for groats, servicing our beer-pumps, knocking-off our women - not-to-mention our blokes bored with bog-standard british booty - and generally bursting the bankrupt bubble of britain where, as-if-by-some-mad-mushroom-induced-magic, we can still get paid over-the-odds for producing bugger-all whilst the rest-of-the-world knocks-out shit for peanuts...

...wherever will it all end?

well, if we brits want the wedge to pay each other top-dollars for basically scratching each others bottoms on the beaches of europe, but don't on principle wish to work for the world market-rate like everybody else, it all ends in another war of exploitation where we bust-in to rape another country and rob it of its natural resources, just like tony bash-em-up blair did - so although burglar blair was the mastermind of the great middle-east mineral-mugging, he in fact drew his power-to-oppress overseas from the very same small-minded muddle-english mentality which views the u-keep-away party as the cynically simple solution to all our country's problems, and i humbly conclude that barbaric blagger blair and façade-for-fascism farage are merely two sides of the same bent britannic coin...

...but none of this alters the unforgiving rule of reality which dictates that the labour party will never be re-elected until its front bench is publicly purged of the sub-smirks of serving war-criminals and until tony "the butcher of baghdad" blair, along with all his free-loading former government monsters, are brought to justice in the hague for their long and wicked list of violations against humanity.

write to rant

today on spark up! we are privileged to be able to publish an exclusive extract from the diary of cryogenically preserved celebrity comedian, and bouncy-bed bastion of black british consciousness at the black-bashing corporation, mr lenny emery:

dear diary,

this morning, i woke-up in my luxury padded penthouse at promiscuous sin towers, luton, examined the super-calorific contents of my well-over-burdened intercontinental breakfast-tray...

...and, upon encountering some culturally-based confusion as to which side my toast had actually been buttered, pondered the matter awhile, before plodding off pensively down to my alternatively-coloured yet unbendingly benevolent masters based at bestiality house, portaloo place, london - primarily, it must be said, in order to embark on a self-sacrificing revolutionary whinge about the unethically under-cooked nature of my unbrowned bread...

...however, having announced my arrival at satan's-soul studios amid a fawning flatulent fanfare from fellow old fespian farts and entered unto the inner scrotum of scrotums (whereupon i was instantly blinded both politically and numismatically by that strangely intense white limelight, which as if through the power of some televisually enhanced magic once more began to radiate irrepressibly from my own unshackled artistic arsehole), it suddenly dawned on me (when removing my reality-bland shades and glimpsing my reflection in the basement-bog mirror) that the most prudent course of action would rather be to put on a big cheesy smile, wank the board-members off a bit, then ask them ever-so-nice-and-politely-like if they wouldn't mind awfully treating black fellas (and gals) like me a teeny-weeny dash better in the not-too-distant future...

...although, this all said-and-done, i obviously also proceeded to lay down the law in black-and-white and stated unequitably that i still wish to retain my exalted efnick position as grand-token-darky amongst darkies whilst continuing to appear as if i give a flying coconut-cake about the rest of the banana-careered bunch as they are all served-up to the chairman and dicksucker-general ass-first as an entrée exotico-erotico of afro-frisson fritters - fried to a facety-fit for the exclusive entertainment of the evil empire's faithful fag-boys.

yours ever-so ever-so gratefully


lenny ennui (cunt by example)

write to rant: valentine's special

without further ado, let me pass the keyboard straight-over to our most cherished and seasoned commentator, lady laaardidah of lordship road:

tonight, i am going to talk about a subject close to my heart: money...

...and well do you know what? there are neo-colonialist wars being fought all across africa and the middle-east - just to ensure that our so-called western democracies can rip-off the minerals and natural resources of impoverished third-world countries; civilian men, women and children are being murdered, raped and tortured by western soldiers and western proxy-mercenaries; whole populations are being left unconscionably poor because of cia-engineered civil-wars and exploitative western protectionist policies deliberately designed to prevent free-trade - and even in this our own nation, at least half our people have been disenfranchised from 'normal' established society, ejected, after summary state-educational psychological assessment, from the happy-slappy club of privileged political propriety, and black-listed as life-long members of the untouchable underclass by the cia, never to secure a 'good' job, ever...

...yet despite all this global deprivation, this social and economic turmoil, there's a prissy young white middle-class cow out there, miss stella greasepole mp, who's been spending time, money, and probably public resources, on a campaign to get another eternally young white middle-class cow, jane arsend, onto the back of the british ten-pound note - a paperback-writer on the back of our officially issued toilet-paper, so-to-speak...

...i'm not surprised this member of parliament, greasepole, received widespread popular abuse for her efforts - what ordinary person holds onto a tenner for long enough to notice what government-approved cunt pardon-my-patois is printed on it, anyway...?

...and now our oh-so-sensitive state is spending more time, money and public resources on protecting the honour and refined feelings of its little privileged madam, because obviously her feelings are so much more worthy than those of the pesky plebs who insulted her - what ordinary person would get this kind of service from the police and the criminal prosecution service, if slagged-off in the street, for example? is it now therefore illegal to heckle a politician in public...? especially the upper-class-upstart variety...?
...anyhow, why this literary obsession with jane arsend? does the respected mr carney engage in fantasy-wanks over her...? surely a far more suitable candidate would have been the lovely nell gwyn (this picture would do nicely), a working-class girl who made it good and a nice choice for the boys, who would then have a real incentive to get off the dole, get off their arses and earn a few notes to save-up under the mattress, instead of blowing the lot on beer and wacky-backy...

...of course don't ask me why, but personally i would prefer to see a facety old black bag on the back of our banknotes - for the fifties it could be mary supercreole, for example, the afro-caribbean nurse who was dame florence nightygulf's long-time civil partner and darling of the empire's troops in the crimea...

...just how long do we have to wait for a black brother or sister to make it onto the back of the bank-bog-roll? it was on our black backs upon which most of the wealth was made, wasn't it...? and we certainly paid for it...

...so big hugs and valentine kisses going out to peter nunn, the guy who's being prosecuted for putting ms greasypole-dancer in her place - for all i know, he could be a misogynist wife-beating tory, although i'm pretty sure he's not...

...anyway that's not the point- the point is that we, the general public, will never know what the point of the prosecution is, because the text of the allegedly malicious message is not being published for us to read and for us to judge for ourselves...

...if mr nunn's communication were truly offensive, then why keep it an official secret? why not promulgate the terror-inducing tweet far-and-wide and simply let the rude-mouthed rascal be shamed in front of his family, friends and society-at-large? no, the state will not allow this, because this is not about cost-efficient justice - this is about teaching the filthy-tongued working scum that they must doff their caps to their silver-spooned social betters, and about showing them that the government has the power to suppress any speech which might prove upsetting to a member of the ruling political elite, in what is effectively a secret trial, the proceedings of which will only be observed by a few favoured ones selected by the inner circle...

...how can we as members of society assess whether justice is being done in this case? how can we judge for ourselves whether mr nunn's message was malicious or whether it was some sort of rather dark joke? why should we be paying for such a costly public court case when in fact all expression is self-regulating at the point of delivery and inevitably receives a rapid counter-balancing reaction in the form of equally rugged words, as is appropriate...?

...and now i must turn to mr old holborn and give him my sincere thanks for supporting mr nunn in his committed mission to liberate the confined mentalities, emotionalities and vocabularies of our educationally and professionally challenged superiors, but no hugs and kisses, mind - since he is a libertarian who does not believe in the freedom of movement, via migration, and has also omitted in a most discriminatory and islamophobic manner to take up the cause of mr royal barnes and his wife rebekah dawson of hackney, who have likewise been charged under laws restricting their right to freedom of expression...

...now, islamic extremist patrols here in britain, however distasteful, simply constitute a negative emotional reaction to christian military democracies which use armed force to impose their values upon muslims in sovereign countries abroad - and these oppressive patrols on our streets are clearly also a direct reaction to attempts by our domestic authorities to impose bans on certain religious practices, such as the wearing of burkhas...

...now, whilst i denounce physical intimidation and aggression as a means of imposing one's personal religious values upon others, i must, in the name of multiculturalism, defend to the depths of my social conscience, the right of those with whom i disagree to say their piece...

...and in the strange case of mr barnes and his wife, whilst i despair for their manners and civility, i must respect their right to communicate and express their deep emotions in respect of the murder of mr lee rigby in woolich - in the name of a happy functional multicultural community imbued with equal opportunities, we must permit muslims to glorify the murder of british soldiers in britain, just as we allow our own political leaders and soldiers to glorify the murder of muslim combatants in foreign countries. we must also accept that muslims may wish to incite others to murder british soldiers in the defence of muslim lands - for in truth, had conversely this couple been speaking in parliament and incited british soldiers to murder muslim combatants in a foreign muslim country, they would surely have been promoted to cabinet and could even have risen to the rarified respectful rank of prime minister...

...nevertheless, i might add, that it's not actually possible to incite someone else to murder or carry out an act of terrorism - as this action is strictly an individual choice - and a 'terrorist publication' is more familiarly known as mere 'propaganda' in westminster circles...

...in summary, by silencing citizens' disgust at policies, our ministers and members of parliament are obviously attempting to hide from their own immorality - and this is why the public tends to utter its sentiments so viciously...

...it serves no purpose for greasypole to make this guy a scapegoat other than to promote herself and to advance her own political career by show-trial...

...fundamentally, the nunn and barnes-dawson cases are comparable in that there is exactly the same principle of free speech which lies at stake and to prosecute these malcontents achieves absolutely nothing in a world split between observers who already either wholeheartedly concur or differ with the positions held by the persons accused - the evidence here is sealed from public inspection and the judgment completely subjective, thus rendering the proceedings both anti-democratic, anti-judicial and singularly political; the only result of these court-hearings will be to anger the already angry within our communities and to squeeze out a possible outbreak of real violence - but naturally this type of reaction is precisely the unethical excuse for which our police-state itches in order to crack-down on those who dare to highlight its failings...

...you know, perhaps the most efficacious way to deal with mr nunn would be to strike his image upon pound-coins and then inscribe his tweet around their edges...?

...as i mentioned above, the matter-at-hand resonates with me incredibly profoundly, since, whilst serving in the labour shadow cabinet, i myself suffered the severe indignity of being gagged by the parliamentary press-gang, largely as a collateral consequence of refusing to suck mr obama's double-headed willy - although of course it would've been nice to have been offered the opportunity.


ll

my vision for a less alluring britain: a paranoid patriotical broadsideby "dozy" dave dachshund

today, a guest post by our prime minister:

now we are entering the interminable run-up to the next parliamentary elections, i would like to outline my plans to combat the greatest threat ever faced by this country to our cherished way of life...no, i do not refer to the illegal war-wankers who squat in the palace of westminster and have recourse to scrounging off the state-purse...but to the army of legal immigrants who wish to invade our borders, work for a living, and interrupt the sacred tradition of the great british tea-break, which for centuries has facilitated our citizens endless cultural quest to strive for and brew-up the perfect cuppa.

my strategy for combatting these half-boiled non-tea-drinking barbarians, who couldn't produce a proper pot of cha if they tried, is as follows (and generally comprises a trans-national policy of making our royal kingdom as undesirable a place to eke-out an existence as is politically possible without me being summarily ousted from power for humanitarian reasons by a united nations task-force with a military intervention mandate from the security council):

first, my government will introduce benefit restrictions on persons from european union member-states whom iain dunkirk smith's missus doesn't like the look of - with the full and dishonourable intention of opening the door on a legislative programme which will eventually corrode the entire social-security system and welfare-state unto the point of complete and utter disintegration, thus depriving of food and shelter all those cia-black-listed british and non-british citizens whom i and my conservative colleagues do not wish ever to secure decent remunerative employment from our multi-national-owing chums in the minted-breath mafia.

second, i will commission the jolly huntsman to degrade the national death crevice to a such degree that the sick and needy will be forced to cough-up repeat-prescription insurance contributions in order to top-up with basic medical care from the excruciatingly expensive private hospitals owned by my brethren in the extortionate elite.

third, i will contact ozburden to tax the economy to oblivion.

fourth, i will personally oversee the fracking, by greedy frog gas-prospectors, of our green and pleasant environment - naturally, with a view to poisoning the water-supply (for the benefit of my plug of shares in evian and perrier), precipitating persistent geological earthquakes along with persistent ecological heartaches, and last but not least, lining my own pockets with the slurry of stateside silver which i will proceed to pick-up without so much as pausing to piss any profit towards the poor peasants whose habitats i have sacrificed to fund the seamless stratological scam.

as a fifth measure, i will commit britain to sourcing unsustainable energy by procuring overpriced nuclear-power-installations from foreign super-cowboys, and siting said radical-attractive time-bombs in flood-susceptible locations...

...and finally, i will instruct wild willy havoc to launch cruise-missiles into the inner-cities of social discontent and rake the remnants of our unconservative communities with reconstitutional rounds fired from friendly united states army helicopters...or i might just contract al qaeda to finish the job if they can quote me cheaper - but whatever the preferred method of anti-cultural treatment, it will pan out much less costly, and provide a bigger better bang for our bucks, than we could possibly achieve by sending the plethora of plebs off to a pointless war.

this is my dream...

...of a land unfit for anycunt to live in.


dd