Monday, 13 January 2014

my vision for a less alluring britain: a paranoid patriotical broadside by "dozy" dave dachshund



today, a guest post by our prime minister:

now we are entering the interminable run-up to the next parliamentary elections, i would like to outline my plans to combat the greatest threat ever faced by this country to our cherished way of life...no, i do not refer to the illegal war-wankers who squat in the palace of westminster and have recourse to scrounging off the state-purse...but to the army of legal immigrants who wish to invade our borders, work for a living, and interrupt the sacred tradition of the great british tea-break, which for centuries has facilitated our citizens endless cultural quest to strive for and brew-up the perfect cuppa.

my strategy for combatting these half-boiled non-tea-drinking barbarians, who couldn't produce a proper pot of cha if they tried, is as follows (and generally comprises a trans-national policy of making our royal kingdom as undesirable a place to eke-out an existence as is politically possible without me being summarily ousted from power for humanitarian reasons by a united nations task-force with a military intervention mandate from the security council):

first, my government will introduce benefit restrictions on persons from european union member-states whom iain dunkirk smith's missus doesn't like the look of - with the full and dishonourable intention of opening the door on a legislative programme which will eventually corrode the entire social-security system and welfare-state unto the point of complete and utter disintegration, thus depriving of food and shelter all those cia-black-listed british and non-british citizens whom i and my conservative colleagues do not wish ever to secure decent remunerative employment from our multi-national-owing chums in the minted-breath mafia.

second, i will commission the jolly huntsman to degrade the national death crevice to a such degree that the sick and needy will be forced to cough-up repeat-prescription insurance contributions in order to top-up with basic medical care from the excruciatingly expensive private hospitals owned by my brethren in the extortionate elite.

third, i will contact ozburden to tax the economy to oblivion.

fourth, i will personally oversee the fracking, by greedy frog gas-prospectors, of our green and pleasant environment - naturally, with a view to poisoning the water-supply (for the benefit of my plug of shares in evian and perrier), precipitating persistent geological earthquakes along with persistent ecological heartaches, and last but not least, lining my own pockets with the slurry of stateside silver which i will proceed to pick-up without so much as pausing to piss any profit towards the poor peasants whose habitats i have sacrificed to fund the seamless stratological scam.

as a fifth measure, i will commit britain to sourcing unsustainable energy by procuring overpriced nuclear-power-installations from foreign super-cowboys, and siting said radical-attractive time-bombs in flood-susceptible locations...

...and finally, i will instruct wild willy havoc to launch cruise-missiles into the inner-cities of social discontent and rake the remnants of our unconservative communities with reconstitutional rounds fired from friendly united states army helicopters...or i might just contract al qaeda to finish the job if they can quote me cheaper - but whatever the preferred method of anti-cultural treatment, it will pan out much less costly, and provide a bigger better bang for our bucks, than we could possibly achieve by sending the plethora of plebs off to a pointless war.

this is my dream...

...of a land unfit for anycunt to live in.


dd

21 comments:

fracking all over the world said...

these guys in parliament go 'round the globe helping the americans fuck-up other people's countries, and then they start whingeing when we get an influx of immigrants...

...it's like they're all in a boat together - our lot are holding the drill for the american cia to bore holes in the bottom of the hull, and then they wonder why the water comes flooding in...

...fucking thick cunts

marry anti-to-net - where sword meets trident in the gladiatorial arena of truth said...

yes, fracking all over the world...

...our politicians want it both ways, don't they? using barriers against free-trade and wars of exploitation, they seek to disenfranchise the ordinary peoples of africa and the middle-east, yet meantime seek to maintain iron border controls which restrict the freedom of movement - similarly, they wish to discriminate against british citizens, both politically, ethnically and socially, in order to maintain an underclass from the existence of which they draw for themselves the comforting illusory affirmation of an elite ruling-class, yet whilst arbitrarily barring so many common people from the cash-tapped positions in the club de cachet, our social superiors are also set on sabotaging the meagre bent counterbalance of the rigged welfare safety-net.

of course in a merit-driven world of fair opportunity, there would be no need for welfare-benefits, but then the upper-handed high-class would have no means of controlling the population through the rationing of essentials such as accommodation, which is currently doled-out as 'social' housing by the big-house-members of a very anti-social state. the next step will be to manipulate the electorate by bribing british residents with preferential pecking on the council-housing waiting-list and consequently leaving immigrants out-in-the-cold - but socially-controlled-housing is as it was always envisaged to be, simply a black-hearted blackmailer's buy-off in an artificially slanted society, and would be redundant in a community of true opportunity and choice where all would have a chance to earn a private living and buy commodities from a professionally supplied private-market.

today, however, even social-justice has been warped, and those who find themselves outside its democratic demesne feel the respectful requirement to exact revenge through-riot for their fallen brothers-in-rejection, yet nevertheless still somehow expect justice within the official courthouse; indeed, on the obverse side of the coin, i'm sure that members of a public jury have no illusions as to the truth of the matter when called to decide a clear-cut case where law-officers have gunned down an unarmed gang-member in a pre-meditated cold-blooded execution, because as law-abiding local citizens they live on the very same streets as the victim of the blatant blue-capped state-crime, but perversely the dozen deliberators will remain obstinate and judge such a murder as 'lawful', predominately due to their inner despairing disgust at the violence and intimidation with which other such criminals rule their own home neighbourhoods - this may not in all honesty be a fair decision found in court, nor however are habitual actual-bodily street-crimes, and in all truth, neither the riotous wave of street-justice nor the reactively rigged retribution of court-justice are ever right on the swings and roundabouts of roughshod reality.

so at both ends of the scale we have those who want to have their moral cake and eat it...and we know only to well whither that extreme balance of brutality leads.

the facts of established jurisprudence said...

as selected, the majority of the jury felt itself under the cosh of crime more than under the cosh of the police and redressed the balance of power as it saw fit within the confines of its limited reality - that's what juries do, they are not absolutely objective.

tax-funded government by extortion produces self-selecting self-serving tribunal wthout independence said...

and the jury is selected by the law...

get real

article six of the european convention on human rights said...

in the determination of his civil rights and obligations or of any criminal charge against him, everyone is entitled to a fair and public hearing within a reasonable time by an independent and impartial tribunal established by law.

were the police marksman who murdered mark duggan to be tried by a jury of elders drawn from broadwater farm, tottenham, would such a tribunal be any more impartial than the one convened at the inquest?

that is the question

spark up said...

i don't know why anyone expects our justice system to be fair and impartial, it has a common paymaster with the police force, and that paymaster is the state, which funds all operations and government departments from tax monies extorted under the threat of legally imposed imprisonment - considering this, i'm surprised that more defendants do not refuse to accept the authority of the courts, by challenging their jurisdiction under article six of the european convention on human rights.

members of the criminal world are never tolerated by the police force and justice system unless they play ball by snooping for the authorities or carrying out surveillance and intimidation operations for the cia against those who dissent from the established authority - that is the system and always will be.

don davy dimwad said...

well i like a spliff as much as the next guy and i don't agree with the notion that i'm somehow the fairy godmother of a gangster-tapping state, i think people have got it all totally wrong - ok so i control the fourth largest arms arsenal anywhere in the world, though i'm actually investing in immense future firepower capability to combat the growing grouse problem; i'm building two bumping new aircraft-carriers to deal with the extra-capacity requirements at london heathrow airport, together with type-45 doomsday destroyers and a new type of fuck-off johnny-foreigner frigate, but that's all purely to control immigration; yes, i've ordered a massive investment programme of 160 billion pounds in cutting-edge gear of mass destruction, but it's obviously for defence purposes only and forms an integral part of the work programme and the jobcentre's new employment creation scheme; also, i won't deny i've gone over to my mate's place across the water in washington and procured a replacement for trident, my submarine-mounted nuclear-weapon system, however i can honestly swear i've never touched it and keep it safely tucked out of sight in an old woolly white sports-sock with a-hole init labelled "hague".

yeah cool man, mi fullsome an freely admit mi one bambi big-shot in term a defendin mi self-respeck an mi no ashame te say dat so long ass mi be prime mobster an biggest-baddest yardiebirdman mi prepare te blass away di resta humanity dem jus te save numero uno in numero tenno an dat de way it gonna stay bwoy, unless di chinese feds dem set me up, bust mi ride, drag me out onta da hard colt tarmac an giv mi da piece 45 te da back mi head dem t'rasss.

echo dimbo said...

the crucifixion of christ was a direct consequence of davy dimrod's refusal to love his neighbours and his ideological insistence on denying them lebensraum in inngland.

farmer smith said...

well you see dimbo, some arseholes need more room for manœuvre than others.

fifty-nine years a cunt (part one) said...

i'm a quiet sort of a bloke, mainly because i spend a vast deal of time extracting my own crud-encrusted welly from the back of my throat, but in a deep emergency, i find the local notional health service provides a marvellous service too (although waiting-times for treatment may vary according to the prime minister's mood and the voting persuasion of the medical-staff on duty)...

...other reasons for my lips remaining sealed include the concerted and protracted sucking of cia cock-and-bull, and the masking tape which my colleagues use to gag-and-bind me during the course of cabinet meetings (actually, that's a tip my dear wife passed on to them)...

...however, certain times do present themselves in life when the cupped-hands and pacifiers of outrageous social-restraining-orders simply cannot hold me, and i am compelled by conscience to pass comment, even if i am forced (by above-mentioned circumstances) to do so via the rear-view pressure-valve installed in my bum-hole for just such occasions ...

...and indeed, when it comes to promulgating my worthy opinions, there is no time so pressing as when i feel that natural human urge to blow my own trumpet...

...yes, i am a man of many seemingly conflicting faeces, yet effortlessly succeed in combining them all into one rock, one steaming ship, unifying each personality into one superinhuman being which will one day rise above the ephemeral considerations of ordinary men as they scrimp and scrape through life, devotedly climbing the walls of the benefit office in order to be granted a symbolic crust of brown bread...

...some people call me the rhinostone cowboy, some call me mr universe of swanbourne village...

...and despite some jealous criticism, i perceive no ideological contradiction in simultaneously modelling myself upon sir winston churchill (the carpet-bombing mass-murderer of german civilians, who presided over the racial genocide of kenyan tribesman as a retiring encore), upon baroness thatcher (the leader who amassed a family fortune flogging super-weapons of destruction to dictators, the lady who inspired men to sacrifice their lives in order to save the souls of south-atlantic sheep, and the grocer's daughter who single-handedly revolutionized the labour work-programme, which was the pits, by transforming it into an enduring indigenous culture of benefits-for-life, thus making the welfare-state an indispensable part of modern british society and herself achieving the distinction of becoming the pin-up climax of a monetarist wet-dream), and last-but-not-least upon sir william wilberforce (the 'reformer' who whilst in parliament bungled through the abolition of the word 'slavery', but won great fame for replacing it with the word 'apprentice', the 'missionary' who, long after slave-trading was made illegal, covered-up and condoned its continued practice in sierra leone in order to facilitate the self-enrichment of his landowning chums, and the 'humanitarian' who at home in britain not only opposed giving workers the right to organise into unions and then opposed an investigation into the peterloo massacre of early trade-union protesters by british army cavalry, but also supported the suspension of the habeas corpus legal right of detainees to appear in court before a judge and then supported william pitt's "gagging bills", which banned meetings of more than 50 people and allowed anti-constitutional speakers to be arrested on pain of harsh penalties)...

...in fact in all these heroic figures of british political and social progress, i see, as if through the dim looking-glass of history, features of myself...

(continued below)

fifty-nine years a cunt (part two) said...

...and then there are the popstars who give me the inspiration to perform as a politician...

marc bolan with children of the revolution...

bob marley with exodus...

and our hometown aylesbury hero, john otway, with really free...

yeah, i'm thinking of doing some cover-versions of my favourite hits, you know, here's one i prepared earlier...mmm...


i wanna break free (weally weally fwee)
from endless cups of state-subsidized parlia-men-tary tea... (and biscuits)
i wanna break free from the gold-plated nips
and the double-benefits of my sleaszy seckretree...
and god knows,
god knows i'm sick of dave's cock up me

i gotta a real job
i gotta real job for the first time
i'm in love with myself gonna
be a grand-pillock of com-ed-y
god knows,
god knows i gotta real job

(guitar solo)
wanggawangwangatwanka
wawaaaawooooowaaaa
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
(end guitar solo)

so baby can't you see
i gotta break free from the house of commons car-ver-y
i gotta break free (really really fwee)
i wanna be twee, yeah
i want, i want, i want, i want to break free from parliamentary expenses slav-er-y...



by iain dumcunt-smith (that's my witty nom-de-spume, you see, or perhaps i'll just call myself iain odway and the cuntheads or something, bit punkyish)

it's not quite ready for release yet, you realize, but that's the draft version i've been working-over with wild willy hague down in betsy's local (he's jammin-up an 'i wanna make tea' version, but i can't see how those lyrics gonna bed-down with the freddy mercury show-boating on stage)...so it's all scribbled down on a hansard-brewery beer-mat, which could become quite valuable in years ahead...yeah, maybe 'tips' instead of 'nips' could add some extra double entendre and lend to the radical critique of the corruption creeping through our government system...bit of hammering-out required yet i reckon...promising tho', tho' i say it myself...and raspberry records have already shown an interest if what i'm hearing on the grapevine is true...mmm...really starting to get into the integral beat man...can't wait to do the promotional video...

...but you know, despite all this creativity flowing from me (nice rhyme that), i looked at marc and bob, and i still felt there was something missing in my life...

....and then i caught this new film twelve years a slave (it's all about the disintegration of the established social order and how my ancestors were cruelly deprived of their traditional nob-right privileges as lords of the manor, a horrific heart-rending tale of white-man's woe portrayed as a stylish satirical spoof of the depressingly dull european arthouse movie genre, although i didn't actually get that particular nuance myself...however mike the glove assures me that this is indeed the correct interpretation)...

anyhow, half-way through, i was sitting right there in the cinema, still musing along about bob and marc's success and where i'd gone wrong, mulling over how things were so much better back in the day in the swinging 60s and 70s when i was young blue-badged and blazered...and then the penny just plopped, like a brick on my consciousness...and i just thought "got to get back my roots, yeah"...it's got hit hit hit written all over it guys...but it could have something to do with the all the trials and tribulations i've had to overcome to reach the position i'm in today...and boy has it been hard headwind i've had to endure...especially when you consider all the personal difficulties i've encountered en root...yes, and i can proudly state that i've never opted for the easy road and claimed any form of incapacity benefits, and that's despite my follicles growing inward and irreversibly woollying-up my brain...

(continued below)

fifty-nine years a cunt (part three) said...

essentially, i have come to recognize that for the average unskilled brit there exist three basic career-choices:

either you join the government work-programme and do meaningless paperwork until getting marched off to sweat for some really ruthless low-rent british firm which hasn't got a hope-in-hell of balancing it's books without the side-benefit of free labour from the jobcentre...

or you get a government job administering the work-programme at a non-profit-making charity for well-remunerated directors, where you mercilessly whip and wind-up jobseekers until they snap emotionally - thus providing the department for work and pensions a hypothetical excuse for cutting the allowance of aforesaid guideline-transgressors who have recklessly stepped on a crack in the crazy-welfare-paving.

or you jump into the first menial job you can find slogging-away mindlessly for a multi-national scam-shop-operation run by the cia.

or you marry a rich bucks bitch with fifty-quid notes fizzing from her fanny, and then get yourself shoe-horned into a slushy political slot by her greenbelted gent of a daddy.

clearly, it's of great detriment to the economy to allow jobseekers the time, space and freedom to find employment compatible with their experience and qualifications (or to self-engineer and manufacture their own viable small enterprise) when they could expediently be bullied and bounced into a low-paid post propping-up a failing state-subsidized fiasco fabricated solely for the flaccid enrichment of already financially-enhanced freeloaders, who now count in our society as fully paid-up politically-approved members of the well-classified country-club.

truly, i hark back to the plantation days of plentiful pressed-labour with a hankering of deep-noted nostalgia. what is freedom without the heaven-sent opportunity to give-up one's life for the betterment of those in command of the biggest battalions? what is the freedom to fall upon stony times compared with the gift-to-graft for the graced-and-favoured, the all-in-package deal to the costa penitencia, selflessly granted upon the poor such that they might be guaranteed complimentary free-entry into the gates of god's post-life palace of unlimited pension-plans?

nevertheless, despite my sentimental desire for a one-way return to the golden days of full-employment which our forefathers so enjoyed in centuries past, i do not in fact propose to re-institute the outdated practice of transatlantic-style slavery, because that recruitment method was undeniably racist - no, i am committed to a brand new progressive form of compulsory-national-recruitment which will offer persons of every colour, creed and culture the once-in-a-lifetime, yet equal, opportunity to knock their nuts out for the glory of god almighty, the british economy, and me. yes, gone are the days when we had the wholly unacceptable situation of administrating generically different systems of forced-labour in separate countries and states, the previous legislation was an absolute nightmare to manage and was far too complex for potential press-gang-masters and international conglomerate-employers who had to operate beneath its radar - therefore we are currently in the process of introducing the concept of an ultra-simplified compulsory-recruitment-programme, which will hereafter be called universal bondage.

(continued below)

fifty-nine years a cunt (part four) said...

my vocation is to liberate the unclassified peoples of britain from the intolerable moral burden of receiving income without earning it - this is the arcane right and duty of those who are born into the divine reich of the aristocracy, or those who hob-nobbed their way-in by the backdoor of insufferable obeissance and bunging a bun in the right aga - and i promise to unshackle the minimum-waged from the responsibility of examining the ethical question of how their employer rakes a profit, be it from addictive prescription drugs, booze, betting, grotesquely malnourishing grub, arms-dealing, illegal warfare, third-world exploitation or city-sanctioned bank-jobs - henceforth, my flock of flotsam now have a license to turn a blind-eye and not bother themselves where the buck stops. we the stuff-shirted spiritual mentors of this land, stuck-up where we belong, cannot tolerate the unthinkable possibility that the underclass could demonstrate its possession of a collective conscience or work-ethic, or as independant traders be permitted to develop such moral qualities through any manner of innovative individuality, self-sponsored education, and self-employment. we will no longer be a nation of shopkeepers, we will forever become a nation of shopworkers and shelfstackers of shoddy mass-produced overseas goods - well, you-lot will be anyroads...

i can assure you that i know how the other-half lives, i've watched benefit street on the telly, and me and my brethren are mortally shocked that the long-termed unemployed are scoring better dope than we are ourselves in parliament and the upper echelons of coke-snorting high-society - i also totally refute the ridiculous rumour that this series is a spoof-documentary set-up to take the pee out of narrow-minded snotcakes like me by pandering to our prejudiced views of commoners and by parodying our puerile irresponsible behaviour in parliament and the british establishment. the question as to whether 'white d' is more caring, less mouthy, and commands more authority than 'bald d' is not on the table for d-scussion, ever.

i believe that cutting the welfare state of health and benefits down to the bare bone is the right thing to do, even though this will inevitably mean that nearly two-thirds of the population will no longer see any damn point in paying their taxes - but that's college-boy osborne's bloody problem, not mine.

i fear that the combined-evils of long-term unemployment converging in concert with free school-music-lessons could bring-on the advent of hideous lay-about love-childs such as the sex pistols, ub40 or even dire straits, none of which groups set our youth a good example by buckling down and earning a steady wage in dead-end jobs.

yes, i sometimes behold our world and the miracle of how the lord created us in different nations, how he created us capitalist and communist - and in such a beautiful way that the communists do not believe in letting anyone out from their dominions, whilst the capitalists do not believe in letting anyone in - and how despite our radically polarized political preferences, we can still find enough common ground between us to put up a bloody great big border of barbed wire...and i think to myself...

...what a wonderful world.

agent 00 wilberfox - the true story said...

@fifty-nine years a cunt (part one)

having hijacked the concept of abolition from people like thomas clarkson, wilberforce effectively acted as a secret agent, facilitating the passing of anti-slave-trading legislation which assisted the british government in the prosecution of an international trade-war against the united states.

see wikipedia on the slavery abolition act 1833

britain's anti-slavery stance was not viewed as a benevolent one by some of the united states' senior politicians. in a january 24, 1842 letter to senator john c. calhoun, diplomat duff green wrote from paris after recently visiting london:

"england finds it impossible to maintain her commercial and manufacturing superiority, because she cannot raise cotton, sugar, etc., as cheap in india as it can be raised in the united states, cuba, and brazil, and that her war on slavery and the slave-trade is intended to increase the cost of producing the raw material in the united states, brazil, and cuba, that she can sell to other rival manufacturing, continental powers, the product of her east india possessions cheaper than they can purchase from us. if she can do this, having the power to compel her east india subjects to purchase her manufactures, and hers alone, she can, through her manufactures, command the supply of raw material, and thus compel rival manufacturing nations to pay her tribute, while she, in a great measure, controls the manufacture itself. ... under the aspects of the case, you will find that england has much more than a work of benevolence in the suppression of the slave-trade."



the above-held view was current at that period since the slavery abolition act 1833 cynically abolished slavery throughout the british empire with the exceptions "of the territories in the possession of the east india company," the "island of ceylon," and "the island of saint helena". moreover the slave trade act of 1807 (which abolished slave-trading but not slavery) would not have affected cheap labour in the east, but would have had a dramatic effect on the supply of slaves to the americas.

and on the subject of iain "funnel-em-into my firm" dumcunt smith - he's a multi-faceted multi-talented turd.

the wilberforce conspiracy said...

@agent 00 wilberfox - the true story

wikipedia: william wilberforce

wilberforce, the clapham sect and others were anxious to demonstrate that africans, and particularly freed slaves, had human and economic abilities beyond the slave trade; that they were capable of sustaining a well-ordered society, trade and cultivation.

the guy may not have been perfect, but in light of his commitment and above motivation, are you sure that wilberforce was in fact the cold calculating agent which you depict...?

spark up said...

well, i've been on a short sight-seeing trip to mars, discovered water, got tanked-up, pissed in a ten billion year old crater...

...and when i get back i find that the work-experience staff i left in charge have let loose a bunch of mad tory gits in the editorials...

oh golly gosh, i just don't believe it.

@agent 00 wilberfox - the true story

the one sure similarity between wilberforce and damcunt smith is that they both share the fate of having being used by their respective governments for purposes which have little or no bearing on liberty...

...by the way, dumcunt is not 'multi-talented' but 'multi-talentless' - he does not appear to be making any savings, in fact the reverse is probably true, and he is simply making a bodged-job of implementing a long-proposed benefit-streamlining project (universal crudites or croutons, depending on your class and political viewpoint) which has been moving glacially through the civil-service pipeline for at least twenty or maybe even thirty years - so he is certainly no ideological innovator, let alone a welfare-prophet-pop-star. (see negative income tax)

as i've mentioned before, i can't criticize dumcunt smith for the principle of opposing the welfare-state, because, given that the money for benefits and services has to come from somewhere, or someone, this constitutes a perfectly legitimate standpoint for a politician to take - although obviously he's too cowardly to admit to holding such a view, and in point of truth quite plainly pursuing his aims through a sneaky secret agenda of sub-democratic demolition.

another fundamental problem with dumcunt's hedge-cutting campaign, is that, whilst proclaiming his mission to abolish what he regards as 'undeserved perks for the under-performing poor', he has shown utterly no commitment to reforming the established vice of the british class-system, which permits the old filthy-wealthy to maintain their position of privilege on the comfy class-cushion by doing little more than occasionally casually brushing-up their corrupt contacts with those in power.

moreover, by virtue of vindictively hounding the economically unproductive who are in receipt of public funds, whilst himself accepting a huge state salary of £134,565 for achieving next-to-bugger-all, dumcunt ably demonstrates the dangerous degree to which he is psychologically blinkered to his own hypocrisy - i say 'dangerous' here, because it is actually no accident that this cabinet minister is also effectively demanding jobseekers to take-up 'any-old' employment, even where the derivation of their employers' profits could prove to be business which is dirty or downright immoral, and thus he wants jobseekers, in common with his-own-rotten-self, to be blinkered to the benefits of badness so that the whole subdued country may as one job-lot slip down acquiescently stumm into the soft slimy gutter-void where his decency and remnant human integrity should have been located.

of course, it's worth noting that the pittance of public money paid to jobseekers does in fact count as their only means of financial support, whereas dumcunt smith and co, living in rent free accommodation and nannied-to-fuck by the clan, are well-sorted, and loaded for life, just like the dodgy democratic dice they use.

as for persons lounging-about strumming the guitar on the smoking sofa of state-subsidy, i think the inherent dangers of discord are quite obvious, mr cunt.

ni number: qe 00 01 10 00 re said...

one must say...one must totally disagree with the silly deconstructive analyses of herr dumcunt's policies which appear to be popping-up, nay sprouting, with a pernicious pandemic prolificacy upon this discussion thread, and one must insist that the public peasants perform their work-programme duties pronto-fashion, it forms part of one's national heritage, and theirs too...

...one must recognize facts, one must, and as the number one lady jobseeker, one accepts that one must fulfil all one's own royal work-programme obligations without question, ya...

...in one's personal case, one pulls a minimum of ten fancy cords a day (generally to summon a serf)...

...prinz fillyspit drinks a minimum of ten bottles of double-malt scotch a day...

...the prinz of intellectual vales converses with a minimum of ten potted-plants a day...

...prinz willy gives kate one big royal one a minimum of ten times a day...

...and prinz hairy-bollocks performs a minimum of ten heil hitlers a day

...and yet despite all one and one's crew's blind commitment to duty, you now report that one's effing plebs are revolting...?

...one really feels this to be a bit of a bally cheek, ya...

...not-to-mention a blooming liberty.

enter boris the blue-eyed beagle - master of the slaughter-cannon said...

@spark up

the sad part of all this 'prole'-baiting in which duncan smith so loves to indulge, is that there are probably many rich guys around our country who manage their businesses and estates reasonably and responsibly, but tragically, the arrogant stupidity of smith's political attitude is creating a class-war atmosphere so acidic that all affluent propertied families will inevitably become prime-targets for ideological reprisals by left-wing lunatics from the commie revolutionary brigade - of course, i suppose this sort of violently divisive situation is exactly what boris and cameron really want, because in their eyes, it provides the perfect excuse to send in the likes of commander hellfire-harry to strafe inner-city council-estates for a spot of tally-ho aristo blood-sport.

betsy - queen of harrods said...

ooooh yippeeee

bagsy i ride in hellfire-harry's cockpit and hold his joystick steady while he spanks some off

wooooooooooh

the armchair anarchist said...

the loony right-wing of the conservative party wishes to disavow the authority of the european union and the european court of human rights, and by doing so is setting a principle which legitimizes the actions of those who choose not to recognize any other sphere of government, be it in westminster or the local town hall.

naturally, wise old heads will warn that the absence of government (a bunch of legal gangsters) inevitably allows criminal gangsters to extend their operations and gain more power, however i look at it like this: in our present vicious, uncompromising, all-or-nothing hierarchy, either the government must run the gangsters, or the gangsters must run the government - if it is the government running the gangsters, then the absence of government would undermine the power of gangsters, and if it is the gangsters running the government, then the absence of government would give gangsters more time to help little old ladies across the road...

...so by my reckoning it's a win-win situation, with the bottle of whiskey half-full.

fifty-nine years a cunt (part two) said...

part two (above), last paragraph should have read:

and boy has it been a hard headwind i've had to endure...

may i offer my sincerest apologies, no-one's perfect.