Monday, 28 October 2013

tescop mobile casts blacks, irish, and yappy border-collie-schnauzers
as negative rôle-models

the television ads grimly make their point, in a coldly dictatorial don't-you-dare-me dispassionate fashion, reprovingly repressing the punter's right to disrespect the chose-us-or-else phone-package product currently being pushed by our premier purveyor of mercantile correctness, but the posters and photo-stills, show-bizarrely snapped for this take-no-prisoners neurotic-colonialist campaign, are just depressingly drab, to a degree which is devoid of any compelling human connectivity, especially this one, that is reminiscent, in its morosely melodramatic mood, of the no ifs, no buts benefit-fraud warnings, or perhaps those old-style drives to deter tube-fare-dodging where the isolated individual is detected and depicted in the clinical grey light-beam of cinéma vérité virtuousness.

reproachfully inhibiting potential customers' freedom of expression whilst denying the strategically selected star-performers an opportunity to shine-up their cv with effortlessly effusive verbal wit, would seem to be sending out completely the wrong message for a communications company (which is after all aiming buzby-like to promote profitable banter along their pay-lines), and it also has the professionally distasteful side-effect of somehow lacing the long-term memory with the unhappy image of a frustrated or failed comic.

indeed, this advertizement's atmosphere is so grim 'n gritty when observed in bare newsprint, that i simply can't avoid the gnawing afro-sensitive thought that there might have been a definite, deliberate and devious attempt by the w an' k agency to promote a culture of negative socio-racial stereotyping.

of course, i don't for one thousandth of a nano-moment blame this communo-ethnic betrayal on gina lashaway, ed airstack or dear old ronnie corgiette, who in their blithe political naïveté have all been well exploited here and comprehensively taken-in (unlike those termed 'immigrants' in this country, who from the 1950s and 60s to the present day have habitually been refused private accommodation by prejudiced scum-landlords on the grounds of skin-colour or national origin alone), yet obviously, no matter how accomplished an artist, the nightmare of being haunted by the curse of unimaginative and mediocre commercial production values is the eternal risk taken by a comedian when being remunerated for performing other people's dodgy material, as opposed to working-up his own scripts on the hazardous trail of trial and error, or even remunerating a copy-writer for quality lines at the correct market-price.

however, quite frankly, i consider it a damnable disgrace that, ranking alongside the randy romford rascal as one of britain's top-rated contemporary comedy acts, ms grievous lashearache, having gigged her friggin' arse off and made it bloody big-time over in the states, has been condescendingly palmed-off with such a fucking naf ad-spot - so let's hope, for her and her colleagues' sakes, that the mobile merchandise in question now lives up to the billing...

...because let's face facts, there's not much good publicity to be gained from associating with tescops otherwise - it's not as if this business, which enjoys the forced labour of unemployed jobseekers for free, is known as a burning beacon of charity...

...i mean-to-say, what's the chance of an establishment-approved outfit like w an' k or tescops (the firm which volunteered itself as a public immigration-surveillance department) dipping into the billions they've reaped in profits to fund a community information campaign against racial discrimination, hey?  would you join a phone-network which was run by a management once more-than-willing to monitor their customers on behalf of the government?

nevertheless, in conclusion, i must confess that there are already several alternative analyses doing the rounds which tend to contradict my afore-mentioned supposition that this multi-national operator indulged in cynical manipulation of multi-culturalism - the most compelling theory being that mega euro-mobster, mad ronnie kickbutt, was actually the gangster initially responsible for feeding the notorious reputation-damaging horsebeef into the retail-supply-chain earlier this year, and then helpfully popped-up to tender tescops his magic "mob-a-job" brand-relaunder-and-relaunch-service, although only on the strict condition that both his afro-caribbean east-end-moll and his long-haired gay-lover got some gratuitous greasy graft from the deal too.

clearly, i couldn't possibly comment.

Sunday, 13 October 2013

ed shows di true colour of his knickers

this week's shadow-cabinet reshuffle shows that ed rubberband, the prodigal neo-colonialist puppet, has been mercilessly zapped back into the indoctrinated line of new-weird-odour mercenaries by his political handler, 'big' bro dave, who on behalf of the cia operates the labour party leader from the other side of north atlantic geo-political rift...

...for there was no way in the enwhitened and enamelled world of western democracy that a black woman, holding a seat in a british opposition shadow-cabinet, could possibly help instigate a lightening left-wing rebellion against the bastard blood-lusting proposals for a us war of aggression in the middle-east, make consequential international willies of the predator and vice-predator of the undead states of america, and in the process upset the vampire-in-waiting capillary clinton's carefully laid plans for an economically face-saving apocalypse, yet still hope to hang on to her racially-profiled frontline job...

...naturally, with a token afro-caribbean and a token asian already squatting proudly in the inner-circle of labour party chiefs, diane abbott was not only considered out of order politically and out of favour personally, but also above quota ethnically...

...indeed, although not great in physical stature, the former shadow health minister's ungraciously-engineered dismissal will leave a big gap on the opposition frontbench in parliament which will be filled by much slighter ladies, with far prettier cia-compatible politics, who will possess neither the experience, muscle, nor minds broad enough to force their leader into a corner of conscience and exercize him ethically unto the point where he might once more feel moved to face down the assembled forces of evil as they seek to scam quasi-legislative approval for the unjustified unleashing of unending unlawful war...

...we won't ever again be seeing a labour shadow-minister dementedly jumping up and down outside the prime minister's official residence in protest at our country's participation in illegal military aggression against foreign powers - the miliband cabinet's complacently compliant now... time around, when the witch obama and his coven decide to conjure-up a conflagration of carnage to cap all cruel conflicts, the big political activist with the big mouth, from the small, so-called 'unimportant' constituency of hackney north and stoke newington, will not be there to bend ed the unred by his ear, whisper some sweet common-sense somethings into it, and let him hear the anti-war message passed down the gripevine by the unminted millions to whom morality matters...

...and who's now going to remind mr milibrit about the impending dangers of using arse-ignorant immigration policy to fluff-up the racist vote and frig-off fans of fascism...?  who's going to remind him that immigration restriction, the cia's favourite tool of torture against those born on the wrong side of the earth, leads to two-speed international socialism, a passport to poverty for the underprivileged exploited billions, and brown bodies rotting and rocking away at the bottom of our trench-trap oceans, swaying unconcerned in the eternal watery hammocks of their holed-dreams, after the boat-babies' deluded bids for some place a bit better...floundered...?  and who's going to remind him that whilst watchtower europe allows certain slaves entry to service the market, it calculatingly jettisons others to indemnify its social welfare program and preserve our state of lawful ignorance...regarding the global trade in humanity...?

...yes, when it comes to questions of race, mr miliband will always put his own first, because otherwise he knows he will receive a firm but frosty phone-call from the family - as he no doubt did before chucking diane overboard, along with the votes of many non-mainstream minorities, the ideological left, and any remaining chance of preventing his party from splitting asunder before the next general election...

...really, it seems such a dictatorial disgrace for this wet young woolly-brained whippersnapper to so disrespectfully ram a mute down the throat of such a senior advisor...

...but whilst there won't be any claim lodged for either race or age discrimination...

...the leader of the labour party will be held to account for his selfish actions... the public polls.

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

the curious incident of the dork who didn't budge at the right time

inexplicably, bodge-it-man iain duncan smith, the bungling blue-meanister who has already recklessly blown millions on his notorious universal haircut (projected date for complete super-smooth roll-back: 2017), retains his precarious position in dave clingon's government as the most hated man in britain - despised indeed by broad cross-sections of benefit-claimants, working-classes, people with disabilities, ethnic minorities, and grass-roots conservatives alike...

...incredibly, even some high-ranking colleagues in cabinet hate the cunt...

...coz he always claims he's got some-shit in the pipeline, but then the system gets blocked, and he can't budge-it... with a record of career-failure as long as his cobbled-together cock-up of a cv (contrived version), why have captain skid's mortal enemies, the bounty-hunting crew of fair-weather frigate, miliband's revenge, not yet handed this chronically constipated cabinet-minister the dreaded 'back-spot'...? (a largely ceremonial parliamentary procedure, which is traditionally performed by frantically digging-up the requisite degree of ritual dirt to despatch the accursed-one forthwith to a mossy park-bench in the bleak backwoods of bucks)

...and the answer to this ostensibly unfathomable parliamentary mystery is of course that captain plebwash is doing more damage to the conservative-government whilst stationed at the helm of his own morally and systemically misfiring departmental-destroyer than the shampooed shadow-boxers in the lack-labour opposition ever could hope to...

...nice work dave.

Friday, 4 October 2013

trial by template

there's a funny squiggly little shape somebody once drew on a map which some people call "britain",

some people love it, some people hate it,

but millions of people who live in the funny squiggly little shape don't even believe it exists, and believe instead that they live in different-shaped funny squiggly little things with differently-spelt funny squiggly little names,

and then again, many others believe they don't live in a funny squiggly-shaped little thing at all, nor do they have any emotional feelings for it, because it's an abstract and arbitrary political construct which only has real significance for those people who believe it exists because they believe they rule it and for those other people who believe it exists but don't themselves believe they rule it because they give money to the people they do believe rule it;

ed, dave, nick and nige believe it exists because they believe they rule it and will get money from other people who don't themselves believe they rule it,

but obviously if those other people didn't believe ed ruled it and ed didn't believe he would get money from them, then ed wouldn't believe he ruled it and wouldn't have to believe it existed,

and so ed wouldn't have to defend his dad's name when other people who believe it does exist accuse his dad of hating it because ed would simply submit that he could not believe his dad to have hated something which he himself didn't actually believe to exist,

and which in any case, being a good marxist, ed's dad knew never fucking well existed in the first place,

although naturally i mention this last point notwithstanding the remote theoretical possibility that he may have had, on occasion, good, just and reasonable cause,

to cuss it off really rotten like.

Wednesday, 2 October 2013

tescrow: the company with a possum in the tank

in chief-wally cameron's grand british massage-parlour of opportunity, the socially-sensible saintsbury's have opted to decline the government's free-gift of financially-forced-labour, rail-roaded from the job-camps of the unemployed, whilst in contrast, horse-traders tesconscripts have rushed-in to fill their inhumanely resourced boutiques from the disenfranchised ranks of press-ganged claimant-crews, shackled by circumstance of regressive elitist economics to benefit-workfare scams...

...and well, credit where credit's due, i suppose...

...because quarter-on-quarter, smart-thinking sensbury's profits are up, yet over a comparable period, tricky-tacky thicko's earnings are now slumbering... seems that's the price you pay these-days for operating as a 'charitable' community-centric concern...

...and for those job-seekers not fortunate enough to be chosen to work identical shop-hours for unequal amounts of individually-assessed employment and housing benefits, there's the once-in-a-lifetime chance to get a taste of hypothetical-money doing a real job - when iain duncan smith miraculously recreates the genuine work-experience right there in the jobcentre, or a not-for-profit company which produces sweet fanny except big salaries for its fat batch of directors...

...yeah, really...

...billions of pounds are going to be splashed on simulating 'the real thing' in the hot-house industrial environment of politically-controlled public offices...

...except obviously, as one of the lucky-millions, you won't ever be sacked, get promoted, earn a bit extra by grafting on overtime, gain the emotional satisfaction of creating wealth with which to feed you or your family, learn handy transferable skills, or produce anything of any intrinsic utilitarian or monetary value whatsoever... matter how much official cock you copiously successfully suck...

...but at least the obsessively moral supervision will keep you safe from accessing the incalculably evil and invisible realm of the mystical and unethical black-market economy, where you might just earn a few bob on-top of your state-allowance for tidying up some old granny's back-garden...

...moreover you'll trudge home each evening, dog-tired after a hard day's work, deliriously happy however in the knowledge that, like the billionaire businessmen of britain, you'll be taxed bugger-all...

...and then of course there will be the added bonus of doing something conscientious which contributes to the construction of a fairer, more equal and just society...

...such as:

  • painting parliament blue...and then maybe orange, or purple and yellow according to general preference

  • painting nuclear power-stations green

  • painting black people white and white people black...whilst offering mixed-race citizens and asians the choice of either colour-scheme

  • painting wind-turbines khaki-'n-camouflage to give them the enhanced ecologically-pleasing appearance of giant whirring metallic trees

  • and painting all military personnel, plus their equipment, weapons, trucks and tanks, a pretty shade of a prelude to exporting this graphic concept-industry to the united states in the form of an all-inclusive designer make-over-service for marines...

...oh what a wonderful world this will be...

Sunday, 22 September 2013

obama's war on nuns

i realize there may have been some confusion surrounding this issue...

...but right from the hazy dawn of this blog's creation up to the present, the clear official spark up! position on nuclear weapons has been that every citizen on god's beautiful globe should have ready access to one - for reasons of personal protection - and indeed, in an ideal world, it's my firmly held belief that the liberal governments of our world would preferably provide each of us with our own mini domestic arsenal which we could keep safely tucked-away in a bunker located either under the stairs, under the kitchen-sink, in the garden-shed, or housed in some other such handy homely facility...'s a basic human right for heaven's sake...

...moreover, we've all heard about how president obama is denying his people fundamental freedoms...

...for example, the freedom of transvestite soldiers, like sergeant bradley manning, to speak-out about the serial mass-murder of non-americans in the middle-east and africa by members of the united states military - merciless acts of terror which have been formally and generically authorized by high-ranking officers in the united states army and the political administration...

...well get this... the president's crew are refusing an 83-year-old nun, called sister megan rice, the right to bare the truth about obama's secret hoarding of weapons of mass destruction, which he's keeping all for himself, and not sharing with the rest of us...

...obviously, being a christian, rice, the robed-revolutionary, was appalled at her president's uncharitable selfishness and protested by breaking into the y-12 nuclear weapons factory at oak ridge national laboratory in tennessee, which happens to be guarded by cia contractors g4s...

...according to the prosecution case proposed by paranoid government authorities, our hooded heroine actually wanted to construct her own domestic atom-bomb in order to get-shot of a few particularly stubborn insurgent weeds (of the genus prickius politicus) which were staging a bit of an ugly uprising in her otherwise placid herb-garden, and thus she urgently required a few rods of weapons-grade uranium... unlikely story, one would think...

...however, as a result of her religiously-motivated non-violent anti-war actions, the poor-old dear's been convicted of "intending to injure, interfere with, or obstruct the national defense of the united states", been branded a terrorist by the state, and is facing 35 years in prison alongside christian pacifist compatriots greg boertje-obed, 57, and michael walli, 63... matters stand, the indomitable sister megan rice, a veteran peace-campaigner, tough communion-wafer, and member of the anti-nuclear weapons movement, transform now plowshares, is currently being detained without bail at irwin county detention facility in ocilla, georgia, pending sentencing which will take place on tuesday, january 28, 2014, before district judge amul thapar in the federal court in knoxville, tennessee...

...yet meanwhile, the incumbents of the white house, allegedly also in pursuit of peace, are legally allowed to get hold of syria's chemical missiles and attempt to nick iran's nukes without any threat of arrest whatsoever... it's one rule for mr obama, and another for everybody else...

...weapons of mass destruction are just too good for common people it seems - except when we are granted the infinitely gracious dispensation of being annihilated by them...

...and that's where it's at...

...the american president worships the warhead, placing it on a superior ethical plane way-above the heads of ordinary fellow human beings whom he would willingly sacrifice before ever contemplating the unilateral destruction of his insane uranium idol of moral oblivion.

Thursday, 29 August 2013

ed declines rôle as hinge to obama's racket

in the case of proposed british military intervention in the syrian civil-war, the legal opinion of the government attorney general, dodgy dominic grieve, is based wholly upon the unconfirmed presumption that a chemical attack took place and that it was perpetrated by syrian government forces - yet david cameron has produced no solid intelligence or scientific evidence to support this view, just hearsay and circumstantial evidence.

now then, the syrian government is brutal and repressive, much like our own british establishment
(although i grant that in recent times we haven't seriously tested the lash of its whip here at home in the uk, excepting of course in those cases where certain citizens' skin colour has accidentally offended our tone-sensitive authorities)...

...and because the people in ghouta have suffered horrendous barbaric bombardment, we are naturally all extremely sympathetic to their plight, and have no desire to insult their integrity and add to their already deep injury...

...however, the desperation of these syrian people, who are being targeted and slaughtered by their own government, could clearly lead them to resort to extreme measures in an attempt to induce the intervention of british, american, and french forces against their oppressor...

...therefore, having regard to the fact that the cia initially encouraged the syrian opposition to demonstrate and that cia involvement deliberately provoked the syrian government, which then proceeded to commit crimes against humanity...

...and also having regard to the fact that the united states government has sought to incite war in syria...

...and also having regard to the fact that the united states government is looking for the slightest excuse to attack syria, topple president assad, and replace his régime with its own brand of terror...

...and also having regard to the fact that, in the presence of united nations weapons inspectors, it makes no sense whatsoever for the syrian army to launch a chemical attack which could instigate crushing western intervention against its forces...

...and also having regard to the fact that there has been a retracted report of the cia helping rebels set up a false-flag chemical attack in order to lay blame for an atrocity on the syrian government (see alternative source 1, and alternative source 2)...

...and also having regard to the fact that syrian rebels have been discovered in possession of chemical weapons in turkey...

...and also having regard to the fact that the bitter syrian civil war is being fought down sectarian and tribal lines and so utterly intractable that any western intervention would never solve a dispute whose roots grow deep down into the centuries...

...and also having regard to the fact that our western intelligence agencies are notorious for arriving at dodgy conclusions...

...and also having regard to the fact that photographs of the aftermath of the halabja poison gas attack, in iraq, differ considerably in appearance from photographs of the alleged ghouta poison gas attack (see additional source 1, additional source 2, additional source 3, and additional source 4)...

...and also having regard to the fact that the british and united states governments have blatantly tried to bounce this decision on military intervention through our parliament before united nations weapons inspectors have properly been able to investigate the alleged ghouta poison gas attack...

...i'm bound to express my concerns that, notwithstanding the circumstance of the strike occurring at night-time, the scenes portrayed in the video-footage of the alleged ghouta poison gas attack seem unusually organized considering the horrific chaos which would be precipitated by such an event, the unmarked children seem to be sleeping or sedated, not dead, and a staged atmosphere seems to prevail throughout, wherein rescue-workers inexplicably omit to wear vital chemical protective suits. indeed, even the careful spacing of dead animals in the yard seems somewhat too regular and precise.

if my analysis is wrong here (i'm no expert on chemical weaponry), i sincerely apologize, but the feeling of something being 'not quite right' about these images is overwhelming, i'm afraid (see source 1, source 2, source3, and source 4).

i guess that ed miliband, together with many other members of parliament, has already sussed the suspicious or faked nature of the evidence provided and, by seductively holding the door ajar for military intervention (subject to improbable cast-iron confirmation from united nations weapons inspectors of a syrian government chemical attack), he is now allowing david cameron's feet to sink right down into the wet concrete, which will subsequently set rock-hard when the truth of the matter is finally revealed - and thus when the prime minister is duly and summarily ejected from parliament, he will have to hope that it is on the landward-side, where he can assume a statuesque position of dishonour alongside his fellow war-criminal, winston churchill, in parliament square, rather than on the river-side, where he would enjoy a class of more fishy company.

obviously, ed miliband should not have proposed any permutation of proof which would have obligated him to back a war against syria - he has given a hostage to fortune - so let us now pray that parliament will grant no authority for this war whatsoever, irrespective of the standard of war-crime evidence forthcoming.

Thursday, 15 August 2013

ed "chef" miliblend: i cooked it my way

guest post submitted by garnish ed:

today i decided to venture into london's african quarter in search of exotic new ingredients, and it was then that it hit me: you can't bake a bunch of cack without breaking any eggs...

...and you know strangely enough, the germ of this idea wasn't hatched by one of my afro-caribbean fans, but was volunteered by a supporter of english origin who just happened to be moonlighting as a messenger of abstract philosophical concepts - i sure didn't see that coming...

...but no need to dwell on circumstantial details, let me go back to the very beginning of the story in order to recount the exact sequence of events that led to the brain-storming session during which i was generously garnished with the full political facts... the proof of the pudding is in the eating, or so people say...and therefore whilst chatting up the local totty, i took the opportunity to test out my new immigration recipe on some of my admirers, simply to gauge their broad reaction, you see...

...obviously, we don't want our socialist party to be accused of racism or anythink like that..and this is why we agreed to divide the labour involved in pissing-off immigrants between ourselves and the conservatives, equally; dave said he didn't mind dealing with the illegals, who tend to be non-european and non-white - basically, he reckoned he wasn't bothered about being called 'racist' as he was looking to nail the nasty vote with his nasty-vans - whilst i was left to take on the poles who are usually of caucasian appearance... fact, to be brutally honest, i was really quite inspired by mr godzilla bloomer, who subliminally communicated to the electorate his subconscious desire to lynch black people by actually expressing his wish to personally hang terrorists - very subtle stuff, i thought...yes, by having a go at the polish it would give the heavily suggestive impression that we were bashing immigration in general, yet at the same time we couldn't be called 'racist' - clever, eh?  what's even better is that polish people would be confident in the knowledge that they couldn't be deported and be preferred for the jobs anyway, being far keener employees than benefit-blunted brits...and even better still, we would not, strictly speaking, be victimizing polish people but, rather, global business, like big bad tescops - well dodgy merchants, who, it turns out, offered to help the previous labour government spy on illegal immigrants... i mentioned already, you have to break things sometimes...but nevertheless it seems tescops constitutes a huge fucking corporate egg and doesn't much fancy getting smashed up...and besides, i'm told the polish are very americo-chummy sorta folks, like we'd better scratch that crafty little strategy...

...and also, mummy isn't too pleased about us harassing the poles...since she says they arranged her escape from the nazis during the second world war - whoops...

...anyway, i'm sure you get the general drift of our key-stone employment policy - brits are never going to get employed unless when in government we bribe companies to employ them by means of totally illegal equal-opportunities-busting financial incentives, or unless we force firms to employ them via equally illegal equal-opportunities-busting directives...or unless as a labour government we create a free-market promoting fair-competition and a level-playing-field for british utterly abolishing the welfare-state...and then err...losing the next general election...

...oh dear, do we have to interfere in the private affairs of companies...and force them to adopt alternative discriminative policies...?  surely, in a perfect world, they should be allowed to institute whatever anti-meritocratic selection system they fancy...and be free to fuck up their balance-sheet in the narrow-minded manner of their choice...?

...ah, apparently not...according to this text from it's a proxy government's solemn duty to stick it's oar in wherever it's not wanted...and to wiggle it around until the enterprise in question either goes down the plug-hole of ignorance or coughs up it's there we have it...

...we'll carry on chewing the trouser-legs of the big boys - who'll just tell us to piss off - and doggedly persist in our vain attempts to monitor the myriad activities of the swarm of smaller outfits...

...but hey, never mind all that sophisticated micro-managerial poppycock, at the end of the day, it's upholding core ideological principles that matters - and this primarily means:

i)  condoning every murderous neo-colonialist war of aggression in which the united states becomes engaged in order to exploit resources - for example, those which occurred in iraq, afghanistan, and libya. 
ii)  condoning the arming of military dictatorships, military factions, or police-states, such as those favoured in egypt, somalia, mali, or nigeria, in order to suppress local populations and provoke them into seeking reactionary sanctuary in islamic government, or islamic extremism, the manufactured emergence of which can subsequently be used as a convenient pretext for funding further oppressive military governments or wars of aggression, ad infinitum
iii)  condoning the arming of al qaeda, rebel, insurgency, or other tribal factions in order to overthrow governments which are not conducive to western corruption - such as has recently been the case in libya, syria, the ivory coast, and somalia. fundamentally you see, international socialism's all very straightforward and egalitarian, in my excessively educated opinion - imagine a multi-storey wedding-cake:

a)  the top tier of the wedge just gets shared between me and my mates in the shadow-cabinet, who then flog slices on to our capitalist mates at exorbitant rates. 
b)  the slightly more generous second tier is split between the remainder of the british population.
c)  the biggest bottom tier is divided equally between the fuck-knows-how-many-billions of piss-poor people around the world whose wealth and resources we systematically knock off to make the cake in the first place, and whose labour we continually exploit in dangerous mining or sweat-shop industries because we won't do any other kind of business with them - agro-commerce, for instance, which would provide citizens of poorer countries a sustainable and healthy living - although clearly, members of this global underclass are always free to immigrate to the united kingdom to dig up spuds and such for supply to british supermarkets like tescops, so long of course as these economically-pressed labourers remain working illegally and graft away for considerably below the national minimum wage.

...and there you have it, accessible tenets of kitchen-table socio-economics that the man-or-woman-in-the-street can readily grasp and utilize...

...dean porter certainly fucking well did.

(note to myself:...mmm...maybe make that an upside-down wedding cake...)

Thursday, 8 August 2013

spark up! artsflush exposé: bloomer busted in bunga bunga banana bonanza

yes, we can exclusively reveal that the english mep for yawn, waffle and humbug, stubbornly shitting it out at the centre of the latest storm in a coconut to whirl around britain, is not a racist at all, but is in fact an unlicensed and voluntary publicity agent for the world-renowned congolese soukous superstar, kanda bongo man, whose sweet sounds and eye-popping dance videos, are featured below:

kanda bogo man live ii
kanda bongo man live i
kanda bongo man - yolanda

according to various hot sauces in far-right humberside canteens, the notorious "anti-aid interview" in question was actually a massive publicity stunt designed to promote african pop-music and culture, and the ukblip pillock politician who masterminded it, mr godzilla bloomer, has now reluctantly agreed to retract his 'bongos', but apparently only after his party-pooping leader, mr niggle frigidildo, unsportingly held electrodes to them until long past last orders, when the shocking admission is said to have been pumped out.

however, despite this humanely-obtained confession to afro-centric advertizing, godzilla still flatly denies receiving any bananas, melons, mangos, coconuts or other fruits of the forest in return for his services, although bar-staff at his local drinking-hole have recently raised serious concerns over his ravenous appetite for peanuts and his tendency to squat down and dump huge piles of steaming dung on the pool-table.

performers in the international soukous community claim they have never heard of the big fat bastard and certainly haven't fed him, but they do recall noticing a weird-looking english guy at concerts who kept scratching his armpits and making odd grunting noises at the dancing-girls in an attempt to attract their attention through some strange form of mating-ritual - the man is described as white, middle-aged, and dressed in a dirty old raincoat.

Wednesday, 31 July 2013

barack bumps god

in assuming the divine might to kill whomsoever he chooses, to imprison whomsoever he chooses, and to stick his slimy snoop-a-holic nsa nose wherever he so chooses (when it's not browsing up the backside of neo-colonialist corporate america, that is), president barack obama has outscored the long line of powder-parasites who preceded him into the white house and risen on high, elevated in his own shimmering shaft of supreme slam-dunking arrogance, to supersede the most exalted administrative office of the great lord almighty himself.

through the power invested in him by his multi-national host of death-angels, military-intelligence minions, and their battalions of rogue-raiding private-investigators, who snuffle and root their way around the most intimate areas of our lives as they sow their sly seeds of wall-to-wall digital surveillance, this dubiously elected morality-monitor, perched atop the vicious x-factor tree of elite-ethics-evasion, can hear everything, and see everything, that we say, and that we do - he is everywhere, and by virtue of the progressively encroaching micro-technology which he plans to have implanted up every last one of our assholes in some mad mass celebration of holey communication, the great invader will doubtless also soon be in all of us... it now just remains to watch, wait, and wonder, in awestruck absolution, as our great american overlord augustly allows his only conscious son, sergeant bradley manning, a british auxiliary grounded in basic human principles, to be coolly crucified...

...of course, it could have been obama up there before the grand military judge at the fort meade show-trial in maryland, but it appears he bit off more from the big juicy apple of temptation than he cared to spit out again.

Wednesday, 17 July 2013

how zimmerman got off

last year, in criticism of civil rights' abuses such as those to which barack obama is a nonchalantly unforced signatory, i posted, on another blog, a comment which fell just shy of describing trayvon martin's murder as an act of casual racism - but now the trial is finished and the available facts disclosed, i would like to state unequivocally that allegations of racism against george zimmerman are substantially irrelevant and must not cloud the way in which we view the actions of this acquitted, yet far from equitable, neighbourhood watchman.

throughout the whole trial, not one racist piece of papier-mâché putty has stuck to wannabe-policeman zimmerman, and none probably ever will, because the man was simply a dangerous busy-bully, with violent form, who psychopathically profiled all those of whom he did not like the look - namely, a group of unspecified individuals contained within a huge and multi-cultural subset in the seething seas of his subconscious; there was no clear intellectual rationale governing zimmerman's thought-processes as he stalked down and shot an unarmed teenager who boasted nothing more to his name than a couple of schoolboy misdemeanours - the hunter just needed a 'kill' to assuage the pangs pulsing from the achingly empty emotional pit deep within his soul.  the murder wasn't pre-meditated, nor in the end perhaps, particularly casual, but at the clinch, retaliation, whether physical or purely emotional, just could not be tolerated by the person whom the authorities had chosen (and deemed fit) to do the dirty work of the law.

all agents of the state have an unwritten licence to kill innocent members of the public, and this recent judgment in the criminal courts of florida savagely reinforces that politically and morally arrogant presumption.

why should we be surprised that members of the local police department made every effort to avoid arresting the killer, their own informer?

why should we be surprised that the state prosecution team spiked their own case by pursuing the impossible-to-prove claim of racial-profiling which was guaranteed to slam the majority white jury into a prejudicially defensive mode?

why should we be surprised that the state prosecution team patently failed in their duty to present the events leading up to the murder in a diligently researched manner such that the jury would be left with no room for ambiguous interpretation?

why should we be surprised that, to make its case, the state prosecution team relied heavily on a legally shaky, although feisty, young african-american witness whom it surely knew the defence lawyers would eventually reveal to have lied under oath, and whom under any circumstances the racially-biased jurors would inevitably have determined to be unreliable?

yes, the individuals leading the police investigation and directing the florida state attorney's legal process clearly were racially-prejudiced and guilty of finessing an unsuccessful prosecution.

yes, the zimmerman case does bear remarkable similarities to the unforgivably flawed judicial and police action mounted against stephen lawrence's killers.

my personal conclusion: let zimmerman go free within the confines of his own conscience, and force all state officials connected with this sophisticated and widespread whitewash to stand trial for the wilful abuse of the civil rights of a deceased crime victim and his family.

will barack obama support such a course of lawful remedy?  unlikely, the president allows his armed servants to kill and maim innocent men, women and children across the globe with absolute state-sanctioned impunity - why should mr obama wish to undermine the so-called 'authority' of his own military?

in truth, the president of political persecution's son would not look like drayvon martin, but like the common murderer who walked into liberty from the dock of the court.

Saturday, 6 July 2013

gove bans 'gay': spark up! playground poll special

in the wake of uk education secretary mr marigold glove's decision to ban the use of the word 'gay' in school-yards (where it can apparently have many mildly ironic meanings ranging from 'not full-on' to 'flaky', 'flouncy', 'naff', 'half-arsed', 'not-normal', 'effected', 'a flop' or whatever), spark up! has sampled a snapshot of british school-kids' opinions on this polarizing issue...

...when questioned as to what they thought of glove's latest diktat, students living in multi-cultural inner-london areas said they thought the policy was:

"a bit gay really"

...when the group was then asked how they viewed politicians in general, the same socially-conscious babes of political correctness reckoned that conservative government ministers were:

"all fucking gay, init?"

...when invited to spell the word 'gay', the pupils' unanimous answer was:

"don't fucking know, don't fucking care"

...although one clever-dick did have an alternative four-lettered spelling which seemed to prove quite popular judging by the covertly compulsive chuckling of his co-scholars...

encouraged by the success of his delexiconizing mission to wash-out children's gobs with establishmentally-friendly soap, mr glove is now planning to proscribe the word 'sick' in its sense as 'ace', the word 'bad' where it is used to mean 'wicked', and the word 'black' is to be expunged from the english dictionary altogether due to historically derogatory and corrupted connotations cultivated by snobby racist cunts like the secretary of state himself....

.... and finally, squirting the dainty pink icing-deco on the wedding-cake of his party's progressive education initiative, mr marigold glove has declared his preference for a commitment to cultural inclusivity and is providing political proof of this by pushing for the immediate release of funds directed towards the promotion and inception of spanking new 'gay academies'.

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

sergeant bradley manning: i don't know what made you do it, but may god go with you

they say that communication is the greatest thing - well it sure contributes to good global relations and helps us understand when we have done wrong... whilst in washington, the white house administration strives to shine-up a star-spangled sheen on the shooting-shower of shit it has demonically dumped on humanity, the rest of the world looks on, dismayed at the dead devastating decades of destruction, waiting for the united states army, without even drawing its wild wanton weapon from the holster of hypocrisy, to psychopathically shoot itself straight in the one firm foot which seeks to keep the all-apathetic american public grounded in the respectful realm of religious reality.

god bless bradley manning's supporters

Monday, 3 June 2013

home secretary cracks down on use of nouns, pronouns, adjectives, and adverbs

theresa dismay has today set out her plans to introduce new communications legislation aimed at banning all words - in a bbc no-insight interview with jeremy vexedman, she explained that these subversive verbal items have been discovered to assist in the instigation, preparation and commission of acts of terrorism, and have also been used to say nasty mean horrible things about her and her mates in government.  the cabinet minister stated that she was going to deal with all parts of speech equally, but that to be strictly honest it was articles which were causing the most serious problems - she intends to proscribe all words in all dictionaries in all languages and a few more besides, and says if anyone thinks up any new ones, they're gonna be in bloody deep dog-shit.

jeremy vexedman said he couldn't quite see the object of the new laws, but otherwise seemed lost for questions...

...and we here at spark up! have nothing to say on the subject either.

Wednesday, 29 May 2013

redressing the record: religion, retribution and responsibility

despite periodic and concerted efforts to deviously detain us, disturb us, and distract us from our duties, we on this blog are somewhat erratically engaged in an absurdly sisyphean attempt to make sense of the senseless.

for my own part, i do not support any religion, but instead believe that a process of individual reasoning, resulting in conclusions derived from personal experience, is the sole grinding route to enlightenment. nonetheless, i respect everyone else's freedom to follow their various faiths, as long as they in turn do not prevent others from finding their own paths in life; the more shrines, temples, churches, synagogues and mosques the merrier, say i.

however, the misuse or wilful misinterpretation of religious teaching, in order to vent one's violent frustrations or justify murder, is clearly wrong, even when the target may previously have committed the self-same sin himself, and this is why i do not condone the statutory re-introduction of the death-penalty in this country - not-to-mention that such a move would simply be hijacked then subverted by malicious ideologists perniciously predisposed to the savage discrimination currently endured by citizens of our communities who are accustomed to historic vicious and habitual victimization from this so-called tolerant society.

on this account, i am bound to maintain that, no matter the seemingly maniacal manner of last week's murder in woolwich, the two assailants were fully conscious of their pre-meditated actions and must, if they have not in effect already done so, assume complete responsibility for them - thus setting a better example to the younger generation than members of our political hierarchy, security services, armed forces, and police services, who are equally guilty of such crimes, yet do not admit culpability.

finally, although i am no particular devotee of this philosopher, i would like to thank monsieur jean-paul sartre for his indirect assistance, via his stage-play les mains sales, in disentangling the amoral mess which has been manufactured, albeit mostly in my own mind, as a consequence of the macabre incident presently under the microscope of public criticism - and hence never hereafter let it be said that i have not given due and proper credit to personages of froggy heritage.

Thursday, 23 May 2013

why ministers need to get out

despite yesterday's so-called 'terrorist' attack on a member of the british armed services in south-east london, and home secretary theresa may's self-assured security assessment that this incident "was an attack on everyone in the united kingdom", passengers on the london underground last night refused to buckle to government fear-mongering propaganda and proceeded to travel home in a cheerful and bubbly mood.

the ultimate reason for this indictable discrepancy between official and public perception of wednesday's bloody political assassination (of government apathy towards the state-sanctioned-slaughter and suppression of common people worldwide) is the profound inability of our political classes to discern the truth of any given matter, even when that truth is as plain as the snide stuck-up nose on a cabinet minister's fraggled old face.

due to the chillingly cool and communicative post-mortem analysis by one of the ordinary islamist street-guys who carried-off this piece of performance butchery, even the close witnesses to yesterday afternoon's horrific slaying clearly comprehended that this sick-spiritual-forces assault was really a scene in a theatre-of-war which did not actually or directly affect them as general citizens - because it was simultaneously a symbolic, psychological, and physical mash-up of the ruling establishment itself.

this biblical road-rage revenge did not shock london - we suffer the rhythmic self-annihilation of our ideologically mismodelled youth, week-in, weak-out; our great leaders' unspoken mantra of dog-eat-dog liberally cut with the rawhide rote of ram-raid ideology has provided the cruel cokehead cornerstone of our evil-by-example education system for at least a thousand years.

this extraordinary event was not (as implicitly reported by certain cynical media) a racially-motivated crime perpetrated by two black men against one white man - if indeed there was any insidious incitement, then this tragedy's flames were ostensibly fanned by religious fanaticism, the same form of freaky fundamentalism which drove st tony "the baptist" blair and st george "burning" bush to wreak a heinous holy holocaust upon hundreds of thousands in iraq, afghanistan and pakistan, where the casualties continue to include many civilian families.

this carriageway carnage was not an act of 'terrorism' in our prime-minister's perverted self-serving hijacked sense of the word, since it was an act of war by self-confessed comrades-in-arms against a contracted combatant figure of authority and completely indistinguishable from the actions of our own government's forces in afghanistan, for example - yet in its intention and effect, the slaying was in fact fundamentally designed to terrorize, manipulate and politicize the individual british citizen in the same tyrannical manner as our own troops have terrorized and blackmailed citizens in the middle-east over many hundreds of years on a monstrously industrial scale which can only be described as supremacist.

if these judicial jihadists' actions must be characterized as a crime, then surely it can only be considered a crime passionelle?  they just lost it, together with the whole humanitarian plot - and if their hatred was cultivated, it was most probably home-grown under the hothouse of british police barbarity; after all, when mark duggan was extra-judicially executed by the metropolitan police's flying squad, was that sensationally slick operation decreed a crime or the uniformed protagonists portrayed as terrorists?

when innocent civilians (often children) are 'collaterally' damaged and destroyed by death-drones or royal-approved apache attack-helicopters in war-torn-zones of afghanistan and pakistan, how many pilots are painted as terrorists and how many paraded as heroes?  unknown foreign bodies, it seems, are not in principle worthy of a paltry crumb of publicity at the highly-biased-table of the british broadcasting cartel.

if the ethereal ethical guardians, both christian and muslim, who pose as this country's theological élite, had ever bothered to rush to condemn the ever-stretching string of immoral western-inspired wars of aggression, in afghanistan, somalia, mali, ivory coast, syria, libya, iraq, yemen, and pakistan, and congo as lightening-quick as they have hot-hoofed-it into the capital's television studios to distance themselves from, and impiously vilify, these two democratically disturbed desperados, would perhaps our children have been forced today to watch this recurring digital nightmare on john wilson street?

does the british electorate understand that our governments, be they nominally left-wing, centre, or right, care not a jot for our livelihood, well-being and security, as they send off our soldiers like lambs to the sacred abattoir of power-without-responsibility for the impure purpose of vainly primping and propping up their megalomaniacal egos and decadently feathering the state-subsidized status of their own nasty narcissistic nests - only to import mayhem and murder at an exorbitant price to our own stressed-out streets.

(my, i bet our brave boys were chuffed-to-fuck about the security services' 20 minute response-time to yesterday's brazen bit of live-broadcast open-heart brutality - although how it happened on the doorstep of the poor cunt's barracks without anyone on-duty lifting a frigging trigger-finger or even noticing al qaeda outside playing ring-a-ring-a-roses round the truncated trophy corpse of their dead chum, god-in-heaven only knows, but obviously the other buggers in the battalion all now know exactly on which side the big fat bastards in westminster have buttered their mean army-regulation rations of sliced-bread for them.)

does david cameron not realize that these islamic resistance-fighters will "never buckle" in the face of anglo-american invasion, neo-colonialism, oppression and exploitation, any more than this island's population would ever have surrendered to the yoke of hitler's foreign fascism during the second world war?

ironically, it's our own extremist establishment which has been crushing the sweet juice of civilized culture from the hard-pressed communities of britain - however, 'removing' the crusty controlling classes will not be necessary, for our hopelessly hamstrung hierarchy is now steadily disintegrating under the dead-loss weight of its own conceited corruption.

in the wake of such stunning and sharply surreal news, i suppose this following remark must rank as a pretty inconsequential afterthought...but for many of us, the day when barack obama's misguided mercenary was ritually sacrificed on the altar of democratic hypocrisy in woolwich, south-east london, was the day when the american president's skin-colour patently became an incidental irrelevance.

i dedicate this response to mr david william donald cameron - in war there are no rules, and less reason.

Monday, 20 May 2013

curtailed words

one of our most admired commentators, ms katie kwik-fit, has just been blocked from contributing to the on-going discussion of existentialist values over on the slog.

john ward, who preaches liberty, but practises carte-blanche censorship of expression on his charade of a discussion thread, wrote the following in reply to a zeusgoose comment on this at the end of the day blog-post:

spot on. most animals live in now 95% of the time, and less ‘sophisticated’ they are, it goes nearer to 100%. there is no ‘time’: man’s frontal lobes invented it to explain multivaritiate data coming at us that would fry your head unless you simplify it.
now, about who’s going to win the cup next year…..

our girl, katie kwik-fit, who clearly operates on a higher plane of consciousness than ward, was cynically sandbagged as she submitted the following tips:

yes, john, quite...just two little points arising from all that...

...i often think that my dogs are more in touch with real life than i am myself, and slightly more intellectual too... see, my job is basically all about showing good examples to the common underclass - which seems terminally addicted to the twin activititties of taking in trash-tv and milking other people's hard-earned money from the government benefits system - and in the small gaps between work, when i get off, i like to relax my overtaxed brain by reading a bit of rainer maria rilke - he's an amazing animal-loving poet who's well into country stuff and all things natural...
...out of the set of duino elegies, i personally recommend the eighth elegy, which connects nicely with your own point, as it so happens... preferred translation is by a guy called cf macintyre - his book has double scripts, one on the left and one on the right, so you can appreciate the form of the original german version and the reworked english one, all at the same time...
...yeah, i'm really into rilke coz he didn't get subsidies from the state and liked to live in castles and shit like that.

typically disgraceful slog-hypocrisy - consistent with ukip-wally-philosophy.

Saturday, 18 May 2013

too many kookie flag-wagglers spoil the british broth

owing to the twin trials of a close shave with frisky frisian separatists and an unscheduled mental abstraction by over-zealous froggie fans who left me digitally stranded with a gadget possessing the technological sophistication of a high-falutin fucking flapjack, blogging has not been possible in recent weeks...

...but now things have been succinctly sorted, spark up! can exclusively break the shocking news that, in the face of a very britannic civil war over exactly where english fruitcake ends and scottish dundee-cake begins, our evergreen prime-minister, dave "cucumber-patch" cameron, has abruptly back-tracked on parliamentary proposals to construct the highly-subsidized-choo-choo to economic ruin and instead diverted the £333 billion pre-allocated treasury funds into integral structural improvement and modernization of adrian's roll, the ancient british pastry-dyke running between tyneside and the solway firth, which has historically acted as a traditional boundary of ethnic demarcation and civil disunion.

it is further reported that celebrity exponent of true-blue-cuisine, cordon ramsarse, has been duly consulted and is currantly engaged in the process of testing the consistency and composition of the underlying cultural crust in order to establish the exact location of the disputed political fault-line - indeed, there is also confirmation that ramsarse has agreed to judge a great british fuck-off competition to design the decorative piping on the project.

in response to questions raised in the house of commons today, chef de partie cameron has been quoted as indicating his preference for a 'jimmy-jock' collaborative approach to resolving any aesthetic and artistic differences that may be encountered during the anglo-tartan co-production of this structure of vital national importance, and remains adamant that "good fences make good partnerships"; however, president "humbug" hollande of france has voiced concerns over the culinary specifications of cameron's turnover and stated his intention to supersede this « patisserie pathétique » with a giant all-encompassing european crâp - par-ce qu'il est un putain de cocksuckeur américain.

Tuesday, 30 April 2013

cap'n dunc's duelling dictums

on the eve of the official launch of iain sunken smith's welfare flagship, hms universal cockup, one can but sympathize with the precarious position of our poorly-served night-watchman prime minister, his reputation already riddled with friendly-fire, nails bitten ragged to the quick, as he prays, to any god prepared to offer him the fleeting courtesy of half-an-ear, for a smooth snagless slipway to guide the british-built public vessel, which holds together all his party's electoral hopes and dreams, into the merciless ocean of common reality - although no doubt a good portion of his pious petition will be devoted to despairing pleas that his mizer for work and pensions may not choose this particular mayday to perform that oh so emotionally-honest impression of a loose-cannon for which his cabinet colleague has garnered such national renown...

...just a tip mr smith, but i really reckon that the damp decadence of smashing a jeroboam of top-tipple champers across the bow of this byzantine benefit boat of babylon may not go down too well in the country at large - and personally, i recommend a vintage can of super-strength skol lager, the viking's choice.

clearly, mr smith's religious commitment to the social safety-net is completely unparalleled in contemporary political history, and he has unquestionably been almost irrepressible in his tireless desire both to make the system more transparent (by cleverly cutting down on the raw material required for its manufacture) and to design bigger safer holes (in order to cater for the unfortunate eventuality of innocent british citizens becoming irretrievably trapped beneath it). nevertheless, there does seem to be a duality, and maybe even a dichotomy, in the minister's philosophical approach to reform, which, being a right-of-centre blog, we here at spark up! are duty-bound to give some form of cursory examination, whilst stopping short of out-and-out moral judgment, of course - for although his 'cap' on benefits is laudably universal, the decision to deduct surplus monies solely from claimants' weekly living-allowances does indeed foster the almost certainly illusory appearance that the cap'n is deliberately discriminating against our communities' shopkeepers in favour of our landlords; a small point perhaps, yet mr smith might consider, in these critical commercial circumstances, that his passionate love for our welfare system might well be more fully expressed in an altogether unbridled and uncapped state...?

...and then there is the albeit minor question as to whether the well-off should repay unrequired sums of benefit back to the government, so that funds may be rightly redistributed to those in actual need - followed naturally by that other, complementary question, which must surely pop-up like a big bobbling belly-dancer and groovily gyrate around in the dissonant dialectic of the cap'n's intellectually rigorous mind: should those who decline the state's assistance be obliged to pay any taxes whatsoever...? at the very least, some might like their contributions back, or so one could well surmise...?

now, to be fair to the minister for flogging a dead horse, some of our more intuitive westminster commentators are currently suggesting that the chaos caused by this meddling and tinkering with the benefit payments-system is not down to duncan at all, but is in truth of fact the purely paranormal result of psychopathological poltergeist activity by maggie, a miscreant former inhabitant of those offices...

...however (and i propose this alternative view as an untested theory and by no means as established fact), there is another quite plausible explanation for these potty political phenomena which are now being witnessed by the witless in whitehall and confirmed as regular daily occurences - but in order to understand this most convoluted of hypotheses, one must delve dangerously deep into the very psyche of the man, duncan smith, himself... see, i intend to publish a paper on the subject, and it pans out something like this:

cap'n smith possesses two great yet eternally conflicting loves in his life, or maybe they perhaps possess him, on that point i'm not precisely sure - his first love, chronologically-speaking, is none other than the limbotic spirit of the battering baroness herself, margaret thatcher...with his second love being the volcanically voluptuous venus which we each know as the british welfare, when his obsession for the welfare state forces itself to the fore, why, he wouldn't even harm a fly...but when his ardour for his mental matriarchal mentor is triggered to rise into the ascendancy, and becomes dominant in the flimsy frontal lobes flopping off from his cerebral cortex, his placid personality suddenly undergoes a terrific psychological transformation and gross gender transmutation such as you would never ever wish to behold ever...and then, dear readers, 'she' is prone to a wailing, a flailing, a fearful gnashing of teeth, and a paranoic although perfectly logical predisposition to stabbing-up her perceived metaphysical rival in love, the welfare state...these aforementioned events constituting a serious psychotic episode which usually culminates with 'her' slashing wildly in the shower.  so whacky.

what a woman.

(due to an unforeseen virus rampaging through the editorial department, tonight's special column was composed, off-the-cuff, by esteemed spark up! ghost-writer, professor pinkwinkel brainstove the third)

snooker-ass steve sleights indian subcontinent

in the course of presenting a potted history of snooker for the british broadcasting corporation, six-times world-champ sir steve gravis has besmirched the strict etiquette of professional player-conduct by committing a blatant foul-stroke but failing to call it to general attention; essex-bred steve allegedly brought the popular billiard-spin-off sport into disrepute by deviously white-washing from his commentary the historic asian contribution to the invention of the modern game - instead attributing full ballistic honours to the british army.

despite provoking a widespread clatter of serious public unrest which has rebounded across every corner of the eastern hemisphere, the pouting sir steve has stubbornly remained po-faced amid mounting international pressure for him to give television audiences satisfaction by sitting on his cue.

to analyze the complex socio-political angles created by a venerated british sporting-ambassador conveniently swerving around the accepted historical truth, spark up! has consulted no-less an expert than steve gravis' pool-hustling peer, sir trev "trickshot" trillips, who when interviewed today found himself in a favourable position to string together a few short yet astute observations in order to give us the direct benefit of his vast knowledge and experience in such matters:

i must regrettably report that, primarily as a consequence of a well-misspent youth, my former club-mate sir steve gravis has foolishly flouted educated advice and insisted upon expounding a theory on the origins of snooker which has insulted indian culture in the most indiscriminate and ignorant manner. 
according to the encyclopeedia britannicka (my ultimate reference-point in life), the game of snooker was devized in 1874 at jabalpur british army barracks, india, by a certain sir neville chamberpot and fellow officers, who, whilst under the high himalayan influence of nepalese charas, confused the rules of billiards with the ancient local pastime of karrom. further research into this incipient indic board-game reveals that it was in fact nicked from the greeks who in turn nicked it off the egyptians - this latter discovery being a frisson-inducing finding which opens the anthropological doors on theories that snooker possibly first emerged in the african rift valley, where pre-historic homo sapiens tribesmen happened to spectate upon a strikingly similar game (played by a since extinct early hominid, or ape-man, species using spears and their enemies' testicles) which they were subsequently inspired to develop and hone, through the tireless striving of thousands of years of craftmanship and ingenuity, into a portable package sufficiently civilized to flog-off to the pharaohs.
indeed, the deep african influence is still evident in the modern game of snooker which we all know and cherish today, and thus i believe it to be absolutely non-coincidental that the black-ball bears the highest value, whilst the white-ball assumes no intrinsic numerical value whatsoever, being but an expedient device with which to take pot-shots at the many and various coloured balls - almost as if the table were in some strange way analogous to this our crowded earthly world and the players the sublimely intelligent gods who created it...

in conclusion, might i remark upon the less obvious african connections of those illuminati who have in recent times graced the green baize of this great game and done so much to frame its irresistible appeal - first, ronnie "the conscious" o'suliman, who has always bravely acknowledged his 'dark side', and finally, sir steve "gingernacks" gravis himself, whose proud nubian ethnicity is disturbingly disguised by a cruelly disfiguring screwback gene issuing from a progressive welsh missionary.

i rest my case.

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

how the braindead enable evil to establish an 'event'

having received certain missives indicating that certain persons in certain sections of our community might just possibly have been untowardly upset by a recent spark up! exposition, i can, in my defence and all sincerity, only state that, in my heart-of-hearts, i consider this effect of my causing to have been entirely and unequivocally unintentional.

here at spark up! we strive to rise above the petty puerile squabblings of the left-right-and-centre of the arstablishment in order to highlight prevailing socio-political issues worthy of a damn good rogering, and in this respect, i am reluctant to engage in the over-reactively emotional lamentation or celebratory commemoration of the croaking of an ancient briton whose active influence on our current-day lives has long since passed, there being of course much more clear and present monisters on which to keep a carefully-focused cats-eye - big bad-assed benefit-exploiting monisters indeed, who will be revelling in the god-organized opportunity, afforded by the deliberate distraction of ten days' national-mourning and idiot-driven mockery, to dip right out of public-view and brew-up yet more miserable poisoned broth for the manipulated masses, whose lawful vilification constitutes a cordon bleu meal-ticket for the cunts who facilitate its slimy legislative path through parliament.

this said however, the dear departed's largely tax-payer-funded funeral arrangements (weighing-in at roughly £6 million) at least merit a cursory inspection - draining, as they do, the communal cash-pool, curtailing, as they do, city-based courier earnings, and buggering-up, as they always do, both traffic-circulation and the general london-economy for a whole bloody week.

naturally, none of this elaborate extravagance is in any way of the untimely deceased's own an ideal world, the down-to-earth former prime-meddler's mortally stripped-assets would have enjoyed:

  • the simple common delights of lying-on-a-crate in a democratically selected east-end corner-shop

  • a cortège of white vans tastefully sprayed black in deference to the solemn occasion - all driven courteously by specially chosen basildon men each with his foot to floorboards to maximize profits

  • a scenic al fresco hearse-ride to the funeral-venue on a hastily converted milk-float chauffeured by norman deathbite

  • a brief chapel-service consisting of a few quick apt words of wisdom taken from st francis of assisi - concisely summing-up the general sentiments of the gathered proletariat

  • a no-frills no-fuss heave-ho into the furnace - closely followed, in strict accordance with royal aryan tradition, by the voluntary 'sati-style' self-sacrifice of every living conservative cabinet minister, past and present

nevertheless, in the event that the demented empress had chosen interment as her favoured option of transferral into the afterlife, i'm sure that, being an unpretentious woman, she would have gone for:

  • only a modest-sized pyramid

  • an unostentatious but practical black-leather-bound sarcophagus with shoulder-length straps, an attractive brass-buckle, and a handy compartment for storing tissues scrawled-over with quotes

  • just the one burial-chamber - although sufficiently spacious enough to accommodate all her ex-colleagues, a fridge for her milk, a year's supply of whisky, and a few gross of brussels

Monday, 8 April 2013

moribund maggie merks miliband

in a final impeccably-timed stroke of dedicated disruptive political defiance, baroness splatcha has, for the greater good of the conservative party, selflessly snuffed it in order to block out news headlines of iain dunderhead smith's impending parliamentary demise as he slowly succumbs to public-pressure under an a4 avalanche of incendiary anti-government petitions and slow-burning leftwing lawsuits.

we salute the strategic stealth of the ironing lady's stubborn churchillian spirit, but are still seeking to locate any serious solid evidence of a viable social conscience.

too tight to rent

according to an anonymous call received very late yesterday evening, this blog can exclusively reveal that there's currently a few serious sparks flying in the duncan smith household...

the unknown source, who was described by staff as being 'fairly emotional', was disposed (and indeed desperate) to give our news-room editor the following insightful telephone interview:

ok ya one's had it up to here with the lord of the dunce ya...this morning one was untimely wrenched from an absolutely appallingly surreal yet somehow totally indecipherable nightmare (about being so poor one was compelled to use a 25000 page petition on which to wipe one's bum) only to be treated to a personal recital of the latest chapter in his epic saga of love on the sponge, as sensationally serialized in the daily wellygraph every sodding sunday.

no, he did not live with one illegally in a bedsit in the early eighties, the randy rat used to sneak round from dossing in his bosom buddy's room at the pratt's club for a quick consolation shag whilst getting over his depression at playing an
 integral rôle in losing two bollocking great big bits of the bloody british empire in succession - because you see for some strange reason which ultimately eluded one ya, he found the (all-too-erratic) erotic experience 'afforded him deep psychological comfort'...ahh...

...and then before breakfast ya one used to boot his useless arse straight back out onto the street and tell him not to disturb one's janet reger's again until he'd found himself a real job with real money - obviously ya, one thought he never would get any proper employment and that one would never see the pathetic penny-pinching prick again, but hey the best laid plans of mice and sado-mastic women and all that...and then blow one's farmyard fanny if he didn't land some poxy dead-end position (through some dodgy ex-army mate) and return to haunt me...

...well after all one had said, one obviously had to give the stupid tosser another chance ya, and seeing as one didn't actually possess a television set at the time ya, it seemed like a good idea ya...and so anyway ya, eventually he wormed his way right up into one's trendily down-at-heel chelsea studio-room and then one's haute-couture silky french knickers, permanently ya - basically after the daft old bag who ran the place took pity on the spare-brained pillock when he nearly electrocuted himself changing a light-bulb or plug or something...

...and ya to cut a long and altogether harrowing story blasted disaster then led to another and one supposes one could probably well say that in a certain manner of speaking the feckless failure-prone ponce has still got his fingers in his landlady's socket even unto this very most dark and despondency-inducing of days...if one gets the general drift of one's meaning ya...

one just wonders who that lady was?

Sunday, 7 April 2013

a precipitate of petitions

yep, you heard it on spark up! first:

the petition, challenging iain duncan smith to survive for an entire year eating only his own words, has given birth (out of wedlock) to a bouncing little baby petition - eminent biologists examining the phenomenally rapid rate of reproduction are speculating that some strange form of asexual budding is probably responsible for the recent emergence of the spewing spluttering sprog.

if you care to sign this new letter petitioning the prime minister of the united kingdom to either sack iain duncan smith or demand his resignation, please hurry - as space on the page is limited and demand high.

Friday, 5 April 2013

write to rant

tonight's guest in our freedom-to-look-a-berk slot is the politician with the pursed lips, mr george odballs - i believe he has a few emotional words to say about a mindless outrage which has recently hit the news headlines:

yes, duncan smith is responsible for these absolutely horrendous crimes and these are crimes that have shocked the nation; the courts are responsible for sentencing him.

but i think there is a question for government and for society about the welfare state...and the sort of people who deliberately burn it down killing all those innocent young children who seek shelter within it - taxpayers are subsidizing the outrageously licentious lifestyles of career criminals like duncan smith, and i think that debate needs to be had.

ok, thank you - that's it really. 
why's my bloody car been clamped?

the skeletons in obama's legacy

south-londoner shaker aamer has been held in guantanamo bay detention facility for 11 years without being charged or tried.  in common with about three-quarters of the inmates in the black hole of congress, mr aamer is now on hunger strike - he has lost 30lbs in weight.

the director of the legal charity reprieve, clive stafford smith, has urged the uk government to do more to help shaker aamer:

shaker has a wife and four british kids – one of whom he’s never met – in london. the uk just accepts routine assurances from the us that all is well, when all is rotten in guantanamo bay. Does the uk really take the position that there is nothing more that can be done if a close ally is committing the on-going torture of shaker aamer?

sure seems like barack obama is aiming to be the american president who over eight long years in office never found a window in his very busy schedule of very important meetings about very important matters to close down the concentration camp established by his predecessor george w bush to imprison any muslim who the cia have an inkling might be a bit miffed about the united states military invading his brothers' country and bombing the bejesus out of their families.

the full story is reported in an interview on london itv news with reprieve legal director, cori crider.  corrr

oliver stone and peter kuznick are also getting geared-up for a spot of non-prejudicial multi-racial president-bashing in their new book and tv documentary series, the untold history of the united states - and according to an interview the two writers gave on channel 4 news, the series apparently attempts, using words-of-one-syllable and not-so-pretty pictures, to convince the american public of the futility and gratuity of historic hit-parade us invasions such as those which devasted the civilian populations in iraq and afghanistan.  good luck mate...

the dissident directorial duo proclaim to be mighty peed-off with president obama's aggressive and imperial foreign policy, yet at least one of the two nevertheless appears to have still been hoodwinked into voting the flunky old git back in...when will they ever learn?  my personal view about politicians and elections - don't vote, it only encourages the cunts.

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

if you're hacked-off and you know it...

...and if you hate iain duncan smith's guts as much as he hates yours, please consider signing this petition on challenging the millionaire secretary of state for working in poverty to put his claim to be able to live off £53-a-week where the sun don't shine his mouth is...

(note: there's the added bonus of being invited to call him a cunt in the why is this important to you? section)

Monday, 1 April 2013

clipped words

the following critical comment, made by bruce and the steaming pile of minotaur shit, in reply to the slog post friedmanite capitalism has aimed low and missed. we need a new higher aim was summarily and shamefully edited out and nicked:

The Crusades and the Spanish Inquisition were, shall we say, cases of serious copybook-blotting, but pretty much once Charles I of England and Louis XVI of France had been separated from their silly heads, Christian values in Europe – and later middle America – used the social principles of State-separated Christianity to produce communities, welfare and humane treatment on a scale never seen before.

leaving aside the fact that i entered this sentence and nearly never found my effing way out again (i was luckily saved by a ball of mental commas in my pocket)...and (given it's easter) gliding glibly over the astonishing new sociological evidence that in the nineteenth century 'christian values' and 'social principles' were busily working together in pefect mystical harmony to transform the face of europe without any human intervention whatsoever...i would respectfully request to enquire of ward whether he refers to a scale of size or rather one of quality...for if he can but bring himself to acknowledge that slavery was not abolished until 1833, and that even then the 'freed' slaves were by law compelled to work as 'apprentices' until as late as 1840, he might admit that any 'welfare and humane treatment' by governments in europe was at best cynical and more often the complete sham which it remains today...

...and as for:

Indeed, it has long been my theory that the Roman Empire crumbled in the end because early Christians in Rome offered a way of life so diametrically opposed to the cruel Imperial ethic, it was by definition bound to be seditious….and melt the iron hammer with which the Romans knocked their conquered peoples into shape.

well, it's probably worth noting that the emperor of rome, constantine, himself converted to christianity in 312 and yet oddly enough the western roman empire did not go up in smoke until 476, when it decamped to the middle east, put on an even more bizarre outfit and survived another funky 1000 years as the byzantine empire - so i humbly propose therefore that ward's decline-and-fall theory requires a little hammering-into-shape itself.

From around 1830 in Western Europe, and America after the Civil War and before McCarthyism, Christian values produced a level of caring social interaction and theory miles beyond that of any other continent. That this didn’t happen in Africa, India, and South America is, for me, a condemnation of the Church as an agent in league with a repressive State – be that Argentina or the British Empire. Conquistador priests and and early missionaries have a lot to answer for. But not only did the British Empire turn out to be far more constructive and benign than any predecessor, the Brits gave it away at the end of the Second World War because (the Labour Government at least) believed in self-determination.

gobsmacking stuff really - to think that ward really believes cultures in other continents could not look after their own without the 'benign' influence of a british empire which, incidentally, the establishment gave away (mainly in the 1960s) to its distinctly nefarious mates, who are effectively still ruling and exploiting ex-colonial lands and peoples by proxy for the british elite until this very day; how much land in south africa, kenya, and zimbabwe was 'given away' considering that much of it has remained under european ownership to the present? how many people in kenya or south africa (to name but a couple of former colonies) have been violently slaughtered and suppressed since the advent of independence? and did the lovely labour government dissolve the british empire because it 'believed in self-determination'? did it ffff - the empire dissolved because its subjects wanted out.

That Labour administration was largely based on Christian-inspired Fabian and Community Trade Union Socialism at the time. I’m not a member of any of those clubs, but the 1945-51 administration still stands out for me as easily the most productive of an otherwise ethically dim British century. Without the inspiration of Jesus of Nazareth, I doubt if it would ever have happened.

pardon me for assuming that fabianism and trade-unionism were inspired by the atheist doctrine of communism, but you learn something every day dontcha?

the 1945-51 labour administration...

didn't they eat well?

bedroom-tax special by spark up! legal correspondent: miss jacquetta oven-baked

beware, iain can-can smith's claim that he could get-by on 53 quid-a-week is probably a seasonal april fool's stunt, but nevertheless it admirably demonstrates his complete and utter lack of sympathy for the poor old job-seeker's predicament. our esteemed minister is right, of course - if forced into that deeply undesirable situation, we could all probably just about scrape through on 53 quid-a-week, with a few spadesful of initiative and a little benefit-regulation-bending help from our friends, yet as i say, the miserly old muppet misses the point altogether, because one of the main hurdles facing the unemployed welfare claimants is the emotional and psychological abuse hurled at them by cruelly condescending and sadistic jobcentre staff, by self-righteous parasitic work-programme advisors, by patronizing free-loading private landlords (who grasp even more rent off their housing benefit tenants than their cash-paying ones), and by the secretary of hate for work and pittances himself.

obviously were the incredibly dodgy sociologist to be set-up in the artificial position of making-do on 53 quid-a-week by some reality suppressive tv-show, he would, being the original mr smug, always know in his heart-of-hearts that he was the millionaire minister of preaching-to-the-poverty-stricken and would chirpily cheap it out for a couple of weeks - possibly periodically popping over the garden-fence to the fully-loaded in-laws for rounds of cucumber sandwiches and bridge...

...however, surviving long-term on benefits for year-upon-miserable-year, whilst observing all the nitty petty life-restricting rules and supporting young children, is a different cup of tea altogether... what would be really nice, would be to find a means of levying a surcharge on the mad-cap minister so as to recover the millions of pounds of tax-payers' money which is currently being mindlessly squandered defending iain's elasticated ego in the british courts - because then he could be bust-to-rights, bankrupted and have his mock-tudor homestead seized by the council in order for it to be relet back to him for the tidy sum of say £5300-a-week rent...

...and naturally, the accidental indigent would have deductions made to his jobseeker's allowance for each and every unoccupied room which anti-socially graced his grandly state-subsidized mansion.