write to rant

tonight, spark up! is offering the write to rant to renowned, revered and racially retarded thespian, dame janita jaykloff:

right, it seems i've been maliciously misquoted and i'd like to clear-up this bloody awful mess without any further ado - so here is my final statement on the matter:

• i am not, i repeat not, attempting to whitewash black history

• wanky white bourgeois liberal theatre which totally fails to register fuck-all interest in the wider afro-caribbean community is not, apparently, a part of black culture

• never-fuckin-ending white guilt is not a part of black culture

• white racism is not a part of black culture (i don't think)

• racism is a white invention - so there

is everybody happy now? good, i'm orff to drown my sorrows in a bucket of pink champagne with bob belldoff at a hideously white notting-hill wine-bar.  now, piss-orff the lorrt of you.

thank you for your intellectually considered contribution, dame janita.

trouble at tower

a poppy-blood waterfall pouring from the punctured establishment's most feared symbol of repression - to replenish its moat...

...is this an advert for fascism, or an exposure of it?

that is the question...

...to see or not to see?

big-oil buys-off bad-egg

well, surprise, surprise...following in the smoking hell-bound footsteps of his brother dave bloodtax and his former boss, bonking-mad blair, the butcher of baghdad - and buckinghamshire - ed miliband is about to sell-out, not only the left-wing of the labour party, which trustingly raised him to his parliamentary perch, but also millions-upon-millions of sensible, mature, rational britons, who, unindoctrinated by rolling 24-hour bbc weapons-ads, explicitly oppose the united kingdom's participation in the never-ending american wars of economic exploitation, which continue to wreck ancient civilizations in the middle-east.

in seeking election to the top-rung of british politics, mr red edit - cia-fast-track-recruit extraordinaire - has clearly chosen to chase the islamo-paranoic-race-hate-n-wog-bombing-vote rather than re-galvanize the cross-board-respect, successfully garnered, last year, from socialists, liberals and conservatives alike, when, completely sans-autocue, he nervously stood-up to dave cannonrod and president obombaklaart himself, and like a cutely blinking little lighthouse in the deep obsidian of the cia-news-blackout, dutifully warned the captains of mercantile insanity from rupturing their unprotected undersides on the razor-sharp rocks of sanctimonious self-serving neo-cuntist colonialism.

power, greed and irrepressible israeli influences have predictably turned miliband's 'ed, with the result that, in the shifting desert sand between the cruelly conjoined shambles of syria and iraq, he has drawn a spurious legal line, every bit as divisive, immoral and expedient as the social scar originally gouged-out by the scimitar of slasher-sykes - and simultaneously stitched-up with picot's poison-tipped needle - during the colonial era of socially-sanctioned fascism which supposedly concluded over one hundred years ago.

so it appears, instead of looking to his good grassroots-friends for a helping hand in clambering out of the existential electoral hole, which - with a little help from an embarrassingly fluffed conference-speech - he has crassly carved for himself, ed is contrarily intent upon biting these same comrades' experienced green-fingers by, rather rashly, reaching for the dow-chemical-company-pesticide.

of course, improvizing funkily on the bright-side of death, ed can now precipitate the boombastic busting of london's artificially inflated housing-market-bubble - by enlisting the eager assistance of a battalion of short-fused suicide-bombers, who, along with the majority of law-abiding muslims in the british electorate, may well now be enticed to vote tactically.

then finally, having turned the capital into a vicious ideo-religious war-zone - which will conveniently bring his primrose hill mansion safely below the two-million-quid mansion-tax-threshold - ed millstone will happily find himself in a prime-position to fatally deter the influx of all those would-be-immigrants, formerly attracted to the lip-smacking prospect of a peaceful and prosperous britain...

...and he will thereby cap his silly socially conscious chaos with the arch-anarcho-political achievement of a famous double-whammy.

 

dairy-boy dave does downing street

committed as ever to keeping you fully abreast of all the latest developments in the westminster paddock, spark up! strives at all times, through the good orifices of our dedicated team of agricultural correspondents, to keep its fictional finger on the pulsing penis of british politics - a prominent member otherwise known as the prime minister...

...and today, via a live conservative cattle-feed, we bring you instant updates of the milky-bar stud's snapshot five-finger government shuffle, as he sets about milking britain dry:

• wild willy hague is put out to pasture pending release of nhs funds by jeremy blunt-scalpel for emergency gender-appropriate implant procedures - internal sources report that in influential establishment circles the former foreign secretary was deemed to be neither milkman nor milkmaid and, having failed adequately to demonstrate his status as a real man or real woman, ultimately fell between two toxic tory toadstools, namely michael fulloan and phillip harmonger

• esthetick mcvieh is invited to sit in cabinet to make-up employment numbers, make-over the corpse of the conservative party, and make-out she gives a flying flipsided-fuck about the plight of hard-working women in the uk who do not belong to her cosmeticized class of all the corruptions - in fact, interviewed as one of the budding new cia-vetted implants in the hairy old hierarchical herd, she provided the following revealing insights into farm-boss, dairy dave dachshund's 'milk-round' selection process:

  "oh ya, the induction was all rather short-and-sweet, really...dave likes to do it all the old-fashioned way...by hand, you know...it was basically a complex political aptitude test which consisted in him asking me, quite charmingly actually, whether i was a woman...a question which i'm pleased to declare i answered correctly, in the affirmative, of course...then he simply said, 'well get your tits out and you're in darling', and having duly confirmed my qualifications, that was just about that i think...except for the ceremonial appointment to cabinet...which he hastily completed by getting some sort of silly little pink organic cattle-prod out from beneath his desk, where i suppose he'd been hiding the thing away, cheeky boy...and then tapping me lightly on the tip of each tonsil with it, prior to serving me a celebratory vanilla milkshake, in the goblet...ohhh how super it all was, what a great victory for women's rights this has been, what a great day for the conservative party...i'm simply over the moon...and by-the-way, i have to mention this...the pm's so understanding about women's issues too...you see, by the end of the interview, i'd become so nervous i left a big sloppy-wet turd-cake all over the sofa...but d'you know what?  to his eternal credit, the guy didn't even blink...he just looked-over and re-instated it as health secretary...what a leader"

• michael "marigold" glove, having made a dog's dinner of national schooling, is to be fed to state pupils in the form of reconstituted porkmeat as part of a drive to teach under-informed british youngsters about the golden-days of 1950s education

• ken "hush-up" clarke-to-the-secret-torture-court, despite boasting an adequate boobsize to remain in post, is put straight out to grass for being a grouchy old sexist ox

• diane abloatt is widely believed to have shown an interest in a position, but after extensive measurement and re-measurement with 'outsize' calipers and imperial rulers, it was found her arse didn't fit

own goal of the century: lucky at wars, unlucky in sport

tonight, some startling new socio-scientific soccer analysis by professor pinkwinkel brainstove the third:

having once more witnessed the clockwork implosion of the england world-cup football campaign, i felt it my deep patriotic duty to examine in some detail the biological factors which lie behind our boys' brave defeat in the heat of brazil... 

...thus after an intensive spot of research into the genetic make-up of past-and present england squads - which necessitated the exhaustive dna-testing of all our star-players, including a graveyard-shift in order to effect the unauthorized, but wholly unavoidable, exhumation of a few decomposing legends from our glorious past - i have made the utterly astonishing albeit unpolitically correct discovery that our nation's greatest success apparently came in a world footballing competition held back in the grim greyscale year of 1966, when the england team was exclusively drawn from the diminishing pool of white-coloured people resident in the country, whilst conversely that, since the selection of black-coloured people for the england team, we have never again achieved an international result which in any way compares to the aforementioned monochrome triumph... 

...in fact, upon making that incontrovertible deduction, i was about to terminate my investigations altogether and submit my findings to the english footballing association, however, following a swift and sudden free-kick in the bollocks by none other than erstwhile england hero, rio firebrand, i decided to look into the matter further, and upon pain of receiving another penalty-kick in the privates, i proceeded to thoroughly assess and carefully calibrate the physical performance of all england-players over the past five decades... 

...and guess what? it transpired that they were all jolly good professional sportsmen performing at the top of their game, and that no particular squad, whether multi-culturally blessed or unblessed, was significantly or obviously deficient in the talent department... 

...so what elusive x-factor could currently be missing from the mix? could it perhaps be a non-specific contemporary socio-cultural influence, i asked myself with rio looming defensively in the background, his huge persuasive hand firmly gripping my shoulder and a regulation 2800 hertz ref's whistle protruding provocatively from between his lips...? 

...but then suddenly, as if bit on the bum by a lightning-fanged liverpool-chopperholic, i had the answer: 

yes, i reviewed the revealing televisual footage of our team singing "god save the queen" and found that barely anyone, except for the captain and the goalie bothered mouthing a single word of the awful anthem - because, i concluded, our lads must have absolutely no pride in this godforsaken country, bankrolled as it is by murderous military misadventurism, especially those from ethnically-minorized and other politically disenfranchized communities or classes, who probably feel they hold next-to-no emotional or socio-cultural stake in the nation, save the purely metaphorical and stereotypical one with which they might perhaps, in a purely metaphorical and stereotypical sense, wish to kebab her germanic-rooted majesty, the scottish-sounding prime minister, and other members of her vampiric government before serving the lot up for gazza's eclectic epicurean delectation... 

...and quite frankly, a platoonful of battle-hardened squaddies, fresh from the slaughter-fields of afghanistan, bound together by a team-spirit of barmy-eyed beer-swilling patriotism, would have given the game more nationalistic welly and had more chance of grinding-out a bone-breaking win - for, mad cunts as our mainly-white warriors undoubtedly are, they are the only group of guys left in england who still truly harbour that insane passion for the crown and whichever noble nobhead happens to be poncing around beneath it - although there again, of course, playing a team of trained racist killers might possibly not be sending out to the world the sort of diplomatic message which our political leaders might exactly wish... 

...therefore, ipso de facto a priori non sequitur in posteriori ad nauseam, in light of our desperate national need for an emotionally-and-socially-gelled england soccer-team with the sporting capability of taking-on then crushing foul-faking foreign footballers, may i, on mr firebrand's able advice, propose to david "the jackdaw" cameron the following common-sense overseas and domestic policy initiatives, which in future might allow our afro-caribbean and other ethnic-minority or socially-dumped-upon sportsmen to feel more part of 'the english team': 

• an immediate ban on the senseless bombing of brown people in their own sovereign states - since this manner of international diplomacy can tend to make black people most uneasy, well recognizing as they do that in afro-caribbean countries they will invariably then themselves receive the same treatment in spades

• a prohibition on offering any form of moral, physical or political support to any other national government which proposes or proceeds to bomb brown, black or poor people in their own sovereign states - such as permitting the use of uk-based airfields and uk intelligence in the execution of these aforementioned offensive actions

• the severest official condemnation of other national governments which propose or proceed to bomb brown, black or poor people in their own sovereign states and the refusal to permit such offensive countries the license to station military personnel and equipment on uk territory

• the automatic prosecution of government ministers, such as mr andrew mitchell, who illegally seek to assist in the armament of other nations with a view to precipitating war between foreign states for commercial and political gain

• the prohibition of illegal detention and torture and the severest official condemnation of other national governments which permit illegal detention and torture

• official recognition, by the uk government and authorities, of the reality that a black person being beaten to death, suffocated or otherwise murdered by uk police or mental-health professionals in a uk police-station or mental-health facility may not ultimately regard al qaeda, the ruskies, or isis as representing the greatest potential threat to his, or her, personal safety

prof pw bs iii

the face that lost a million votes

do you mean the wonky face of ed milibandage, i hear you say? the cheap socialist sticky-plaster designed to cover-up the mortal gaping wound of the iraq war and other labour-inspired wars of terror, which led ingloriously to the caring-sharing party's sudden self-inflicted death?

no.

i mean the ghoulish grinning gob-hole of tony "wog-bomber" blair, which impertinently persists in popping-up to corrupt the political consciousness of our unscreened televisual in-take with the cancerous propaganda of whatever subliminal neo-colonial neo-conservative agenda he happens to be pushing at any given moment in his interminable and intolerable serial-killing career - a constant crimson thorn cutting into the carnaged memory of an electorate still ashamed to countenance the trail of mutilated civilian bodies which blood-oil blair and his government left to rot across the now permanently warring wastelands of the middle-east.

yes...

...and today the man who once refused immigrants the right to receive life-saving treatment for aids on the nasty hospital service is blindly railing against the racism of the uk-capsized party, a group of great british grumblers who've never, thank fuck, had the power nor political presence to actually prosecute a neo-colonial war - no, no, they wouldn't dream of such a thing - but just don't want to see the maimed and impoverished results of great british foreign pulverization and ethnic persecution washing-up on our beautiful blue-flag british coastline of pristine cultural cleanliness, because that would be really be a reality show too far, wouldn't it?  beyond the pale an-all-that...non-bitter drinking bastards building our houses for knock-down prices, knocking-up public infrastructure projects for pennies, saving the great british taxpayer billions of pounds - well that's the theory, anyway - grafting for groats, servicing our beer-pumps, knocking-off our women - not-to-mention our blokes bored with bog-standard british booty - and generally bursting the bankrupt bubble of britain where, as-if-by-some-mad-mushroom-induced-magic, we can still get paid over-the-odds for producing bugger-all whilst the rest-of-the-world knocks-out shit for peanuts...

...wherever will it all end?

well, if we brits want the wedge to pay each other top-dollars for basically scratching each others bottoms on the beaches of europe, but don't on principle wish to work for the world market-rate like everybody else, it all ends in another war of exploitation where we bust-in to rape another country and rob it of its natural resources, just like tony bash-em-up blair did - so although burglar blair was the mastermind of the great middle-east mineral-mugging, he in fact drew his power-to-oppress overseas from the very same small-minded muddle-english mentality which views the u-keep-away party as the cynically simple solution to all our country's problems, and i humbly conclude that barbaric blagger blair and façade-for-fascism farage are merely two sides of the same bent britannic coin...

...but none of this alters the unforgiving rule of reality which dictates that the labour party will never be re-elected until its front bench is publicly purged of the sub-smirks of serving war-criminals and until tony "the butcher of baghdad" blair, along with all his free-loading former government monsters, are brought to justice in the hague for their long and wicked list of violations against humanity.

write to rant

today on spark up! we are privileged to be able to publish an exclusive extract from the diary of cryogenically preserved celebrity comedian, and bouncy-bed bastion of black british consciousness at the black-bashing corporation, mr lenny emery:

dear diary,

this morning, i woke-up in my luxury padded penthouse at promiscuous sin towers, luton, examined the super-calorific contents of my well-over-burdened intercontinental breakfast-tray...

...and, upon encountering some culturally-based confusion as to which side my toast had actually been buttered, pondered the matter awhile, before plodding off pensively down to my alternatively-coloured yet unbendingly benevolent masters based at bestiality house, portaloo place, london - primarily, it must be said, in order to embark on a self-sacrificing revolutionary whinge about the unethically under-cooked nature of my unbrowned bread...

...however, having announced my arrival at satan's-soul studios amid a fawning flatulent fanfare from fellow old fespian farts and entered unto the inner scrotum of scrotums (whereupon i was instantly blinded both politically and numismatically by that strangely intense white limelight, which as if through the power of some televisually enhanced magic once more began to radiate irrepressibly from my own unshackled artistic arsehole), it suddenly dawned on me (when removing my reality-bland shades and glimpsing my reflection in the basement-bog mirror) that the most prudent course of action would rather be to put on a big cheesy smile, wank the board-members off a bit, then ask them ever-so-nice-and-politely-like if they wouldn't mind awfully treating black fellas (and gals) like me a teeny-weeny dash better in the not-too-distant future...

...although, this all said-and-done, i obviously also proceeded to lay down the law in black-and-white and stated unequitably that i still wish to retain my exalted efnick position as grand-token-darky amongst darkies whilst continuing to appear as if i give a flying coconut-cake about the rest of the banana-careered bunch as they are all served-up to the chairman and dicksucker-general ass-first as an entrée exotico-erotico of afro-frisson fritters - fried to a facety-fit for the exclusive entertainment of the evil empire's faithful fag-boys.

yours ever-so ever-so gratefully


lenny ennui (cunt by example)

write to rant: valentine's special

without further ado, let me pass the keyboard straight-over to our most cherished and seasoned commentator, lady laaardidah of lordship road:

tonight, i am going to talk about a subject close to my heart: money...

...and well do you know what? there are neo-colonialist wars being fought all across africa and the middle-east - just to ensure that our so-called western democracies can rip-off the minerals and natural resources of impoverished third-world countries; civilian men, women and children are being murdered, raped and tortured by western soldiers and western proxy-mercenaries; whole populations are being left unconscionably poor because of cia-engineered civil-wars and exploitative western protectionist policies deliberately designed to prevent free-trade - and even in this our own nation, at least half our people have been disenfranchised from 'normal' established society, ejected, after summary state-educational psychological assessment, from the happy-slappy club of privileged political propriety, and black-listed as life-long members of the untouchable underclass by the cia, never to secure a 'good' job, ever...

...yet despite all this global deprivation, this social and economic turmoil, there's a prissy young white middle-class cow out there, miss stella greasepole mp, who's been spending time, money, and probably public resources, on a campaign to get another eternally young white middle-class cow, jane arsend, onto the back of the british ten-pound note - a paperback-writer on the back of our officially issued toilet-paper, so-to-speak...

...i'm not surprised this member of parliament, greasepole, received widespread popular abuse for her efforts - what ordinary person holds onto a tenner for long enough to notice what government-approved cunt pardon-my-patois is printed on it, anyway...?

...and now our oh-so-sensitive state is spending more time, money and public resources on protecting the honour and refined feelings of its little privileged madam, because obviously her feelings are so much more worthy than those of the pesky plebs who insulted her - what ordinary person would get this kind of service from the police and the criminal prosecution service, if slagged-off in the street, for example? is it now therefore illegal to heckle a politician in public...? especially the upper-class-upstart variety...?
...anyhow, why this literary obsession with jane arsend? does the respected mr carney engage in fantasy-wanks over her...? surely a far more suitable candidate would have been the lovely nell gwyn (this picture would do nicely), a working-class girl who made it good and a nice choice for the boys, who would then have a real incentive to get off the dole, get off their arses and earn a few notes to save-up under the mattress, instead of blowing the lot on beer and wacky-backy...

...of course don't ask me why, but personally i would prefer to see a facety old black bag on the back of our banknotes - for the fifties it could be mary supercreole, for example, the afro-caribbean nurse who was dame florence nightygulf's long-time civil partner and darling of the empire's troops in the crimea...

...just how long do we have to wait for a black brother or sister to make it onto the back of the bank-bog-roll? it was on our black backs upon which most of the wealth was made, wasn't it...? and we certainly paid for it...

...so big hugs and valentine kisses going out to peter nunn, the guy who's being prosecuted for putting ms greasypole-dancer in her place - for all i know, he could be a misogynist wife-beating tory, although i'm pretty sure he's not...

...anyway that's not the point- the point is that we, the general public, will never know what the point of the prosecution is, because the text of the allegedly malicious message is not being published for us to read and for us to judge for ourselves...

...if mr nunn's communication were truly offensive, then why keep it an official secret? why not promulgate the terror-inducing tweet far-and-wide and simply let the rude-mouthed rascal be shamed in front of his family, friends and society-at-large? no, the state will not allow this, because this is not about cost-efficient justice - this is about teaching the filthy-tongued working scum that they must doff their caps to their silver-spooned social betters, and about showing them that the government has the power to suppress any speech which might prove upsetting to a member of the ruling political elite, in what is effectively a secret trial, the proceedings of which will only be observed by a few favoured ones selected by the inner circle...

...how can we as members of society assess whether justice is being done in this case? how can we judge for ourselves whether mr nunn's message was malicious or whether it was some sort of rather dark joke? why should we be paying for such a costly public court case when in fact all expression is self-regulating at the point of delivery and inevitably receives a rapid counter-balancing reaction in the form of equally rugged words, as is appropriate...?

...and now i must turn to mr old holborn and give him my sincere thanks for supporting mr nunn in his committed mission to liberate the confined mentalities, emotionalities and vocabularies of our educationally and professionally challenged superiors, but no hugs and kisses, mind - since he is a libertarian who does not believe in the freedom of movement, via migration, and has also omitted in a most discriminatory and islamophobic manner to take up the cause of mr royal barnes and his wife rebekah dawson of hackney, who have likewise been charged under laws restricting their right to freedom of expression...

...now, islamic extremist patrols here in britain, however distasteful, simply constitute a negative emotional reaction to christian military democracies which use armed force to impose their values upon muslims in sovereign countries abroad - and these oppressive patrols on our streets are clearly also a direct reaction to attempts by our domestic authorities to impose bans on certain religious practices, such as the wearing of burkhas...

...now, whilst i denounce physical intimidation and aggression as a means of imposing one's personal religious values upon others, i must, in the name of multiculturalism, defend to the depths of my social conscience, the right of those with whom i disagree to say their piece...

...and in the strange case of mr barnes and his wife, whilst i despair for their manners and civility, i must respect their right to communicate and express their deep emotions in respect of the murder of mr lee rigby in woolich - in the name of a happy functional multicultural community imbued with equal opportunities, we must permit muslims to glorify the murder of british soldiers in britain, just as we allow our own political leaders and soldiers to glorify the murder of muslim combatants in foreign countries. we must also accept that muslims may wish to incite others to murder british soldiers in the defence of muslim lands - for in truth, had conversely this couple been speaking in parliament and incited british soldiers to murder muslim combatants in a foreign muslim country, they would surely have been promoted to cabinet and could even have risen to the rarified respectful rank of prime minister...

...nevertheless, i might add, that it's not actually possible to incite someone else to murder or carry out an act of terrorism - as this action is strictly an individual choice - and a 'terrorist publication' is more familiarly known as mere 'propaganda' in westminster circles...

...in summary, by silencing citizens' disgust at policies, our ministers and members of parliament are obviously attempting to hide from their own immorality - and this is why the public tends to utter its sentiments so viciously...

...it serves no purpose for greasypole to make this guy a scapegoat other than to promote herself and to advance her own political career by show-trial...

...fundamentally, the nunn and barnes-dawson cases are comparable in that there is exactly the same principle of free speech which lies at stake and to prosecute these malcontents achieves absolutely nothing in a world split between observers who already either wholeheartedly concur or differ with the positions held by the persons accused - the evidence here is sealed from public inspection and the judgment completely subjective, thus rendering the proceedings both anti-democratic, anti-judicial and singularly political; the only result of these court-hearings will be to anger the already angry within our communities and to squeeze out a possible outbreak of real violence - but naturally this type of reaction is precisely the unethical excuse for which our police-state itches in order to crack-down on those who dare to highlight its failings...

...you know, perhaps the most efficacious way to deal with mr nunn would be to strike his image upon pound-coins and then inscribe his tweet around their edges...?

...as i mentioned above, the matter-at-hand resonates with me incredibly profoundly, since, whilst serving in the labour shadow cabinet, i myself suffered the severe indignity of being gagged by the parliamentary press-gang, largely as a collateral consequence of refusing to suck mr obama's double-headed willy - although of course it would've been nice to have been offered the opportunity.


ll

my vision for a less alluring britain: a paranoid patriotical broadsideby "dozy" dave dachshund

today, a guest post by our prime minister:

now we are entering the interminable run-up to the next parliamentary elections, i would like to outline my plans to combat the greatest threat ever faced by this country to our cherished way of life...no, i do not refer to the illegal war-wankers who squat in the palace of westminster and have recourse to scrounging off the state-purse...but to the army of legal immigrants who wish to invade our borders, work for a living, and interrupt the sacred tradition of the great british tea-break, which for centuries has facilitated our citizens endless cultural quest to strive for and brew-up the perfect cuppa.

my strategy for combatting these half-boiled non-tea-drinking barbarians, who couldn't produce a proper pot of cha if they tried, is as follows (and generally comprises a trans-national policy of making our royal kingdom as undesirable a place to eke-out an existence as is politically possible without me being summarily ousted from power for humanitarian reasons by a united nations task-force with a military intervention mandate from the security council):

first, my government will introduce benefit restrictions on persons from european union member-states whom iain dunkirk smith's missus doesn't like the look of - with the full and dishonourable intention of opening the door on a legislative programme which will eventually corrode the entire social-security system and welfare-state unto the point of complete and utter disintegration, thus depriving of food and shelter all those cia-black-listed british and non-british citizens whom i and my conservative colleagues do not wish ever to secure decent remunerative employment from our multi-national-owing chums in the minted-breath mafia.

second, i will commission the jolly huntsman to degrade the national death crevice to a such degree that the sick and needy will be forced to cough-up repeat-prescription insurance contributions in order to top-up with basic medical care from the excruciatingly expensive private hospitals owned by my brethren in the extortionate elite.

third, i will contact ozburden to tax the economy to oblivion.

fourth, i will personally oversee the fracking, by greedy frog gas-prospectors, of our green and pleasant environment - naturally, with a view to poisoning the water-supply (for the benefit of my plug of shares in evian and perrier), precipitating persistent geological earthquakes along with persistent ecological heartaches, and last but not least, lining my own pockets with the slurry of stateside silver which i will proceed to pick-up without so much as pausing to piss any profit towards the poor peasants whose habitats i have sacrificed to fund the seamless stratological scam.

as a fifth measure, i will commit britain to sourcing unsustainable energy by procuring overpriced nuclear-power-installations from foreign super-cowboys, and siting said radical-attractive time-bombs in flood-susceptible locations...

...and finally, i will instruct wild willy havoc to launch cruise-missiles into the inner-cities of social discontent and rake the remnants of our unconservative communities with reconstitutional rounds fired from friendly united states army helicopters...or i might just contract al qaeda to finish the job if they can quote me cheaper - but whatever the preferred method of anti-cultural treatment, it will pan out much less costly, and provide a bigger better bang for our bucks, than we could possibly achieve by sending the plethora of plebs off to a pointless war.

this is my dream...

...of a land unfit for anycunt to live in.


dd

tescop mobile casts blacks, irish, and yappy border-collie-schnauzersas negative rôle-models

the television ads grimly make their point, in a coldly dictatorial don't-you-dare-me dispassionate fashion, reprovingly repressing the punter's right to disrespect the chose-us-or-else phone-package product currently being pushed by our premier purveyor of mercantile correctness, but the posters and photo-stills, show-bizarrely snapped for this take-no-prisoners neurotic-colonialist campaign, are just depressingly drab, to a degree which is devoid of any compelling human connectivity, especially this one, that is reminiscent, in its morosely melodramatic mood, of the no ifs, no buts benefit-fraud warnings, or perhaps those old-style drives to deter tube-fare-dodging where the isolated individual is detected and depicted in the clinical grey light-beam of cinéma vérité virtuousness.

reproachfully inhibiting potential customers' freedom of expression whilst denying the strategically selected star-performers an opportunity to shine-up their cv with effortlessly effusive verbal wit, would seem to be sending out completely the wrong message for a communications company (which is after all aiming buzby-like to promote profitable banter along their pay-lines), and it also has the professionally distasteful side-effect of somehow lacing the long-term memory with the unhappy image of a frustrated or failed comic.

indeed, this advertizement's atmosphere is so grim 'n gritty when observed in bare newsprint, that i simply can't avoid the gnawing afro-sensitive thought that there might have been a definite, deliberate and devious attempt by the w an' k agency to promote a culture of negative socio-racial stereotyping.

of course, i don't for one thousandth of a nano-moment blame this communo-ethnic betrayal on gina lashaway, ed airstack or dear old ronnie corgiette, who in their blithe political naïveté have all been well exploited here and comprehensively taken-in (unlike those termed 'immigrants' in this country, who from the 1950s and 60s to the present day have habitually been refused private accommodation by prejudiced scum-landlords on the grounds of skin-colour or national origin alone), yet obviously, no matter how accomplished an artist, the nightmare of being haunted by the curse of unimaginative and mediocre commercial production values is the eternal risk taken by a comedian when being remunerated for performing other people's dodgy material, as opposed to working-up his own scripts on the hazardous trail of trial and error, or even remunerating a copy-writer for quality lines at the correct market-price.

however, quite frankly, i consider it a damnable disgrace that, ranking alongside the randy romford rascal as one of britain's top-rated contemporary comedy acts, ms grievous lashearache, having gigged her friggin' arse off and made it bloody big-time over in the states, has been condescendingly palmed-off with such a fucking naf ad-spot - so let's hope, for her and her colleagues' sakes, that the mobile merchandise in question now lives up to the billing...

...because let's face facts, there's not much good publicity to be gained from associating with tescops otherwise - it's not as if this business, which enjoys the forced labour of unemployed jobseekers for free, is known as a burning beacon of charity...

...i mean-to-say, what's the chance of an establishment-approved outfit like w an' k or tescops (the firm which volunteered itself as a public immigration-surveillance department) dipping into the billions they've reaped in profits to fund a community information campaign against racial discrimination, hey?  would you join a phone-network which was run by a management once more-than-willing to monitor their customers on behalf of the government?

nevertheless, in conclusion, i must confess that there are already several alternative analyses doing the rounds which tend to contradict my afore-mentioned supposition that this multi-national operator indulged in cynical manipulation of multi-culturalism - the most compelling theory being that mega euro-mobster, mad ronnie kickbutt, was actually the gangster initially responsible for feeding the notorious reputation-damaging horsebeef into the retail-supply-chain earlier this year, and then helpfully popped-up to tender tescops his magic "mob-a-job" brand-relaunder-and-relaunch-service, although only on the strict condition that both his afro-caribbean east-end-moll and his long-haired gay-lover got some gratuitous greasy graft from the deal too.

clearly, i couldn't possibly comment.

ed shows di true colour of his knickers

this week's shadow-cabinet reshuffle shows that ed rubberband, the prodigal neo-colonialist puppet, has been mercilessly zapped back into the indoctrinated line of new-weird-odour mercenaries by his political handler, 'big' bro dave, who on behalf of the cia operates the labour party leader from the other side of north atlantic geo-political rift...

...for there was no way in the enwhitened and enamelled world of western democracy that a black woman, holding a seat in a british opposition shadow-cabinet, could possibly help instigate a lightening left-wing rebellion against the bastard blood-lusting proposals for a us war of aggression in the middle-east, make consequential international willies of the predator and vice-predator of the undead states of america, and in the process upset the vampire-in-waiting capillary clinton's carefully laid plans for an economically face-saving apocalypse, yet still hope to hang on to her racially-profiled frontline job...

...naturally, with a token afro-caribbean and a token asian already squatting proudly in the inner-circle of labour party chiefs, diane abbott was not only considered out of order politically and out of favour personally, but also above quota ethnically...

...indeed, although not great in physical stature, the former shadow health minister's ungraciously-engineered dismissal will leave a big gap on the opposition frontbench in parliament which will be filled by much slighter ladies, with far prettier cia-compatible politics, who will possess neither the experience, muscle, nor minds broad enough to force their leader into a corner of conscience and exercize him ethically unto the point where he might once more feel moved to face down the assembled forces of evil as they seek to scam quasi-legislative approval for the unjustified unleashing of unending unlawful war...

...we won't ever again be seeing a labour shadow-minister dementedly jumping up and down outside the prime minister's official residence in protest at our country's participation in illegal military aggression against foreign powers - the miliband cabinet's complacently compliant now...

...next time around, when the witch obama and his coven decide to conjure-up a conflagration of carnage to cap all cruel conflicts, the big political activist with the big mouth, from the small, so-called 'unimportant' constituency of hackney north and stoke newington, will not be there to bend ed the unred by his ear, whisper some sweet common-sense somethings into it, and let him hear the anti-war message passed down the gripevine by the unminted millions to whom morality matters...

...and who's now going to remind mr milibrit about the impending dangers of using arse-ignorant immigration policy to fluff-up the racist vote and frig-off fans of fascism...?  who's going to remind him that immigration restriction, the cia's favourite tool of torture against those born on the wrong side of the earth, leads to two-speed international socialism, a passport to poverty for the underprivileged exploited billions, and brown bodies rotting and rocking away at the bottom of our trench-trap oceans, swaying unconcerned in the eternal watery hammocks of their holed-dreams, after the boat-babies' deluded bids for some place a bit better...floundered...?  and who's going to remind him that whilst watchtower europe allows certain slaves entry to service the market, it calculatingly jettisons others to indemnify its social welfare program and preserve our state of lawful ignorance...regarding the global trade in humanity...?

...yes, when it comes to questions of race, mr miliband will always put his own first, because otherwise he knows he will receive a firm but frosty phone-call from the family - as he no doubt did before chucking diane overboard, along with the votes of many non-mainstream minorities, the ideological left, and any remaining chance of preventing his party from splitting asunder before the next general election...

...really, it seems such a dictatorial disgrace for this wet young woolly-brained whippersnapper to so disrespectfully ram a mute down the throat of such a senior advisor...

...but whilst there won't be any claim lodged for either race or age discrimination...

...the leader of the labour party will be held to account for his selfish actions...

...at the public polls.

the curious incident of the dork who didn't budge at the right time

inexplicably, bodge-it-man iain duncan smith, the bungling blue-meanister who has already recklessly blown millions on his notorious universal haircut (projected date for complete super-smooth roll-back: 2017), retains his precarious position in dave clingon's government as the most hated man in britain - despised indeed by broad cross-sections of benefit-claimants, working-classes, people with disabilities, ethnic minorities, and grass-roots conservatives alike...

...incredibly, even some high-ranking colleagues in cabinet hate the cunt...

...coz he always claims he's got some-shit in the pipeline, but then the system gets blocked, and he can't budge-it...

...so with a record of career-failure as long as his cobbled-together cock-up of a cv (contrived version), why have captain skid's mortal enemies, the bounty-hunting crew of fair-weather frigate, miliband's revenge, not yet handed this chronically constipated cabinet-minister the dreaded 'back-spot'...? (a largely ceremonial parliamentary procedure, which is traditionally performed by frantically digging-up the requisite degree of ritual dirt to despatch the accursed-one forthwith to a mossy park-bench in the bleak backwoods of bucks)

...and the answer to this ostensibly unfathomable parliamentary mystery is of course that captain plebwash is doing more damage to the conservative-government whilst stationed at the helm of his own morally and systemically misfiring departmental-destroyer than the shampooed shadow-boxers in the lack-labour opposition ever could hope to...

...nice work dave.

trial by template

there's a funny squiggly little shape somebody once drew on a map which some people call "britain",

some people love it, some people hate it,

but millions of people who live in the funny squiggly little shape don't even believe it exists, and believe instead that they live in different-shaped funny squiggly little things with differently-spelt funny squiggly little names,

and then again, many others believe they don't live in a funny squiggly-shaped little thing at all, nor do they have any emotional feelings for it, because it's an abstract and arbitrary political construct which only has real significance for those people who believe it exists because they believe they rule it and for those other people who believe it exists but don't themselves believe they rule it because they give money to the people they do believe rule it;

ed, dave, nick and nige believe it exists because they believe they rule it and will get money from other people who don't themselves believe they rule it,

but obviously if those other people didn't believe ed ruled it and ed didn't believe he would get money from them, then ed wouldn't believe he ruled it and wouldn't have to believe it existed,

and so ed wouldn't have to defend his dad's name when other people who believe it does exist accuse his dad of hating it because ed would simply submit that he could not believe his dad to have hated something which he himself didn't actually believe to exist,

and which in any case, being a good marxist, ed's dad knew never fucking well existed in the first place,

although naturally i mention this last point notwithstanding the remote theoretical possibility that he may have had, on occasion, good, just and reasonable cause,

to cuss it off really rotten like.

tescrow: the company with a possum in the tank

in chief-wally cameron's grand british massage-parlour of opportunity, the socially-sensible saintsbury's have opted to decline the government's free-gift of financially-forced-labour, rail-roaded from the job-camps of the unemployed, whilst in contrast, horse-traders tesconscripts have rushed-in to fill their inhumanely resourced boutiques from the disenfranchised ranks of press-ganged claimant-crews, shackled by circumstance of regressive elitist economics to benefit-workfare scams...

...and well, credit where credit's due, i suppose...

...because quarter-on-quarter, smart-thinking sensbury's profits are up, yet over a comparable period, tricky-tacky thicko's earnings are now slumbering...

...it seems that's the price you pay these-days for operating as a 'charitable' community-centric concern...

...and for those job-seekers not fortunate enough to be chosen to work identical shop-hours for unequal amounts of individually-assessed employment and housing benefits, there's the once-in-a-lifetime chance to get a taste of hypothetical-money doing a real job - when iain duncan smith miraculously recreates the genuine work-experience right there in the jobcentre, or a not-for-profit company which produces sweet fanny except big salaries for its fat batch of directors...

...yeah, really...

...billions of pounds are going to be splashed on simulating 'the real thing' in the hot-house industrial environment of politically-controlled public offices...

...except obviously, as one of the lucky-millions, you won't ever be sacked, get promoted, earn a bit extra by grafting on overtime, gain the emotional satisfaction of creating wealth with which to feed you or your family, learn handy transferable skills, or produce anything of any intrinsic utilitarian or monetary value whatsoever...

...no matter how much official cock you copiously successfully suck...

...but at least the obsessively moral supervision will keep you safe from accessing the incalculably evil and invisible realm of the mystical and unethical black-market economy, where you might just earn a few bob on-top of your state-allowance for tidying up some old granny's back-garden...

...moreover you'll trudge home each evening, dog-tired after a hard day's work, deliriously happy however in the knowledge that, like the billionaire businessmen of britain, you'll be taxed bugger-all...

...and then of course there will be the added bonus of doing something conscientious which contributes to the construction of a fairer, more equal and just society...

...such as:

• painting parliament blue...and then maybe orange, or purple and yellow according to general preference


• painting nuclear power-stations green


• painting black people white and white people black...whilst offering mixed-race citizens and asians the choice of either colour-scheme


• painting wind-turbines khaki-'n-camouflage to give them the enhanced ecologically-pleasing appearance of giant whirring metallic trees


• and painting all military personnel, plus their equipment, weapons, trucks and tanks, a pretty shade of pink...as a prelude to exporting this graphic concept-industry to the united states in the form of an all-inclusive designer make-over-service for marines...

...oh what a wonderful world this will be...

obama's war on nuns

i realize there may have been some confusion surrounding this issue...

...but right from the hazy dawn of this blog's creation up to the present, the clear official spark up! position on nuclear weapons has been that every citizen on god's beautiful globe should have ready access to one - for reasons of personal protection - and indeed, in an ideal world, it's my firmly held belief that the liberal governments of our world would preferably provide each of us with our own mini domestic arsenal which we could keep safely tucked-away in a bunker located either under the stairs, under the kitchen-sink, in the garden-shed, or housed in some other such handy homely facility...

...it's a basic human right for heaven's sake...

...moreover, we've all heard about how president obama is denying his people fundamental freedoms...

...for example, the freedom of transvestite soldiers, like sergeant bradley manning, to speak-out about the serial mass-murder of non-americans in the middle-east and africa by members of the united states military - merciless acts of terror which have been formally and generically authorized by high-ranking officers in the united states army and the political administration...

...well get this...

...now the president's crew are refusing an 83-year-old nun, called sister megan rice, the right to bare the truth about obama's secret hoarding of weapons of mass destruction, which he's keeping all for himself, and not sharing with the rest of us...

...obviously, being a christian, rice, the robed-revolutionary, was appalled at her president's uncharitable selfishness and protested by breaking into the y-12 nuclear weapons factory at oak ridge national laboratory in tennessee, which happens to be guarded by cia contractors g4s...

...according to the prosecution case proposed by paranoid government authorities, our hooded heroine actually wanted to construct her own domestic atom-bomb in order to get-shot of a few particularly stubborn insurgent weeds (of the genus prickius politicus) which were staging a bit of an ugly uprising in her otherwise placid herb-garden, and thus she urgently required a few rods of weapons-grade uranium...

...an unlikely story, one would think...

...however, as a result of her religiously-motivated non-violent anti-war actions, the poor-old dear's been convicted of "intending to injure, interfere with, or obstruct the national defense of the united states", been branded a terrorist by the state, and is facing 35 years in prison alongside christian pacifist compatriots greg boertje-obed, 57, and michael walli, 63...

...as matters stand, the indomitable sister megan rice, a veteran peace-campaigner, tough communion-wafer, and member of the anti-nuclear weapons movement, transform now plowshares, is currently being detained without bail at irwin county detention facility in ocilla, georgia, pending sentencing which will take place on tuesday, january 28, 2014, before district judge amul thapar in the federal court in knoxville, tennessee...

...yet meanwhile, the incumbents of the white house, allegedly also in pursuit of peace, are legally allowed to get hold of syria's chemical missiles and attempt to nick iran's nukes without any threat of arrest whatsoever...

...so it's one rule for mr obama, and another for everybody else...

...weapons of mass destruction are just too good for common people it seems - except when we are granted the infinitely gracious dispensation of being annihilated by them...

...and that's where it's at...

...the american president worships the warhead, placing it on a superior ethical plane way-above the heads of ordinary fellow human beings whom he would willingly sacrifice before ever contemplating the unilateral destruction of his insane uranium idol of moral oblivion.

ed declines rôle as hinge to obama's racket

in the case of proposed british military intervention in the syrian civil-war, the legal opinion of the government attorney general, dodgy dominic grieve, is based wholly upon the unconfirmed presumption that a chemical attack took place and that it was perpetrated by syrian government forces - yet david cameron has produced no solid intelligence or scientific evidence to support this view, just hearsay and circumstantial evidence.

now then, the syrian government is brutal and repressive, much like our own british establishment
(although i grant that in recent times we haven't seriously tested the lash of its whip here at home in the uk, excepting of course in those cases where certain citizens' skin colour has accidentally offended our tone-sensitive authorities)...

...and because the people in ghouta have suffered horrendous barbaric bombardment, we are naturally all extremely sympathetic to their plight, and have no desire to insult their integrity and add to their already deep injury...

...however, the desperation of these syrian people, who are being targeted and slaughtered by their own government, could clearly lead them to resort to extreme measures in an attempt to induce the intervention of british, american, and french forces against their oppressor...

...therefore, having regard to the fact that the cia initially encouraged the syrian opposition to demonstrate and that cia involvement deliberately provoked the syrian government, which then proceeded to commit crimes against humanity...

...and also having regard to the fact that the united states government has sought to incite war in syria...

...and also having regard to the fact that the united states government is looking for the slightest excuse to attack syria, topple president assad, and replace his régime with its own brand of terror...

...and also having regard to the fact that, in the presence of united nations weapons inspectors, it makes no sense whatsoever for the syrian army to launch a chemical attack which could instigate crushing western intervention against its forces...

...and also having regard to the fact that there has been a retracted report of the cia helping rebels set up a false-flag chemical attack in order to lay blame for an atrocity on the syrian government (see alternative source 1, and alternative source 2)...

...and also having regard to the fact that syrian rebels have been discovered in possession of chemical weapons in turkey...

...and also having regard to the fact that the bitter syrian civil war is being fought down sectarian and tribal lines and so utterly intractable that any western intervention would never solve a dispute whose roots grow deep down into the centuries...

...and also having regard to the fact that our western intelligence agencies are notorious for arriving at dodgy conclusions...

...and also having regard to the fact that photographs of the aftermath of the halabja poison gas attack, in iraq, differ considerably in appearance from photographs of the alleged ghouta poison gas attack (see additional source 1, additional source 2, additional source 3, and additional source 4)...

...and also having regard to the fact that the british and united states governments have blatantly tried to bounce this decision on military intervention through our parliament before united nations weapons inspectors have properly been able to investigate the alleged ghouta poison gas attack...

...i'm bound to express my concerns that, notwithstanding the circumstance of the strike occurring at night-time, the scenes portrayed in the video-footage of the alleged ghouta poison gas attack seem unusually organized considering the horrific chaos which would be precipitated by such an event, the unmarked children seem to be sleeping or sedated, not dead, and a staged atmosphere seems to prevail throughout, wherein rescue-workers inexplicably omit to wear vital chemical protective suits. indeed, even the careful spacing of dead animals in the yard seems somewhat too regular and precise.

if my analysis is wrong here (i'm no expert on chemical weaponry), i sincerely apologize, but the feeling of something being 'not quite right' about these images is overwhelming, i'm afraid (see source 1, source 2, source3, and source 4).

i guess that ed miliband, together with many other members of parliament, has already sussed the suspicious or faked nature of the evidence provided and, by seductively holding the door ajar for military intervention (subject to improbable cast-iron confirmation from united nations weapons inspectors of a syrian government chemical attack), he is now allowing david cameron's feet to sink right down into the wet concrete, which will subsequently set rock-hard when the truth of the matter is finally revealed - and thus when the prime minister is duly and summarily ejected from parliament, he will have to hope that it is on the landward-side, where he can assume a statuesque position of dishonour alongside his fellow war-criminal, winston churchill, in parliament square, rather than on the river-side, where he would enjoy a class of more fishy company.

obviously, ed miliband should not have proposed any permutation of proof which would have obligated him to back a war against syria - he has given a hostage to fortune - so let us now pray that parliament will grant no authority for this war whatsoever, irrespective of the standard of war-crime evidence forthcoming.

ed "chef" miliblend: i cooked it my way

guest post submitted by garnish ed:


today i decided to venture into london's african quarter in search of exotic new ingredients, and it was then that it hit me: you can't bake a bunch of cack without breaking any eggs...

...and you know strangely enough, the germ of this idea wasn't hatched by one of my afro-caribbean fans, but was volunteered by a supporter of english origin who just happened to be moonlighting as a messenger of abstract philosophical concepts - i sure didn't see that coming...

...but no need to dwell on circumstantial details, let me go back to the very beginning of the story in order to recount the exact sequence of events that led to the brain-storming session during which i was generously garnished with the full political facts...

...now the proof of the pudding is in the eating, or so people say...and therefore whilst chatting up the local totty, i took the opportunity to test out my new immigration recipe on some of my admirers, simply to gauge their broad reaction, you see...

...obviously, we don't want our socialist party to be accused of racism or anythink like that..and this is why we agreed to divide the labour involved in pissing-off immigrants between ourselves and the conservatives, equally; dave said he didn't mind dealing with the illegals, who tend to be non-european and non-white - basically, he reckoned he wasn't bothered about being called 'racist' as he was looking to nail the nasty vote with his nasty-vans - whilst i was left to take on the poles who are usually of caucasian appearance...

...in fact, to be brutally honest, i was really quite inspired by mr godzilla bloomer, who subliminally communicated to the electorate his subconscious desire to lynch black people by actually expressing his wish to personally hang terrorists - very subtle stuff, i thought...yes, by having a go at the polish it would give the heavily suggestive impression that we were bashing immigration in general, yet at the same time we couldn't be called 'racist' - clever, eh?  what's even better is that polish people would be confident in the knowledge that they couldn't be deported and be preferred for the jobs anyway, being far keener employees than benefit-blunted brits...and even better still, we would not, strictly speaking, be victimizing polish people but, rather, global business, like big bad tescops - well dodgy merchants, who, it turns out, offered to help the previous labour government spy on illegal immigrants...

...drat...as i mentioned already, you have to break things sometimes...but nevertheless it seems tescops constitutes a huge fucking corporate egg and doesn't much fancy getting smashed up...and besides, i'm told the polish are very americo-chummy sorta folks, like me...so we'd better scratch that crafty little strategy...

...and also, mummy isn't too pleased about us harassing the poles...since she says they arranged her escape from the nazis during the second world war - whoops...

...anyway, i'm sure you get the general drift of our key-stone employment policy - brits are never going to get employed unless when in government we bribe companies to employ them by means of totally illegal equal-opportunities-busting financial incentives, or unless we force firms to employ them via equally illegal equal-opportunities-busting directives...or unless as a labour government we create a free-market promoting fair-competition and a level-playing-field for british workers...by utterly abolishing the welfare-state...and then err...losing the next general election...

...oh dear, do we have to interfere in the private affairs of companies...and force them to adopt alternative discriminative policies...?  surely, in a perfect world, they should be allowed to institute whatever anti-meritocratic selection system they fancy...and be free to fuck up their balance-sheet in the narrow-minded manner of their choice...?

...ah, apparently not...according to this text from america...as it's a proxy government's solemn duty to stick it's oar in wherever it's not wanted...and to wiggle it around until the enterprise in question either goes down the plug-hole of ignorance or coughs up it's taxes...so there we have it...

...we'll carry on chewing the trouser-legs of the big boys - who'll just tell us to piss off - and doggedly persist in our vain attempts to monitor the myriad activities of the swarm of smaller outfits...

...but hey, never mind all that sophisticated micro-managerial poppycock, at the end of the day, it's upholding core ideological principles that matters - and this primarily means:

i)  condoning every murderous neo-colonialist war of aggression in which the united states becomes engaged in order to exploit resources - for example, those which occurred in iraq, afghanistan, and libya. 

ii)  condoning the arming of military dictatorships, military factions, or police-states, such as those favoured in egypt, somalia, mali, or nigeria, in order to suppress local populations and provoke them into seeking reactionary sanctuary in islamic government, or islamic extremism, the manufactured emergence of which can subsequently be used as a convenient pretext for funding further oppressive military governments or wars of aggression, ad infinitum. 

iii)  condoning the arming of al qaeda, rebel, insurgency, or other tribal factions in order to overthrow governments which are not conducive to western corruption - such as has recently been the case in libya, syria, the ivory coast, and somalia.

...so fundamentally you see, international socialism's all very straightforward and egalitarian, in my excessively educated opinion - imagine a multi-storey wedding-cake:

a)  the top tier of the wedge just gets shared between me and my mates in the shadow-cabinet, who then flog slices on to our capitalist mates at exorbitant rates. 

b)  the slightly more generous second tier is split between the remainder of the british population.

c)  the biggest bottom tier is divided equally between the fuck-knows-how-many-billions of piss-poor people around the world whose wealth and resources we systematically knock off to make the cake in the first place, and whose labour we continually exploit in dangerous mining or sweat-shop industries because we won't do any other kind of business with them - agro-commerce, for instance, which would provide citizens of poorer countries a sustainable and healthy living - although clearly, members of this global underclass are always free to immigrate to the united kingdom to dig up spuds and such for supply to british supermarkets like tescops, so long of course as these economically-pressed labourers remain working illegally and graft away for considerably below the national minimum wage.

...and there you have it, accessible tenets of kitchen-table socio-economics that the man-or-woman-in-the-street can readily grasp and utilize...

...dean porter certainly fucking well did.


(note to myself:...mmm...maybe make that an upside-down wedding cake...)

spark up! artsflush exposé: bloomer busted in bunga bunga banana bonanza

yes, we can exclusively reveal that the english mep for yawn, waffle and humbug, stubbornly shitting it out at the centre of the latest storm in a coconut to whirl around britain, is not a racist at all, but is in fact an unlicensed and voluntary publicity agent for the world-renowned congolese soukous superstar, kanda bongo man, whose sweet sounds and eye-popping dance videos, are featured below:

kanda bogo man live ii

kanda bongo man live i

kanda bongo man - yolanda

according to various hot sauces in far-right humberside canteens, the notorious "anti-aid interview" in question was actually a massive publicity stunt designed to promote african pop-music and culture, and the ukblip pillock politician who masterminded it, mr godzilla bloomer, has now reluctantly agreed to retract his 'bongos', but apparently only after his party-pooping leader, mr niggle frigidildo, unsportingly held electrodes to them until long past last orders, when the shocking admission is said to have been pumped out.

however, despite this humanely-obtained confession to afro-centric advertizing, godzilla still flatly denies receiving any bananas, melons, mangos, coconuts or other fruits of the forest in return for his services, although bar-staff at his local drinking-hole have recently raised serious concerns over his ravenous appetite for peanuts and his tendency to squat down and dump huge piles of steaming dung on the pool-table.

performers in the international soukous community claim they have never heard of the big fat bastard and certainly haven't fed him, but they do recall noticing a weird-looking english guy at concerts who kept scratching his armpits and making odd grunting noises at the dancing-girls in an attempt to attract their attention through some strange form of mating-ritual - the man is described as white, middle-aged, and dressed in a dirty old raincoat.

barack bumps god

in assuming the divine might to kill whomsoever he chooses, to imprison whomsoever he chooses, and to stick his slimy snoop-a-holic nsa nose wherever he so chooses (when it's not browsing up the backside of neo-colonialist corporate america, that is), president barack obama has outscored the long line of powder-parasites who preceded him into the white house and risen on high, elevated in his own shimmering shaft of supreme slam-dunking arrogance, to supersede the most exalted administrative office of the great lord almighty himself.

through the power invested in him by his multi-national host of death-angels, military-intelligence minions, and their battalions of rogue-raiding private-investigators, who snuffle and root their way around the most intimate areas of our lives as they sow their sly seeds of wall-to-wall digital surveillance, this dubiously elected morality-monitor, perched atop the vicious x-factor tree of elite-ethics-evasion, can hear everything, and see everything, that we say, and that we do - he is everywhere, and by virtue of the progressively encroaching micro-technology which he plans to have implanted up every last one of our assholes in some mad mass celebration of holey communication, the great invader will doubtless also soon be in all of us...

...so it now just remains to watch, wait, and wonder, in awestruck absolution, as our great american overlord augustly allows his only conscious son, sergeant bradley manning, a british auxiliary grounded in basic human principles, to be coolly crucified...

...of course, it could have been obama up there before the grand military judge at the fort meade show-trial in maryland, but it appears he bit off more from the big juicy apple of temptation than he cared to spit out again.

how zimmerman got off

last year, in criticism of civil rights' abuses such as those to which barack obama is a nonchalantly unforced signatory, i posted, on another blog, a comment which fell just shy of describing trayvon martin's murder as an act of casual racism - but now the trial is finished and the available facts disclosed, i would like to state unequivocally that allegations of racism against george zimmerman are substantially irrelevant and must not cloud the way in which we view the actions of this acquitted, yet far from equitable, neighbourhood watchman.

throughout the whole trial, not one racist piece of papier-mâché putty has stuck to wannabe-policeman zimmerman, and none probably ever will, because the man was simply a dangerous busy-bully, with violent form, who psychopathically profiled all those of whom he did not like the look - namely, a group of unspecified individuals contained within a huge and multi-cultural subset in the seething seas of his subconscious; there was no clear intellectual rationale governing zimmerman's thought-processes as he stalked down and shot an unarmed teenager who boasted nothing more to his name than a couple of schoolboy misdemeanours - the hunter just needed a 'kill' to assuage the pangs pulsing from the achingly empty emotional pit deep within his soul.  the murder wasn't pre-meditated, nor in the end perhaps, particularly casual, but at the clinch, retaliation, whether physical or purely emotional, just could not be tolerated by the person whom the authorities had chosen (and deemed fit) to do the dirty work of the law.

all agents of the state have an unwritten licence to kill innocent members of the public, and this recent judgment in the criminal courts of florida savagely reinforces that politically and morally arrogant presumption.

why should we be surprised that members of the local police department made every effort to avoid arresting the killer, their own informer?

why should we be surprised that the state prosecution team spiked their own case by pursuing the impossible-to-prove claim of racial-profiling which was guaranteed to slam the majority white jury into a prejudicially defensive mode?

why should we be surprised that the state prosecution team patently failed in their duty to present the events leading up to the murder in a diligently researched manner such that the jury would be left with no room for ambiguous interpretation?

why should we be surprised that, to make its case, the state prosecution team relied heavily on a legally shaky, although feisty, young african-american witness whom it surely knew the defence lawyers would eventually reveal to have lied under oath, and whom under any circumstances the racially-biased jurors would inevitably have determined to be unreliable?

yes, the individuals leading the police investigation and directing the florida state attorney's legal process clearly were racially-prejudiced and guilty of finessing an unsuccessful prosecution.

yes, the zimmerman case does bear remarkable similarities to the unforgivably flawed judicial and police action mounted against stephen lawrence's killers.

my personal conclusion: let zimmerman go free within the confines of his own conscience, and force all state officials connected with this sophisticated and widespread whitewash to stand trial for the wilful abuse of the civil rights of a deceased crime victim and his family.

will barack obama support such a course of lawful remedy?  unlikely, the president allows his armed servants to kill and maim innocent men, women and children across the globe with absolute state-sanctioned impunity - why should mr obama wish to undermine the so-called 'authority' of his own military?

in truth, the president of political persecution's son would not look like drayvon martin, but like the common murderer who walked into liberty from the dock of the court.

gove bans 'gay': spark up! playground poll special

in the wake of uk education secretary mr marigold glove's decision to ban the use of the word 'gay' in school-yards (where it can apparently have many mildly ironic meanings ranging from 'not full-on' to 'flaky', 'flouncy', 'naff', 'half-arsed', 'not-normal', 'effected', 'a flop' or whatever), spark up! has sampled a snapshot of british school-kids' opinions on this polarizing issue...

...when questioned as to what they thought of glove's latest diktat, students living in multi-cultural inner-london areas said they thought the policy was:

"a bit gay really"

...when the group was then asked how they viewed politicians in general, the same socially-conscious babes of political correctness reckoned that conservative government ministers were:

"all fucking gay, init?"

...when invited to spell the word 'gay', the pupils' unanimous answer was:

"don't fucking know, don't fucking care"

...although one clever-dick did have an alternative four-lettered spelling which seemed to prove quite popular judging by the covertly compulsive chuckling of his co-scholars...

encouraged by the success of his delexiconizing mission to wash-out children's gobs with establishmentally-friendly soap, mr glove is now planning to proscribe the word 'sick' in its sense as 'ace', the word 'bad' where it is used to mean 'wicked', and the word 'black' is to be expunged from the english dictionary altogether due to historically derogatory and corrupted connotations cultivated by snobby racist cunts like the secretary of state himself....

.... and finally, squirting the dainty pink icing-deco on the wedding-cake of his party's progressive education initiative, mr marigold glove has declared his preference for a commitment to cultural inclusivity and is providing political proof of this by pushing for the immediate release of funds directed towards the promotion and inception of spanking new 'gay academies'.

sergeant bradley manning: i don't know what made you do it, but may god go with you

they say that communication is the greatest thing - well it sure contributes to good global relations and helps us understand when we have done wrong...

...so whilst in washington, the white house administration strives to shine-up a star-spangled sheen on the shooting-shower of shit it has demonically dumped on humanity, the rest of the world looks on, dismayed at the dead devastating decades of destruction, waiting for the united states army, without even drawing its wild wanton weapon from the holster of hypocrisy, to psychopathically shoot itself straight in the one firm foot which seeks to keep the all-apathetic american public grounded in the respectful realm of religious reality.

god bless bradley manning's supporters

home secretary cracks down on use of nouns, pronouns, adjectives, and adverbs

theresa dismay has today set out her plans to introduce new communications legislation aimed at banning all words - in a bbc no-insight interview with jeremy vexedman, she explained that these subversive verbal items have been discovered to assist in the instigation, preparation and commission of acts of terrorism, and have also been used to say nasty mean horrible things about her and her mates in government.  the cabinet minister stated that she was going to deal with all parts of speech equally, but that to be strictly honest it was articles which were causing the most serious problems - she intends to proscribe all words in all dictionaries in all languages and a few more besides, and says if anyone thinks up any new ones, they're gonna be in bloody deep dog-shit.

jeremy vexedman said he couldn't quite see the object of the new laws, but otherwise seemed lost for questions...

...and we here at spark up! have nothing to say on the subject either.

redressing the record: religion, retribution and responsibility

despite periodic and concerted efforts to deviously detain us, disturb us, and distract us from our duties, we on this blog are somewhat erratically engaged in an absurdly sisyphean attempt to make sense of the senseless.

for my own part, i do not support any religion, but instead believe that a process of individual reasoning, resulting in conclusions derived from personal experience, is the sole grinding route to enlightenment. nonetheless, i respect everyone else's freedom to follow their various faiths, as long as they in turn do not prevent others from finding their own paths in life; the more shrines, temples, churches, synagogues and mosques the merrier, say i.

however, the misuse or wilful misinterpretation of religious teaching, in order to vent one's violent frustrations or justify murder, is clearly wrong, even when the target may previously have committed the self-same sin himself, and this is why i do not condone the statutory re-introduction of the death-penalty in this country - not-to-mention that such a move would simply be hijacked then subverted by malicious ideologists perniciously predisposed to the savage discrimination currently endured by citizens of our communities who are accustomed to historic vicious and habitual victimization from this so-called tolerant society.

on this account, i am bound to maintain that, no matter the seemingly maniacal manner of last week's murder in woolwich, the two assailants were fully conscious of their pre-meditated actions and must, if they have not in effect already done so, assume complete responsibility for them - thus setting a better example to the younger generation than members of our political hierarchy, security services, armed forces, and police services, who are equally guilty of such crimes, yet do not admit culpability.

finally, although i am no particular devotee of this philosopher, i would like to thank monsieur jean-paul sartre for his indirect assistance, via his stage-play les mains sales, in disentangling the amoral mess which has been manufactured, albeit mostly in my own mind, as a consequence of the macabre incident presently under the microscope of public criticism - and hence never hereafter let it be said that i have not given due and proper credit to personages of froggy heritage.

why ministers need to get out

despite yesterday's so-called 'terrorist' attack on a member of the british armed services in south-east london, and home secretary theresa may's self-assured security assessment that this incident "was an attack on everyone in the united kingdom", passengers on the london underground last night refused to buckle to government fear-mongering propaganda and proceeded to travel home in a cheerful and bubbly mood.

the ultimate reason for this indictable discrepancy between official and public perception of wednesday's bloody political assassination (of government apathy towards the state-sanctioned-slaughter and suppression of common people worldwide) is the profound inability of our political classes to discern the truth of any given matter, even when that truth is as plain as the snide stuck-up nose on a cabinet minister's fraggled old face.

due to the chillingly cool and communicative post-mortem analysis by one of the ordinary islamist street-guys who carried-off this piece of performance butchery, even the close witnesses to yesterday afternoon's horrific slaying clearly comprehended that this sick-spiritual-forces assault was really a scene in a theatre-of-war which did not actually or directly affect them as general citizens - because it was simultaneously a symbolic, psychological, and physical mash-up of the ruling establishment itself.

this biblical road-rage revenge did not shock london - we suffer the rhythmic self-annihilation of our ideologically mismodelled youth, week-in, weak-out; our great leaders' unspoken mantra of dog-eat-dog liberally cut with the rawhide rote of ram-raid ideology has provided the cruel cokehead cornerstone of our evil-by-example education system for at least a thousand years.

this extraordinary event was not (as implicitly reported by certain cynical media) a racially-motivated crime perpetrated by two black men against one white man - if indeed there was any insidious incitement, then this tragedy's flames were ostensibly fanned by religious fanaticism, the same form of freaky fundamentalism which drove st tony "the baptist" blair and st george "burning" bush to wreak a heinous holy holocaust upon hundreds of thousands in iraq, afghanistan and pakistan, where the casualties continue to include many civilian families.

this carriageway carnage was not an act of 'terrorism' in our prime-minister's perverted self-serving hijacked sense of the word, since it was an act of war by self-confessed comrades-in-arms against a contracted combatant figure of authority and completely indistinguishable from the actions of our own government's forces in afghanistan, for example - yet in its intention and effect, the slaying was in fact fundamentally designed to terrorize, manipulate and politicize the individual british citizen in the same tyrannical manner as our own troops have terrorized and blackmailed citizens in the middle-east over many hundreds of years on a monstrously industrial scale which can only be described as supremacist.

if these judicial jihadists' actions must be characterized as a crime, then surely it can only be considered a crime passionelle?  they just lost it, together with the whole humanitarian plot - and if their hatred was cultivated, it was most probably home-grown under the hothouse of british police barbarity; after all, when mark duggan was extra-judicially executed by the metropolitan police's flying squad, was that sensationally slick operation decreed a crime or the uniformed protagonists portrayed as terrorists?

when innocent civilians (often children) are 'collaterally' damaged and destroyed by death-drones or royal-approved apache attack-helicopters in war-torn-zones of afghanistan and pakistan, how many pilots are painted as terrorists and how many paraded as heroes?  unknown foreign bodies, it seems, are not in principle worthy of a paltry crumb of publicity at the highly-biased-table of the british broadcasting cartel.

if the ethereal ethical guardians, both christian and muslim, who pose as this country's theological élite, had ever bothered to rush to condemn the ever-stretching string of immoral western-inspired wars of aggression, in afghanistan, somalia, mali, ivory coast, syria, libya, iraq, yemen, and pakistan, and congo as lightening-quick as they have hot-hoofed-it into the capital's television studios to distance themselves from, and impiously vilify, these two democratically disturbed desperados, would perhaps our children have been forced today to watch this recurring digital nightmare on john wilson street?

does the british electorate understand that our governments, be they nominally left-wing, centre, or right, care not a jot for our livelihood, well-being and security, as they send off our soldiers like lambs to the sacred abattoir of power-without-responsibility for the impure purpose of vainly primping and propping up their megalomaniacal egos and decadently feathering the state-subsidized status of their own nasty narcissistic nests - only to import mayhem and murder at an exorbitant price to our own stressed-out streets.

(my, i bet our brave boys were chuffed-to-fuck about the security services' 20 minute response-time to yesterday's brazen bit of live-broadcast open-heart brutality - although how it happened on the doorstep of the poor cunt's barracks without anyone on-duty lifting a frigging trigger-finger or even noticing al qaeda outside playing ring-a-ring-a-roses round the truncated trophy corpse of their dead chum, god-in-heaven only knows, but obviously the other buggers in the battalion all now know exactly on which side the big fat bastards in westminster have buttered their mean army-regulation rations of sliced-bread for them.)

does david cameron not realize that these islamic resistance-fighters will "never buckle" in the face of anglo-american invasion, neo-colonialism, oppression and exploitation, any more than this island's population would ever have surrendered to the yoke of hitler's foreign fascism during the second world war?

ironically, it's our own extremist establishment which has been crushing the sweet juice of civilized culture from the hard-pressed communities of britain - however, 'removing' the crusty controlling classes will not be necessary, for our hopelessly hamstrung hierarchy is now steadily disintegrating under the dead-loss weight of its own conceited corruption.

in the wake of such stunning and sharply surreal news, i suppose this following remark must rank as a pretty inconsequential afterthought...but for many of us, the day when barack obama's misguided mercenary was ritually sacrificed on the altar of democratic hypocrisy in woolwich, south-east london, was the day when the american president's skin-colour patently became an incidental irrelevance.

i dedicate this response to mr david william donald cameron - in war there are no rules, and less reason.