Tuesday, 7 December 2010

assange extradition extra: clinton claims "wikileaks sex-monster raped me"

in a shocking new twist to the wikileaks exposure saga, secret white house diplomatic documents reveal that the secretary-in-a-state, mrs hillary rodham clinton, has accused frisky wikileaks fiend, julian assange, of abducting her to his secret mountain-top lair for a randy three-in-a-bed romp with his horny live-in kangaroo, "hoppy" (a doe). in a tearful heart-to-heart with bosom buddy michelle obama, mrs clinton is reported to have confessed: "assange imprisoned me in his lewdly lurid love-nest...reeled me into a trance by playing funky unamerican rhythms on his didgeridoo, ripped off all my designer fairtrade-cotton clothes, tied me down with incredibly strong cables, and then forced me to have sexual-relations with that animal whilst he joined in and ravished me senseless. it really was an absolutely indescribable experience".

when questioned over the allegations, mr assange asserted that he had "never touched the cross-hatched old crumpet", and exploding in exasperation, the postie-from-hell went on to explain: "look mate, she's stalked me all 'round the bloody globe under the pretence of carrying out covert soddin' surveillance vital to the interests of national soddin' security...when, in reality, the shagnasty sheila's just been after a doodle-on-me-donger...strewth". the pussy-cuted wikileaks founder wearily insists that he has rejected the secretary of state's ardant amorous advances on a multitude of occasions and that his hastily effected evasive action has usually resulted in the former first-lady becoming "as cranky as a deranged dingbat on drugs", baring her chest, and "wobbling her tits" at him.


in a dramatic new development, white house officials have re-affirmed the administration's position that classified embassy communications should now only be disseminated on a strict "need-to-know" basis, and has vehemently denied suggestions that a warrant for mr assange's extradition has been issued in order for michelle and hillary to determine whether he is a real 'jules blonde'.

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