Saturday 12 June 2010

spark up! exclusive: bp (blow-pipe) unlimited - the facts behind the fuck-ups


at the core of one of their trademark unsubtly-synchronized damage-limitation exercizes, the british mainscream media are trotting out one of their sloppiest stories ever: how the bp oil-spill has polluted the anglo-american 'special relationship' - you know, what with bp being a 'british' company 'n all. well, well...i'm sure that my esteemed 'n educated readers (tom and dick) will have spotted straight-off that bp plc is, in reality, a multi-national enterprise which trades shares on stock-markets around the globe, and, after a cursory blink at the company's wikipedia entry, they will have realized, like i, that supernova bp is a concern native to iran - a fact which may go an awful long way towards explaining president obama's current hostile relationship with this slimy shower's board of directors, despite their generous donations to democratic party funds, and the fact that roughly 40% of the shareholders are americans (the other 60% being split 40:20 between britons and penguins respectively). to be fair, this ownership-profile reveals bp as the mother-cunt-fucking epitome of the incestuous relationship between the united states and great britain. anyway, even though bp's tax-return is basically paying the guy's wages, obama still persists with the view that the blotch formerly known as the anglo-persian oil company is actually a british sub-branch of al qaeda - a view which, as it turns out, is totally incorrect.

as regular spark up! readers will undoubtedly have guessed, the origins of the deepwater horizon cowboy-plumbing extravaganza are not to be found in iran, nor in alaska (where bp last dumped), nor indeed in bp's super-downsized health and safety department (which is rumoured to consist of an ancient and yellowing no-smoking notice informally blu-tacked to the door of a deserted shack located someplace in death valley, california), but are to be discovered on mr obama's very own doorstep, in downtown kingston, jamaica, at the official residence of president spudus of the unknown underworld. spark up! special investigators have ascertained that the strange fuse of occurrences, which alledgedly lit the explosion in the gulf, began when the president was on vacation in miami, florida, and elected to pull into an amoco (bp) gas station with the simple and honest intention of tanking-up his swanky customized sports-utility-vehicle (bumper force one) with some of their high-grade merchandise. it apparently all kicked-off when, president spudus, being the man of breeding that he is, decided it appropriate to compliment the somewhat over-qualified lady-cashier upon the amplitude of her burgeoning bosoms - however it instantly transpired that the beleaguered buxomized black beauty did not require further endorsement of her upholstery beyond the 1088 lovingly crafted commendations which she had already received on that very day alone, and reading the premonitions in his palm's-eye, brazenly grabbed his bills (to pre-empt premature palpitation), but blankly refused to give him the nectar points he desired on his bp ultimate club key tag, a situation which distressed the president greatly, as he was very fond of collecting the maximum possible number of loyalty points for his account.

on returning to his homeland, the president retired to his conical office and pondered the irritating incident which had cast a shadow over his break in the subject states - and upon reflection, he decided that, he had, in all likelihood, over-stepped the mark on the breast-front, and had, in all ignorance, probably breached local custom and traditional protocol regarding such occasions, and holding this thought firmly in his head, the president took it upon himself, following all the correct procedures and channels, to contact the chief executive of bp, make full his apology and, in the process, hopefully get his nectar points re-instated. as one would expect, when dealing with a person of such lowly status as mr tony hayward, the commuting time for emails was rather lengthy, nevertheless, after a few months, the president was eventually rewarded with a reply - unfortunately, the language of the message was rather rude, and addressed neither the offended bust-matter, nor the summarily withheld nectar points. the president, being a reasonable and mild-tempered fellow, made one last attempt to resolve the cultural misunderstanding, and despatched a final proposition, wherein he detailed that, if the traumatized lady in question would care to accept, by way of apology, an expensive candlelit dinner for two at a classy oceanside miami grille, he would be quite agreable to receiving one of those jazzy green 'n yella bp t-shirts as commensurate compensation for his elusive nectar points - particularly as the garment's colour scheme reminded the president of his own national flag. tragically, mr hayward plumped to respond in the most brusque of manners - opining that he didn't 'give a fancy-fuck about some two-bit amoco attendant's humongous hooters' or how they felt, and also ventured to suggest that the logo-design of the shirt would not 'show off' the president's 'delightfully dark skin tone' to its 'best advantage'. naturally, as readers can only imagine, the president was devastated by the chief executive's etiquettical cataclysm, but chose, in that peculiar jamaican way, to keep his thoughts to himself (namely, that mr hayward's public relations advisor would definitely benefit from rapid retraining from the contents of a mac-10 machine-pistol magazine). i daresay i need hardly mention that, on the following morning, the president took out his speedboat for a long leisurely fishing-trip, happened, during his cruise, upon a conveniently sited semi-submersible offshore exploratory drilling rig (owned by bp), stopped to nyam on his jerk-chicken lunch, got into jovial conversation with some of the oilfield-workers on the platform, and carelessly flicked the butt of a blazing spliff down the main drillshaft. the rest, i believe, is history - and quite a costly mess.

for the reasons outlined above, i would explain to mr obama, were i ever to have that extremely dubious pleasure, that 99% of britons have about as much in common with bp plc as they have with a suitcase jammed-out with 100 billion dollars' worth of semi-hard us currency. furthermore, i sincerely hope that this unfortunate little turn of events will not deter michelle from doing t with the queen, as t says he always enjoys these parties immensely. as for the upcoming soccer match between the usa and england, i trust and pray that junior ball-boy cameron picks the football out of the net less times than chief ball-boy obama - because, as an englishman, but a fairly flippant soccer fan, i deeply resent obaman-cia interference in the political process of the country where i have washed up. spark up's prediction? that the special relationship and bp have suffered a fatal farcical stroke of rotten luck.

22 comments:

derrick clapton said...

don't know about the oil business, but seems like one whole heap of innocent jamaicans been blown away because dudus 'as scored more points than obama's sheriff in kingston.

spark up said...

20:37

yes, derrick, and i can't help feeling it's no coincidence that gang-members, or more likely just ordinary black street-kids, are now being rounded-up wholesale here in london too...

diane double dollop rabbut said...

20:45

hi spark up, it's diane ur local ms fixit calling, if u feel appy wit the service wot i have provided u wit, pleez spread da messyge aroun hun coz i got a leadership election cummin up, an there's a free tittywank init for 4 u 2. ave a nice day darlin.

urs

dda

diane double dollop said...

sorry hun, forgot to add the xxxxxxxxxxxxs, if that's too many u can pass thru an put one in my box anyday.

dd xxx

diane dubble dollop said...

dis as bin a public service pronouncement on bearf of diane double dollop: grand misstress of customer satisfaction.

ps: does my arse look big in this constitchwenzy?

lady di dub dob rabbut said...

yeah man, catch u laters. got 2 get art n abart in ackney n elp bazza obama lick all dem big 'ead j.a. drug dealer dem.

bazza oburna (spliff-finder-in-chief) said...

yeah hi spark up, i'm really on the motherfuckin pot with this dudus. he gone put some bad crack in my administration.

prezza oburna said...

oh yeah spark up. btw, diane dd does a great job don't she?

the milky bar kid said...

20:52

the display in the labour leadership election is one completely dominated by president obama's ladies-and-gentlemen in waiting. they'll all do the president's bidding and will not undermine his wars in the middle east and elsewhere. diane abbott told paxman on newsnight that she would fall in line with obama's planned withdrawal from afghanistan, which could, of course, be anytime between now and when the middle eastern oil fields dry up - she would also presumably fall in step with any invasions obama has planned for pakistan, iran etc. there's no real old labour anti-war candidates - the men are all mars bar kids, and diane abbott is naturally a callebaut socialist. then we've got david lammy, yet another of obama's pretty boys to look forward to in the forthcoming london-mayoral elections - queuing to join cameron, clegg, boris johnson and whichever pretty boy or girl slides into the labour leadership slot - and like diane abbott, oona king's in there to make it look good (and sexually diverse).

desperate dave lammy said...

21:47

yes luvvies, i'm free! boris tells me he's gonna go for the conservative party leadership next time around coz that twat cameron's got no chance of winning an election. it's all musical chairs! init all wunderfoule?!!

thick as thieves said...

I LIKE TO EAT DA POO POO

jocelyn jack esien said...

god, i wish i could do dialects as well as you thick, darling, but you won't help me.

bazza obramah said...

20:37

what you talking about guy, the motherfucker's scored more points than me.

spark up said...

someone on another blog has accused me of having an 'agenda'. i have: breathing, eating, shitting and getting shagged occasionally - but i'm currently concentrating on the breathing bit.

the people's electoral reform party said...

00:48

might not be long before you can type 'president' into google and 'dudus' comes above 'obama' on the drop down suggestions menu.

michelle mopslop said...

oh shit, i've married the man who had the biggest wet dream in history.

richard tittlejohn said...

03:00

oh brother, you couldn't make it up

just like that (democratic drainpumps - kabul sub-branch) said...

and now for my next trick...i will fix this broken pipe...with democracy...

just like i did in afghanistan

tommy scooperscam said...

fuck me, kim woodburn's gonna give us both a bollocking for this one

how clean is your oil-spill? said...

i think the president's praying for a hurricane to blow this nasty filthy mess off the headlines...isn't that right dear?

katie kwik-fit said...

blimy, the wall-to-wall sheepskinsa white-off.

transracial aylesbury duck said...

i'm sorry spark up old chum, but i think you've got this one arse-about-tit - rumours are now flooding the net that the deepwater horizon incident was, in fact, a deliberate act of sabotage by none other than greenpeace, whose manically misguided aim was apparently to assist president obama in refloating his submerging climate-change legislation.