Tuesday, 1 May 2012

london mayoral election special: bs says "vote boris for a new weird odour!"



this is a partially political broadcast by bs, on behalf of bs.


21 comments:

baron sackarine said...

ah, didn't i do well? now then, you see...at the time when i grew up in hackney, the streets were tough...you trod a fine line between going straight and careering off the tracks altogether - realistically speaking, you could aspire to become one of two things...either a cult idol of the psychedelic rock scene with hit singles coming out your jacksie...or a miserable old cunt knocking dodgy hi-fis out the back of a dirty yellow ford transit...but unfortunately, mummy wouldn't have mascara, glitter or long frizzy hair-dos in the house, so that put the kibosh on my glam-rock career...and so i was left with no other option but graft my way into the lower ranks of the new weird odour, where my newly amassed pile and cheap-metallic-silver life-membership afforded me the opportunity to mingle with my new messianic mates - boris johnson, dave cameron and barack obama; it was all a great shame, really...because, before fate forced me to abandon my artistical ambitions, i'd formed a ground-breaking band called brontosaurus-vex with a geezer who lived up stoke newington, on the common...obviously when mummy intervened, everything went bloody pear-shaped (or was that flare-shaped hahaha) and the guy ran off with all my songs and stuff, substituted new lyrics, tinkered around with the group's name a bit, and became an overnight pop-sensation...not-to-mention buried-alive in spaced-out hippie-birds who didn't wear no bras...maybe i would 'ave done better with that micky goldfield guy i met down the west end once...but to tell you the god's honest truth, he didnt have a bloody clue which direction contemporary music was heading in...mmm...i wonder what happened to him? in fact, it still irks me today that i never received proper compensation nor due credit for my integral musical contributions to the string of hit-albums which were later released...after all, it was my arrangements, compositions, wacky impros for rhythm guitar and compulsive funky bass-lines which forged the trademark sound of band, and ultimately (without being too big-headed about it all), the very sound of the seventies themselves...yes, if that git hadn't mucked-about with the song titles i'd 'ave been a fading friggin' superstar by now...take, for example my hit-jingle get it off (the shelf), which was a follow-up number to get it marked-up...and then there was telegraph jam, a track inspired by a rather nice recipe for gooseberry preserve which mummy gleaned from a national newspaper (obviously she must have picked it up on the bus or something), and which was later covered by mark knobbler (the song not the jam, i mean)...and how about the seminal one-inch rock, a semi-autobiographical account of a somewhat awkward episode which occurred one dull afternoon in the communal school-showers whilst i was growing-up...and how can i leave out ride an off-white white tranny, which i believe had latent undertonic symbolism, but i forget what the hell that particular ballad was about now...still, you know what they say, if you're not too embarrassed to remember what you got-up-to in the seventies, you weren't there man...hey, enough of those wet-'n-wild teenage dreams, i've got a business to run...mmm...yes...now, if everything goes to plan, and boris gets the gig, i'll have the green-light to sell-off greater london to the yanks by the end-of-the-week, with a view to off-loading the rest of the dump for scrap-value sometime next month...ace stuff...and that means me and the bullingdon boys will be pocketing a nice tidy sum in respect of errr...transfer commission - but not half the cut what's gonna be collected by whatever-colour-cunt becomes the next incumbent of the oval orifice when he palms the lot off, lock-stock-and-barrel, on the chin...sorry, onto our chinese friends...mmm...i wonder what the japs would give me for buck palace (inclusive of sitting tenant)...?

ken vibraphone (digitally remastered for improved clarity) said...

03:09

mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the most obtuse of them all?

oh dear, what a terrible shame - a glistening career tragically cut-short by institutional and societal prejudice against those with alternative orientations...what can i say? under a labour government, the baron would have been able to access support groups convened to assist those, like himself, who are engaged in a personal struggle against such discrimination...this sad story demonstrates why we must all exercize a little understanding and tolerance and respect the private choices made by others - indeed, having recently been the target of serious harrassment with regard to my entirely lawful tax and business arrangements, i myself am only too aware of the hurt which this type of behaviour can cause.

ah yes, the 70s and 80s...i recall the battle of the micro-processing giants well...it was reminiscent of one of those classic spagetti-western shoot-outs - there was stevie "appleman" jobs ("the good"), wild willy gates ("the bad"), and errr...alan "sugar-tongue" jamstrad...

...although to be fair, jamstrad did succeed in bringing the first affordable and practical domestic computer onto the uk market - but even the staunch enemies of freedom in the nwo (nobs with obama) must then have thought it a bit of a liberty to invent a pc which could only be used as a word-processor.

ok, back to the election...yes, mistakes, i've made a few - bringing the olympics to london whilst this country is still embroiled in an immoral, racist war of adventurism, backing the metropolitan police when they avidly executed an innocent commuter on the tube, introducing flammable bendy cattle-trucks onto the bus-routes of the capital, and enforcing a congestion tax which has increased red-tape and helped cripple small business...yes, these were all serious cases of misjudgement for a veteran anti-war and civil rights campaigner like myself...but i have learnt from the error of my ways and, as my accounts prove, i am even seeking professional advice on how to kick my former meddling marxist habits...and anyhow, set beside the indescribably heinous crime against humanity committed by the current mayor, when he reduced the walk-times on pedestrian crossings with the effect that anyone over 40 years of age now stands barely an even chance of making it to the other side before being flattened by a new routemaster bus into a contempoary 2d tarmac art-installation, i consider my own unfortunate lapses of judgement to be largely negligible...absolutely appalling - and if this does not constitute prima facie evidence of a nefarious nwo plot to exterminate london's elderly and infirm, i honestly don't know what would?

...but d'you know what really? rankles with me? the fact that boris is more popular with women electors - my god, after all the vicious anti-male legislation i've given women, during my years in politics, with which to beat men over-the-head...and this is all the thanks i get? marvellous, they'd obviously rather vote for a man who 'treats his bike badly'...that definitely does smack of an insidious cia plot to influence the election in our capital...

(continued below)

ken vibraphone (digitally remastered for improved clarity) said...

00:36 (continuation)

...and no mr boris, i strongly contest the misguided notion that i am in anyway anti-american - i am a great fan of the united states and its presidential system...in fact, in due deference to both ancient american custom and the dizzy dawn of a new feminist age of reason, i firmly believe that the global achievements of all united states' presidents would, by virtue of updating and revamping a long-respected tradition, be fittingly honoured and celebrated by faithfully, yet tastefully, carving culturally conscious cameos of their first-ladies' cunts into the cliffs of mount rushmore, for the benefit of posterity...

...although, strangely enough...there has already been an alternative suggestion that united states' presidents be commemorated by erecting giant-scale sculptures of their respective nobs complete with phizogs lovingly etched into the west-pointing cock-faces...but apparently objections were raised by certain former living post-holders, who felt, with some genuine conviction, it is said, that there was a 50-50 chance of obama's nob standing noticeably higher than their own effigies - and so the whole idea came to nothing...

...but i digress.

spark up said...

03:09

in the run-up to christmas '83, i was working as a temp in the audio department of woolies plc, and i distinctly recall half the popular jamstrad midi-systems being returned with jammed drawer-turntables. what a nightmare.

baron sackarine said...

00:57

in the run-up to christmas '83, i was working as a temp in the audio department of woolies plc, and i distinctly recall half the popular jamstrad midi-systems being returned with jammed drawer-turntables. what a nightmare.

i'm not going to take the credit for that particular technical innovation - it was my mum who came up with that idea. you see, the family had a stock position in vinyl at the time, and mum figured that if our systems swallowed the punters' singles then they would have to go out and buy their favourite discs all over again. mum designed many aspects of our best-selling hi-fi models, and often used to sit in the kitchen of an evening soldering together components and assembling units in an effort to keep production up with the soaring demand...

...in fact, not many people know this...but the merciless tape-chomping twin-cassette deck was one of mum's brainwaves too...

fantastic woman, they don't make 'em like her anymore.

ken vibraphone (digitally remastered for improved clarity) said...

so as i was saying...

...of course i've made some mistakes and i've learnt from them, and i promise never to do anything silly like that again. vote for me, when anti-western revolutionaries trigger-off a tsunami in the north sea which surges down the thames estuary sweeping away the barrier before submerging half of low-lying central london including the lea valley and the olympic park...i think you'll find i'm your man...you see, with my extra height and my extended nasal range, i would obviously be in a far better position than boris to keep my chin up and make crucial decisions.

boris blunderbus said...

00:48

you can shut up now ken you're doing my fucking head-in.

mrs mission obama said...

3 May 2012 00:48

so...now then...let's get this straight then...ken...

would that be with missile loaded or...un-loaded?

ken vibraphone said...

nyou cann tell when i'mmm gettingg exzzzited cozzz myy nnoze startz to buzzzz...

01:01

did i tell you howww much i adorrrre americann womenn with innndepennndennnt capabiliteazzze?

boris blunderbus said...

you know...when they reported that the drug-induced coma commonly-known-as hackney had recorded a 100per cent voter-turnout, i started to get that funny little flagging feeling it might not be my day...

three cheers for ken livingstone (almost three times a loud mayor of london) and his newt said...

4 May 2012 01:14

more rhyming bollocks from ken, who, to be fair, knocked them out beginning the process of dragging london into the 21st century - yet boris seems to have netted all the credit. ken was put on the defensive from the campaign's outset by accusations about his tax-affairs, an unfortunate turn of events, because one would not readily place ken in the class of dodgy-dealer - he's hardly a galloway, or a sugar, with his fingers in lots of business pies, he only sticks his fingers in political pies, if he hasn't put his feet in them first. ken was also wrong-footed by boris's proposed cut in council tax - at a time of recession, this policy appealed to london's small businessmen in a way that ken's socialism could never hope to; the business community must not be ignored, as business is london's business. nevertheless, ken has made boris sweat right down to the wire for a job he doesn't really want, and boris looked emotionally and physically exhausted, bruised by the fact that a large proportion of londoners do not support him, but instead voted for an unguided old marxist - it will be interesting to see how the conservatives unpickle their general election strategy, should cameron prove to be too much of a twat for backbench comfort.

ken did his best, yet ultimately the cia could never have allowed into the mayoral office a man, who, after the assassination of osama bin laden, likened president obama's actions to those of 'a gangster'...and thus we now have arselickers in power who could, at the time, only find it in their corrupted hearts to criticize ken livingstone's outburst in terms of the deleterious affect it could have on the capital's business, whilst completely omitting to discuss the assassination in moral terms. the united states administration currently deem it in their imperious remit to warn independent anonymous bloggers, based in london, against criticizing american politicians and policies - so there's not a holy chance in hell they'd ever allow a staunch opponent critic of american foreign policy, such as ken livingstone, to take the most powerful directly-elected government position in the whole of the united kingdom; perhaps ken should have stood on an anti-war ticket, and bugger local politics (like only he knew how).

boris de blunderbus said...

03:47

yes, thank you ken - i'm now left with the immensely exiting and rewarding prospect of four years' finding ways to cut council tax. i think the first thing i'll scrap is the free bus pass for pensioners.

dr strung said...

6 May 2012 03:47

yes, it's almost inconceivable, isn't it, that the labour party wouldn't allow ken livingstone to run on an anti-war-platform when this may have unseated boombastic boris? not only did the labour party not give ken its full-backing, it stitched him up - yet who else did it have available with the political stature to go up against the conservative big-gun?

the weasely labour support for ken indicates:-

a) the gravity of the labour cabinet's unresolved collective guilt-complex deriving from its members' support for recent wars.

b) the extent to which the labour party hierarchy has been infiltrated by the cia just as has been the conservative party.

when israel attacks iran, the air-strikes will be cheered on not only by johnson, cameron, osborne, clegg and their liberally conservative coalition, but also by most of the labour shadow cabinet - although obviously ed will be under strict instructions from his big brother to sit on his hands (his own i mean).

david the jackdaw said...

01:39

i get it...

old ma cleanspeak said...

8 May 2012 01:43

we don't want to hear unduly elaborate details of your nocturnal adventures with a stick-insect dipped-to-the-waist in butterscotch thank you david.

ken vibraphone said...

don't worry, iii've got it all under-control - i'm training my force of ninja newts to carry out an amphibilious azzault on zity-hall with the ultimate objective of laying zpawn in boris's exprezzzo.

dr strung said...

8 May 2012 01:39

of course, the united states administration will also be mucking-in - benefiting its friends with its vast experience of cheerleading.

self-harm versus self-harmonization said...

8 May 2012 01:39

...beats me why the issue of british and american immoral foreign policy was not raised as a topic for debate prior to the mayoral election - after all, london's surely bound to be a target for retaliatory anti-western strikes, if the british and americans continue their current strategy of proxy pillage and slaughter in africa, combined with outright desecration and destruction in the middle east? it's our capital which will be bequested the fall-out and, as usual, we the public will be the fall-guys.

clegg caramel said...

8 May 2012 01:50

are you quite sure about that, old ma...? you see, in the name of equal opportunities, dave let me lick one leg clean (the left) - and i could swear it tasted of fudge?

cordon ramsarse (true blue cuisine) said...

21:14

personally, i'd do her in satay sauce...

...mmm...fuck me that sounds yummy.

andy hooligan said...

8 May 2012 01:43

...you know i'm really pissed my old boss is getting it in the neck again today...

look, he rode some old nag, he owned up to what he'd done, and no harm's been done to anyone - i can't see what all the bother's about myself?