Tuesday 20 October 2015

loud-mouth labour-lasses locked in deadly dogma-fight for feminist supremacy


"mirror, mirror, on the wall,
who is the most feminist of them all...?"

...probably not a political question which dirty corby asks himself on a very regular basis, but one, nonetheless, which is currently causing raucous ruptions amongst his left-over-ranks in parliament...

...and so as professional investigative duty dictates, spark up! duly caught up with the fem-fracas-fraught labour-leader earlier this week, whilst he was chillin' in his favourite, threadbare allotment-shed-armchair, and gently groovin' to the latest pussy riot album as it blared-out rebelliously from his funky, vintage-silver 70s-ghetto-blaster, all between getting stuck into the serious commons-business of laboriously stringing-up this year's bumper-crop of turda red-onions.

now, as i tentatively took up my perch on a dusty wooden-crate ominously labelled "trojan powder co - dynamite" - which our rebel-without-a-clause calmly assured me was simply an empty relic of the epic 1980s struggle against the mad ironing-lady of dulwich - and was cordially invited by the presently prodigal privy-councillor to join him in an ice-cold glass of dandelion-'n-burdock, i was sorely tempted to enquire as to the precise horticultural classification of the strangely pungent greens that he was quite openly curing along with other assorted veg, but then judged, after a brief moment's consideration, that discretion might perhaps prove to be the better part of gutter-journalism.

sure, i could 'hang' for half-an-hour, the demo-happy chief-gardener indicated generously, but he just had to get back to the ranch in good time to snuggle-up on the sofa with the sizzling socially-conscious señorita for the latest nerve-jingling episode of cult us spy-thriller, homeland - a series which he agreed did, in all honesty, cast afghan, pakistani, and lebanese muslims in a poor socio-political light, yet, in doing so, also successfully achieved the pithy, parodic portrayal of cia-agents as a nefarious bunch of neurotic, bungling nitwits.

"so you're after a ringside seat for the democratic duel-to-the-death between lady laaardidah and freshwoman, juicy biceps mp?"

guessed dirty corby correctly...

"yeah"

continued corby,

"we're going to settle this furious femino-feud in the only fair way possible: the old-fashioned socialist way.  i've got a vatful of pink-jelly at home - which i concocted the other month for a constituency children's party, but which allegedly didn't go down too well - and an inflatable domestic paddling-pool...
...and well, basically, to cut through the silly saga of official party-committee disciplinary procedure, i was intending to set the pool up in my backyard, fill it with pink-gunge, and give the two combatants a decent opportunity of gaining traditional civil satisfaction, stripped-down to micro-bikinis, in a no-holds-barred jelly-wrestling match - however, by popular demand, and for reasons of ideological transparency, the bout is now due to be relocated to the green in parliament square - winner takes the job of being my personal bodyguard and champion.
now, i appreciate that the idea of letting a strapping-great brummie prop-forward manically press the face of a defenceless little-old afro-caribbean pensioner into the hallowed turf...may sound rather politically incorrect...but on the other hand, such an eventuality could potentially bring the party unforeseen dividends, if indeed it prevents her laaardidah-ship from putting her own foot in her own notoriously big trap, for even a limited period of time...
...and anyway, regardless of the jelly-contest's result, i strongly believe in the importance of promoting new, grassroots talent by providing our incoming house of commons members with plenty of sparring-practice; in fact, i'm confident that, given appropriate guidance, ms juicy biceps mp will soon rise to become a valuable weapon in our shadow-government's armoury, if we can only manage to point her in the right direction...
...moreover, i predict that with the sheer self-destructive gob-power she has already displayed since entering parliament - by fearlessly taking on george gabaway and lady laardidah during her first few months in the job - she will surely, in time, make a most effective leader of the opposition, and could even bust the door down to number ten.
nevertheless, despite ms biceps mp not initially striking me as a slick cia-trained sabotage-act, we will still have to take her quietly aside in order to explain:
  • that from its outset, the civil-uprising which led to the syrian civil-war was deliberately incited by mi6 and the cia...
  • that from its outset, the military opposition to president assad's syrian army was backed by mi6 and the cia, intelligence agencies which subsequently facilitated the help of handy, imported al qaeda insurgents and supplied arms, secretly smuggled into syria via turkey from libya - where coincidentally, mi6 and the cia also insidiously incited an uprising hopeless in internal national terms...
  • that western military intervention in syria is a foolproof recipe for wicked world-war with russia, and maybe china too...
  • that dropping bombs on syria, for humanitarian reasons, will doubtless do about as much bloody good as did demolishing libya, for humanitarian reasons...
  • that western bombs and boots on muslim-ground are the prime-factors driving recruitment to isis and al qaeda...
  • and that, degraded by constant abuse to a fake political excuse, any british government call for military intervention 'to protect civilians' nowadays amounts to no more than a cheap, insincere propaganda-trick employed by disingenuous, warmongering, western intelligence agencies whose most fervent evangelical desire is to convert dozy, weak-minded, western liberals into pseudo-humanitarian, neo-colonial, genocide-cheering, resource-grabbing, fascist-apologist thugs.
really though, i do sincerely hope that ms juicy biceps mp and lady laaardidah can soon settle their ideological differences, because at the moment, whenever i hear a beer-fuelled fight going on in the bars and restaurants of westminster, it's always these two louder-than-life ladies who seem to be in the thick of it, literally at each other's throats - so much so that i'm actually beginning to wonder whether they're each squabbling over my irresistible personal affections, god-help-me - but to be honest, i don't take all these hysterical spats to heart, myself, and find it helps to think of ms biceps as a younger, female version of the great, fat, new-labour slob, lord presscock - since the pair of them, along with the married mother-of-two's van, both look like they've been in a few prangs...
could i imagine appointing both these lady mps to the shadow-cabinet concurrently?  oh, i dunno: could i imagine two utterly unguided cruise-missiles continually flying 'round our labour committee-room at the same time?  jesus knows, they could cancel each other out, i suppose...but alternatively, they could both wreak total effing exponential havoc, self-detonate, and annihilate the bleeding lot of us."

accordingly, having given dirty corby the chance to clear the billowing clouds of hot-carbon-dioxide which had been produced by all these environmentally unfriendly left-wing-family arguments, we at spark up! considered it only proper to contact ms juicy biceps for her own side of the story, which she duly expressed over the telephone in the following, forthright terms:

"oh no, it's not that i don't want to see a batty old black woman in the shadow-cabinet or anything...but i just want a greater number of real, indignant white-van-women represented in the upper échelons of our party hierarchy, you know...and perhaps...just for example, of course...not quite so many toffee-nosed cambridge publicity-tarts whose radical chocko-centric ideologies generally ensure that they spend the whole fuckin' day obsessively planning their next bloody black-forest gâteau gross-out...
no, i absolutely do not have an abandoned transit-van, missing its wheels, jacked-up on bricks outside my house...i refute that disgraceful allegation totally...the truth is that, every morning, i roll the wheels out from my porch, bolt them on, kick out the bricks, and away i go...it's a bit of a rough neighbourhood, that's all...
ok, yes...i admit that, strictly-speaking, my van is not actually white...it's more a nifty shade of grey now...cuz you see, i've been far too busy, these last couple of years, engaged in pressing affairs of state...such as getting fuckin' pot-holes filled in...to give it a proper wash, loik...
take on laaardidah?  sure...i don't know what poofy kind of car she drives about in...if she can drive, that is...but i challenge the boring old biddy to a burn-up 'round parliament square any fuckin' day..."

naturally, in the name of authentic reporting, spark up! attempted to establish the complete veracity of claims, which we understand have been circulating in yardley, to the strength that ms juicy biceps knocks out 200 men a day...but tragically, the sports correspondent whom we sent to cover this unusual story is now recovering in the birmingham hardlandings hospital from a sudden, and medically inexplicable, black-out...however, during a later conversation with ms biceps' husband, tom, we ascertained that, if this rumour were indeed true, then it would presumably transpire that at least 150 out of the 200 men previously stated were in fact himself...

how wonderful for ms biceps to be blessed with such a supportive, and humourous, partner...

finally, in order to tie-up one last loose-end, we at spark up! decided to identify the local secondary school attended by ms juicy biceps, and although we certainly did not conjecture that this would be exactly the most genteel of institutions, we were, to be fair, rather surprised to be referred around the corner to the sticks 'n stones pool-hall at the bottom of hustler road...where regulars apparently confirmed that their incumbent member of parliament had achieved a full-record - learning how to handle a cue to the maximum effect, whilst mastering the ancient midland art of krack-wun-doh, together with associated advanced stick-and-ball techniques of the more exotic kind.


16 comments:

campaign for the nationalization of ganja said...

the man from nupe...

...he say yeeeeeeesssssss

the whine-taster said...

new-labour-leaning jess phillips is a hectoring, lecturing, self-obsessed, self-righteous, self-publicizing, 'humanitarian' bully exuding an unexotic mixed-fruity odour wafting with highly-unpalatable sexist, racist, and crypto-fascistic overtones all blended unsophisticatedly together with unsubtle, nannying hints of unreconstructed school-ma'amism, who would gladly send our children to fight her and her pro-grease-cia-mates' neo-colonial oil-wars.

she doth protest too much about being an ultra-working-class socialist from an ultra-working-class socialist family-background in birmingham, methinks, and to such an extent, indeed, that one truly wonders whether ms phillips is hiding a deep, dark, shameful, petit-bourgeois secret in her politically-repressed conservative closet...?

go on, let yer inner jolly-hockey-stick hang out for all to see, jessica, if that's what floats yer varsity rowing-boat...?

...and be a good sport, like every other member of parliament, and let us know which secondary school you attended...

...or is that sort of information strictly classified?

other questions one might care to ask:

do real working-class girls do gîtes in the dordogne?

is ms phillips in any way remunerated for writing for the huffington post web of cia-imperialist propaganda and bullshit?

why does ms phillips write and talk about herself so bloody much, instead of politics? is she desperate to be loved?

is jess phillips simply meg hillier regurgitated?

if 'militant' was banned by the labour party, why not 'progress'? said...

the deadly-serious reason for the latest party-tiff between labour mp, diane abbott, and her equally blundering nemesis, new-entrant labour mp, jess phillips, is phillip's apparent support for, or at least unspoken defence of, the recent letter to the observer newspaper, co-signed by new-entrant labour mp, jo cox, and conservative mp, andrew mitchell, which proposed the creation, by non-united-nations-approved british military intervention, of 'safe-havens' for civilians in syria.

moreover, labour mp, john woodcock, self-admitted depression-sufferer and chairman of new-labour pressure-group progress - to which jo cox and jess phillips are similarly affiliated - has apparently also revealed his hand in the mitchell-letter-affair, by vigorously defending cox's position on syria against sharp criticism from abbott.

by rights, andrew mitchell should not be free to fart within 100 miles of parliament, let alone sit as a member - due to the illegal aid payment he made to the rwandan government on 4th september 2012, his last day in office as international development secretary - and therefore jo cox, is displaying extreme professional naïvety in choosing to have any dealings at all with this rogue-trader, who wilfully supported a régime previously identified in a united nations security council interim report, dated 26th june 2012, as having supplied, contrary to united nations security council resolution 1807, guns, money, and recruits to the m23 rebel-group, shown by the final unsc report, on 12 november 2012, to have profited from the smuggling of conflict minerals.

millions of civilians have been slaughtered in congo as a direct result of cia-funded mineral-wars, just as millions of africans were once slaughtered in inter-tribal warfare as a direct result of europeans arming west-african kingdoms in return for slaves - so the weapons, formerly supplied to african-leaders in exchange for human-resources, are now being supplied to african-leaders in exchange for mineral-resources; perhaps if we overcome the taboo of talking about the method by which european profiteers organized and incentivized african-on-african slave-trading, then we might also overcome our inability to expose the method by which western intelligence agencies, such as the cia, finance, manipulate and profit from african-on-african mineral-wars.

progress is a cia-outfit effectively set up by peter mandelson on behalf of tony blair, and it is therefore not-in-the-slightest surprising to discover that andrew mitchell - clearly an established operative of the cia-controlled sub-branch, mi6 - has developed close connections with labour associates of the progress organization.

progress must be investigated for its part in the promotion and precipitation of criminal mineral-wars and genocide, and progress-members, found to be implicated in the facilitation of these war-crimes, must be prosecuted.

finally, following recent drug-scandal-revelations involving ex-deputy-liverpool-mayor and member of the progress strategy-board, paul brant - who has nonetheless since returned to local politics as a liverpool-city-councillor - is one not honestly entitled to wonder whether all progress-members stick coke up their nostrils as a matter of conservative political habit?

eier education said...

@ the whine-taster

"new-labour-leaning jess phillips is a hectoring, lecturing, self-obsessed, self-righteous, self-publicizing, 'humanitarian' bully exuding an unexotic mixed-fruity odour wafting with highly-unpalatable sexist, racist, and crypto-fascistic overtones all blended unsophisticatedly together with unsubtle, nannying hints of unreconstructed school-ma'amism..."

"she doth protest too much about being an ultra-working-class socialist from an ultra-working-class socialist family-background in birmingham, methinks, and to such an extent, indeed, that one truly wonders whether ms phillips is hiding a deep, dark, shameful, petit-bourgeois secret in her politically-repressed conservative closet...?"

@if 'militant' was banned by the labour party, why not 'progress'?

"the latest party-tiff between labour mp, diane abbott, and her equally blundering nemesis, new-entrant labour mp, jess phillips"

is this young madam trying to teach her granny to suck err...'eggs'?

dame diana double-dollop said...

i should hope not...

...after all, i'm globally renowned for sucking obama's.

careless whispers said...

during socially enforced small-talk whilst waiting for president "study common-dick up-close" to sell them a bio-degradable nuclear reactor, supreme labour-leader, jerry gauche-gob, is alleged by the daily smell to have told public enema number two, david "the gerbil":

"it's difficult because that's his ex-wife who is apparently an ex-prostitute..."

of course, there's now wild media-speculation igniting as to whom our top loose-cannon, "dirty" corby, was actually referring...

...but following deep eroto-communal research into the ins-and-outs of the chinese cultural revolution, spark up! can today exclusively reveal that britain's dodgiest history professor was, in fact, making an off-the-scruff remark about mrs "pain in high places", otherwise known as "blue raspberry", otherwise known as "cruddy waters", otherwise known as madam "meow", who was fourth wife of the "hairy do-gooder from the eastern water-margin" - more famous as fumbling father of the people's repugnant china - and who on the rare occasions when her diverse, feuding personalities contrived to congregate in the same room, at the same time, was known by the collective handle "the gang of four"...

...except professor "dirty" corby committed an awful, biographical faux-pas, by all accounts, because it was, in reality, it transpires, madam "clouds in the cranium's" mother who was the lady of pleasure, and not the former, great president's wife herself...

...ooops, well in the event, comrade corby valued his wrinkly old conkers too dearly, and therefore denied discussing the subject of sex-workers totally, and obviously dave "the dachshund" cameron could dare to divulge the truth-of-the-matter either, for fear of losing his exorbitantly coiffured little head to the business edge of a cheesed-off chinese warrior's sword...

...and so meanwhile, to keep the inquisitive mind of president "practice getting intimate with ordinary guys" occupied and safely away from the more precipitous stories spewing from the national press, he was delighted to be whisked, by his somewhat red-faced and sheepish official hosts, on a guided tour of the uk's national health-service, in which, by good fortune, he had already expressed a keen prior interest, owing to reports he had received that the aforementioned great british institution routinely killed more people than the chinese army...

...indeed, the imperious foreign visitor was impressed with our manky, country-wide medical-facility, and its dangerously elevated death-to-doc rate, to such an extraordinary degree, that he bought the lot, on the spot, doc, drug-stock and stinking bed-pan...

...and everyone lived happily ever after.

bob barleywhine said...

@if 'militant' was banned by the labour party, why not 'progress'?

so these labour guys they all blew conservatives, man...?

the ethico-intellectual dismantling of a fork-tongued public-school fucker said...

@if 'militant' was banned by the labour party, why not 'progress'?

during the last couple of weeks, andrew mitchell has cynically placed articles, in the guardian and telegraph newspapers, which propose military intervention in syria based upon the premise that western nations should have intervened militarily in rwanda - mitchell's favourite, sub-saharan sexual-playground - in order to prevent the 1994 genocide in that nation.

unfortunately, as andrew mitchell should well be aware - he being a key-cia-facilitator - the rwandan genocide, we are now reliably informed, was caused, and largely perpetrated by, a successful cia-backed rwandan patriotic front armed insurgency, prepared and supported by the ugandan government, which is widely recognized as a long-time cia-puppet-régime of the united states.

given that the cia has been covertly instrumental in igniting both the syrian and former rwandan civil-wars, i submit that it is, therefore, deeply disingenuous of andrew mitchell to suggest that we in the west should now step into syria with soldiers, accompanied by all-destructive air-strikes, in order to protect civilians both from a conflict which our own western governments have engineered, and from saudi-backed jihadist militias which our own western intelligence-services have intentionally armed, and continue intentionally to arm, in the mischievous hope of toppling the russian-backed government of president assad.

clearly, a much more sensible approach to resolving the civil-war currently ravaging syria, and destabilizing the entire region, would be for andrew mitchell to ask his wicked cia-chums, together with their supposed masters in the american government, to stop supplying the syrian opposition with the weapons which have both engendered, and prolonged, this civil-war to such devastating effect - because, obviously, only when the west begins withdrawing financial and military support for its proxy combatants in syria, comprising mainly hardline islamist militants, will the russian government ever contemplate withdrawing support for hardline military anti-islamist dictators in that country.

the danger in trusting our so-called moderate politicians in the muddled centre-ground of british politics - such as mitchell, cameron, johnson, and blair - is that we know neither for what they really stand, nor what they are really up to.

in a depleted uranium nut-shell, our politicians must simply stop starting wars, and then insincerely attempting to end these wars again by use of insidious military intervention, which they know, for bloody sure, will ultimately only aggravate regional conflicts even further.

tony the tin-pot diplomacyst said...

@the ethico-intellectual dismantling of a fork-tongued public-school fucker

whilst i refuse to apologize for being a totally evil wanker...

...i can, in part, apologize for certain aspects of being a totally evil wanker.

ever on an earner said...

@tony the tin-pot diplomacyst

lovely, i hear that blair's been admitting he's indirectly to blame for the creation of isis...

...and slyly distracting attention from the fact that it was his criminal co-conspirators in the cia who actually armed and trained half of these guys.

blair: from world-saviour to fully paid-up cia-clown-act...

...how fucking demeaning is that?

i give you coynbee: intellectually comfy sofa for the big fat-arses of the establishment said...

today, polly coynpig, blair-apologist, new-labour-apologist, obama-apologist, typical fucking guardian champagne-fascist, and part of the imperialist bbc-license-fee-sponging furniture, professed, with a bourgeois air of supreme condescension, passed down from privileged public-schooled generation to privileged public-schooled generation, that jeremy corbyn's supporters were not the sort of people who would be capable of selecting constituency candidates for parliament...

...it's not fair, she implied, that these comprehensive-school-educated common-folk should be allowed to deselect their elders and betters in the establishment...

(even though many of our members of parliament are patently neither 'elder' nor 'better', in my opinion, than their public)

...and make an awful, untidy, working-class mess of things...

(as opposed to a bloody great neo-colonial death-shambles - the preferred option for her favoured politically elite)

personally i've but one question for coynpig:

why doesn't she fuck-the-fuck off and join the fucking tories? fucking thick snobby-old clueless conservative cow?

corbyn must have a sense of humour - how else could he be a socialist leader within a fundamentally fascist state? said...

@i give you coynbee: intellectually comfy sofa for the big fat-arses of the establishment

oh shame...and now martin amis, worthless white middle-class novelist, is at it too - having a go at corbyn for being 'humourless', 'undereducated', and 'slow-minded'.

amis and corbyn are contemporaries, who both had the opportunities in life afforded by a good education, yet corbyn proved not to be academic, whilst amis rose to the top of his oxbridge-educated class; amis is clearly gutted that, despite having ridden maliciously high on the blood-drenched, neo-colonial wave of exploitative new-labour elitism, in the public-eye, he is now a literary nobody, noncing around scholastically in an intellectual ivory back-water of immorality, whilst corbyn, who renounced the repressive, often criminally-inclined, cult of celebrity and commercialism, is reaping the hard-earned success of a lifetime's social commitment and anti-class struggle.

amis inhabits a rigged, regressive, racialized world where the most gifted and groomed rule by protected, socially-sheltered right, regardless of results, whereas corbyn is the product of a hostile, unforgiving, politically exposed environment in which to be found on the wrong side of history means instant professional obliteration of the order now awaiting blair; westminster has never been about true intelligence or excellence, it is about understanding or 'reading' real people and the actual society in which they live - why else would the most talented and brilliant members of the current parliament, such as yvette cooper, david lammy, liz kendall, chuka umunna, and sadiq khan today be scuffling around on the sidelines making the tea for corbyn's kitchen-sink cabinet of common-sense?

amis cannot 'read' his fellow-man, he is the sort of arrogant, privileged and pampered toff who comes to live in hackney, expecting to take-over, and take-control, as a matter of personal public-schooled entitlement.

amis is a man who hates the world and all who exist in it, whilst corbyn is a man happy in his allotment, who enjoys the fruits of his labour.

politicians are, by definition, expected to be 'humourless' - they are serious-minded people by profession - but for a supposedly acclaimed writer to lack humour, as in amis' case, is sinful.

i was once given the novel 'lucky jim', written by amis' father, kingsley amis, and found what little i read of it to be so sterile and emotionally desolate that i never bothered opening another, either by him, or his old-school-establishment, unreconstructed bigot of a son.

if you support corbyn, you may one day feel disappointed should he not bring the change which his leadership promises, but if you buy one of amis' books, you will definitely feel cheated from the moment you read the first line.

robbin'-scum crook's-hoe on treasury island said...

shit, the lords have stuffed odborne's tax-credit bill right up his arse.

constitutional crisis?

more like constipational crisis...

...looks like the chancellor of the ex-tweaker's gonna have to start twerking.

extremely civil disobedience said...

@robbin'-scum crook's-hoe on treasury island

if the unelected crooks in the house of lords have usurped the sacred democratic power of our rightfully elected crooks in the house of commons, and there has been absolutely no public-outcry or civil-uprising...

...should not a general election therefore be called?

leader of the pack (by royal appointment) said...

@extremely civil disobedience

well, if the lords are going to do away with parliamentary convention...

...why should not one follow their lordships' unconstitutional example?

one shall, forthwith, invoke one's historical and divine right to replace all thou corrupt, snivelling, self-serving cunts in the commons and upper chamber (who frankly just turn up to get pissed out orrv thine stupid fucking faces) with a crown-consort of well-house-trained corgis.

woof woof

the vulture-culture said...

constitution? that's a laugh...

this country has never had a proper constitution - we just make it up as we go along...

we made it up during the reign of king charles i...

...and i'm confident we'll continue making it up today when dealing with this current criminal crop of arrogant, greedy, entitlement-addicted elitists trying to ponce off the nation.