spark up! exclusive: revolutionary intellectual bonnie princess greer claims mozart was muslim suicide-bomber

in a highly controversial outburst, bonnie greer (recently awarded the order of the british empire in recognition of her piss useless attacks on the establishment) has revealed that the celebrated composer, wolfgang amadeus mozart, was in fact a radical islamic jihadist who came to a blinding crescendo then blew himself up - a remarkable new finding which turns on its afro the hitherto accepted body of historical scholarship, carried out by literally scores of eminent musicologists, that has always indicated the manic maestro to have been, in all probability, either the initiate of a traditional polytheistic niger-congo religion whose followers hold sacred the ewe dual-deity, mawu-lisa, or, alternatively, a worshipper of the androgynous god, vonda, revered by the fon people of benin, and, notwithstanding the exact nature of his religious beliefs, to have been simply the innocuous victim of a rather stubborn common cold.

tragically, however, and wholly irrespective of the true circumstances pertaining to the wonderful wolfgang's untimely demise, it must be stressed that an audience with ms greer is closely akin to the childhood experience of being taken by one's educatively over-stimulated parents to visit the grassfield site of the ancient battle of woodstock, only to meet with the profound disappointment of discovering the complete absence of any busty britannic babes bathing bare-assed in the lake, not-to-mention a distinct lack of hippies wandering 'round sporting a spear lodged in one eye-socket - for the good battleship bonnie, i'm afraid to say, has gracefully retired from political activism to knit woolly-worded tea-cosies custom-designed to keep the chilly winter-draughts out of babylon, her feminist views but out-of-fashion-accessories left shunned and moth-balled in the closet, her faux exibition-outrage over the senselessly-slaughtered guts of innocent afghan families serving as little more than morally-perished knicker-elastic. now how can one support president obama without supporting the clear and present policies of neo-colonial suppression which, in countries such as afghanistan, and pakistan, the selfsame gentleman justifies in the name of self-defence? well err...umm...by the skilled employment of nuancing, according to the highly-articulated bonnie greer - who would presumably also have used nuancing to effect a resounding vote-of-confidence in the chancellorship of adolf hitler, with the exception obviously of those terribly embarrassing occasions when he would just insist on siegheiling and goose-stepping, ad nauseum. although, to be fair to bonnie, let's not forget: herr hitler did wear that awfully nice uniform in a most attractive shade of brown...

...and whilst we're on the delicate subject of the existential anguish provoked by championing the cause of a problem, yet meantime performing bi-polar gymnastics to condemn the effect...may i mention, by-the-by, that forking out half-a-million pounds of tax-payers' dosh...on a propaganda-painting which illustrates what jolly nice people we british really were despite simultaneously being slave-traders...is pure and utter bollocks...and in no way conducive to the promotion of national mental health.

oh please, please...bring back our old bonnie who, at the least excuse for a protest, would have been champing to strip-off starkers and superglue her tongue irretrievably up david dimbleby's arsehole.

boris de bastard vows to ornament the perimeter of parliament square with a filigree lattice of anti-renaissance razor-wire-sculpture

following a judicial ruling to bulldoze democracy village from the face of parliament square (and a swiftly conducted opinion-poll), sheriff of london, boris johnson, has stood by his convictions and given his word, as a complete and utter bastard, to restore westminster's own emerald isle to its former glory and its former freeholder, her majesty the queen of england and other places. david "the dachshund" cameron has chipped-in and pledged a battalion of one thousand ground-troops, armoured-assault-vehicles, plus air-support (including the latest high-spec apache helicopters), to drive the soviet-backed crypto-crusty insurgency from the capital's beleaguered public camp-site. in a brief interview with spark up!, bad boris complained that, thus far, the protest had cost the tax-payer over £250k in court and clean-up costs - money, he said, which would have been far better spent blowing the little arms and legs off afghan children, with astronomically expensive american cluster-bombs.

spark up! continues to defend the right of all-comers to play cricket, according to fair rules, upon the green of parliament square - but i feel it my patriotic duty to point out that, although the place does now rather appear to have been degraded to a pétanque patch by the revolting revolutionaries, we obviously cannot have any fancy fromage-fumed frenchies fannying around with fanatically-polished cannon-balls on our sacred-site, can we?

spark up! exclusive: cameron to ban wearing of trousers at half-mast

i supppose this could be the conservative party's fox-hunting moment

western intervention in somalia causes carnage across africa

the above headline may not be strictly true today, but continued american and british interference in somalian politics could lead to a contagious continental civil-war spreading 'across africa' tomorrow - it would inevitably develop between followers of the two main proxy-religions to which africans have been exposed, islam and christianity.

when, in 2006, the united states and the united kingdom decided to employ their diplomatic muscle, their intelligence services, and armed forces, to destabilize and disintegrate the moderate and popularly accepted somalian umbrella party, the islamic courts union (at a time when somalians were emerging from years of destructive civil war and were firmly set on making peace amongst themselves), our malicious american and british governments also cynically enlisted (via the united nations) the support of western-puppeteered dictators such as president museveni in uganda. now kampala has been attacked -and our slaughter-happy manipulative leaders have achieved the result they always desired - a somalia plunged back into the eternal abyss of catastrophic internal conflict, the mutilated corpses of murdered ugandan civilians splattered right across the world's television screens (although not, of course, the bodies of the many thousand somalian dead), and a grotesquely manufactured excuse to invade a muslim country previously disinterested in islamic extremism, where there pre-existed no so-called 'al qaeda' elements with any credible independent local powerbase. al-shabaab, the splinter-group which has claimed responsibility for the ugandan bombings, has only been pushed to the fore since 2006, when western-backed forces intervened in somalia. the terrorists-of-the-moment, whose dipping hands are indelibly dyed with the blood of these unsuspecting ugandan football-fans, are known as david cameron and barack obama, and they intend to use somalia as yet another launch-pad to effect total war against iran and the wider middle-east - for the sake of innocent men, women and children in both the middle-east, and africa, and here at home in the capitals of our western moral-wilderness, we simply cannot allow such an outrageous plan to accumulate endorsement.

spark up! fully backs the campaign to occupy parliament square until these genocidal wars are abandoned. the wars perpetrated and precipitated by american and european powers in the middle east, africa, and in many other corners of the globe, are a gross and horrendous abuse of the united nations' legislature and international law - these immoral wars aim to annihilate all basic human rights and aspirations of common decency. this is not democracy, and this is certainly not cricket. spark up! defends the right of all-comers to play cricket, according to fair rules, upon the green of parliament square - until such time as our governments cease to indulge in the murderous enslaving pursuits of protectionism, interventionism, and exploitation across the face of god's earth. amen.

spark up! artspy exclusive: punch-up in paradise

stop press:

after extensive undercover investigation spark up! is now in a position to reveal that a certain london-born comedienne (whose precise identity i cannot possibly reveal for reasons of personal security and sanity) has infiltrated her troupe of halfwit actors (plus production crew) into the notorious peace-cramp in parliament square. desperate for a hit series, miss x is currently attempting to shoot scenes of a somewhat salacious nature right beneath the noses of our ruling arses.

each episode will apparently culminate carry on-cum-rab c nesbit-cum-asterix-style in a barbaric brawl between rival peacenik factions.

one leitmotiv of the show will be a continuous game of cricket played rain-or-shine between teams of protesters representing opposite ends of the political spectrum. the match will, i am told, be constantly interrupted by umpire plod, who will be constantly inspecting the pitch for evidence of vandalism, and will feature (following her recent resoundingly successful, nay mould-breaking, portrayal of a batty eastender, in the soap-operetta eastenders) the widely acclaimed and multi-talented actress tameka empson, who will perform a cameo-rôle as stump. indeed, spark up! managed to snatch a short interview with the effusive miss empson, who excitedly let slip that she "couldn't wait to be banged in the hallowed-turf right in the middle of the green".

with a bit of luck they'll all get thrown in the slammer and the streets of london will be a safer place for us all...

...basically because the government bully-boys will have shot themselves straight in the fucking foot - leaving the anti-war movement to score a huge publicity coup.

we just can't have our national treasures treated in this way, now can we? i think even the ministry of defence knows it's onto a hiding to nothing against millions of enraged eastenders fans.

top dodge

spark up! notes, with some interest, that the only local authority to feature amongst guido fawkes' top 100 readership sources is the london borough of hackney - which appears, as a bedraggled political rose, amongst a veritable bouquet of elite intellectual and financial institutions. is the conservative paul staines rigging his traffic stats via a notoriously corrupt labour server?

the spark up! post-slag: worrying under-representation of golliwogs in national chain-store

to: trevor phillips obe (chairman - equality & human rights commission)

from: xxxxx xxxx (spark up!)


dear sir trevor

i today visited the build-a-bear workshop, a soft-toy retail-outlet located at covent garden north piazza, london wc2e 7qa, and, despite observing a preponderance of flamingos, bears, pandas and the like, was most concerned to note the conspicuous lack of golliwogs on sale there. as you can imagine, i felt immediately compelled to enquire about this scandalous situation and approached a bear-salesperson in order to ascertain whether the afore-mentioned establishment's policy on golliwogs was, indeed, more a case of positive selection, rather than negative omission - however, in response to the question, "do you have any golliwogs in stock?" the assistant blurted out: "i don't exactly know what a golliwog is, but if it's what i think it is, no!" well, leaving aside the deplorable state of affairs whereby, in this day and age, an employee in such a line of business can be wholly ignorant of the existence of the golliwog, nay, utterly unable to identify one, i feel duty-bound to point out that the weight of circumstancial evidence collected at the build-a-bear workshop constitutes a prima facie case of gross discrimination against the beleaguered cuddly toy formerly known-and-loved as "golly", the child's bosom bedtime-companion. moreover, i am sorry to say, i cannot build, for this company, a specious defence based upon the notion, for example, that the build-a-bear workshop only sells the teddy bear and nothing but the teddy bear - for, as i have already communicated, i distinctly remember beholding furry flamingos and pekingese pandas strutting their stuff upon the display-shelves. i am thus presented with no other option but to conclude that there is in play, purely-and-simply, a pre-meditated marketing-plan which aims to intentionally exclude the traditional afro-caribbean playmate from the shop-premises - a decision which has deliberately left the continent of africa woefully and disgracefully under-represented in the build-a-bear workshop, and which has left me flabbergasted. (a decision, incidentally, which seems all the more astonishing in light of the fact that the museum of childhood in bethnal green, london, displays the renegade minstrel as an heroic role model)

i trust, sir trevor, that you will deal with this matter expeditiously and expediently, using the full gravity of your office.

yours sincerely


xxxxx xxxx


ps:

i beg you forgive my failure to supply a full address and my employment of a pseudonym - you will appreciate that whilst conducting my undercover-operations as a crusader against racial inequality, i have found the adoption of anonymity to be essential, as this genre of work is highly perilous and can, unfortunately, provoke completely unwarranted reprisals.