spark up! artspy exclusive: punch-up in paradise

stop press:

after extensive undercover investigation spark up! is now in a position to reveal that a certain london-born comedienne (whose precise identity i cannot possibly reveal for reasons of personal security and sanity) has infiltrated her troupe of halfwit actors (plus production crew) into the notorious peace-cramp in parliament square. desperate for a hit series, miss x is currently attempting to shoot scenes of a somewhat salacious nature right beneath the noses of our ruling arses.

each episode will apparently culminate carry on-cum-rab c nesbit-cum-asterix-style in a barbaric brawl between rival peacenik factions.

one leitmotiv of the show will be a continuous game of cricket played rain-or-shine between teams of protesters representing opposite ends of the political spectrum. the match will, i am told, be constantly interrupted by umpire plod, who will be constantly inspecting the pitch for evidence of vandalism, and will feature (following her recent resoundingly successful, nay mould-breaking, portrayal of a batty eastender, in the soap-operetta eastenders) the widely acclaimed and multi-talented actress tameka empson, who will perform a cameo-rôle as stump. indeed, spark up! managed to snatch a short interview with the effusive miss empson, who excitedly let slip that she "couldn't wait to be banged in the hallowed-turf right in the middle of the green".

with a bit of luck they'll all get thrown in the slammer and the streets of london will be a safer place for us all...

...basically because the government bully-boys will have shot themselves straight in the fucking foot - leaving the anti-war movement to score a huge publicity coup.

we just can't have our national treasures treated in this way, now can we? i think even the ministry of defence knows it's onto a hiding to nothing against millions of enraged eastenders fans.