Saturday, 14 August 2010

a formal apology to guido fawkes

there are times, in all our lives, when we have to admit that we have made a gigantic cods-walloping mistake, and, today, it is (happily) my turn to be human, and to say sorry to the political blogger, guido fawkes.


mr fawkes, i am really really sorry to have accused your associates of snooping on me and carrying out, over the past four years, a highly illegal surveillence-operation on behalf of the conservative party.

i am truly sorry,

because it has now been brought to my attention that your associates were, of course, working for the labour government.

since 2006, i have been spied upon and been illegally eavesdropped and tracked via my mobile phone, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. why? because someone, somewhere, did not like the political opinions which i was expressing. i have been subjected to a sophisticated and co-ordinated programme of disinformation, harrassment, and suggestive blackmail which has had the cynical aim of kicking to the curb my freedom of speech - and this, as any writer or artist will acknowledge, is tantamount to a psychological prison sentence. my private premises, along with all other places which i frequent, have been intimately deep-bugged with covert audio-visual recording equipment, my clothes and shoes have been slyly fitted with digital-tracking-equipment, people close to me (including estranged members of my family) have been bribed to monitor my activities and inform on me, my personal computer has been hacked and placed under continual observation by persons who have rented flats in my neighbourhood for this specific purpose - and i have been physically assaulted.

i now realize that this crazy convoluted operation has been mounted in conjunction with members of the security services, and has even involved tailor-made courses of harrassment provided courtesy of government departments such as the jobcentre and its freelance bully-boys, working links - indeed, anyone still naïve enough to work in the public services must now surely come to terms with the fact that every government office, school, and hospital is carefully planted with a strategic network of super-annuated intelligent grasses, the like of which have been keeping tabs on me ever since my days as a civil-service union representative...but god knows, this obsession with mind-control has reached a fever-pitch in recent times and must cost the tax-payer a fucking fortune. my crimes? harsh criticism of british and united states government policy, as promulgated by messrs bush, obama, blair, brown, and cameron - with the iraq and afghan war as my specialist subject.

i will list below the most probable facilitators of my interminable torment, according to rank:

lord mandelson
trevor phillips obe
david lammy
meg hillier
diane abbott
oona king
simon woolley

ongoing court proceedings involving a primary provocateur prevent the naming of any additional politicians who may be implicated.

in recognition of dissenting bloggers in the uk, usa, europe, and across the world, my solicitors will not rest until the culprits are judicially exposed and barred from public office, forever. and in order to save public money, i propose that mr cameron scraps the secret intelligence services with immediate effect - fucking useless cunts.


skaski splitband said...

i really don't know why these black politicians bother entering this racially abusive parliament - if they had half an ounce of common decency they'd boycott the whole shabbang and set the two-tone record straight.

diane dubble-draw said...


well, as my old gran used to say: "where there's money there's muck" - which must explain why i'm in the habit of composting down £50 notes to grow my grass-plants in.

war no want - boycott london 2012 - the olympic flames are just a g-string of decadent inter-racial sex-shows laid on by swift slimline-slaves for the serf-abusement of our grand gods in government - a brief intermission in the afghan gladiatorial show - a breather when the thrill-spill of brown-kid-blood gets boring as watching crimeson-red paint bake to rust in the dust - a wankerval for politically motivated popcorn - signed with a spunk-splash - dial h for heroine - london burrow of tracknee said...


oh leave it out cracking me really got style ain't ya, darling. but setting you up as pm so's we cun pull the plug on this bathful of dirty scum-water is just stretching your credit-rating a teeny bit far...we tried that with obama but he got so stuck-into the rôle that we couldn't pull the fucker out again.

diane abshot said...


yes, but, yes, but what about the kids, miss h? can't they enjoy the sports like you did once when you were a nipper glued to the ceremonial box?

h is for horrendous hypocrisy said...


ok, i wish i wish they could diane, but it's sure gonna be gutting for those ones who've had their handies and tootsies blown-off by allied american cluster bombs, init dear?

how's about we have obama and cameron doing the high-jump over the rude razor-wire fence of a fucking immigration detention centre? now that would be educational.

we don't need no mutilation said...


yeah man. dollar detonation. pipe that shit out to worldwide subscription.

the outlaw jesse owens said...


an' i reckon diane abbott is plum for the marathon.

spark up said...

judging by the appreciative banging-noises, the bugger upstairs is loving the comments here today. being a christian doesn't actually mean you have to stifle criticism of obama and cameron's murderous war against muslims.