Tuesday, 17 August 2010

spark up! exclusive: diane abbott says slave trade was legal

during a recent radio interview, labour leadership hopeful, diane abbott, has controversially stated that, although the slave trade was initially considered "legal", it should now be gradually "phased" out, as the boys in blue are making "an absolutely terrible racket" hunting down the runaways 'round her manor in hackney - however, she expressed caution about abolishing the evil practice too quickly, because inner-city immigrant labour votes keep her ladyship in the pampered parliamentary luxury to which she has become well-fucking-accustomed for nearly a quarter of a century.

when later questioned, off-air, on the sticky subject of tony blair's memoirs being pulped into attractive eco-conscious papier-mâché prosthetics for ex-servicemen maimed in the iraq war, ms abbott was quoted as saying she thought it was "a jolly nice gesture", and that, "actually", "tony" deserved "a medal for all the selfless charity-work he has done" - a minority view, it must be said, which was boldly expressed in typically brazen fashion by the feisty member of parliament for stoke newington, flying, as it did, in the face of a widespread grassroots consensus that the millions raised by the bestselling-book might possibly be more constructively spent on building a rocket capable of firing the former prime minister directly into the sun, with a projected optimum journey time of roughly 45 minutes.


spark up said...

no-one seems to be commenting here...so i'd just like to add this: after a couple of hundred years of pretty-damn-wicked british-and-then-american suppression in the middle-east, the attack on the twin-towers, although an atrocious and evil act, in itself, in no way justified the western invasions of either afghanistan, or iraq, and the subsequent murder of hundreds of thousands of civilians. as for diane's abbott's ridiculous assertion that afghanistan may have been lawfully invaded in order to capture one man, cia-chum, osama bin laden, let it suffice to say that historically this would not appear to be standard operational procedure.

the accidental insurgent said...


well, it was like this, you see...i managed to scarper from tora bora and made it to london n16, where i climbed up some huge great fucking mountain and finally somehow squeezed through a strange a crevice only to find myself in one absolutely enormous fucking cavern. basically, i've been hiding out in here ever since...to be honest it's a bit dark and damp, but surprisingly warm, with plenty of rooom to manœuvre...and some kind well-wisher has even been supplying me with nutritional sustenance on a regular basis...although i am getting rather sick of a constant diet of sauce tartare...the meal comes the same way every day, through a thoughtfully-provided long pink straw...its arrival always heralded by a voice screaming the words: "give it to me big-boy, go-on give it to me michael baby, oh yes you can, oh yes you can fuck socialism, it just takes will-power, oh yes, grab my wallopping great welfare states loverboy, oh yeah harder baby go-on, harder mikey, harder harder...".

diane's assylum-sneaker advice centre said...


jesus christ, and i always thought it was that extra-strong skunk fucking with my brain, when my fanny started singing at me four times a day...

spark up said...

i see that one of those juvenile delinquents from old holborn has been over here distributing that distinctly immature brand of islamophobic humour from which they are so habitually wont to derive such mirth.

max splifford said...

as an experienced publicity agent, my recommendation is as follows, diane: tear the page out (use it for bog-paper), change the panty (if you're wearing any).

the grand old jerk of honolulu said...

hey man, i dunno know what that diane flabbutt is twirping on about - she was interviewed about the war in afghanistan, not slavery...can't see any damn connection myself...

now then, diane old girl, take a leaf out the book of the master-claptrap...you see, i wudda answered the question something like this:

you put your ar-my in
you pull your ar-my out,
in, out, in, out,
shake-it all about,
you do the hokey-stokey and you turn ar-ound,
that's wha-tit's all about...

woahhhh, the hokey-stokey!
woahhhh, the hokey-stokey!
woahhhh, the hokey-stokey!
that's wha-tit's all about!