Wednesday 10 December 2014

write to rant



tonight, spark up! is offering the write to rant to renowned, revered and racially retarded thespian, dame janita jaykloff:

right, it seems i've been maliciously misquoted and i'd like to clear-up this bloody awful mess without any further ado - so here is my final statement on the matter:
  • i am not, i repeat not, attempting to whitewash black history
  • wanky white bourgeois liberal theatre which totally fails to register fuck-all interest in the wider afro-caribbean community is not, apparently, a part of black culture
  • never-fuckin-ending white guilt is not a part of black culture
  • white racism is not a part of black culture (i don't think)
  • racism is a white invention - so there
is everybody happy now? good, i'm orff to drown my sorrows in a bucket of pink champagne with bob belldoff at a hideously white notting-hill wine-bar.  now, piss-orff the lorrt of you.

thank you for your intellectually considered contribution, dame janita.


31 comments:

king lenny henry the first said...

actually, i find dame janita's statement deeply insulting - i'm the proud product of a traditional conservative jamaican background and i've been doing wanky white bourgeois liberal theatre for years.

dame janita can suck my ten-foot long stereotypical black dick.

jocelyn ju explosion said...

well, i suppose i ought to thank dame janita for taking the trouble to highlight the perennial problem of promoting afro-caribbean theatre in an obsequiously euro-centric society...

...but i should also like to add that if she weren't a silly stroppy senile old bag who's shortly due for the royal shakespeare knackers yard, i'd slice off her wrinkled white tits and dunk her head-first into a boiling vat of traditionally fermented (white) wine vinegar.

good sista, bad sista said...

i mean...what would you expect from someone who is the product of a jewish south-african upbringing? she'd hardly be likely to turn into a black civil-rights campaigner, would she...?

spark up said...

(part one)

now, now luvvies...there's no need for theatrics...

i reckon that dame janita's heart is in the right place, but she was probably a trifle frustrated about the lack of bright young attentive black faces in the audience...and felt like having 'a bit of a go'...

...it's a shame, of course, because by saying what she did, she has done nothing to dissolve the firmly held perception in the afro-caribbean comunity that the 'chosen people' are among the most racist that ever walked god's earth, and that jewish traders have historically played a central rôle as facilitators in the western civilization's rape and pillage of mother africa - take for instance, the involvement of super-wealthy american-jewish businessmen in the recent congo-wars and the cold extraction of conflict minerals from this region, where as a result of cia intervention and western greed over 5 million people have died.

afro-caribbeans are naturally highly indignant about the stereotype, into which many jewish people are guilty of buying, of the intellectually inferior negroid - and tend to feel the brunt of a jewish world-view, which summarily deems all non-jewish culture to be inferior to the highly exalted jewish one, and automatically casts afro-centric culture as constituting no more than the dregs in the barrel of human achievement.

unfortunately dame janita seems to suffers from the serious racial delusion that such-a-thing as 'white' or 'black' culture actually exists - when in fact it's far more accurate and intelligent to discuss either 'european', 'african' or 'asian' culture, all of which, in turn, sub-divide into a myriad starburst of diverse cultures, each as distinct from one another as any hypothetical continental variation.

spark up said...

(part two)

i have to admit that i patronize the theatre very infrequently, but i can assure dame janita that the recent lenny henry production of rudy's rare records, which played at the hackney empire, was extremely well supported by afro-caribbeans...

...as is every tour by jamaican companies who expertly specialize in traditional jamaican farce...

...and likewise the intellectually challenging production of jean genet's the blacks (remixed) at the royal stratford east london theatre...

...and the also goes for fela, the musical, when it was performed in london...

maybe, in common with the vast majority of white people, black people prefer to take advantage of modern didgital media to enjoy their arts - and let's face facts, live theatre, although appreciated once in a while is often considered a bit posh, expensive, and inconvenient.

then there's the fun-factor - why should black people be expected to attend possibly dry dreary and depressing pieces of contemporary social commentary when, like most white people, they would prefer proper entertainment with a splash of music and a message.

perhaps dame janita might also consider putting on a show in either ndebele, northern sotho, sotho, swazi, tsonga, tswana, venda, xhosa or zulu, in order to attract the 'right' kind of audience...

moreover, i cannot understand how dame janita concludes that theatre isnot in the 'black dna' - whatever hocus-pocus branch of bogus science that may be when it's at home - because quite frankly, in my own humble experience, black people love to act-up all the frigging time - on stage, off-stage and every which-way wherever...

i am sure that, as a result of her social faux pas, dame janita will now receive an inundation of irritated post together with a host of genuine invitations to sample the afro-caribbean arts scene - and i am also positive that she will graciously accept these offers; indeed, what i suspect she will discover is that the linguistic, rhythmic, and intellectual content of these shows will pleasantly surprise her in their sophistication - especially the hip-hop, rap and spoken-word end of the performance spectrum, where the competitive tradition breeds a wealth of under-exposed talent.

indeed, dame janita might try zena edwards, kat francois, amen noir and the best kept secret, for starters.

spark up said...

on reflection, notting hill is probably not the ideal venue for attracting black audiences - there not being no black people living in notting hill no more...

...and i think dame janet will find nowadays that the black people from the original 'notting hill carnival area' of west london mostly all live the other side of the grand union canal, and definitely on the other of the westway...

...but actually, you know what? i'd really like to hear a japanese perspective on this vital question concerning the racial origins of theatre...

would any of our japanese contributors like to comment on this absorbing current debate over whether theatre is a white european invention?

joko nono said...

no

nunn the wiser said...

well now, lenny's amply proved he has the calibre and experience for shakespeare...

...and jocelyn certainly appears to have gained a firm grasp of the essentials...

...but to my mind, this whole episode smells horribly staged, darlings:

cue diane abboot to make a bloody bundle of unashamed personal political capital from this most unbecoming and unsavoury débâcle...

...but i warn you: she's no dick whittington.

dame diane double-dollop said...

@nunn the wiser

now, if you're hoping to tempt me into stroking my pussy for a publicity stunt and then turning three times, i can inform you that you will be sorely disappointed, mr director.

king lenny henry the second said...

@king lenny henry the first

"actually, i find dame janita's statement deeply insulting - i'm the proud product of a traditional conservative jamaican background and i've been doing wanky white bourgeois liberal theatre for years."

"so what does that say?" is what i was going to add there - but my emotions seem to have got the better of me.

ok, i suppose my esteemed colleague dame janita was just having a bit of 'a dig' about the distinct lack of eager young black fans...however, she too has apparently got rather more stuck-in than she intended...indeed, so much so that it almost became the grave-yard scene.

pc fuckoff said...

"racism is a white invention"

well, well...let's see now, if it was a 'black' invention, the individuals responsible probably wouldn't have been too keen to claim ownership.

dame diane double dollop said...

'black' people invented err...people, as in human beings, so ipso fucto we must have invented just about everything, actually...

let's see, yes:

fire, houses, pubs, 69, cowboy, doggy, doing-it-on-yer-own-doorstep, ra...oh bugger, and err...that as well...

...and some of these inventions, skills and techniques took many years and years, maybe centuries, maybe even millennia, of hard dedicated struggle and practice to perfect, with the sacrifice of many lives to the ultimate cause...

...and moreover, since we don't even know who shakespeare really was, how can anyone really say that he was not in fact a black man, or more likely, a black woman...?

...and i can assure voters that, as a key part of my mayoral election strategy, i will be campaigning toof-and-claw to ensure that the globe-theatre redraft all its information and publicity material in order to reflect the insuppressible possibility, nay odds-on probability, that the bard was a bird, and a black-bird at that...

...and if they don't comply, i'll 'ave the lot-of-'em under the race relations act, sorry...the sex relations act...or is that the equal opportunities act now...?

anyway, i'll throw the book at 'em, including the bible and the complete-works...even if 'they' turn-out to be women, or black, or both...

...just to show how objective i am.

dame diane double-dollop said...

@14 December 2014 at 06:02

can you put the hyphen back in my name please, thank...you.

obama - the witch messiah said...

hi folks...

for reasons of personal sanity, couldn't we all just agree that racism is a kinda non-descript mid-greyish sorta colour and was invented by some misguided race-less mother-fucker, well-ahead of his time, who received no proper racial classification himself, due in-part to being born before the race-system was ever even conjured-up as a pseudo-biological socio-political construct. help me jesus.

jesus of ntuzuma said...

@obama - the witch messiah

"help me jesus"

sorry, you just ain't black enough, buddy.

prof bun raaah - afro space agency said...

@dame diana double-dollop, 14 december 2014 at 06:02

in modern times, we of african descent have invented much good sophisticated technical shit too, real advanced gear man, although we have not apparently had any significant hand in the design and launch of space-probe rosetta - if television images are to be believed accurate - because, as is historically evidenced, our hands have been tied.

the price of peanuts said...

@prof bun raaah - afro space agency

i imagine, african scientists are rather more pre-occupied with solving the pressing socio-engineering challenges posed by the impoverishment of their continent, than with the precision landing of robotic fleas on interstellar astro-turds, but an invitation to the design-and-launch party would have been nice.

this all reminds me of the petite, dark, pointy pyramids created by the nubian pharoahs during the latter egyptian dynasties, somewhere down in the sudanese desert - these structures have their own distinct style, and are unlike the original step-pyramids at sakkara, or the great assyrian-built pyramids; i suppose the nubians just weren't mad enough to knock-up the bank-busting monsters of giza and settled on more practical and labour-efficient mausoleum-models.

a shite inner-city education-system combined with closed-shop professional cultures provide the chief reasons for flagship-projects assuming a starched white appearance - nevertheless, some british afro-caribbean families have still succeeded in producing, say, one sibling who is an oxbridge-educated member of parliament and another who is a nuclear physicist.

incidentally, anyone who might reckon prof bun raaah to be 'on something', such as 'another planet' perhaps, should read this page - and in doing so reset his or her prejudices.

meanwhile, back on the streets of dark-age britain, necessity is the mother of invention, and budding black boffins are forced to employ their electronic-engineering talents primarily in order to develop technology capable of circumventing the state-pig surveillance-apparatus for long enough to enjoy a spliff in peace - however, in an odd twist, the application is now being marketed mainly in the white community.

as for professor bun raaah, i can only vouch for the fact that he definitely did create some real sophisticated technical shit, which easily matches that of hindemith and schoenberg in its complexity, but which far surpasses these two composers' dry shit in terms of entertainment value, humour, cosmic philosophy, and advanced gear.

enter the time-warp

ms s elektra said...

personally, i admire the way in which dame janita has deliberately trashed her own career in order to raise the level of public debate over theatre-audience diversity.

what a (greek) tragedy.

order of points said...

@the price of peanuts

"this all reminds me of the petite, dark, pointy pyramids created by the nubian pharoahs during the latter egyptian dynasties, somewhere down in the sudanese desert - these structures have their own distinct style, and are unlike the original step-pyramids at sakkara, or the great assyrian-built pyramids; i suppose the nubians just weren't mad enough to knock-up the bank-busting monsters of giza and settled on more practical and labour-efficient mausoleum-models."

corrections:

a) the 'great' pyramids were not constructed by assyrians, but by the ancient egyptians - the assyrians invaded later.

b) 'saqqara' is the normal spelling of this pyramids site.

yes, i know the ancient egyptians made a point of constructing pretty big pyramids, but maybe the nubians didn't feel they had to make such a big point?

jos ju exculpation said...

@jocelyn ju explosion

i'm pleased to say that i have now read dame janita's apology for her culturally insensitive mind-wobble, and i accept it wholeheartedly.

indeed, i now too feel deeply ashamed of my abhorrent behaviour and must herewith apologize unreservedly and unconditionally for my unjustifiably vile vicious outburst, which has had the tragically unintended side-effect of indecently denigrating this great dame.

i accept that dame janita did not mean exactly what she said, and in the heat of the night's events nor did i...

...instead of 'slice' i meant to write 'rip', and where i wrote 'wrinkled' i really meant 'withered'...

...and i consider that these above amendments duly lend my abominable comment a much more middle-class timbre, which i trust will meet with dame janita's approval and acceptance - if not shakespeare's - such that she will in retrospect be able to digest my words without further ado or dramatic incident as might be precipitated by getting them stuck irretrievably in her gizzard.

king lenny henry the third said...

yeah, jos, me too...

...i was inexcusably rude to the dame of the realm, and instead of saying 'dick', i fervently wish that i'd said 'nob' - as this would have been a far nicer noun to use and much less offensive, or blunt.

please grant us all licence to rewind some, your ladyship.

dame janita snobman said...

@jos ju exculpation
@king lenny henry the third

thank you, now that that i have read your revized versions, i can really see the funny side of all this jovial festive season banter.

isn't it so strange how just one little word can make all the difference?

apologies accepted - you are formally pardoned with immediate effect, and may keep your heads.

the dummy returns said...

b) 'saqqara' is the normal spelling of this pyramids site.

drop the 's' in pyramid, or use 'pyramid-site'.

is this blog-post cursed? has a sacred sealed sarcophagus of wisdom been desecrated?

howard farter said...

black history is a white invention.

dame janita snobman said...

shuuuuudup

pres bad souptin said...

@nunn the wiser

haha, ze voluptuous lady diana a-boot - mein top-secret deadly veepon against ze vest.

vot a voman...

zen vibraphone said...

va-va-vundafully loaded

the prince of scales said...

@the price of peanuts

through its mood of paranoid repression, the music of arnold schoenberg and paul hindemith reflects the chilling zeitgeist of the early 20th century, in the same way as the extreme jazz of sun ra gives vent to the civil anger of rights campaigners in the sixties...

...nonetheless, in my opinion, the avant garde output of all these three composers represents an unnecessarily cruel form of twelve-tone torture, if i'm to be strictly honest.

jack oubliette - former secretary of state for mock executions, the rack and thumbscrews said...

@the prince of scales

clearly a man bereft of true cultural values.

dame diana double-dollop - the well-tempered klaxhorn said...

my new year's resolution will, as usual, be to fight all forms of inequality...

...especially on the capitals keyboards, ya, where black-notes suffer a substantial tonic under-representation...

...and once installed as mare, i fully intend to sort this most reprehensible situation out, once-and-for-all...

...oh i do like to tinkle on the ivories.

mr glee faragin - closed-shop party said...

under a ukip government, i will declare every day christmas...

...and eastern europeans will be duly inclined to travel back home and spend more time with their families.

vote ukip for a real british christmas all year 'round (where everyone's shut-up shop).