Thursday 15 August 2013

ed "chef" miliblend: i cooked it my way



guest post submitted by garnish ed:


today i decided to venture into london's african quarter in search of exotic new ingredients, and it was then that it hit me: you can't bake a bunch of cack without breaking any eggs...

...and you know strangely enough, the germ of this idea wasn't hatched by one of my afro-caribbean fans, but was volunteered by a supporter of english origin who just happened to be moonlighting as a messenger of abstract philosophical concepts - i sure didn't see that coming...

...but no need to dwell on circumstantial details, let me go back to the very beginning of the story in order to recount the exact sequence of events that led to the brain-storming session during which i was generously garnished with the full political facts...

...now the proof of the pudding is in the eating, or so people say...and therefore whilst chatting up the local totty, i took the opportunity to test out my new immigration recipe on some of my admirers, simply to gauge their broad reaction, you see...

...obviously, we don't want our socialist party to be accused of racism or anythink like that..and this is why we agreed to divide the labour involved in pissing-off immigrants between ourselves and the conservatives, equally; dave said he didn't mind dealing with the illegals, who tend to be non-european and non-white - basically, he reckoned he wasn't bothered about being called 'racist' as he was looking to nail the nasty vote with his nasty-vans - whilst i was left to take on the poles who are usually of caucasian appearance...

...in fact, to be brutally honest, i was really quite inspired by mr godzilla bloomer, who subliminally communicated to the electorate his subconscious desire to lynch black people by actually expressing his wish to personally hang terrorists - very subtle stuff, i thought...yes, by having a go at the polish it would give the heavily suggestive impression that we were bashing immigration in general, yet at the same time we couldn't be called 'racist' - clever, eh?  what's even better is that polish people would be confident in the knowledge that they couldn't be deported and be preferred for the jobs anyway, being far keener employees than benefit-blunted brits...and even better still, we would not, strictly speaking, be victimizing polish people but, rather, global business, like big bad tescops - well dodgy merchants, who, it turns out, offered to help the previous labour government spy on illegal immigrants...

...drat...as i mentioned already, you have to break things sometimes...but nevertheless it seems tescops constitutes a huge fucking corporate egg and doesn't much fancy getting smashed up...and besides, i'm told the polish are very americo-chummy sorta folks, like me...so we'd better scratch that crafty little strategy...

...and also, mummy isn't too pleased about us harassing the poles...since she says they arranged her escape from the nazis during the second world war - whoops...

...anyway, i'm sure you get the general drift of our key-stone employment policy - brits are never going to get employed unless when in government we bribe companies to employ them by means of totally illegal equal-opportunities-busting financial incentives, or unless we force firms to employ them via equally illegal equal-opportunities-busting directives...or unless as a labour government we create a free-market promoting fair-competition and a level-playing-field for british workers...by utterly abolishing the welfare-state...and then err...losing the next general election...

...oh dear, do we have to interfere in the private affairs of companies...and force them to adopt alternative discriminative policies...?  surely, in a perfect world, they should be allowed to institute whatever anti-meritocratic selection system they fancy...and be free to fuck up their balance-sheet in the narrow-minded manner of their choice...?

...ah, apparently not...according to this text from america...as it's a proxy government's solemn duty to stick it's oar in wherever it's not wanted...and to wiggle it around until the enterprise in question either goes down the plug-hole of ignorance or coughs up it's taxes...so there we have it...

...we'll carry on chewing the trouser-legs of the big boys - who'll just tell us to piss off - and doggedly persist in our vain attempts to monitor the myriad activities of the swarm of smaller outfits...

...but hey, never mind all that sophisticated micro-managerial poppycock, at the end of the day, it's upholding core ideological principles that matters - and this primarily means:

i)  condoning every murderous neo-colonialist war of aggression in which the united states becomes engaged in order to exploit resources - for example, those which occurred in iraq, afghanistan, and libya. 
ii)  condoning the arming of military dictatorships, military factions, or police-states, such as those favoured in egypt, somalia, mali, or nigeria, in order to suppress local populations and provoke them into seeking reactionary sanctuary in islamic government, or islamic extremism, the manufactured emergence of which can subsequently be used as a convenient pretext for funding further oppressive military governments or wars of aggression, ad infinitum
iii)  condoning the arming of al qaeda, rebel, insurgency, or other tribal factions in order to overthrow governments which are not conducive to western corruption - such as has recently been the case in libya, syria, the ivory coast, and somalia.

...so fundamentally you see, international socialism's all very straightforward and egalitarian, in my excessively educated opinion - imagine a multi-storey wedding-cake:

a)  the top tier of the wedge just gets shared between me and my mates in the shadow-cabinet, who then flog slices on to our capitalist mates at exorbitant rates. 
b)  the slightly more generous second tier is split between the remainder of the british population.
c)  the biggest bottom tier is divided equally between the fuck-knows-how-many-billions of piss-poor people around the world whose wealth and resources we systematically knock off to make the cake in the first place, and whose labour we continually exploit in dangerous mining or sweat-shop industries because we won't do any other kind of business with them - agro-commerce, for instance, which would provide citizens of poorer countries a sustainable and healthy living - although clearly, members of this global underclass are always free to immigrate to the united kingdom to dig up spuds and such for supply to british supermarkets like tescops, so long of course as these economically-pressed labourers remain working illegally and graft away for considerably below the national minimum wage.

...and there you have it, accessible tenets of kitchen-table socio-economics that the man-or-woman-in-the-street can readily grasp and utilize...

...dean porter certainly fucking well did.


(note to myself:...mmm...maybe make that an upside-down wedding cake...)


13 comments:

dave bilidamn said...

miliband claims not to have supported the war in iraq yet re-drafted into his shadow-cabinet many of the old-guard war-criminals who originally voted for it in parliament and have never taken responsibility for the ensuing mass-murder. where are his principles? up his fucking arse

mr d dilbinam said...

@dave bilidamn

yes, now he's supporting the general principle of a military strike on syria which will rupture the thin red-line that separates the psychologically immiscible forces of east and west and will catalyze a globally reactive combustion causing carnage of uncontrollable and incalculable proportions.

during a recent psychotic episode in the political paddling-pool, miliband has actually appeared willing to endorse this neo-colonial adventure into the abyss when no shred of conclusive scientific evidence has been published which proves that the alleged chemical attack in damascus even took place, let alone provides an indication as to who may have ordered it - and i here refer to the offending war-crime in ghouta, which in the eyes of certain ignorant american moth-heads irresistibly justifies a legally arguable apocalypse, and which ostensibly dwarves all hitherto unprosecuted and unpunished chemical war-crimes committed by the united states army in vietnam, and the nuclear war-crimes which the same firm committed in japan to celebrate the end of the second world-war.

i commend the leader of the opposition for his commitment in striving to export civil-war from the devastated suburbs of syria into our own ideologically divided countryside and cities.

nevertheless, the stark-raving fact that arch peace-taker, tony "mad-cunt" blair, has given his full and mentally-sound moral-backing to the uninvited policing of another superpower's patch should provide us with some small clue as to the ethical validity and sensibility of the suicidal military intervention which is currently being mooted and tooted in the mean middle-class streets of mal-educated morally-mind-washed washington.

turny bend - the handbrake-skidmaster said...

@mr d dilbinam

i think you're being a touch unfair on poor old 'easily-led' - he almost got it right...

...now he just has to propose a vote of no-confidence in the government, and he'll have regained entire control of his party.

the truth-level said...

@turny bend - the handbrake-skidmaster

it's unbelievable really...these highly-positioned politicians are so protected from the public by parliamentary privilege that they haven't the foggiest idea about the mood of their voters, the country, and the wider world...

...word on britain's streets has been very clear for at least a couple of years now...

...and being a multicultural society we have the benefit of our word being highly-informed by the international grapevine...

...and word is that syria is the red-line to cross if we want to get it on with the eastern superpowers...

...maybe our western leaders are just dipping their toes in to test the water...maybe they just want to beat the grass to startle the snakes...maybe the snake's already hypnotized them and tied itself around their respective necks in a soft series of neatly executed half-hitches...maybe our leaders have tested the waters enough...and maybe the levée's on the brink of bursting...and releasing the great yellow river-serpent into our green and pleasant fields in a detergent deluge that will wash away all known delusion...

...i admire our leaders' obstinate bravery...and salute the courage of their convictions...

...each lie bigger than the one before...custom-fit to cover its predecessor...like a traditional nest of reassuring familiar, but burnt, old cooking-pots.

the proverbial pavlova in the political face said...

@turny bend

i think obama and cameron are now faced with a simple choice between losing face or losing office - should they be tempted to pull the trigger of history, cameron could lose his authority immediately, and obama would have to wait until the politically correct number of truth-sealed body-bags were brought back to his american homeland for him to be booted ungraciously into eternal obscurity...

...god i feel sorry for cyprus sitting out there on the front-line, but in reality aren't we all now entrenched there?

enforced engagement said...

@the proverbial pavlova in the political face

...god i feel sorry for cyprus sitting out there on the front-line, but in reality aren't we all now entrenched there?

our government has only to allow the american military to launch one attack from a british base in cyprus or gibraltar and every british citizen will automatically be pressed onto a frontline which runs through every home in the united kingdom.

we shall not be conned said...

@mr d dilbinam

what gave their evil underhand game away was the unseemly manner in which our esteemed and respected leaders rushed to the rocket-launchers before the united nations' investigators had even had a chance to do their job - obama, cameron, and hollande have made it patently obvious that they do not want to abide by the united nations' mandates and do not want to know the outcome of any chemical tests carried out by united nations' scientists - does this fucking almighty arrogance fucking stink or fucking what?

are our governments afraid of what the inspectors might find, perhaps? they certainly act no better than coked-up common murderers caught in the fist-flash of a fatal saturday-night street-fight.

now the sly john kerry and other devious minions of the american government are claiming that syria has blocked united nations officials from investigating the alleged chemical weapons' attack for five days - but it now transpires that the united nations did not formally request access until saturday 24th august 2013, and were granted this access on sunday 25th august 2013, the very next day. the united states government is blatantly lying.

like millions of others up and down this country i have spent the past few days sitting glued to the telly, gobsmacked at our government's sheer self-obsessed insanity.

if our leaders' were sincerely motivated by justice they would never have behaved in such a sharp, disreputable and shifty way.

dodgy dom - grievous bodily harm and partners said...

may i just point out that any war-crimes which the allies may commit in the course of sabotaging syria will be totally legal and absolutely in accordance with international laws which do not actually exist in either a real or meaningful metaphysical sense anymore than their so-called independent signatory nations which, being classified non-american, are simply fleeting fade-away sketches in statutory social surreality.

yeah like, it's legal coz i says it iz, or else...errr...i send the boyz 'round.

market-stall mercenary said...

@truth-level

i guess the world's had enough of our pretentious moral policing programme - it kinda got stuck in a rut when everybugger realized that america and britain have made no progress against racial prejudice since martin luther king...

...nor have we exactly renounced colonial exploitation, nor suppression, nor genocidal massacre...instead preferring to call such war-crimes democracy, peace-making, and humanitarian action.

time to retire from repression and begin building trust and trade.

micky molewarp - 19th hole, white house lawn, washington said...

many people regard the alleged chemical weapons strike in syria as a false-flag attack designed by the cia to allow the united states a put-up-portal into the conflict - there is as yet only circumstantial evidence to support this theory - but the real false-flag operation will be evident when obama orders attacks on syria, thereby sending his communist brothers in the east an ethical invitation to annihilate western capitalist democracy as we know it.

right from obama's inauguration, and even before, he authorized increasing numbers of his troops to take a one-way trip into a futile foreign bloodbath. why this strategic absurdity? it surely only serves to undermine his homeland's position in the world order and destroy american morale from within?

surgical asshole strike said...

@turny bend

yes, turny, it's unlikely that members of parliament will be eager to vote for what will quickly escalate into outright war with syrian allies, in the certain knowledge that they will each receive the added bonus of a personalized iranian bounty on their righteous head - but big respect if you do go for it guys. wow, such men of principle, such devotion to humanity, such self-sacrifice for the democratic cause. i mean that too.

although in truth i'd have thought it far more probable that members would be queuing up for a turn at blowing their prime minister's block off with a farm-shotgun kindly donated by a backbencher sympathetic to his colleagues' predicament and their specific political aims.

in fact i hear the bookies are already offering odds on who will pop the bastard first...in order of decreasing probability it could be either:

a) one of cameron's generals

b) a member of cameron's cabinet

c) the archbishop of canterbury

d) a conservative back-bencher

e) a labour member of parliament

f) a british squaddie

g) a member of the british public

h) an iranian intelligence agent

i) a russian intelligence agent

or

j) president obama

barack lucifer obama said...

@we shall not be conned

i am not bound to observe the whims and dictates of the united nations...my orders to attack syria come from another authority...

you see i had a dream...

and god told me to do it.

icarus beauty salon - free wax for total twats said...

@the truth-level

reckon it's time for obama and cameron to start back-pedalling like fuck in a rapid-reverse race to reality...

...sure has to be a better plan than swopping underpants, wearing them outside their trousers, holding hands, and then hurling themselves off the first available precipice into complete political oblivion.