if you're happy and you know-it, throw a ballot-box-full-of-bricks through the front-window of conservative/liberal* central office...

the first responses to a government survey of citizen-happiness (organized by the office of notional statistics) are starting to arrive in whitehall...

instead of wasting their energy organizing violent protests, why don't all these middle-class students simply sign a pledge to refuse all work and payment of taxes? although such action, in common with the riots, may well be deemed 'criminal' by the authorities...at least it would be moral...and would certainly command the full attention of mr cameron, mr clegg, and the comfy-club coalition.

*delete according to political preference

red edit confesses: being in opposition is crap...

...a statement which (when decoded) reads: labour were crap in government.

ed miliband has probably proposed the best political argument for being granted the keys to number 10 downing street since the publication of the coalition's election manifesto.

pope benedict xvi pronounces catholic church to be "still against evil"...

...but will allow his theological subscribers a little more discretion on how they go about doing it.

the pope believes that, for a homosexual man, the use of a condom is a small step towards holy cleanliness, but that, to atone for the controversial act of ceremonial gay-packaging, heterosexuals should get as dirty as humanly possible, especially the african ones - for this, the pope says, is the only way to achieve "a humanization of sexuality".

the pope has absolute faith that his diocese's doctrinal determinations on the yay's and nay's of hiding one's bushel have created far more lives than have ever been lost to aids - but since some of those lives created were lives created with aids, he admits that the mental arithmetic becomes a little bit tricky.

fortunately, the pope's not the first person one would approach either for sex-tips, or for help adding things up.

what brand of panties does kate middleton wear...?

...i want to buy my girlfriend a pair in the exact same style for xmas.

old holborn scares the natives

in a recent post, entitled social cleansing, my socially-challenged neighbour, namely old holborn, has attempted to put the wind-up-the-willows of white middle-england by suggesting that a cap on rates of housing benefit will inevitably lead to an exodus of immigrants from inner-london to the shires in search of lower rents. and how wrong could he be? very wrong...the restriction on levels of housing benefit will surely hit-hardest-in-the-pocket those who benefit from the welfare state the most...the long-term unemployed? no, the greedy private landlords who for years-upon-years have been raising their rents above the market-average...because the government has encouraged them to do so. in fact, the housing-market would have crashed yonks ago had it not been for an excessively generous housing benefit system...and now it definitely will implode (if the coalition puts its votes where its manifesto is). can't you just hear those high-geared high-ratio high-mortgaged liberal buy-to-letters just screaming in ideological pain as they realize that they can no longer afford to pay off the huge business-loans which they have procured under the former socialist régime? and what will the immigrants, upon whom this country was built, do when the price of property plummets, eh old holborn? they'll leave their digs, dig into their prudently propagated savings-accounts, and buy up land, bricks, and mortar in every suburb, village and hamlet the length and breadth of the country. just as the rothschilds snapped up buckinghamshire real estate at bargain-basement prices during the 1840s (following a cattle-market crash), so will today's immigrant businessmen follow suit. yes, old holborn, your new neighbour could well turn out to be a nigerian - erecting a hideously-huge-white neo-hollywood-style mansion on a greenfield site near you...happy retirement holborn!

following the example of cameron's historic re-unification of the anglo-french axis of norsemen...

...british students have been inspired to harmonize riots...à la mode française...in order to demonstrate their opposition to the ending of state-funded state-brainwashing...

university degrees, traditionally awarded according to an individual's level of adherence to politically correct ideology, must now be paid for by the individual...

today's socially conscious pillaging of conservative central headquarters seems to be the inevitable result of a government which has cut public services whilst raising taxation...with a view to pocketing the difference...

very naughty

...although mi5 agents probably provoked the whole débâcle with the devious intention of undermining the students' otherwise peaceful protest...

in a statement on behalf of polite metropolitan society, sir paul stephenson exclaimed: "it's not acceptable. it's an embarrassment for london and for us. cutbacks in student grants could be the death-knell for public hostelries already pushed to the brink by the smoking-ban...and how the blazes am i to buy a pint after paying to put my pig-shit-thick bourgeouis children through the university of disinformation. i'm fucking livid. who's got some squirt?"

questioned on the serious outbreak of violence, sir paul said: "we thought they [the students] were all nice well-mannered middle-class kids who'd never dream of getting into trouble with the police and upsetting their daddies. standards of social-conditioning appear to be at an all-time low in modern british universities. either we must raise the bar and instil some ps and qs into their loutish lexicon...or we must return to a bespoke education system for the elite...and kick out the ruddy riff-raff. i blame the teachers for all this laxity...but most of all i blame the bloody liberals. when's the next rumble lads? what about getting the young farmers to trash the tuc, tit-for-tat like?"

europeans fight for less human rights

article 15 of the european convention on human rights allows contracting states to derogate from certain rights guaranteed by the convention - but only "in time of war or other public emergency threatening the life of the nation". to clarify, this means that, deferring to the principle of self-defence, the state may ignore human rights legislation if it feels threatened by an individual citizen or group of citizens, but citizens may not ignore human rights legislation if threatened by the state. the state is invincible, long live the state.

outrage in afghanistan

united states generals are complaining of having their feelings "quite hurt" by intelligence reports which reveal that, during a confidential conversation with a neighbour, an afghan mother has admitted to being extremely scared of american christians dressed in military uniform who shoot at her family and fire rockets at her house.

afua hirsch proposes the introduction of strict verbal control for the phrase "illegal immigrant"...

...but the guardian legal correspondent fails to pick up that immigration legislation (the law which magically turns immigrants illegal) is, by its nature, discriminatory and racist...

...just ask jimmy mubenga.

ok love...let's ban the words "illegal" and "immigrant" when they miscegenate and make sense of an illogical immoral unworkable law...then we can all pretend that the concept of immigration legislation is fine, that "illegal immigrants" don't exist, and don't get exploited by big business and the conniving politicians who rake off the resultant corporation taxes to suit and boot themselves...

...and you can carry on collecting fees for representing those "illegal immigrants"...

making these words "dirty"...will never make the money you earn "clean"...you have degraded, dehumanized and smeared the very clients who put food in your mouth...

lawyers...protect the law at the expense of the people...

what would we do without 'em?

spark up! poll:nine out of ten benefit-cheats prefer tax-evaders to george osborne & the inland revenue's steam-'n-cream gang

the shock result of a specially commissioned spark up! survey reveals that an overwhelming proportion of benefit-cheats believe that the chancellor of the exchequer, george osborne, and his merry band of taxmen are no better than a delinquent bunch of street-muggers. computerized analysis of responses to a wide range of questions posed by dodgy data uk ltd indicates that the sample group of british welfare fraudsters were, in general, philosophically opposed to compulsory taxation, and also under the firm impression that tax-inspectors hang around in hoodies, whilst nonchalantly terrorizing old ladies by revealing their arses and engaging in estuary easy-speak.

during an intimate pillow-conversation with a spark up! undercover reporter, the chancellor of the extortionists is quoted as describing his micro-economic policy in the following terms:

"this is a rumble in the fiscal jungle. we have to mug the honest hard-working taxpayer in order to finance an ultimately fruitless yet wonderfully vindictive vote-winning initiative against the great british benefit-cheat. we could, of course, solve the problem of benefit-sponging by abolishing the welfare state altogether...but then we'd have no statutory excuse for fleecing the public via the tax-system and taking our own whacking great cut (in order to subsidize the rising cost of our children's ridiculously expensive public school educations). basically, we in the conservative party are seeking to re-establish traditional values by re-introducing the well-heeled concept of social-exclusion - which is predicated upon the notion of the 'deserving snob', such as myself, who is born into the privileged mafia of major or minor aristocracy through absolutely no fault of his own...and the 'undeserving snob', more-often-than-not a socialist, who claws, shags and fiddles his way to the top of the dung-pile by virtue of his own craft, graft, criminal inclination and corrupt association."

the immigration-factor

x-factor judge, cheryl cole, has denied allowing racism to colour her decision to send home super-talented zimbabwean contestant, gamu nhengu - who, through no fault of her own, has run into some difficulties concerning her immigration status and now faces deportation. cole, who has previous for whacking a nigerian toilet-attendant without holding a recognized degree in deontological ethics, has claimed that she cannot possibly be racist as she was married to a black man - although presumably her participation in this relationship formed a mandatory component of her community service order, as she divorced him when he relapsed into racially-stereotypical behaviour and started putting it around a bit more than she could tolerate. i could also rather ungenerously speculate that ms cole's husband was a normally-narrow-minded-sun-newspaper-reading-brit who was of the common belief that immigration legislation was not in fact inherently racist so long as it did not affect or impede his own indefinite right to reside up cheryl's initial port-of-entry...but i won't...because i gather that he is considerably bigger than me - a fact which i guess swayed the liberal talent-show judge in her decision to jump on his nob in the first instance.

well-i-never...i along with other freedom-to-sing-to-shit-celebrities campaigners have long been arguing that immigration legislation is indeed racist - as it discriminates unfairly against sub-saharan soul-singers - and now it appears that god, in his great and bountiful wisdom, has delivered unto us a scenario which demonstrates, beyond-all-possible-doubt, to even the most tone-deaf of daily mail readers, that a nice girl, with a nice voice, could sadly end up illegally cleaning bogs below the minimum-wage - despite the fact that her mum has made a concerted attempt to integrate into british society by observing traditional national custom and claiming welfare benefits to which she was not strictly-speaking entitled.

may i wish gamu and her mum every success against those conceited cunts at the home office - and i hope and pray that gamu will be permitted to re-enter the competition and get a fair crack at punching cheryl's snotty stuck-up racist face in...

...if however, our prayers are not answered...may i suggest that gamu uses the insanely intense publicity either to secure herself a remunerative recording-contract, or to highlight the injustices of our exploitative immigration system...aside from that i would advise her to pursue her career in the regular pub-and-club venues in order to gain real performance experience...and to completely avoid any more crap celebrity-manufacturing-contests, which, let's face it, ultimately have absolutely nothing to do with natural artistic self-development...and usually degenerate into some international race-row due to the prejudiced nature of the audience and programme producers...

simon cowell just does not deserve to profit from true musicians like gamu...

...and as for officer cheryl...may i wish her a long and fulfilling career in the uk border agency.

no welsh, no blacks, just dogs of war

whites colonize labour cabinet

need i say more...?

ok then...

labour have white-washed the shadow-cabinet but can never rinse away the dark stain of innocent muslim blood from the hypocritical hands of its nasty filthy front-line war-criminals

how sadiq khan is going to sit amongst such an immoral greedy bunch of islamophobic child-killers, and still respect himself, will be a miracle to behold...?

the labour party have just lost the black vote...these shadow-ministers were not chosen according to ability but according to the strength of their bond with the devil...in the labour leadership contest, diane abbott polled almost the same percentage of votes as andy burnham, yet, unlike him, didn't even make the cut...and although i do not rate david lammy because of his support for the iraq war, i nevertheless recognize that he is more talented than other candidates who have been elected...get real now, both abbott and lammy have got to be more effective politicians than that dizzy cunt tessa jowell...it's definitely who you know that counts in socialist politics...and not what you know or stand for...

no afro-caribbean faces to front-up for british politics in the house of commons...a total fucking disgrace...for the white establishment...

...but a credit to young black intellectuals who are becoming increasingly conscious of their redundancy in the houses of parliament and steering well clear of the dump...

the experience of the blair years shows us that black politicians can only secure cabinet positions on the condition that they sell-out their civil-rights principles...and even then, they suffer a short shelf-life...lammy now knows this...and obama soon will...

bravo diane! they stood-you-up, you showed-them-up

this is not a broadcast on behalf of the conservative party

black people support socialism because:

• the labour government attempted to colonize the middle-east and black people would just love to regenerate the british empire
  
  
• black people just love paying high taxes to white governments and then having to suck-up to the white establishment to get their money back
  
  
• black people just love paying for shitty public services and becoming captive-customers to the rude racist public servants who mismanage government departments yet cannot be sacked
  
  
• black people just love to surrender responsibility for their lives to white governments who are always more than happy to micro-manage the affairs of black people so that black people do not have to think for themselves and can blame white people when everything goes tits-up
  
  
• black people just love being guaranteed equality with white people and not having to be bothered by the annoying freedom to out-perform white people
  
  
• the labour party is full of racist white people who pretend they love black people but really hate them - a situation with which black people are innately comfortable because they really hate white people but pretend to love them
  
  
• black people prefer to choose money over self-esteem
  
  
• black people just love to vote-in soiled goods like david lammy and oona king (who have backed a bloody colonialist outrage in the middle-east) and second-hand sofas like diane abbott
  
  
• it costs them nothing - but has set-back black politics more than a century, anaesthetizing black intellectual thought more surely than all the cannabis ever grown
  
  
• white racism has caused insecurity amongst black people who, as a defence-response, have internalized the white herd-mentality and religiously rallied around a philosophy which obviates the need for individual thinking and viewpoints - hence black people's obsession with social-control and other strategies of white suppression
  
  
• socialism is the biggest con since christianity - and its natural heir
  
  
• as small children, black people were praised by white people for ramming round things into square holes

the spark up! pocket dictionary of discrimination

• racism: a hatred of humanity which manifests itself in a predisposition to practise the social-classification of individuals according to skin-colour rather than, for example, in terms of integrity, ability, experience, or achievement
  
  
• white people: individuals who hate black people
  
  
• black people: individuals who hate white people

disclaimer:

• spark up! does not support any political party which advocates the imposition of compulsory taxation

delhi does the biz, liz

although the indian government may have been criticized for slinging-up a second-rate stadium for a second-rate sports-event, for the duration of the intricately lavish inaugural ceremony of the 2010 commonwealth games, the jawaharlal nehru arena, in new delhi, proved to be a first-rate set for a premium-rate advertizing slot - of which the opportunistic authorities made the fullest use to promote indian commerce and culture to grand effect. after an 80-year sentence of serial social-snubbery, the ancient civilization of the asian sub-continent has at last been granted the doubtful privilege of hosting this historic event and, in strict observance of time-honoured british tradition, the fastest politicians in the east have knocked-up the infra-structure on-the-cheap and pocketed the record-breaking difference without even breaking into a sweat - but one can hardly blame the maharajahs and maharanis for defecating on the commonwealth games, which were previously known as the british empire games, which, in turn, evolved from the gladiatorial spectacles of inter-kingdom power-struggles and wars of independence so generously promoted by queen victoria throughout the worldwide-web of british colonies...

...and there we have it...the paradox of an independent superstate, which has little interest in playing games (when there's so much money to be made and such influence to be won) yet plays host to the quaint martial melodies and nostalgic majesterial whims of an enslaved defunct monarchy - whose subjects and rulers are commonly addicted to sports. in london, you will notice that indians do not make a great show of celebrating the day on which they gained independence - they were not granted it sham-to-shambles fashion, as in so many african and caribbean countries, they grabbed it back, and never looked back. indians celebrate their independence every day of the year by striving to consolidate it - whereas the nigerians, for example, make a big deal of their 'independence' day, yet do not even own, in any real or meaningful sense, the precious natural resources which lie beneath their mother-lands's rich home-soil; lagos, the business-hub-capital of black africa, is more-often-than-not subject to a power black-out - a symptomatic state of affairs which sadly defines, and is almost synonymous with, african 'independence'...formerly known as colonialism...formerly known as slavery.

south africa put on a fantastic football tournament, but it brought no freedom to its people...because soccer is 'something' spread (if not originally invented) by the british. now...the indians may not be the greatest stadium-builders, nor hold much respect for the founders of democracy after whom they name these statutory status-symbols, but when they wish to construct something important to themselves, such as the taj mahal, the akshardham temple, or their own mother-nation, it will undoubtedly last a good deal longer than the commonwealth games stadium, the commonwealth games, the british raj, or the british empire - which in the five-thousand-year long scheme of india's dynamic dynastic history...is but a bloody blip.

edwin lutyens, eat your heart out.

conservatives back use of terrorism to counter extremism

the british prime minister, mr david cameron, has today re-affirmed his support for proposals that members of the united nations should "have available to them" the option of committing a short-sharp atrocity against innocent members of the public whose governments have seen fit to commit war-crimes against the civilian citizens of foreign countries. in a brief statement issued at a hastily convened press-conference, the leader of the conservative party expounded his conviction that the introduction of progressive policies such as the cane-a-colonialist bill was the only sure-fire way of bringing "harmonious discipline" to a diverse world in which genocide and assorted human-rights abuses have become appallingly commonplace.

coalitionists crap themselves over labour's new clobber

the conservative press, as exemplified by guido fawkes, have quite rightly been quick to ridicule the recent bolshevik revolution in the labour party, but the raucous level of right-wing mirth belies a red-faced cover-up by a government which has complacently sat on its filthy murdering hands and completely failed to redress the balance of roughshod-western-justice in afghanistan. you see...if the truth be told, the prospect of a strong civil-rights suit sitting on the opposition front benches of parliament is making the massed members of the coalition banditry quake in their bother-boots - because the moral malaise which has brought british socialism crashing to its knees will ultimately be the downfall of this cobbled-cartel too. in the crowded house of commons the collective conscience of collaboration is contagious, and the symptoms of sadistry are synchronic - war-poxed war-criminals are just not fit to rule.

labour delegates adopt process of natural selection according to tit-size

meanwhile, back at the ranch...

...diane abbott is busy munching away at core socialist values from the inside...

having reached that awkward point in life where her teenage boy no longer wants to know her, diane has generously elected to spend the remainder of her middle-age bugging the fuck out of middle-england - primarily, by running for election to the labour party shadow cabinet. class-tittle-tattle has it that old labour stalwarts have been prompted to winch abbott over the last hurdle of parliamentary sexism and are about to project her into the make-believe-cabinet rôle of minister for women and equalities - which basically means she'll be washing-up the tea-cups. madam herself has been quoted as saying that she has her beady-eye on the 'voice of the cities' position - but i fear she'll have a serious social struggle finding any other person indigenous to the inner-city who sounds quite like her...

well, i sincerely hope that, if offered the women and equalities spot, abbott will politely tell red edit to stuff the job where everyone's equally dark - even though, it must be admitted, the part was written for her, by her...but, come now...giving equalities posts to minority feminists is a bit 1980s...init?

...and as for the minister for cities gambit...i just don't buy it - ms abbott's either playing coy (and playing down her delta-force-female go-grab-it streak of desire) in the hope of being invited to take-on something more senior..."oh honey, you shouldn't-have yes-thanks when-do-i-start" sort-of-a-thing...or else she really lacks confidence and ambition, due to her lack of dotty black female marxist rôle-models. in any case, the minister of cities portfolio is a cosmetic career-move - as it's essentially london-focused and, in reality, boris johnson already does all the work, as mayor...a scenario which would thus afford lady godiva a greater opportunity for beer-swilling in london hostelries...at a time when hackney residents are thoroughly fed up with their local embodiment of democracy hanging around street-corners molesting young white males...no thanks, we want her to get a proper job. it's shadow home fucking secretary or nowt, mate...oh, ok...maybe shadow foreign secretary...after all, look on the positive side...we would definitely have no further requirement for trident.

nonetheless, i must confess that i'm truly concerned about the competition repeating from the brown-blair reich - a glance at the list of mps who have put their names forward for mock-government draws my attention to the below-mentioned candidates who have the fresh blood of iraqi and afghan infants on their sociopathic hands:

douglas alexander, ed balls, hilary benn, ben bradshaw, chris bryant, andy burnham, liam byrne, vernon coaker, yvette cooper, wayne david, angela eagle, maria eagle, caroline flint, mike gapes, barry gardiner, peter hain, david hanson, tom harris, john healey, meg hillier, huw irranca-davies, alan johnson, kevan jones, tessa jowell, eric joyce, david lammy, chris leslie, ivan lewis, fiona mactaggart, alun michael, jim murphy, gareth thomas, stephen timms, stephen twigg, shaun woodward

...should all follow in the example of their bad-spirited leader, david miliband, and return to their constituencies in order to suffer an agonizing political death in the privacy of their own cctv'd trash-cans. god only knows how any of them ever had the bloody brass to show their evil fucking faces again?

...and finally, we wait in hope for a ghetto-blasting miracle...the miracle that late-developer, diane abbott, manages to grow a couple...a couple of independent brain-cells...independent physically, spiritually, emotionally and intellectually (err...so maybe that last one's stretching it a bit) from her pretend-ministerial colleagues who will always unthinkingly concur with ed...and independent from ed, who will always connive with mandelson...and independent from obama, who will always wait until some megalomaniacal u.s. general in afghanistan gets bored with blowing-out babies' brains before he, the president of america, feels that the time is right to order the king's african rifles to stop massacring the muslim mau mau, their wives, and their children...

...for otherwise spark up! simply cannot countenance backing our local vote-tart's loony-left-over logic-lite campaign.

message to t

thank you for your e-mail, darling - henceforth, please try your level-best to avoid using the terms 'affiliations' and 'references'...or i swear i'll do you.

the diane abbott politbüro campaign: blackmail or blacklist?

thanks to the collective guilty conscience of a labour party with a record for blithely waving a race-war through parliament, diane abbott mp has been able to successfully squeeze 33 leadership-nominations out of high-ranking nazi-officials from the former totalitarian brown-blair régime (including a distinctly curmudgeonly one from war-criminal, david miliband) before busting like a suicide-bomber onto the ballot-paper and taking her reluctant final sponsor, the fatally miscalculating fascist ex-foreign-secretary, with her - and get this, by way of a perversely returned backhanded-favour, the facety cow's now going around giving the poor defeated sod her full backing should he so desire to seek a post in his junior brother's shadow-cabinet...when the plain fact of the matter is...he really so doesn't.

ms abbott, who vehemently denies having entered the leadership-contest with the sole aim of eating away at david miliband's share of the vote, has today confirmed her continued participation in the electoral-feast by indicating her own intention to run for a shadow-ministerial position - some commentators have already rated the stoke newington mp's chances of success in this endeavour as pretty slim, but it's worth bearing in mind that new party equal-opportunities rules guarantee there will be six women's places up for grabs. put it this way...if abbott doesn't get a spot on the front benches, she'll not know whether to cry "racist!" or "sexist!", the darling - but, whatever her take, such a blunt rejection would be a damning indictment of a party which is cynically attempting to brush the civilian blood of the iraq war under the plush red carpet of parliament. indeed, considering that this long-serving backbencher has lately emerged as the unofficial spokesperson for the left-wing, and has always been steadfastly opposed to the iraq war (tho' a bit wanky on the war in afghanistan, it-must-be-said), for diane abbott to be offered anything less than the position of shadow home, or foreign, secretary would reasonably be viewed as a de facto side-lining of the socialist civil rights agenda. even if one adjudges ms abbott's ambitions to be no more than a kamikaze mission to expose racism in the labour party, it's abundantly clear that even the 'disappointment' of a further knock-back for her ladyship, at the outstanding conference-poll, will still inevitably entail a serious degradation of support for the war-apologetic and -unapologetic candidates proposed by the right-wing.

i wonder...was all this abbottage envisaged within peter mandelson's master-plan for 'arranging' a silky-smooth palm-off of party-power? possibly, he's that devious...but so's diane...don't say i never called her a cunning little bitch.

you see, personally, i couldn't give a figgy-fuck whether do-or-di gets the gig - she's just one big hot-air balloon who, bar the occasional apoplectic interjection of "racist!" or "sexist!", will unquestioningly do her ed-master's bidding, who, in turn, will do lord mandelwangle's bidding, who, in turn, will do the bidding of president obomba, lord of the yankees and israelis...

...and anyway...let's say the batty old battle-axe does flunk it, and comes home to hackney empty-handed...i mean, come-on man...what does diane abbott actually expect from an irrepressibly racist institution like the british labour party?

court of trigger-finger opinion: jean charles de menezes versus mark saunders

note that police allowed an off-duty barrister brandishing a shotgun five hours grace - yet instantly executed an innocent immigrant going to work.

the blair legacy: labour party vote in leadership contender with least personality

when one compares the small percentage of the labour membership which turned-out for diane "big-amp" abbott against the great pile of support which ensured a party leadership victory for "stale-bread" ed miliband, one knows that the amount of votes cast for any given candidate in this election was inversely proportional to that particular candidate's charisma quotient. i am also quite certain that racism and sexism played a large part in dumping diane at the bottom of the heap of hopefuls who, to be truthful, were all equally fucking crap - although it has to be said that diane does have an excrutiatingly irritating voice, something which isn't strictly-speaking her fault, of course, but which would surely have counted against her in a hostile homogeneous political environment far from the madding ghetto of positive discrimination for persons with arsey elocution. nevertheless, it's difficult to avoid the conclusion that diane abbott, having been encouraged by her party to join the leadership-race in order to air some alternative-but-not-too-alternative views on such taboo subjects as military intervention in the middle-east and public-spending-cuts, did really ask for it - yet suffered the social shit-shovelling because it was the price of a meal-ticket to the white-man's dinner-table, a place from which she expects to quietly consolidate her position of seniority in her wider home-constituency of black political expression. is diane abbott's survival strategy sound? i reckon not - now that obama's bubble-of-bullshit has been burst by the splinters flying from a smashed civil-rights movement, black people are extremely apathetic about establishment politics, which is probably the main reason for them failing to get behind her (leadership-bid) in the first place... ...and now to ed: I get it also that, whatever your view on the Iraq War, it led to an appalling loss of trust for us. I know we didn't always speak to your hopes, your dreams and address your fears and uncertainties. I know we have to change. yes, you all heard it - the acceptance speech where, instead of respectfully burying the dead civilian millions of the iraq and afghanistan wars, he thoughtlessly tossed them into a makeshift shallow grave, glibly glossed from labour consciousness. mr miliband, the war on terror led to an appalling loss of innocent life for communities in the middle-east, but you're only concerned about how many votes it lost you in the general election. the reality is that your corrupt labour government cannibalized any talent or experience amongst your ranks and your complacent comrades are now condemned to choose a figurehead from a lower-division intellectual gene-pool - whilst still desperately trying to sneak-back-in some key-criminal-elements from the tawdry and tarnished old-guard, including david miliband, ed balls and harriet harman. until the labour party comes to terms with the atrocity which it has committed in wog-world, it can never be redeemed, and will remain forever in parliamentary purgatory. you, sir, are no more than a democratically-elected doorstop preventing socialism from being slammed into total political oblivion.

united states generals throw tizzy-fit and troop out of afghanistan

apparently, president mahmoud ahmadinejad (an iranian in new york) upset american insensibilities, on thursday, by suggesting that the notorious failed attempt by ill-mannered immigrants to enter the land-of-the-free-tea-parties without a proper printed invitation, on 11th september 2001, might just possibly be linked to a century of wanton western infusion and unlicensed brew-ups in the middle-east.

russell brand, a guest at a reception in the white house, has boiled matters up further by explaining that: "well you see...sympathetic members of the israeli secret tea-service heard about the tea-plot and, on learning of the gate-crashers' desperate plight and poverty, thought errr...we'll 'ave some of that, and found it in their holy old hearts to purchase the fanatical saudi tea-lovers their plane-tickets all the way to america...the dears...and even went the extra-mile to provide them with some of those handy little white-plastic stirring-stick-thingies for when they arrived at the bash...in fact, such was the israelis' concern for health and safety, due to over-crowding at the popular event, that they persuaded their own hebrew tea-tasters to stay home that day and not attend". later on, realizing his faux-pas in respect of trans-atlantic tea-table etiquette, brand characteristically tried to retrieve the situation by first apologizing for tainting the sugar-bowl (which he had inadvertantly contaminated after distractedly dashing the sugar-spoon in his cuppa), and then by extolling the achievements of his host, president barack obama - whose middle-eastern conversation-initiatives the british celebrity cited as "among the most significant to be struck-up in the region since the days of the great tea-emporium founded by genghis khan".

satirical scrubbers get sloshed

judging by the results on alexa data, it now appears that guido fawkes no longer has the means to maintain his mansion in the manor to which it has been accustomed - a follyful of unwise investments have led to the property being neglected and it is now falling into the disrepair of gradual disregard. i fear there's nothing for it but to bulldoze the site and set up a car-wash.

law reinforce guilt

some immature attention-seeking adults in gateshead, england, have youtubed themselves roasting copies of the qu'ran - and now the police have scored a coup against race-relations by arresting the idiots and compounding the publicity. my guess is that, deliberately insulting as this hysterical display undoubtedly is, such abtuse actions by western islamophobes would barely raise a muslim eyebrow were american and european soldiers not hobnailing down the coffin-lid on middle-eastern culture and strafing civilian life - it's always the last senseless straw-brain that gives the camel the hump.

all for one and one for all

in view of old holborn's recent gross abuse of free-speech, spark up! is launching a campaign to have the entire blogosphere dismantled and consigned to the crap heap.

those in support of the motion please feel at liberty to leave your human rights below.

pope flash

stop press:

six street-cleaners arrested following covert surveillance operation by mi5 exposing poor standard of condom-clearance

mother vows "never again" to wash head of baby kissed by supreme pontiff

baby lodges complaint of child-abuse (in nappy)

baby arrested for projectile vomit attack on papal-mitre

pope-mobile clamped by westminster council parking enforcement officer

jocelyn jee esien claims she was "only doing job"

pope files complaint of religious discrimination and sexual harrassment against westminster city council

archbishop of canterbury questioned by police following pope-mobile tyre-slashing incident

most reverend rowan williams released on caution by metropolitan police after receiving directions to nearest public convenenience and how to use it

pope fined for failure to wear seat-belt

uk immigration directorate orders pope to attend home office approved college for english language tuition

abbott slams iraq war, but swerves afghanistan

during last night's labour leadership debate (hosted by question time on bbc1), diane abbott, flashing her booty at the old-labour leftwingers, made a great show of dragging tony blair's name through the blood and guts of the iraq invasion and occupation (even going so far as to tag blair as the robin to george bush's batman), yet she observed the fairly obviously pre-choreographed club-convention by contributing to a complete collective failure to take any position on the continuing war-crime which is western intervention in afghanistan. abbott is a di-hard obama-opportunist who will do nothing to jeopardize her proximity to the white house power-distribution process whilst it keeps spinning, and this consideration trumps any allegiance she has to the old white socialist-left-overs - indeed, it is this very lack of commitment to human-rights which will cost the first black champagne socialist chick any real chance of progressing in this election. now don't get me wrong, diane abbott's by far the most compelling and communicative candidate on the list...i'd love our local hypocrite to get the gig, even tho', as a favour to her president, she encouraged the neighbourhood bother-boys 'n -girls to hang around here and mess me about - but my concern is this: if she were eventually to bust her way into number ten, would she be a faithful companion to dick dastardly, if he by some miracle manages to secure re-election on the platform of having achieved sweet fuck-all? you know i'm sorry diane, but you really cannot compare war-criminals, like bush and blair, to well-loved cartoon-heros, you gave yourself away there - believe me, if you ever get into government and, like obama, are passed the baton of brutality only to greedily accept it with a big fat grin, you will suffer far worse comic comparison than the one which i have just insinuated. if we have to have politicians, let them be good politicians - if black politicians have to collaborate in this race-war-mongering hierarchy, let them be good black politicians. the world doesn't need another barack "i'm not black or white, just bad" obama and a wife who, on his birthday, is not able to be by her husband's side because she is too busy doing essential life-saving charity work amongst down-and-out south-london gangsters in exile in marbella - at least the late manipulating power-cow princess di had the gumption to actually go to africa (you know michelle...that place where black people come from to do things for white people) and hold the hands, or stumps, of the children whose lives and families were (and still are) being decimated by the never-ending never-bending world-dictatorship of which she was a willing partner. these guys are a fucking disgrace to the memory of true black civil-rights heros like steve biko - who were real intellectuals with real guts. think my earlier sniggering portrayal of you is inappropriate ms abbott? just rewind the tape of last night's programme and review the part where you were so immersed in snorting at your own joke that you failed to notice the audience was laughing at you, not with you. yes, it can be a terrifying ordeal having every single mistaken moment of your existence recorded, examined and ridiculed by people who don't even know you, can't it diane? i'm sick of it too: your cia goons upstairs who make it their business to log every key i press on the computer, and every call i make on the telephone, are clearly lacking fulfilling careers - but have no fear, in the bling new world, obama and crew will always find such people a gang to belong to and duly allocate them some poor cunt to hound. what a boon.

this is a comment is free papal-overflow-facility

steve bell on the pope's visit to britain

diane abbott sticks to principles and looks after her own

the latest bout of positive discrimination to afflict the member of parliament for hackney north and stoke newington is, by definition, terminally racist...

in fact, it is the most racist strain of racism to be diagnosed on mainland britain since the spread of the 1976 race relations act - a superbug which is believed to have evolved as a result of the institutional over-prescription of 'n' words during the 1950s and 1960s.

however, at heart, labour leadership contender, diane abbott mp, is herself certainly not racist at all - she is simply a shrewd and seasoned, political operator (who knows precisely on which side her bun is creamed).

sarah ndagire: a race oddity

sarah ndagire, a highly respected exponent of traditional ugandan music and afro-jazz, was definitely my favourite amongst the performers who kicked-off this year's london african festival - other artistes who took part in the opening-day at the southbank centre, on friday 10th september 2010, included the legendary chadian rapper, mc solaar, sudanese jazz-fusion vocalist, amira kheir, and dj edu of radio 1 extra. a star of kamapala radio, and superb linguist, sarah's folk-rhythms and melodies thrived on the improvisational afro-jazz-fusion talents of argile, the afro-german band which has invited her on a tour of europe this summer. it was fucking fab - the proof of the pudding being that ugandan home-girls in the audience got up and shook-their-stuff-to-the-beat in sheer arse-wiggling approval.

however, there was, as there always seems to be at such fortuitous events, a sour note - the stuck-up twat with whom i attended this show, and who effectively invited me down to it in the first place, but nevertheless neglected to buy me a drink despite being quite au fait with my completely skint financial situation that day, decided to take exception to the ethnicity of ms ndagire's musicians. well...perhaps next time, instead of going begging-bowl in hand to the white-wizard of oxford, boris de bully johnson, stuck-up twat and stuck-up twat's stinking rich and influential friends might see their way clear to busting-open their unendangered wallets and privately sponsoring an authentic african festival (whatever the heck that may be when it's at home) which specially caters for stuck-up twats like the stuck-up twat who has a penchant for masquerading as my friend. i keep telling the twat: nothing good ever comes of compulsory taxation - which is basically how we end up with an african ticket-only festival (a bit like an english bring-a-bottle party) with the somewhat surreal spectacle of white-men dressed in full african costume playing the drums, wickedly. in light of such blinding ignorance on the twat's part, i suppose i should not have been overly surprised that, on the way home, my inconstant consort topped-off the evening by informing me that i should pay 'taxes' to her gangster brothers in the mafia - hells bells, she keeps expressing a desire to 'collaborate' with me, but i rather reckon she'd do better collaborating with the inland cunting revenue.

ok...fair enough...in a world of ideal music, i would have preferred to have experienced an afro-african ensemble, but all-in-all i'm bloody glad i gate-crashed the mc solaar gig - it was bloody great, as was ms ndagire and her kooky but keen kraut crossovers, and there was never any doubt whatsoever that this celebrated ugandan singer, adorned in her stunning tribal costume, with her fluid african moves and genuine african curves, was anything less than an original african diva. rock on sarah!

spark up! exclusive: palin thinks with pussy

in a rather-more-frank-than-we-frankly-wanted interview with an undercover spark up! special investigator, sarah palin (republican presidential extremely-fucking-hopeful) has today made the startling admission that, despite her strict whites-only conservative upbringing, she now wears democratic blue panties in order to avoid those awkward-to-explain-to-hubby light-brown stains which she claims are the inevitable residue of inspecting president "tight-ass" obama bend-over to pick up the frisky-federal-female vote in a pair of topographically-consistent 'rump-rider' track-pants...

at this crucial juncture, the conversation was curtailed in a most mysterious and abrupt manner, ostensibly due to ms palin having an urgent re-call of nature - which necessitated a three-hour visit to the bidet.

guido fawkes: a subversive subtitle of sky news irrational

paul staines' persistent attempts to spin the coulson phone-tapping story away from the hack-headlights...the distractional spoof of a pre-meditated homophobic attack on william "hard-man" hague (carefully co-ordinated with conservative party headquarters)...addiction to illegal electronic surveillance techniques...

...what further evidence does one require?

oh...of course...unreserved and unsavoury support for slaughter of palestinian civilians in gaza.

boris's last stand-up

so...why has the big beast of balliol, boris johnson, plumped to run for re-election as mayor of london - and why now? his belayed decision to throw his bike-clips into the ring, coming, as-it-does, hard-on-the-heels of the secret-policeman's ball-breaking phone-tapping scandal, can mean only one thing: the man greased-in to become britain's next prime minister, in 2015, must be far too hotly-implicated in illegal surveillance operations carried out by the murdoch empire - the united kingdom's de facto secret intelligence service, whatever the party in government...

please note that members of parliament are getting their knickers in a rare-old-twist about the criminal ear-wigging and tracking of their phones, but couldn't give a prying-hack about deep-eavesdropping on the lives of private citizens - including those who write blogs.

a billboard from god

the forthcoming holy barbeque at dove outreach center in gainesville, florida, is not, as has been widely speculated, a desperate initiative by frustrated american authorities to explore alternative fuel-sources, but is, in reality, a spiritual marketing stunt directed by none-other-than the good lord himself, who, never one to miss an opportunity to make peace where there is a storm (and unify his discordant denominations with the single currency of a common purpose), has shrewdly recognized the commercial potential of the international scriptural inferno which this epiphanic auto da fé will inevitably catalyze - in a word, the prophetically peeved pastor is pre-ordained to unleash a textbook evangelical apocalypse of mutually assured testamental and qur'anic desecration which will go forth and multiply the profits of pious publishers across god's own globe in one almighty biblical bonanza...

...although our father in heaven may also forgive me for suspecting that the reverend terry jones has been smoking rather too much gainesville green.

nicolas sarkozy: the wog who kissed a dog and turned into a frog

as a true-bred englishman, to the untidy-state-of-appearance born, i can readily acknowledge that les français have much to teach us rosbifs about the art of chic understated fashion and subtly under-cooked cuisine - i am, therefore, utterly at a loss to explain our cross-channel cousins' insistence on letting their uncosmopolitan, uncoutured, unbridled racism go completely topless, or rather hang-out like a barbarically bulbous british bitter-belly...whilst, of course, we here, on the immigrant isles, are far more adept at tailoring the socially sophisticated cover-up...well, at any rate our multi-culpable middle-classes manage to put on a pretty good show...

et...ooh là là, and well bugger-me broadside, if la dear 'ole france (a rustic république oft-times ruled by cheeky-charlie frankfurters, nudist norsemen, and kkk krauts) ain't now lorded-over by a common-or-garden hungarian count - oh yea, les randy révolutionaires have now elected their own slick sultan of showbiz, monseigneur sarkozy, to join the razzadaz-ranks of global-gits and conceited-clits, exemplified by the likes of banga berlusconi and orgasmo obama...for, if the truth be told, the united kingdom haven't yet found a suitably star-schmug replacement for tv-tone, the over-glazed god of gogglebox-gabshite, although gordon the granite-grey-grampa did try, bless his blundering-heart...and err...who the fuck is dave?

so, basically, sarko the rotter has taken a sinking-socialist state of hypocrisy, built upon the fundamental tenents of liberté, égalité, et fraternité, and, in the same mediocre manner as so many religious perverts who have gone before him, has united a politically perplexed population in a rich ragoût of raw-root-racial-hatred, avec indigenous crusty old croutons.

first off, the petty-pois president bans the burqa in the hope of undermining islam and securing a slush-sainthood from pope bentedict the brownshirt...then carla career-melon demands that all roma communities be deported because their beautiful soul-twanging ballads make her songs sound worse than the ultra-sonic-screeching of a freaked-out hedgehog...and finally, with considerations of health and safety aforethought, monsieur sarkanova decides to have pregnant african immigrants dragged feet-first from their squats, with the honourable intention of repatriating them to a better standard-of-living in sub-saharan zinc shanty-towns - quite a generous gesture given that he himself got half of them up-the-duff.

par belenos, i wouldn't put it past the defender of the fanny française to railroad ultimate french superhero, astérix le gaulois, back to the sea of grass, kazakhstan - where the celtic warrior's original ancestors lie buried in their pre-historic kurgans.

...and one last little question: when nicolas sarkozy has sent everyone 'back' where they 'belong' - who'll be left?

answer: just himself and tom cruise - with whom the president has no objection to being photographed, largely because the short-arsed scientologist doesn't dwarf him into total obscurity. in conclusion, mr sarkozy, may i draw on the worldly wisdom and teachings of l ron hubbard, and assure you that your short-comings are not in fact genetic, but arise purely as a result of you being a complete cunt.

*nicolas sarkozy: la racaille qui baisa une fille avant de s'en transformer en grenouille.

cameron's carnival of complacency

the new coalition carnival 2010 will ultimately receive a sotto voce response at the polls - the big bruv' society, of clegg 'n cameron inc, having successfully subverted the traditional caribbean street-party in london's notting hill, subduing it into silence under a damp down-pillow of diva-policing...for you see, the beat-boys are back in town, with a vicious, virtuous vengeance. under the bravado bourgeois management of mayor boris johnson, the smirking balliol bully, carnival is dead-set on becoming the biggest village-fête in europe - a charmingly confined celebration of tea, cupcakes, cucumber-sandwiches, rasta-ribboned morris-dancing-and-may-pole-prancing...or you'll get yer head kicked-in, by the fuzz-bouncers, init? nevertheless, respect must go out to all the kow-towing community-leaders, without whom this muted multi-cultural masquerade of monotonous menacing blue could never have been achieved - perhaps the privileged petty-powers of parliament feel that the notion of serfs letting-off steam for a day has become obsolete in a liberal society embarrassed by the frustrating freedom to do fuck-all-good for anyone. a seven pm sound-off, leaves the mood of mambo-jambo-without-jets to culminate in a controlled-crash at the fag-end of a festive-funway trimmed by a tactical blackthorn-hedge; banned-from-bogling, but licensed-to-booze, the wronged-throng, unreluctantly-trained to form an orderly queue, descend back into the tube-system, and submit to the gradual creeping-culture of obamafication...save for two lads, spoilt-with-liberty, whose raucous remonstrations found sport with the law, and the law winged them with a clinically executed display of spontaneous synchronized-drubbing, hospitably treating the popping-pair to a short-sharp burst of relentlessly-rehearsed rawhide-racial-rhythms coming-to-conclusion in a concise on-the-cuff crescendo when both gob-smacked guests were overwhelmed to accept the drum-rôle d'honneur - the show over, a select-audience of smattered fans wavered in shell-shock-adulation, straining their saturated-souls to find an appropriate manner in which to express their unrestrained gratitude, some generously donating bottles of iced-cold-beer to quench the ardent auraric thirst of the authorized attention artistes blowing and glowing centre-fold...whilst other have-a-go-gallants turned from confronting the compulsory surreal attraction, and sheepishly accompanied bubbling womenfolk back to their shelters of silk-sheer complacency.

petraeus flips-his-flopsider and vows to flush insurgency from white house

buoyed in the wake of his ground-buffing campaign to bring ozone-friendly furniture polish, avant-garde odour control, and new-wave anti-static carpet-shampoo to iraq, cap'n david petraeus has stamped his nubuck rockport deckshoe by way of politely re-iterating that july 2011 is simply "a date when a process begins", and insists that he will not be rushing to withdraw service-personnel from mainland united states until he has run his ultra-lite khaki feather-duster along every cornice of the oval office, poked it into every crevice, and relentlessly tickled the enemy until terrorizing them into complete and unconditional submission. petraeus, distinguished in five-star commercial-hygiene operations which have have brought him into contact with some of the most hostile environments in downtown washington dc, and a dour gritty veteran of two deep-cleans, says that he has not survived a bungled assassination attempt by his own staff, and another totally unrelated malicious act of god, just to turn and quit when the going gets a bit messy. the general explained: "when you go into a job like this...you think that it's your last job, especially when you've got a complaints book containing more colourful prose than war and peace, and a contractor who is determined to see you fall flat on your face so he can use a get-out clause, dispense with your services, and then walk right-over you off into the sunset without even stepping in the icky-sticky backyard mud".

meanwhile, sitting on the sharp-end out in afghanistan, general james t conway of the united states marine corps has made the following proposition: "if we can't shift the taliban by mid-2011, we'll just have to meet them man-to-man, smoke a few pipes, hold hands and join forces to strike at our deadly common foe - the po-litically-correctionated pinko poof-lovers in power in washington".

when later asked to comment on general conway's remarks, general petraeus made it clear that he was not currently in a position to make further statements on the affair, as he was heavily occupied, having taken-on overall command of a crucial "disinfection-manœuvre" - apparently he'd had to order his men "over-the-top", although sadly could not join them due to an extremely pressing prior engagement with a smoked-salmon sandwich at the country club.

cameron to encourage teenagers to get stoned

in an innovative bid to reduce the billions of pounds of public-money spent on training and equipping the united kingdom's armed-forces (and then finding them some mad cunt to fight), the prime minister has today announced that the taliban are to lose the lucrative contract for exterminating our delinquent work-shy younger generation, and instead says he plans to make the british yute pay for their own orgiastic 18-30 holidays to the caspian riviera, in iran, where the authorities will be more than happy to oblige by stoning the whole fucking fornicating crew to death for free.

president mahmoud ahmadinejad has cordially welcomed the proposals, enthusing that they usher in a "new era" of anglo-iranian relations - adding that he looked forward to the day when his country would be fully-admitted to the nuclear family, and he would personally be given the nod by the british government to push the button and finish the fucking job off properly.

oh dear...

...i seem to have inadvertantly reported myself to the equality and human rights commission - i had a funny feeling i might do this one day. i in fact emailed saturday's blogpost, a formal apology to guido fawkes, to trevor phillips in the hope of getting the labour party's surveillance-and-bother-squad off my back, but, judging by an aggressive incident in the street yesterday, this ploy has not worked, and the press-gang now appears to want me to comment on message space blogs such as guido fawkes or its nobbly malformed tuber, old holborn - unfortunately, these guys do not appreciate that control and intimidation are not at all conducive to creativity...and as i never received a cunting penny for contributing to these bastard blogs in the first instance, there's fuck all chance i'm going to help them now.

who'd want to write on those two blogs anyway? guido fawkes has a prissy sissy moderation policy, and old holborn has a fussy and frilly comments section which forces one to open numerous little tabs in order to view all the teasingly concealed literary delights - a bit like a blooming big pair of french-fucking-knickers with a built-in advent-calendar. that's, of course, what you get with a bunch of women in charge of the show.

spark up! exclusive: diane abbott says slave trade was legal

during a recent radio interview, labour leadership hopeful, diane abbott, has controversially stated that, although the slave trade was initially considered "legal", it should now be gradually "phased" out, as the boys in blue are making "an absolutely terrible racket" hunting down the runaways 'round her manor in hackney - however, she expressed caution about abolishing the evil practice too quickly, because inner-city immigrant labour votes keep her ladyship in the pampered parliamentary luxury to which she has become well-fucking-accustomed for nearly a quarter of a century.

when later questioned, off-air, on the sticky subject of tony blair's memoirs being pulped into attractive eco-conscious papier-mâché prosthetics for ex-servicemen maimed in the iraq war, ms abbott was quoted as saying she thought it was "a jolly nice gesture", and that, "actually", "tony" deserved "a medal for all the selfless charity-work he has done" - a minority view, it must be said, which was boldly expressed in typically brazen fashion by the feisty member of parliament for stoke newington, flying, as it did, in the face of a widespread grassroots consensus that the millions raised by the bestselling-book might possibly be more constructively spent on building a rocket capable of firing the former prime minister directly into the sun, with a projected optimum journey time of roughly 45 minutes.

a formal apology to guido fawkes

there are times, in all our lives, when we have to admit that we have made a gigantic cods-walloping mistake, and, today, it is (happily) my turn to be human, and to say sorry to the political blogger, guido fawkes.

sorry.

mr fawkes, i am really really sorry to have accused your associates of snooping on me and carrying out, over the past four years, a highly illegal surveillence-operation on behalf of the conservative party.

i am truly sorry,

because it has now been brought to my attention that your associates were, of course, working for the labour government.

since 2006, i have been spied upon and been illegally eavesdropped and tracked via my mobile phone, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. why? because someone, somewhere, did not like the political opinions which i was expressing. i have been subjected to a sophisticated and co-ordinated programme of disinformation, harrassment, and suggestive blackmail which has had the cynical aim of kicking to the curb my freedom of speech - and this, as any writer or artist will acknowledge, is tantamount to a psychological prison sentence. my private premises, along with all other places which i frequent, have been intimately deep-bugged with covert audio-visual recording equipment, my clothes and shoes have been slyly fitted with digital-tracking-equipment, people close to me (including estranged members of my family) have been bribed to monitor my activities and inform on me, my personal computer has been hacked and placed under continual observation by persons who have rented flats in my neighbourhood for this specific purpose - and i have been physically assaulted.

i now realize that this crazy convoluted operation has been mounted in conjunction with members of the security services, and has even involved tailor-made courses of harrassment provided courtesy of government departments such as the jobcentre and its freelance bully-boys, working links - indeed, anyone still naïve enough to work in the public services must now surely come to terms with the fact that every government office, school, and hospital is carefully planted with a strategic network of super-annuated intelligent grasses, the like of which have been keeping tabs on me ever since my days as a civil-service union representative...but god knows, this obsession with mind-control has reached a fever-pitch in recent times and must cost the tax-payer a fucking fortune. my crimes? harsh criticism of british and united states government policy, as promulgated by messrs bush, obama, blair, brown, and cameron - with the iraq and afghan war as my specialist subject.

i will list below the most probable facilitators of my interminable torment, according to rank:

1. lord mandelson
2. trevor phillips obe
3. david lammy
4. meg hillier
5. diane abbott
6. oona king
7. simon woolley

ongoing court proceedings involving a primary provocateur prevent the naming of any additional politicians who may be implicated.

in recognition of dissenting bloggers in the uk, usa, europe, and across the world, my solicitors will not rest until the culprits are judicially exposed and barred from public office forever...

...and in order to save public money, i propose that mr cameron scrap the secret intelligence services with immediate effect - useless fucking cunts.

old holborn goes all english nationalist

bless his little rotten heart, old holborn has resorted to good old english nationalism in order to justify his tirade-mark islamophobia and anti-semitism - he's also having difficulty keeping his stats up these days, so i'll provide him with a couple of links: ever the victim and ever the victim (part two).

in brief, old holborn reckons that the israelis have falsely accused the english of being anti-semitic - a label which, he asserts, despite a long and well-documented history of english and british anti-semitism, is grossly unfair, because once-upon-a-time some israelis blew up some englishmen in palestine. however, old holborn fails to mention that the british military was over in the holy land due to british participation in the second world war, a war which britain, like the united states, had no need to enter, given that hitler really had no desire to invade or fight us, recognizing as he did that we were all fascists of a feather, not in the least concerned about the fate of a few million jews, africans, caribbeans, asians, gypsies, communists or homosexuals, and all hell-bent on empire-building, or empire-preserving - the primary reasons for britain and america's eventual involvement in the conflict.

old holborn then goes on to state that, since the pakistani foreign secretary has deemed the british to have "caused offence" by calling his countrymen terrorists, we english have been falsely accused of being islamophobic - a label which, he asserts, despite a long and well-documented history of english and british islamophobia, is grossly unfair, because once-upon-a-time a few people of pakistani-origin blew up some englishmen in london. however, old holborn fails to mention that the british military have been suppressing, slaughtering and exploiting the citizens of pakistan for a couple of hundred years, all in the name of british colonialism. old holborn also vilifies pakistan for subjecting its citizens to slavery, bonded labour, poverty and for creating a club (islam) which no-one is allowed to leave - yet he fails to recognize that the imposition of british colonialism and neo-colonial democracy has had exactly the same effect. old holborn reckons that pakistan has exported a culture of personal violence to this our beautiful island - yet he omits to point out that we already have the nhs to thank for implementing invasive health procedures and programmes which mutilate the lives of our citizens, both mentally and physically.

whilst i can agree with old holborn that pakistan and israel are governed by murderous, empire-building régimes, i must, unlike him, acknowledge that it was our own english-based murderous, empire-building régime which put them in place...and let us not forget the single proud contribution which english nationalism has made to the world and which still proudly stands our country in good stead today - namely, the concentration camp, now more commonly known as the immigration detention centre. what a fucking disgrace. sort it out cameron you fascist cunt.

in case you've been wondering, the difference between old holborn and spark up is that old holborn is an english nationalist who promotes the dysfunctional traits of our national character, such as racism, sexism, and downright hypocritical bigotry - whereas i, spark up, am an english culturalist who celebrates the finer aspects of traditional english life, such as cricket, fish and chips, and a nice cuppa tea.

cameron says council houses are the dog's bollocks

according to the prime minister, a council kennel is just for about five christmases and not for life - perhaps dave's taking his frustrations out on us plebs now that samantha is getting a little irritated by the cramped subsidized social-accommodation which the cameron's are currently forced to occupy at number 10 downing street? don't worry darling, i doubt whether you'll have to put up with the south west one slum for the full term.

never mind the iraq war

obama is currently making great play of clearing out of iraq, whilst chinlessly puffing out his chest and pushing propaganda in afghanistan. meanwhile, obama-chum cameron is being told to mind his language by prime minister zardari - after the british prime minister picked up on president obama's woeful attempt to put his foot in the great-wiki-war-leak and, in a crudely co-ordinated operation, accused pakistan of aiding taliban terrorism. zardari now has the embarrassing task of pointing out to cameron that britain and the united states do not have a hope in hell of beating the taliban, who are actually winning the defence of afghanistan.

yes, mr obama, there is indeed nothing new in the wiki-leak revelations - we already knew that civilian lives were being sacrificed in afghanistan for the greater good of american self-importance, and that, surprise-surprise, sections of the pakistani administration have been supporting anti-western forces. you see it's all an unfortunate misunderstanding which has occurred due to clumsily implemented terminology - if, mr obama, you had briefed david cameron to accuse pakistan's islamic state of assisting their muslim brothers in the holy jihad against the invading infidel, everyone would have been sweet, except, of course, for those middle-eastern politicians who are getting slushed-up by the cia. it is absolutely natural, mr obama, that other muslim countries are going to back resistance movements mounted against western forces which have immorally occupied the home territory of fellow muslims - this is fucking obvious you dumb cunt. are only christians permitted to repel aggressive intruders, to arm themselves with high-tech weaponry, to congregate and coalesce to mount a holy crusade, and to possess nuclear deterrents? mr obama, you are waging a sham-war in the middle-east for the benefit of your racist voters at home in the united states, but the afghan opposition have seen too many of their women and children aimlessly butchered to play your deadly game of shadow-boxing, they are not sparring - when you trumpet some stupidly-named invasive-surgery operation against the taliban, they just move out and proceed to bite your troops in the ass up some other barren mountain-of-nothingness. you look like an utter dickhead, mr president. obama, it's high time you review your intelligence on the uppityness of iran, pakistan, afganistan, somalia etc etc and decide whether to boost your macho image by taking on the entire muslim world in an inevitably cataclysmic global-war, or whether to fuck-off home like a sensible boy. can't get political support for doing the right thing? then resign like a man. this war ain't got no damn legs, man.

spark up! exclusive: revolutionary intellectual bonnie princess greer claims mozart was muslim suicide-bomber

in a highly controversial outburst, bonnie greer (recently awarded the order of the british empire in recognition of her piss useless attacks on the establishment) has revealed that the celebrated composer, wolfgang amadeus mozart, was in fact a radical islamic jihadist who came to a blinding crescendo then blew himself up - a remarkable new finding which turns on its afro the hitherto accepted body of historical scholarship, carried out by literally scores of eminent musicologists, that has always indicated the manic maestro to have been, in all probability, either the initiate of a traditional polytheistic niger-congo religion whose followers hold sacred the ewe dual-deity, mawu-lisa, or, alternatively, a worshipper of the androgynous god, vonda, revered by the fon people of benin, and, notwithstanding the exact nature of his religious beliefs, to have been simply the innocuous victim of a rather stubborn common cold.

tragically, however, and wholly irrespective of the true circumstances pertaining to the wonderful wolfgang's untimely demise, it must be stressed that an audience with ms greer is closely akin to the childhood experience of being taken by one's educatively over-stimulated parents to visit the grassfield site of the ancient battle of woodstock, only to meet with the profound disappointment of discovering the complete absence of any busty britannic babes bathing bare-assed in the lake, not-to-mention a distinct lack of hippies wandering 'round sporting a spear lodged in one eye-socket - for the good battleship bonnie, i'm afraid to say, has gracefully retired from political activism to knit woolly-worded tea-cosies custom-designed to keep the chilly winter-draughts out of babylon, her feminist views but out-of-fashion-accessories left shunned and moth-balled in the closet, her faux exibition-outrage over the senselessly-slaughtered guts of innocent afghan families serving as little more than morally-perished knicker-elastic. now how can one support president obama without supporting the clear and present policies of neo-colonial suppression which, in countries such as afghanistan, and pakistan, the selfsame gentleman justifies in the name of self-defence? well err...umm...by the skilled employment of nuancing, according to the highly-articulated bonnie greer - who would presumably also have used nuancing to effect a resounding vote-of-confidence in the chancellorship of adolf hitler, with the exception obviously of those terribly embarrassing occasions when he would just insist on siegheiling and goose-stepping, ad nauseum. although, to be fair to bonnie, let's not forget: herr hitler did wear that awfully nice uniform in a most attractive shade of brown...

...and whilst we're on the delicate subject of the existential anguish provoked by championing the cause of a problem, yet meantime performing bi-polar gymnastics to condemn the effect...may i mention, by-the-by, that forking out half-a-million pounds of tax-payers' dosh...on a propaganda-painting which illustrates what jolly nice people we british really were despite simultaneously being slave-traders...is pure and utter bollocks...and in no way conducive to the promotion of national mental health.

oh please, please...bring back our old bonnie who, at the least excuse for a protest, would have been champing to strip-off starkers and superglue her tongue irretrievably up david dimbleby's arsehole.

boris de bastard vows to ornament the perimeter of parliament square with a filigree lattice of anti-renaissance razor-wire-sculpture

following a judicial ruling to bulldoze democracy village from the face of parliament square (and a swiftly conducted opinion-poll), sheriff of london, boris johnson, has stood by his convictions and given his word, as a complete and utter bastard, to restore westminster's own emerald isle to its former glory and its former freeholder, her majesty the queen of england and other places. david "the dachshund" cameron has chipped-in and pledged a battalion of one thousand ground-troops, armoured-assault-vehicles, plus air-support (including the latest high-spec apache helicopters), to drive the soviet-backed crypto-crusty insurgency from the capital's beleaguered public camp-site. in a brief interview with spark up!, bad boris complained that, thus far, the protest had cost the tax-payer over £250k in court and clean-up costs - money, he said, which would have been far better spent blowing the little arms and legs off afghan children, with astronomically expensive american cluster-bombs.

spark up! continues to defend the right of all-comers to play cricket, according to fair rules, upon the green of parliament square - but i feel it my patriotic duty to point out that, although the place does now rather appear to have been degraded to a pétanque patch by the revolting revolutionaries, we obviously cannot have any fancy fromage-fumed frenchies fannying around with fanatically-polished cannon-balls on our sacred-site, can we?

spark up! exclusive: cameron to ban wearing of trousers at half-mast

i supppose this could be the conservative party's fox-hunting moment

western intervention in somalia causes carnage across africa

the above headline may not be strictly true today, but continued american and british interference in somalian politics could lead to a contagious continental civil-war spreading 'across africa' tomorrow - it would inevitably develop between followers of the two main proxy-religions to which africans have been exposed, islam and christianity.

when, in 2006, the united states and the united kingdom decided to employ their diplomatic muscle, their intelligence services, and armed forces, to destabilize and disintegrate the moderate and popularly accepted somalian umbrella party, the islamic courts union (at a time when somalians were emerging from years of destructive civil war and were firmly set on making peace amongst themselves), our malicious american and british governments also cynically enlisted (via the united nations) the support of western-puppeteered dictators such as president museveni in uganda. now kampala has been attacked -and our slaughter-happy manipulative leaders have achieved the result they always desired - a somalia plunged back into the eternal abyss of catastrophic internal conflict, the mutilated corpses of murdered ugandan civilians splattered right across the world's television screens (although not, of course, the bodies of the many thousand somalian dead), and a grotesquely manufactured excuse to invade a muslim country previously disinterested in islamic extremism, where there pre-existed no so-called 'al qaeda' elements with any credible independent local powerbase. al-shabaab, the splinter-group which has claimed responsibility for the ugandan bombings, has only been pushed to the fore since 2006, when western-backed forces intervened in somalia. the terrorists-of-the-moment, whose dipping hands are indelibly dyed with the blood of these unsuspecting ugandan football-fans, are known as david cameron and barack obama, and they intend to use somalia as yet another launch-pad to effect total war against iran and the wider middle-east - for the sake of innocent men, women and children in both the middle-east, and africa, and here at home in the capitals of our western moral-wilderness, we simply cannot allow such an outrageous plan to accumulate endorsement.

spark up! fully backs the campaign to occupy parliament square until these genocidal wars are abandoned. the wars perpetrated and precipitated by american and european powers in the middle east, africa, and in many other corners of the globe, are a gross and horrendous abuse of the united nations' legislature and international law - these immoral wars aim to annihilate all basic human rights and aspirations of common decency. this is not democracy, and this is certainly not cricket. spark up! defends the right of all-comers to play cricket, according to fair rules, upon the green of parliament square - until such time as our governments cease to indulge in the murderous enslaving pursuits of protectionism, interventionism, and exploitation across the face of god's earth. amen.

spark up! artspy exclusive: punch-up in paradise

stop press:

after extensive undercover investigation spark up! is now in a position to reveal that a certain london-born comedienne (whose precise identity i cannot possibly reveal for reasons of personal security and sanity) has infiltrated her troupe of halfwit actors (plus production crew) into the notorious peace-cramp in parliament square. desperate for a hit series, miss x is currently attempting to shoot scenes of a somewhat salacious nature right beneath the noses of our ruling arses.

each episode will apparently culminate carry on-cum-rab c nesbit-cum-asterix-style in a barbaric brawl between rival peacenik factions.

one leitmotiv of the show will be a continuous game of cricket played rain-or-shine between teams of protesters representing opposite ends of the political spectrum. the match will, i am told, be constantly interrupted by umpire plod, who will be constantly inspecting the pitch for evidence of vandalism, and will feature (following her recent resoundingly successful, nay mould-breaking, portrayal of a batty eastender, in the soap-operetta eastenders) the widely acclaimed and multi-talented actress tameka empson, who will perform a cameo-rôle as stump. indeed, spark up! managed to snatch a short interview with the effusive miss empson, who excitedly let slip that she "couldn't wait to be banged in the hallowed-turf right in the middle of the green".

with a bit of luck they'll all get thrown in the slammer and the streets of london will be a safer place for us all...

...basically because the government bully-boys will have shot themselves straight in the fucking foot - leaving the anti-war movement to score a huge publicity coup.

we just can't have our national treasures treated in this way, now can we? i think even the ministry of defence knows it's onto a hiding to nothing against millions of enraged eastenders fans.

top dodge

spark up! notes, with some interest, that the only local authority to feature amongst guido fawkes' top 100 readership sources is the london borough of hackney - which appears, as a bedraggled political rose, amongst a veritable bouquet of elite intellectual and financial institutions. is the conservative paul staines rigging his traffic stats via a notoriously corrupt labour server?

the spark up! post-slag: worrying under-representation of golliwogs in national chain-store

to: trevor phillips obe (chairman - equality & human rights commission)

from: xxxxx xxxx (spark up!)


dear sir trevor

i today visited the build-a-bear workshop, a soft-toy retail-outlet located at covent garden north piazza, london wc2e 7qa, and, despite observing a preponderance of flamingos, bears, pandas and the like, was most concerned to note the conspicuous lack of golliwogs on sale there. as you can imagine, i felt immediately compelled to enquire about this scandalous situation and approached a bear-salesperson in order to ascertain whether the afore-mentioned establishment's policy on golliwogs was, indeed, more a case of positive selection, rather than negative omission - however, in response to the question, "do you have any golliwogs in stock?" the assistant blurted out: "i don't exactly know what a golliwog is, but if it's what i think it is, no!" well, leaving aside the deplorable state of affairs whereby, in this day and age, an employee in such a line of business can be wholly ignorant of the existence of the golliwog, nay, utterly unable to identify one, i feel duty-bound to point out that the weight of circumstancial evidence collected at the build-a-bear workshop constitutes a prima facie case of gross discrimination against the beleaguered cuddly toy formerly known-and-loved as "golly", the child's bosom bedtime-companion. moreover, i am sorry to say, i cannot build, for this company, a specious defence based upon the notion, for example, that the build-a-bear workshop only sells the teddy bear and nothing but the teddy bear - for, as i have already communicated, i distinctly remember beholding furry flamingos and pekingese pandas strutting their stuff upon the display-shelves. i am thus presented with no other option but to conclude that there is in play, purely-and-simply, a pre-meditated marketing-plan which aims to intentionally exclude the traditional afro-caribbean playmate from the shop-premises - a decision which has deliberately left the continent of africa woefully and disgracefully under-represented in the build-a-bear workshop, and which has left me flabbergasted. (a decision, incidentally, which seems all the more astonishing in light of the fact that the museum of childhood in bethnal green, london, displays the renegade minstrel as an heroic role model)

i trust, sir trevor, that you will deal with this matter expeditiously and expediently, using the full gravity of your office.

yours sincerely


xxxxx xxxx


ps:

i beg you forgive my failure to supply a full address and my employment of a pseudonym - you will appreciate that whilst conducting my undercover-operations as a crusader against racial inequality, i have found the adoption of anonymity to be essential, as this genre of work is highly perilous and can, unfortunately, provoke completely unwarranted reprisals.

shock result: extensive fifa research in south africa proves conclusively that englishmen possess a superior 'soccer gene' which nigerian men do not

'nuff said really...

300 not out

it's just not cricket to bomb civilian men, women and children in a “broken 13th-century country”. fuck off fox.

lola adesioye: miss dangerous...or dangerous miss?

spark up! responds to the following huffington post article (concerning pope benedict xvi's notorious pronouncement that africans should not use condoms) by lola adesioye :

message to the pope: leave africa alone and go back to italy asap

whilst i commend lola on dogmatically biting into the pope's bollocks and refusing to let go, i feel she must be criticized for ignoring the huge impact upon african aids-transmission-rates which has been historically created by under-funded western medical-care programmes and the inevitable consequential unauthorized use of unsterilized medical equipment - a sorry situation which is explored here in a blogpost which draws conclusions based upon the medical reviews of dr david gisselquist, which are listed here.

spark up! exclusive: michelle mopslop demands right to reply

here at spark up! we pride ourselves on our impartial and unbiased reporting of all matters, especially those which concern the president of the united states of america, mr barack obama. accordingly, we have allowed mr obama's american wife, michelle mopslop, the opportunity to respond to allegations of presidential insouciance with regard to the continued enslavement, exploitation and slaughter of african people by western corporations - criticisms which were, of course, contained within a piece written by michelle obarnickel, mr obama's british wife, which was published on spark up! on thursday.

mopslop said she couldn't be arsed to write anything, so i had the inestimable honour of conducting a telephone interview during which she basically expressed no desire to opine upon how hardship in africa is aggravated by political decisions made in the white house - but was extremely keen to point out that she "knew nothing" about the president having any "british bitch", the "bitch" was essentially a "big fat ugly lying dirty black british bitch", and the president couldn't have been up to anything anyway because she'd had the cia install a snake's-eye camera in the end of his doo-da through which she and her mum monitored all barack's motions night-and-day, "so fucking there".

spark up! shock exclusive: comment censored by cia from huffington post

on just her first day of contributing, michelle obarnickel, president barack obama's shunned second wife, a jamaico-briton, has been unceremoniously blocked from commenting on the huffington post - the internationally-celebrated blog, second only in world-rankings to your own dear, beloved, spark up!

unconfirmed rumours of a covert cia operation to gag michelle obarnickel are now orbiting the globe at supersonic-speed. white house officials deny "any involvement" by michelle mopslop, president obama's super-controlling first wife, an afro-american, in the scandalous affair.

we are greatly honoured and thrilled that michelle has approached us (in tears) here at spark up! and have naturally jumped at this unique opportunity to publish the full unexpurgated dirt below:


comment by michelle obarnickel in response to an article by harry shearer entitled:


a word to bp shareholders


i hate to be the one to break this to you, harry, i really do, but barack obama was set up by the cia to sanitize the bloody-war crap, the economic-crash crap, and the environmental-polution crap, which was left behind by the republicans - all this whilst soiling his own reputation in the process. the current president is a single-term skittle, deliberately poised to be bowled-flat, for maximum points, leaving the deck cleared for republicans to re-rack and start a new game. unfortunately for the cia, it chose to enlist the assistance of the nigero-centric african-american mafia to facilitate their fall-guy's accelerated ascension to power, and, having rumbled the conceited agency's rotten ruse, a tiny kernel of black intellectuals configured their own power-play - they rustled up a slick saboteurial sub-scheme whereby african-americans would sneak in first, strike out the pretentious president's hypocritical humanist values, accrue maximum black-political capital, and leave white-liberal america blushing bare-assed at the home-plate, in front of stands packed-full with gob-smacked republican spectators.

now that's exactly where we are today - we have a black president administrating a neo-colonial empire, on behalf of white american liberals. this protectionist, interventionist, exploitative african-american president has hardly visited africa, let alone done anything to free black africans from suffocating international trade-agreements designed to keep white americans in the manner to which they are accustomed. middle-class white americans continue to profit from 'equities' in corporations which leave african and middle-eastern countries mutilated by war and environmental sacrilege: congo cobalt and copper = 10 million dead (this decade alone), iraqi-afghan oil = x million dead (and never mind the poppy or arms trade). the crux of this problem is encapsulated in the niger delta region, nigeria, where oil-spills and gas-flaring have been destroying lives, livelihoods and essential natural environment, day-in, day-out, for decade-upon-decade, yet these daily events never make the headlines in the united states of america - whose cosseted citizens reap the benefits, whilst in the commercial capital, lagos, nigerians do not even have a constant electricity-supply sufficient to light their homely-shacks...and gasolene is at a super-inflated premium.

so now the republican oil-giants have launched a suicide attack against their own country, and they want the democrats to clear up the mess, or pass the buck on to the british - laugh? i nearly pooed myself. well i am british, and i'm sick to death of the cia arrogantly assuming it can appoint our prime ministers and interfere in our political process (against our will), and i'm sick of the united kingdom doing the cia's dirty work, and i'm sick of the other michelle and the cia usurping, repressing and intimidating the british blogging scene for their own (american) ends - so go find someone else to suck on your filthy pipe.

you see, i'm barack obama's other (black british) wife, and i know that, no matter how deeply black people around the world despise his callous political prejudice towards africa (and believe me they do, with a vengeance), they will only assassinate my husband with their barbwire-tongues...but when his ridiculous sham civil-righteous stance becomes an outright embarrassment to white americans, he will be removed, rapidly...by whatever means necessary - and that is why i want my man to resign this untenable preposterous position with immediate effect, on health and safety grounds, because i love him, and i love our children, dearly. god save africa. amen.


update 17.06.01, 17.00hrs:

the huffington post has finally relented and published michelle's heart-rending plea for human rights for african-african humans - it goes without saying that spark up! takes absolutely no credit for bringing pressure to bear on the huffington post's arse in order to ensure that the true story of american corporate cannibalism was promulgated stateside.

decade bloody decade

£195 million to investigate one afternoon of british brutality - no wonder the british government cannot countenance an inquiry into the iraq, afghanistan and pakistan wars...

barack obama: the african-american president who avoids africa like the black plague

ignoring his unhistoric gob-stop in egypt where he tried out some new mouthwash on the muslims, obama has made only one flying-trip to a truly black african nation - the grateful hosts on that occasion of high-security, cia-street-cleansing, and cranked-up-media-momentum, being the west-cosy ghanaian government of president john atta mills. indeed, at the time he granted his ground-snogging visitation to mother africa's bosom, obama made it diamond-clear that he would not be staging further presidential-manifestations upon african soil unless the local ruling governments in question met the strict cock-sucking requirements laid-down by his united states' administration - the sole exception to this stipulation being when united states' forces had previously occupied that particular country, secured all tourist attractions, and swept the safari park.

of course, the real reason for mr obama's shyness in materializing in the mummy-continent is the multitude of highly-fucked-off muslims and other assorted anti-arrogant-asshole africans, who realize (either by the grace of having watched islamic afghan families splattered on prime-time telly, or having engaged in fruitless attempts to sell crops to the usa, or having had the minerals pulled out from under their very feet by cia-armed warlords) that this protectionist, interventionist, extractionist president does not give a toffee about africa, and would like to pop him - before the place is suffocated, slaughtered and sucked-dry by his political profiteering.

no doubt, mr obama may soon be dropping-in to support his soccer team in south africa, safe in the knowledge that there are lots of lovely white people living there who own all the nice bits - i do, however, have it on good authority that he is praying to god almighty for the stars 'n stripes squad to be eliminated early, this being a result which would excuse him from sitting through 90 minutes of tedious soccerball in a stadium-fit-for-snipers.