there are times, in all our lives, when we have to admit that we have made a gigantic cods-walloping mistake, and, today, it is (happily) my turn to be human, and to say sorry to the political blogger, guido fawkes.
sorry.
mr fawkes, i am really really sorry to have accused your associates of snooping on me and carrying out, over the past four years, a highly illegal surveillence-operation on behalf of the conservative party.
i am truly sorry,
because it has now been brought to my attention that your associates were, of course, working for the labour government.
since 2006, i have been spied upon and been illegally eavesdropped and tracked via my mobile phone, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. why? because someone, somewhere, did not like the political opinions which i was expressing. i have been subjected to a sophisticated and co-ordinated programme of disinformation, harrassment, and suggestive blackmail which has had the cynical aim of kicking to the curb my freedom of speech - and this, as any writer or artist will acknowledge, is tantamount to a psychological prison sentence. my private premises, along with all other places which i frequent, have been intimately deep-bugged with covert audio-visual recording equipment, my clothes and shoes have been slyly fitted with digital-tracking-equipment, people close to me (including estranged members of my family) have been bribed to monitor my activities and inform on me, my personal computer has been hacked and placed under continual observation by persons who have rented flats in my neighbourhood for this specific purpose - and i have been physically assaulted.
i now realize that this crazy convoluted operation has been mounted in conjunction with members of the security services, and has even involved tailor-made courses of harrassment provided courtesy of government departments such as the jobcentre and its freelance bully-boys, working links - indeed, anyone still naïve enough to work in the public services must now surely come to terms with the fact that every government office, school, and hospital is carefully planted with a strategic network of super-annuated intelligent grasses, the like of which have been keeping tabs on me ever since my days as a civil-service union representative...but god knows, this obsession with mind-control has reached a fever-pitch in recent times and must cost the tax-payer a fucking fortune. my crimes? harsh criticism of british and united states government policy, as promulgated by messrs bush, obama, blair, brown, and cameron - with the iraq and afghan war as my specialist subject.
i will list below the most probable facilitators of my interminable torment, according to rank:
- lord mandelson
- trevor phillips obe
- david lammy
- meg hillier
- diane abbott
- oona king
- simon woolley
ongoing court proceedings involving a primary provocateur prevent the naming of any additional politicians who may be implicated.
in recognition of dissenting bloggers in the uk, usa, europe, and across the world, my solicitors will not rest until the culprits are judicially exposed and barred from public office forever...
...and in order to save public money, i propose that mr cameron scrap the secret intelligence services with immediate effect - useless fucking cunts.
