spark up! exclusive: michelle mopslop demands right to reply

here at spark up! we pride ourselves on our impartial and unbiased reporting of all matters, especially those which concern the president of the united states of america, mr barack obama. accordingly, we have allowed mr obama's american wife, michelle mopslop, the opportunity to respond to allegations of presidential insouciance with regard to the continued enslavement, exploitation and slaughter of african people by western corporations - criticisms which were, of course, contained within a piece written by michelle obarnickel, mr obama's british wife, which was published on spark up! on thursday.

mopslop said she couldn't be arsed to write anything, so i had the inestimable honour of conducting a telephone interview during which she basically expressed no desire to opine upon how hardship in africa is aggravated by political decisions made in the white house - but was extremely keen to point out that she "knew nothing" about the president having any "british bitch", the "bitch" was essentially a "big fat ugly lying dirty black british bitch", and the president couldn't have been up to anything anyway because she'd had the cia install a snake's-eye camera in the end of his doo-da through which she and her mum monitored all barack's motions night-and-day, "so fucking there".