Friday, 23 July 2010
spark up! exclusive: revolutionary intellectual bonnie princess greer claims mozart was muslim suicide-bomber
in a highly controversial outburst, bonnie greer (recently awarded the order of the british empire in recognition of her piss useless attacks on the establishment) has revealed that the celebrated composer, wolfgang amadeus mozart, was in fact a radical islamic jihadist who came to a blinding crescendo then blew himself up - a remarkable new finding which turns on its afro the hitherto accepted body of historical scholarship, carried out by literally scores of eminent musicologists, that has always indicated the manic maestro to have been, in all probability, either the initiate of a traditional polytheistic niger-congo religion whose followers hold sacred the ewe dual-deity, mawu-lisa, or, alternatively, a worshipper of the androgynous god, vonda, revered by the fon people of benin, and, notwithstanding the exact nature of his religious beliefs, to have been simply the innocuous victim of a rather stubborn common cold.
tragically, however, and wholly irrespective of the true circumstances pertaining to the wonderful wolfgang's untimely demise, it must be stressed that an audience with ms greer is closely akin to the childhood experience of being taken by one's educatively over-stimulated parents to visit the grassfield site of the ancient battle of woodstock, only to meet with the profound disappointment of discovering the complete absence of any busty britannic babes bathing bare-assed in the lake, not-to-mention a distinct lack of hippies wandering 'round sporting a spear lodged in one eye-socket - for the good battleship bonnie, i'm afraid to say, has gracefully retired from political activism to knit woolly-worded tea-cosies custom-designed to keep the chilly winter-draughts out of babylon, her feminist views but out-of-fashion-accessories left shunned and moth-balled in the closet, her faux exibition-outrage over the senselessly-slaughtered guts of innocent afghan families serving as little more than morally-perished knicker-elastic. now how can one support president obama without supporting the clear and present policies of neo-colonial suppression which, in countries such as afghanistan, and pakistan, the selfsame gentleman justifies in the name of self-defence? well err...umm...by the skilled employment of nuancing, according to the highly-articulated bonnie greer - who would presumably also have used nuancing to effect a resounding vote-of-confidence in the chancellorship of adolf hitler, with the exception obviously of those terribly embarrassing occasions when he would just insist on siegheiling and goose-stepping, ad nauseum. although, to be fair to bonnie, let's not forget: herr hitler did wear that awfully nice uniform in a most attractive shade of brown...
...and whilst we're on the delicate subject of the existential anguish provoked by championing the cause of a problem, yet meantime performing bi-polar gymnastics to condemn the effect...may i mention, by-the-by, that forking out half-a-million pounds of tax-payers' dosh...on a propaganda-painting which illustrates what jolly nice people we british really were despite simultaneously being slave-traders...is pure and utter bollocks...and in no way conducive to the promotion of national mental health.
oh please, please...bring back our old bonnie who, at the least excuse for a protest, would have been champing to strip-off starkers and superglue her tongue irretrievably up david dimbleby's arsehole.
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7 comments:
bonnie getting the obe? ok...that's cool man...they can give her the one that i refused and save on government expenditure.
well actually you know, i've been appointed a trustee of the british museum, and there's a whole bunch of african artefacts hidden in the basement which need liberating into the public domain...so basically, me and kwame kwei-armah have cooked up a cunning plan to smuggle them all out to lagos...and flog them back to their rightful owners. oh yeah guys...this whole conscious concept of root-re-affirmation is just metamorphosing into one big beautiful spiritual trip man.
of course, what you completely fail to mention, spark up, is that, under obama's racially-recessional regime, mr mozart would have been afforded the opportunity of crafting his art unburdened by the political prejudice engendered by his eccentric choice of a non-eurocentric religion, and, thanks to an admirageable health care plan being in situ, would almost certainly have gone on to become one of the most successful musicians of his generation. and/or would've got a decent burial an' all.
hello my darlings...it's a barely acknowledged fact, but did you realize that the music for that quaint wee old-time english nursery rhyme eenie meenie minie mo was actually written by mozart, and derives from rhythms of black origin? yes indeedy...the story goes that herr amadeus went on tour in the gambia in order to investigate the traditional oral harmonic practices of the local female talent, and upon his return to europe, astonished his friends by transcribing, note for note, from memory, every single last known tune ever composed by any african ever on the whole wide african continent - just the one, apparently. in fact, after years of wicked racist suppression of the oral tradition, the truth is finally coming to light...yes, that's right children, researchers have now ascertained that, had not mozart picked up this dainty ditty and, as a gesture of his gratitude, returned the favour by teaching the africans how to jam, improvize, extemporize upon, and generally jazz-up their charming little mesmeric melody, the repertoire of music of black origin would not be the vast vibrant polytechnic cadenza of shrilling sloshing sound which stops us getting a good night's sleep today. well, you know, really...it's just so amazing how a deeper and more afro-forensic appreciation of history can change one's view of the modern contemporary civilization in which we live...and helps us to savour its wonderfully multi-ethnic heritage.
03:42
quite bonnie...a study funded by the equality and human rights commission has made parallel findings in respect of the notorious """'n'"""-word - i can report that, after years of painstaking research, a team of etymologists at the university of glasgow have now unearthed conclusive proof that the roots of the word, like humankind itself, can be traced back to the african rift valley, where (in a now extinct proto-bantu language) some very naughty words indeed were invented by a man who incautiously squatted down to take a dump in an asps' nest. having quickly entered the local lexicon of popular expletives, one particularly cherished idiomatic expression was lovingly passed down from generation-to-generation, father-to-son, until, like everything else with any inherent value which came out-of africa, it was unceremoniously nicked by the white man, and given a currency way beyond the dreams of its original creator. so obviously, all we have to do now is trace the modern-day descendants of the cunt who coined "it" and slap them with a multi-billion-trillion dollar claim for reparations.
may i mention, by-the-by, that forking out half-a-million pounds of tax-payers' dosh...on a propaganda-painting which illustrates what jolly nice people we british really were despite simultaneously being slave-traders...is pure and utter bollocks...and in no way conducive to the promotion of national mental health.
yeah, i hear that the effete and elite of the black british establishment are simply flocking to donate to the emergency appeal set up to keep the historically-significant portrait of ayuba suleiman diallo where it belongs, in the united kingdom - in fact, i'd go as far as to say that the communal constellation's conscious response is positively overwhelming me with emotion. as i was telling christie's just the other day, the painting provides incontrovertible proof that slavery was ultimately a force for good...and has been in my family ever since i knocked it up in the shed at the bottom of the garden a few weeks back. could turn out to be a nice little earner, i reckon...although, unfortunately, my neighbour's son, micky, is now insisting on a cut for posing as model, the cheeky little rascal.
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