spark up! exclusive: revolutionary intellectual bonnie princess greer claims mozart was muslim suicide-bomber

in a highly controversial outburst, bonnie greer (recently awarded the order of the british empire in recognition of her piss useless attacks on the establishment) has revealed that the celebrated composer, wolfgang amadeus mozart, was in fact a radical islamic jihadist who came to a blinding crescendo then blew himself up - a remarkable new finding which turns on its afro the hitherto accepted body of historical scholarship, carried out by literally scores of eminent musicologists, that has always indicated the manic maestro to have been, in all probability, either the initiate of a traditional polytheistic niger-congo religion whose followers hold sacred the ewe dual-deity, mawu-lisa, or, alternatively, a worshipper of the androgynous god, vonda, revered by the fon people of benin, and, notwithstanding the exact nature of his religious beliefs, to have been simply the innocuous victim of a rather stubborn common cold.

tragically, however, and wholly irrespective of the true circumstances pertaining to the wonderful wolfgang's untimely demise, it must be stressed that an audience with ms greer is closely akin to the childhood experience of being taken by one's educatively over-stimulated parents to visit the grassfield site of the ancient battle of woodstock, only to meet with the profound disappointment of discovering the complete absence of any busty britannic babes bathing bare-assed in the lake, not-to-mention a distinct lack of hippies wandering 'round sporting a spear lodged in one eye-socket - for the good battleship bonnie, i'm afraid to say, has gracefully retired from political activism to knit woolly-worded tea-cosies custom-designed to keep the chilly winter-draughts out of babylon, her feminist views but out-of-fashion-accessories left shunned and moth-balled in the closet, her faux exibition-outrage over the senselessly-slaughtered guts of innocent afghan families serving as little more than morally-perished knicker-elastic. now how can one support president obama without supporting the clear and present policies of neo-colonial suppression which, in countries such as afghanistan, and pakistan, the selfsame gentleman justifies in the name of self-defence? well err...umm...by the skilled employment of nuancing, according to the highly-articulated bonnie greer - who would presumably also have used nuancing to effect a resounding vote-of-confidence in the chancellorship of adolf hitler, with the exception obviously of those terribly embarrassing occasions when he would just insist on siegheiling and goose-stepping, ad nauseum. although, to be fair to bonnie, let's not forget: herr hitler did wear that awfully nice uniform in a most attractive shade of brown...

...and whilst we're on the delicate subject of the existential anguish provoked by championing the cause of a problem, yet meantime performing bi-polar gymnastics to condemn the effect...may i mention, by-the-by, that forking out half-a-million pounds of tax-payers' dosh...on a propaganda-painting which illustrates what jolly nice people we british really were despite simultaneously being slave-traders...is pure and utter bollocks...and in no way conducive to the promotion of national mental health.

oh please, please...bring back our old bonnie who, at the least excuse for a protest, would have been champing to strip-off starkers and superglue her tongue irretrievably up david dimbleby's arsehole.

boris de bastard vows to ornament the perimeter of parliament square with a filigree lattice of anti-renaissance razor-wire-sculpture

following a judicial ruling to bulldoze democracy village from the face of parliament square (and a swiftly conducted opinion-poll), sheriff of london, boris johnson, has stood by his convictions and given his word, as a complete and utter bastard, to restore westminster's own emerald isle to its former glory and its former freeholder, her majesty the queen of england and other places. david "the dachshund" cameron has chipped-in and pledged a battalion of one thousand ground-troops, armoured-assault-vehicles, plus air-support (including the latest high-spec apache helicopters), to drive the soviet-backed crypto-crusty insurgency from the capital's beleaguered public camp-site. in a brief interview with spark up!, bad boris complained that, thus far, the protest had cost the tax-payer over £250k in court and clean-up costs - money, he said, which would have been far better spent blowing the little arms and legs off afghan children, with astronomically expensive american cluster-bombs.

spark up! continues to defend the right of all-comers to play cricket, according to fair rules, upon the green of parliament square - but i feel it my patriotic duty to point out that, although the place does now rather appear to have been degraded to a pétanque patch by the revolting revolutionaries, we obviously cannot have any fancy fromage-fumed frenchies fannying around with fanatically-polished cannon-balls on our sacred-site, can we?

spark up! exclusive: cameron to ban wearing of trousers at half-mast

i supppose this could be the conservative party's fox-hunting moment

western intervention in somalia causes carnage across africa

the above headline may not be strictly true today, but continued american and british interference in somalian politics could lead to a contagious continental civil-war spreading 'across africa' tomorrow - it would inevitably develop between followers of the two main proxy-religions to which africans have been exposed, islam and christianity.

when, in 2006, the united states and the united kingdom decided to employ their diplomatic muscle, their intelligence services, and armed forces, to destabilize and disintegrate the moderate and popularly accepted somalian umbrella party, the islamic courts union (at a time when somalians were emerging from years of destructive civil war and were firmly set on making peace amongst themselves), our malicious american and british governments also cynically enlisted (via the united nations) the support of western-puppeteered dictators such as president museveni in uganda. now kampala has been attacked -and our slaughter-happy manipulative leaders have achieved the result they always desired - a somalia plunged back into the eternal abyss of catastrophic internal conflict, the mutilated corpses of murdered ugandan civilians splattered right across the world's television screens (although not, of course, the bodies of the many thousand somalian dead), and a grotesquely manufactured excuse to invade a muslim country previously disinterested in islamic extremism, where there pre-existed no so-called 'al qaeda' elements with any credible independent local powerbase. al-shabaab, the splinter-group which has claimed responsibility for the ugandan bombings, has only been pushed to the fore since 2006, when western-backed forces intervened in somalia. the terrorists-of-the-moment, whose dipping hands are indelibly dyed with the blood of these unsuspecting ugandan football-fans, are known as david cameron and barack obama, and they intend to use somalia as yet another launch-pad to effect total war against iran and the wider middle-east - for the sake of innocent men, women and children in both the middle-east, and africa, and here at home in the capitals of our western moral-wilderness, we simply cannot allow such an outrageous plan to accumulate endorsement.

spark up! fully backs the campaign to occupy parliament square until these genocidal wars are abandoned. the wars perpetrated and precipitated by american and european powers in the middle east, africa, and in many other corners of the globe, are a gross and horrendous abuse of the united nations' legislature and international law - these immoral wars aim to annihilate all basic human rights and aspirations of common decency. this is not democracy, and this is certainly not cricket. spark up! defends the right of all-comers to play cricket, according to fair rules, upon the green of parliament square - until such time as our governments cease to indulge in the murderous enslaving pursuits of protectionism, interventionism, and exploitation across the face of god's earth. amen.

spark up! artspy exclusive: punch-up in paradise

stop press:

after extensive undercover investigation spark up! is now in a position to reveal that a certain london-born comedienne (whose precise identity i cannot possibly reveal for reasons of personal security and sanity) has infiltrated her troupe of halfwit actors (plus production crew) into the notorious peace-cramp in parliament square. desperate for a hit series, miss x is currently attempting to shoot scenes of a somewhat salacious nature right beneath the noses of our ruling arses.

each episode will apparently culminate carry on-cum-rab c nesbit-cum-asterix-style in a barbaric brawl between rival peacenik factions.

one leitmotiv of the show will be a continuous game of cricket played rain-or-shine between teams of protesters representing opposite ends of the political spectrum. the match will, i am told, be constantly interrupted by umpire plod, who will be constantly inspecting the pitch for evidence of vandalism, and will feature (following her recent resoundingly successful, nay mould-breaking, portrayal of a batty eastender, in the soap-operetta eastenders) the widely acclaimed and multi-talented actress tameka empson, who will perform a cameo-rôle as stump. indeed, spark up! managed to snatch a short interview with the effusive miss empson, who excitedly let slip that she "couldn't wait to be banged in the hallowed-turf right in the middle of the green".

with a bit of luck they'll all get thrown in the slammer and the streets of london will be a safer place for us all...

...basically because the government bully-boys will have shot themselves straight in the fucking foot - leaving the anti-war movement to score a huge publicity coup.

we just can't have our national treasures treated in this way, now can we? i think even the ministry of defence knows it's onto a hiding to nothing against millions of enraged eastenders fans.

top dodge

spark up! notes, with some interest, that the only local authority to feature amongst guido fawkes' top 100 readership sources is the london borough of hackney - which appears, as a bedraggled political rose, amongst a veritable bouquet of elite intellectual and financial institutions. is the conservative paul staines rigging his traffic stats via a notoriously corrupt labour server?

the spark up! post-slag: worrying under-representation of golliwogs in national chain-store

to: trevor phillips obe (chairman - equality & human rights commission)

from: xxxxx xxxx (spark up!)


dear sir trevor

i today visited the build-a-bear workshop, a soft-toy retail-outlet located at covent garden north piazza, london wc2e 7qa, and, despite observing a preponderance of flamingos, bears, pandas and the like, was most concerned to note the conspicuous lack of golliwogs on sale there. as you can imagine, i felt immediately compelled to enquire about this scandalous situation and approached a bear-salesperson in order to ascertain whether the afore-mentioned establishment's policy on golliwogs was, indeed, more a case of positive selection, rather than negative omission - however, in response to the question, "do you have any golliwogs in stock?" the assistant blurted out: "i don't exactly know what a golliwog is, but if it's what i think it is, no!" well, leaving aside the deplorable state of affairs whereby, in this day and age, an employee in such a line of business can be wholly ignorant of the existence of the golliwog, nay, utterly unable to identify one, i feel duty-bound to point out that the weight of circumstancial evidence collected at the build-a-bear workshop constitutes a prima facie case of gross discrimination against the beleaguered cuddly toy formerly known-and-loved as "golly", the child's bosom bedtime-companion. moreover, i am sorry to say, i cannot build, for this company, a specious defence based upon the notion, for example, that the build-a-bear workshop only sells the teddy bear and nothing but the teddy bear - for, as i have already communicated, i distinctly remember beholding furry flamingos and pekingese pandas strutting their stuff upon the display-shelves. i am thus presented with no other option but to conclude that there is in play, purely-and-simply, a pre-meditated marketing-plan which aims to intentionally exclude the traditional afro-caribbean playmate from the shop-premises - a decision which has deliberately left the continent of africa woefully and disgracefully under-represented in the build-a-bear workshop, and which has left me flabbergasted. (a decision, incidentally, which seems all the more astonishing in light of the fact that the museum of childhood in bethnal green, london, displays the renegade minstrel as an heroic role model)

i trust, sir trevor, that you will deal with this matter expeditiously and expediently, using the full gravity of your office.

yours sincerely


xxxxx xxxx


ps:

i beg you forgive my failure to supply a full address and my employment of a pseudonym - you will appreciate that whilst conducting my undercover-operations as a crusader against racial inequality, i have found the adoption of anonymity to be essential, as this genre of work is highly perilous and can, unfortunately, provoke completely unwarranted reprisals.

shock result: extensive fifa research in south africa proves conclusively that englishmen possess a superior 'soccer gene' which nigerian men do not

'nuff said really...

300 not out

it's just not cricket to bomb civilian men, women and children in a “broken 13th-century country”. fuck off fox.

lola adesioye: miss dangerous...or dangerous miss?

spark up! responds to the following huffington post article (concerning pope benedict xvi's notorious pronouncement that africans should not use condoms) by lola adesioye :

message to the pope: leave africa alone and go back to italy asap

whilst i commend lola on dogmatically biting into the pope's bollocks and refusing to let go, i feel she must be criticized for ignoring the huge impact upon african aids-transmission-rates which has been historically created by under-funded western medical-care programmes and the inevitable consequential unauthorized use of unsterilized medical equipment - a sorry situation which is explored here in a blogpost which draws conclusions based upon the medical reviews of dr david gisselquist, which are listed here.

spark up! exclusive: michelle mopslop demands right to reply

here at spark up! we pride ourselves on our impartial and unbiased reporting of all matters, especially those which concern the president of the united states of america, mr barack obama. accordingly, we have allowed mr obama's american wife, michelle mopslop, the opportunity to respond to allegations of presidential insouciance with regard to the continued enslavement, exploitation and slaughter of african people by western corporations - criticisms which were, of course, contained within a piece written by michelle obarnickel, mr obama's british wife, which was published on spark up! on thursday.

mopslop said she couldn't be arsed to write anything, so i had the inestimable honour of conducting a telephone interview during which she basically expressed no desire to opine upon how hardship in africa is aggravated by political decisions made in the white house - but was extremely keen to point out that she "knew nothing" about the president having any "british bitch", the "bitch" was essentially a "big fat ugly lying dirty black british bitch", and the president couldn't have been up to anything anyway because she'd had the cia install a snake's-eye camera in the end of his doo-da through which she and her mum monitored all barack's motions night-and-day, "so fucking there".

spark up! shock exclusive: comment censored by cia from huffington post

on just her first day of contributing, michelle obarnickel, president barack obama's shunned second wife, a jamaico-briton, has been unceremoniously blocked from commenting on the huffington post - the internationally-celebrated blog, second only in world-rankings to your own dear, beloved, spark up!

unconfirmed rumours of a covert cia operation to gag michelle obarnickel are now orbiting the globe at supersonic-speed. white house officials deny "any involvement" by michelle mopslop, president obama's super-controlling first wife, an afro-american, in the scandalous affair.

we are greatly honoured and thrilled that michelle has approached us (in tears) here at spark up! and have naturally jumped at this unique opportunity to publish the full unexpurgated dirt below:


comment by michelle obarnickel in response to an article by harry shearer entitled:


a word to bp shareholders


i hate to be the one to break this to you, harry, i really do, but barack obama was set up by the cia to sanitize the bloody-war crap, the economic-crash crap, and the environmental-polution crap, which was left behind by the republicans - all this whilst soiling his own reputation in the process. the current president is a single-term skittle, deliberately poised to be bowled-flat, for maximum points, leaving the deck cleared for republicans to re-rack and start a new game. unfortunately for the cia, it chose to enlist the assistance of the nigero-centric african-american mafia to facilitate their fall-guy's accelerated ascension to power, and, having rumbled the conceited agency's rotten ruse, a tiny kernel of black intellectuals configured their own power-play - they rustled up a slick saboteurial sub-scheme whereby african-americans would sneak in first, strike out the pretentious president's hypocritical humanist values, accrue maximum black-political capital, and leave white-liberal america blushing bare-assed at the home-plate, in front of stands packed-full with gob-smacked republican spectators.

now that's exactly where we are today - we have a black president administrating a neo-colonial empire, on behalf of white american liberals. this protectionist, interventionist, exploitative african-american president has hardly visited africa, let alone done anything to free black africans from suffocating international trade-agreements designed to keep white americans in the manner to which they are accustomed. middle-class white americans continue to profit from 'equities' in corporations which leave african and middle-eastern countries mutilated by war and environmental sacrilege: congo cobalt and copper = 10 million dead (this decade alone), iraqi-afghan oil = x million dead (and never mind the poppy or arms trade). the crux of this problem is encapsulated in the niger delta region, nigeria, where oil-spills and gas-flaring have been destroying lives, livelihoods and essential natural environment, day-in, day-out, for decade-upon-decade, yet these daily events never make the headlines in the united states of america - whose cosseted citizens reap the benefits, whilst in the commercial capital, lagos, nigerians do not even have a constant electricity-supply sufficient to light their homely-shacks...and gasolene is at a super-inflated premium.

so now the republican oil-giants have launched a suicide attack against their own country, and they want the democrats to clear up the mess, or pass the buck on to the british - laugh? i nearly pooed myself. well i am british, and i'm sick to death of the cia arrogantly assuming it can appoint our prime ministers and interfere in our political process (against our will), and i'm sick of the united kingdom doing the cia's dirty work, and i'm sick of the other michelle and the cia usurping, repressing and intimidating the british blogging scene for their own (american) ends - so go find someone else to suck on your filthy pipe.

you see, i'm barack obama's other (black british) wife, and i know that, no matter how deeply black people around the world despise his callous political prejudice towards africa (and believe me they do, with a vengeance), they will only assassinate my husband with their barbwire-tongues...but when his ridiculous sham civil-righteous stance becomes an outright embarrassment to white americans, he will be removed, rapidly...by whatever means necessary - and that is why i want my man to resign this untenable preposterous position with immediate effect, on health and safety grounds, because i love him, and i love our children, dearly. god save africa. amen.


update 17.06.01, 17.00hrs:

the huffington post has finally relented and published michelle's heart-rending plea for human rights for african-african humans - it goes without saying that spark up! takes absolutely no credit for bringing pressure to bear on the huffington post's arse in order to ensure that the true story of american corporate cannibalism was promulgated stateside.

decade bloody decade

£195 million to investigate one afternoon of british brutality - no wonder the british government cannot countenance an inquiry into the iraq, afghanistan and pakistan wars...

barack obama: the african-american president who avoids africa like the black plague

ignoring his unhistoric gob-stop in egypt where he tried out some new mouthwash on the muslims, obama has made only one flying-trip to a truly black african nation - the grateful hosts on that occasion of high-security, cia-street-cleansing, and cranked-up-media-momentum, being the west-cosy ghanaian government of president john atta mills. indeed, at the time he granted his ground-snogging visitation to mother africa's bosom, obama made it diamond-clear that he would not be staging further presidential-manifestations upon african soil unless the local ruling governments in question met the strict cock-sucking requirements laid-down by his united states' administration - the sole exception to this stipulation being when united states' forces had previously occupied that particular country, secured all tourist attractions, and swept the safari park.

of course, the real reason for mr obama's shyness in materializing in the mummy-continent is the multitude of highly-fucked-off muslims and other assorted anti-arrogant-asshole africans, who realize (either by the grace of having watched islamic afghan families splattered on prime-time telly, or having engaged in fruitless attempts to sell crops to the usa, or having had the minerals pulled out from under their very feet by cia-armed warlords) that this protectionist, interventionist, extractionist president does not give a toffee about africa, and would like to pop him - before the place is suffocated, slaughtered and sucked-dry by his political profiteering.

no doubt, mr obama may soon be dropping-in to support his soccer team in south africa, safe in the knowledge that there are lots of lovely white people living there who own all the nice bits - i do, however, have it on good authority that he is praying to god almighty for the stars 'n stripes squad to be eliminated early, this being a result which would excuse him from sitting through 90 minutes of tedious soccerball in a stadium-fit-for-snipers.

spark up! exclusive: bp (blow-pipe) unlimited - the facts behind the fuck-ups

at the core of one of their trademark unsubtly-synchronized damage-limitation exercizes, the british mainscream media are trotting out one of their sloppiest stories ever: how the bp oil-spill has polluted the anglo-american 'special relationship' - you know, what with bp being a 'british' company 'n all. well, well...i'm sure that my esteemed 'n educated readers (tom and dick) will have spotted straight-off that bp plc is, in reality, a multi-national enterprise which trades shares on stock-markets around the globe, and, after a cursory blink at the company's wikipedia entry, they will have realized, like i, that supernova bp is a concern native to iran - a fact which may go an awful long way towards explaining president obama's current hostile relationship with this slimy shower's board of directors, despite their generous donations to democratic party funds, and the fact that roughly 40% of the shareholders are americans (the other 60% being split 40:20 between britons and penguins respectively). to be fair, this ownership-profile reveals bp as the mother-cunt-fucking epitome of the incestuous relationship between the united states and great britain. anyway, even though bp's tax-return is basically paying the guy's wages, obama still persists with the view that the blotch formerly known as the anglo-persian oil company is actually a british sub-branch of al qaeda - a view which, as it turns out, is totally incorrect.

as regular spark up! readers will undoubtedly have guessed, the origins of the deepwater horizon cowboy-plumbing extravaganza are not to be found in iran, nor in alaska (where bp last dumped), nor indeed in bp's super-downsized health and safety department (which is rumoured to consist of an ancient and yellowing no-smoking notice informally blu-tacked to the door of a deserted shack located someplace in death valley, california), but are to be discovered on mr obama's very own doorstep, in downtown kingston, jamaica, at the official residence of president spudus of the unknown underworld. spark up! special investigators have ascertained that the strange fuse of occurrences, which alledgedly lit the explosion in the gulf, began when the president was on vacation in miami, florida, and elected to pull into an amoco (bp) gas station with the simple and honest intention of tanking-up his swanky customized sports-utility-vehicle (bumper force one) with some of their high-grade merchandise. it apparently all kicked-off when, president spudus, being the man of breeding that he is, decided it appropriate to compliment the somewhat over-qualified lady-cashier upon the amplitude of her burgeoning bosoms - however it instantly transpired that the beleaguered buxomized black beauty did not require further endorsement of her upholstery beyond the 1088 lovingly crafted commendations which she had already received on that very day alone, and reading the premonitions in his palm's-eye, brazenly grabbed his bills (to pre-empt premature palpitation), but blankly refused to give him the nectar points he desired on his bp ultimate club key tag, a situation which distressed the president greatly, as he was very fond of collecting the maximum possible number of loyalty points for his account.

on returning to his homeland, the president retired to his conical office and pondered the irritating incident which had cast a shadow over his break in the subject states - and upon reflection, he decided that, he had, in all likelihood, over-stepped the mark on the breast-front, and had, in all ignorance, probably breached local custom and traditional protocol regarding such occasions, and holding this thought firmly in his head, the president took it upon himself, following all the correct procedures and channels, to contact the chief executive of bp, make full his apology and, in the process, hopefully get his nectar points re-instated. as one would expect, when dealing with a person of such lowly status as mr tony hayward, the commuting time for emails was rather lengthy, nevertheless, after a few months, the president was eventually rewarded with a reply - unfortunately, the language of the message was rather rude, and addressed neither the offended bust-matter, nor the summarily withheld nectar points. the president, being a reasonable and mild-tempered fellow, made one last attempt to resolve the cultural misunderstanding, and despatched a final proposition, wherein he detailed that, if the traumatized lady in question would care to accept, by way of apology, an expensive candlelit dinner for two at a classy oceanside miami grille, he would be quite agreable to receiving one of those jazzy green 'n yella bp t-shirts as commensurate compensation for his elusive nectar points - particularly as the garment's colour scheme reminded the president of his own national flag. tragically, mr hayward plumped to respond in the most brusque of manners - opining that he didn't 'give a fancy-fuck about some two-bit amoco attendant's humongous hooters' or how they felt, and also ventured to suggest that the logo-design of the shirt would not 'show off' the president's 'delightfully dark skin tone' to its 'best advantage'. naturally, as readers can only imagine, the president was devastated by the chief executive's etiquettical cataclysm, but chose, in that peculiar jamaican way, to keep his thoughts to himself (namely, that mr hayward's public relations advisor would definitely benefit from rapid retraining from the contents of a mac-10 machine-pistol magazine). i daresay i need hardly mention that, on the following morning, the president took out his speedboat for a long leisurely fishing-trip, happened, during his cruise, upon a conveniently sited semi-submersible offshore exploratory drilling rig (owned by bp), stopped to nyam on his jerk-chicken lunch, got into jovial conversation with some of the oilfield-workers on the platform, and carelessly flicked the butt of a blazing spliff down the main drillshaft. the rest, i believe, is history - and quite a costly mess.

for the reasons outlined above, i would explain to mr obama, were i ever to have that extremely dubious pleasure, that 99% of britons have about as much in common with bp plc as they have with a suitcase jammed-out with 100 billion dollars' worth of semi-hard us currency. furthermore, i sincerely hope that this unfortunate little turn of events will not deter michelle from doing t with the queen, as t says he always enjoys these parties immensely. as for the upcoming soccer match between the usa and england, i trust and pray that junior ball-boy cameron picks the football out of the net less times than chief ball-boy obama - because, as an englishman, but a fairly flippant soccer fan, i deeply resent obaman-cia interference in the political process of the country where i have washed up. spark up's prediction? that the special relationship and bp have suffered a fatal farcical stroke of rotten luck.

since the fall of the labour government, the bbc has started to report pakistani civilian deaths by (american) drone

is the labour party's new anti-war stance simply a cynical socialist ploy to swipe back power at the next election? or does this mean the beginning of the end of britain's 'special relationship' with the united states? or do labour party chiefs believe that obama really intends to withdraw american forces from the middle-east?

since the fall of the labour government, the social organism "peace camp" has carpet-colonized parliament square like a mouldy-cultural moss: why now?

i wonder what super-campaigner, brian haw, thinks of his new companions, the fresh-faced goretex guerillas who have suddenly swamped him with designer peace 'n love?

call me a cynical cunt...but this japing-jamboree stinks of a socialist stunt planned to coincide with the labour party's sudden renunciation of its war on wogs and the (rather rambling) rise to power of a conservative-led coalition government. so tell me: where has this bunch of lefty rentaspyder protesters been hiding its collective bushel for the last eight fucking years? a weeny bit shy perhaps? or maybe embarrassed to condemn fashion-world icons blair, mandelson, brown and company for their string of crimes against humanity in the middle east?

yes, the current intake of pseudo-hippies is slick-and-suavely devaluing the ever-vigilant thorn of brain haw and his faithful smattering of sustainers.

but i would be failing in my duty if i did not mention the likes of david cameron, nick clegg and boris johnson, the bastard barbarian trinity, who, undaunted by this self-anti cardboard charade, are now in the process of taking dainty legal steps onto the demo-demolishing dancefloor of justice wearing nought but their high-laced hobnail boots - in preparation, one assumes, for a pristine performance of the nutcracker suite. the audience will soon be entertained as, in its traditional tidy-tory way, the new orderly brush sweeps parliament square clean of the wheat and the chaff; socialism and conservatism orchestrated by liberalism in perfect harmony - to grind the protesting-organ of brian haw into a breakfast-bowl of prairie-dust.

we have not seen such a corrupt coalition of co-ordonance since the early 1990s, when the conservatives, together with their american and european allies, treated the beleaguered people of bagdhad to the hail-storm of all batterings.

can obama help bp staunch the oil spill?

not unless they stuff the cunt down the pipe and use him as a fucking plug

operation pussy's paw

...so now the americans are threatening to invade any country seen to have played a walk-on role in the christmas day fireworks accident...any excuse goes now, it seems...giving a white woman a look a little longer than the laws of lewdness allow will soon constitute grounds for justifiable genocide...under international law, naturally...better safe than sorry, hey mr president?

umar farouk abdulmutallab is a nigerian citizen, but given that the republic of nigeria is regarded by americans as no more than a crude black oil-oozing hole, it is unlikely that the other 150 million citizens of the commercial centre of non-aparteid africa will suffer the fate of, say, afghanistan or iraq...because a war would only disturb the old-time western petrol-thieves who are already in place, siphoning off the nation's assets with the all-expenses-paid approval of yar'adua's political elite...and anyway, the nigerian peoples have previously been colonized by the british, and therefore wouldn't take too kindly to being interfered-with, again.

well what about yemen? well what about it? well, those guys are fucked, i'm afraid. mr abdulmutallab visited the sole republic of the arabian peninsula (believed to be the historic exit-route taken by homo sapiens when flying the nest of africa in the quest for world colonization) and was allegedly 'encouraged' in his quest to blow his bollocks off with a roman candle...but in all probability it was due to the fact that:-

on orders from President Barack Obama, US warplanes fired cruise missiles at what officials in Washington claimed were Al Qaeda training camps in the provinces of Sana’a and Abyan on December 17, 2009. Other reports suggest that the airstrikes were carried out by Yemeni Mig-29 aircraft, probably helped by US intelligence, or that cruise missiles were launched from warships offshore. Officials in Yemen said that the attacks claimed the lives of more than 60 civilians, 28 of them children. Another airstrike was carried out on December 24.

from wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, 7th january 2010.

i daresay, umar farouk abdulmutallab was treated most hospitably by his friends in yemen, and, shunned by the americanized-society into which he was born, felt irretrievably provoked when american missiles gate-crashed those same dear friends' family homesteads. perhaps mr abdulmutallab was also flying high on qat when he sought to make his grand exit.

...and finally we come to the united kingdom of great britain & northern ireland - where, in the capital city of london, mr abdulmutallab is believed to have been recruited by the mythical al qaeda (less an actual organisation, more a label slapped by americans on any group or individual opposed to the western hegemony). indeed, many members of the united states' administration are currently expressing deep concerns over the islamo-fertility of british soil - yet the islamic fundamentalism which flourishes here is mainly due to the fact that, in keeping with obaman theology, we religiously shit on muslims and the communities in which they put down their roots.

one would expect, then, american marines to begin parachuting into hyde park at any moment? but they won't, of course - for the united states of america has been gradually taking executive-control of our green and gullible land for many years, and it's all over now, bar aretha franklin singing the star-spangled banner at the state opening of parliament.


*************************************************************************************


how did i formulate this brash theory? here are some of my personal experiences - feel free to join the dots:

a few years back, after i had started to publish work on the internet, i was approached by a schoolmistress who, it transpires, had personal and political affiliations with david lammy, member of parliament for tottenham & minister of state for higher education & intellectual property. this woman enjoyed engaging me in political discussion, primarily on the subject of education and she later turned out to be an avid obama campaigner. after a couple of months our paths parted and we never met again.

from around the time i met the schoolteacher, my mobile telephone was bugged - with the result that my movements were tracked and all my conversations, both on and off the phone, were subject to surveillance. in addition, computers which i was in the habit of using were also hacked into.

also during this period, i telephoned an ex-colleague, who is a civil servant and who has links with tottenham - we had not met for many years, but she was able to quote excerpts from pieces which i had written on a blog. she gave no explanation for doing this.

i was next befriended by several different women, all of whom i am now certain to have been involved in this snooping and aware of exactly what i was writing on-line. one of these 'agents', a british nigerian, hinted that she wanted me to comment on the guido fawkes website - she must have been closely associated with jocelyn jee esien, since an idea of mine, which i sent to her in a text message, appeared in the second series of little miss jocelyn. jocelyn jee esien is a celebrity known to back president barack obama.

another woman, who had strong links stateside, was aware of my intimate behaviour patterns, my blogging and appeared to have relationships with obama campaigners on both sides of the atlantic.

paul staines (owner of the guido fawkes website) has well-documented connections to the central intelligence agency in the united states and was a keen supporter of the war in gaza, january 2009.

david lammy married into the british establishment (his portrait-artist wife, nicola green, daughter of professor malcolm green, former head of the national heart and lung institute, has had work commissioned by such illustrious names as hannah rothschild), he was educated at harvard university, is president obama's no.1 man in the united kingdom and is a fully signed-up member of the 'war on terror' - the chances of him not having cia connections are extremely small.

the people named above, or their close personal friends, have all had the opportunity to contact influential members of the conservative party via the guido fawkes website - those whom i have met have tried to inform my political opinions and distract me from writing on the internet. i have also received anonymous emails which aimed to communicate approval, or disapproval, of my actions.

the guido fawkes website and messagespace (a blog-advertizing agency with which paul staines is affiliated) are owned by the same shady offshore company, global and general nominees.

my conclusion: the cia have been covertly involved in british political blogging, and therefore in a position to manipulate british political thinking and policy, for some years.

dear dave

despite maintaining a healthy official firebreak between your party and the uk's most popular political blog, it's now common knowledge that the guido fawkes website is a valued tool of the conservative party - prized tory property in which the upper echelons take both a secret pride and great interest, due mainly to the high level of political, economic and sociological analysis which crams out the comments sections and which is consumed obsessively by the cream of right-wing intelligensia. indeed, dave, i am sure that you and your top advisors are in the habit of consulting guido fawkes, together with other influential right-wing blogs, in order to inform your opinion and mould party strategy. unfortunately, however, herein lies a serious problem - because, on behalf of obama global and general slaughterhouses inc, a certain little miss jocelyn has been busy renting office space on all the major right-of-centre blogs and shitting out her cuckoo policies with gay abandon...for you to incubate, hatch and rear in the warm cozy nest of conservative central office...all in connivance with her buddy, president obama's number one man in great britain, david lammy mp, minster of state for business, innovation and skills...who, it is evident, has been wantonly moonlighting, instead of concentrating his energies on his constituency and governmental duties. so you see, i'm afraid you've been sold a dud dave - and the other david's been grooming you ready for the united states' president to take walkies...primarily to a war-crimes tribunal. in a nutshell, you've been reading the wrong stuff, dave - which probably explains why you currently advocate hunting down those deadly toddler al qaeda cells which covertly operate amongst the infant populations of muslim nursery schools...which probably explains why you intend to deploy eco-friendly tanks and cruise missiles in helmund province...and which probably explains why you wish to massacre one half of afghanistan's children in the hope of encouraging the other half to train to become doctors and nurses...to found a cutting-edge health service in their brand spanking new democracy...or they could, of course, choose to go to america and work for peanuts reforming the united states' health-care system...as a special favour to president barack obama...and be grateful for the life-changing experience...it's a free world, ain't it dave?

well maybe you're already well aware of this situation, dave, and quite comfortable with it too...after all, some of your closest cabinet confidants have been enjoying the lascivious pleasures of paul staines' notorious guido fawkes orgies, so i hear...and getting on fucking famously with little miss jocelyn's foxy sistas...in fact, they've all apparently ended up becoming quite intimate...and why not? let's big-up the technicolor dawn of a new age of multi-cultural conservatism as it flourishes unabashed in the fertile soil of this great and tolerant land where black and white are afforded an equal opportunity to hate the guts of muslims with all their hearts and minds and souls...not to mention their god-given might (especially the persuaders of fundamental christianity). tragically tho', dave, whilst no doubt being boosted by the fanatical emotional support of your cliquey cabal of fresh-found black extremist friends and finding faux-comfort in the cool companionship of your communal small-mindedness, i fear that you fail to appreciate the supreme nonchalance with which these deviant jokers let you and your kind send out ignorant white boys to slay innocent muslim civilians...and also their smugness on observing those same white boys returned home in ceremonial, nay celebratory, coffins - because, let's face it, slavery is, as yet, neither forgotten nor forgiven...saddam hussein was not renowned for his prominence as a stand-up comedian, so heed carefully his final dictum that western civilization would founder in the wastes of arabia - and remember that it would not only be he who would view with satisfiction that particular outcome...who knows...perhaps even obama himself is not averse to watching his honour-killing child-murdering christian soldiers leading us over the lip of the abyss...? and isn't the swag-president just as much a crack-pot christo-cuntric crusader as blair, or lammy, or our own dear little miss jocelyn?

yes dave, do the citizens of this country really pray for the members of yet another political family to cower under state police protection for the rest of their 'natural' lives? we certainly don't want to pay for it - of that i can assure you.

so i suppose that's about it dave...and if it's achieved nothing else, at least this letter has established who's wearing the political trousers in the englishman's conservative castle...and oh...that reminds me dave...just one thing...i know the queen gave you an introduction into conservative central office - did she swing the first-class honours degree for you too...?

your ever humble peasant


spark up


ps: riddle me this...how much do you know about the close associate of guido fawkes who carries out phone-tapping and other illegal surveillance operations on political bloggers? is he, or she, one of yours, one of the government's, one of lammy's, one of obama's, one of little miss jocelyn's, or one of staines'? or are all you perverted buggers at it? you know, it must be christmas.

dearest t

given that you do not read this blog, guido fawkes, old holborn, or call me ishmael, and you do not monitor my communications by hacking into my computer (let alone eavesdrop on my conversations and track my movements via a bug in my mobile telephone), i trust that the contents of this letter will cause you absolutely no offence whatsoever.

i cut short your last telephone call because you started to rant on about sinking 'this ship'. if you are going to push your magic red button and turn the world upside down, please proceed - and i will await reports of a wet fart occurring in a hurricane. you appear to have issues about power which manifest themselves in an acute complex about the size of your penis - a trait which i must confess i have always found rather unattractive in a woman.

please give my love and lots of kisses to mummy - if she wants me, she will have to catch me.

byee.

yours


l

brown: value for money?

now that gordon brown has chosen to appeal to the traditional values of hard-working british families, i can only assume that he considers these 'values' to include hypocrisy and the exploitation of illegal immigrants from countries colonized by unidealistic poverty. personally, i see absolutely no evidence of this prime minister's integrity; if he had truly wished the electorate to believe in him and his precious politics, mr brown would have sacked baroness scotland before wasting his words on a high-minded conference speech - but now, no-one of any worth will buy it. with all due respect: markets need to turn a profit, and politicians need morals (not the other way round you confused cunt).

carnival curfew: an early bedtime for multiculturalism

last year: police cut off the carnival music at 8pm and provoked a riot in notting hill.

this year: aside from advance-raids on the homes of carnival-goers who meet with their disapproval, the police are ensuring their revenge by stopping the parade at 6.30pm, in the shameless hope of provoking even greater civil disturbance - which will ultimately give the metropolitan police 'just cause' for closing the notting hill carnival down for good...

...and then we would witness the inevitable evolution of the illegal carnival - attendance at which would amount to a far more blatant political statement than participation in the current carnival, which, in connivance with a compromised community, is controlled and organised by a repressive police authority...well...6.30pm finish?...can't be a black people's party, can it? that's even a bit early for white people...

and where is trevor phillips* whilst his friends in scotland yard are cracking down on carnival with a horde of mounted troops that would have been the envy of genghis khan? he's sitting on his hands - when, by rights, he should be co-ordinating dawn busts on potentially pernicious and subversive promenaders ahead of their empirically british 'last night' at albert hall.

but fair play to him - trevor phillips is making a fine job of monitoring the content of this very blog thanks to his obama-backing, phone-bugging, pc-hacking, islamophobic associates in the guido fawkes hinterland.

*head of the equality and human rights commission

a tribute to president barack obama

for some obscure reason, there are people who assume that i am unhappy about the ascension of barack obama to the white house...but i am not...well...i felt in my heart-of-hearts that mr mccain cut a more genuine, warm and fatherly figure...and as a war-veteran could have made military decisions with more comprehension and compassion...and less rabid blood-lust...but in fact i am truly ecstatic that we finally have the first afro-american president of the u s of a...really...because now there truly is no black or white - just people who are either for or against this.

nice one barack.

slurping in the slime-trail of trevor phillips: kwame kwei-armah gets lost up love's blind alley

kwame kwei-armah looks up to barack obama as the father-figure of 21st century civil-rights' activism and seems to have stereotyped barack obama as a modern-day william tell. well mr kwei-armah, i hope you trust your saviour's aim, son, because playwrights who go round with their eyes screwed tight shut are fuck all use to anyone.

our obama moment on comment is free, guardian.co.uk, 6th november 2008:

"Kwame Kwei-Armah

I make my living with words, which as you might expect gives me the greatest respect for their power, resilience, sheer and almost exclusive contribution and exploration to that which I believe most worthy – but it also allows me to understand and respect their limitations. And this, the election of Barack Obama to the office of the most powerful person in the world, is one such moment where my facility for words can never, should probably never, capture what it is that is going on in my heart.

I don't think I even know what is going on in my heart. But as I left the shores of the United States on Monday night – where everyone's nerves were on show – and although I have always maintained cautious optimism when it came to believing in Barack's success, I found myself having to rebuke those nerves and hold onto the mantra, the now iconic mantra, "Yes we can". And yes we did.

I ran about my house at 4am, as I screamed and woke my children to the chant, "We have a black president". We? Who is we? I honestly thought that I may have been going mad – for the tears and the screaming just would not stop. No matter how much I tried to calm myself it just would not stop and I thought I was going to go insane with joy and pride as I hugged my 12-year-old son and he said, "Dad, we have a black president"; and as my 16-year-old son asked if I believed that would happen in my lifetime and I replied, "Yes, the moment I heard Obama's 2004 speech in Boston"; and as I listened to my daughter, full of sleep, say "I need to go to an Obama party".

I knew that deep in my heart, despite all my words, that maybe I didn't quite ever believe that I would see this day. But now I have – my only sadness is that his mother and father, and my mother, were not here to see this. What a day, what a sleepless day, but a magnificent day."

and so now the first black president has proved himself to be a dirty double-talking war-criminal, where's the criticism wanker?

the welfare state: bromide of the people

turns off society

celebrity nothing but the truth

i wonder whether obama-worshipping celebrities like jocelyn jee esien and chris rock were duped into supporting the current united states administration, and its war-crimes in the middle east, or whether they were always just ingrained islamophobic crusaders simply gagging to re-inforce the white man's prejudices, who found this presidency an irresistably golden opportunity to vent their repressed church-blessed hatred.

my money's on the latter option, but when, in time, barack obama's popularity fails and the gloss dross turns to disowning him, i suspect that cynical intellectuals such as jocelyn jee esien and chris rock will be claiming the former.

notice to readers: beware cheap imitations

i do hereby wish to declare that, i, spark up, have not commented on the guido fawkes bog-wall since early january - except once, as "spark up".

certifigate: latest update

here in the uk, we were perilously close to getting barack obama handed-down as our next prime minister (thanks to barack obama's claim to british citizenship through his father), but fortunately he has now been confirmed as an all-american toffee-apple (which never fell far from the tree) and they're stuck with him:

obama's father is communist frank marshall davis

obama's birth-certificate: the shit from the shat

spark up! can today reveal exlusively that rumours surrounding the authenticity of barack obama's birth-certificate (and confusion over the exact details of his nativity) are simply part of a complex disinformation campaign conceived by the cia and fbi. government operatives are working day-and-night to undermine a dastardly plot by the kkk to tell the president to "go back where he came from". special field-agent, mr i fakem, said, "we are doing our nuts trying to defend the big guy from these nasty jibes, and whilst there are people out there continuing to talk at liberty, there is always the serious risk that, one-day, one discordant little word will get through the ring of spiel and upset him irreconcilably - we, at the bureau, are confident, however, that our tactics of concealing the true facts about the president's country of origin should ensure that no-one directs him to piss off back there anytime soon".

between a rock and a hard-faced act

chris rock, former american comedian, has announced his retirement from ripping the living piss out of incumbent presidents of the united states - on the grounds that mr obama is the "comedian's worst nightmare" and 'too inspiring to make fun of' considering the fistful of dollars which he, chris, has personally delivered up-front into brother barack's campaign-fund, not-to-mention the embarrassment of faustian-factor-10 photo ops going begging on the white house lawn. of course, president obama is not only the comedian's "worst nightmare", but also the "worst nightmare" of every little boy and little girl living, or dying, in helmund province, afghanistan - and forgive my cynicism, but one is hard-pushed to believe that the ultra-quick-witted chris rock was ignorant of the contribution which he was implicitly making to the coffins of obama's real-death fighting-fund...

yes, in barack obama we have truly found an icon, a human-being who commands the innate spirituality to inspire men of all creeds and colours to sacrifice their meaningless lives for the everlasting glory of his unimpeachable name...ironically, by voting-in one of the most entrenched racists in recent history, the liberal citizens of the united states of america may have inadvertently taught the world a very very important lesson: racism does not a derive from the colour of a man's skin, but from the colour of his soul.

jocelyn jee esien bombs for obama

when recently reading stanislav on obama's humourless delivery of ordnance and worldly war-mongering words, i was rudely reminded of one of his british born girl-guards, jocelyn esien, who is, by-and-large, equally witless wotless and dependent on other people's material - which she slyly sub-sources and shamelessly passes off as her own original work. but leaving aside the murky state of miss esien's professional ethicity (rumours about which have surely led to her credentials as a writer coming under question and her little miss jocelyn series sliding soundlessly from bbc schedules), i would prefer to concentrate my ire on more serious affairs - jocelyn esien's emotional support for the casual killer of humanity, families and children, president barack obama, the american warhead in afghanistan, and first black man to make a complete cunt of himself in the white house. jocelyn esien ('jos jee' to her friends) is a remarkable actress with a veritable multiplication of personalities stashed in her walkabout wardrobe, yet she totally miscalculated when attempting to combine the role of celebrity political activist with conscious community support comedienne - this was just one face too many, i'm afraid. you see miss esien wants to preen like a queen in her celebrity sheen whilst licking the sweet splash of obalma glamour off her brazen body before it has even shied from trickling down the crack in her pertinently bare ass - she wants to pose uncriticized against the christylized gun-crime poster whilst bigging-up the macho gangster-man-murderer mr barack hussein obama. the seeping gang-blood of youth is really only a race-paint-prop for her carefully-staged career and her bank-rôle, playing a delinquently dark-hearted duo with the black-comedian-in-residence in the oval office, is no damn good example to impress on any succeeding ghetto generation - these two guys are actors, not models...and as the president continues to mercifully blast the unbleached brains out of young muslim girls who would otherwise have had to suffer a cruel lease of life without the benefit of a dog-standard democratic education, the hypocritical highlights of stars such as jocelyn jee esien will fade-to-dusk and be set to rest, fittingly, in the west wings of their horrific theatre of self-service. her epitaph: a latter-day leni riefenstahl, but not quite so funny. don't get me wrong, when time is inevitably called, i don't wish to see this bitter-barking talent put up against the wall and mown-down along with her 'muse', president obama, and accompliced terrorists mr anthony blair, prime minister gordon brown, and mr george w bush (one should make allowances for dozy feminists like miss esien), no, if justice is properly served, she will find herself in a dim dingy cell, her big gob locked-down for 24-hours-a-day between the concert-pitched thighs of a certain ms condoleeza rice, paying customary lip-service - although i fear she might well enjoy the strictures of this sanction just a little bit too much...well...one can but dream...for the meantime, i don't expect jocelyn esien to spew the obamatic bile of any projectile presidential satire our way anytime soon - the best we can hope for is probably some lame-gummed sketch about the white hand not knowing who the black one is feeling up...although this is a great pity as she could get away with (illegitimately harvested) lines of a more assassinatory nature on the fringe-boards. what we definitely can't expect is a true exposition of united states foreign policy - for example, the freewheeling vision of a perma-grin president obama bouncing an afghan baby's head off george bush's chest, dribbling it through hillary clinton's splayed legs, and slam-dunking it into osama bin laden's upturned throat...can we?

update:

it appears that the hackney post are conniving with jocelyn jee esien in an attempt to airbrush her infamous obama quote from history - so here it is for posterity:

"despite this foray into femininity, esien credits her comedy career to a series of male muses: jerry lewis, steve martin, jim carrey, eddie murphy, and one barack obama. “president obama,” she corrects herself quickly. “i feel disrespectful when i say barack. he has really, really, really inspired me. i’m pretending he’s my prime minister but he lives in another country.”"

old holborn maintains complete radio silence on news of the world phone-tap-dancing competition...

...together with all his contributors and commentators. i wonder why...?

and not even a peep about the metroploditan two-piece tea service's reluctance to sniff too deeply into the can. well there's a surprise...

this latter law-shyness presumably because: 1) the buggers are extremely careful not to leave any trace of their illegal invasions of private areas 2) bobbylon are not up to the job and 3) glass cop-shops are liable to splinter.

iain dale predictably plays a strait bat for callscum and cameprune. but skyed it...

guido fawkes revels in relief as yates strikes out...and his comment-gang-members (normally queuing round the bloc to brag about their infinite knowledge of every cunting thing under the sun) signally fail to share with the public their expertise on the digital intricacies and etiquettes of eavesdropping on the orgasms of the fat and famous...but disingenuously reveal how simple it is to crack the code of an unprotected voicemailbox. howzat? leg before wicket...


glossary

phone-tapping: a) a remote procedure practised by the insecure which involves listening to and recording the activities and conversations of others via the microphone of a mobile- or land-line regardless of whether the apparatus is in-use or on stand-by b) tracking an individual via the global positioning system utilized by mobile-handsets and c) monitoring of text-messages.

spying: installing spycams in a variety of venues frequented by a victim - including bedrooms and bathrooms.

intimidation: a seemingly chance acquaintance with someone who is ostensibly unfamiliar with any details of one's previous personal life yet oddly prone to dropping constant hints about intimate aspects of one's behaviour. warning: a regular pattern of intimidation may eventually develop into unveiled threats.

entrapment: where a victim is encouraged by an intimidator (see intimidation above) to perpetrate acts which may land the victim in hot-water.


for the record

no, i do not have any evidence that my phone, computer and premises were bugged whilst i commented on guido fawkes between march 2007 and january 2009 - nor do i have the know-how to carry out such surveillance techniques, i'm not even curious.


to softly go where the gutter-press has gone before

today the british blogosphere lost its voice of innocence as it silently gobbled on its own excrement.

positive discrimination now officially extinct

old holborn reports that positive discrimination in the uk is now extant as a museum exhibit only

...but still manages to get his knickers in a twist

what a warped old willy

the recessionary gene: a potty history for the fresh british immigrant

good sir, although your efforts at integration are most admirable, i do not think you guys fully appreciate the tragic history of trials and tribulations which we britons have had to endure whilst settling these blessed isles. we were originally forced to leave africa due to acute climate change, which resulted in severe deforestation and overcrowding, we then travelled thousands of miles, on foot, spent hundreds of thousands of years finding the fucking miserable dump, and, as if all that weren't enough, had to suffer the shame, indignation and acute psychological trauma of our skin turning white, our noses going pointy, our arses deflating, our eyes turning weird and freaky colours, our hair going all funny and straight then bleaching (or in serious cases even going bright bloody red), dropping a cock-size and getting nobbed by romans - all this whilst watching the rain piss down the whole year round. in fact, although we were not aware of this fact at the time, our terrible experiences triggered-off an extremely deep episode of tribal sociopathic psychosis which subsequently induced in us the overwhelming need to become evil murderous thieving raping profiteering cunts - a condition for which our five-century-long participation in the slave-trade, colonization and various acts of worldwide suppression and exploitation acted as a radical, yet progressive form of occupational therapy, which has, i am sorry to say, since been widely discredited. of course, i trust, in the circumstances, that you will understand our awfully embarrassing predicament to the extent that you might find yourself in a position to excuse our awfully bad manners around the globe of late, and i sincerely hope that i may rely on your utmost discretion in this matter. so...thanks for all your marvellous efforts anyway, but we are now investigating alternative healing avenues of a more holistic and practical nature, which go under the general classification of...'work' - take up for these courses of treatment is presently rather slow, but we are receiving some encouraging initial results and anticipate great demand in the coming months. now my only regret (and on this sensitive subject i must here admit to feelings of intense personal guilt) is that, despite inventing the rack, guns, nuclear missiles, and the inflated pigsbladder, we, as a race, never succeeded in concocting a fast and effective skin lightening cream for those unfortunate souls who have elected to follow in our footsteps - and for that unforgivable oversight...i must truly apologize...still...no-one's perfect, hey?...enjoy your stay!

the bankrupt budget: a guide to settling accounts

in my expert opinion, alastair darling would have done far more for the british economy on budget day had he produced from his briefcase an uzi sub-machine gun, cut down on 646 public expenses accounts, and then, as a grand finale, detonated his own savile row semtex-suit.

now there is in fact a peculiar logic to this radical financial rescue plan...because, having liquidated parliament, it would then be much harder for this country's creditors to recover their cash; you see, 60 million people are a lot more difficult to find than 646 - especially if we all hide. of course, the queen owns everything and signs everything - so we can always refer the bailiffs to her majesty's front door and thus be rid of two millstones around our necks with one good long stretch for criminal bankruptcy.

every dodgy businessman realizes that the insolvency court is the time-honoured way to get off scot free - why doesn't gordon brown? god knows who'd take over the bailed-out wonga warehouses - but fortunately bankrupts are not eligible as directors. imagine the headlines when the bank of england goes bust domino-style? that's going to be a tricky one to explain to the taxpayers.

if only the prime minister had let the banks collapse in the first place, it would have been a great blow for social equality and the government would have saved a bundle - instead we've all suffered a free-market currency devaluation, incurred massive public debts, and given the banks a huge handout, how very conservative.

in retrospect, why didn't brown punish the bad banks by closing them down, whilst compensating the depositors with the choice of investing elsewhere - we would still have been quids in. no, gordon brown wants our shrinking notes in his banks, and he wants our taxes too - he's obviously more into big business than public welfare. gordon's buying the mistress designer lingerie and leaving the wife with holey old baggies - it remains to be seen whom he'll fuck the most.

did messysplice slip staines mcsnide smegmails?

well don't ask me! i haven't a fucking clue! i just reckon it's a valid question, that's all; jag singh and alex hilton are having relations with the labour party...hilton fell out publicly with derek draper...the messageplacemen have vast blogging experience...it's not inconceivable that a concerned labour party member could have copied these emails to one of these splicechiks (for a cautionary glance)...and the irresistible lure of rocketing blogstats, publicity, money, and the chance to spring clean downing street, could well have got the better of him. i do however rate tim ireland's cock-up theory, wherein the emails were accidentally copied to a guido fawkes informer, perhaps jag singh or alex hilton - although the ultimate dream would of course be that the emails were indeed hacked and sent to messagespace, but the crime was craftily camouflaged to appear like a piece of classic draper incompetence...well if this was in fact the case, one can but wonder whether staines, singh or hilton were even aware that they were in receipt of stolen smut - not that i would wish to exonerate felons, mind. mmm...involuntary handling...is there a little imp at large?

newsflush: celebrity publicist stricken by freak double-eclipse

*flush*

rumours have begun to circulate that top publicist max deathorg may have tragically od'd. a hospital spokesman has revealed that events unfolded shortly after the usually irrepressible pr man received the sad news that one of his high-profile campaigns had been cruelly and inensitively upstaged by fate. mr deathorg is said to have been absolutely heart-broken and is reported to have complained of "some posh bird" stealing his main client's deadlines.

*end of flush*

in other unrelated news,

the missed-list:

millions of fans worldwide are mourning the sudden death of talented and beautiful tony-award winning actress natasha richardson who helped raise millions of dollars in the fight against aids. miss richardson, 45, was a trustee of the charity amfar - the foundation for aids research.

whilst in the uk, millions more anxiously await news of terminally-ill jade goody, the brave bouncy big brother celebrity, aged only 27, whose valiant battle against cervical cancer in front of the cameras has raised to an unprecedented level public-awareness of the killer disease - and the vital importance of regular cervical-screening.

the wouldn't-be-missed-list:

pope benedict xvi who, on a visit to cameroon, has proclaimed that condoms are not the solution to the aids crisis and would, in fact, "make matters worse". what an evil lying cunt. what "makes matters worse" is the universal poverty which prompts poor people to share razor-blades and re-use hypodermic needles (whilst faithfully participating in the medically-questionable western vaccination campaigns which almost certainly introduced aids into the african population in the first place); the unsterilized surgical equipment used in woefully under-equipped hospitals and dentists' surgeries is now known to be the main cause of the african aids epidemic - and widespread aids misdiagnosis, due to cheap substandard testing, has historically concealed a huge hepatitis and tuberculosis problem. abstinence mr pope? don't even go there you sad old patronizing wanker.

the three moskejeers (and dardazzathang)

i've developed that autocue disdain for all things messagespace that so many fellow citizens now reserve for muslims. it's very tedious, i know - unless you're the target of course.

article by alex hilton on labourhome:


A threat from a comrade


alexhilton Mon Feb 16, 2009 at 06:12:27 PM GMT Facebook


Today I got a disturbing and threatening phone call from a Labour member upset that I have a relationship with the Tory blogger Guido Fawkes.

Some time ago I set up a cross-party advertising system for political blogs called messagespace - and the ads on Labourhome are delivered through that system. Messagespace delivers ads onto I think about 40 blogs now from the very left to the very right. I no longer have any role in the company and own a small minority of shares in it - just 10%.
The reason for it being cross-party was that advertisers who had to be politically impartial could not advertise on a system that was wholly left wing.

This has been discussed on Labourhome in some depth a year ago.

More than my shareholding in Messagespace, I count Paul Staines (Guido) as a friend and I have many friend whose politics I disagree with. Some of them are Labour members.

Labourhome was never meant to be the Alex Hilton Ego Show and I'm very cautious not to post too often which I feel would make readers and writers think that there is an editorial line. I do have strong opinions on many subjects and this is just one of the places I express those opinions - but I wanted this to be a space where the entire breadth of Labour thought is welcome.

Now I won't say who has been threatening me because that would be unfair and I still hope he will change his mind. But I have been told that if I don't extract myself from Messagespace I will be painted as endorsing every offensive comment or article on the Guido Fawkes site, that of Devil's Kitchen, Iain Dale and every other right winger on the system.

I have been told that I don't have Labour values by owning shares in Messagespace though, frankly, I feel more guilty about not checking where my tiny pension pot is invested. I have been told that there will be a campaign to rubbish me in the Labour Party and this will inevitably reflect badly on Labourhome.

Now I really am not going to comment on who made this threat. What I would like is your views on whether I am wrong about my 10% ownership of Messagespace or my friendship with Paul Staines. I'm not saying I'm going to do anything different on the basis of your thoughts, I just felt that as you contribute to this site, you ought to be able to say in the open what you think and be able to hold me accountable.

Alex Hilton
alexhilton@gmail.com
07985 384 859


tim ireland (bloggerheads) got hold of the above offering like a dog with a new bone and made great play of paul staines' uncertain bankruptcy status - only to witness the entire post and comment-thread scratched silently from the labourhome website. other contributors helpfully pointed to the dangers of licking the arse of the worm-infested. but whatever the angle, mr hilton's conscience clearly felt the need to defend him.

then this from jag singh on labourlist:


Derek,

I intended to stay out of this fight between you and Guido/Paul, but you've personally involved me and it's time I speak frankly. Those of us who have been involved in online electioneering for far longer than you, can clearly see that you're taking us all down in to the gutter. We last spoke a few days ago (about Labourlist taking MessageSpace ads - an idea YOU brought up months ago, btw) and we were still talking about the possibility of Labourlist joining the MessageSpace network. Now you are attacking me.

I'm comfortable with MessageSpace's dealings with Guido - and here's why:

Last week I mailed a cheque for £500 to Tom Harris' Glasgow South Constituency Labour Party for the revenue accumulated from MessageSpace ads on his website. MessageSpace has never done so with an MP from another party.

Last summer, during the Mayoral elections, MessageSpace helped Ken Livingstone's campaign (not Boris' team!), and we were able to work for bargain rates for the Labour Party. We were able to do it because the commercial side of our business makes us able to do things for free, like run charity ads for Action Aid and even the DEC.

MessageSpace has run successful campaigns for War on Want, and handled ad campaigns for unions (Unite, Amicus, CWU, TUC, NUT) and charities (Save the Children, Help the Aged, Royal British Legion, Stroke Association, Friends of the Earth, Oxfam, Media Standards Trust, Age Concern, Plane Stupid) alike. And yes, we've also done a little bit of work for Policy Exchange, the LibDems and the Conservative Party. These adverts appear on some forty blogs, of which Guido is just one.

As Chris Paul puts it, "MessageSpace is a help with the sustainability of blogs across the political spectrum and the boycott mentality advanced here is not likely to help the rest of MessageSpace's outlets." We've been able to direct more advertising money (and by extension, support) to sites like Labourhome, Labour Outlook, Kerron Cross, Bloggers4Labour, Tribune Online, Harry's Place than Google or any other ad network for the sole reason that we're able to aggregate our influential audience and deliver them directly to advertisers. Over the last few years we have paid tens of thousands of pounds to bloggers.

We have channelled and provided more financial support for more Labour blogs than anyone else. Your cack-handed attempt to get back at Guido/Paul is going to undermine all that. You are also going to get the back up of most of the rest of the blogosphere - big successful, influential sites like PoliticalBetting.com. Do you understand or even realise we sell ads on behalf of all these sites? It is all very well for ConservativeHome and PoliticsHome who have substantial funding from Tory backer, they don't need us, most Labour blogs don't have any backers. Are you trying to undermine everyone else in your blind rage with Guido?

Before you start on about racism let me tell you something - I grew up in the deep South in a post-9/11 America, wearing a turban. In my time I have known racists and I know Paul Staines. I also know his father, and have joked with him in Hindi. It's probably better than mine, perhaps because he comes from Uttar Pradesh, in India. I've also played with Paul's youngest daughter, Priya. Trust me, I'm pretty sure Paul isn't racist.

If you really want to pick a fight with other bloggers - have at it. You are however in my view damaging the whole blogosphere with this fit of pique. So far you've just got everybody's backs up and done the party absolutely no favours. This pointless, stupid and ill thought out attack on a funding stream for many Labour supporting blogs is worse than counter-productive.

Give me a call - we should be working together to further the Party's efforts on the Web.

JS

Jag Singh @ 11:06 am, Mon 16th Feb 2009

the above address was then summarily butchered by a mr steve dryden.

i love mr singh's list of good causes, as patronized by messagespace - he appears to have omitted the idf pizza fund.

paul staines, jag singh and alex hilton: three individuals united in friendship by a common desire to make money and diss muslims. they must find the anonymous comment facility on the guido fawkes blog an exhilarating release, at any time of day.

apology to paul staines: not so much a racist as a person who hates the devotees of one religion, very very much.

so where does the cuddly mr draper fit into all of this? (he comes across as one of those flawed but rather genial higher executive officers that one might be fortunate to encounter in the civil service...likes a long liquid lunch...and easily confused with david shaylor) labourlist stats are comparable with those of the guido fawkes blog, no wonder staines is pissed. however, the staines-draper-feud could all be for show: by the sounds of it, derek draper has put pressure on alex hilton to sell his shares in messagespace...isn't it paul staines who wants to buy them...?

the closet voyeur: or how a misleading blogger called john approached me in the dolphin

aside from descriptions of western foreign policy in the middle east, i've noticed the term 'control freak' a few times recently:-

(1) michelle obama was recently honoured with this title in a gossip magazine. and so what really? many of us have been accused of such unpleasant self-centredness during our lives. no big surprise then that it can happen to the president's wife too...although i would be interested to know whether mr obama is also a 'control freak' or whether, in the marriage, he falls more into the 'controlled freak' category and will duly subjugate the globe, along with his alleged conjugal frustrations...as a self-satisfying little sideline.

(2) paul staines (guido fawkes). by tim ireland (bloggerheads). in disrespect of the former's snide comment moderation 'policy'. the other side of the bedsheet being that mr staines is in the nasty habit of rolling over and spreading his legs for any political body with the right figure ($).

connection?

yes, mr staines must be well-pleased with the results of those clandestine romps swinging with his obama-backing islamophobic celebrity friends: a president in washington who's tough on muslims, and a % of the vaults of those banks he oh so conveniently helped topple just prior to mr obama's election.

remember that paul staines is the man who enjoys saying anything about anyone without the possibility of being sued himself...cheeky? no, not when he's quick to threaten with libel-writs those who criticize him...

over the last couple of years, i originally thought the constant cellphone-surveillance and hidden camera stunts the work of some kinky prankster who had an unhealthy fascination with the goings-on in my bedroom...well i'm sure that it provided for some amusing titillation at a few 'get-togethers'...but i've now come to the realisation that the real motive for this obsessive observation was no more than a form of cheap blackmail. why else would someone calculatedly and fastidiously inform me as to how they knew of all my movements and conversations, whilst rigorously concealing his identity? fortunately, i was oblivious to the extortionate aspect of all this attention, and continued to write satire (on guido fawkes) for myself and my own enjoyment.

i wonder how much 'gossip' on guido surfaced as a result of a pretty girl getting slipped the telephone number of a westminster insider - allowing the woodworm access to a myriad of digital directories and eavesdropping opportunities...both during and between calls? a highly illegal bug...one would assume...

my forecast? a bright future. neither for the present administration...nor those who claim to hold it to account. a very bad reflection.

his special day

and as black people devoted themselves to the temporary television screens rigged up in work-places around britain, the white colleagues felt conspicuously left out of the ritual - unless they could shore up some sheer facade of hopeful racial-suffering. and in primary schools, children, black and white alike, flew dreams of the day they would ascend to the most powerful chiefdom on earth - until skilfully shut down by the exclusion of non-miscegenation, by the realization that mr obama was no model of them, nor for them, nor even correctly coloured-in. whilst the half-mast children just glimpsed the similarity, but not the significance of growing into the man they took for granted - and just didn't get the deal. and nor would they, for a few years - maybe never, if this slim symbol slew the monster of experience which "miss" classified without ever having had the opportunity to examine face-to-face. these special kids had never known a different president and didn't know the different times he'd had to pass. this was the one silly thing their parents could not hope to teach them - but their education would. unlike their friends, they had a big lesson ahead. only the chinese really got it.

fantasist fawkes in furore over furry ferret fetish fixation

sticks and stones may break my bones, but hamsters...?

well. i've had many things thrown at me in my time time but never a cute little furball. still, there's always a first time. someone has recently been characterized as afore-mentioned rodent on the guido site, and subsequently, and somewhat obsessively, had the misfortune to be stuffed up another (dissenting) commentator's arse. now call me vain, but i believe fawkes or one of his prawns was referring to my good self...

so what, you may ask, is all this about?

it's about incandescently animose feelings aroused in the blog's right-minded readership over paul staines' flippant support of the israeli massacre of palestinians in gaza. in a fit of juvenile pique at old-socialist support for the anti-murder movement, he encouraged his fans to pay for moral-boosting kosher pizza to be delivered to IDF soldiers - although the infamous post could more accurately be described as a pressure-valve-excuse to vent his pre-existing islamophobic views. you see, the argument had been building up in the comments' section for a few days - with the yellow emperor brilliantly debunking anonymous and kicking the latter's snide sick-ass up-and-down every page of the site. since staines 'came out' he has posted more pro-death views and has continued to be knocked sensible (one might foolishly hope) by dalai lama ding dong - presumably the selfsame outraged outrider.

ah, but bloggers like to play games, wind people up, and provoke debate, don't they? yes, and the guido fawkes blog has proved itself a master of the art...with generally a high level of freetalk tolerated. it is also a satirically slanted page. so what's the problem? the problem is that this post was not spiced with deep-pan irony, but churlish reactionism which revealed paul staines' contempt for both arab and jewish humanity alike - after all, he only sided with one party because of his dislike for the other, apparently...although i noticed, in comments which he duly deleted, that accusations of opportunism, BNP sympathies, smothering of d-notices, and paid-for pro-zionism all bubbled to the surface during the intellectually imbalanced bout. there is also an element of hypocrisy involved here too - because, from personal experience, i know that extremely dry, cutting criticism, which pertains to subjects such as racism and establishment authorized exploitation of immigrants, is routinely and summarily excized from the record.

often comically portrayed as bit of a chump, could staines be altruistically setting up abhorrently decorative skittles for his superbly analytical commentator to scatter asunder in a moral bowling alley becrowded by gasping spectators? no, not from where i stand - that would entail the admission of his darkest secret...ie. that his visitors are more interested in the commentators' contributions than his own. this is totally true - he appears to have attracted one phenomenally intellectual writer to the site, whose depth of political, philosophical, psychycological and economical understanding is simply astonishing and, more importantly, rooted in a rigorous yet down-to-earth morality. why else do you think the blog is consumed by politicos of the highest rank? this man or woman seems to spatter words onto the screen with a brashly satirical virtuosity and prokofievan prolificism. probably the best blogger in the world. not i, i might add. is this all an imagination on my part? no - anyone who reads guido fawkes regularly would recognize the person of whom i speak. this integrally purposeful performer must hold down many thousands of readers a day - accounting for paul staines' marvellous viewing statistics. i assume that poetic and comedic cameo appearances from people like myself push the hits up even further.

staines is a cynical mercantilist who thinks nothing of profiting from the current bloody conflict by coldly and humourlessly backing the aggressor - the irony being that his inability to repress his own extremist feelings will ultimately cause the bread-and-butter of his freeloving-fanbase to desert him. hats off to his idealogical disintegrity. or perhaps, like both established parties, he's sniffed the financial wind and is looking to pick up the race-hate vote? short-termist. fuck, i'm just the prick who requested payment for posting satoiletry amongst the comments. in the light of events, thank god he ignored my proposal with the contempt with which he treats everyone else. please appreciate that i have never gone in for guido-bashing, mainly due to the fact that i was unaware of the true nastiness of his anonymously excremented opinions. a thank you here to tim ireland and others who have fastidiously documented staines' hypocrisy and his zealous crusade to impose liberty on us all. i do not agree with tim ireland's politics nor his antipathy towards the (almost) 'anything goes' rough 'n tumble of the guido fawkes' bar-room-brawl (i have rather enjoyed it), but appreciate that tim is is a decent, sincere and level-headed bloke. unfortunately, the landlord at the guido & fawkes is a stasi-snitch and his blog an ink blob which his blotting-paper will have great difficulty in absorbing.

win/lose: obama result cool with afro-yankees

newsflash:

spark up! can now furnish its faithful readers with the blinding results of a sophisticated new lightening-strike opinion poll...

(sample: one randomly selected black american tourist enjoying a beer and the sweet sassy sounds of the anointed jackson sisters at london's new orleans festival)

"yeah man. if the muddlaroad guy wins, he sure our favorite black homeboy. if he lose, he just some motherfucker honky has-bin."

thanks to mr pick hedge, who describes himself as 'mister joe main-street floten' voter'


the foregoing interview was carried out by scat (southern crumbfart & twisters) and specially commissioned at no particular expense to this organisation

prop-a-gate: didn't they do well!

by employing their last publicly funded breath to resuscitate terminally ill banks, bush, brown and the other political vampires of the western world have drained the lifeblood of the welfare state to infuse their avaricious kith and kin with prolonged parasitical powers

by destroying the natural auto-immune system of the free-market (its self-educatory facility to reward success and punish failure) with the poison of quicksilver, our leaders have propagated the malignant growth of short-termism

socialism and capitalism corrupted in a single perverted coup-de-grace

of course, the social welfare blood-bank has been used for decades as cover for the dark powers to tax-off the fruit of honest industry

but now the crescendo of their craving has demanded a whack-up final fix

an oppression overdose

government has exercized its democratic prerogative and exhibited a perpetual preference to rob peter in order to pay-off paul

so why does peter still prefer government?

share dump: follow the markets guided by the analytical acumen of our finest financial brain...from the comfort of your own bog

when i checked the ftse 100 index earlier today, i was immediately concerned by its somewhat erratic and uncharacteristic behaviour

it was going

upwards

but fortunately it did not take long for normal business to be resumed as london took it's cue from new york and shares began to do do what they do best

fucking plummet!

go on boys! get down there!

you know you want to!

go on my son! go on my son! you can do it!

jump! jump! jump!

dive! fucking dive! fucking dive!

the bottom's not anywhere near fucking enough!

dow jones 9000 psychological barrier

is it fuck!

i'm gagging to savour a minus 9000 share-shafting barrier-rogering bank-buggering global-gang-banging fucking bust!

with added freefall fiscal frissons

and get buffeted shitless by the resultant monetary fucking boom!

go pike into eternal fucking liquidation

you know it makes sense!

go bask bare-assed on the cool polished rocks of oblivion my worthless beauties

stat-shattering!shock spark up! surge from down-under exposed for inspection!what a stunner!

amazingly! spark up! scored record bloghits this week! an absolutely cataclysmic clock-up! and it's only wednesday! despite the cruel injustice of a virtually opaque blog-blockade (administered by faceless authorities) spark up! with a phenomenal 9000% increase in individual page-visits (as compared against all previous weeks put together!) beat the odds and emerged proud! and with head held high! suck on that guido!!!

britain's phoney war: st gord and the boys who cried gulf

the uk government about to launch another war against yet another intangible adversary

no, not the mythical al qaeda this time around, but the credit crunch, a real fucking monster by all accounts, eats money or something - according, that is, to our financial better-offs, the banks, who reckon its been rampant in their vaults and noshed half the country's economy...so they say

can't we just set a bloody big rat-trap and use gordon brown as bait?

britain's motto seems to be: if there ain't an enemy, invent one

and have him pose quixotically against the backdrop of an existential economic nightmare

first fuck off as many foreigners as possible to make the plot sound plausible though

i know i shouldn't tell you the ending, but i'm sure you've guessed already

bin laden did it

the gold's all bunked under some mountain in afghanistan

that's why we're out there wasting men women and kiddiwinks by the villageful

you know it makes sense

funny

we've been conveniently fabricating foes to satisfy our strategic ambition for a century or so

when the real deal arrives on our doorstep, it's invisible, invincible and insatiable

go on gordon the gladiator, take your social safety net and a trident missile

see if you can do him

where's st fucking george when you need him?

spark up! exclusive: mandelstone was brown bogey

newstrash:

thanks to our fabulous team of dedicated investigators, spark up! is now privy to privileged political inside information and can reveal what no other bugger in the blogosphere realized nor even dared fucking imagine - namely that a giant prime-ministerial snotball was removed from pete mandelspun's left kidney over the weekend. fuck knows how it got there, i'm not a doctor.

spark up! the blog that brings you news the rest can't digest

boris freewheels towards fascism

boris johnson's mpa-led inquiry into metropolitan police racism was just too obvious, hardly imaginative

he pushed blair, great, but then he had to

in light of very smelly financial revelations (which required a good strong flushing),
untidy corpses,
a disappointing lack of timely bombs with which the chief might opportunely intimidate us into prostrating ourselves before his rank indispensability,
too great a focus on nicking black officers/black inner city youths,
and to cap it all: the rather embarrassing incident of a handful of coppers who failed to buy a valid ticket at the oval underground-station - and then proceeded to steam a tube-train full of commuters

instigating an in-house inquiry into the fucking obvious though boris?

the length of a football match to finish off sean rigg?

great result

if not abolish the evil bob altogether

consider exhibiting the entire collection of conscious constables outside the national gallery in pigeon square for the mum of all bollockings...dressed-down...for a life-study...with a crushed watermelon and a sweet street kiss



(did the boys catch boris without lights on his bike, make him push it home or something? whatever they got on him, he's not pedalling hard enough for sure)

the guido fawkes friday caption competition (boy from brazil edition)

take part in the famous guido fawkes friday caption competition

here on spark up!

register your witty entry in the comments section below

(safe in the knowledge that you will not be helping fawkes to help himself to any more wealth than he already has, the greedy cunt)

everyone's a winner:

if i raise enough money i can sue the bastard!

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