dear dave

despite maintaining a healthy official firebreak between your party and the uk's most popular political blog, it's now common knowledge that the guido fawkes website is a valued tool of the conservative party - prized tory property in which the upper echelons take both a secret pride and great interest, due mainly to the high level of political, economic and sociological analysis which crams out the comments sections and which is consumed obsessively by the cream of right-wing intelligensia. indeed, dave, i am sure that you and your top advisors are in the habit of consulting guido fawkes, together with other influential right-wing blogs, in order to inform your opinion and mould party strategy. unfortunately, however, herein lies a serious problem - because, on behalf of obama global and general slaughterhouses inc, a certain little miss jocelyn has been busy renting office space on all the major right-of-centre blogs and shitting out her cuckoo policies with gay abandon...for you to incubate, hatch and rear in the warm cozy nest of conservative central office...all in connivance with her buddy, president obama's number one man in great britain, david lammy mp, minster of state for business, innovation and skills...who, it is evident, has been wantonly moonlighting, instead of concentrating his energies on his constituency and governmental duties. so you see, i'm afraid you've been sold a dud dave - and the other david's been grooming you ready for the united states' president to take walkies...primarily to a war-crimes tribunal. in a nutshell, you've been reading the wrong stuff, dave - which probably explains why you currently advocate hunting down those deadly toddler al qaeda cells which covertly operate amongst the infant populations of muslim nursery schools...which probably explains why you intend to deploy eco-friendly tanks and cruise missiles in helmund province...and which probably explains why you wish to massacre one half of afghanistan's children in the hope of encouraging the other half to train to become doctors and nurses...to found a cutting-edge health service in their brand spanking new democracy...or they could, of course, choose to go to america and work for peanuts reforming the united states' health-care system...as a special favour to president barack obama...and be grateful for the life-changing experience...it's a free world, ain't it dave?

well maybe you're already well aware of this situation, dave, and quite comfortable with it too...after all, some of your closest cabinet confidants have been enjoying the lascivious pleasures of paul staines' notorious guido fawkes orgies, so i hear...and getting on fucking famously with little miss jocelyn's foxy sistas...in fact, they've all apparently ended up becoming quite intimate...and why not? let's big-up the technicolor dawn of a new age of multi-cultural conservatism as it flourishes unabashed in the fertile soil of this great and tolerant land where black and white are afforded an equal opportunity to hate the guts of muslims with all their hearts and minds and souls...not to mention their god-given might (especially the persuaders of fundamental christianity). tragically tho', dave, whilst no doubt being boosted by the fanatical emotional support of your cliquey cabal of fresh-found black extremist friends and finding faux-comfort in the cool companionship of your communal small-mindedness, i fear that you fail to appreciate the supreme nonchalance with which these deviant jokers let you and your kind send out ignorant white boys to slay innocent muslim civilians...and also their smugness on observing those same white boys returned home in ceremonial, nay celebratory, coffins - because, let's face it, slavery is, as yet, neither forgotten nor forgiven...saddam hussein was not renowned for his prominence as a stand-up comedian, so heed carefully his final dictum that western civilization would founder in the wastes of arabia - and remember that it would not only be he who would view with satisfiction that particular outcome...who knows...perhaps even obama himself is not averse to watching his honour-killing child-murdering christian soldiers leading us over the lip of the abyss...? and isn't the swag-president just as much a crack-pot christo-cuntric crusader as blair, or lammy, or our own dear little miss jocelyn?

yes dave, do the citizens of this country really pray for the members of yet another political family to cower under state police protection for the rest of their 'natural' lives? we certainly don't want to pay for it - of that i can assure you.

so i suppose that's about it dave...and if it's achieved nothing else, at least this letter has established who's wearing the political trousers in the englishman's conservative castle...and oh...that reminds me dave...just one thing...i know the queen gave you an introduction into conservative central office - did she swing the first-class honours degree for you too...?

your ever humble peasant


spark up


ps: riddle me this...how much do you know about the close associate of guido fawkes who carries out phone-tapping and other illegal surveillance operations on political bloggers? is he, or she, one of yours, one of the government's, one of lammy's, one of obama's, one of little miss jocelyn's, or one of staines'? or are all you perverted buggers at it? you know, it must be christmas.