win/lose: obama result cool with afro-yankees

newsflash:

spark up! can now furnish its faithful readers with the blinding results of a sophisticated new lightening-strike opinion poll...

(sample: one randomly selected black american tourist enjoying a beer and the sweet sassy sounds of the anointed jackson sisters at london's new orleans festival)

"yeah man. if the muddlaroad guy wins, he sure our favorite black homeboy. if he lose, he just some motherfucker honky has-bin."

thanks to mr pick hedge, who describes himself as 'mister joe main-street floten' voter'


the foregoing interview was carried out by scat (southern crumbfart & twisters) and specially commissioned at no particular expense to this organisation

prop-a-gate: didn't they do well!

by employing their last publicly funded breath to resuscitate terminally ill banks, bush, brown and the other political vampires of the western world have drained the lifeblood of the welfare state to infuse their avaricious kith and kin with prolonged parasitical powers

by destroying the natural auto-immune system of the free-market (its self-educatory facility to reward success and punish failure) with the poison of quicksilver, our leaders have propagated the malignant growth of short-termism

socialism and capitalism corrupted in a single perverted coup-de-grace

of course, the social welfare blood-bank has been used for decades as cover for the dark powers to tax-off the fruit of honest industry

but now the crescendo of their craving has demanded a whack-up final fix

an oppression overdose

government has exercized its democratic prerogative and exhibited a perpetual preference to rob peter in order to pay-off paul

so why does peter still prefer government?

share dump: follow the markets guided by the analytical acumen of our finest financial brain...from the comfort of your own bog

when i checked the ftse 100 index earlier today, i was immediately concerned by its somewhat erratic and uncharacteristic behaviour

it was going

upwards

but fortunately it did not take long for normal business to be resumed as london took it's cue from new york and shares began to do do what they do best

fucking plummet!

go on boys! get down there!

you know you want to!

go on my son! go on my son! you can do it!

jump! jump! jump!

dive! fucking dive! fucking dive!

the bottom's not anywhere near fucking enough!

dow jones 9000 psychological barrier

is it fuck!

i'm gagging to savour a minus 9000 share-shafting barrier-rogering bank-buggering global-gang-banging fucking bust!

with added freefall fiscal frissons

and get buffeted shitless by the resultant monetary fucking boom!

go pike into eternal fucking liquidation

you know it makes sense!

go bask bare-assed on the cool polished rocks of oblivion my worthless beauties

stat-shattering!shock spark up! surge from down-under exposed for inspection!what a stunner!

amazingly! spark up! scored record bloghits this week! an absolutely cataclysmic clock-up! and it's only wednesday! despite the cruel injustice of a virtually opaque blog-blockade (administered by faceless authorities) spark up! with a phenomenal 9000% increase in individual page-visits (as compared against all previous weeks put together!) beat the odds and emerged proud! and with head held high! suck on that guido!!!

britain's phoney war: st gord and the boys who cried gulf

the uk government about to launch another war against yet another intangible adversary

no, not the mythical al qaeda this time around, but the credit crunch, a real fucking monster by all accounts, eats money or something - according, that is, to our financial better-offs, the banks, who reckon its been rampant in their vaults and noshed half the country's economy...so they say

can't we just set a bloody big rat-trap and use gordon brown as bait?

britain's motto seems to be: if there ain't an enemy, invent one

and have him pose quixotically against the backdrop of an existential economic nightmare

first fuck off as many foreigners as possible to make the plot sound plausible though

i know i shouldn't tell you the ending, but i'm sure you've guessed already

bin laden did it

the gold's all bunked under some mountain in afghanistan

that's why we're out there wasting men women and kiddiwinks by the villageful

you know it makes sense

funny

we've been conveniently fabricating foes to satisfy our strategic ambition for a century or so

when the real deal arrives on our doorstep, it's invisible, invincible and insatiable

go on gordon the gladiator, take your social safety net and a trident missile

see if you can do him

where's st fucking george when you need him?

spark up! exclusive: mandelstone was brown bogey

newstrash:

thanks to our fabulous team of dedicated investigators, spark up! is now privy to privileged political inside information and can reveal what no other bugger in the blogosphere realized nor even dared fucking imagine - namely that a giant prime-ministerial snotball was removed from pete mandelspun's left kidney over the weekend. fuck knows how it got there, i'm not a doctor.

spark up! the blog that brings you news the rest can't digest

boris freewheels towards fascism

boris johnson's mpa-led inquiry into metropolitan police racism was just too obvious, hardly imaginative

he pushed blair, great, but then he had to

in light of very smelly financial revelations (which required a good strong flushing),
untidy corpses,
a disappointing lack of timely bombs with which the chief might opportunely intimidate us into prostrating ourselves before his rank indispensability,
too great a focus on nicking black officers/black inner city youths,
and to cap it all: the rather embarrassing incident of a handful of coppers who failed to buy a valid ticket at the oval underground-station - and then proceeded to steam a tube-train full of commuters

instigating an in-house inquiry into the fucking obvious though boris?

the length of a football match to finish off sean rigg?

great result

if not abolish the evil bob altogether

consider exhibiting the entire collection of conscious constables outside the national gallery in pigeon square for the mum of all bollockings...dressed-down...for a life-study...with a crushed watermelon and a sweet street kiss



(did the boys catch boris without lights on his bike, make him push it home or something? whatever they got on him, he's not pedalling hard enough for sure)

the guido fawkes friday caption competition (boy from brazil edition)

take part in the famous guido fawkes friday caption competition

here on spark up!

register your witty entry in the comments section below

(safe in the knowledge that you will not be helping fawkes to help himself to any more wealth than he already has, the greedy cunt)

everyone's a winner:

if i raise enough money i can sue the bastard!

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the blair bracelet:

standard issue metropolitan police handcuff

comes in attractive matching pair

beautifully crafted stainless steel fashion accessory

perfect for dirty little cunts whose right hand claims to be totally fucking oblivious to what the left one's doing

do what you will, but please don't bang me up naked and alone with...

a pre-payment gasmeter

room 101:

just don't go there