curtailed words

displayed here-below is the comment i yesterday attempted to enter in reply to ms juicy biceps mp's huffington post piece entitled it's socialism jean, but not as we know it, which, at this fraught time of rapidly impending american-inspired nuclear armageddon, was completely cyber-ghosted out of existence by the cia on apparent account of a fairly mildly expressed example of the indigenous anglo-saxon vernacular appearing within a moderate proximity of the hallowed phrase 'the white house'; may i at this point officially opine that, in the blogging-world, the huffington post - ignorant and immoral neo-conservative spawn of the daily telegraph - represents, as does, in the modern world, its mother-cuntry, the united states of america, the densely dunder-headed diplodocus, whose murderous mercantile meanderings cause its high imperialness habitually to crush clumsily under-foot all lesser forms of life in its dark, domineering, global quest to root out, ravenously, the most succulent earthly vegetational varieties of privileged political preference.

the offending article reads as follows:

"what a sulky subversive whinge from someone who sadly backed the wrong strand of political sentiment for the current anti-establishment british climate.

people aren't 'offended' by your feminism, my honourable madam - they're fuming because you're a cheap cia-sell-out and neo-colonial new-labour sychophant, who, as a 'progress'-flunky, clearly must hold values as far removed from true socialism as can possibly be imagined.

"no matter what the situation you are right and being right is more important than the safety of the group. she missed out the bit that says if things don't seem to be going your way, make sure you get jobs for all your mates so your way can be had."

sorry, but the above quote describes the typical self-serving blairite almost to a tee - the sort who, on a wafer-thin humanitarian pretext, barely disguising an ultra-extremist-christian agenda, would take his country into a futile neo-colonial war, regardless of the terrible cost to others, and purely for personal and professional gain.

"in my socialism, which is steadfast and lifelong, there is no point where your own personal socialist ideals are more important than delivering a better life for people who need it."

surely the socialist ideal is absolutely founded upon helping those in need - or is your 'personal' socialism about helping another group of people altogether? you seem confused.

you're not courageously speaking out, you're joining the crowd of condescending, brow-beating, self-righteous bullies who religiously suppressed all outspoken opposition to blair and his bloody oil-wars by systematically blacklisting his critics, and then maliciously ruining their lives and careers, whether in the professional political sphere or not.

under new-labour, most people who dared stand up for their rights got a swift kick in the teeth, not a generously salaried job in the poncy palace of westminster, as you rather slyly did, so - when actually you hold a popularly appointed position of some considerable power over us, the common plebs, and right now weigh in the balance the lives of many already degraded syrian civilians, together with our own muddled, media-brainwashed british citizens - don't play the poor defenceless female victim - it just doesn't suit see man.

you suggest that jeremy corbyn may be slightly posher than you - is this why he's less prone to being bought off than you, or is that simply a matter of his upbringing?

ps:

stop wasting superjezza's bloody time - he's exceptionally busy saving the world at the moment, and can't be bothered with wet-nursing your emotional femino-brummie-centric insecurities, day-bleedin'-in day-bleedin'-out.

finally, if you still believe that everyone's equal, but that brown families deserve mega-tonnage of ordnance dropped upon them, ad infinitum, to satisfy the hardly heroic whims of the whatless wanker in the white house, le petit prat pathétique in paris, or the dutiful dachshund digging himself a hole in downing street, why not ask the royal air-force, ever so nicely loik, whether you might possibly be allowed to experience just one of those lovely ethical cruise-missiles exploding in your vicinity - but more importantly, before you vote to have angry arab and asian people assassinated, or to have non-christian civilians accidentally swept under the sandy syrian carpet into the next world, in the name of whiter-than-white western democracy, please take good deliberative time to read the following enlightened articles, in order for you all the better to appreciate the naff neo-con nursery-rhymes of our three next-to-butt-naked emperors:

counter-punch:

how the west created the islamic state


levant report:

2012 defense intelligence agency document: west will facilitate rise of islamic state "in order to isolate the syrian regime"


insurge intelligence:

pentagon report predicted west’s support for islamist rebels would create isis:
anti-isis coalition knowingly sponsored violent extremists to 'isolate' assad, rollback 'shia expansion'

the guardian:

west training syrian rebels in jordan

open democracy:

isis wants to destroy the 'grey zone'. here's how we defend it

levant report:

former dia chief michael flynn says rise of islamic state was "a willful decision" and defends accuracy of 2012 memo

global research:

us created the islamic state (isis) for sake of israel and military industrial complex: ex-cia contractor"

the eagle 'as landed...on 'er arse

once upon a time, in a past, unconscious, carefree life, when your blog-editor-in-chief was a humble, authority-fearing, civil-service clerk, one was bound by a personnel code, which, in lieu of a formal contract, enshrined one's terms-and-conditions of employment as a public-servant, and aside from getting caught with one's hands in the till, there then existed two sure ways in which one could seriously jeopardize one's continued career as a government-worker:

1. by falling into substantial debt, or

2. by taking part in any political or public activity which might compromise, or might be seen to compromise, one's impartial service to the government of the day or any future government.

now, on remembrance sunday, by publicly objecting to labour-leader, and long-time advocate of unilateral nuclear-disarmament, jeremy barnyard crowbar mp's personal vow never to deploy nuclear-warheads, and by further claiming that britain's policy of non-engagment in air-strikes against the islamic state in syria was "letting down" its allies, general sir john nicholas reynolds houghton gcb, cbe, adc gen, the chief of the defence-staff of the british armed-forces - or just general sir prick whore-tongue to his friends in cabinet - has in effect completely and deliberately desecrated this nation's holy day of commemoration, and ripped up the terms-and-conditions of his employment in the british armed forces, as contained within the queen's regulations for the army 1975 (amendment number 26).

indeed, through his illegitimate and ill-timed, war-mongering outburst in favour of mass-civilian-slaughter, general sir john nicholas reynolds houghton gcb, cbe, adc gen, the chief of the defence-staff of the british armed-forces - or just general sir prick whore-tongue to his friends in cabinet - who cannot be confirmed, or dismissed, as the serving army-general-source who recently threatened of "mutiny" in the british military should jeremy corbyn ever be elected prime minister, has, particularly if acting without due ministerial authorization, gravely breached the following comic constitutional catalogue of queen's regulations:

annex b to chapter 3

values and standards of the british army

total professionalism

paragraph 25:

"members of the army are not permitted to disclose service information or express views on official matters or experiences to any media organization without prior approval from the ministry of defence, sought through the chain of command; this includes leaking official information to the media. besides being contrary to regulations, it is unprofessional and can damage the reputation and interests of the ministry of defence and the armed forces and, whether intentional or not, undermines the army’s apolitical position."

chapter 5

unit command, control and administration

part 14 - political activities and electoral registration

political activities

paragraph j5.581:

clause a

"regular service personnel are not to take any active part in the affairs of any political organization, party or movement. they are not to participate in political marches or demonstrations."

clause b

"no restriction is to be placed upon the attendance at political meetings of such service personnel provided that uniform is not worn, service duties are not impeded, and no action is taken which would bring the service into disrepute." 

paragraph j5.582:

"all forms of political activity, including political meetings and speeches, are prohibited in service establishments. canvassers may visit, and motor cars used for carrying electors to the poll may call at, married quarters and families' hostels to which there is normal access direct from the public highway. where access is by service roads and there is no separate entrance, access to married quarters will be at the discretion of the commanding officer under such conditions as he may approve. information about party programmes or policies is not to be made available through service journals or information rooms; nor is any propaganda issued by or on behalf of a political party to be distributed in service institutions. no publicity is to be given in service establishments to meetings, fetes, or similar activities having a political association."

paragraph j5.583:

service facilities and speakers

"no service facilities, including service aircraft and motor transport, are to be used at, or in connection with, any function the purpose of which is to further the interests of a political party or an organization having controversial aims, nor are service bands to play at such functions. where requests are received from political groups for service speakers to lecture or give a presentation, these should be referred for action to the ministry of defence (adjutant general secretariat), who will reply direct to the group; if there is uncertainty about the nature of any organization, the ministry of defence should be consulted. (army only. see also chapter 12 annex a(j))"

candidates in local government elections

paragraph j5.586:

clause c

"serving personnel who are permitted by the ministry of defence to be nominated for election to any local authority may only stand as independent candidates. they are not to stand as candidates for any political organization, party or movement and, if elected, are not to involve themselves in any way in the affairs of any such organizations, party or movement."

trade unions

paragraph j5.588:

clause a

"regular service personnel may become members of civilian trade unions and professional associations in order to enhance their trade skills and professional knowledge and as an aid to resettlement into civilian life. they are not to participate in industrial action or in any form of political activity organized by civilian trade unions or professional associations."

chapter 5

unit command, control and administration

part 9 - dress

occasions on which the wearing of uniform is forbidden 

paragraph j5.368:

detailed instructions on occasions on which the wearing of uniform is forbidden are contained in army general administrative instruction 59. the following specific occasions on which the wearing of uniform is forbidden are to be noted:

clause b

"uniform is not to be worn by prospective or adopted parliamentary candidates at political meetings, or while canvassing, appearing in public or engaged in any other activities connected with their candidature. (see also paragraphs j5.581 – j5.583)"

clause e

"on occasions when the army’s reputation or political impartiality might be brought into question e.g. political protests, rallies, marches or demonstrations of any kind where a political, social or interest group agenda may be perceived as being pursued, or where disorder or affray might result, or appearing in the media to seek personal publicity."

chapter 5

unit command, control and administration

part 2 - personal conduct and efficiency

applications general

paragraph j5.079b:

clause d

commercial advertisements

"participation in commercial advertisements may have the potential to give the impression that the service endorse or have a view on a commercial product, service or political position. applicants must therefore provide the fullest details so that a commanding officer may consider whether:

(1) the individual would be identified as a serving member of the service.

(2) the service would be directly or indirectly associated with the advertisement.

(3) the individual’s participation might align him, or the service, with any political position."

clause f

trade dispute

"service personnel may become members of civilian trade union and professional associations in order to enhance their trade skills and professional knowledge and as an aid to resettlement into civilian life. they are not to participate in industrial action or in any form of political activity organized by civilian trade unions or professional associations where it is believed that a trade dispute is in progress, in order to safeguard the reputation of the service, commanding officers should not authorize, or should withdraw authorization given in respect of off-duty employment with that organization. where there is doubt about the existence of a trade dispute, the commanding officer should refer the matter through his chain of command, with full details and recommendations."

chapter 5

unit command, control and administration

part 15 - public and service (non public) funds

voluntary regimental subscriptions

paragraph 5.613:

clause a

"all soldiers may subscribe voluntarily to a regimental association as part of the day’s pay scheme, provided that the president and treasurer of the association are commissioned officers on the active or retired list, that the association is of a non political character and that a minimum of half the income is devoted to the benevolent assistance of reservists, ex soldiers and their families in need."

chapter 12

official information and public relations

part 2 - activities involving the use of official information or experience

(ministry of defence sponsor: director-general, media and communication)

paragraph j12.015:

general considerations

"this section sets out procedures for service personnel to seek authorization to communicate with the media. a number of considerations should be taken into account before doing so, including:

a. is it in the defence interest?

b. does the benefit justify the time, cost and effort?

c. is there a risk to operational security or of disclosure of classified information?

d. would this compromise service ethos?

e. are there any patent, copyright, collaboration security or international relations implications?" (see note 1 below)

(note 1: a politically controversial topic is one which is, has been, or is clearly about to be, a matter of controversy between political parties in this country)

paragraph j12.016:

purpose

"these regulations govern contact between all service personnel and the media, and for writing or speaking in public. these rules must be followed to ensure that operational security is upheld and standards of political impartiality and public accountability are met at all times."

paragraph j12.018:

clause b

"as in any organization, it is important that all ministry of defence personnel communicate in a manner that maintains and, where possible, enhances the reputation of the organization. all contacts with the media or public disclosure of information by members of the armed forces must be authorized in advance, where this relates to material or experiences gained in the course of official duties. engaging in such activities without obtaining authorization at the appropriate level may be a serious disciplinary or administrative matter which could ultimately lead to dismissal, as would the acceptance of payments in contravention of j12.024 below."

paragraph j12.019:

maximizing communications effect

clause a

"presentational aspects must be an integral part of all ministry of defence activity and decision-making. it is a core task of all personnel to consider how to portray their activities in an interesting and accessible way, for both the internal and external audiences, and how to support the ministry of defence's strategic communications aim - to enhance the reputation of the department and armed forces both internally and externally. everyone should look for opportunities to explain what defence is about to the public and other stakeholders. when personnel can make a contribution to knowledge on the basis of specialized information and experience obtained in the course of their official duties, in particular, professional, scientific and engineering personnel, they should be encouraged to do so, so long as policy, defence and commercial interests are protected."

clause b

"any such participation in public discussions or contribution to knowledge of this kind must, however, be such as will not:

(1) prejudice national security.

(2) put at risk collaboration security. 

(3) create the possibility of embarrassment to the government in the conduct of its policies.

(4) bring into question the impartiality of her majesty's forces."

clause c

"although these principles apply primarily to the disclosure of information and for the discussion of political issues, they apply with equal force to the public expression, in the press or elsewhere, of opinions which are or could be embarrassing to the government when given by individuals who are identified or are readily identifiable as service personnel."

clause d

"the director-general, media and communication has ultimate official authority for internal and external communications including all matters related to contact with the news media and communicating in public. members of the armed forces are to seek prior permission if they wish to write or speak or otherwise communicate in the public domain on defence or related matters, before entering into any commitment. personnel who are in any doubt about the need to obtain authorization are to take advice from the appropriate director-general, media and communication contact at j12.025 before committing to communication with the media or writing or speaking in public. director-general, media and communication has delegated some approval authority to command media operations personnel who should always be consulted before approaching director-general, media and communication.

contact details can be found at j12.025."

paragraph j12.020:

contact with the news media

clause d

"exceptionally, some service personnel will have a general authorization from d news personally to speak to the news media, which must be recorded in their agreed formal job descriptions or terms of reference. these individuals are to ensure they keep records and inform d news press office or the regional press officer of all media contacts and the information communicated. additionally, they are to avoid comment on issues of a politically controversial nature."

annex a(j) to chapter 12

procedure for seeking permission to speak in public, to lecture, or to write for publication

(paragraphs j12.016, j12.021, j12.022 and j12.023 refer)

note 1

"public speeches should be submitted for prior clearance under the procedures for lectures (para 4) if their text is likely to be published afterwards, or quoted by a broadcasting authority, newspaper or magazine, either in whole or in part if they contain scientific or technical data, or if they comment on procurement executive projects, so that they may be fully cleared in all respects, including crown copyright aspects."

note 2

"because service in the ministry of defence is likely to be regarded as conferring a special degree of authority or importance on statements made by an official speaker, ministerial approval will be sought by the director-general, media and communication in all cases concerning personnel serving in the ministry of defence."

note 3

"normally, permission to express views on politically controversial issues will be refused. for any exception to this rule, the director-general, media and communication will seek the prior approval of the secretary of state for defence."

my considered legal conclusion:

the procedure for seeking permission to speak in public, to lecture, or to write for publication, as set out in annex a(j) to chapter 12 is incredibly convoluted, but essentially, general sir john nicholas reynolds houghton gcb, cbe, adc gen, the chief of the defence-staff of the british armed-forces - or just general sir prick whore-tongue to his friends in cabinet - should have sought the prior approval of the secretary of state for defence, michael catheter-fallout mp, in order to express views on politically controversial issues.

however, general sir john nicholas reynolds houghton gcb, cbe, adc gen, the chief of the defence-staff of the british armed-forces - or just general sir prick whore-tongue to his friends in cabinet - clearly drove a ten-ton tory-tank through the historically entrenched queen's regulations, and must either resign with immediate effect or be summarily sacked by his boss, the secretary of state for defence, michael catheter-fallout mp, for bringing the british armed-forces into deeply dangerous disrepute.

moreover, if general sir john nicholas reynolds gcb, cbe, adc gen, the chief of the defence-staff of the british armed-forces - or just general sir prick whore-tongue to his friends in cabinet - did in fact seek the explicit prior approval of the secretary of state for defence, michael catheter-fallout mp, for his broadcast interview-comments, then obviously the secretary of state for defence, michael catheter-fallout mp, must also quit his cabinet-post forthwith, or be fired on-the-spot by prime-minister, david "the dachshund" cameron.

the crafty comrade, jeremy barnyard crowbar mp, has actually played a blinder here, because he has patiently waited for one of these mass-murdering, power-grabbing, mutinous generals to poke his head above the political parapet, and then pounced mercilessly, like a purring parliamentary panther; furthermore, dirty corby has cleverly inducted the majority of his labour-party enemies into his shadow-cabinet, with the rather sly result that these neo-fascist conservative-cock-sucking detractors cannot even contemplate plotting rebellion against their charming chippy chairman without appearing, to the mad massed corby-celebrating party-membership, to be treacherous beyond all democratic belief.

dirty corby has given his two-timing, traitorous colleagues enough rope with which to hang themselves, and by effectively condoning the actions of a homicidal, self-serving army-general and chief of the defence-staff, who has now criminally disrespected our british parliament by illegally intervening, in uniform, in the democratic process, in a manner tantamount to staging a totalitarian, tory-heavy military-coup, angela "double-headed" eagle, shadow secretary of state for defence, has simply been shamefully out-manœuvred by her strategically-savvy socialist leader, and will surely also be forced to resign in dictatorial disgrace, or be delivered her direct marching-orders, for showing her true, tory-turncoat colours.

oh gosh...and i really thought evil "edgy-the-eagle" angie was meant to be the ruthless razor-sharp, tactical chess-player, and comrade "corby" corblimey the dim-witted, communist dullard...

all that dry old legal tripe not much of a belly-laugh, you say?

well, i reckon it's a fucking hilarious bitta blogging...

this smarmy five-star sewer-git's broken every god-damned fucking rule in the book...

...and he's soon gonna be forced to walk the wibbly-wobbly whitehall-plank of no-return - hopefully on the über-solemn occasion he has now, thanks to his absolutely atrocious remarks, personally degraded unto armageddon day.

don't know how dave's dodgy despots in government will take it though?

security for some at the expense of insecurity for others

there was no constitutional convention broken by the house of lords in scuppering the recent bill for proposed tax-credit legislation; the salisbury convention - of not opposing the second or third reading of any government legislation promised in its election manifesto - does not apply in the current parliamentary instance, because:

1. in its general election manifesto, the government did not specifically state that working tax-credits would be cut.


2. due to low voter-turn-out and the winner's small share of the vote at modern general elections, governments do not now command the true national mandates which would formerly have been considered undemocratic for the lords to have blocked.

there were no procedural rules broken by the house of lords in shelving the recent bill for proposed tax-credit legislation, because, despite being named a "finance bill", this bill was not officially designated a "money bill", as defined under the parliament act, but in fact a "statutory instrument" linked to a welfare act, over which the house of lords has the full right of veto; conversely, if george nob-borne had been bothered to introduce this legislation as a public bill in the house of commons, where it would have been subject to the full heat of scrutiny and debate, the house of lords would not have been legally permitted to touch it.

to a large extent, this political move against the cameron government was simply socialist 'tit' for conservative 'tat' - for the conservatives do not care about 'freeing' the working-classes from the shackles of poverty any more than the socialists really care about making everybody in society 'equally' entitled to the ill-gotten profits of western neo-colonial mineral-wars, which it-must-be-said have cost the lives of millions of africans, arabs and asians in such places as congo, the middle-east and afghanistan. moreover, the ideological case for reducing the welfare-state has already been made and won by successive conservative and labour governments from the thatcher era right through to the contemporary times of cameron.

however, the public principle at stake in this latest tax-credit débâcle was not just one of work-ethics, nor even perhaps one of backbench members of parliament hanging onto their shitty little seats at any price, but actually the far wider one of fucking bad form and bad attitude on the part of david cameron, george osborne, iain duncan smith, jeremy hunt, and the rest of the uncouth, unchristian conservative cabinet, who care not one judicial jot for the suffering of those working far harder for a mouthful of meagre state-benefits than do cash-rich government ministers for their fat westminster salaries and unchecked, unearned expense-accounts.

the summary slapping-down, which the chancellor received at the hands of a cross-party swathe of our socially embarrassed parliament, was weighed out in return for his and his colleagues' cavalier insouciance in protecting jobs for the old-school boys in the banks and big business, whilst punching the poor in the peanuts; generous personal tax-cuts for the wealthy, a proposed cut of 2% in the corporation-tax pipeline, yet piddle-stick in-the-pocket pilfering from the plebs; a plethora of opportunity for those privileged with public-school or private education, and a door comprehensively slammed in the face of the council-house kid with the wrong colour upbringing. yessir, let's say it straight, this tax-credit bill was the domestic fiscal equivalent of bombing the wogs for political and financial ends, in accordance with the parochial, race-driven, class-co-ordinated doctrine of prime-minister cameron and company, which consistently asserts: it's all right for them, but we wouldn't want it to happen to us, now would we?

another precept imperilled by the legislative actions of the government was obviously that of honest-dealing: why sneak an unannounced, unmandated welfare-cut through parliament as a sly, run-of-the-mill statutory instrument, when correctly it should have been presented to the people's representatives as a bold-as-brass public-bill in the house of commons? why cut a low-paid worker's benefits in the disingenuous expectation of the employer raising that person's wages to plug the hole, when oftentimes the employer and government are one and the same party, pledging no less than to hold down that very public-servant's pay-deal?

as the conservatives rightly stated, this whole unseemly constitutional spat ultimately turned upon the question of finance and convention: the unwritten convention that the government represents the wishes of the people, who are duly offered a constitutional choice between financing immoral wars waged with american weapons of mass-destruction, controversial infrastructure construction-projects contracted out to friends in the conservative-club, and of course last-but-not-least, a fairly-administered, fully-functional welfare-state.

well, drawing on my vast personal experience of parliamentary procedure and party-politics, it is my considered opinion that reducing the powers of the house of lords, whilst strengthening those of the house of commons, would eventually prove extremely hazardous to democracy, and that the wishes of the people will only ever be represented, in a constitutional manner, by effecting the complete abolition of the house of lords, whilst neutering the house of commons through the introduction of a system of open-party-list proportional representation - indeed such radical parliamentary reform would appear to be the sole method by which the unaccountable cunts in the palace of westminster can practicably be compelled to concentrate properly on the important national business-at-hand.

meantime, i should add, the empty chamber of the house of lords might usefully be converted into a refrigerated repository for mummified members of the remaining legislative house who have popped their clueless clogs and thus require preservation for posterity on the padded red benches of another place - such that, paradoxically, an independent casual observer would not necessarily notice any active difference in the progressive parliamentary programme of that hallowed hall of huffed-up haughtiness.

however, whatever our adopted constitutional system and the square-peg political ideology it subsequently produces to rain over us, in royal retribution for our immoral relinquishment of individual responsibility, the extirpation of establishment corruption and its counterpart, privilege, the poisonous antagonist of opportunity, is paramount, for down the road of perverted power lies perdition, by a thousand petty and vindictive paper-cuts, of public and parliamentary souls alike.

so can we root out the cia-knotweed before we're woven irrevokably into a wicked whirlpool of world-war? thatcher's obsessive-compulsive conservatism is pushing up the daisy-cutters, major has faded away into the sleaze-sodden scene he pedantically painted as his grimly-reaped legacy, shatout mutton brown is being served up as scotch broth for a beleaguered and battered brussels pout, cameron's set on retiring to ride randy red-haired sheep 'round his ranch in the cotswolds, but the ever-evil presence, otherwise known as blair, blight of bucks, must be socially scapegoated for the serial-slaughtering sins he's blithely buck-passed to his barbaric brothers in corporate war-crime: he can choose either to move up the lane to hmp grendon underwood, or 'move on' permanently to another fucking continent.

during the second world-war, eastenders were initially forbidden by the authorities from using the london underground-system as an air-raid shelter, despite the devastating ferocity of the blitz - and ridiculously were forced to buy tube-tickets in order to circumvent war-time restrictions - whilst the sensible people of hard-targeted southampton were reportedly frowned upon by deeply-bunkered whitehall for 'trekking' out into the countryside each night in order to avoid losing their lives in the terrible bombing of that city; clearly, from recent experiences, such as the iraq war, the war on terror, together with this latest tax-credit scandal, we as british citizens must inevitably therefore conclude that our government is not only crookedly incompetent, but also completely uncaring, and that, as our lords and masters in westminster have just shown us, legally, a pinch of positive civil-disobedience, in the face of abhorrently arrogant authoritarian stupidity, is absolutely essential for the british way of life to survive.

loud-mouth labour-lasses locked in deadly dogma-fight for feminist supremacy

"mirror, mirror, on the wall,
who is the most feminist of them all...?"

...probably not a political question which dirty corby asks himself on a very regular basis, but one, nonetheless, which is currently causing raucous ruptions amongst his left-over-ranks in parliament...

...and so as professional investigative duty dictates, spark up! duly caught up with the fem-fracas-fraught labour-leader earlier this week, whilst he was chillin' in his favourite, threadbare allotment-shed-armchair, and gently groovin' to the latest pussy riot album as it blared-out rebelliously from his funky, vintage-silver 70s-ghetto-blaster, all between getting stuck into the serious commons-business of laboriously stringing-up this year's bumper-crop of turda red-onions.

now, as i tentatively took up my perch on a dusty wooden-crate ominously labelled "trojan powder co - dynamite" - which our rebel-without-a-clause calmly assured me was simply an empty relic of the epic 1980s struggle against the mad ironing-lady of dulwich - and was cordially invited by the presently prodigal privy-councillor to join him in an ice-cold glass of dandelion-'n-burdock, i was sorely tempted to enquire as to the precise horticultural classification of the strangely pungent greens that he was quite openly curing along with other assorted veg, but then judged, after a brief moment's consideration, that discretion might perhaps prove to be the better part of gutter-journalism.

sure, i could 'hang' for half-an-hour, the demo-happy chief-gardener indicated generously, but he just had to get back to the ranch in good time to snuggle-up on the sofa with the sizzling socially-conscious señorita for the latest nerve-jingling episode of cult us spy-thriller, homeland - a series which he agreed did, in all honesty, cast afghan, pakistani, and lebanese muslims in a poor socio-political light, yet, in doing so, also successfully achieved the pithy, parodic portrayal of cia-agents as a nefarious bunch of neurotic, bungling nitwits.

"so you're after a ringside seat for the democratic duel-to-the-death between lady laaardidah and freshwoman, juicy biceps mp?"

guessed dirty corby correctly...

"yeah"

continued corby,

"we're going to settle this furious femino-feud in the only fair way possible: the old-fashioned socialist way.  i've got a vatful of pink-jelly at home - which i concocted the other month for a constituency children's party, but which allegedly didn't go down too well - and an inflatable domestic paddling-pool...

...and well, basically, to cut through the silly saga of official party-committee disciplinary procedure, i was intending to set the pool up in my backyard, fill it with pink-gunge, and give the two combatants a decent opportunity of gaining traditional civil satisfaction, stripped-down to micro-bikinis, in a no-holds-barred jelly-wrestling match - however, by popular demand, and for reasons of ideological transparency, the bout is now due to be relocated to the green in parliament square - winner takes the job of being my personal bodyguard and champion.

now, i appreciate that the idea of letting a strapping-great brummie prop-forward manically press the face of a defenceless little-old afro-caribbean pensioner into the hallowed turf...may sound rather politically incorrect...but on the other hand, such an eventuality could potentially bring the party unforeseen dividends, if indeed it prevents her laaardidah-ship from putting her own foot in her own notoriously big trap, for even a limited period of time...

...and anyway, regardless of the jelly-contest's result, i strongly believe in the importance of promoting new, grassroots talent by providing our incoming house of commons members with plenty of sparring-practice; in fact, i'm confident that, given appropriate guidance, ms juicy biceps mp will soon rise to become a valuable weapon in our shadow-government's armoury, if we can only manage to point her in the right direction...

...moreover, i predict that with the sheer self-destructive gob-power she has already displayed since entering parliament - by fearlessly taking on george gabaway and lady laardidah during her first few months in the job - she will surely, in time, make a most effective leader of the opposition, and could even bust the door down to number ten.

nevertheless, despite ms biceps mp not initially striking me as a slick cia-trained sabotage-act, we will still have to take her quietly aside in order to explain:

• that from its outset, the civil-uprising which led to the syrian civil-war was deliberately incited by mi6 and the cia...

• that from its outset, the military opposition to president assad's syrian army was backed by mi6 and the cia, intelligence agencies which subsequently facilitated the help of handy, imported al qaeda insurgents and supplied arms, secretly smuggled into syria via turkey from libya - where coincidentally, mi6 and the cia also insidiously incited an uprising hopeless in internal national terms...

• that western military intervention in syria is a foolproof recipe for wicked world-war with russia, and maybe china too...

• that dropping bombs on syria, for humanitarian reasons, will doubtless do about as much bloody good as did demolishing libya, for humanitarian reasons...

• that western bombs and boots on muslim-ground are the prime-factors driving recruitment to isis and al qaeda...

• and that, degraded by constant abuse to a fake political excuse, any british government call for military intervention 'to protect civilians' nowadays amounts to no more than a cheap, insincere propaganda-trick employed by disingenuous, warmongering, western intelligence agencies whose most fervent evangelical desire is to convert dozy, weak-minded, western liberals into pseudo-humanitarian, neo-colonial, genocide-cheering, resource-grabbing, fascist-apologist thugs.

really though, i do sincerely hope that ms juicy biceps mp and lady laaardidah can soon settle their ideological differences, because at the moment, whenever i hear a beer-fuelled fight going on in the bars and restaurants of westminster, it's always these two louder-than-life ladies who seem to be in the thick of it, literally at each other's throats - so much so that i'm actually beginning to wonder whether they're each squabbling over my irresistible personal affections, god-help-me - but to be honest, i don't take all these hysterical spats to heart, myself, and find it helps to think of ms biceps as a younger, female version of the great, fat, new-labour slob, lord presscock - since the pair of them, along with the married mother-of-two's van, both look like they've been in a few prangs...

could i imagine appointing both these lady mps to the shadow-cabinet concurrently?  oh, i dunno: could i imagine two utterly unguided cruise-missiles continually flying 'round our labour committee-room at the same time?  jesus knows, they could cancel each other out, i suppose...but alternatively, they could both wreak total effing exponential havoc, self-detonate, and annihilate the bleeding lot of us."

accordingly, having given dirty corby the chance to clear the billowing clouds of hot-carbon-dioxide which had been produced by all these environmentally unfriendly left-wing-family arguments, we at spark up! considered it only proper to contact ms juicy biceps for her own side of the story, which she duly expressed over the telephone in the following, forthright terms:

"oh no, it's not that i don't want to see a batty old black woman in the shadow-cabinet or anything...but i just want a greater number of real, indignant white-van-women represented in the upper échelons of our party hierarchy, you know...and perhaps...just for example, of course...not quite so many toffee-nosed cambridge publicity-tarts whose radical chocko-centric ideologies generally ensure that they spend the whole fuckin' day obsessively planning their next bloody black-forest gâteau gross-out...

no, i absolutely do not have an abandoned transit-van, missing its wheels, jacked-up on bricks outside my house...i refute that disgraceful allegation totally...the truth is that, every morning, i roll the wheels out from my porch, bolt them on, kick out the bricks, and away i go...it's a bit of a rough neighbourhood, that's all...

ok, yes...i admit that, strictly-speaking, my van is not actually white...it's more a nifty shade of grey now...cuz you see, i've been far too busy, these last couple of years, engaged in pressing affairs of state...such as getting fuckin' pot-holes filled in...to give it a proper wash, loik...

take on laaardidah?  sure...i don't know what poofy kind of car she drives about in...if she can drive, that is...but i challenge the boring old biddy to a burn-up 'round parliament square any fuckin' day..."

naturally, in the name of authentic reporting, spark up! attempted to establish the complete veracity of claims, which we understand have been circulating in yardley, to the strength that ms juicy biceps knocks out 200 men a day...but tragically, the sports correspondent whom we sent to cover this unusual story is now recovering in the birmingham hardlandings hospital from a sudden, and medically inexplicable, black-out...however, during a later conversation with ms biceps' husband, tom, we ascertained that, if this rumour were indeed true, then it would presumably transpire that at least 150 out of the 200 men previously stated were in fact himself...

how wonderful for ms biceps to be blessed with such a supportive, and humourous, partner...

finally, in order to tie-up one last loose-end, we at spark up! decided to identify the local secondary school attended by ms juicy biceps, and although we certainly did not conjecture that this would be exactly the most genteel of institutions, we were, to be fair, rather surprised to be referred around the corner to the sticks 'n stones pool-hall at the bottom of hustler road...where regulars apparently confirmed that their incumbent member of parliament had achieved a full-record - learning how to handle a cue to the maximum effect, whilst mastering the ancient midland art of krack-wun-doh, together with associated advanced stick-and-ball techniques of the more exotic kind.

west-end war on natural women

besieged by widespread allegations of enforcing a racist door-policy, management at the strictly plastic nightclub in rupert street, london, have issued the following brief statement:

"at this exclusive nightclub, we maintain a strict ignorance-code in order to ensure that our establishment is only patronized by 100 percent plastic people with 100 percent plastic personalities.  if any member of staff suspects that a club-going client is in possession of body-parts which are not 100 percent plastic, our professionally trained bouncers reserve the right to test the consistency of the aforesaid alleged dodgy anatomical-areas for reasons of cultural and social integrity.

thank you and fuck off."

black comedy gold

i hear it cost cameron over 400 million quid - in caribbean infrastructure, health, and economic aid-packages - to get off the island of jamaica - the stupid, whatless cunt.

indeed, it appears the criminally complacent british government is beginning to get rather worried about countries from the far-east who are gazumping the uk's commercial and political influence in the caricom region; china's exim bank has committed itself to investing a possible 10 billion dollars in jamaica's special economic zones and industrial parks, whilst japan is offering to assist jamaica with the development of energy-efficiency and renewable-energy technology, and is also funding the institute of jamaica to the tune of about £40 million in grants.

in 1837, the british government spent £20 million in hand-outs - the equivalent of nearly £2 billion in today's money - when, in a corruptly stitched-up deal to abolish the previously state-promoted practice of slavery, it notoriously voted to buy off british slave-owners, yet, in comparison with the astronomical profits made by british merchants from slave-trading and from slave-labour, and in comparison with the additional multi-millions collected from the imposition of british taxes on slave-manufactured goods from the caribbean colonies, this figure is but a tiny drop-in-the-ocean of spilt african blood - african blood forcibly invested in the lucrative caribbean plantation business.

in contemporary terms, £2 billion represents just loose-change for the british government, which over the next few years, will i-dare-say spend a very similar sum attempting to buy-off, and curry commercial favour with, obdurate caribbean administrations - nevertheless, these payments can in no way be considered commensurate with slavery-reparation payments, which prime-minister cameron disrespectfully and summarily dismisses out-of-hand.

according to my own extremely rough, back-of-an-envelope calculations, the uk's current liability for slavery-reparations might fairly be assessed as follows:

given that, in 1770, west-indian planting-profits can be estimated at £2.5 million pounds, british profits from trading to the west-indies can be estimated at around £1.3 million, and annual british slave-trading-profits can be estimated at a minimum of £1 million - making a total annual british slave-based industry-profit of £4.8 million - one can easily surmise that, during, say, the 135-year period between 1672 - when the slave-trade was formalized, under a royal charter, by the establishment of the royal african company - and 1807 - when the slave-trade was abolished - british slave-based industries could well have raked in total-profits of about £648 million, a sum which, held in 1751, say - when the british slave-based industry was reaching full-steam - would have amounted to the present-day monetary equivalent of approximately £120 billion.

however, this current-day-conversion figure of £120 billion does not take into account slave-based profits accrued from the beginning of the english slave-based industry in 1562, during the reign of elizabeth i - when captain john hawkins made the first of three slaving-voyages to africa, and captured over 1200 africans who were then sold as goods in the spanish colonies of the americas - nor does it include slave-based profits accrued between 1625 - when barbados became the first english plantation-settlement in the caribbean - and 1672 - when the slave-trade was formalized, under a royal charter, by the establishment of the royal african company - nor does it include slave-based profits accrued between 1807 - the abolition-date of the slave-trade - and 1834 - the abolition-date, in the british empire, of slavery itself - and indeed, nor does it include profits accrued from caribbean plantations right up until the end of the british colonial period, during the latter half of the 20th century - and therefore in many ways, this afore-mentioned estimate of £120 billion could conceivably be construed as somewhat conservative.

of course, there is an alternative, strictly commercial, method of calculating britain's current liability for slavery-reparations - but then slavery was, in fact, strictly business, wasn't it?

you see, assuming the present-day british economy to be worth roughly £2 trillion annually, and the profit-value of british slave-based industries to constitute, say, at most, 5% of the british economy during any given year of the 1760-1830 industrial revolution, it would therefore follow that, in order to clear the slate with the afro-caribbean community, and to equitably recognize this community's proportional and cumulative historic contribution to our thriving modern-day economy, the british government would actually have to fork out £100 billion in slavery-reparations for the next 70 years - or pay a one-off lump-sum to the descendants of african-slaves amounting to £7 trillion.

however, this alternative current-day-conversion figure of £7 trillion does not take into account slave-based profits accrued from the beginning of the english slaved-based industry in 1562, during the reign of elizabeth i - when captain john hawkins made the first of three slaving-voyages to africa, and captured over 1200 africans who were then sold as goods in the spanish colonies of the americas - nor does it include slave-based profits accrued between 1625 - when barbados became the first english plantation-settlement in the caribbean - and 1760 - the advent of the industrial revolution - nor does it include slave-based profits accrued between 1830 - the conclusion of the industrial revolution - and 1834 - the date of slavery's abolition in the british empire - and indeed, nor does it include profits accrued from caribbean plantations right up until the end of the british colonial period, during the latter half of the 20th century - and therefore in many ways, this afore-mentioned estimate of £7 trillion could conceivably be construed as somewhat conservative.

of course, the - minimum - £7 trillion current-day-conversion-figure for slavery-reparations, to which i have heretofore referred, is purely hypothetical, nay negotiable, and in light of the fact that our modern economy is majorly reliant upon the sale and manufacture of various diabolic armaments, and other hideous weapons of mass-destruction, it is quite possible that, due to insuppressible religious considerations, the coalition of rastafari movement groups - which in 2004 itself lodged a reasonably substantial claim of £72.5 billion for slavery-reparations - might, in the given present circumstances, perhaps not wish to accept absolutely the entire available sum, as duly calculated by myself - not that i am in any manner of position to make judgment, obviously.

now, it must be be borne in mind that the corrupt nature of government-to-government-administrated reparation-schemes inevitably tends to precipitate the massive procurement of destructive military hardware by even the smallest of claimant-states - which may subsequently evolve into obnoxious, repressive, regional bully-boys - and, to be fair, therefore, there should be considered a variegated multitude of alternative means by which slavery-reparations, and compensation for colonialism, might judiciously be effected - via the foundation of a so-called 'commonwealth', for example, whereby all citizens of said 'commonwealth' might, by historical right, enjoy the freedom to reside in the former colonial 'mother-country' of great britain, wherein they might further enjoy all the normal benefits and conditions of said residence strictly in common with the indigenous citizens of great britain themselves.

moreover, all descendants of british-owned slaves, regardless of colour, class, creed, or current circumstance, should be awarded the automatic freedom of access to an incorruptible british justice-system invested with the statutory power to recover - whether this be from individuals, institutions or corporations - the criminally acquired slave-produced wealth which rightfully and inherently belongs to them - for indeed, any justice-system which fails to deliver such required retrospective reparation cannot ever lawfully be deemed a true system of justice.


sources:

enslavement and industrialisation - by robin blackburn

the abolition project - east of england broadband network and mla east of england

atlantic slave trade - wikipedia

economy of the united kingdom - wikipedia

historical uk inflation and price conversion - stephen morley

clipped words

it is with the greatest chagrin that i must report the summary and cynical deletion of my critical comment upon the jamaica observer article entitled british pm comes today, japanese tomorrow; moderators are at best an ignorant stuck-up race - from whichever part of the world they may hail - and jamaican ones are evidently no exception to this rule.

the offending comment is republished here-below:

"sorry to disillusion you guys over in ja, but apparently the purpose of dave "piggyback" cameron's visit is to give your government 25 million english pounds - specifically for the construction of a new prison designed to rehouse jamaican convicts who are being returned from britain.

ok, i'm not in favour of slavery-reparations myself, because the funds would come straight out of the british working man or woman's taxes and would probably end up in the pockets of jamaica's wealthy political elite, which is no doubt as corrupt and conniving as ours here in the uk, but that being said, there is still plenty the british government could do for your countrymen, who obviously reside on both our islands...

...you know, really 'positive' moves, such as: 

a) not treating jamaicans like shit

b) giving jamaicans an equal break in british society

c) stopping the racial vilification of jamaicans in the british press 

yes, you see, people like david "piggywank" cameron think of jamaicans only as criminals, and that is why the only social project which he and his public-school brethren can conjecture financing in jamaica is a nice new gaol, a place where he probably imagines jamaicans feel 'at home'...

...and so sadly, our prime-minister would never contemplate handing over money for the building of schools or hospitals or any-such-honest-to-good-thing - largely because he would never contemplate building such essential municipal amenities for working-class people back home in the uk, let alone for jamaicans in jamaica.

thus, i can but apologize for the race-slapping insult which mr cameron is about to deliver you folks, but in his defence, i can verily avow that he had a most disadvantaged upbringing as a country swineherd in berkshire, before attending a common pig-breeding school called eton college, and ultimately finished his agricultural education at a bacon-processing factory in oxford city by the name of brasenose, where he learnt the finer points of traditional pork-curing and hog-roasting on his own home-made spit.

understandably, therefore, our prime minister has no knowledge of history, or the slave-trade, or even the basic courtesy of good-manners and decency - for he has spent the best part of his life with his hand up a pig's arse in search of something he once lost there.

quite honestly, i suggest you take the cash, forget to build the penal-colony, and send the villains back over to blighty in order to teach our dear leader a lesson in international diplomacy - because if you do not, i fear that your beautiful caribbean isle may soon resemble australia, which, as you may be aware, is full of british crims, white ones.

indeed, if your jamaican government gives cameron an inch, he will surely take a country-mile, and you should imminently prepare to become a permanent detention-and-rehabilitation centre for common white criminals, jihadists transferred from guantanamo bay, and tony blair - when we've nicked the murdering fascist flink. 

hey, plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose...


ps:

i don't know what your premier, sista 'p', is doing schmoozing with president obama - he's a genocidal neo-colonialist who drops bombs on black and brown people in africa, don't ya realize, man?"

shirty corby's minging manifesto: unexpurgated version

"what we most urgently need in this country is a fairer society, in fact it must be completely recalibrated in order to ensure that privilege and elitism are wiped-out forever...

and the most simple, effective way in which we can achieve this noble aim...is obviously to eradicate all government and public-sector corruption, at its root, here in the seat of power, and where-so-ever it flourishes on these criminality-ridden islands, in the offices of local, regional and national power...

but you know...i'm getting a bit long-in-the-tooth for all this revolution lark...and tearing down the current, decadent establishment of barbaric, self-interested exploitation - of which, as a prehistoric parliamentary fossil, i am a fully paid-off member - and then entirely reconstructing it, such that everyone, regardless of colour, creed or social class can happily co-exist on level terms, sounds to me like rather a big job, and, at the end-of-the-day, a bloody great shit-load of hard work...

so what i actually propose to do is ermmm...let all those stinky-rich buggers buy me off with a few extra pennies-in-the-pound on income-tax, as a soft form of liberal punishment, you see...and then let them carry on harvesting the system, and the hard labour of the general population, much in the middle-class manner to which they have always been accustomed...

after that, i'm going to drop 'round to my mate eddie's, the dodgiest fucking printer in the whole of london, now trading as smudgitup's, and we're gonna run off a couple of trillion quid's worth of brand-new tenners...ok, so we'll probably start to trip-out just looking at the psychedelic double-fuzzy reverb-effect on jane austen's ghost-image mug-shot...but hey, look on the bright side, we could put the drug-gangs permanently out of business, and even encourage people to save their bank-notes for a rainy day...

then we're gonna add this pile of people's quantitative easing to the extra cash from tax-receipts and stash the lot in my bedroom, basically someplace where the missus can't get her sweaty little mexican mitts on it - because there's no way i can risk her buying up futures on the commodity exchange, we're knee-deep in bloody coffee-beans already...

of course, i do not intend to keep all this dosh for myself, oh nono, i sincerely plan to redistribute the funds, señora corbyn permitting, straight to my gangster friends in local government, who, after pocketing half the proceeds in personal commission fees, will then redistribute said funds to cowboy public-sector contractors in return for thousands of phantom sleeping-policemen, politically-correct traffic-lights where no fucking bugger wants them, and a diversity of other silly street-furniture-shifting sodding shite...

(oh yeah, whats good for the greedy city-banker is good for the bent town-hall grafter...)

furthermore, i trust that local council stasi-officers will also leave sufficient resources available to mount highly vicious campaigns of political intimidation and harassment against any non-socialist residents and other non-aligned, non-voting blogger-types, who will clearly be required to undergo extensive social re-education courses and be subject to continuous, 24-hour internal-external-in-the-bed-on-the-bog-style deep-'n-intimate surveillance programmes, whereby all forms of communication, whether digital, telephonic, written, oral, or physical, will be monitored and archived at all times...because yes, you guessed it, in my little red book, there are only two kinds of people in this world: those who vote for me, and those who don't - you're either a socialist or an extremist, or non communistarum, ergo barbarus as we used to say in classics lessons.  ha yes, i knew my grammar school education would come in handy one day...

(no, in reality, i hated grammar school, terrible place it woz...and as a result of my bitter experience, i am now violently and ideologically opposed to the entire grammar school education system - ruined my life it did - however, brother piers has a wacky alternative theory and reckons i just hated school coz i woz so fuckin' dense...)

anyway, getting back to the point, my motto is: why prevent the rich corruptly and criminally redistributing money to themselves via abuse of democratic power and privilege (and thus practically eliminate poverty from society), when you can always re-redistribute their vast ill-gotten booty into a titanic welfare-state of poverty-prolonging dependency, destroy the moral fabric of society from within, and hand comrades a fair opportunity to fiddle tax-payers' money back through fraudulent benefit claims...?

revolution?  can't be arsed, mate - but as a purely cosmetic communistic exercize, we're gonna rock rugby, give harrow the old heave-ho, and concrete over eton to make way for a nice, new, modern comp.

nationalization?  yes, one of the great socialist success-stories of the seventies...

...which our more youthful members of society may not perhaps fully appreciate...

...well, you see, in the case of the railways, we have a wide spectrum of service amongst the various franchise-companies - ranging from top-class to utter-shite.  now, take the worst train-line you have ever had the misfortune upon which to travel...and imagine that the company running this line has been put in charge of the entire rail-network...and you will soon get a pretty clear picture of how our rail-system will fare under the people's locomotion operative, or plop - as i intend to rename it...

...because what i know is this: young men and women are flocking from the world over to live and work in london and the uk, many of them young socialists...and what they all want, more than anything else, is not the seamless, air-conditioned service of safe, modern public-transport, but to get a genuine flavour of grim, strike-bound eighties-britain, back in its horrid, hazy hey-day...and so what better entrée could we serve these guys up than the good-old-fashioned, authentic 'british rail experience'?  hitler made the trains run-on-time - and i say making the trains run-on-time is anti-semitic, so there...

...and this in turn reminds me of my brand-new, butt-kicking campaign slogan:

"yes, we're getting there..."

...which i'd somehow forgotten.

next, i must mention the united states of america - where the white administration still regards black people as runaway slaves...

...but hey, what d'you expect from a country founded on slavery?  of course, britain wasn't founded on slavery - well, not completely anyway - it just founded the north atlantic slave-trade, and then profited from it quite-a-bloody-lot, just like these mercenary people-smugglers today, who keep the european and uk's cheap-labour-market topped-up with eager freedom-seeking immigrants - without papers and without rights - whilst leaving a cruel percentage of their desperate, starving customers to die in the back of freezing juggernauts, and in the bottom of leaky, unseaworthy rust-bucket-boats.

our uk government dropped the bombs in africa and the middle-east which triggered this tsunami of humanity, our uk government has pursued the protectionist economic policies which have impoverished the entire continent of africa, and our uk government's intelligence services have assisted with the cia's civil-war-start-up-programme in somalia, syria, libya, ukraine, and even, via corrupt political interference, in nigeria, where violent-rebellion has been cynically stirred-up by the violent, repressive, british-and-american-backed rulers of that nation, for whom a cunningly manufactured war against terror attracts huge dollar-funding from the white house administration: now we must begin to look after the war-victims which form the major part of the bush-blair-obama-cameron legacy.

inhumane british and european union immigration legislation is forcing the desperate to drown themselves in our seas - how about abolishing it in order to allow migrants and refugees, whether economic or political, to board proper, safe, sanitary ferries, just like we elitist europeans do?

oh...and maybe the mandatory construction of an asylum-seeker-new-town, on chipping norton, might concentrate our esteemed conservative friends' minds on the main matter-at-hand...?

now, naturally, i'm fairly worried about being terminated by the cia before the labour-leadership ballot-results are returned on 12th september, 2015...

...and when under threat of assassination by the cia, who better to arrange my personal security and act as minders than the cia's very best buddies themselves: marty and gerry, the bother-boys from belfast?

do i like vladimir putin?  no, he hasn't got a beard...

...oooooooh, but being a big, furry, russian bear, he does have a rather nice hairy chest...

oooh dear, tricky one...

bushy beard?  hairy chest?

bushy beard?  hairy chest?

bushy beard?  hairy chest?

cia?  kgb?

western imperialism?  eastern-bloc communism?

bushy beard?  hairy chest?

bushy beard?  hairy chest?

oh shit, i feel a splitting headache coming on...

ermmm...crikey, i've had a fucking major brain-wave...

wool...

yes, wool: the answer to all our economic problems...fairer than slavery, safer to produce than coal...yep, we can all go back to trading in wool - it's ecologically sustainable, organic, no-one gets harmed, everybody's happy, except baa-baa, when he get fleeced, of course...and guess what?  i know a few sheep up in the cotswolds who need a damn good fucking shearing...

ok, so we're gonna nationalize every farmstead in the country, set up sheep-processing communes, and make knitting a core-subject in the new school-curriculum...along with benefit studies, advanced shepherding...and pure-and-and-applied sheep-counting.

errr...so...right....what this country needs is to get back to basics - the proletariat must seize the means of production...coz the unions ain't got 'em, that's for sure; yay, for too long our natural, indigenous, british brand of socialism has been infected by conservative capitalist greed...our own dear labour party has been sorely subverted by elitist bourgeois infiltrators, who have woven such a wicked and insidious web of organized corruption that the views of the actual grass-zoot membership are currently no longer represented, or regarded, in parliament, in any recognizable manner...

...even our own so-called red ken has shamefully succumbed to temptation and been infected by evil blue-thoughts...and i ask you this: how can i associate with a man who oversaw the establishment of a public-private transport-partnership, which has, bendy-bloody-buses aside, successfully managed the running of a half-decent, and reasonably efficient, london bus-service...?

...and i herewith promise the people of britain that, upon ascending to high office, i will duly and summarily banish the refusnik formerly known as 'red' ken from the entire administrative area bounded by the m25 motorway...and exile him to the distant, deep-blue-rinsed constituency of eastbourne, where he will make atonement for his irredeemable sins against socialism by helping old tory biddies across the street for the duration of eternity.  amen.

frankly, god-only-knows with whom ken's been associating lately in the capitalist-piggy-bank sector...?

my policy on terrorism?  well, first i'm gonna make tony blair a peer and invite every international anti-state terrorist and insurgent, from the whole planet, along with each and every one of our own, six-hundred or so, duly and democratically-elected terrorists of state - plus, of course, the undemocratically-appointed, fur-trimmed lord-and-lady-terrorists of the realm - into the houses of parliament for a coffee-morning-cum-conference-thingy...

...and then, because i'm not really one for confrontation or anythink...i'm gonna leggit straight to a traditional london hostelry situated at a suitably safe distance from westminster, where i will take indefinite refuge under a pub-table and stick my fingers firmly in my ears - this course of direct action should, i am advised, cure a multitude of multi-national political evils and save on exorbitant proposed parliamentary refurbishment plans...

of course, i should, by rights, be advocating the immediate prosecution, discombobulation and permanent political excommunication of tony blair inc for crimes against humanity...

...but he's labour...he's one of us, init...?

...finally then, the part of my 7-year-growth-plan for which you have all been waiting, with anxious brows and bated breath:

t'raaah...the announcement of the wild bunch...errr-ooops, i mean my first people's shady cabinet...


foreign office:

as already indicated, i am not particularly a man for confrontation - so i will be sending georgie bawlaway, armed with his double-barrelled gob, on all overseas missions requiring a modicum of diplomacy or tact.


immigration:

as minister of this vital government service, i will be appointing great-aunty bessie's cocker spaniel, rover, to stand guard over the white cliffs of dover - in fact, he alone will replace the entire immigration department.  good boy.


the exchequer:

mrs corbyn will be counting the beans...either that, or i'll be losing my nuts...


home office:

although dame diana double-dollop expressed a sincere wish to be in charge of agriculture, food and fisheries, i was of the confirmed opinion that this post would not stretch her, and that our veteran restaurant-inspector should, conversely, head-up tings at the home office; moreover, i understand from extensive briefings down at the three square meals public house, stoke newington church street, that dame diana will be drafting in a small private army of highly-trained sistas from the combat collective, who apparently insist on policing both the capital, and country, for free - indeed, as an integral component of their 'babylon-off-the-beat' franchise, the afro-caribbean anti-crime-consortium concerned promise to deliver complementary riot-squad-protection for cherished national piss-ups including wimbledon, royal ascot, the proms, the boat race, henley regatta, and cricket at lords.


overseas-aid:

in light of his deeply principled stance against foreign military intervention, plus a share of the popular vote which deserves at least some limited representation in parliament, i shall be appointing mr nigel frograge as a junior secretary in the overseas-aid department, which, as luck would have it, will command the largest budget of any in whitehall; mr frograge's job will consist in giving away every last single penny available from the treasury to those funny-coloured people abroad - upon pain, that is, of severe corrective measures being summarily administered by his über-strict, disciplinarian boss, the ever watchful leanne "whiplash" wood.


environment:

fuck-off piers - no, you cannot be a weatherman, you caused global-fucking-warming, you meddling four-eyed cunt.


tax and welfare:

as i hinted earlier, the need for taxes and welfare could be wholly negated, and the respective executive departments totally dismantled, if we could only sum up the political courage to eliminate the endemic corruption from within government, which in turn breeds privilege and elitism for the wealthy, but poverty and ill-health for the static social underclass...

...but to-be-honest, i just can't be fussed...and anyhow, i need to create jobs for the boys in the unions.


defence:

last-but-not-least, to conclude the frontbench line-up, we will have nicki, shungun of shotland, tossing the icbm...

...and since, merely to conjure this frightful, chilling image should ensure that mr putin, the chinese army, the american military, and even the most diabolical, battle-toughened, and brutally-obsessed terrorist will not dare to venture within five-hundred fucking miles of our serene and idyllic isles...

...i see no further point whatever in maintaining either armed forces or a ministry of defence.


                                     *    *    *


haha...so the irish republicans, gerry and marty, have switched their support over to me - this means the cia have at last dumped brand-damaged blair and the power of the national grid will now be all mine, all mine, i say...

mine, mine, mine, mine, mine...

one doughnut to rule them all, one doughnut to find them,
one doughnut to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

aaah...my progress, my progress..."


sc

clipped words

presented to you here below is the rudely deleted comment which i posted late last night on david hirsh's jerusalem post article: if corbyn wins.  my response to his piece on our mangy moth-eaten messiah was clearly way too morally sophisticated for goldsmiths' college's david hirsh and the jerusalem post to handle - well, either that, or israelis can't take the criticism they dish out, and therefore refuse, or fear, to engage in proper debate.

david hirsh's attack on dirty corby was, to my mind, intellectually slack, politically sloppy, journalistically lazy, and definitely not up to scratch in comparison with the sheer academic standards we have traditionally come to expect from our highly talented jewish friends...but there again, i suppose...what do you really expect from a jumped-up souf-london sociologist?  i think 'conceit', 'arrogance' and 'complacency' are the key words which spring to mind here - obviously these israeli guys just don't want to compete on a level playing-field, and are really fucking bad losers.

"i certainly agree that mr corbyn, in common with many on the far left of british politics, appears to have far too cozy a relationship with islamists and former members of the irish republican army, but in his defence, his stated policy is one of inclusivity, dialogue, and the promotion of peace - the exact opposite of that which the american, israeli, french, and british governments have historically espoused. 

anyway, why should, for example, jeremy corbyn take up the case of israeli lobby groups, when their views are already well represented in the british parliament by so many fanatically pro-israeli members?  and why should he not commend press tv and russia today for criticizing the british and american governments, when the british broadcasting corporation and other mainstream western media outlets have time-and-again proved themselves to be intellectually and morally incapable of providing such analytical depth, let alone any semblance of objectivity?

many british citizens are sick-to-the-back-teeth of war, as dictated by our aggressive western foreign policy of military intervention, and they sincerely hope that mr corbyn possesses the requisite diplomatic skills and experience to resolve many of the issues which lead to these devastating and wickedly destabilizing conflicts in today's world - do israelis truly share these same hopes for peace?

so please, what is the distinction between criticism of israel and anti-semitism, when serious criticism of israel inevitably seems to precipitate the deliberately discussion-distracting charge of anti-semitism?

i lived for some time amongst the hasidic jewish community located in stamford hill, london, which, as i understand, strongly opposes the actions of the state of israel, and even the very foundation of the state of israel, on ideological grounds - does this therefore constitute anti-semitism on their part?  the hasidic jewish community of which i speak lives in harmony with its palestinian neighbours, and sometime in the early 1990s - check in the hackney gazette, if you please - i even remember the spiritual leaders of this tranquil hasidic community joining with local palestinians to perform a ceremonial burning of the israeli state-flag in protest over israeli repression - was that an act of anti-semitism by the rabbi in question?  i also believe that members of the hasidic jewish community are politically anti-zionist - is this to be considered anti-semitic?

appallingly, i now hear that this peace-loving jewish community has become the target of ignorant, brutish, neo-nazi thugs.

i agree that organized boycotts of israel are wrong, just as the socially-damaging economic sanctions against iran and iraq were wrong - it is estimated, by some observers, that millions may have died as a consequence of the western sanctions against the iraqis, many of them children; sanctions are not only socially and physically devastating, they are immoral, because they have fatal effects on an innocent civilian population which may already be experiencing severe oppression; sanctions can also have disastrous political repercussions, and tend to assist the rise to power of tyrannical régimes such as the islamic state - in fact, i'm sure you must be aware that allied sanctions against germany following the first world war directly fostered the public discontent which catapulted to power adolf hitler and the nazi party.

truly, i am surprised that jeremy corbyn backs boycotts as policy - boycotts did nothing to end apartheid in south africa, and moreover, the nineteenth-century equivalent of sanctions against ireland, the corn laws, a protectionist trade policy promoted by benjamin disraeli, for one, helped turn a potato famine into what eventually became the de facto irish holocaust.

however, mr hirsh, in respect of the current crisis in iraq, i frankly find it churlish that you seek to justify a string of fundamentally immoral, neo-colonial wars by selectively referencing the rôle played by the royal air force and the american air force in saving yazidis from the islamic state, when you perfectly well know that the primary objective of these western forces was, and is, to protect western oil interests - in fact, i judge your comments to be especially obtuse in light of the fact that the islamic state, essentially armed by the west to fight assad's government, has arisen from the ashes of an illegal, immoral, and completely misjudged western war in iraq, which has itself precipitated the genocide of millions of arabs...

...and given that these wars have constituted a gross act of criminality, is it extremist for a muslim man to wish to defend his lands against insurgent british forces?  were british forces to invade israel, would it be extremist for israelis to resist militarily?  furthermore, what meaning has the word 'extremist' in the context of a repressive western polity, where merely to criticize our western-initiated wars automatically results in one being labelled an 'extremist' by those propagandists such as formed mr blair's government?  has not the term 'extremist' now been completely devalued by widespread casual, flippant and unexamined use?

i agree that mr corbyn's left-wing supporters may possibly be tempted by totalitarianism, and i fully intend to take this matter up with him on a personal level - but are not all politicians, power-seekers, and governments, worldwide, tempted by totalitarianism?  do not many regard israel and the united states themselves as totalitarian states?

as a non-aligned blogger engaged in the promotion of non-violence, who has been put under permanent 24-hour surveillance by the new labour and successive governments, simply for voicing strong opposition to the iraq war and american foreign policy, am i not entitled to view the british government as totalitarian?  for daring to express my views, i have been intimidated and physically threatened by violent labour activists in hackney, london, and have suffered a prolonged and personal hate campaign, which was initially mounted against me, in secret, by local officials with links to the new labour government - am i not then entitled to regard mr blair and the new labour government as totalitarian?  words are cheap, but lives are not - in a civilized society, at least.

therefore, whilst i concur with much of your criticism of mr corbyn, i am convinced that israel has many serious charges to answer as well - the zionism instrinsic to israeli society and politics has doubtless created a superiority complex amongst its jewish citizens, infecting the wider jewish diaspora also, which encourages many jewish people to falsely judge other cultures and ethnicities as distinctly inferior to their own, not least societies of african-origin, whose members are routinely regarded by a preponderance of jewish people as really little better than sub-human, and indeed, it is this conceited attitude of jewish racial and moral superiority which has gravely infected the politics of the middle-east to the point of almost utterly destabilizing that region.

another serious charge which israel must face - along, it has to be said, with america, france and britain - is the genocidal exploitation of the african continent; so long as israel refuses to act against and prosecute the american-israeli businessmen who have criminally facilitated, in league with the cia, the plundering, for astronomical profit, of militarily and commercially valuable mineral resources from that continent, most notably in congo - where a bare minimum of 5 million people were massacred during the course of the clinton inspired coups and resultant wars - black people, all around the globe, will never be able to trust israel, nor jewish people in general.

if you wish to frame my criticism of israel as conspiracy theory or anti-semitism, please be my guest, but to deny the truth concerning the cultivation of this multi-national, multi-cultural evil, in which israel and jewish people have undoubtedly played their fair share, is tantamount to condemning humanity to oblivion.

yes, many british people wish to see mr corbyn elected as leader of the labour party and opposition, and maybe even progress to fill the post of prime-minister of the united kingdom - and they do so because, for the first time in british history, they see a real possibility that a british government, of whichever political hue, could actually formulate a foreign policy which signally fails to treat black and brown people as fair-trade farm-animals and convenient commercial cannon-fodder...

...now why would israelis or jewish people want to object to that, my son?"

breaking-news-update:

i am sorry to report that one of our most experienced, respected and revered commenters, namely lady laaardidah of lordship road, has been brutally banned from expressing herself on the jerusalem post website. iz it coz she iz black? or iz it coz the jewish race consider themselves to be above comparison with rastafarians? shame really - because, having done much business with jewish entrepreneurs in the past, i was always under the confirmed impression that jewish guys loved a good laugh about their religion...and since, on the grounds of their deeply and strictly observed faith, the two communities here in question, rastafarian and hasidic, both abstain from eating pork, both wear their hair in dreadlocks, both subscribe to the custom of wearing hats, and both get a bit narked about the state of israel, i cannot for-the-life-of-me understand why such obvious comparison should pose a problem?

anyhow, once again, i will re-publish the offending comment here below, which was made, in all innocence, in response to the above-mentioned one of my own, and allow readers the opportunity, for themselves, to decide upon whether the bounds of good taste and decency have been wantonly breached by our highly esteemed, if occasionally verbally-accident-prone, legislative representative - needless to say, lady laaardidah is, at this very difficult time, totally and utterly inconsolable, suspecting as she does that this extreme course of exclusive action constitutes a prima facie case of the most vile and cynical discrimination.

"hi davy, darling...love your gig bro...

ya, those hasidic guys...

they're like errr...the jewish rastas, aren't they?

you know...sort of mystic religious anti-establishment-rebel types, ok ya...?

oh and errr...i see you caught the drift of my latest expression...

ya, there's a new wind blowing through british politics...

and to be honest hunny, most of it's coming straight outta my arse."

well, i can't actually see the problem myself, can you?