home secretary cracks down on use of nouns, pronouns, adjectives, and adverbs

theresa dismay has today set out her plans to introduce new communications legislation aimed at banning all words - in a bbc no-insight interview with jeremy vexedman, she explained that these subversive verbal items have been discovered to assist in the instigation, preparation and commission of acts of terrorism, and have also been used to say nasty mean horrible things about her and her mates in government.  the cabinet minister stated that she was going to deal with all parts of speech equally, but that to be strictly honest it was articles which were causing the most serious problems - she intends to proscribe all words in all dictionaries in all languages and a few more besides, and says if anyone thinks up any new ones, they're gonna be in bloody deep dog-shit.

jeremy vexedman said he couldn't quite see the object of the new laws, but otherwise seemed lost for questions...

...and we here at spark up! have nothing to say on the subject either.