Saturday, 18 May 2013
too many kookie flag-wagglers spoil the british broth
owing to the twin trials of a close shave with frisky frisian separatists and an unscheduled mental abstraction by over-zealous froggie fans who left me digitally stranded with a gadget possessing the technological sophistication of a high-falutin fucking flapjack, blogging has not been possible in recent weeks...
...but now things have been succinctly sorted, spark up! can exclusively break the shocking news that, in the face of a very britannic civil war over exactly where english fruitcake ends and scottish dundee-cake begins, our evergreen prime-minister, dave "cucumber-patch" cameron, has abruptly back-tracked on parliamentary proposals to construct the highly-subsidized-choo-choo to economic ruin and instead diverted the £333 billion pre-allocated treasury funds into integral structural improvement and modernization of adrian's roll, the ancient british pastry-dyke running between tyneside and the solway firth, which has historically acted as a traditional boundary of ethnic demarcation and civil disunion.
it is further reported that celebrity exponent of true-blue-cuisine, cordon ramsarse, has been duly consulted and is currantly engaged in the process of testing the consistency and composition of the underlying cultural crust in order to establish the exact location of the disputed political fault-line - indeed, there is also confirmation that ramsarse has agreed to judge a great british fuck-off competition to design the decorative piping on the project.
in response to questions raised in the house of commons today, chef de partie cameron has been quoted as indicating his preference for a 'jimmy-jock' collaborative approach to resolving any aesthetic and artistic differences that may be encountered during the anglo-tartan co-production of this structure of vital national importance, and remains adamant that "good fences make good partnerships"; however, president "humbug" hollande of france has voiced concerns over the culinary specifications of cameron's turnover and stated his intention to supersede this « patisserie pathétique » with a giant all-encompassing european crâp - par-ce qu'il est un putain de cocksuckeur américain.
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11 comments:
i totally refute the suggestion that i am an unreconstituted fascist - my one and only political aspiration in life is to be picked from the nostril of the conservative party and lovingly ingested by its cabinet after the next general election.
a man wiz a dodgy soundingz foreign name attempts to exporting of hiz rather dafty brand-marks of english nationalizm to anozzer countries - you couldn't makes it up madame...
perhaps les singing scotties could be buildingz of zeir own sectionz of ze divizion departmentalistique wiz ze marzie bars and ze shortiebread blocs, while ze bloody english tunnel-digging barstards could be constructing ze ozzer parts of ze great wall of poundland wiz ze traditionel chipz anglaise, n'est-ce pas...?
i have a dream that, one day, nationalists of all nations and sub-nations across the european spectrum of libertarian conservatism will come together, hand-in-hand, or in each other's arms, as brothers united by one vision, of one people, with one country, and one leader...
oh yes, i have a dream - and being a british one, it's obviously a tad on the wet-side.
i hear that farage is a keen pub-pool-player and a fine exponent of the draw-shot - pity he can't transfer his ball-skills to the highland golf-courses, eh?
hi alex, i think actually you'll find the correct american-pool-term you're looking for there is the draw-back shot - just thought i should clear that little point up for the sake of complete accuracy, duckie.
18 May 2013 13:51
looking for a kiss are you, jimmy...?
no alex, jimmy's the other one - he's got different colour hair and a nicer arse. be careful how you handle yourself tho', mate - they've got pretty strict rules on cue-etiquette down there in the deep-south of london, and have been known to turn a bit squiffy towards people with funny foreign ways...
i don't know about mr farage's pool-playing abilities, but i hear that, in common with mr cordon ramsarse, he's made a bold foray north of the border with the stated aim of touring local areas of special scientific and cultural interest, sinking a few bore-holes, and testing the subterranean homeland waters for potability - unfortunately, he's found the indigenous geological liquors somewhat harder and heavier than the diluted bitter draughts to which he is accustomed to supping from the aquiferous tables of piddle england.
oh yeah, i believe the chirpy wee chappy was left reelly dizzy by the homegrown highland warmth of our jiggy-old official reception.
farage is quite obviously not a fascist, but has inadvertently, without any actual intention or pre-meditation whatsoever, attracted a shit-load of votes from fascists-without-a-cause softly sweating chardonnay in besieged fox-holes up-and-down the endangered and ever-decreasing middle-england conservation area formerly known as the british empire; the leftist vigilantes who mobbed farage are simply a misguided mélange of nationalists and socialists with misplaced loyalties who through no fault of their own are unable to express their lurking latent love for our great leader in an appropriate adult manner.
as the honourable trucker for worthing west, sir peter bottycrack (ooooh), ably demonstrated during the debate on the recent queen's speech, it is not always the introduction of draconian legislation which brings about a sea-change in cultural attitudes, but more commonly the inherent collective experience of the wider community; now admittedly, the remarks made by my honourable opponent were made with reference to matters of road safety, to which he is commendably committed, but might i also suggest that the same criteria be applied to the subject of immigration, the flow of which has historically remained totally unaffected by the legal environment of the day, instead being controlled by the state, or strength, of the economy, much like the tides are influenced by the phases and pulling-power of the moon.
furthermore, the proposals to exclude non-british nationals from free healthcare at the point-of-delivery could well facilitate the spread of nasty itchy indigenous bugs and viruses such as are already rapidly doing the rounds in our towns, cities and schoolyards.
nevertheless, that all said and done and put aside in separate little padlocked box at the back of my batty bungle-budgy bi-polar brain, it is a bloodclaaaaaart lie to state that the labour party did nothing during its last stint in government to persecute immigrants and fuck them over royally for the sake of a few measly votes from wavering recidivist rednecks in our native neanderthal reservations, and i give tony stary-eyes, lord paul boereng, and davy spunkett full credit for their stirling efforts in this respect...
...and mark my words, you wanky wet weasel-worded nazi wannabes on the opposite benches...mi nasty socialist brethren sitting behind me back here are well fucking hardcore racists man, and come the next general election they gonna show you flimsy fairy welly-booted fascists where traditional true-british wog-bashing is really at t'rass.
so there.
naaaaaa
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