snooker-ass steve sleights indian subcontinent

in the course of presenting a potted history of snooker for the british broadcasting corporation, six-times world-champ sir steve gravis has besmirched the strict etiquette of professional player-conduct by committing a blatant foul-stroke but failing to call it to general attention; essex-bred steve allegedly brought the popular billiard-spin-off sport into disrepute by deviously white-washing from his commentary the historic asian contribution to the invention of the modern game - instead attributing full ballistic honours to the british army.

despite provoking a widespread clatter of serious public unrest which has rebounded across every corner of the eastern hemisphere, the pouting sir steve has stubbornly remained po-faced amid mounting international pressure for him to give television audiences satisfaction by sitting on his cue.

to analyze the complex socio-political angles created by a venerated british sporting-ambassador conveniently swerving around the accepted historical truth, spark up! has consulted no-less an expert than steve gravis' pool-hustling peer, sir trev "trickshot" trillips, who when interviewed today found himself in a favourable position to string together a few short yet astute observations in order to give us the direct benefit of his vast knowledge and experience in such matters:

i must regrettably report that, primarily as a consequence of a well-misspent youth, my former club-mate sir steve gravis has foolishly flouted educated advice and insisted upon expounding a theory on the origins of snooker which has insulted indian culture in the most indiscriminate and ignorant manner. 

according to the encyclopeedia britannicka (my ultimate reference-point in life), the game of snooker was devized in 1874 at jabalpur british army barracks, india, by a certain sir neville chamberpot and fellow officers, who, whilst under the high himalayan influence of nepalese charas, confused the rules of billiards with the ancient local pastime of karrom. further research into this incipient indic board-game reveals that it was in fact nicked from the greeks who in turn nicked it off the egyptians - this latter discovery being a frisson-inducing finding which opens the anthropological doors on theories that snooker possibly first emerged in the african rift valley, where pre-historic homo sapiens tribesmen happened to spectate upon a strikingly similar game (played by a since extinct early hominid, or ape-man, species using spears and their enemies' testicles) which they were subsequently inspired to develop and hone, through the tireless striving of thousands of years of craftmanship and ingenuity, into a portable package sufficiently civilized to flog-off to the pharaohs.

indeed, the deep african influence is still evident in the modern game of snooker which we all know and cherish today, and thus i believe it to be absolutely non-coincidental that the black-ball bears the highest value, whilst the white-ball assumes no intrinsic numerical value whatsoever, being but an expedient device with which to take pot-shots at the many and various coloured balls - almost as if the table were in some strange way analogous to this our crowded earthly world and the players the sublimely intelligent gods who created it...

in conclusion, might i remark upon the less obvious african connections of those illuminati who have in recent times graced the green baize of this great game and done so much to frame its irresistible appeal - first, ronnie "the conscious" o'suliman, who has always bravely acknowledged his 'dark side', and finally, sir steve "gingernacks" gravis himself, whose proud nubian ethnicity is disturbingly disguised by a cruelly disfiguring screwback gene issuing from a progressive welsh missionary.

i rest my case.