spark up!

curtailed words: democratic debate summarily stifled on underdogs bite upwards

2012-01-09T20:09:00.011Z

due to an undemocratic and ruthless lord-high leg-iron-led dictatorship taking immoral control of the underdogs bite upwards editorial command, spark up! has stepped-up smartly to the posting-plate in order to defend that most cherished, exquisite and delicate treasure which we once knew as freedom-of-speech, and to allow our valued friend lady diana dubble-dollop the equal opportunity to reply to rab on the socially-exclusive abbot - ah, but... discussion thread.

lady diana dubble-dollop wanted to say:

hi guys, thanks for the expenses - it means i've been able to pay-off my coco-slate and have just taken delivery of a fresh tanker-load. it's top grade shit - i gave the driver a 'nice big tip' and in return he saw his way clear to giving moi an extra big squirt.

anyway...i'm not quite sure why red edit and kenny wadisa are using down the mineshaft's screen-account? but obviously we cia brethren can do any damn baamba shite-jinks we like, so why not, hey?

oh, eddy baby...methinks he doth protest too much, don't ya? he's a great sport tho' and i've always had a soft-and-soggy centre for him since the day i 'took him under my wing' whilst teaching elementary bull-shitting at rada...

and well, really...may i say that i feel most insulted by rab's tea-lady remark - i'll have him know that i gained my twilight position in a dodgy-corner of the shadow-cabinet on merit alone...it's got nothink to-do with any sort of racial discrimination, positive discrimination, or the fact i've got both eds' balls in a digitally-recorded vice (comprising a bedful of busty bountiful bouncing bajun babes) which they don't wan't their err...paler partners to know anythink about...no, not at all...i provide the shadow-ministers of the shadow-cabinet with an invaluable service...be sensible now, who else could source, for members of a future british government, such high-quality ganj...err...i mean cannabis sativa (strictly for medicinal use in the nhs, naturally...)

...and what's all this nonsense about black cabs...i have no problem getting black cabs...all cabbies luv me man...i just have to abide by certain local by-laws (quite similar to those to which i am subject in cabinet, actually)...i don't think it necessary to go into unseemly detail...but suffice to say that the provision of a re-inforced rum-truffle-flavoured-gag shows just how far this country has progressed since the harsh days of slavery.

...mmm...and what was the original topic...oh ya, good heavens, you just can't say anything thesedays, can you? you know, if i'd said that white people are all lovely and yummy and their men all have huge great knock-out willies, we wouldn't be having this discussion, now would we, darling?

oh ya, have to dash now...eddy's passing 'round for dindins and i've got a bathful of choccy-custard-sauce on-the-go for the sponge-dessert...must jump-in before a skin forms.

the politicians, their cops, their robbers, and the community: how the police drew fire and caused a multi-cultural implosion

2011-08-07T17:49:00.024+01:00

this is what you get when the constabulary cross-over into the arts and media - a superintended sketch of death and destruction, hardly a picasso tho'...

...obviously rustled-up by someone a bit lower down the bill.

so what happened? did the victim shoot first? did he shoot second? did he shoot at all? did he panic and give police marksmen an excuse to execute him? did he need to give them an excuse? did the police make their own excuses (as per standard operational procedure)? we outsiders may never know, now that the independent police complaints commission are in charge of the show. however, i reckon it's fair to say that a young man black-enough to receive a free-and-obligatory state education in police-hatred was hunted-down and rapidly reformed by politically-correct gunmen with much bigger bang-bangs than the pop-stick they already knew he had in his possession. maybe friends of the authorities put the weapon into circulation with a complimentary tracker included? who knows? nevertheless, it's worth noting that, historically, only officials of white governments are permitted to shoot-first in self-defence - just as they have done in iraq, afghanistan, libya...

and so what happened next? well, that's a whole load simpler to explain:

this smacks of a racially-righteous revenge hit against left-wing-backed gangster-tappers suspected of getting the goods on the metropolitan's media-mafia front-man murdoch - a shell-shock-case of the authorities jumping the gun on the re-introduction of capital punishment. yet the trouble is...(and here i attempt to balance the book of badness, in the interests of social justice)...many of the inner-city gang-members, who will, from force-of-habit, guarantee the common-man a life of misery, anywhere the boys of the big-blue-babylon posse fail to deliver it first, are in fact themselves natural-born hangers-and-floggers. yes, it's no great secret: our beloved gangs are engaged in a continual turf-war with the copper-crew for civic customers (to subjugate) - their members budding enforcers of their own gang-culture and regulations, wannabee busies, if you like...and here, notwithstanding the rights-and-wrongs of this individual killing, is where the opinion of the ordinary citizen drifts unconsciously towards the territorial waters where one views such events as 'gangsters fighting gansters'...and not giving a hoot unless non-combatants, women, or children are caught in the cross-fire.

(i feel similarly about the deep electronic eavesdropping, computer-hacking and surveillance to which we are now accustomed to being subjected as a matter of course. the politicians use the police, the press, and underworld gangs to gain intelligence, but naturally these prolific press-gangs have a proclivity to spy-back on their political and business masters, and each other, for 'insurance purposes', in other words, blackmail opportunities, and to satisfy their craving for staving-off a collectively cool paranoia - i don't condone it, i wouldn't wish to encourage the practice of snooping any more than i'd want to encourage a person to smoke, it's emotionally unhealthy, but only for them...unless, that is, they target non-players, like myself, and casually try to intimidate with intimate insinuation...there again, i suppose, it's only detrimental if one is insufficiently strong, psychologically, to resist the temptation to partake in the hacking habit oneself. i guess it's the same all-over the country, we are bound to meet the politically-backed-up big-gang-leader who boldly slips us the sly suggestion of what he knows about our activities and hints at how he is empowered by his unassailable ideological beliefs to bully us, whilst, in the very same breath expounding upon the catalogue of his utterly altruistic actions and his consumately charitable character.)

anyway, the right-wing press (rather suspiciously) fell over themselves in their hasty glee to promulgate an eye-witness account of the victim being pinned to the ground and then shot in the head by law-officers - and the quote was subsequently picked-up and swiftly disseminated by left-wing activists and other agent-provocateurs in order to rack-up tensions. far from being unaware of the organized violence being planned against them, the policemen, having deliberately planted a couple of tactically positioned panda-cars nearby as inviting bait, proceeded to frustrate the peaceful protest-march with an arrogant lack of acknowledgement, and finally signalled authorization for the riot by gang-truncheoning a mouthy teenage girl, who chucked an unidentified flimsy object at them. next, enraged socialist-gangs went into overdrive and descended upon the billeaguered neighbourhood from all-around london, trashing, looting and torching private premises, commercial and domestic alike - beating-up anyone seen co-operating with the fire-fighters - and the officers of natural-law just stood back and let the community give itself a bloody-good hiding. as usual, we have been privileged to observe the spectacle of police and community movers-and-shakers working in perfect choreographed disharmony to produce a slickly staged scene of carnage. when will these guys ever realize that they have been systematically infiltrated and set-up? did they really think that this was the appropriate manner to mark the death of a respected 'community elder'. no wonder david lammy looked mortally embarrassed about his own christian-gangsters vandalizing his parliamentary consituency - divine retribution for him backing the bush and obama administrations' carpet-bombing of muslim communities in the middle east, methinks.

of course, i could be reading this all wrong, as there are claims by some rioters that they were incited to rebellion by a revolutionary polar bear who ate an eton schoolboy in retaliation for the recent massacre by a right-wing extremist of young socialists in oslo; the arctic mauling was a quite horrendous incident and i convey my sincerest condolences to the student's family - it is just so terribly tragic, if there were a god, he would surely have instead arranged for david cameron to have completed his expensive education thus.

clipped words

2011-07-24T20:33:00.002+01:00

the following comment, by the voice of obama's black conscience (i like to get things right), was deleted from a post entitled news roundup on call me ishmael:

i am being undemocratically censored by a thick fascist thug on the work beckons thread of underdogs bite upwards, but i may as well repeat the comment here, since the subject matter it is equally germaine to this site:

goddamnit, something seems to be niggling at my subconscious - and a gremlin has gotten in...try the remix:

my assiduous agents of free-speech-impediment have informed me that there is much talk on these comment-threads about my policy of prolonging, promoting, and perpetuating american and european allied wars against the white man's traditional target-markets (for bullets) - however, all is not as you guys may suspect, for the honest truth is this: i am subversively giving my brothers' former slave-masters enough racial-rope with which to lynch themselves, and fully expect that every white man will reap the reflux of his recidivism. really speaking, it's a win-win race-war for me - if the black man rises up, i will be hailed as his glorious saboteurial leader, if he falls, i am well-invested and will harvest the fruit of my multinational insurance policies, and, in any case, as things stand, the chinese are inscrutably impressed with the satisfactory progress i am making in delivering contractual continental suppression.

clipped words

2011-07-24T20:26:00.001+01:00

the following comment, by the voice of obama's black conscience (i like to get things right), was deleted from a post entitled work beckons on underdogs bite upwards:

goddamnit, something seems to be niggling at my subconscious - and a gremlin has gotten in...try the remix:

my assiduous agents of free-speech-impediment have informed me that there is much talk on these comment-threads about my policy of prolonging, promoting, and perpetuating american and european allied wars against the white man's traditional target-markets (for bullets) - however, all is not as you guys may suspect, for the honest truth is this: i am subversively giving my brothers' former slave-masters enough racial-rope with which to lynch themselves, and fully expect that every white man will reap the reflux of his recidivism. really speaking, it's a win-win race-war for me - if the black man rises up, i will be hailed as his glorious saboteurial leader, if he falls, i am well-invested and will harvest the fruit of my multinational insurance policies, and, in any case, as things stand, the chinese are inscrutably impressed with the satisfactory progress i am making in delivering contractual continental suppression.

clipped words

2011-07-24T14:52:00.006+01:00

the following comment, by not a hacker, was deleted from a post entitled work beckons on underdogs bite upwards:

00:35

yeah, i noticed some weird stuff happening too - a few weeks back, i was visiting your blog and it appeared that i was logged-in to your dashboard, i clicked on the editing symbol (out of curiosity), but was directed to the http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifblogger sign-in page. i reckon the people intercepting my internet-connection may also be hacking into your blog - either that, or you are hijacking my ip address and blogging through it. of course, this bloggehttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifr-trouble you're talking about could all be a rather badly disguised excuse for doing sod-all for a few weeks.

ps:

i presume you deleted-delayed-then-re-entered the 'wolf-aid revisited' comment because you sold the first version to staines or some other such cunt.

i think leg-iron has something to hide - and judging by the feed i am getting from the call me ishmael site it appears that he wants me to comment on it, presumably so that he can delete me there too (again). he seems to share character traits with captain ranty. piss off.

the commission for unconditioned equality

2011-06-25T18:19:00.009+01:00

the following entry, by nelson madela, was not deleted from the comments section of a post entitled abandon law, all ye who enter here on the underdogs bite upwards blog (presumably because, as sir trevor phillips always said, the president just ain't black enough):

ahhh...yes...mr leg-iron...a most pertinent exposition...of an age-old problem...although...for my part...i have always tended to favour...the route of...truth...and reconciliation...by whatever means necessary...let me give you an example...

now you may be...aware...that i have recently been honoured...to receive a visit...from the good lady wife...of the president of the united states...who kindly...found a window...in her heavy shopping schedule...to pop 'round...to my humble abode...for a cup of tea...very nice too...may i say...however...it probably...has not escaped...your attention...that...the first lady...was not...accompanied...by her husband...

mmm...of course...i am sure...that there were...very pressing and...expedient...reasons...for the president's...inability...to make...the trip...but nevertheless...i wish him to know...that he should not...concern himself...unduly...for disappointing...no doubt...as his...enforced...absence...is...to us both...he may rest...absolutely...assured...that...i am not ready...to...peg-it...yet...and...i fully intend...to declare...a score...which prince philip...has...no damned chance...of passing...there-fore...i wait...in great expectation...on the...honour...of...the president's...attendance...and...being cognizant...nay...i should rather...say...sensitive...to the fact...that...he is not one...to miss...a photo-opportunity...i have...ready for him...here...behind the sofa...a traditional...donga...perhaps more familiar...to the president...as a...common...or garden...african...stick...which i'll use to beat his bony raaaassclath white american backside with if he doesn't quit flying his baaambaclath fighter-planes over mi yard t'raaaass

...excuse my...jamaican patois.

sir trevor for prime minister, methinks?

clipped words

2011-06-16T23:52:00.008+01:00

the following entry, by me, was deleted from the comments section of a blogpost entitled through the looking glass on underdogs bite upwards - the question therefore remains unanswered...:

dear mr leg-iron,

as local area convenor for the national association of firestokers and shitstirrers it has come to my attention, following complaints from a number of my members, that there has been an outbreak of comment-disappearing-and-then-later-inexplicably-reappearing-syndrome on google blogger blogs. we have received reports of this virus occurring on captain ranty, underdogs bite upwards, and even on my own blog spark up! in my own case, the deletion was completely unauthorized and was clearly effected by a hacker of some nature - indeed, the victim, micky molewarp, recently attempted to re-enter the afflicted comment after a time-span of several months, yet the comment was again summarily deleted by the stealth of an unseen, obsessive, and presumably ever watchful hand...yes, i appreciate that 'hands' cannot, strictly-speaking, be 'watchful', but that is neither here nor there. so, to return to the matter in hand...would you, in order to assist with our union's investigations, be in a position to divulge whether your own abducted comments were the result of:

a) an underdogs bite upwards editor with unresolved identity issues?

b) national government intelligence agency activity?

c) anonymous hackers?

d) national government intelligence agencies using the services of anonymous hackers?

or

e) any corrupt combination of the above?

ps: although, no particular fan of the organ of liberal censorship otherwise known as the guardian, i have to hand it to their measly old moderators for publishing micky molewarp's exposé, in full, in a post under my comment is free account (now sadly suspended, indefinitely).

god only knows how much this level of continuous surveillance must be costing the tax-payer.

clipped words

2011-06-06T14:41:00.006+01:00

the british establishment are apparently very keen to cover up the horrific manner in which our government deliberately destroys the cultures of foreign nations in order to precipitate mass immigration, which in turn provides an ever-brimming pool of cheap labour - the following comment, by ghostofnursetwatitch, was deleted by the guardian from its discussion thread on an article entitled pm wins row with nick clegg over crackdown on muslim extremists:

imagine a status quo where no ideologically motivated religious or political group (including imperialists like the conservatives, autocrats like the liberals, authoritarians like the labour party, fascists like gizmogizmo, and pompous prats like alpussdredger) could ever gain power and control, manipulate and exploit people...what a wonderful world that would be. it's not about changing our laws to accommodate other cultures (although ideally we would be grown-up enough live without laws, or at least have laws which do not infringe on citizens' personal freedoms), it's about not invading foreign lands and destroying other people's cultures - and so forcing them to immigrate here in order to make a living. if foreigners' homelands provided settled and stable environments in which to raise families, and they were not forced to enter this country for financial or security reasons, i am sure that immigration would be much reduced, and that the few who did choose to travel here would not feel that the united kingdom owed them any favours. we need a world under the reign of common-sense, really speaking - and of course, as a former nhs matron, i would be delighted to organize such libertarian utopia.

clipped words

2011-03-28T20:10:00.004+01:00

our security services are certainly keen to cover-up their plot to overthrow libya and siphon-off african oil - the following comment, by nursetwatitch was deleted by the guardian from its discussion thread on an article entitled libya. the observer debate: is it right to be intervening in libya's struggle for freedom?:

now, you might think that, as a true-blue babe of the women's institute, i would be backing prime minister davey dachshund's intervention in libya to the hilt of my sawn-off rolling-pin, but in fact i'm not - because i have detected, through the good orifices of the women's intelligence service, that he's fallen under the wicked unwomanitarian spell of president obama's shirty dirty conniving co...pardon, i mean...secretary, the arch-feminist, countess hillary clintwood.

i quite agree with mr dennis j kucinich, the dates of the planned military manoeuvres, code-named, operation southern mistral, are far too convenient to be true - and, suspiciously, have coincided exactly with the onset of the united nations' armed intervention. another 'strange coincidence' is that the mistral is a french wind which derives its name from the word meaning "masterly" in the languedoc dialect of the provençal language (although i tend to think of it as french guff, like all the pro-war propoganda we've been receiving on the radio), and it will come as no surprise, to more discerning readers, to learn that the mistral is a cold dry north-to-south-oriented draft which fans ferocious forest- and crop-fires - indeed its force can even be felt as far south as the north african coastline...reckon all this is far-fetched? well, listen-to-mummy: the mistral was also a french express-train which used to run on the paris-nice railroad...and now i believe you brain-stormed bbc scoffers are beginning to get my drift...

so put all of this together with the fact that the united states have urged the military of an effectively ungoverned egypt to supply the rebels with arms, the fact that the uprising happened right-on-time, the fact that potential candidates for the rebel leadership comprise westernized libyan dissidents, the fact that commentators on these pages have all but uncovered cia inflammation of the original unrest, the fact that the western coalition is weighing in heavily to make this fabricated french coup viable, the fact that the western nations have acted inconsistently by ignoring the plight of other democratic revolutions in the arab region, the fact that mi5 has hedged its bets by covertly grooming saif gaddafi to be the next (more liberal) libyan president, the fact that saif gaddafi is now attempting to cut a deal with the united nations, and the fact that colonel gaddafi is now being painted once more (after a brief kissy-kissy interlude with tony blair) as the terrorist-king...and any damn fool (even me) can clock that this is a cynically staged-war for the exclusive benefit of western oil-craving economies...perhaps western intelligences agencies even promised gadaffi that they would stir-up the latent rebellion specifically for him to quash...the west have definitely been playing all sides here...

...and, by the way, i see that my editor-in-chief, mr al pussdredger, has been pushing the loyalist line that the tokyo earthquake was, in reality, a pre-meditated strike by anti-western forces aligned with gaddafi, but this is totally untrue - the tragic honshu island atrocity (as the intelligence agency of every major power already knows) was a false-flag operation which was carried-out, with the full provocation of the cia, by supposedly anti-western elements completely unaligned with president gaddafi - and he will soon be smeared by a tumultuous tsunami of media-detonated terror-talk.

although i realize that the western alliance is now fighting to defend the lives of civilians which their own devious underhand actions have put in peril, although (when not disinfecting the dirty talk around here) i'm an unemployed medical professional, and although i'm none too pleased about the exquisite collection of wives and 'nurses' which the colonel has amassed, i really cannot comtemplate support for this violent interference into private african affairs and politics - many lives are being cut short and devastated, and i just do not need work that badly. surely, to ensure altruism, there should be a clause in any united nations resolution which prevents combatant intervening nations from benefiting from future oil, or other, dealings - now that would sort the prospectors from the protectors, wouldn't it?

clipped words

2011-03-18T05:15:00.002Z

the following two comments (by alpussdredger) were deleted (by mi5) from the guardian article, libya resolution: un security council air strikes vote - as it happened:

the tokyo earthquake was an attack by elements aligned with gaddafi - either anti-western forces or criminals attempting to rig-up oil prices and manipulate stock prices by precipitating nuclear havoc and war. the japanese disaster was triggered by drilling into the subduction-zone, nuclear detonation, and the deliberate introduction of sea-water, which caused massive adiabatic decompression leading to rock-melt in the surrounding geological fault. haiti and christchurch could have been test runs, and the gulf of mexico oil-spill a similar act of sabotage. every capital city, international stock-market, and tectonically-exposed conurbation in the pro-american diaspora is now under threat at any time - and the 2012 london olympics is a certainty for a strike. western governments are aware of this situation, and know that they are being held to ransom, yet they still jump to intervene in the affairs of other nations despite further aggravating the risk of abysmal world-war - by continuing to exercize the policy of control, exploitation and oppression which has historically made the west the coalition of enemies we see arrayed against it today. i am no supporter of despots such as gaddafi, but occupation of libya by foreign forces will not resolve the problem of this country's pre-disposal to being ruled by suppression - the people must effect this change themselves if the solution is to be a lasting one leading to a strong independent african nation, otherwise libyans will simply fall prey to some other parasitic potentate, or the sort of carnivorous cartel under which we suffer in the western-bloc. in fact any oppressed state in the world, which wishes to escape the cruel and abusive clutch of the vice in which it is gripped, must beware that it does not rush and fall into the octopus arms of another superimposed-power on the rebound, in an unfree trade-off - the relationship will not work out, as the 'new love' will inevitably exploit the reverse-revenge race-hatred which has been brewed in the enslaved people's hearts by the original man-hater, and will continue to crush them. i wish freedom upon those libyan individuals who seek it, but i fear that no government or political party will ever provide it. in any case, regardless of external influence, gaddafi has fatally undermined himself by killing his own countrymen, and brings about his own self-destruction inexorably nearer with every life he wastes - the rot has set-in. i am loathe to provide the information which is contained in this comment-post, since i am sure that pernicious protection racketeers are seeking to set me up as conduit of terror. the souls devastated in the catastrophic attacks on the twin-towers, new york, and on honshu island, japan, may, to some surviving victims of generational genocide, seem numerically insignificant in comparison to the tens and hundreds of millions slaughtered in the name of greed and power by the destructive dynasties of western nations and their supporters - but malevolently motivated mass-murder is still, and always will be, wrong.

@alpussdredger
18 march 2011 1:07am

and it is entirely possible, of course, that unscrupulous and wicked individuals within and affiliated to the international hierarchy (including libya) have stirred-up and staged this and other conflicts for personal profit and power.

this comment (on the same thread) has not as yet been deleted by mi5, but is meaningless without reference to the previous ones:

@alpussdredger
18 march 2011 1:24am

...namely by manipulating the prices of oil, other commodities, and stocks. now we must all pray that this intervention is predominately humanitarian and does not become a commercial venture. one can only hope.

why i will not be attending notting hill carnival 2011

2011-03-10T17:57:00.005Z

this year, i intend to avoid the annual notting hill carnival due to the presence of the following groups:

a) stupid white people: by which i mean the metropolitan police, who flock to this event each summer, irresistably attracted by the opportunity to provoke disturbances and engage in a spot of state-sponsored wog-bashing, on overtime.

b) stupid black people: by which i mean the community leaders who organize carnival and who always sanction a cop-shackled celebration of afro-caribbean culture, instead of standing on principle by cancelling carnival until such time as the police learn to attend the festivities as public servants, and not mob-handed serf-masters - the prevalence of this situation essentially being due to the fact that community leaders' favourite carnival sound is the ching-ca-ching-ca-ching of choked-up carnival cash-tills.

currently, carnival is no more than a cynically cordoned-off conflict-zone, meticulously organized by the london security authorities, in close collaboration with their corrupt counterparts in the local communities - their motto seems to be: why have a fiesta, when we can stage a fight?

clipped words

2011-02-10T05:31:00.006Z

the folowing comment by jocelynjackesien was deleted from the comment is free thread on a guardian article entitled radical feminism: what it is and why we're afraid of it, by jonathan dean:

radical feminism? what's that when it's at home?

what i want to know is this: when barbie doll blofeld's finally been dropped down a swedish oubliette, who's gonna stroke his lab-rat-gerbil guido fawkes? who's gonna take over day-to-day management of his cult spy-network of hackers, blackmailers, fraudsters and snoops? and when they want to carry out surveillance and suppression of political dissenters...who are the labour party quasi-stasi gonna sub-contract their dirty operations to? in fact, who's gonna fill the information-black-hole which will be left gaping in state intelligence agencies, political parties, media organisations and prominent blogs around the world? who are cameron and murdoch gonna turn to now? who's gonna oversee global infiltration of all political and communications institutions?

my god, it makes me sick to see rusbridger acting all innocent on channel 4 - talking about people hacking into voicemails, when half the bloody country knows that there's industrial phone-tapping going on...and that personal mobile phones are being hacked into via their software and the microphones are being switched-on to turn them into 24-hour eavesdrops and tracking-devices. no mobile-broadband or phone network is secure these days - all the signals and lines are being intercepted and information being sold-on, it's bloody obvious. our own personal computers are being turned against us by commercial hackers and private investigators in the media and political spheres...micro-light digital surveillance equipment is being tossed around like confetti in public places and private premises and left to keep watch for the people who planted it. it's big business, by faceless crooks - and yet rusbridger pretends to nothing about it...but i bet many of his interns and editorial staff know the score...not to mention his mates in the labour party. and i wonder why ed miliband isn't making a big deal out of the coulson affair?

hey guardian...how about an erotic exposé of the dirty voyeuristic secrets which are being concealed behind the un-netted curtains of the paranoid power-freaks of middle-class suburbia? you make me wanna puke rusbridger.

ask spark up - he's an independent politically unpaid un-aligned writer and he's really friggin' hacked-off by the continual intrusive pscho-ops being arrogantly perpetrated by party-political sychophants and parasites.

my own reply to the above comment was also deleted:

@jocelynjackesien
9 february 2011 11:23pm

well thank you, ms jack esien - it's great that we can overlook petty philosophical differences on feminism and agree on something, for a change. god, don't you just want to turn off the telly when barbie doll blofeld and his oily lawyers open their whining mouths. i've had to resort to posting on this integrity free-dump because of fanatical labour-government-friendly deletions on places like guido fawkes, because of electorally convenient temporary erasures on old holborn (favouring prominent socialist members of parliament and a certain incumbent american president), and because of left-wing sensitive deletions on captain ranty which were closely followed by hacker deletions on my own blog (these occurring after i had the temerity to criticize assange's associates there). what a protection racket politics is, eh? i've even had my material purloined by a guido fawkes associate only to see it turn-up on a solo-comedian's bbc sketch show...uncredited...

i can only guess that editors on the guardian have personal connections with the captain ranty blog, the old holborn blog, the guido fawkes blog, or with julian assange's anonymous hacker friends - and that they wish to cover-up the criminal hacking of comments from the spark up! blog. some moderators on the comment is free (guardian) site also clearly have connections with mainstream socialist political parties and could be receiving inducement in return for deleting dissenting views - there is also the possibility that the saltier deletions are being siphoned-off for use by commercial comedians. the upshot is that jocelynjackesien's account has been withdrawn by comment is free and my own sparkup account is now being pre-moderated and is effectively disabled. i fear that the guardian's disregard for freedom of expression will ultimately bring about their comment website's demise following an undignified trajectory which terminates in the aol recycle-bin.

curtailed words: suzanne moore forecloses guardian comment section in furious femino-fascist damage-limitation exercize

2011-01-16T19:28:00.010Z

the following post, drafted in response to a guardian article by suzanne moore entitled it's time to get angry - all this polite and smiley feminism is getting us nowhere, was proscribed by the aforementioned publication's prepubescent editorial staff:

within the isolated context of a sexual (and therefore interdependent) relationship, issues of sexism can be resolved if the footing of the relationship is positive - but if the balance of relations is bilaterally shipping negative-equity, the situation can only be resolved by one party admitting aggrievement and launching the lifeboat.

feminism, as a movement, is purely a revengeful reaction to a socially-entrenched male sexist conspiracy (or so i'm led to understand), and, as such, has defeated itself from the outset by adopting identical macho gang-tactics - much in the same way as black-power activists have sought to combat white racism by organizing themselves in mimical accordance with the structurality of the white hegemony, instead of taking a more individualistic or culturally-integral approach. in the workplace, feminists waste their time attempting to counter the self-shackling sexist 'slavery' of employment by means of legal redress-mechanisms established (or should i say granted?) by males, when they could simply subvert institutional sexism by choosing self-employment - but, of course, the promotion of self-employment would not only emancipate women, and effectively do whingeing writers like ms moore out of a self-perpetuating and profitably parasitic job, but would have the somewhat unwelcome side-effect of liberating those awful men aswell...and we couldn't have that, now could we?

overreaction to injustice by discrimination against an entire social grouping is normal, although ultimately immature, human behaviour which is expediently employed as an emergency safety-measure - yet surely it is preferable to neutralize oppression by arranging one's life in such a manner as to avoid 'doing business' with identified oppressors, unless, of course, it's in one's own interests and on one's own terms.

as for the question of a curfew on bristol city, i regard this suggestion as highly illiberal and a rampantly retrogressive restriction of personal and sexual freedom - and not a sensible solution at all. clearly, since the female sex is naturally loaded with the immense responsibility of bearing children, the law of this country should be prejudicially amended in order that our females are also permitted to bear arms.

boom boom baby

cash-strapped wikileaks needs dosh to cough-up docs

2011-01-11T21:21:00.004Z

according to julian assange, wikileaks is leaking more money than confidential information - $618000 a week since they first started releasing sensitive united states diplomatic cables. apparently this is impeding the publication of further material - but not assange's memoirs.

why doesn't he nail the bunf to the fucking gatepost? i'm sure someone'll find it.

who's this cunt kidding?

the real whistleblower, bradley manning, is rotting in torture-town while assange preens himself for the paparazzi in the centrally-heated glare of a luxury norfolk mansion.

how much of wikileaks' windfall has gone to private manning's defence fund, i wonder...?

...and what the blazes were they doing with $618000 a week before the operation began?

sarkozy brands all true frogophobic englishmen as al qaeda

2011-01-10T02:26:00.010Z

much as i deplore the recent abduction and murder of two french nationals in niger, it seems a bit rich of president nicolas sarkozy to automatically define the kidnappers as "al qaeda" - even wikipedia describes aqim (al-qaeda organization in the islamic maghreb), the regional rebel militia to which the french authorities claim the bandits may possibly have been affiliated, as: "commonly believed to be a false flag operation created by the algerian state intelligence agency" ie. either it has been termed al qaeda to gain the algerian government american support, or it has been radicalized by united states military intervention, such as the flintlock 2005 exercize, in a similar manner to which al-shabaab has been radicalized by fanatical-western intervention in somalia. so...given that aqim are known to be ideologically opposed to the slaughter of civilians, might it just be possible, mr sarkozy, that these unfortunate aid workers were killed by local nigerien gangsters, who not only resent the discriminatory treatment of muslims in mainland france, but also the pervasive persistence of french colonial rule in francophone africa over fifty years after the murky grey dawn of its supposed independence? after all, it's not only islamic extremists who hate you bunch of gallic garlic-munching baguette-crunching cheese-chomping boule-chucking horse-eating bastards, is it now?

busch banter

2011-01-07T13:49:00.002Z

mandatory reading for all obama-sarkozy-cameron multi-fellatial cocksuckers:

gary k busch: the empire strikes back - france and the ivory coast

curtailed words

2010-12-30T01:58:00.004Z

timed-out reply to comment by flyswatter, 29 december 2010 2:57am, on the guardian article, ivory coast violence forces thousands to flee:

a) britain is a full-member of the european union.

b) there was in existence "free movement in all direction plus transcontinental trade" before slavery, colonialism, and democracy, and it did not come dependent upon conditions such as westernized laws, westernized taxes, westernized identification papers, and highly corruptible and unstable westernized systems of government which allow cynical discrimination against minorities.

c) the governmental systems of china, russia, and the united states were, by-and-large, developed internally by their own inhabitants, and not imposed by externally-based exploitative forces. in any case, i'm not a citizen of the afore-mentioned blocs, so why should i criticize the domestic arrangements in place there?

clipped words

2010-12-29T22:03:00.005Z

refined version of comment deleted from thread on the guardian article, three african presidents to deliver ultimatum to gbagbo in ivory coast:

28 december 2010 12:16pm

yessir, this is a great opportunity for three respected african heads of state to get away from the missus for the weekend, get pissed-up in an expensive western hotel, and explore the possibilities of more amicable relations with ivorean chambermaids - all paid-for by the presidents of the united states of america, france, and several oil companies of unafrican origin.

as for the side-issue of the national election, this is a piece of toffee:

provide each adult ivorean citizen with one hershey bar and one mars bar - if the citizen prefers gbagbo as president, then he (or she) should leave the mars bar in the courtyard of monsieur gbagbo's official residence, and if the citizen would prefer to elect ouattara as president, then he (or she) should leave the hershey bar in front of the hotel occupied by monsieur ouattara. on completion of voting, each citizen should consume his (or her) remaining candy-bar in order to ensure a totally secret ballot in accordance with recognized international electoral procedure - and, finally, when the two polling stations are closed, each presidential candidate should scoff all chocolate bars cast before his personal place of abode. if either candidate should be observed either failing to ingest his full allocation of confectionery, or in any way attempting to encourage one of his deputies, or deputies' children, to nosh any portion of the aforesaid block of votes on his behalf, then that candidate shall be deemed in breach of electoral rules and shall be disqualified forthwith, forfeiting the said election without further formality. pursuant to both presidential candidates completing the ballot count, the duly appointed returning officer for toblerone shall weigh each man in a state of disrobement, and, subject to approval by nestlé independent monitors, shall proclaim the fattest cunt winner.

spark up! exclusive exposure: queen makes arse available to go on postage stamps

2010-12-19T23:15:00.005Z

i think that the british monarch has made her position quite clear

the assange analysis: pop-star or politician? confusion or corruption?

2010-12-09T03:51:00.024Z

spark up! supports wikileaks' right to freedom of expression, on principle - and not least because it has revealed the extent of:

a) united states' interference in the democratic process in nigeria (on behalf of royal dutch shell plc)

b) united states' acquiescence regarding war-crimes committed by the ugandan military

c) united states' illicit air-strikes against alleged al qaeda targets in yemen which resulted in large numbers of civilian casulaties

d) united states' and british war-crimes in iraq

e) united states' and british war-crimes in afghanistan

moreover, if our governments exercize the right to control, tax, and snoop on us, as private citizens, it follows that we, as individuals, have every right to obtain knowledge of actions taken by our states in our name. after all...it's not as if we can trust them, is it?

however...in the (rape) case of julian assange versus the state of sweden, we must be clear that the defendant and his accusers are all acting as individuals, and that this is a personal matter - yet it appears that the defining lines between the state and the individual have become unhealthily blurred.

i am convinced that the defence team for mr assange (the founder of wikileaks) has made a serious miscalculation in crying 'political' (ie state), given that the case has arisen from extremely personal incidents involving individuals - if mr assange believes that this is a 'political' prosecution, then he must therefore believe that he himself is a political figure with political power akin to the power invested in the representative of a state. the fact that the work undertaken by his organization may have political implications is irrelevant here - unless he also claims that he consented to engage in a political fuck. i appreciate that mr assange's lawyers are attempting to stave-off the strong possibility of a politically motivated extradition attempt by the united states (in relation to his actions in his capacity as the head of wikileaks), but this is a separate matter (which involves many other protagonists), and should be treated as such - lest mr assange and his team wish to be tarred by the same accusations which they level at the state prosecutors.

in essence, mr assange has got himself into some trouble with two women who may, or may not, be proven to be scorned-and-vindictive lovers cynically taking advantage of sweden's peculiarly tight sex-laws and the super-sleuth's subconscious hankering for established political status - but he must deal with this situation as a fallible human individual, and not as an irreproachable infallible all-powerful political figurehead of the type which he professes to expose and discredit through his work. julian assange is not helping his case, nor endearing himself to supporters, by threatening, in the manner of a blackmailer, to make further damaging revelations in the event that action is taken against him - surely these revelations should be made regardless of third party actions, and without further ado, that is his job, and one for which he is admired. if the united states administration seeks to take advantage of the swedish prosecution in order to extradite mr assange, it is they who will lose the political initiative - and even more political standing than they already have done.

by intimidating companies which have elected not to do business with wikileaks, operation payback (which is being conducted by the group known as anonymous) is, by association, also damaging the reputation of mr assange, not to mention the prospects of the entire wikileaks venture - for the ideology of freedom is absolutely and irreparably undermined by attempting to coerce other self-governing organizations to support one's own cause; any private sector business ultimately has the right to chose its customers - herein is enshrined the concept known as liberty - and contractual disputes must be resolved in time-honoured fashion. the companies whom anonymous is targeting do not force any individual or organization to make use of their services, and, ipso facto, it is wholly immoral to gang up against and force such companies to serve any particular individual or organization, even though one's oppressor may be doing exactly that - those who use their power to bully others in this fashion are, by definition, no better than the fascist states which they claim to wish to depose. to undermine an authoritarian state is vital, but to replace it with a totalitarian one is fatal. to replace fear with fear is revolting, to replace the ideology of fear refreshing.

so it seems that julian assange wants to be a pop-star and politician all at the same time - but he can't, because the concept of each degrades the other. he's got to choose. the politician must have impeccable integrity and avoid sleeping with anarchists - otherwise no-one will grant him power and status; the pop-star must break every rule and never sleep within the boundaries of established society - otherwise he will not garner fame and fortune. contradictorily, the famous anarchist, julian assange, has been sleeping with the social-establishment and yet desires power - and he has now landed in purgatory. personally, i think he would do better selling his secrets and becoming an outlaw-star...

...but it's a free world...

give me a capitalist enterprise any day - at least you're told what you're getting for your money...but a non-profit-making company? who knows?

assange extradition extra: clinton claims "wikileaks sex-monster raped me"

2010-12-07T03:17:00.021Z

in a shocking new twist to the wikileaks exposure saga, secret white house diplomatic documents reveal that the secretary-in-a-state, mrs hillary rodham clinton, has accused frisky wikileaks fiend, julian assange, of abducting her to his secret mountain-top lair for a randy three-in-a-bed romp with his horny live-in kangaroo, "hoppy" (a doe). in a tearful heart-to-heart with bosom buddy michelle obama, mrs clinton is reported to have confessed: "assange imprisoned me in his lewdly lurid love-nest...reeled me into a trance by playing funky unamerican rhythms on his didgeridoo, ripped off all my designer fairtrade-cotton clothes, tied me down with incredibly strong cables, and then forced me to have sexual-relations with that animal whilst he joined in and ravished me senseless. it really was an absolutely indescribable experience".

when questioned over the allegations, mr assange asserted that he had "never touched the cross-hatched old crumpet", and exploding in exasperation, the postie-from-hell went on to explain: "look mate, she's stalked me all 'round the bloody globe under the pretence of carrying out covert soddin' surveillance vital to the interests of national soddin' security...when, in reality, the shagnasty sheila's just been after a doodle-on-me-donger...strewth". the pussy-cuted wikileaks founder wearily insists that he has rejected the secretary of state's ardant amorous advances on a multitude of occasions and that his hastily effected evasive action has usually resulted in the former first-lady becoming "as cranky as a deranged dingbat on drugs", baring her chest, and "wobbling her tits" at him.

update:

in a dramatic new development, white house officials have re-affirmed the administration's position that classified embassy communications should now only be disseminated on a strict "need-to-know" basis, and has vehemently denied suggestions that a warrant for mr assange's extradition has been issued in order for michelle and hillary to determine whether he is a real 'jules blonde'.

government plans to evict brian haw from parliament square are simply bad-manners

2010-12-06T23:06:00.004Z

out of respect for the millions of middle-eastern civilian dead, i daresay that brian haw (the stubborn peace-protester who has been encamped opposite the houses of parliament since the nato invasion of afghanistan in 2001) would probably not regard his stance of non-movement as a 'success', yet his actions have undoubtedly helped break-the-back of public opinion with regard to our government's futile and pernicious wars of occupation-cum-exploitation in iraq, afghanistan and pakistan...

...and as any decent snooker player knows...one should never interrupt an opponent (by conceding the game) whilst he is compiling a winning 'break'...it's not considered good etiquette...and certainly not commensurate with the conduct of a gentleman...

...but david cameron, boris johnson, and nick clegg are not gentlemen...and home secretary, theresa may, is no lady...because they and their gang fully intend to steam-roller new laws through parliament with the sole aim of booting mr haw and his tiny band of co-campers from their pitch before signalling the inevitable withdrawal of beleaguered british troops from the war-zone.

our politicians are not only (war) criminals...but also uncouth yobs - they have no respect for the moral determination of the citizens who form our democracy...they dishonour the memory of all those service-men and -women whom they have sent to their untimely deaths...and they defecate upon the souls of those innocent foreign families whom they have had slaughtered in the name of cheap...crude...oil.

howard flight fights for middle-classes' right to be paid for sex

2010-12-06T21:35:00.008Z

aghast at the invidious socio-political consequences of the re-jigged welfare state, the new conservative peer, howard flight, has demanded equal nookie-remuneration for the "well-orff" via the child-benefit-system. in a shocking betrayal of his party's traditional principles, the former member of parliament for arundel and south downs has done the dirty and crossed to the other side of the house to sow his wild socialist oats - claiming that he "doesn't give a fuck" about the commonly prevailing philosophy which holds that poor people deserve more state-funded financial stimuli because they have more 'how's your father'. the champion of a better class of bonking, mr flight, has been described by friends as being 'extremely frustrated' by the current situation, and has expressed the view that the new regulations are "effectively an undercover coalition-condom on the british bourgeousie". responding to the concerns raised by his angry party member, the prime minister, mr david cameron, has promised to introduce "ultra-sensitive" tax-breaks on all forms of over-the-counter family-contraceptives, but vows to stand firm on core conservative values in respect of piece-work rates for proletarian promiscuity.

clipped words

2010-12-01T04:23:00.013Z

comment deleted from captain ranty blog ('gratuitous snowy sex' thread):

"red edit" miliband (mob-rule) said...

21:42

i wouldn't take the pee out of diane if i were you...we'll use our secret network of activists to organize a massive 5-year-long campaign of harrassment against you - this will include: the planting of highly illegal covert surveillance equipment in your bog, your bedroom and your shower, intimidation (physical and mental), blackmail, and widespread smearing; your housemates, acquaintances and close friends will be encouraged to spy on you and fuck-up your life, your phone and computer will be tapped, eavesdropped, and hacked 24 hours a day, you will be tracked everywhere, snotty interns will be posted near your address to monitor your intellectual and sexual output (which will then be relayed back to you via spam e-mail), you will be befriended by undercover party members who will do everything possible to waste your time and energy, and you will be appointed a minder whose task will be to "control" you; schoolteachers, jobcentre staff, working links new deal advisors, council workers, and social security fraud investigators will be briefed to make your life as uncomfortable as possible; serving and retired civil service fraud officers will moonlight in order to supervize operations against you, your identity will be stolen, your writing plagiarized, and the proceeds split between the mob - and if your marriage is on the rocks, we will happily hammer home the final nails into its coffin-lid by inducing family members (sympathetic to the cause) to make your life hell. you will be falsely deemed a 'threat to national security' by the security services, and our actions will receive the full backing of our friends in the white house...and all because the lady loves the labour party...but hey...that's socialism*!

*a philosophy which, along with personal political ambition, is obviously of far greater importance than any notion of simple humanity, for god's sake. you are a mere private citizen without any political affiliation: pay your taxes that we may enjoy and abuse the fruits of your graft and invention, shut your mouth, and do as you're told by party members (your social superiors).

copied to: diane abbott, david cameron, ed miliband, nick clegg

update 01.12.10 17.47hrs:

comment now mysteriously re-instated on captain ranty blog...

if you're happy and you know-it, throw a ballot-box-full-of-bricks through the front-window of conservative/liberal* central office...

2010-11-24T18:09:00.015Z

the first responses to a government survey of citizen-happiness (organized by the office of notional statistics) are starting to arrive in whitehall...

instead of wasting their energy organizing violent protests, why don't all these middle-class students simply sign a pledge to refuse all work and payment of taxes? although such action, in common with the riots, may well be deemed 'criminal' by the authorities...at least it would be moral...and would certainly command the full attention of mr cameron, mr clegg, and the comfy-club coalition.

*delete according to political preference

red edit confesses: being in opposition is crap...

2010-11-23T02:30:00.006Z

...a statement which (when decoded) reads: labour were crap in government.

ed miliband has probably proposed the best political argument for being granted the keys to number 10 downing street since the publication of the coalition's election manifesto.

pope benedict XVI pronounces catholic church to be "still against evil"...

2010-11-21T22:13:00.009Z

...but will allow his theological subscribers a little more discretion on how they go about doing it.

the pope believes that, for a homosexual man, the use of a condom is a small step towards holy cleanliness, but that, to atone for the controversial act of ceremonial gay-packaging, heterosexuals should get as dirty as humanly possible, especially the african ones - for this, the pope says, is the only way to achieve "a humanization of sexuality".

the pope has absolute faith that his diocese's doctrinal determinations on the yay's and nay's of hiding one's bushel have created far more lives than have ever been lost to aids - but since some of those lives created were lives created with aids, he admits that the mental arithmetic becomes a little bit tricky.

fortunately, the pope's not the first person one would approach either for sex-tips, or for help adding things up.

what brand of panties does kate middleton wear...?

2010-11-19T17:39:00.005Z

...i want to buy my girlfriend a pair in the exact same style for xmas.

old holborn scares the natives

2010-11-11T02:03:00.010Z

in a recent post, entitled social cleansing, my socially-challenged neighbour, namely old holborn, has attempted to put the wind-up-the-willows of white middle-england by suggesting that a cap on rates of housing benefit will inevitably lead to an exodus of immigrants from inner-london to the shires in search of lower rents. and how wrong could he be? very wrong...the restriction on levels of housing benefit will surely hit-hardest-in-the-pocket those who benefit from the welfare state the most...the long-term unemployed? no, the greedy private landlords who for years-upon-years have been raising their rents above the market-average...because the government has encouraged them to do so. in fact, the housing-market would have crashed yonks ago had it not been for an excessively generous housing benefit system...and now it definitely will implode (if the coalition puts its votes where its manifesto is). can't you just hear those high-geared high-ratio high-mortgaged liberal buy-to-letters just screaming in ideological pain as they realize that they can no longer afford to pay off the huge business-loans which they have procured under the former socialist régime? and what will the immigrants, upon whom this country was built, do when the price of property plummets, eh old holborn? they'll leave their digs, dig into their prudently propagated savings-accounts, and buy up land, bricks, and mortar in every suburb, village and hamlet the length and breadth of the country. just as the rothschilds snapped up buckinghamshire real estate at bargain-basement prices during the 1840s (following a cattle-market crash), so will today's immigrant businessmen follow suit. yes, old holborn, your new neighbour could well turn out to be a nigerian - erecting a hideously-huge-white neo-hollywood-style mansion on a greenfield site near you...happy retirement holborn!

following the example of cameron's historic re-unification of the anglo-french axis of norsemen...

2010-11-10T23:55:00.012Z

...british students have been inspired to harmonize riots...à la mode française...in order to demonstrate their opposition to the ending of state-funded state-brainwashing...

university degrees, traditionally awarded according to an individual's level of adherence to politically correct ideology, must now be paid for by the individual...

today's socially conscious pillaging of conservative central headquarters seems to be the inevitable result of a government which has cut public services whilst raising taxation...with a view to pocketing the difference...

very naughty

...although mi5 agents probably provoked the whole débâcle with the devious intention of undermining the students' otherwise peaceful protest...

in a statement on behalf of polite metropolitan society, sir paul stephenson exclaimed: "it's not acceptable. it's an embarrassment for london and for us. cutbacks in student grants could be the death-knell for public hostelries already pushed to the brink by the smoking-ban...and how the blazes am i to buy a pint after paying to put my pig-shit-thick bourgeouis children through the university of disinformation. i'm fucking livid. who's got some squirt?"

questioned on the serious outbreak of violence, sir paul said: "we thought they [the students] were all nice well-mannered middle-class kids who'd never dream of getting into trouble with the police and upsetting their daddies. standards of social-conditioning appear to be at an all-time low in modern british universities. either we must raise the bar and instil some ps and qs into their loutish lexicon...or we must return to a bespoke education system for the elite...and kick out the ruddy riff-raff. i blame the teachers for all this laxity...but most of all i blame the bloody liberals. when's the next rumble lads? what about getting the young farmers to trash the tuc, tit-for-tat like?"

europeans fight for less human rights

2010-10-23T00:53:00.005+01:00

article 15 of the european convention on human rights allows contracting states to derogate from certain rights guaranteed by the convention - but only "in time of war or other public emergency threatening the life of the nation". to clarify, this means that, deferring to the principle of self-defence, the state may ignore human rights legislation if it feels threatened by an individual citizen or group of citizens, but citizens may not ignore human rights legislation if threatened by the state. the state is invincible, long live the state.

outrage in afghanistan

2010-10-22T23:54:00.002+01:00

united states generals are complaining of having their feelings "quite hurt" by intelligence reports which reveal that, during a confidential conversation with a neighbour, an afghan mother has admitted to being extremely scared of american christians dressed in military uniform who shoot at her family and fire rockets at her house.

afua hirsch proposes the introduction of strict verbal control for the phrase "illegal immigrant"...

2010-10-20T03:16:00.014+01:00

...but the guardian legal correspondent fails to pick up that immigration legislation (the law which magically turns immigrants illegal) is, by its nature, discriminatory and racist...

...just ask jimmy mubenga.

ok love...let's ban the words "illegal" and "immigrant" when they miscegenate and make sense of an illogical immoral unworkable law...then we can all pretend that the concept of immigration legislation is fine, that "illegal immigrants" don't exist, and don't get exploited by big business and the conniving politicians who rake off the resultant corporation taxes to suit and boot themselves...

...and you can carry on collecting fees for representing those "illegal immigrants"...

making these words "dirty"...will never make the money you earn "clean"...you have degraded, dehumanized and smeared the very clients who put food in your mouth...

lawyers...protect the law at the expense of the people...

what would we do without 'em?

spark up! poll:nine out of ten benefit-cheats prefer tax-evaders to george osborne & the inland revenue steam-'n-cream gang

2010-10-18T21:57:00.028+01:00

the shock result of a specially commissioned spark up! survey reveals that an overwhelming proportion of benefit-cheats believe that the chancellor of the exchequer, george osborne, and his merry band of taxmen are no better than a delinquent bunch of street-muggers. computerized analysis of responses to a wide range of questions posed by dodgy data uk ltd indicates that the sample group of british welfare fraudsters were, in general, philosophically opposed to compulsory taxation, and also under the firm impression that tax-inspectors hang around in hoodies, whilst nonchalantly terrorizing old ladies by revealing their arses and engaging in estuary easy-speak.

during an intimate pillow-conversation with a spark up! undercover reporter, the chancellor of the extortionists is quoted as describing his micro-economic policy in the following terms:

this is a rumble in the fiscal jungle. we have to mug the honest hard-working taxpayer in order to finance an ultimately fruitless yet wonderfully vindictive vote-winning initiative against the great british benefit-cheat. we could, of course, solve the problem of benefit-sponging by abolishing the welfare state altogether...but then we'd have no statutory excuse for fleecing the public via the tax-system and taking our own whacking great cut (in order to subsidize the rising cost of our children's ridiculously expensive public school educations). basically, we in the conservative party are seeking to re-establish traditional values by re-introducing the well-heeled concept of social-exclusion - which is predicated upon the notion of the 'deserving snob', such as myself, who is born into the privileged mafia of major or minor aristocracy through absolutely no fault of his own...and the 'undeserving snob', more-often-than-not a socialist, who claws, shags and fiddles his way to the top of the dung-pile by virtue of his own craft, graft, criminal inclination and corrupt association.

the immigration-factor

2010-10-08T04:23:00.007+01:00

x-factor judge, cheryl cole, has denied allowing racism to colour her decision to send home super-talented zimbabwean contestant, gamu nhengu - who, through no fault of her own, has run into some difficulties concerning her immigration status and now faces deportation. cole, who has previous for whacking a nigerian toilet-attendant without holding a recognized degree in deontological ethics, has claimed that she cannot possibly be racist as she was married to a black man - although presumably her participation in this relationship formed a mandatory component of her community service order, as she divorced him when he relapsed into racially-stereotypical behaviour and started putting it around a bit more than she could tolerate. i could also rather ungenerously speculate that ms cole's husband was a normally-narrow-minded-sun-newspaper-reading-brit who was of the common belief that immigration legislation was not in fact inherently racist so long as it did not affect or impede his own indefinite right to reside up cheryl's initial port-of-entry...but i won't...because i gather that he is considerably bigger than me - a fact which i guess swayed the liberal talent-show judge in her decision to jump on his nob in the first instance.

well-i-never...i along with other freedom-to-sing-to-shit-celebrities campaigners have long been arguing that immigration legislation is indeed racist - as it discriminates unfairly against sub-saharan soul-singers - and now it appears that god, in his great and bountiful wisdom, has delivered unto us a scenario which demonstrates, beyond-all-possible-doubt, to even the most tone-deaf of daily mail readers, that a nice girl, with a nice voice, could sadly end up illegally cleaning bogs below the minimum-wage - despite the fact that her mum has made a concerted attempt to integrate into british society by observing traditional national custom and claiming welfare benefits to which she was not strictly-speaking entitled.

may i wish gamu and her mum every success against those conceited cunts at the home office - and i hope and pray that gamu will be permitted to re-enter the competition and get a fair crack at punching cheryl's snotty stuck-up racist face in...

...if however, our prayers are not answered...may i suggest that gamu uses the insanely intense publicity either to secure herself a remunerative recording-contract, or to highlight the injustices of our exploitative immigration system...aside from that i would advise her to pursue her career in the regular pub-and-club venues in order to gain real performance experience...and to completely avoid any more crap celebrity-manufacturing-contests, which, let's face it, ultimately have absolutely nothing to do with natural artistic self-development...and usually degenerate into some international race-row due to the prejudiced nature of the audience and programme producers...

simon cowell just does not deserve to profit from true musicians like gamu...

...and as for officer cheryl...may i wish her a long and fulfilling career in the uk border agency.

no welsh, no blacks, just dogs of war

2010-10-07T21:39:00.016+01:00

whites colonize labour cabinet

need i say more...?

ok then...

labour have white-washed the shadow-cabinet but can never rinse away the dark stain of innocent muslim blood from the hypocritical hands of its nasty filthy front-line war-criminals

how sadiq khan is going to sit amongst such an immoral greedy bunch of islamophobic child-killers, and still respect himself, will be a miracle to behold...?

the labour party have just lost the black vote...these shadow-ministers were not chosen according to ability but according to the strength of their bond with the devil...in the labour leadership contest, diane abbott polled almost the same percentage of votes as andy burnham, yet, unlike him, didn't even make the cut...and although i do not rate david lammy because of his support for the iraq war, i nevertheless recognize that he is more talented than other candidates who have been elected...get real now, both abbott and lammy have got to be more effective politicians than that dizzy cunt tessa jowell...it's definitely who you know that counts in socialist politics...and not what you know or stand for...

no afro-caribbean faces to front-up for british politics in the house of commons...a total fucking disgrace...for the white establishment...

...but a credit to young black intellectuals who are becoming increasingly conscious of their redundancy in the houses of parliament and steering well clear of the dump...

the experience of the blair years shows us that black politicians can only secure cabinet positions on the condition that they sell-out their civil-rights principles...and even then, they suffer a short shelf-life...lammy now knows this...and obama soon will...

bravo diane! they stood-you-up, you showed-them-up

this is not a broadcast on behalf of the conservative party

2010-10-07T19:26:00.012+01:00

black people support socialism because...

...the labour government attempted to colonize the middle-east and black people would just love to regenerate the british empire

...black people just love paying high taxes to white governments and then having to suck-up to the white establishment to get their money back

...black people just love paying for shitty public services and becoming captive-customers to the rude racist public servants who mismanage government departments yet cannot be sacked

...black people just love to surrender responsibility for their lives to white governments who are always more than happy to micro-manage the affairs of black people so that black people do not have to think for themselves and can blame white people when everything goes tits-up

...black people just love being guaranteed equality with white people and not having to be bothered by the annoying freedom to out-perfom white people

...the labour party is full of racist white people who pretend they love black people but really hate them - a situation with which black people are innately comfortable because they really hate white people but pretend to love them

...black people prefer to choose money over self-esteem

...black people just love to vote-in soiled goods like david lammy and oona king (who have backed a bloody colonialist outrage in the middle-east) and second-hand sofas like diane abbott

...it costs them nothing - but has set-back black politics more than a century, anaesthetizing black intellectual thought more surely than all the cannabis ever grown

...white racism has caused insecurity amongst black people who, as a defence-response, have internalized the white herd-mentality and religiously rallied around a philosophy which obviates the need for individual thinking and viewpoints - hence black people's obsession with social-control and other strategies of white suppression

...socialism is the biggest con since christianity - and its natural heir

...as small children, black people were praised by white people for ramming round things into square holes

the spark up! pocket dictionary of discrimination

definition of racism: a hatred of humanity which manifests itself in a predisposition to practise the social-classification of individuals according to skin-colour rather than, for example, in terms of integrity, ability, experience, or achievement

definition of white people: individuals who hate black people

definition of black people: individuals who hate white people

disclaimer: spark up! does not support any political party which advocates the imposition of compulsory taxation

delhi does the biz, liz

2010-10-05T21:00:00.018+01:00

although the indian government may have been criticized for slinging-up a second-rate stadium for a second-rate sports-event, for the duration of the intricately lavish inaugural ceremony of the 2010 commonwealth games, the jawaharlal nehru arena, in new delhi, proved to be a first-rate set for a premium-rate advertizing slot - of which the opportunistic authorities made the fullest use to promote indian commerce and culture to grand effect. after an 80-year sentence of serial social-snubbery, the ancient civilization of the asian sub-continent has at last been granted the doubtful privilege of hosting this historic event and, in strict observance of time-honoured british tradition, the fastest politicians in the east have knocked-up the infra-structure on-the-cheap and pocketed the record-breaking difference without even breaking into a sweat - but one can hardly blame the maharajahs and maharanis for defecating on the commonwealth games, which were previously known as the british empire games, which, in turn, evolved from the gladiatorial spectacles of inter-kingdom power-struggles and wars of independence so generously promoted by queen victoria throughout the worldwide-web of british colonies...

...and there we have it...the paradox of an independent superstate, which has little interest in playing games (when there's so much money to be made and such influence to be won) yet plays host to the quaint martial melodies and nostalgic majesterial whims of an enslaved defunct monarchy - whose subjects and rulers are commonly addicted to sports. in london, you will notice that indians do not make a great show of celebrating the day on which they gained independence - they were not granted it sham-to-shambles fashion, as in so many african and caribbean countries, they grabbed it back, and never looked back. indians celebrate their independence every day of the year by striving to consolidate it - whereas the nigerians, for example, make a big deal of their 'independence' day, yet do not even own, in any real or meaningful sense, the precious natural resources which lie beneath their mother-lands's rich home-soil; lagos, the business-hub-capital of black africa, is more-often-than-not subject to a power black-out - a symptomatic state of affairs which sadly defines, and is almost synonymous with, african 'independence'...formerly known as colonialism...formerly known as slavery.

south africa put on a fantastic football tournament, but it brought no freedom to its people...because soccer is 'something' spread (if not originally invented) by the british. now...the indians may not be the greatest stadium-builders, nor hold much respect for the founders of democracy after whom they name these statutory status-symbols, but when they wish to construct something important to themselves, such as the taj mahal, the akshardham temple, or their own mother-nation, it will undoubtedly last a good deal longer than the commonwealth games stadium, the commonwealth games, the british raj, or the british empire - which in the five-thousand-year long scheme of india's dynamic dynastic history...is but a bloody blip.

edwin lutyens, eat your heart out.

conservatives back use of terrorism to counter extremism

2010-10-05T13:37:00.010+01:00

the british prime minister, mr david cameron, has today re-affirmed his support for proposals that members of the united nations should "have available to them" the option of committing a short-sharp atrocity against innocent members of the public whose governments have seen fit to commit war-crimes against the civilian citizens of foreign countries. in a brief statement issued at a hastily convened press-conference, the leader of the conservative party expounded his conviction that the introduction of progressive policies such as the cane-a-colonialist bill was the only sure-fire way of bringing "harmonious discipline" to a diverse world in which genocide and assorted human-rights abuses have become appallingly commonplace.

coalitionists crap themselves over labour's new clobber

2010-10-01T19:08:00.004+01:00

the conservative press, as exemplified by guido fawkes, have quite rightly been quick to ridicule the recent bolshevik revolution in the labour party, but the raucous level of right-wing mirth belies a red-faced cover-up by a government which has complacently sat on its filthy murdering hands and completely failed to redress the balance of roughshod-western-justice in afghanistan. you see...if the truth be told, the prospect of a strong civil-rights suit sitting on the opposition front benches of parliament is making the massed members of the coalition banditry quake in their bother-boots - because the moral malaise which has brought british socialism crashing to its knees will ultimately be the downfall of this cobbled-cartel too. in the crowded house of commons the collective conscience of collaboration is contagious, and the symptoms of sadistry are synchronic - war-poxed war-criminals are just not fit to rule.

labour delegates adopt process of natural selection according to tit-size

2010-09-30T18:39:00.023+01:00

meanwhile, back at the ranch...

...diane abbott is busy munching away at core socialist values from the inside...

having reached that awkward point in life where her teenage boy no longer wants to know her, diane has generously elected to spend the remainder of her middle-age bugging the fuck out of middle-england - primarily, by running for election to the labour party shadow cabinet. class-tittle-tattle has it that old labour stalwarts have been prompted to winch abbott over the last hurdle of parliamentary sexism and are about to project her into the make-believe-cabinet rôle of minister for women and equalities - which basically means she'll be washing-up the tea-cups. madam herself has been quoted as saying that she has her beady-eye on the 'voice of the cities' position - but i fear she'll have a serious social struggle finding any other person indigenous to the inner-city who sounds quite like her...

well, i sincerely hope that, if offered the women and equalities spot, abbott will politely tell red edit to stuff the job where everyone's equally dark - even though, it must be admitted, the part was written for her, by her...but, come now...giving equalities posts to minority feminists is a bit 1980s...init?

...and as for the minister for cities gambit...i just don't buy it - ms abbott's either playing coy (and playing down her delta-force-female go-grab-it streak of desire) in the hope of being invited to take-on something more senior..."oh honey, you shouldn't-have yes-thanks when-do-i-start" sort-of-a-thing...or else she really lacks confidence and ambition, due to her lack of dotty black female marxist rôle-models. in any case, the minister of cities portfolio is a cosmetic career-move - as it's essentially london-focused and, in reality, boris johnson already does all the work, as mayor...a scenario which would thus afford lady godiva a greater opportunity for beer-swilling in london hostelries...at a time when hackney residents are thoroughly fed up with their local embodiment of democracy hanging around street-corners molesting young white males...no thanks, we want her to get a proper job. it's shadow home fucking secretary or nowt, mate...oh, ok...maybe shadow foreign secretary...after all, look on the positive side...we would definitely have no further requirement for trident.

nonetheless, i must confess that i'm truly concerned about the competition repeating from the brown-blair reich - a glance at the list of mps who have put their names forward for mock-government draws my attention to the below-mentioned candidates who have the fresh blood of iraqi and afghan infants on their sociopathic hands:

douglas alexander, ed balls, hilary benn, ben bradshaw, chris bryant, andy burnham, liam byrne, vernon coaker, yvette cooper, wayne david, angela eagle, maria eagle, caroline flint, mike gapes, barry gardiner, peter hain, david hanson, tom harris, john healey, meg hillier, huw irranca-davies, alan johnson, kevan jones, tessa jowell, eric joyce, david lammy, chris leslie, ivan lewis, fiona mactaggart, alun michael, jim murphy, gareth thomas, stephen timms, stephen twigg, shaun woodward

...should all follow in the example of their bad-spirited leader, david miliband, and return to their constituencies in order to suffer an agonizing political death in the privacy of their own cctv'd trash-cans. god only knows how any of them ever had the bloody brass to show their evil fucking faces again?

...and finally, we wait in hope for a ghetto-blasting miracle...the miracle that late-developer, diane abbott, manages to grow a couple...a couple of independent brain-cells...independent physically, spiritually, emotionally and intellectually (err...so maybe that last one's stretching it a bit) from her pretend-ministerial colleagues who will always unthinkingly concur with ed...and independent from ed, who will always connive with mandelson...and independent from obama, who will always wait until some megalomaniacal u.s. general in afghanistan gets bored with blowing-out babies' brains before he, the president of america, feels that the time is right to order the king's african rifles to stop massacring the muslim mau mau, their wives, and their children...

...for otherwise spark up! simply cannot countenance backing our local vote-tart's loony-left-over logic-lite campaign.

message to t

2010-09-30T18:10:00.008+01:00

thank you for your e-mail, darling - henceforth, please try your level-best to avoid using the terms 'affiliations' and 'references'...or i swear i'll do you.

the diane abbott politbüro campaign: blackmail or blacklist?

2010-09-28T20:27:00.029+01:00

thanks to the collective guilty conscience of a labour party with a record for blithely waving a race-war through parliament, diane abbott mp has been able to successfully squeeze 33 leadership-nominations out of high-ranking nazi-officials from the former totalitarian brown-blair régime (including a distinctly curmudgeonly one from war-criminal, david miliband) before busting like a suicide-bomber onto the ballot-paper and taking her reluctant final sponsor, the fatally miscalculating fascist ex-foreign-secretary, with her - and get this, by way of a perversely returned backhanded-favour, the facety cow's now going around giving the poor defeated sod her full backing should he so desire to seek a post in his junior brother's shadow-cabinet...when the plain fact of the matter is...he really so doesn't.

ms abbott, who vehemently denies having entered the leadership-contest with the sole aim of eating away at david miliband's share of the vote, has today confirmed her continued participation in the electoral-feast by indicating her own intention to run for a shadow-ministerial position - some commentators have already rated the stoke newington mp's chances of success in this endeavour as pretty slim, but it's worth bearing in mind that new party equal-opportunities rules guarantee there will be six women's places up for grabs. put it this way...if abbott doesn't get a spot on the front benches, she'll not know whether to cry "racist!" or "sexist!", the darling - but, whatever her take, such a blunt rejection would be a damning indictment of a party which is cynically attempting to brush the civilian blood of the iraq war under the plush red carpet of parliament. indeed, considering that this long-serving backbencher has lately emerged as the unofficial spokesperson for the left-wing, and has always been steadfastly opposed to the iraq war (tho' a bit wanky on the war in afghanistan, it-must-be-said), for diane abbott to be offered anything less than the position of shadow home, or foreign, secretary would reasonably be viewed as a de facto side-lining of the socialist civil rights agenda. even if one adjudges ms abbott's ambitions to be no more than a kamikaze mission to expose racism in the labour party, it's abundantly clear that even the 'disappointment' of a further knock-back for her ladyship, at the outstanding conference-poll, will still inevitably entail a serious degradation of support for the war-apologetic and -unapologetic candidates proposed by the right-wing.

i wonder...was all this abbottage envisaged within peter mandelson's master-plan for 'arranging' a silky-smooth palm-off of party-power? possibly, he's that devious...but so's diane...don't say i never called her a cunning little bitch.

you see, personally, i couldn't give a figgy-fuck whether do-or-di gets the gig - she's just one big hot-air balloon who, bar the occasional apoplectic interjection of "racist!" or "sexist!", will unquestioningly do her ed-master's bidding, who, in turn, will do lord mandelwangle's bidding, who, in turn, will do the bidding of president obomba, lord of the yankees and israelis...

...and anyway...let's say the batty old battle-axe does flunk it, and comes home to hackney empty-handed...i mean, come-on man...what does diane abbott actually expect from an irrepressibly racist institution like the british labour party?

court of trigger-finger opinion: jean charles de menezes versus mark saunders

2010-09-27T22:36:00.005+01:00

note that police allowed an off-duty barrister brandishing a shotgun five hours grace - yet instantly executed an innocent immigrant going to work.

the blair legacy: labour party vote-in leadership contender with least personality

2010-09-27T17:28:00.030+01:00

when one compares the small percentage of the labour membership which turned-out for diane "big-amp" abbott against the great pile of support which ensured a party leadership victory for "stale-bread" ed miliband, one knows that the amount of votes cast for any given candidate in this election was inversely proportional to that particular candidate's charisma quotient. i am also quite certain that racism and sexism played a large part in dumping diane at the bottom of the heap of hopefuls who, to be truthful, were all equally fucking crap - although it has to be said that diane does have an excrutiatingly irritating voice, something which isn't strictly-speaking her fault, of course, but which would surely have counted against her in a hostile homogeneous political environment far from the madding ghetto of positive discrimination for persons with arsey elocution. nevertheless, it's difficult to avoid the conclusion that diane abbott, having been encouraged by her party to join the leadership-race in order to air some alternative-but-not-too-alternative views on such taboo subjects as military intervention in the middle-east and public-spending-cuts, did really ask for it - yet suffered the social shit-shovelling because it was the price of a meal-ticket to the white-man's dinner-table, a place from which she expects to quietly consolidate her position of seniority in her wider home-constituency of black political expression. is diane abbott's survival strategy sound? i reckon not - now that obama's bubble-of-bullshit has been burst by the splinters flying from a smashed civil-rights movement, black people are extremely apathetic about establishment politics, which is probably the main reason for them failing to get behind her (leadership-bid) in the first place...

...and now to ed:

I get it also that, whatever your view on the Iraq War, it led to an appalling loss of trust for us. I know we didn't always speak to your hopes, your dreams and address your fears and uncertainties. I know we have to change.

yes, you all heard it - the acceptance speech where, instead of respectfully burying the dead civilian millions of the iraq and afghanistan wars, he thoughtlessly tossed them into a makeshift shallow grave, glibly glossed from labour consciousness. mr miliband, the war on terror led to an appalling loss of innocent life for communities in the middle-east, but you're only concerned about how many votes it lost you in the general election. the reality is that your corrupt labour government cannibalized any talent or experience amongst your ranks and your complacent comrades are now condemned to choose a figurehead from a lower-division intellectual gene-pool - whilst still desperately trying to sneak-back-in some key-criminal-elements from the tawdry and tarnished old-guard, including david miliband, ed balls and harriet harman. until the labour party comes to terms with the atrocity which it has committed in wog-world, it can never be redeemed, and will remain forever in parliamentary purgatory. you, sir, are no more than a democratically-elected doorstop preventing socialism from being slammed into total political oblivion.

united states generals throw tizzy-fit and troop out of afghanistan

2010-09-25T00:09:00.030+01:00

apparently, president mahmoud ahmadinejad (an iranian in new york) upset american insensibilities, on thursday, by suggesting that the notorious failed attempt by ill-mannered immigrants to enter the land-of-the-free-tea-parties without a proper printed invitation, on 11th september 2001, might just possibly be linked to a century of wanton western infusion and unlicensed brew-ups in the middle-east.

russell brand, a guest at a reception in the white house, has boiled matters up further by explaining that: "well you see...sympathetic members of the israeli secret tea-service heard about the tea-plot and, on learning of the gate-crashers' desperate plight and poverty, thought errr...we'll 'ave some of that, and found it in their holy old hearts to purchase the fanatical saudi tea-lovers their plane-tickets all the way to america...the dears...and even went the extra-mile to provide them with some of those handy little white-plastic stirring-stick-thingies for when they arrived at the bash...in fact, such was the israelis' concern for health and safety, due to over-crowding at the popular event, that they persuaded their own hebrew tea-tasters to stay home that day and not attend". later on, realizing his faux-pas in respect of trans-atlantic tea-table etiquette, brand characteristically tried to retrieve the situation by first apologizing for tainting the sugar-bowl (which he had inadvertantly contaminated after distractedly dashing the sugar-spoon in his cuppa), and then by extolling the achievements of his host, president barack obama - whose middle-eastern conversation-initiatives the british celebrity cited as "among the most significant to be struck-up in the region since the days of the great tea-emporium founded by genghis khan".

satirical scrubbers get sloshed

2010-09-23T20:07:00.003+01:00

judging by the results on alexa data, it now appears that guido fawkes no longer has the means to maintain his mansion in the manor to which it has been accustomed - a follyful of unwise investments have led to the property being neglected and it is now falling into the disrepair of gradual disregard. i fear there's nothing for it but to bulldoze the site and set up a car-wash.

law reinforce guilt

2010-09-23T19:41:00.003+01:00

some immature attention-seeking adults in gateshead, england, have youtubed themselves roasting copies of the qu'ran - and now the police have scored a coup against race-relations by arresting the idiots and compounding the publicity. my guess is that, deliberately insulting as this hysterical display undoubtedly is, such abtuse actions by western islamophobes would barely raise a muslim eyebrow were american and european soldiers not hobnailing down the coffin-lid on middle-eastern culture and strafing civilian life - it's always the last senseless straw-brain that gives the camel the hump.

all for one and one for all

2010-09-20T18:42:00.004+01:00

in view of old holborn's recent gross abuse of free-speech, spark up! is launching a campaign to have the entire blogosphere dismantled and consigned to the crap heap.

those in support of the motion please feel at liberty to leave your human rights below.

pope flash

2010-09-17T18:37:00.006+01:00

stop press:

six street-cleaners arrested following covert surveillance operation by mi5 exposing poor standard of condom-clearance

mother vows "never again" to wash head of baby kissed by supreme pontiff

baby lodges complaint of child-abuse (in nappy)

baby arrested for projectile vomit attack on papal-mitre

pope-mobile clamped by westminster council parking enforcement officer

jocelyn jee esien claims she was "only doing job"

pope files complaint of religious discrimination and sexual harrassment against westminster city council

archbishop of canterbury questioned by police following pope-mobile tyre-slashing incident

most reverend rowan williams released on caution by metropolitan police after receiving directions to nearest public convenenience and how to use it

pope fined for failure to wear seat-belt

uk immigration directorate orders pope to attend home office approved college for english language tuition

abbott slams iraq war, but swerves afghanistan

2010-09-17T01:46:00.011+01:00

during last night's labour leadership debate (hosted by question time on bbc1), diane abbott, flashing her booty at the old-labour leftwingers, made a great show of dragging tony blair's name through the blood and guts of the iraq invasion and occupation (even going so far as to tag blair as the robin to george bush's batman), yet she observed the fairly obviously pre-choreographed club-convention by contributing to a complete collective failure to take any position on the continuing war-crime which is western intervention in afghanistan. abbott is a di-hard obama-opportunist who will do nothing to jeopardize her proximity to the white house power-distribution process whilst it keeps spinning, and this consideration trumps any allegiance she has to the old white socialist-left-overs - indeed, it is this very lack of commitment to human-rights which will cost the first black champagne socialist chick any real chance of progressing in this election. now don't get me wrong, diane abbott's by far the most compelling and communicative candidate on the list...i'd love our local hypocrite to get the gig, even tho', as a favour to her president, she encouraged the neighbourhood bother-boys 'n -girls to hang around here and mess me about - but my concern is this: if she were eventually to bust her way into number ten, would she be a faithful companion to dick dastardly, if he by some miracle manages to secure re-election on the platform of having achieved sweet fuck-all? you know i'm sorry diane, but you really cannot compare war-criminals, like bush and blair, to well-loved cartoon-heros, you gave yourself away there - believe me, if you ever get into government and, like obama, are passed the baton of brutality only to greedily accept it with a big fat grin, you will suffer far worse comic comparison than the one which i have just insinuated. if we have to have politicians, let them be good politicians - if black politicians have to collaborate in this race-war-mongering hierarchy, let them be good black politicians. the world doesn't need another barack "i'm not black or white, just bad" obama and a wife who, on his birthday, is not able to be by her husband's side because she is too busy doing essential life-saving charity work amongst down-and-out south-london gangsters in exile in marbella - at least the late manipulating power-cow princess di had the gumption to actually go to africa (you know michelle...that place where black people come from to do things for white people) and hold the hands, or stumps, of the children whose lives and families were (and still are) being decimated by the never-ending never-bending world-dictatorship of which she was a willing partner. these guys are a fucking disgrace to the memory of true black civil-rights heros like steve biko - who were real intellectuals with real guts. think my earlier sniggering portrayal of you is inappropriate ms abbott? just rewind the tape of last night's programme and review the part where you were so immersed in snorting at your own joke that you failed to notice the audience was laughing at you, not with you. yes, it can be a terrifying ordeal having every single mistaken moment of your existence recorded, examined and ridiculed by people who don't even know you, can't it diane? i'm sick of it too: your cia goons upstairs who make it their business to log every key i press on the computer, and every call i make on the telephone, are clearly lacking fulfilling careers - but have no fear, in the bling new world, obama and crew will always find such people a gang to belong to and duly allocate them some poor cunt to hound. what a boon.

this is a comment is free papal-overflow-facility

2010-09-16T12:19:00.006+01:00

steve bell on the pope's visit to britain

diane abbott sticks to principles and looks after her own

2010-09-16T02:52:00.009+01:00

the latest bout of positive discrimination to afflict the member of parliament for hackney north and stoke newington is, by definition, terminally racist...

in fact, it is the most racist strain of racism to be diagnosed on mainland britain since the spread of the 1976 race relations act - a superbug which is believed to have evolved as a result of the institutional over-prescription of 'n' words during the 1950s and 1960s.

however, at heart, labour leadership contender, diane abbott mp, is herself certainly not racist at all - she is simply a shrewd and seasoned, political operator (who knows precisely on which side her bun is creamed).

sarah ndagire: a race oddity

2010-09-15T00:29:00.019+01:00

sarah ndagire, a highly respected exponent of traditional ugandan music and afro-jazz, was definitely my favourite amongst the performers who kicked-off this year's london african festival - other artistes who took part in the opening-day at the southbank centre, on friday 10th september 2010, included the legendary chadian rapper, mc solaar, sudanese jazz-fusion vocalist, amira kheir, and dj edu of radio 1 extra. a star of kamapala radio, and superb linguist, sarah's folk-rhythms and melodies thrived on the improvisational afro-jazz-fusion talents of argile, the afro-german band which has invited her on a tour of europe this summer. it was fucking fab - the proof of the pudding being that ugandan home-girls in the audience got up and shook-their-stuff-to-the-beat in sheer arse-wiggling approval.

however, there was, as there always seems to be at such fortuitous events, a sour note - the stuck-up twat with whom i attended this show, and who effectively invited me down to it in the first place, but nevertheless neglected to buy me a drink despite being quite au fait with my completely skint financial situation that day, decided to take exception to the ethnicity of ms ndagire's musicians. well...perhaps next time, instead of going begging-bowl in hand to the white-wizard of oxford, boris de bully johnson, stuck-up twat and stuck-up twat's stinking rich and influential friends might see their way clear to busting-open their unendangered wallets and privately sponsoring an authentic african festival (whatever the heck that may be when it's at home) which specially caters for stuck-up twats like the stuck-up twat who has a penchant for masquerading as my friend. i keep telling the twat: nothing good ever comes of compulsory taxation - which is basically how we end up with an african ticket-only festival (a bit like an english bring-a-bottle party) with the somewhat surreal spectacle of white-men dressed in full african costume playing the drums, wickedly. in light of such blinding ignorance on the twat's part, i suppose i should not have been overly surprised that, on the way home, my inconstant consort topped-off the evening by informing me that i should pay 'taxes' to her gangster brothers in the mafia - hells bells, she keeps expressing a desire to 'collaborate' with me, but i rather reckon she'd do better collaborating with the inland cunting revenue.

ok...fair enough...in a world of ideal music, i would have preferred to have experienced an afro-african ensemble, but all-in-all i'm bloody glad i gate-crashed the mc solaar gig - it was bloody great, as was ms ndagire and her kooky but keen kraut crossovers, and there was never any doubt whatsoever that this celebrated ugandan singer, adorned in her stunning tribal costume, with her fluid african moves and genuine african curves, was anything less than an original african diva. rock on sarah!

spark up! exclusive: palin thinks with pussy

2010-09-13T21:43:00.004+01:00

in a rather-more-frank-than-we-frankly-wanted interview with an undercover spark up! special investigator, sarah palin (republican presidential extremely-fucking-hopeful) has today made the startling admission that, despite her strict whites-only conservative upbringing, she now wears democratic blue panties in order to avoid those awkward-to-explain-to-hubby light-brown stains which she claims are the inevitable residue of inspecting president "tight-ass" obama bend-over to pick up the frisky-federal-female vote in a pair of topographically-consistent 'rump-rider' track-pants...

at this crucial juncture, the conversation was curtailed in a most mysterious and abrupt manner, ostensibly due to ms palin having an urgent re-call of nature - which necessitated a three-hour visit to the bidet.

guido fawkes: a subversive subtitle of sky news irrational

2010-09-13T19:11:00.006+01:00

paul staines' persistent attempts to spin the coulson phone-tapping story away from the hack-headlights...the distractional spoof of a pre-meditated homophobic attack on william "hard-man" hague (carefully co-ordinated with conservative party headquarters)...addiction to illegal electronic surveillance techniques...

...what further evidence does one require?

oh...of course...unreserved and unsavoury support for slaughter of palestinian civilians in gaza.

boris's last stand-up

2010-09-11T15:39:00.003+01:00

so...why has the big beast of balliol, boris johnson, plumped to run for re-election as mayor of london - and why now? his belayed decision to throw his bike-clips into the ring, coming, as-it-does, hard-on-the-heels of the secret-policeman's ball-breaking phone-tapping scandal, can mean only one thing: the man greased-in to become britain's next prime minister, in 2015, must be far too hotly-implicated in illegal surveillance operations carried out by the murdoch empire - the united kingdom's de facto secret intelligence service, whatever the party in government...

please note that members of parliament are getting their knickers in a rare-old-twist about the criminal ear-wigging and tracking of their phones, but couldn't give a prying-hack about deep-eavesdropping on the lives of private citizens - including those who write blogs.

a billboard from god

2010-09-09T14:26:00.012+01:00

the forthcoming holy barbeque at dove outreach center in gainesville, florida, is not, as has been widely speculated, a desperate initiative by frustrated american authorities to explore alternative fuel-sources, but is, in reality, a spiritual marketing stunt directed by none-other-than the good lord himself, who, never one to miss an opportunity to make peace where there is a storm (and unify his discordant denominations with the single currency of a common purpose), has shrewdly recognized the commercial potential of the international scriptural inferno which this epiphanic auto da fé will inevitably catalyze - in a word, the prophetically peeved pastor is pre-ordained to unleash a textbook evangelical apocalypse of mutually assured testamental and qur'anic desecration which will go forth and multiply the profits of pious publishers across god's own globe in one almighty biblical bonanza...

...although our father in heaven may also forgive me for suspecting that the reverend terry jones has been smoking rather too much gainesville green.

nicolas sarkozy: the wog who kissed a dog and turned into a frog

2010-09-07T21:34:00.024+01:00

as a true-bred englishman, to the untidy-state-of-appearance born, i can readily acknowledge that les français have much to teach us rosbifs about the art of chic understated fashion and subtly under-cooked cuisine - i am, therefore, utterly at a loss to explain our cross-channel cousins' insistence on letting their uncosmopolitan, uncoutured, unbridled racism go completely topless, or rather hang-out like a barbarically bulbous british bitter-belly...whilst, of course, we here, on the immigrant isles, are far more adept at tailoring the socially sophisticated cover-up...well, at any rate our multi-culpable middle-classes manage to put on a pretty good show...

et...ooh là là, and well bugger-me broadside, if la dear 'ole france (a rustic république oft-times ruled by cheeky-charlie frankfurters, nudist norsemen, and kkk krauts) ain't now lorded-over by a common-or-garden hungarian count - oh yea, les randy révolutionaires have now elected their own slick sultan of showbiz, monseigneur sarkozy, to join the razzadaz-ranks of global-gits and conceited-clits, exemplified by the likes of banga berlusconi and orgasmo obama...for, if the truth be told, the united kingdom haven't yet found a suitably star-schmug replacement for tv-tone, the over-glazed god of gogglebox-gabshite, although gordon the granite-grey-grampa did try, bless his blundering-heart...and err...who the fuck is dave?

so, basically, sarko the rotter has taken a sinking-socialist state of hypocrisy, built upon the fundamental tenents of liberté, égalité, et fraternité, and, in the same mediocre manner as so many religious perverts who have gone before him, has united a politically perplexed population in a rich ragoût of raw-root-racial-hatred, avec indigenous crusty old croutons.

first off, the petty-pois president bans the burqa in the hope of undermining islam and securing a slush-sainthood from pope bentedict the brownshirt...then carla career-melon demands that all roma communities be deported because their beautiful soul-twanging ballads make her songs sound worse than the ultra-sonic-screeching of a freaked-out hedgehog...and finally, with considerations of health and safety aforethought, monsieur sarkanova decides to have pregnant african immigrants dragged feet-first from their squats, with the honourable intention of repatriating them to a better standard-of-living in sub-saharan zinc shanty-towns - quite a generous gesture given that he himself got half of them up-the-duff.

par belenos, i wouldn't put it past the defender of the fanny française to railroad ultimate french superhero, astérix le gaulois, back to the sea of grass, kazakhstan - where the celtic warrior's original ancestors lie buried in their pre-historic kurgans.

...and one last little question: when nicolas sarkozy has sent everyone 'back' where they 'belong' - who'll be left?

answer: just himself and tom cruise - with whom the president has no objection to being photographed, largely because the short-arsed scientologist doesn't dwarf him into total obscurity. in conclusion, mr sarkozy, may i draw on the worldly wisdom and teachings of l ron hubbard, and assure you that your short-comings are not in fact genetic, but arise purely as a result of you being a complete cunt.

*nicolas sarkozy: la racaille qui baisa une fille avant de s'en transformer en grenouille.

cameron's carnival of complacency

2010-09-01T16:38:00.030+01:00

the new coalition carnival 2010 will ultimately receive a sotto voce response at the polls - the big bruv' society, of clegg 'n cameron inc, having successfully subverted the traditional caribbean street-party in london's notting hill, subduing it into silence under a damp down-pillow of diva-policing...for you see, the beat-boys are back in town, with a vicious, virtuous vengeance. under the bravado bourgeois management of mayor boris johnson, the smirking balliol bully, carnival is dead-set on becoming the biggest village-fête in europe - a charmingly confined celebration of tea, cupcakes, cucumber-sandwiches, rasta-ribboned morris-dancing-and-may-pole-prancing...or you'll get yer head kicked-in, by the fuzz-bouncers, init? nevertheless, respect must go out to all the kow-towing community-leaders, without whom this muted multi-cultural masquerade of monotonous menacing blue could never have been achieved - perhaps the privileged petty-powers of parliament feel that the notion of serfs letting-off steam for a day has become obsolete in a liberal society embarrassed by the frustrating freedom to do fuck-all-good for anyone. a seven pm sound-off, leaves the mood of mambo-jambo-without-jets to culminate in a controlled-crash at the fag-end of a festive-funway trimmed by a tactical blackthorn-hedge; banned-from-bogling, but licensed-to-booze, the wronged-throng, unreluctantly-trained to form an orderly queue, descend back into the tube-system, and submit to the gradual creeping-culture of obamafication...save for two lads, spoilt-with-liberty, whose raucous remonstrations found sport with the law, and the law winged them with a clinically executed display of spontaneous synchronized-drubbing, hospitably treating the popping-pair to a short-sharp burst of relentlessly-rehearsed rawhide-racial-rhythms coming-to-conclusion in a concise on-the-cuff crescendo when both gob-smacked guests were overwhelmed to accept the drum-rôle d'honneur - the show over, a select-audience of smattered fans wavered in shell-shock-adulation, straining their saturated-souls to find an appropriate manner in which to express their unrestrained gratitude, some generously donating bottles of iced-cold-beer to quench the ardent auraric thirst of the authorized attention artistes blowing and glowing centre-fold...whilst other have-a-go-gallants turned from confronting the compulsory surreal attraction, and sheepishly accompanied bubbling womenfolk back to their shelters of silk-sheer complacency.

petraeus flips-his-flopsider and vows to flush insurgency from white house

2010-08-25T05:40:00.017+01:00

buoyed in the wake of his ground-buffing campaign to bring ozone-friendly furniture polish, avant-garde odour control, and new-wave anti-static carpet-shampoo to iraq, cap'n david petraeus has stamped his nubuck rockport deckshoe by way of politely re-iterating that july 2011 is simply "a date when a process begins", and insists that he will not be rushing to withdraw service-personnel from mainland united states until he has run his ultra-lite khaki feather-duster along every cornice of the oval office, poked it into every crevice, and relentlessly tickled the enemy until terrorizing them into complete and unconditional submission. petraeus, distinguished in five-star commercial-hygiene operations which have have brought him into contact with some of the most hostile environments in downtown washington dc, and a dour gritty veteran of two deep-cleans, says that he has not survived a bungled assassination attempt by his own staff, and another totally unrelated malicious act of god, just to turn and quit when the going gets a bit messy. the general explained: "when you go into a job like this...you think that it's your last job, especially when you've got a complaints book containing more colourful prose than war and peace, and a contractor who is determined to see you fall flat on your face so he can use a get-out clause, dispense with your services, and then walk right-over you off into the sunset without even stepping in the icky-sticky backyard mud".

meanwhile, sitting on the sharp-end out in afghanistan, general james t conway of the united states marine corps has made the following proposition: "if we can't shift the taliban by mid-2011, we'll just have to meet them man-to-man, smoke a few pipes, hold hands and join forces to strike at our deadly common foe - the po-litically-correctionated pinko poof-lovers in power in washington".

when later asked to comment on general conway's remarks, general petraeus made it clear that he was not currently in a position to make further statements on the affair, as he was heavily occupied, having taken-on overall command of a crucial "disinfection-manœuvre" - apparently he'd had to order his men "over-the-top", although sadly could not join them due to an extremely pressing prior engagement with a smoked-salmon sandwich at the country club.

cameron to encourage teenagers to get stoned

2010-08-20T01:02:00.011+01:00

in an innovative bid to reduce the billions of pounds of public-money spent on training and equipping the united kingdom's armed-forces (and then finding them some mad cunt to fight), the prime minister has today announced that the taliban are to lose the lucrative contract for exterminating our delinquent work-shy younger generation, and instead says he plans to make the british yute pay for their own orgiastic 18-30 holidays to the caspian riviera, in iran, where the authorities will be more than happy to oblige by stoning the whole fucking fornicating crew to death for free.

president mahmoud ahmadinejad has cordially welcomed the proposals, enthusing that they usher in a "new era" of anglo-iranian relations - adding that he looked forward to the day when his country would be fully-admitted to the nuclear family, and he would personally be given the nod by the british government to push the button and finish the fucking job off properly.

oh dear...

2010-08-19T21:04:00.012+01:00

...i seem to have inadvertantly reported myself to the equality and human rights commission - i had a funny feeling i might do this one day. i in fact emailed saturday's blogpost, a formal apology to guido fawkes, to trevor phillips in the hope of getting the labour party's surveillance-and-bother-squad off my back, but, judging by an aggressive incident in the street yesterday, this ploy has not worked, and the press-gang now appears to want me to comment on message space blogs such as guido fawkes or its nobbly malformed tuber, old holborn - unfortunately, these guys do not appreciate that control and intimidation are not at all conducive to creativity...and as i never received a cunting penny for contributing to these bastard blogs in the first instance, there's fuck all chance i'm going to help them now.

who'd want to write on those two blogs anyway? guido fawkes has a prissy sissy moderation policy, and old holborn has a fussy and frilly comments section which forces one to open numerous little tabs in order to view all the teasingly concealed literary delights - a bit like a blooming big pair of french-fucking-knickers with a built-in advent-calendar. that's, of course, what you get with a bunch of women in charge of the show.

spark up! exclusive: diane abbott says slave trade was legal

2010-08-17T16:08:00.013+01:00

during a recent radio interview, labour leadership hopeful, diane abbott, has controversially stated that, although the slave trade was initially considered "legal", it should now be gradually "phased" out, as the boys in blue are making "an absolutely terrible racket" hunting down the runaways 'round her manor in hackney - however, she expressed caution about abolishing the evil practice too quickly, because inner-city immigrant labour votes keep her ladyship in the pampered parliamentary luxury to which she has become well-fucking-accustomed for nearly a quarter of a century.

when later questioned, off-air, on the sticky subject of tony blair's memoirs being pulped into attractive eco-conscious papier-mâché prosthetics for ex-servicemen maimed in the iraq war, ms abbott was quoted as saying she thought it was "a jolly nice gesture", and that, "actually", "tony" deserved "a medal for all the selfless charity-work he has done" - a minority view, it must be said, which was boldly expressed in typically brazen fashion by the feisty member of parliament for stoke newington, flying, as it did, in the face of a widespread grassroots consensus that the millions raised by the bestselling-book might possibly be more constructively spent on building a rocket capable of firing the former prime minister directly into the sun, with a projected optimum journey time of roughly 45 minutes.

a formal apology to guido fawkes

2010-08-14T18:37:00.019+01:00

there are times, in all our lives, when we have to admit that we have made a gigantic cods-walloping mistake, and, today, it is (happily) my turn to be human, and to say sorry to the political blogger, guido fawkes.

sorry.

mr fawkes, i am really really sorry to have accused your associates of snooping on me and carrying out, over the past four years, a highly illegal surveillence-operation on behalf of the conservative party.

i am truly sorry,

because it has now been brought to my attention that your associates were, of course, working for the labour government.

since 2006, i have been spied upon and been illegally eavesdropped and tracked via my mobile phone, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. why? because someone, somewhere, did not like the political opinions which i was expressing. i have been subjected to a sophisticated and co-ordinated programme of disinformation, harrassment, and suggestive blackmail which has had the cynical aim of kicking to the curb my freedom of speech - and this, as any writer or artist will acknowledge, is tantamount to a psychological prison sentence. my private premises, along with all other places which i frequent, have been intimately deep-bugged with covert audio-visual recording equipment, my clothes and shoes have been slyly fitted with digital-tracking-equipment, people close to me (including estranged members of my family) have been bribed to monitor my activities and inform on me, my personal computer has been hacked and placed under continual observation by persons who have rented flats in my neighbourhood for this specific purpose - and i have been physically assaulted.

i now realize that this crazy convoluted operation has been mounted in conjunction with members of the security services, and has even involved tailor-made courses of harrassment provided courtesy of government departments such as the jobcentre and its freelance bully-boys, working links - indeed, anyone still naïve enough to work in the public services must now surely come to terms with the fact that every government office, school, and hospital is carefully planted with a strategic network of super-annuated intelligent grasses, the like of which have been keeping tabs on me ever since my days as a civil-service union representative...but god knows, this obsession with mind-control has reached a fever-pitch in recent times and must cost the tax-payer a fucking fortune. my crimes? harsh criticism of british and united states government policy, as promulgated by messrs bush, obama, blair, brown, and cameron - with the iraq and afghan war as my specialist subject.

i will list below the most probable facilitators of my interminable torment, according to rank:

lord mandelson
trevor phillips obe
david lammy
meg hillier
diane abbott
oona king
simon woolley

ongoing court proceedings involving a primary provocateur prevent the naming of any additional politicians who may be implicated.

in recognition of dissenting bloggers in the uk, usa, europe, and across the world, my solicitors will not rest until the culprits are judicially exposed and barred from public office, forever. and in order to save public money, i propose that mr cameron scraps the secret intelligence services with immediate effect - fucking useless cunts.

old holborn goes all english nationalist

2010-08-04T22:21:00.014+01:00

bless his little rotten heart, old holborn has resorted to good old english nationalism in order to justify his tirade-mark islamophobia and anti-semitism - he's also having difficulty keeping his stats up these days, so i'll provide him with a couple of links: ever the victim and ever the victim (part two).

in brief, old holborn reckons that the israelis have falsely accused the english of being anti-semitic - a label which, he asserts, despite a long and well-documented history of english and british anti-semitism, is grossly unfair, because once-upon-a-time some israelis blew up some englishmen in palestine. however, old holborn fails to mention that the british military was over in the holy land due to british participation in the second world war, a war which britain, like the united states, had no need to enter, given that hitler really had no desire to invade or fight us, recognizing as he did that we were all fascists of a feather, not in the least concerned about the fate of a few million jews, africans, caribbeans, asians, gypsies, communists or homosexuals, and all hell-bent on empire-building, or empire-preserving - the primary reasons for britain and america's eventual involvement in the conflict.

old holborn then goes on to state that, since the pakistani foreign secretary has deemed the british to have "caused offence" by calling his countrymen terrorists, we english have been falsely accused of being islamophobic - a label which, he asserts, despite a long and well-documented history of english and british islamophobia, is grossly unfair, because once-upon-a-time a few people of pakistani-origin blew up some englishmen in london. however, old holborn fails to mention that the british military have been suppressing, slaughtering and exploiting the citizens of pakistan for a couple of hundred years, all in the name of british colonialism. old holborn also vilifies pakistan for subjecting its citizens to slavery, bonded labour, poverty and for creating a club (islam) which no-one is allowed to leave - yet he fails to recognize that the imposition of british colonialism and neo-colonial democracy has had exactly the same effect. old holborn reckons that pakistan has exported a culture of personal violence to this our beautiful island - yet he omits to point out that we already have the nhs to thank for implementing invasive health procedures and programmes which mutilate the lives of our citizens, both mentally and physically.

whilst i can agree with old holborn that pakistan and israel are governed by murderous, empire-building régimes, i must, unlike him, acknowledge that it was our own english-based murderous, empire-building régime which put them in place...and let us not forget the single proud contribution which english nationalism has made to the world and which still proudly stands our country in good stead today - namely, the concentration camp, now more commonly known as the immigration detention centre. what a fucking disgrace. sort it out cameron you fascist cunt.

in case you've been wondering, the difference between old holborn and spark up is that old holborn is an english nationalist who promotes the dysfunctional traits of our national character, such as racism, sexism, and downright hypocritical bigotry - whereas i, spark up, am an english culturalist who celebrates the finer aspects of traditional english life, such as cricket, fish and chips, and a nice cuppa tea.

cameron says council houses are the dog's bollocks

2010-08-04T13:23:00.004+01:00

according to the prime minister, a council kennel is just for about five christmases and not for life - perhaps dave's taking his frustrations out on us plebs now that samantha is getting a little irritated by the cramped subsidized social-accommodation which the cameron's are currently forced to occupy at number 10 downing street? don't worry darling, i doubt whether you'll have to put up with the south west one slum for the full term.

never mind the iraq war

2010-08-04T01:16:00.007+01:00

obama is currently making great play of clearing out of iraq, whilst chinlessly puffing out his chest and pushing propaganda in afghanistan. meanwhile, obama-chum cameron is being told to mind his language by prime minister zardari - after the british prime minister picked up on president obama's woeful attempt to put his foot in the great-wiki-war-leak and, in a crudely co-ordinated operation, accused pakistan of aiding taliban terrorism. zardari now has the embarrassing task of pointing out to cameron that britain and the united states do not have a hope in hell of beating the taliban, who are actually winning the defence of afghanistan.

yes, mr obama, there is indeed nothing new in the wiki-leak revelations - we already knew that civilian lives were being sacrificed in afghanistan for the greater good of american self-importance, and that, surprise-surprise, sections of the pakistani administration have been supporting anti-western forces. you see it's all an unfortunate misunderstanding which has occurred due to clumsily implemented terminology - if, mr obama, you had briefed david cameron to accuse pakistan's islamic state of assisting their muslim brothers in the holy jihad against the invading infidel, everyone would have been sweet, except, of course, for those middle-eastern politicians who are getting slushed-up by the cia. it is absolutely natural, mr obama, that other muslim countries are going to back resistance movements mounted against western forces which have immorally occupied the home territory of fellow muslims - this is fucking obvious you dumb cunt. are only christians permitted to repel aggressive intruders, to arm themselves with high-tech weaponry, to congregate and coalesce to mount a holy crusade, and to possess nuclear deterrents? mr obama, you are waging a sham-war in the middle-east for the benefit of your racist voters at home in the united states, but the afghan opposition have seen too many of their women and children aimlessly butchered to play your deadly game of shadow-boxing, they are not sparring - when you trumpet some stupidly-named invasive-surgery operation against the taliban, they just move out and proceed to bite your troops in the ass up some other barren mountain-of-nothingness. you look like an utter dickhead, mr president. obama, it's high time you review your intelligence on the uppityness of iran, pakistan, afganistan, somalia etc etc and decide whether to boost your macho image by taking on the entire muslim world in an inevitably cataclysmic global-war, or whether to fuck-off home like a sensible boy. can't get political support for doing the right thing? then resign like a man. this war ain't got no damn legs, man.

spark up! exclusive: revolutionary intellectual bonnie princess greer claims mozart was muslim suicide-bomber

2010-07-23T20:19:00.022+01:00

in a highly controversial outburst, bonnie greer (recently awarded the order of the british empire in recognition of her piss useless attacks on the establishment) has revealed that the celebrated composer, wolfgang amadeus mozart, was in fact a radical islamic jihadist who came to a blinding crescendo then blew himself up - a remarkable new finding which turns on its afro the hitherto accepted body of historical scholarship, carried out by literally scores of eminent musicologists, that has always indicated the manic maestro to have been, in all probability, either the initiate of a traditional polytheistic niger-congo religion whose followers hold sacred the ewe dual-deity, mawu-lisa, or, alternatively, a worshipper of the androgynous god, vonda, revered by the fon people of benin, and, notwithstanding the exact nature of his religious beliefs, to have been simply the innocuous victim of a rather stubborn common cold.

tragically, however, and wholly irrespective of the true circumstances pertaining to the wonderful wolfgang's untimely demise, it must be stressed that an audience with ms greer is closely akin to the childhood experience of being taken by one's educatively over-stimulated parents to visit the grassfield site of the ancient battle of woodstock, only to meet with the profound disappointment of discovering the complete absence of any busty britannic babes bathing bare-assed in the lake, not-to-mention a distinct lack of hippies wandering 'round sporting a spear lodged in one eye-socket - for the good battleship bonnie, i'm afraid to say, has gracefully retired from political activism to knit woolly-worded tea-cosies custom-designed to keep the chilly winter-draughts out of babylon, her feminist views but out-of-fashion-accessories left shunned and moth-balled in the closet, her faux exibition-outrage over the senselessly-slaughtered guts of innocent afghan families serving as little more than morally-perished knicker-elastic. now how can one support president obama without supporting the clear and present policies of neo-colonial suppression which, in countries such as afghanistan, and pakistan, the selfsame gentleman justifies in the name of self-defence? well err...umm...by the skilled employment of nuancing, according to the highly-articulated bonnie greer - who would presumably also have used nuancing to effect a resounding vote-of-confidence in the chancellorship of adolf hitler, with the exception obviously of those terribly embarrassing occasions when he would just insist on siegheiling and goose-stepping, ad nauseum. although, to be fair to bonnie, let's not forget: herr hitler did wear that awfully nice uniform in a most attractive shade of brown...

...and whilst we're on the delicate subject of the existential anguish provoked by championing the cause of a problem, yet meantime performing bi-polar gymnastics to condemn the effect...may i mention, by-the-by, that forking out half-a-million pounds of tax-payers' dosh...on a propaganda-painting which illustrates what jolly nice people we british really were despite simultaneously being slave-traders...is pure and utter bollocks...and in no way conducive to the promotion of national mental health.

oh please, please...bring back our old bonnie who, at the least excuse for a protest, would have been champing to strip-off starkers and superglue her tongue irretrievably up david dimbleby's arsehole.

boris de bastard vows to ornament the perimeter of parliament square with a filigree lattice of anti-renaissance razor-wire-sculpture

2010-07-16T14:32:00.011+01:00

following a judicial ruling to bulldoze democracy village from the face of parliament square (and a swiftly conducted opinion-poll), sheriff of london, boris johnson, has stood by his convictions and given his word, as a complete and utter bastard, to restore westminster's own emerald isle to its former glory and its former freeholder, her majesty the queen of england and other places. david "the dachshund" cameron has chipped-in and pledged a battalion of one thousand ground-troops, armoured-assault-vehicles, plus air-support (including the latest high-spec apache helicopters), to drive the soviet-backed crypto-crusty insurgency from the capital's beleaguered public camp-site. in a brief interview with spark up!, bad boris complained that, thus far, the protest had cost the tax-payer over £250k in court and clean-up costs - money, he said, which would have been far better spent blowing the little arms and legs off afghan children, with astronomically expensive american cluster-bombs.

spark up! continues to defend the right of all-comers to play cricket, according to fair rules, upon the green of parliament square - but i feel it my patriotic duty to point out that, although the place does now rather appear to have been degraded to a pétanque patch by the revolting revolutionaries, we obviously cannot have any fancy fromage-fumed frenchies fannying around with fanatically-polished cannon-balls on our sacred-site, can we?

spark up! exclusive: cameron to ban wearing of trousers at half-mast

2010-07-14T23:06:00.006+01:00

i supppose this could be the conservative party's fox-hunting moment

western intervention in somalia causes carnage across africa

2010-07-13T16:35:00.018+01:00

the above headline may not be strictly true today, but continued american and british interference in somalian politics could lead to a contagious continental civil-war spreading 'across africa' tomorrow - it would inevitably develop between followers of the two main proxy-religions to which africans have been exposed, islam and christianity.

when, in 2006, the united states and the united kingdom decided to employ their diplomatic muscle, their intelligence services, and armed forces, to destabilize and disintegrate the moderate and popularly accepted somalian umbrella party, the islamic courts union (at a time when somalians were emerging from years of destructive civil war and were firmly set on making peace amongst themselves), our malicious american and british governments also cynically enlisted (via the united nations) the support of western-puppeteered dictators such as president museveni in uganda. now kampala has been attacked -and our slaughter-happy manipulative leaders have achieved the result they always desired - a somalia plunged back into the eternal abyss of catastrophic internal conflict, the mutilated corpses of murdered ugandan civilians splattered right across the world's television screens (although not, of course, the bodies of the many thousand somalian dead), and a grotesquely manufactured excuse to invade a muslim country previously disinterested in islamic extremism, where there pre-existed no so-called 'al qaeda' elements with any credible independent local powerbase. al-shabaab, the splinter-group which has claimed responsibility for the ugandan bombings, has only been pushed to the fore since 2006, when western-backed forces intervened in somalia. the terrorists-of-the-moment, whose dipping hands are indelibly dyed with the blood of these unsuspecting ugandan football-fans, are known as david cameron and barack obama, and they intend to use somalia as yet another launch-pad to effect total war against iran and the wider middle-east - for the sake of innocent men, women and children in both the middle-east, and africa, and here at home in the capitals of our western moral-wilderness, we simply cannot allow such an outrageous plan to accumulate endorsement.

spark up! fully backs the campaign to occupy parliament square until these genocidal wars are abandoned. the wars perpetrated and precipitated by american and european powers in the middle east, africa, and in many other corners of the globe, are a gross and horrendous abuse of the united nations' legislature and international law - these immoral wars aim to annihilate all basic human rights and aspirations of common decency. this is not democracy, and this is certainly not cricket. spark up! defends the right of all-comers to play cricket, according to fair rules, upon the green of parliament square - until such time as our governments cease to indulge in the murderous enslaving pursuits of protectionism, interventionism, and exploitation across the face of god's earth. amen.

spark up! artspy exclusive: punch-up in paradise

2010-07-13T10:36:00.011+01:00

stop press:

after extensive undercover investigation spark up! is now in a position to reveal that a certain london-born comedienne (whose precise identity i cannot possibly reveal for reasons of personal security and sanity) has infiltrated her troupe of halfwit actors (plus production crew) into the notorious peace-cramp in parliament square. desperate for a hit series, miss x is currently attempting to shoot scenes of a somewhat salacious nature right beneath the noses of our ruling arses.

each episode will apparently culminate carry on-cum-rab c nesbit-cum-asterix-style in a barbaric brawl between rival peacenik factions.

one leitmotiv of the show will be a continuous game of cricket played rain-or-shine between teams of protesters representing opposite ends of the political spectrum. the match will, i am told, be constantly interrupted by umpire plod, who will be constantly inspecting the pitch for evidence of vandalism, and will feature (following her recent resoundingly successful, nay mould-breaking, portrayal of a batty eastender, in the soap-operetta eastenders) the widely acclaimed and multi-talented actress tameka empson, who will perform a cameo-rôle as stump. indeed, spark up! managed to snatch a short interview with the effusive miss empson, who excitedly let slip that she "couldn't wait to be banged in the hallowed-turf right in the middle of the green".

with a bit of luck they'll all get thrown in the slammer and the streets of london will be a safer place for us all...

...basically because the government bully-boys will have shot themselves straight in the fucking foot - leaving the anti-war movement to score a huge publicity coup.

we just can't have our national treasures treated in this way, now can we? i think even the ministry of defence knows it's onto a hiding to nothing against millions of enraged eastenders fans.

top dodge

2010-07-06T12:44:00.007+01:00

spark up! notes, with some interest, that the only local authority to feature amongst guido fawkes' top 100 readership sources is the london borough of hackney - which appears, as a bedraggled political rose, amongst a veritable bouquet of elite intellectual and financial institutions. is the conservative paul staines rigging his traffic stats via a notoriously corrupt labour server?

the spark up! post-slag: worrying under-representation of golliwogs in national chain-store

2010-07-01T21:26:00.008+01:00

to: trevor phillips obe (chairman - equality & human rights commission)

from: xxxxx xxxx (spark up!)

dear sir trevor

i today visited the build-a-bear workshop, a soft-toy retail-outlet located at covent garden north piazza, london wc2e 7qa, and, despite observing a preponderance of flamingos, bears, pandas and the like, was most concerned to note the conspicuous lack of golliwogs on sale there. as you can imagine, i felt immediately compelled to enquire about this scandalous situation and approached a bear-salesperson in order to ascertain whether the afore-mentioned establishment's policy on golliwogs was, indeed, more a case of positive selection, rather than negative omission - however, in response to the question, "do you have any golliwogs in stock?" the assistant blurted out: "i don't exactly know what a golliwog is, but if it's what i think it is, no!" well, leaving aside the deplorable state of affairs whereby, in this day and age, an employee in such a line of business can be wholly ignorant of the existence of the golliwog, nay, utterly unable to identify one, i feel duty-bound to point out that the weight of circumstancial evidence collected at the build-a-bear workshop constitutes a prima facie case of gross discrimination against the beleaguered cuddly toy formerly known-and-loved as "golly", the child's bosom bedtime-companion. moreover, i am sorry to say, i cannot build, for this company, a specious defence based upon the notion, for example, that the build-a-bear workshop only sells the teddy bear and nothing but the teddy bear - for, as i have already communicated, i distinctly remember beholding furry flamingos and pekingese pandas strutting their stuff upon the display-shelves. i am thus presented with no other option but to conclude that there is in play, purely-and-simply, a pre-meditated marketing-plan which aims to intentionally exclude the traditional afro-caribbean playmate from the shop-premises - a decision which has deliberately left the continent of africa woefully and disgracefully under-represented in the build-a-bear workshop, and which has left me flabbergasted. (a decision, incidentally, which seems all the more astonishing in light of the fact that the museum of childhood in bethnal green, london, displays the renegade minstrel as an heroic role model)

i trust, sir trevor, that you will deal with this matter expeditiously and expediently, using the full gravity of your office.

yours sincerely

xxxxx xxxx

ps:

i beg you forgive my failure to supply a full address and my employment of a pseudonym - you will appreciate that whilst conducting my undercover-operations as a crusader against racial inequality, i have found the adoption of anonymity to be essential, as this genre of work is highly perilous and can, unfortunately, provoke completely unwarranted reprisals.

shock result: extensive fifa research in south africa proves conclusively that englishmen possess a superior 'soccer gene' which nigerian men do not

2010-06-24T12:21:00.009+01:00

'nuff said really...

300 not out

2010-06-22T13:13:00.005+01:00

it's just not cricket to bomb civilian men, women and children in a “broken 13th-century country”. fuck off fox.

lola adesioye: miss dangerous...or dangerous miss?

2010-06-19T14:51:00.010+01:00

spark up! responds to the following huffington post article (concerning pope benedict xvi's notorious pronouncement that africans should not use condoms) by lola adesioye :

message to the pope: leave africa alone and go back to italy asap

whilst i commend lola on dogmatically biting into the pope's bollocks and refusing to let go, i feel she must be criticized for ignoring the huge impact upon african aids-transmission-rates which has been historically created by under-funded western medical-care programmes and the inevitable consequential unauthorized use of unsterilized medical equipment - a sorry situation which is explored here in a blogpost which draws conclusions based upon the medical reviews of dr david gisselquist, which are listed here.

spark up! exclusive: michelle mopslop demands right to reply

2010-06-19T14:10:00.013+01:00

here at spark up! we pride ourselves on our impartial and unbiased reporting of all matters, especially those which concern the president of the united states of america, mr barack obama. accordingly, we have allowed mr obama's american wife, michelle mopslop, the opportunity to respond to allegations of presidential insouciance with regard to the continued enslavement, exploitation and slaughter of african people by western corporations - criticisms which were, of course, contained within a piece written by michelle obarnickel, mr obama's british wife, which was published on spark up! on thursday.

mopslop said she couldn't be arsed to write anything, so i had the inestimable honour of conducting a telephone interview during which she basically expressed no desire to opine upon how hardship in africa is aggravated by political decisions made in the white house - but was extremely keen to point out that she "knew nothing" about the president having any "british bitch", the "bitch" was essentially a "big fat ugly lying dirty black british bitch", and the president couldn't have been up to anything anyway because she'd had the cia install a snake's-eye camera in the end of his doo-da through which she and her mum monitored all barack's motions night-and-day, "so fucking there".

spark up! shock exclusive: comment censored by cia from huffington post

2010-06-17T02:28:00.013+01:00

on just her first day of contributing, michelle obarnickel, president barack obama's shunned second wife, a jamaico-briton, has been unceremoniously blocked from commenting on the huffington post - the internationally-celebrated blog, second only in world-rankings to your own dear, beloved, spark up!

unconfirmed rumours of a covert cia operation to gag michelle obarnickel are now orbiting the globe at supersonic-speed. white house officials deny "any involvement" by michelle mopslop, president obama's super-controlling first wife, an afro-american, in the scandalous affair.

we are greatly honoured and thrilled that michelle has approached us (in tears) here at spark up! and have naturally jumped at this unique opportunity to publish the full unexpurgated dirt below:

comment by michelle obarnickel in response to an article by harry shearer entitled:

a word to bp shareholders

i hate to be the one to break this to you, harry, i really do, but barack obama was set up by the cia to sanitize the bloody-war crap, the economic-crash crap, and the environmental-polution crap, which was left behind by the republicans - all this whilst soiling his own reputation in the process. the current president is a single-term skittle, deliberately poised to be bowled-flat, for maximum points, leaving the deck cleared for republicans to re-rack and start a new game. unfortunately for the cia, it chose to enlist the assistance of the nigero-centric african-american mafia to facilitate their fall-guy's accelerated ascension to power, and, having rumbled the conceited agency's rotten ruse, a tiny kernel of black intellectuals configured their own power-play - they rustled up a slick saboteurial sub-scheme whereby african-americans would sneak in first, strike out the pretentious president's hypocritical humanist values, accrue maximum black-political capital, and leave white-liberal america blushing bare-assed at the home-plate, in front of stands packed-full with gob-smacked republican spectators.

now that's exactly where we are today - we have a black president administrating a neo-colonial empire, on behalf of white american liberals. this protectionist, interventionist, exploitative african-american president has hardly visited africa, let alone done anything to free black africans from suffocating international trade-agreements designed to keep white americans in the manner to which they are accustomed. middle-class white americans continue to profit from 'equities' in corporations which leave african and middle-eastern countries mutilated by war and environmental sacrilege: congo cobalt and copper = 10 million dead (this decade alone), iraqi-afghan oil = x million dead (and never mind the poppy or arms trade). the crux of this problem is encapsulated in the niger delta region, nigeria, where oil-spills and gas-flaring have been destroying lives, livelihoods and essential natural environment, day-in, day-out, for decade-upon-decade, yet these daily events never make the headlines in the united states of america - whose cosseted citizens reap the benefits, whilst in the commercial capital, lagos, nigerians do not even have a constant electricity-supply sufficient to light their homely-shacks...and gasolene is at a super-inflated premium.

so now the republican oil-giants have launched a suicide attack against their own country, and they want the democrats to clear up the mess, or pass the buck on to the british - laugh? i nearly pooed myself. well i am british, and i'm sick to death of the cia arrogantly assuming it can appoint our prime ministers and interfere in our political process (against our will), and i'm sick of the united kingdom doing the cia's dirty work, and i'm sick of the other michelle and the cia usurping, repressing and intimidating the british blogging scene for their own (american) ends - so go find someone else to suck on your filthy pipe.

you see, i'm barack obama's other (black british) wife, and i know that, no matter how deeply black people around the world despise his callous political prejudice towards africa (and believe me they do, with a vengeance), they will only assassinate my husband with their barbwire-tongues...but when his ridiculous sham civil-righteous stance becomes an outright embarrassment to white americans, he will be removed, rapidly...by whatever means necessary - and that is why i want my man to resign this untenable preposterous position with immediate effect, on health and safety grounds, because i love him, and i love our children, dearly. god save africa. amen.

update 17.06.01, 17.00hrs:

the huffington post has finally relented and published michelle's heart-rending plea for human rights for african-african humans - it goes without saying that spark up! takes absolutely no credit for bringing pressure to bear on the huffington post's arse in order to ensure that the true story of american corporate cannibalism was promulgated stateside.

decade bloody decade

2010-06-16T00:57:00.004+01:00

£195 million to investigate one afternoon of british brutality - no wonder the british government cannot countenance an inquiry into the iraq, afghanistan and pakistan wars...

barack obama: the african-american president who avoids africa like the black plague

2010-06-15T17:06:00.017+01:00

ignoring his unhistoric gob-stop in egypt where he tried out some new mouthwash on the muslims, obama has made only one flying-trip to a truly black african nation - the grateful hosts on that occasion of high-security, cia-street-cleansing, and cranked-up-media-momentum, being the west-cosy ghanaian government of president john atta mills. indeed, at the time he granted his ground-snogging visitation to mother africa's bosom, obama made it diamond-clear that he would not be staging further presidential-manifestations upon african soil unless the local ruling governments in question met the strict cock-sucking requirements laid-down by his united states' administration - the sole exception to this stipulation being when united states' forces had previously occupied that particular country, secured all tourist attractions, and swept the safari park.

of course, the real reason for mr obama's shyness in materializing in the mummy-continent is the multitude of highly-fucked-off muslims and other assorted anti-arrogant-asshole africans, who realize (either by the grace of having watched islamic afghan families splattered on prime-time telly, or having engaged in fruitless attempts to sell crops to the usa, or having had the minerals pulled out from under their very feet by cia-armed warlords) that this protectionist, interventionist, extractionist president does not give a toffee about africa, and would like to pop him - before the place is suffocated, slaughtered and sucked-dry by his political profiteering.

no doubt, mr obama may soon be dropping-in to support his soccer team in south africa, safe in the knowledge that there are lots of lovely white people living there who own all the nice bits - i do, however, have it on good authority that he is praying to god almighty for the stars 'n stripes squad to be eliminated early, this being a result which would excuse him from sitting through 90 minutes of tedious soccerball in a stadium-fit-for-snipers.

spark up! exclusive: bp (blow-pipe) unlimited - the facts behind the fuck-ups

2010-06-12T00:19:00.043+01:00

at the core of one of their trademark unsubtly-synchronized damage-limitation exercizes, the british mainscream media are trotting out one of their sloppiest stories ever: how the bp oil-spill has polluted the anglo-american 'special relationship' - you know, what with bp being a 'british' company 'n all. well, well...i'm sure that my esteemed 'n educated readers (tom and dick) will have spotted straight-off that bp plc is, in reality, a multi-national enterprise which trades shares on stock-markets around the globe, and, after a cursory blink at the company's wikipedia entry, they will have realized, like i, that supernova bp is a concern native to iran - a fact which may go an awful long way towards explaining president obama's current hostile relationship with this slimy shower's board of directors, despite their generous donations to democratic party funds, and the fact that roughly 40% of the shareholders are americans (the other 60% being split 40:20 between britons and penguins respectively). to be fair, this ownership-profile reveals bp as the mother-cunt-fucking epitome of the incestuous relationship between the united states and great britain. anyway, even though bp's tax-return is basically paying the guy's wages, obama still persists with the view that the blotch formerly known as the anglo-persian oil company is actually a british sub-branch of al qaeda - a view which, as it turns out, is totally incorrect.

as regular spark up! readers will undoubtedly have guessed, the origins of the deepwater horizon cowboy-plumbing extravaganza are not to be found in iran, nor in alaska (where bp last dumped), nor indeed in bp's super-downsized health and safety department (which is rumoured to consist of an ancient and yellowing no-smoking notice informally blu-tacked to the door of a deserted shack located someplace in death valley, california), but are to be discovered on mr obama's very own doorstep, in downtown kingston, jamaica, at the official residence of president spudus of the unknown underworld. spark up! special investigators have ascertained that the strange fuse of occurrences, which alledgedly lit the explosion in the gulf, began when the president was on vacation in miami, florida, and elected to pull into an amoco (bp) gas station with the simple and honest intention of tanking-up his swanky customized sports-utility-vehicle (bumper force one) with some of their high-grade merchandise. it apparently all kicked-off when, president spudus, being the man of breeding that he is, decided it appropriate to compliment the somewhat over-qualified lady-cashier upon the amplitude of her burgeoning bosoms - however it instantly transpired that the beleaguered buxomized black beauty did not require further endorsement of her upholstery beyond the 1088 lovingly crafted commendations which she had already received on that very day alone, and reading the premonitions in his palm's-eye, brazenly grabbed his bills (to pre-empt premature palpitation), but blankly refused to give him the nectar points he desired on his bp ultimate club key tag, a situation which distressed the president greatly, as he was very fond of collecting the maximum possible number of loyalty points for his account.

on returning to his homeland, the president retired to his conical office and pondered the irritating incident which had cast a shadow over his break in the subject states - and upon reflection, he decided that, he had, in all likelihood, over-stepped the mark on the breast-front, and had, in all ignorance, probably breached local custom and traditional protocol regarding such occasions, and holding this thought firmly in his head, the president took it upon himself, following all the correct procedures and channels, to contact the chief executive of bp, make full his apology and, in the process, hopefully get his nectar points re-instated. as one would expect, when dealing with a person of such lowly status as mr tony hayward, the commuting time for emails was rather lengthy, nevertheless, after a few months, the president was eventually rewarded with a reply - unfortunately, the language of the message was rather rude, and addressed neither the offended bust-matter, nor the summarily withheld nectar points. the president, being a reasonable and mild-tempered fellow, made one last attempt to resolve the cultural misunderstanding, and despatched a final proposition, wherein he detailed that, if the traumatized lady in question would care to accept, by way of apology, an expensive candlelit dinner for two at a classy oceanside miami grille, he would be quite agreable to receiving one of those jazzy green 'n yella bp t-shirts as commensurate compensation for his elusive nectar points - particularly as the garment's colour scheme reminded the president of his own national flag. tragically, mr hayward plumped to respond in the most brusque of manners - opining that he didn't 'give a fancy-fuck about some two-bit amoco attendant's humongous hooters' or how they felt, and also ventured to suggest that the logo-design of the shirt would not 'show off' the president's 'delightfully dark skin tone' to its 'best advantage'. naturally, as readers can only imagine, the president was devastated by the chief executive's etiquettical cataclysm, but chose, in that peculiar jamaican way, to keep his thoughts to himself (namely, that mr hayward's public relations advisor would definitely benefit from rapid retraining from the contents of a mac-10 machine-pistol magazine). i daresay i need hardly mention that, on the following morning, the president took out his speedboat for a long leisurely fishing-trip, happened, during his cruise, upon a conveniently sited semi-submersible offshore exploratory drilling rig (owned by bp), stopped to nyam on his jerk-chicken lunch, got into jovial conversation with some of the oilfield-workers on the platform, and carelessly flicked the butt of a blazing spliff down the main drillshaft. the rest, i believe, is history - and quite a costly mess.

for the reasons outlined above, i would explain to mr obama, were i ever to have that extremely dubious pleasure, that 99% of britons have about as much in common with bp plc as they have with a suitcase jammed-out with 100 billion dollars' worth of semi-hard us currency. furthermore, i sincerely hope that this unfortunate little turn of events will not deter michelle from doing t with the queen, as t says he always enjoys these parties immensely. as for the upcoming soccer match between the usa and england, i trust and pray that junior ball-boy cameron picks the football out of the net less times than chief ball-boy obama - because, as an englishman, but a fairly flippant soccer fan, i deeply resent obaman-cia interference in the political process of the country where i have washed up. spark up's prediction? that the special relationship and bp have suffered a fatal farcical stroke of rotten luck.

since the fall of the labour government, the bbc has started to report pakistani civilian deaths by (american) drone

2010-06-08T16:24:00.006+01:00

is the labour party's new anti-war stance simply a cynical socialist ploy to swipe back power at the next election? or does this mean the beginning of the end of britain's 'special relationship' with the united states? or do labour party chiefs believe that obama really intends to withdraw american forces from the middle-east?

since the fall of the labour government, the social organism "peace camp" has carpet-colonized parliament square like a mouldy-cultural moss: why now?

2010-05-30T23:22:00.032+01:00

i wonder what super-campaigner, brian haw, thinks of his new companions, the fresh-faced goretex guerillas who have suddenly swamped him with designer peace 'n love?

call me a cynical cunt...but this japing-jamboree stinks of a socialist stunt planned to coincide with the labour party's sudden renunciation of its war on wogs and the (rather rambling) rise to power of a conservative-led coalition government. so tell me: where has this bunch of lefty rentaspyder protesters been hiding its collective bushel for the last eight fucking years? a weeny bit shy perhaps? or maybe embarrassed to condemn fashion-world icons blair, mandelson, brown and company for their string of crimes against humanity in the middle east?

yes, the current intake of pseudo-hippies is slick-and-suavely devaluing the ever-vigilant thorn of brain haw and his faithful smattering of sustainers.

but i would be failing in my duty if i did not mention the likes of david cameron, nick clegg and boris johnson, the bastard barbarian trinity, who, undaunted by this self-anti cardboard charade, are now in the process of taking dainty legal steps onto the demo-demolishing dancefloor of justice wearing nought but their high-laced hobnail boots - in preparation, one assumes, for a pristine performance of the nutcracker suite. the audience will soon be entertained as, in its traditional tidy-tory way, the new orderly brush sweeps parliament square clean of the wheat and the chaff; socialism and conservatism orchestrated by liberalism in perfect harmony - to grind the protesting-organ of brian haw into a breakfast-bowl of prairie-dust.

we have not seen such a corrupt coalition of co-ordonance since the early 1990s, when the conservatives, together with their american and european allies, treated the beleaguered people of bagdhad to the hail-storm of all batterings.

can obama help bp staunch the oil spill?

2010-05-28T23:16:00.007+01:00

not unless they stuff the cunt down the pipe and use him as a fucking plug

operation pussy's paw

2010-01-07T23:05:00.017Z

...so now the americans are threatening to invade any country seen to have played a walk-on role in the christmas day fireworks accident...any excuse goes now, it seems...giving a white woman a look a little longer than the laws of lewdness allow will soon constitute grounds for justifiable genocide...under international law, naturally...better safe than sorry, hey mr president?

umar farouk abdulmutallab is a nigerian citizen, but given that the republic of nigeria is regarded by americans as no more than a crude black oil-oozing hole, it is unlikely that the other 150 million citizens of the commercial centre of non-aparteid africa will suffer the fate of, say, afghanistan or iraq...because a war would only disturb the old-time western petrol-thieves who are already in place, siphoning off the nation's assets with the all-expenses-paid approval of yar'adua's political elite...and anyway, the nigerian peoples have previously been colonized by the british, and therefore wouldn't take too kindly to being interfered-with, again.

well what about yemen? well what about it? well, those guys are fucked, i'm afraid. mr abdulmutallab visited the sole republic of the arabian peninsula (believed to be the historic exit-route taken by homo sapiens when flying the nest of africa in the quest for world colonization) and was allegedly 'encouraged' in his quest to blow his bollocks off with a roman candle...but in all probability it was due to the fact that:-

on orders from President Barack Obama, US warplanes fired cruise missiles at what officials in Washington claimed were Al Qaeda training camps in the provinces of Sana’a and Abyan on December 17, 2009. Other reports suggest that the airstrikes were carried out by Yemeni Mig-29 aircraft, probably helped by US intelligence, or that cruise missiles were launched from warships offshore. Officials in Yemen said that the attacks claimed the lives of more than 60 civilians, 28 of them children. Another airstrike was carried out on December 24.

from wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, 7th january 2010.

i daresay, umar farouk abdulmutallab was treated most hospitably by his friends in yemen, and, shunned by the americanized-society into which he was born, felt irretrievably provoked when american missiles gate-crashed those same dear friends' family homesteads. perhaps mr abdulmutallab was also flying high on qat when he sought to make his grand exit.

...and finally we come to the united kingdom of great britain & northern ireland - where, in the capital city of london, mr abdulmutallab is believed to have been recruited by the mythical al qaeda (less an actual organisation, more a label slapped by americans on any group or individual opposed to the western hegemony). indeed, many members of the united states' administration are currently expressing deep concerns over the islamo-fertility of british soil - yet the islamic fundamentalism which flourishes here is mainly due to the fact that, in keeping with obaman theology, we religiously shit on muslims and the communities in which they put down their roots.

one would expect, then, american marines to begin parachuting into hyde park at any moment? but they won't, of course - for the united states of america has been gradually taking executive-control of our green and gullible land for many years, and it's all over now, bar aretha franklin singing the star-spangled banner at the state opening of parliament.

*************************************************************************************

how did i formulate this brash theory? here are some of my personal experiences - feel free to join the dots:

a few years back, after i had started to publish work on the internet, i was approached by a schoolmistress who, it transpires, had personal and political affiliations with david lammy, member of parliament for tottenham & minister of state for higher education & intellectual property. this woman enjoyed engaging me in political discussion, primarily on the subject of education and she later turned out to be an avid obama campaigner. after a couple of months our paths parted and we never met again.

from around the time i met the schoolteacher, my mobile telephone was bugged - with the result that my movements were tracked and all my conversations, both on and off the phone, were subject to surveillance. in addition, computers which i was in the habit of using were also hacked into.

also during this period, i telephoned an ex-colleague, who is a civil servant and who has links with tottenham - we had not met for many years, but she was able to quote excerpts from pieces which i had written on a blog. she gave no explanation for doing this.

i was next befriended by several different women, all of whom i am now certain to have been involved in this snooping and aware of exactly what i was writing on-line. one of these 'agents', a british nigerian, hinted that she wanted me to comment on the guido fawkes website - she must have been closely associated with jocelyn jee esien, since an idea of mine, which i sent to her in a text message, appeared in the second series of little miss jocelyn. jocelyn jee esien is a celebrity known to back president barack obama.

another woman, who had strong links stateside, was aware of my intimate behaviour patterns, my blogging and appeared to have relationships with obama campaigners on both sides of the atlantic.

paul staines (owner of the guido fawkes website) has well-documented connections to the central intelligence agency in the united states and was a keen supporter of the war in gaza, january 2009.

david lammy married into the british establishment (his portrait-artist wife, nicola green, daughter of professor malcolm green, former head of the national heart and lung institute, has had work commissioned by such illustrious names as hannah rothschild), he was educated at harvard university, is president obama's no.1 man in the united kingdom and is a fully signed-up member of the 'war on terror' - the chances of him not having cia connections are extremely small.

the people named above, or their close personal friends, have all had the opportunity to contact influential members of the conservative party via the guido fawkes website - those whom i have met have tried to inform my political opinions and distract me from writing on the internet. i have also received anonymous emails which aimed to communicate approval, or disapproval, of my actions.

the guido fawkes website and messagespace (a blog-advertizing agency with which paul staines is affiliated) are owned by the same shady offshore company, global and general nominees.

my conclusion: the cia have been covertly involved in british political blogging, and therefore in a position to manipulate british political thinking and policy, for some years.

dear dave

2009-12-18T05:48:00.014Z

despite maintaining a healthy official firebreak between your party and the uk's most popular political blog, it's now common knowledge that the guido fawkes website is a valued tool of the conservative party - prized tory property in which the upper echelons take both a secret pride and great interest, due mainly to the high level of political, economic and sociological analysis which crams out the comments sections and which is consumed obsessively by the cream of right-wing intelligensia. indeed, dave, i am sure that you and your top advisors are in the habit of consulting guido fawkes, together with other influential right-wing blogs, in order to inform your opinion and mould party strategy. unfortunately, however, herein lies a serious problem - because, on behalf of obama global and general slaughterhouses inc, a certain little miss jocelyn has been busy renting office space on all the major right-of-centre blogs and shitting out her cuckoo policies with gay abandon...for you to incubate, hatch and rear in the warm cozy nest of conservative central office...all in connivance with her buddy, president obama's number one man in great britain, david lammy mp, minster of state for business, innovation and skills...who, it is evident, has been wantonly moonlighting, instead of concentrating his energies on his constituency and governmental duties. so you see, i'm afraid you've been sold a dud dave - and the other david's been grooming you ready for the united states' president to take walkies...primarily to a war-crimes tribunal. in a nutshell, you've been reading the wrong stuff, dave - which probably explains why you currently advocate hunting down those deadly toddler al qaeda cells which covertly operate amongst the infant populations of muslim nursery schools...which probably explains why you intend to deploy eco-friendly tanks and cruise missiles in helmund province...and which probably explains why you wish to massacre one half of afghanistan's children in the hope of encouraging the other half to train to become doctors and nurses...to found a cutting-edge health service in their brand spanking new democracy...or they could, of course, choose to go to america and work for peanuts reforming the united states' health-care system...as a special favour to president barack obama...and be grateful for the life-changing experience...it's a free world, ain't it dave?

well maybe you're already well aware of this situation, dave, and quite comfortable with it too...after all, some of your closest cabinet confidants have been enjoying the lascivious pleasures of paul staines' notorious guido fawkes orgies, so i hear...and getting on fucking famously with little miss jocelyn's foxy sistas...in fact, they've all apparently ended up becoming quite intimate...and why not? let's big-up the technicolor dawn of a new age of multi-cultural conservatism as it flourishes unabashed in the fertile soil of this great and tolerant land where black and white are afforded an equal opportunity to hate the guts of muslims with all their hearts and minds and souls...not to mention their god-given might (especially the persuaders of fundamental christianity). tragically tho', dave, whilst no doubt being boosted by the fanatical emotional support of your cliquey cabal of fresh-found black extremist friends and finding faux-comfort in the cool companionship of your communal small-mindedness, i fear that you fail to appreciate the supreme nonchalance with which these deviant jokers let you and your kind send out ignorant white boys to slay innocent muslim civilians...and also their smugness on observing those same white boys returned home in ceremonial, nay celebratory, coffins - because, let's face it, slavery is, as yet, neither forgotten nor forgiven...saddam hussein was not renowned for his prominence as a stand-up comedian, so heed carefully his final dictum that western civilization would founder in the wastes of arabia - and remember that it would not only be he who would view with satisfiction that particular outcome...who knows...perhaps even obama himself is not averse to watching his honour-killing child-murdering christian soldiers leading us over the lip of the abyss...? and isn't the swag-president just as much a crack-pot christo-cuntric crusader as blair, or lammy, or our own dear little miss jocelyn?

yes dave, do the citizens of this country really pray for the members of yet another political family to cower under state police protection for the rest of their 'natural' lives? we certainly don't want to pay for it - of that i can assure you.

so i suppose that's about it dave...and if it's achieved nothing else, at least this letter has established who's wearing the political trousers in the englishman's conservative castle...and oh...that reminds me dave...just one thing...i know the queen gave you an introduction into conservative central office - did she swing the first-class honours degree for you too...?

your ever humble peasant

spark up

ps: riddle me this...how much do you know about the close associate of guido fawkes who carries out phone-tapping and other illegal surveillance operations on political bloggers? is he, or she, one of yours, one of the government's, one of lammy's, one of obama's, one of little miss jocelyn's, or one of staines'? or are all you perverted buggers at it? you know, it must be christmas.

dearest t

2009-12-18T01:41:00.007Z

given that you do not read this blog, guido fawkes, old holborn, or call me ishmael, and you do not monitor my communications by hacking into my computer (let alone eavesdrop on my conversations and track my movements via a bug in my mobile telephone), i trust that the contents of this letter will cause you absolutely no offence whatsoever.

i cut short your last telephone call because you started to rant on about sinking 'this ship'. if you are going to push your magic red button and turn the world upside down, please proceed - and i will await reports of a wet fart occurring in a hurricane. you appear to have issues about power which manifest themselves in an acute complex about the size of your penis - a trait which i must confess i have always found rather unattractive in a woman.

please give my love and lots of kisses to mummy - if she wants me, she will have to catch me.

byee.

yours

l

brown: value for money?

2009-09-30T18:45:00.005+01:00

now that gordon brown has chosen to appeal to the traditional values of hard-working british families, i can only assume that he considers these 'values' to include hypocrisy and the exploitation of illegal immigrants from countries colonized by unidealistic poverty. personally, i see absolutely no evidence of this prime minister's integrity; if he had truly wished the electorate to believe in him and his precious politics, mr brown would have sacked baroness scotland before wasting his words on a high-minded conference speech - but now, no-one of any worth will buy it. with all due respect: markets need to turn a profit, and politicians need morals (not the other way round you confused cunt).

carnival curfew: an early bedtime for multiculturalism

2009-08-31T15:03:00.013+01:00

last year: police cut off the carnival music at 8pm and provoked a riot in notting hill.

this year: aside from advance-raids on the homes of carnival-goers who meet with their disapproval, the police are ensuring their revenge by stopping the parade at 6.30pm, in the shameless hope of provoking even greater civil disturbance - which will ultimately give the metropolitan police 'just cause' for closing the notting hill carnival down for good...

...and then we would witness the inevitable evolution of the illegal carnival - attendance at which would amount to a far more blatant political statement than participation in the current carnival, which, in connivance with a compromised community, is controlled and organised by a repressive police authority...well...6.30pm finish?...can't be a black people's party, can it? that's even a bit early for white people...

and where is trevor phillips* whilst his friends in scotland yard are cracking down on carnival with a horde of mounted troops that would have been the envy of genghis khan? he's sitting on his hands - when, by rights, he should be co-ordinating dawn busts on potentially pernicious and subversive promenaders ahead of their empirically british 'last night' at albert hall.

but fair play to him - trevor phillips is making a fine job of monitoring the content of this very blog thanks to his obama-backing, phone-bugging, pc-hacking, islamophobic associates in the guido fawkes hinterland.

*head of the equality and human rights commission

a tribute to president barack obama

2009-08-23T00:47:00.006+01:00

for some obscure reason, there are people who assume that i am unhappy about the ascension of barack obama to the white house...but i am not...well...i felt in my heart-of-hearts that mr mccain cut a more genuine, warm and fatherly figure...and as a war-veteran could have made military decisions with more comprehension and compassion...and less rabid blood-lust...but in fact i am truly ecstatic that we finally have the first afro-american president of the u s of a...really...because now there truly is no black or white - just people who are either for or against this.

nice one barack.

slurping in the slime-trail of trevor phillips: kwame kwei-armah gets lost up love's blind alley

2009-08-19T12:04:00.022+01:00

kwame kwei-armah looks up to barack obama as the father-figure of 21st century civil-rights' activism and seems to have stereotyped barack obama as a modern-day william tell. well mr kwei-armah, i hope you trust your saviour's aim, son, because playwrights who go round with their eyes screwed tight shut are fuck all use to anyone.

our obama moment: comment is free, guardian.co.uk, 6th november 2008

Kwame Kwei-Armah

I make my living with words, which as you might expect gives me the greatest respect for their power, resilience, sheer and almost exclusive contribution and exploration to that which I believe most worthy – but it also allows me to understand and respect their limitations. And this, the election of Barack Obama to the office of the most powerful person in the world, is one such moment where my facility for words can never, should probably never, capture what it is that is going on in my heart.

I don't think I even know what is going on in my heart. But as I left the shores of the United States on Monday night – where everyone's nerves were on show – and although I have always maintained cautious optimism when it came to believing in Barack's success, I found myself having to rebuke those nerves and hold onto the mantra, the now iconic mantra, "Yes we can". And yes we did.

I ran about my house at 4am, as I screamed and woke my children to the chant, "We have a black president". We? Who is we? I honestly thought that I may have been going mad – for the tears and the screaming just would not stop. No matter how much I tried to calm myself it just would not stop and I thought I was going to go insane with joy and pride as I hugged my 12-year-old son and he said, "Dad, we have a black president"; and as my 16-year-old son asked if I believed that would happen in my lifetime and I replied, "Yes, the moment I heard Obama's 2004 speech in Boston"; and as I listened to my daughter, full of sleep, say "I need to go to an Obama party".

I knew that deep in my heart, despite all my words, that maybe I didn't quite ever believe that I would see this day. But now I have – my only sadness is that his mother and father, and my mother, were not here to see this. What a day, what a sleepless day, but a magnificent day.

and so now the first black president has proved himself to be a dirty double-talking war-criminal, where's the criticism wanker?

the welfare state: bromide of the people

2009-08-15T15:08:00.004+01:00

turns off society

celebrity nothing but the truth

2009-08-15T13:58:00.008+01:00

i wonder whether obama-worshipping celebrities like jocelyn jee esien and chris rock were duped into supporting the current united states administration, and its war-crimes in the middle east, or whether they were always just ingrained islamophobic crusaders simply gagging to re-inforce the white man's prejudices, who found this presidency an irresistably golden opportunity to vent their repressed church-blessed hatred.

my money's on the latter option, but when, in time, barack obama's popularity fails and the gloss dross turns to disowning him, i suspect that cynical intellectuals such as jocelyn jee esien and chris rock will be claiming the former.

notice to readers: beware cheap imitations

2009-08-05T23:15:00.002+01:00

i do hereby wish to declare that, i, spark up, have not commented on the guido fawkes bog-wall since early january - except once, as "spark up".

certifigate: latest update

2009-07-30T21:58:00.007+01:00

here in the uk, we were perilously close to getting barack obama handed-down as our next prime minister (thanks to barack obama's claim to british citizenship through his father), but fortunately he has now been confirmed as an all-american toffee-apple (which never fell far from the tree) and they're stuck with him:

obama's father is communist frank marshall davis

obama's birth-certificate: the shit from the shat

2009-07-28T15:13:00.011+01:00

spark up! can today reveal exlusively that rumours surrounding the authenticity of barack obama's birth-certificate (and confusion over the exact details of his nativity) are simply part of a complex disinformation campaign conceived by the cia and fbi. government operatives are working day-and-night to undermine a dastardly plot by the kkk to tell the president to "go back where he came from". special field-agent, mr i fakem, said, "we are doing our nuts trying to defend the big guy from these nasty jibes, and whilst there are people out there continuing to talk at liberty, there is always the serious risk that, one-day, one discordant little word will get through the ring of spiel and upset him irreconcilably - we, at the bureau, are confident, however, that our tactics of concealing the true facts about the president's country of origin should ensure that no-one directs him to piss off back there anytime soon".

between a rock and a hard-faced act

2009-07-27T23:02:00.012+01:00

chris rock, former american comedian, has announced his retirement from ripping the living piss out of incumbent presidents of the united states - on the grounds that mr obama is the "comedian's worst nightmare" and 'too inspiring to make fun of' considering the fistful of dollars which he, chris, has personally delivered up-front into brother barack's campaign-fund, not-to-mention the embarrassment of faustian-factor-10 photo ops going begging on the white house lawn. of course, president obama is not only the comedian's "worst nightmare", but also the "worst nightmare" of every little boy and little girl living, or dying, in helmund province, afghanistan - and forgive my cynicism, but one is hard-pushed to believe that the ultra-quick-witted chris rock was ignorant of the contribution which he was implicitly making to the coffins of obama's real-death fighting-fund...

yes, in barack obama we have truly found an icon, a human-being who commands the innate spirituality to inspire men of all creeds and colours to sacrifice their meaningless lives for the everlasting glory of his unimpeachable name...ironically, by voting-in one of the most entrenched racists in recent history, the liberal citizens of the united states of america may have inadvertently taught the world a very very important lesson: racism does not a derive from the colour of a man's skin, but from the colour of his soul.

jocelyn jee esien bombs for obama

2009-07-17T15:22:00.014+01:00

when recently reading stanislav on obama's humourless delivery of ordonance and worldly war-mongering words, i was rudely reminded of one of his british born girl-guards, jocelyn esien, who is, by-and-large, equally witless wotless and dependent on other people's material - which she slyly sub-sources and shamelessly passes off as her own original work. but leaving aside the murky state of miss esien's professional ethicity (rumours about which have surely led to her credentials as a writer coming under question and her little miss jocelyn series sliding soundlessly from bbc schedules), i would prefer to concentrate my ire on more serious affairs - jocelyn esien's emotional support for the casual killer of humanity, families and children, president barack obama, the american warhead in afghanistan, and first black man to make a complete cunt of himself in the white house. jocelyn esien ('jos jee' to her friends) is a remarkable actress with a veritable multiplication of personlities stashed in her walkabout wardrobe, yet she totally miscalculated when attempting to combine the role of celebrity political activist with conscious community support comedienne - this was just one face too many, i'm afraid. you see miss esien wants to preen like a queen in her celebrity sheen whilst licking the sweet splash of obalma glamour off her brazen body before it has even shied from trickling down the crack in her pertinently bare ass - she wants to pose uncriticized against the christylized gun-crime poster whilst bigging-up the macho gangster-man-murderer mr barack hussein obama. the seeping gang-blood of youth is really only a race-paint-prop for her carefully-staged career and her bank-rôle, playing a delinquently dark-hearted duo with the black-comedian-in-residence in the oval office, is no damn good example to impress on any succeeding ghetto generation - these two guys are actors, not models...and as the president continues to mercifully blast the unbleached brains out of young muslim girls who would otherwise have had to suffer a cruel lease of life without the benefit of a dog-standard democratic education, the hypocritical highlights of stars such as jocelyn jee esien will fade-to-dusk and be set to rest, fittingly, in the west wings of their horrific theatre of self-service. her epitaph: a latter-day leni riefenstahl, but not quite so funny. don't get me wrong, when time is inevitably called, i don't wish to see this bitter-barking talent put up against the wall and mown-down along with her 'muse', president obama, and accompliced terrorists mr anthony blair, prime minister gordon brown, and mr george w bush (one should make allowances for dozy feminists like miss esien), no, if justice is properly served, she will find herself in a dim dingy cell, her big gob locked-down for 24-hours-a-day between the concert-pitched thighs of a certain ms condoleeza rice, paying customary lip-service - although i fear she might well enjoy the strictures of this sanction just a little bit too much...well...one can but dream...for the meantime, i don't expect jocelyn esien to spew the obamatic bile of any projectile presidential satire our way anytime soon - the best we can hope for is probably some lame-gummed sketch about the white hand not knowing who the black one is feeling up...although this is a great pity as she could get away with (illegitemately harvested) lines of a more assassinatory nature on the fringe-boards. what we definitely can't expect is a true exposition of united states foreign policy - for example, the freewheeling vision of a perma-grin president obama bouncing an afghan baby's head off george bush's chest, dribbling it through hilary clinton's splayed legs, and slam-dunking it into osama bin laden's upturned throat...can we?

update:

it appears that the hackney post are conniving with jocelyn jee esien in an attempt to airbrush her infamous obama quote from history - so here it is for posterity:

Despite this foray into femininity, Esien credits her comedy career to a series of male muses: Jerry Lewis, Steve Martin, Jim Carrey, Eddie Murphy, and one Barack Obama. “President Obama,” she corrects herself quickly. “I feel disrespectful when I say Barack. He has really, really, really inspired me. I’m pretending he’s my prime minister but he lives in another country.”