Monday 13 January 2014

my vision for a less alluring britain: a paranoid patriotical broadside
by "dozy" dave dachshund



today, a guest post by our prime minister:

now we are entering the interminable run-up to the next parliamentary elections, i would like to outline my plans to combat the greatest threat ever faced by this country to our cherished way of life...no, i do not refer to the illegal war-wankers who squat in the palace of westminster and have recourse to scrounging off the state-purse...but to the army of legal immigrants who wish to invade our borders, work for a living, and interrupt the sacred tradition of the great british tea-break, which for centuries has facilitated our citizens endless cultural quest to strive for and brew-up the perfect cuppa.

my strategy for combatting these half-boiled non-tea-drinking barbarians, who couldn't produce a proper pot of cha if they tried, is as follows (and generally comprises a trans-national policy of making our royal kingdom as undesirable a place to eke-out an existence as is politically possible without me being summarily ousted from power for humanitarian reasons by a united nations task-force with a military intervention mandate from the security council):

first, my government will introduce benefit restrictions on persons from european union member-states whom iain dunkirk smith's missus doesn't like the look of - with the full and dishonourable intention of opening the door on a legislative programme which will eventually corrode the entire social-security system and welfare-state unto the point of complete and utter disintegration, thus depriving of food and shelter all those cia-black-listed british and non-british citizens whom i and my conservative colleagues do not wish ever to secure decent remunerative employment from our multi-national-owing chums in the minted-breath mafia.

second, i will commission the jolly huntsman to degrade the national death crevice to a such degree that the sick and needy will be forced to cough-up repeat-prescription insurance contributions in order to top-up with basic medical care from the excruciatingly expensive private hospitals owned by my brethren in the extortionate elite.

third, i will contact ozburden to tax the economy to oblivion.

fourth, i will personally oversee the fracking, by greedy frog gas-prospectors, of our green and pleasant environment - naturally, with a view to poisoning the water-supply (for the benefit of my plug of shares in evian and perrier), precipitating persistent geological earthquakes along with persistent ecological heartaches, and last but not least, lining my own pockets with the slurry of stateside silver which i will proceed to pick-up without so much as pausing to piss any profit towards the poor peasants whose habitats i have sacrificed to fund the seamless stratological scam.

as a fifth measure, i will commit britain to sourcing unsustainable energy by procuring overpriced nuclear-power-installations from foreign super-cowboys, and siting said radical-attractive time-bombs in flood-susceptible locations...

...and finally, i will instruct wild willy havoc to launch cruise-missiles into the inner-cities of social discontent and rake the remnants of our unconservative communities with reconstitutional rounds fired from friendly united states army helicopters...or i might just contract al qaeda to finish the job if they can quote me cheaper - but whatever the preferred method of anti-cultural treatment, it will pan out much less costly, and provide a bigger better bang for our bucks, than we could possibly achieve by sending the plethora of plebs off to a pointless war.

this is my dream...

...of a land unfit for anycunt to live in.


dd