Wednesday 25 August 2010

petraeus flips-his-flopsider and vows to flush insurgency from white house


buoyed in the wake of his ground-buffing campaign to bring ozone-friendly furniture polish, avant-garde odour control, and new-wave anti-static carpet-shampoo to iraq, cap'n david petraeus has stamped his nubuck rockport deckshoe by way of politely re-iterating that july 2011 is simply "a date when a process begins", and insists that he will not be rushing to withdraw service-personnel from mainland united states until he has run his ultra-lite khaki feather-duster along every cornice of the oval office, poked it into every crevice, and relentlessly tickled the enemy until terrorizing them into complete and unconditional submission. petraeus, distinguished in five-star commercial-hygiene operations which have have brought him into contact with some of the most hostile environments in downtown washington dc, and a dour gritty veteran of two deep-cleans, says that he has not survived a bungled assassination attempt by his own staff, and another totally unrelated malicious act of god, just to turn and quit when the going gets a bit messy. the general explained: "when you go into a job like this...you think that it's your last job, especially when you've got a complaints book containing more colourful prose than war and peace, and a contractor who is determined to see you fall flat on your face so he can use a get-out clause, dispense with your services, and then walk right-over you off into the sunset without even stepping in the icky-sticky backyard mud".

meanwhile, sitting on the sharp-end out in afghanistan, general james t conway of the united states marine corps has made the following proposition: "if we can't shift the taliban by mid-2011, we'll just have to meet them man-to-man, smoke a few pipes, hold hands and join forces to strike at our deadly common foe - the po-litically-correctionated pinko poof-lovers in power in washington".

when later asked to comment on general conway's remarks, general petraeus made it clear that he was not currently in a position to make further statements on the affair, as he was heavily occupied, having taken-on overall command of a crucial "disinfection-manœuvre" - apparently he'd had to order his men "over-the-top", although sadly could not join them due to an extremely pressing prior engagement with a smoked-salmon sandwich at the country club.

12 comments:

obama - the witch messiah said...

hahaha...can't wait to whip out me willow wand for a good dusting-down!

first lady of the crow's nest said...

15:54

oooh goodeee! is david gonna take us both for a pleasure-cruise on his tall-ship?! bagsy i climb the mast first, while you get comfy in the fo'c'sle, darling!

cap'n fellatio free-fall said...

16:13

marvellous stuff...i'll unfurl the spanker.

president obama - commander-in-chief of trans-border skirmishes said...

16:25

right oh, we'll bring able seaman conway along too...he can make-ready the fishnets. report tomorrow at five bells, sailor.

able seaman "condom" conway said...

17:59

sir, but i'm highly anxious about cap'n free-fall's bunking-habits, sir.

president obama - commander-in-chief of dormitory arrangements said...

18:41

god-damnit man, it's an order, you hear. you'll bunk-down with fellatio and i'll hear no more quibling. the cap'n could well be the next president of the u.s of a, poor deluded sod - he must be protected from marauding female shipmates of the never-satisfied kind, at any cost, if you get my drift. one slip and the guy's whiter-than-white reputation could be toast - we can't be sending him back to his wife having prayed 'n sung at the wrong church, so-to-speak, now can we? his missus would know something's up when he starts turning on the funky-rhythms right bang in the middle of the day and tries to mount a scorched-earth raid on the sub-tropical jungle. i'm relying on you, marine - when things of this nature get into the newspapers it can pervert the course of history, permanently. get on with it and do your duty for your country.

able seaman "condom" conway said...

18:42

sir-holy-shit-yes-sir.

first lady of the crow's nest said...

18:43

what's all this noise about? i'm busy can't you see? i'm looking-out for a jolly-roger. why don't you-two just move your butts along and rest your bones in the cap'n's cabin?

the ambidextrous shuffle-meister said...

good god, they're accusing obama of speaking to two audiences, home-and-away - but president-in-waiting petraeus is definitely playing two hands it seems...

trevor trillips said...

great read - i think spark up should be congratulated on posting an analysis of american politics without once slagging-off or even mentioning our hero, the first black president, barack hussein obama.

and the comments above seem pretty racially-balanced too.

jocelyn g blackhouse - feminist porn collective, fighting for a fairer fuck said...

20:47

oi. trillips. if more than one of those men sticks his willy in michelle there's gonna be an international fucking incident, guy.

and, mr spark up, i'll have you know that not all black women are raving-nympho cock-craving dick-hungry prick-hunting ball-groping free-range bitches on gasmark 10 - i'm a well-frigid stuck-up fucking old cow, for one.

trev trillips obe said...

20:49

i take your (vividly illustrated) points mrs blackhouse - although i do take exception to your use of the word cow, which is clearly a sexist term. perhaps you might try substituting the word: ratbag - which is, of course non-gender-specific.