certifigate: latest update

here in the uk, we were perilously close to getting barack obama handed-down as our next prime minister (thanks to barack obama's claim to british citizenship through his father), but fortunately he has now been confirmed as an all-american toffee-apple (which never fell far from the tree) and they're stuck with him:

obama's father is communist frank marshall davis

obama's birth-certificate: the shit from the shat

spark up! can today reveal exlusively that rumours surrounding the authenticity of barack obama's birth-certificate (and confusion over the exact details of his nativity) are simply part of a complex disinformation campaign conceived by the cia and fbi. government operatives are working day-and-night to undermine a dastardly plot by the kkk to tell the president to "go back where he came from". special field-agent, mr i fakem, said, "we are doing our nuts trying to defend the big guy from these nasty jibes, and whilst there are people out there continuing to talk at liberty, there is always the serious risk that, one-day, one discordant little word will get through the ring of spiel and upset him irreconcilably - we, at the bureau, are confident, however, that our tactics of concealing the true facts about the president's country of origin should ensure that no-one directs him to piss off back there anytime soon".

between a rock and a hard-faced act

chris rock, former american comedian, has announced his retirement from ripping the living piss out of incumbent presidents of the united states - on the grounds that mr obama is the "comedian's worst nightmare" and 'too inspiring to make fun of' considering the fistful of dollars which he, chris, has personally delivered up-front into brother barack's campaign-fund, not-to-mention the embarrassment of faustian-factor-10 photo ops going begging on the white house lawn. of course, president obama is not only the comedian's "worst nightmare", but also the "worst nightmare" of every little boy and little girl living, or dying, in helmund province, afghanistan - and forgive my cynicism, but one is hard-pushed to believe that the ultra-quick-witted chris rock was ignorant of the contribution which he was implicitly making to the coffins of obama's real-death fighting-fund...

yes, in barack obama we have truly found an icon, a human-being who commands the innate spirituality to inspire men of all creeds and colours to sacrifice their meaningless lives for the everlasting glory of his unimpeachable name...ironically, by voting-in one of the most entrenched racists in recent history, the liberal citizens of the united states of america may have inadvertently taught the world a very very important lesson: racism does not a derive from the colour of a man's skin, but from the colour of his soul.

jocelyn jee esien bombs for obama

when recently reading stanislav on obama's humourless delivery of ordnance and worldly war-mongering words, i was rudely reminded of one of his british born girl-guards, jocelyn esien, who is, by-and-large, equally witless wotless and dependent on other people's material - which she slyly sub-sources and shamelessly passes off as her own original work. but leaving aside the murky state of miss esien's professional ethicity (rumours about which have surely led to her credentials as a writer coming under question and her little miss jocelyn series sliding soundlessly from bbc schedules), i would prefer to concentrate my ire on more serious affairs - jocelyn esien's emotional support for the casual killer of humanity, families and children, president barack obama, the american warhead in afghanistan, and first black man to make a complete cunt of himself in the white house. jocelyn esien ('jos jee' to her friends) is a remarkable actress with a veritable multiplication of personalities stashed in her walkabout wardrobe, yet she totally miscalculated when attempting to combine the role of celebrity political activist with conscious community support comedienne - this was just one face too many, i'm afraid. you see miss esien wants to preen like a queen in her celebrity sheen whilst licking the sweet splash of obalma glamour off her brazen body before it has even shied from trickling down the crack in her pertinently bare ass - she wants to pose uncriticized against the christylized gun-crime poster whilst bigging-up the macho gangster-man-murderer mr barack hussein obama. the seeping gang-blood of youth is really only a race-paint-prop for her carefully-staged career and her bank-rôle, playing a delinquently dark-hearted duo with the black-comedian-in-residence in the oval office, is no damn good example to impress on any succeeding ghetto generation - these two guys are actors, not models...and as the president continues to mercifully blast the unbleached brains out of young muslim girls who would otherwise have had to suffer a cruel lease of life without the benefit of a dog-standard democratic education, the hypocritical highlights of stars such as jocelyn jee esien will fade-to-dusk and be set to rest, fittingly, in the west wings of their horrific theatre of self-service. her epitaph: a latter-day leni riefenstahl, but not quite so funny. don't get me wrong, when time is inevitably called, i don't wish to see this bitter-barking talent put up against the wall and mown-down along with her 'muse', president obama, and accompliced terrorists mr anthony blair, prime minister gordon brown, and mr george w bush (one should make allowances for dozy feminists like miss esien), no, if justice is properly served, she will find herself in a dim dingy cell, her big gob locked-down for 24-hours-a-day between the concert-pitched thighs of a certain ms condoleeza rice, paying customary lip-service - although i fear she might well enjoy the strictures of this sanction just a little bit too much...well...one can but dream...for the meantime, i don't expect jocelyn esien to spew the obamatic bile of any projectile presidential satire our way anytime soon - the best we can hope for is probably some lame-gummed sketch about the white hand not knowing who the black one is feeling up...although this is a great pity as she could get away with (illegitimately harvested) lines of a more assassinatory nature on the fringe-boards. what we definitely can't expect is a true exposition of united states foreign policy - for example, the freewheeling vision of a perma-grin president obama bouncing an afghan baby's head off george bush's chest, dribbling it through hillary clinton's splayed legs, and slam-dunking it into osama bin laden's upturned throat...can we?

update:

it appears that the hackney post are conniving with jocelyn jee esien in an attempt to airbrush her infamous obama quote from history - so here it is for posterity:

"despite this foray into femininity, esien credits her comedy career to a series of male muses: jerry lewis, steve martin, jim carrey, eddie murphy, and one barack obama. “president obama,” she corrects herself quickly. “i feel disrespectful when i say barack. he has really, really, really inspired me. i’m pretending he’s my prime minister but he lives in another country.”"

old holborn maintains complete radio silence on news of the world phone-tap-dancing competition...

...together with all his contributors and commentators. i wonder why...?

and not even a peep about the metroploditan two-piece tea service's reluctance to sniff too deeply into the can. well there's a surprise...

this latter law-shyness presumably because: 1) the buggers are extremely careful not to leave any trace of their illegal invasions of private areas 2) bobbylon are not up to the job and 3) glass cop-shops are liable to splinter.

iain dale predictably plays a strait bat for callscum and cameprune. but skyed it...

guido fawkes revels in relief as yates strikes out...and his comment-gang-members (normally queuing round the bloc to brag about their infinite knowledge of every cunting thing under the sun) signally fail to share with the public their expertise on the digital intricacies and etiquettes of eavesdropping on the orgasms of the fat and famous...but disingenuously reveal how simple it is to crack the code of an unprotected voicemailbox. howzat? leg before wicket...


glossary

phone-tapping: a) a remote procedure practised by the insecure which involves listening to and recording the activities and conversations of others via the microphone of a mobile- or land-line regardless of whether the apparatus is in-use or on stand-by b) tracking an individual via the global positioning system utilized by mobile-handsets and c) monitoring of text-messages.

spying: installing spycams in a variety of venues frequented by a victim - including bedrooms and bathrooms.

intimidation: a seemingly chance acquaintance with someone who is ostensibly unfamiliar with any details of one's previous personal life yet oddly prone to dropping constant hints about intimate aspects of one's behaviour. warning: a regular pattern of intimidation may eventually develop into unveiled threats.

entrapment: where a victim is encouraged by an intimidator (see intimidation above) to perpetrate acts which may land the victim in hot-water.


for the record

no, i do not have any evidence that my phone, computer and premises were bugged whilst i commented on guido fawkes between march 2007 and january 2009 - nor do i have the know-how to carry out such surveillance techniques, i'm not even curious.


to softly go where the gutter-press has gone before

today the british blogosphere lost its voice of innocence as it silently gobbled on its own excrement.

positive discrimination now officially extinct

old holborn reports that positive discrimination in the uk is now extant as a museum exhibit only

...but still manages to get his knickers in a twist

what a warped old willy